Project Runway: Big, Ole Ruby Red Dress

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: Big, Ole Ruby Red Dress
February 4, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: The designers worked in teams to make two dresses, one that mattered and one that didn’t. This ensured that we’d get one decent dress and one worthless dress out of each team. It also guaranteed a decent amount of backbiting and drama. Jesse wore a hat and ragged on Ping. Jonathan snarked about Mila, but she won anyway. On the runway, a model actually thought someone would want to hear from a model. In the end, the judges said that, no, they didn’t wanna put a Ping on it.

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Morning. The ladies' suite is down one more designer. Everyone is sad to see poor Ping’s bed all empty and unmade. Or maybe that’s just one of her dresses she’s left behind on it. It’s hard to tell.

Over with the fellas, Jesus El Jodido is “really, really excited” to still be here, despite being one of the worst designers whose solo work invariably puts him in the bottom two. It’s part of his bizarro winning strategy. “I think that I’m already showing the judges I’m capable of designing amazing stuff!”

If by “amazing stuff” he means “really vertical hair.”

Back with the ladies, we see Mila (“Chitty Chitty”) and Maya (“Bang Bang”) working on their matching ‘dos and we begin to wonder if this odd dynamic will take on an All About Eve flavor before too long.

And it’s off to the runway!

There (on last week’s Models show) we see that the Annoyed Asian Valley Girl Model Who Just Can’t Be Bothered is cut. Heidi makes her usual Sphinx-ish  comment about the upcoming challenge. She tells them they will be designing a look for a Fashion Week gala and says they’ll be meeting “a group of very inspiring women.”

The designers then move back to the workroom to meet Tim. The mentor introduces them to the president of Progresso™ Soups (or something like that). It seems the makers of so many delightfully sodium-laden treats are working with the American Heart Association to sponsor a heart disease awareness gala. And the designers will be working with women who have been personally affected by heart disease.

Cue the inspiring ladies.

These women, Tim explains, will be the models for the designers' looks. In keeping with the event’s theme, the dresses will have to have red as a primary color. And, in keeping with the “we need to associate our corporate brand with something really honorable so you keep buying our product” theme, the designers will also have to incorporate the Progresso™ logo into their design.

He also mentions that not only will the winning designer accompany his or her model to the Fashion Week gala, but the winning dress will be put into limited production and sold online.

Mila explains that she’s really excited to be working with “a real woman,” since they’ve been working with drag queens up until this moment and tucking is such a challenge.

The designers and inspirational women pair off, and the models begin relating their stories of inspiration to the designers so as they may become more inspired. Somehow, through their inspiration, the contestants manage to sketch out their outfits.

The inspiration, naturally, makes several of the designers get all weepy. It also seems to have made Seth Aaron (“The Bandana Holds My Brain In”) really congested.

Jesus is excited that his model is “really, really tiny.” Amy (“The Pierced, Petite Persian”)  is going to make a long, flowing evening gown. And Mila saw some stars on the Progresso™ logo someplace, so she’s inspired to make another large graphic piece the centerpiece of her design.

Anthony (“The Refugee From RuPaul’s Drag Race”) is particularly inspired, owing to his mother’s battle with heart disease. Sadly, we never learn what inspired him to wear a Member’s Only jacket anywhere outside of an ‘80s party.

Then, once sufficiently inspired, they’re off to Mood!

There, Tim introduces them to buckets of red, Progresso™-approved fabric and sets them loose to shop. The designers each say that they’ll be making a red dress. Anna (“A Carbon-Based Life Form”) gets excited about boning. Seth Aaron find it “awesome” that he stayed under budget. Aaaaaand, time!

Thank you, Mood!

Back in the workroom, Tim tosses off his catchphrase and it’s time to get sewing.

Maya explains she’s incorporating a subtle, halfhearted half-heart into her design. We get (what is edited together to appear to be) some construction drama with Amy’s dress. And there appears to be some guy in the workroom named “Ben.”

Everyone expounds on how other designers aren’t used to working on non-model-shaped women. Seth Aaron’s model suggests he design something very outside of his usual style. And the women continue to fulfill their Lifetime obligation by being inspirational to help the designers though it all.

Janeane (“The Sad Trombone”) then discovers her mortal enemy: Water. Somehow her dress took a dunk into a trash can filled with the dress-killing liquid (?) and she’s totally at a loss as to what to do now.

Tim arrives for his cliché-a-round.

First up, Jesse (“The Pirate Booty”). Tim doesn’t think that the designer has much fashion happening without adding a jacket to his look.

Next, Anna. We totally ignore her horrible dress and focus on her inventive tracing of the Progresso™ logo onto some chiffon (where it doesn’t register on camera, much like the designer herself).

Over to Mila. Something about chicken and stars. Tim thinks it’s mm-mm good.

Jesus. Tim makes a face at his dress and only mentions that he’s impressed that he got his model to fit into the … we’ll call it a "dress."

Zip over to Maya. She explains her half-heart concept, but hasn’t done her mandatory Progresso™ corporate branding. Tim agrees that making a clutch purse papered in the logo would help fulfill that annoying requirement.

Amy’s doing well and is planning on leaving the model’s chest scar exposed. Tim likes the idea.

Over to Seth Aaron. Tim’s perplexed that the designer is doing something drape-y and Grecian when that’s totally not his thing. This gets Seth Aaron’s head to exploding which, again, is only prevented by the aforementioned bandana.

So, you can assume that the other designers are the middle of the pack.

Speaking of which, we get to hear from Emilio (“The Early Leader Who Fades Fast”). He slams, let’s see … Anna’s dress’s construction, Jay’s “train wreck” of a dress, and pretty much everyone else’s outfits, too.

Ding! The day ends and, before you know it, it’s the morning of the runway show. More boys breaking out the bow ties and girls working the flat-iron. And, back to the workroom!

There, this alleged “Ben” says he’s worried for Seth Aaron, since he’s scrapped his entire look and has started a new one from scratch.

Everyone is worried that they don’t have enough time. Maya thinks that since they’re all doing red dresses, it’ll be like comparing oranges to oranges, or apples to apples. Or more appropriately, tomatoes to tomatoes.

Cue this season’s emerging designated smack-talker.
 
“What is that?” asks Emilio of Mila’s graphic-print dress. “It looks like a cheap flag at the Thanksgiving Day parade.”

Wow. He really must have the world’s greatest dress in the works on his table, right?

A few minutes for a hair-product infomercial, Jonathan (“Not In This Episode”) making it sound like something dramatic is actually happening, aaaaaand time!

On the runway, Heidi ∓ Eight appears, recaps the challenge and introduces regular judges “Hey guys” and “Hello everyone” and guest judge, Noted Lady With Long, Brown Hair.

Let’s start the show!

• Jonathan’s made a long evening gown with several tiers. It’s pleasant. And notable in that it’s the only one which doesn’t use the Bloody Mary color on all the others.

• Emilio’s made a red, strapless cocktail dress, notable in that it’s a big steaming pile of yawn coming from a designer who thinks he’s sooooo much better than everyone else.

• Maya’s heart-thingy dress is curious. The heart shape is in a bronze-y colored fabric and the dress is a work of draping. Something about it is intriguing. And something about the dress hurts my eyes. I can’t tell which feeling is stronger.

• Anthony’s model totally rocks the runway in her sassy, full-figured yet fashionable corporate logo dress with matching vest.

• Amy’s model then comes out in her long, Grecian, chiffon strapless evening gown. It floats down the runway. It’s very pretty. It just isn’t anything we haven’t seen a million times before.

• Jesus then vomits his latest creation all over the stage. Perfect for any Vegas whore or Brett Michaels reality show, your skank will look just stunning in this tight, shiny red mini-dress with side panels and cheap, sparkly doodads about the neck. Toot, toot! Heeeeey, beep, beep!

• And speaking of vom, here comes Anna’s outfit. Now, seriously, we saw that her model is a lovely looking woman, the size and shape of a regular person. Sadly, the designer has made her look like a linebacker in a red cocktail dress. It’s just really, really unfortunate.

• Jay’s model, though, does look lovely. She’s wearing a well-tailored evening dress with a sweetheart neckline and a pleated (?) bodice. Again, very pretty. Just not at all inventive.

• Jesse’s model comes out wearing his red dress, but it’s covered by a short, shiny off-white jacket with the logo fabric thrown on as what appears to be a soupy fabric brooch. When the jacket comes off, it reveals a pretty cocktail dress. This, I suspect, will save him.

• This Ben person appears to have snuck a model into the show. She looks pleasant enough in a long, Jessica Rabbit evening gown with a slit up to her lady business. That’ll stop some hearts.

• Then, Mila’s starriffic design comes out. It’s a perfect fit and the model works it like nobody’s business. Yes, it’s a tad “Turkish Flag As Evening Wear,” but it’s really the one dress that seemed the slightest bit unique.

• Next, it’s Janeane’s dress. Ugh, ugh, ugh. A thousand times ugh. She says she “made a pretty dress.” I beg to differ. She says it has a nice hem. I disagree. The hem looks like it’s been pinned up to reveal a slip, and the neckline looks like the model’s shoved tissues into her cleavage and left them there. Who knew one bucket of water could do such damage?

• Finally, it’s Seth Aaron’s two-minute design. It’s nice, though totally unremarkable. It’s a red top over a black skirt made to look like a one-piece dress. It looks like it was the best design he could come up with in ten minutes. Which, considering the competition, is still a heap of a lot better than some of the others.

Once the show’s over, the judges send away the middle-of-the-pack, or as they are otherwise known, the designers who didn’t get noticed at any point earlier in the hour.

This leaves … Amy, Mila, and Maya as the three tops, and Jesus, Anna and Jesse as the three bottoms.

The judges basically say they like Mila’s since it was special, though it probably wouldn’t work on a variety of body shapes. Jesse’s dress looked OK, they think, but with the jacket, it looks like “a majorette.”

While Jesus feeds the judges a load of B.S., I decide I’ll just focus on the random shots which catch Jesse’s eyecatching backside. This spares me from having to listen to Jesus' “I made something that’s really elegant” crap.

The judges adore Amy’s look and don’t have a single negative thing to say about it.

Anna attempts to explain away why she would make a lovely lady look like a defensive tackle.

Everyone seems confused by Maya’s creation. They seem drawn to it, but don’t know why. The consensus: It’s “interesting.”

The designers are sent away for the usual chit-chat and dish. For some reason that escapes me,  the judges agree that Jesus is good with construction. Someone mentions “bosoms.” (How very "Match Game '75"!) And we all get to count how many times the judges can mention the Progresso brand in three minutes.

The designers are brought back in.

Maya is in. She heads off to claim dibs on the flat-iron.

Amy is … the winner of the challenge! (Yea!) She heads off to come up with something else remarkable (and hopefully develop some personality).

Mila is in. She heads off to wrestle Maya for the hair product.

Jesse is in. He heads off so we can watch him walk away.

Leaving Anna and Jesus.

Heidi shames the pair before delivering the verdict.

Anna … is in. She heads off to occupy space until next week.

Which means Jesus is out.

Y jodido.

Next time on Project Runway: An unprecedented reward! Clown clothes! And Tim is worried!

Project Runway: The Flowchart Of Fashion

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: The Flowchart Of Fashion
January 28, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: Everyone ran off to a muddy potato farm to get their challenge, which was to create party dresses for their models made entirely from potato sacks. Jay won for making a feathery-looking number which didn’t look like burlap. Ping managed to survive despite putting her model’s nude backside on display. Jesus stayed in it too, despite obliterating the burlap entirely. And Pamela got the boot for making her model look like she had a actually had an ass.

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Morning. The designers are groggy and decide to start their day with strong coffee, a healthy teeth brushing and a hearty of ragging on Ping (The Ziggy Stardust of Designers). Jesus (The Jysterically Jopeless), who has taken upon himself to start referring to himself in the third person, reveals his magical plan of winning by perpetually being the one in the bottom two who gets to stay.

Meanwhile, we set the stage for the rest of the hour with Jesse (Jack Sparrow Of The Bobbins) explaining how much he can’t stand Ping and thinks she really should have been the one to go home last week. I’m sure this won’t be any kind of harbinger of what is to come.

On the runway, The Fertility Goddess Heidi pops out. (And, as seen on last week’s Models show, the designers pick models, leaving Ping’s multi-lingual, ass-exposed girl eliminated from the competition.) Once that’s over, it’s off for another field trip.

The designers are then delivered to the Metropolitan Museum Of Art. There, Tim greets them while standing before a collection of ten of the greatest works of fashion ever. He explains that for the next challenge, the designers will be working in teams of two.

[Dramatic music.]

They will be charged with creating a high-end signature look which, supposedly, would fit in with these classic pieces.

And since it will be hard work to pretend that that would even be possible, the producers  are giving the designers $500 with which to buy materials, the highest ever in the series’ history. Because with that kind of money, the dresses will _have_ to be museum ready, right?

Also, they’ll have two days in which to create this look, so they can go as slowly as they’d like since there’s _no way_ they’d be called upon to do anything but create one masterful gown.

Since Jay (The Sewing Budgie) won the last challenge, he’s automatically a team leader. Tim picks the rest of the leaders from the Crown Royal Bag O’ Buttons.

They are …

Jesus. Anthony (Miss Sassafras 2009). Janeane (The Waterworks). Mila (Ms. Fisher Price Hair, Sr.). Ping. And Emilio (The Eventual Winner).


The leaders get to picking their partners.

• Jay picks … Maya (Miss Fisher Price Hair, Jr.).

• Jesus picks … Amy (The Eventual Runner-Up).

• Anthony picks … Seth Aaron (The One Who Is Hungry Like The Wolf).

• Janeane  picks … Ben (The One Who Doesn’t Register On Film).

• Mila picks … Jonathan (The Frustrated Quipper).

• Which leaves as the last two, Jesse and Anna (A Designer On Project Runway).

Jesse explains  to us that the very last thing he’d want in the world is to be paired with Ping. Being paired with Ping would make him draw a scabbard across his side bow.

So, naturally …

• Ping picks … Jesse.

Aaarrrrrrgh!

This leaves …

Emilio with … Anna.

Since this “Anna” does not cast a shadow, this is the last we will see of Emilio and Amy this episode. I’m sure they did a fine job and we’ll tune in next week to see what happens then.

The designers get a few minutes to drool over the classic outfits to draw their inspiration and then it’s back to the workroom to sketch and watch Ping v. Jesse, Round One:The Awakening.

Ping babbles about how she wants to make something that’s flow-y and drape-y and how she wants to combine this with Jesse’s precise, tailored and knows-how-to-sew-shit look.

Anthony tells Seth Aaron he wants his look to have a surprise “yella.” Jonathan sardonically says that Mila has “no problem making decisions.” And somewhere on the screen there appear the faint outlines of two designers which, through process of elimination, I take to be Janeane and Ben. I assume this has to do with some dress they’re making.

Elsewhere, we see Maya and Jay collaborating. Maya explains that since Jay has immunity*, she’s going to be taking the lead on the design here.

(*Note: As Tim Gunn himself noted in his blogs, no one said anything last week about the winner of that last challenge getting immunity in this challenge, probably since it was to be a team one. But everyone in the room is talking like Jay got immunity. And even on the runway at the end, Heidi suggests he did. So, maybe he did? Look for this situation as the Tiebreaker Trivia Question 52 in the 2014 version of Project Runway: The Home Game.)

And off to their first-this-season visit to Mood!

There, the designers swoon over being able to pick out expensive fabrics and we get to see Ping v. Jesse, Round Two: The Drape Warriors.

She spends her time draping fabric over her body and when he asks if she’s going to be able to sew all that, she tells him to not worry, since he’ll be doing all the sewing. He punches his hand in frustration while she spends the rest of their time running around the shop looking for her missing sketch book and even manages to misplace her money.

At this point, Jesse is clearly thinking of hanging Ping from the highest yardarm.

Thank you, Mood!

Back in the workroom, they all start creating and we go right into Ping v. Jesse, Round Three: The Re-Pants-ening. She wants 1,001 pieces sewn together and wants Jesse to do the work while she concentrates on her liturgical dance. Jesse thinks, “Avast!"

Meanwhile, we also get a taste of our supporting quibblers du jour, Jonathan and Mila. Mila’s plan is to create some retro-yet-modern, space-age-yet-millennial thingamajig, yet let Jonathan do most of the heavy lifting and heavy snarking.

Elsewhere, Anthony is coming to the realization that their color palette (yellow, red and black) is better suited to a clown on a drive-though menu than it is to a fashion runway. Still, he manages to make me actually laugh for the first time this season. So there’s that.

Before you know it, day one ends and day two begins. And since they will have all day to finish their looks I’m sure it will be a leisurely one where _ absolutely nothing unexpected could possibly take place. _

Enter Tim with the announcement that something unexpected is about to take place.

Gather ‘round, kiddies!

Yes, in a development none of you could have possibly seen coming, you will now have to create a second look!

Gasp.

But, wait! There’s more! This look will have to be a budget look, made with a budget which is only 10% of what you spent on your high-end look, that is $50.

Aaaaaaaand …

Aaaaaaaand?

And the low-end dress will need to be inspired by the high-end look of a competing team!

Out comes the Crown Royal bag and the teams get to picking their “inspirations.”

Here’s where the need for a flowchart comes in.

Ping/Jesse pick … Emilio/Somebody.

• Janeane/Ben pick … Mila/Jonathan.

• Jay/Maya pick … Janeane/Ben.

• Mila/Jonatha pick … Anthony/Seth Aaron.

• Anthony/Seth Aaron pick … Jesus/Amy.

• Jesus/Amy pick … Ping/Jesse.

• So, Emilo/That Other Girl are left with … Maya/Jay.

The designers then get 20 minutes in which to kvetch about having to make another look, figure out how they can be “inspired” without copying before one member from each team rushes off to Mood for fabric.

(At this point, I wonder how Irina from last season would have taken to this “be inspired but don’t copy” concept. … Sorry. I promise that will be the last time I bring up that misbegotten saga.)

Once they all get back from their fashion scramble, we go back to the workroom for Ping v. Jesse, Round Four: The Curse Of Ping. Ping shows off the _ fabulous _ fabric she chose for the second look and Jesse remarks that it looks like something more appropriate for Patty, The Daytime Hooker.

Our second supporting storyline also gets some play here when Maya (Mila? No, Maya!) complains that, since Jay has immunity (?), he’s being a big slacker, letting Lil Miss Bangface do all the work.

Moving back to our first supporting storyline, we check back in with Jonathan who’s now complaining that Mila is spending all her time on the main look’s coat while he has to do everything else.

And we get to see that Anthony and Seth Aaron are also having their share of sassy conflict over the creative process.

(You know what? I finally realized what these team challenges always remind me of. A bicycle built for two. Have you ever been on one? With someone else? Have you ever noticed that whoever’s in front will always complain that the person in back isn’t pedaling hard enough? It’s like that.)

Moving on …

The models arrive for their fittings. They include … The Jaded, Dour Lesbian Model; The Unique-Looking, Bi-Racial Model; The Newbie Model; The Scottish Taylor Swift Model; and The Sour, Asian, Valley Girl Model Who Just Can’t Be Bothered.

During the fittings, we get Ping v. Jesse, Round Five: The Revenge Of Jesse. While Jesse wants to see how the primary dress looks on the model, Ping wants to focus on making sure the girl knows how to perform a proper demi-plié in the gown.

Emilio reminds us he’s still here, by snarking that he really hates Ping. (Yes, dear. You established that in the first 30 seconds of the show. Now get back to your appliques.)

As work continues, Anthony shows some Ping love, telling her she’s doing an “awesome” job. And when she says nothing more than thank you, he shames the loon into saying something nice about him in return. Because that’s how the codependent rolls.

Time for Tim’s Walkaround And Catchphrase Bombardment!

Tim’s concerned that Maya (Mila? No, Maya!) and Jay won’t have time to finish both looks.

Tim’s concerned that the fabric Ping chose for the second outfit looks like “cheap and cheerful wrapping paper.”

Over at Anthony and Seth Aaron’s station, the two re-enact a domestic sitcom for the mentor, ending with Anthony telling Seth Aaron to “not act up in front of company.” If memory serves, I believe the scene was a mash-up of "227" and "I Married Joan."

Tim likes what Mila and Jonathan are doing. And we don’t really need to look in on the rest, since it’s pretty obvious that that they’re going to be safe this week.

Work! Work! Work!

And finally, it's the day of the runway show. The boys make sure their hair is appropriately pointy, the girls make sure they look properly funereal and it’s back to the workroom for the cross-designer smacktalk!

Emilio rags on another team’s construction. Maya rags on Jay’s immunity-inspired slacking. And … oh, yes, please. More of Ping v. Jesse. It’s Round Six, The Resurrection.

Jesse wants to, at this late hour, redo one of the dresses. Ping thinks that there may be a chance that Jesse is more concerned with his not being sent home than he is with helping her reach the third level of astral projection.

Mila and Jonathan negotiate how they’re going to sell each other out on the runway if they’re on the bottom, the primary bickerers continue their friction, the models head off for their sponsoriffic hair and makeup session and ….

Ping! Ding! Time!

On the runway, Heidi appears, recaps the challenge, introduces Michael and Nina (who have now been hermetically sealed to their judges seats) and this week’s guest judge, noted British bald spot Matthew Williamson.

On with the show!

(OK, we still have too many outfits to describe here. So, blah, blah, blah. The signature looks come out. Then the budget looks come out. Some are great some are odd. Some are horrible. This should be pretty easy, except that some teams had one good/great dress and one boring/hideous dress.)

Heidi calls out the top and bottom teams.

The tops are … Mila/Jonathan (or, Team BangWhine) and Jay/Maya/Maya/Jay (Team Who’s On First?).

The bottoms are … Ping/Jesse (or, Team LoonDubloon) and Anthony/Seth Aaron (Team Wild SassyBoys).

The questioning begins with Jay and Maya. After insisting that immunity didn’t mean anything to him and insisting that he didn’t slack off (cut to Maya looking peeved), the pair describe their outfits.

Their high-end look is very structural and, to my mind, really interesting. With one bare shoulder and the other being covered in a dramatic layered piece, it does look like something that could be in a museum. Their budget look also looks remarkable. When the judges call out the model wearing the other team’s high-end dress (the one that served as the inspiration), we see that their budget look looks ten times better than that other squad’s expensive look. Bravo! (I mean, Lifetime!)

The questioning then turns to Mila and Jonathan. Their signature look is a modernistic Wild, Wild World Of Batwoman-Goes-To-A-Track-Meet coat over some fancy leggings. It, too, is dramatic. It’s sold really well by the model and, seeing as it’s the only thing that involved pants, stands out even more. The judges love it.

The team’s budget look, inspired by Anthony/Seth Aaron’s golden arches look, is a yellow and black baby doll dress. It puts me to sleep.

And then the bottoms come out.

Ping and Jesse get the grilling first. The team’s signature look, for me, is one of those love-it-or-hate-it things. I’m sure that most everyone hates it. It is, after all, a nicely detailed, Jesse-tailored top with a bottom consisting of draped, loose fabric which is carried on one arm by the model. But, once again, for a reason that totally escapes me, I like it.

The budget look, though, is pure crap. There’s nothing to it. There’s less than nothing to it. It’s  the −√2 of fashion.

Jesse calls out Ping, saying he had to spend most of his time teaching Ping how to sew and Jesse’s model (The Newbie) even pipes up to say that Ping didn’t even bother to fit her, spending all her time instead on teaching the model how to perform an arabesque while remaining draped.

Burn!

Turning to Anthony and Seth Aaron, Michael describes their signature look as the “cotillion party in the South from hell.” Basically, it’s a tacky, yellow and black prom dress with enough black tulle on the bodice to make Morticia Addams cackle in delight.

As for their budget look, it’s … it’s a dress. It boring. Nina calls both dresses “really ugly” and expresses her disappointment that Seth Aaron didn’t make something better.

The designers and models are sent away for the usual deliberations. Once that’s over, the designers are called back in.

Jonathan is in. He’s sent away.

Mila is … the winner! (Er, yea?) She (explicitly) wins immunity in the next challenge.

Maya is in. She’s sent away.

Jay is in. He’s set away to buy more hair gel.

Now for the losers.

Seth Aaron is in. He’s sent away to look for the New Moon On Monday.

Jesse is in. He’s sent off to shiver his timbers.

Leaving Anthony and Ping.

Anthony is … in.

Which means Ping is out.

So, Ping got dinged.

Next time on Project Runway: They design for a “very inspiring group of women.” A fashion emergency of Chernobyl proportions!

Project Runway: The Ass Flap (Or, Sack Up!)

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: The Ass Flap (Or, Sack Up!)
January 21, 2010

Previously on Project Runway: 126 designers descended on New York City in an attempt by the producers to make us forget that the last gawdawful season ever happened. The contestants ran through Central Park to collect fabric to make dresses showcasing their individual styles. One of them named Emilio won for making a snappy little number and another one, whom we won’t soon forget, was sent packing for making an awful mess. Her name might have been Christina. Or Christa. Or Couldn’carelessa.

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Be advised, gentle reader. Columbus, Ohio, has some seriously icky weather in winter. As such, the beaches of Mexico proved to be irresistible and I got the hell out of here for most of this past week.

Why do I mention this? Well, I have piles of crap on which to catch up and can’t really wrap my head around PR this week. Plus, I’m still feeling the margaritas.


Morning. Cue the “Wow, I can’t believe someone’s gone home. I now realize this is a competition” footage.

Jesus, The Designated Bottom Feeder, who was in the bottom three last week, is amazed that his faux crocodile-as-evening gown was so poorly received. He insists that he will now “step up.”

After the designers are all seen discussing how they’re looking forward to a trip to Mood and some random unexpected twist, they head off to the runway for the (as seen on the Models show) models pick.

Spoiler alert: The one who was paired with last week’s loser went home. I know. I was crushed, too.

Once that’s over, Heidi sends everyone off to meet Tim at some secret location. And that location proves to be …

A farm. A very muddy farm.

There, Tim, who is clearly very concerned about manure on his couture, is standing in front of all the models, who are each resplendent in the latest model of burlap sack.

Yes, it’s the I Love Lucy "Lucy Wants A Paris Gown" episode!

Tim informs the designers that they will each be charged with making a dress for their models out of these potato sacks. And the models (who by now we’ve learned have horrible taste in clothes) will be their clients.

Sadly though, feed bags will not need to be incorporated into the designs. (Again, Lucy reference. I shouldn’t need to be explaining this.)

One really interesting wrinkle to the challenge (though burlap doesn’t wrinkle) will be that the models will be choosing the designers.

One by one, the walking coat hangers pick the dressmakers. And surprisingly, a couple of them actually pick designers other than the ones who had picked them.

Of course, since not only do I not give a crap about the models but I also haven’t had time to process who any of them are, I’ll just say that Mila’s model threw her over for Miss Anthony Bouvier.

This sets in motion a cataclysm which ripples through the fashion world to this day.

Or it just makes a few of the other girls pick different designers too.

Back in the workroom, Mila, The Elder Of The Bangs, is still whining about how her model dumped her and she’s determined to show her how she just doesn't care. She doesn’t care at all about it! Not one bit! And she makes a point of stopping everyone who walks by to impress on them exactly how much she doesn’t care.

Miss Anthony Bouvier, who was picked by the evil, evil model, is on the receiving end of much of Mila’s bangy bitterness. Still, he understands. After all, “This is a competition.”

As work proceeds, we see that most of the designers are working to dye their burlap, which we learn is a time-consuming process. Some others though, such as Ping Who Came From Planet Claire, are letting the fabric stay all rustic-y.

Then, Tim arrives earlier than he normally would for his walk-around.

He greets Pamela Of The Vowel-Deprived Last Name. She explains that she’s making her dress look like denim. (Because she wanted her dress to get away from an association with a farm?) This, Tim doesn’t mind. What concerns him is that she’s insisting on making it all one piece.

Mila explains that she’s going to try to turn her sack into an ultra-modern dress. Asked about why she’s adding some particular frippery to the dress, the haggard one explains that it’s something her model wanted. Tim tells her to forget about the model, since, as we’ve said before, they’re not what we’d call “good” at fashion.

Jay The Cockatiel makes Tim have a petite mal seizure when he explains how much work he’s planning on putting into his work. And Ping, surprisingly, doesn’t make Tim writhe on the floor with her design style.

Still, he does tell her to be aware that her dress may be a tad too short. And with the judges looking up at the models who will standing on the runway, the fact that they could look up at the poor girl’s lady business could prove “vulgar.”

Ping responds with a look that says, in no uncertain terms, “Hmmm. What should I have for dinner?”

Actually, she says she’ll lower the hem. And considers the duck for her entree.

Tim checks in with Amy The Persian Wonder and learns that she too is faced with a model who is requesting a dress that looks like poo. Tim reminds her that the models aren’t the judges. (Again, models’ tastes are all in their mouths. Which is ironic, since they don’t eat.)

Checking in with Jesus Of The Deep, Tim learns that the designer’s plan is to fulfill the requirements of this challenge by using the burlap as scratchy underwear onto which he will affix the usual boring evening gown he wanted to make anyway. The mentor is not pleased. And it makes him resort to … a pun. Yes, an actual pun.

It wasn’t pretty.

And neither is the outfit. But more on that later.

Tim tosses off his usual list of catchphrases and sends in the models.

We see the designers try to sell the models on their designs. Ping works to make sure her model’s “buttocks are covered.” And Jesus proves he has never seen this show before, since he thinks that if his model “backs him up” on the runway, the fact that he totally ignored Tim’s advice will not be noticed.

Miss Anthony Bouvier complains about his model’s shitty taste. Mila, gleeful that her old model is giving another designer headaches, is totally glad, glad you hear?!  that she was dumped and is having just a perfect, perfect time with her new model. See? Watch us laugh! We’re having such good time over here!

And the day ends.

The next morning, we see the designers performing their morning regimens and it’s off to the workroom again for a few hours of sewing and product placement before the show.

During the scramble, designer Jonathan (there’s a designer Jonathan?) says that he doesn’t see why Ping’s so excited about her dress, since it leaves the model’s ass totally exposed.

“Maybe there’s supposed to be an ass flap,” he says. “I don’t know. It’s very strange.”

Scramble, scramble, scramble … aaaand time!

On the runway, Heidi greets the designers, welcomes the (thankfully still here) Michael and Nina and introduces this week’s guest judge, the star of American Gigolo, Lauren “Yes, I Like My Tooth Gap” Hutton!

On with the show!

(OK, we still have way too many designers to even bother considering all of these looks. So, I won’t even bother. Yet.)

After the show, Heidi calls out the three tops and three bottoms.

The tops are Persian Amy, Cockatiel Jay and Bangy Mila.

Amy’s outfit looks remarkable, flirty and fun. Plus, the fabric manages to retain its original character.

Jay’s look is also a sexy party dress, only this time in dark shades of blue with a very textured skirt. The outfit  manages to transform the fabric and even tricks the judges into thinking that maybe he cheated by using some other fabric instead. He didn’t. And that gets him high praise.

And Mila gets laurels, too, for managing to overcome the terrible, wretched insult of being dumped by her original model ... Oh, and for managing to make a really, really sexy, ultra-modern dress which serves up enough side-boob to keep most teenage boys in need of a daily supply of tissues and hand cream.

The bottoms are ruled to be Jesus The Jorrible, Pamela Ptkqwrty and The Bottomless Ping.

Jesus gets raked over the coals for making a boring, mostly brown evening dress. And he really gets it for sidestepping the challenge by covering up the burlap almost completely.

Pamela, meanwhile, has made her burlap sack look like a denim miniskirt that looks just like it stepped off the Rock Of Love Bus. The less said about it the better. But, seriously, if someone can make a runway model look like someone who would get the attention of Sir Mix-A-Lot, that’s saying something. Even the model can’t bring herself to say something nice about it. (And we’ve established that models have shitty taste.)

In fact, we learn later that the model thought the dress made her look like a cowgirl. Or a reverse cowgirl. I can never tell those two things apart.

And, lastly, there’s Ping. Oh, Ping. Poor, crazy, Ping.

This season’s wackadoo did manage to keep the dress looking like burlap. And she did manage to “create an interesting silhouette” (which is what I always hear whenever someone makes a dress which makes a woman look like she has wings where her hips would be). But she also allowed everyone in the room to see What The Proctologist Saw.

Which I think was the name of an old Mack Sennett silent picture, if I’m not mistaken.

Anyhoo, after the usual back and forth, (and a Seacrest-esque fake-out from Heidi) the winner is … Cockatiel Jay! Yea!

So, after the three tops are gone, Ping is then sent off to safety as well. (Yea! She’s a fun crazy.)

Which leaves Jesus and Pamela.

A moment later, Heidi delivers the verdict. And the auf’ed designer is … Pamela.

And so she heads off down that dusty fashion trail. Yee haw.

Next time on Project Runway: Teams! Sniping! And someone will have to work with Ping!

Project Runway: Aaaand We’re Back!

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: Aaaand We’re Back!
January 13, 2010

Mommy! Mommy! I had this terrible dream! Project Runway was in Los Angeles, instead of New York. Everything was really boring and for some reason the only thing anyone wanted to talk about was who invented the sweater. Michael and Nina had been replaced with a rotisserie of random people plucked right off Hollywood Boulevard. And you wanna know the craziest part? Heidi wasn’t pregnant at all!

Wow. That was the stupidest dream ever. It was even worse than that time I dreamed that there was this big lawsuit between Bravo and these two really fat brothers.

So, we’re back in New York for an all-new season of Project Runway! And the entire population of the tri-state area has been narrowed down to these 62 designers. Let’s get to know them!

• Amy Sarabi, 26, Plano, Texas, via Oakland, Calif.: This season’s designated Persian. Says she “likes being different.” Just like everyone else.

• Anna Marie Lynett, 23, Whitefish Bay, Wisc.., via Milwaukee, Wisc.: Fulfills contractual obligation that all fashion design contest shows feature a minimum of one cheddarhead.

• Anthony Williams, 28, Birmingham, Ala., via Atlanta, Ga.: Sassy, zoftig, black gay guy who’s quick with a quip. Uses “honey” in conversation with effortless ease. Speaks of himself in the third person. A truly unique creature, the likes of which have never been seen before.

• Ben Chmura, 30, Meriden, Conn., via Tampa, Fla.: Likes comic books. Emulates them. Will essay the role of Invisidude.

• Christiane King, 30, Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, via Los Angeles: An innovator. Likes color and texture. Actually comes from a place where there is color “24/7.”  May actually be one of the models from Season Six incognito.

• Emilio Sosa, 43, Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, via New York, N.Y.: Worked in costume design, but would rather have his outfits ride the subway instead.

• Janeane Marie Ceccanti, 28, Willows, Calif,. via Portland, Ore.: The designated sob sister. Has trouble with revolving doors.

• Jay Nicolas Sario, 31, Manila, The Philippines, via San Francisco, Calif.: Missed the memo about fauxhawks being passé. Weighs 145 pounds. Does not want to be a millionaire.

• Jesse LeNoir, 25, Painesville, Ohio, via Orlando, Fla.: This season’s designated crush object for most viewers. Part hipster, part Disney World cast member. Does a mean Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.

• Jesus Estrada, 21, Mazatlan, Mexico: The one who is all about evening gowns. Will also do double duty as the sassy Latino contestant.

• Jonathan Peters, 29, Woonsocket, R.I.: Thinks he’s an “animal,” makes comical throat noises and attempts sassy sound bites. Also missed the fauxhawk memo. Could possibly be gay. Also, could be a carbon-based life form.

• Maya Luz, 22, Santa Fe, N.M., via New York, N.Y.: Punk rock girl. Bangface, junior.

• Mila Hermanovski, 40, Dallas, Texas via Los Angeles, Calif.: The one I’m sure is either lying about her age or is spending way too much time in the sun. This season’s costume designer. Bangface, senior.

• Pamela Ptak, 47, Pittsfield, Mass., via Pucks County, Penn.: The one who had another career before this. Should spend the rest of the season searching for her missing vowel.

• Ping Wu, 34, Chengdu, People's Republic of China, via Chicago, Ill.: Physical therapist by day, designer by night. The requisite loon.

• Seth Aaron Henderson, 38, Vancouver, Wash.: The best-preserved member of Duran Duran.

Now, these first episodes are always such a blur, since we don’t know any of these people. And what design we do see goes by so fast, we can barely process any of it. So, here’s an express trip through what happens.

Heidi and Tim invite the gang for the traditional rooftop champagne toast, the traditional “I’m pregnant with my 16th baby Seal, so I’ll just have apple cider” from Heidi and the “never before have we had such (talented designers, people with a spirit of innovation, raging wackjobs with bad hairstyles)” from Tim. Everyone says how they can’t believe they’re actually here. Someone needs help with identifying the Empire State Building.

The next morning, the mob arrives in Central Park where the designers discover that it has been littered with bolts of fabric and an incongruous Project Runway catwalk. After Anthony makes a mandatory sassy remark, Tim informs the gang that they are to each make an outfit which best reflects who he or she is as a designers. And they’ll have three minutes in which to make a mad dash for the fabrics.

Cue the designer scramble footage.

Once that’s done, Tim springs the “twist” on them. They’ll have to learn to edit and will have two minutes to drop all but five fabrics. Ping provides comic relief when she has trouble unfurling her fabric.

To the workroom!

Once at Parsons, Tim pimps out the show’s new sponsor, the fantabulous multi-media tablets from Kaypro, and work begins.

The designers work and discuss their plans. But, seeing as there are so many, I just can’t focus on them. When Tim shows up for his “talk to me”s, things get a bit more clear.

Christiane’s making some mess involving blue fabric sewn together with a blue and yellow print. Tim tells her to finish it “impeccably.” I’m doubtful that that will happen.

Ping beams in from her galaxy and Tim discovers her draped in what appears to be all of her fabrics. He asks is she’s cold. She says that this is how she designs. He asks if she can be objective when she uses her own body instead of a dress form. She receives a message from her home planet and can’t really process both stimuli simultaneously.

Seth Aaron has seemingly stepped away from the Duran Duran pose to give us a bit of Bruce Springsteen with a headband in ’85. While I go hunting in my iTunes for “I’m On Fire,” I hear him telling Tim something about zippers.

Janeane Marie tells Tim how she’s making a little black dress. Tim is concerned that it’s looking like a puckered mess. Janeane Marie starts crying again, thinking salty tear stains can only improve the look.

Anthony tells Tim how Anthony is “wonderfully well” as he presents his six dresses, six fabrics glued together concept. Tim is concerned that Anthony is upstaging one dramatic fabric with another, lesser one. Anthony tells him how Anthony will be changing the dress before anyone else sees it. Now if only someone could tell Anthony how Anthony’s full of it.

Off to Jesus’s station where we see that El Sassypantalon has taken his faux reptilian mini-skirt and turned it into a long evening gown with more brown faux reptile fabric tacked on. Tim is concerned that the seam doesn’t seem intentional. In fact he’s downright “disturbed.”

Lastly, Tim is seen at Emilio’s station, where the designer’s made a fantastically complicated top by appliqueing white stripes of patterned fabric over a plum-colored fabric. While Tim loves what he sees, he’s concerned that the designer could be the first in the show’s history to not finish in time for the runway show.

Really, Tim. Have we already forgotten that clown who sent down the runway a model who, save for an intricate collar, was naked? That was last season, right. … Oh, wait. I forgot. That was part of my NyQuil fever dream. Carry on.

Tim leaves the workroom, telling everyone how he’s concerned that they’ll need to recalibrate their designs if they are to finish on time.

And, look, Janeane Marie’s crying again. It seems she’s scrapping her entire outfit and starting over. The tear-stained look just wasn’t cutting it.

Next, it’s the day of the runway show and we have the obligatory cross-designer smack-talk footage, the “I think I’m going to win this” footage, the contractually obligated plug for the Psst, Your Hair Smells Terrific Hair and Makeup Room and the demand that everyone use the Ruelala.com Accessory Wall thoughtfully.

Snip, snip, snip! Sew, sew, sew! Quip, quip, quip! Aaaaand … time!

At the show, Heidi Of The Fertile Loins emerges to introduce us to the erstwhile runway strangers Michael and Nina and our guest judge, thesmokinggun.com’s Nicole Richie.

Really? Wasn’t the appearance of Lindsey Lohan last season the equivalent of the cursed Tiki idol on The Brady Bunch? Do they really want to risk that again?

Anyhoo, Heidi almost says that Nicole will Launch Her Line, risking another Bravo lawsuit and it’s on with the show!

Now, since there still 132 designers and we only get 12.2 microseconds in which to assess each outfit, there’s no way I’m mentioning them all. All that matters is that the six that we saw Tim check in on are the tops and bottoms. Oh, and that Janeane Marie stopped sobbing long enough to create a decent outfit which landed somewhere in the middle of the pack.

After Heidi sends away the middle 126 designers, we’re left with … Seth Aaron, Emilio, Ping, Jesus, Anthony and Christiane.

The questioning begins.

Anthony presents his hastily slapped together flowered print dress with the matching three foot bow attached at the hip. It looks like hell. And on close inspection it REALLY looks like hell. Mr. Refugee From Designing Women is relieved that the judges didn’t make him cry or some such.

The judges all seem to really love Seth Aaron’s dress, which he calls “Little Tokyo.” It’s a  cute little dress in a neutral checked pattern with braces and a huge red zipper up the back. It’s really cool and the husband thinks it deserves the win.

Then, it’s time for the Ping show! The loony tune babbles about her design aesthetic while her model looks positively miserable. I picture a sad puppy which has just discovered that someone had dumped a bag of laundry on its head. Still, for some reason that totally escapes me, I like the outfit. And it looks that it’s really intrigued the judges too.

This is followed by Jesus, who shows off his Samsonite-as-evening wear gown. Immediately, the judges zero in on the seam which reveals that the dress had gone from mini to maxi in one easy step. Nina calls it a “chocolate bar.” Michael makes a reference to crocodiles. … Oh, how we missed you guys!

Next, the judges turn to Christiane. Her dress is an unmitigated disaster. From afar, it looked bad. Up close, it looked like something from The Fashion Show. It’s puckering, ugly, tacky, unfinished, ugly, poorly constructed … and also ugly. Naturally, the designer calls it “sophisticated,” “elegant” and “sexy.”

Lastly, they question Emilio. The dress came out wonderfully and the man modeling it is very handsome indeed. Michael notes that it is “deceptively simple,” which is one of the many things that really is so cool about the woven, segmented, complicated outfit.

The designers are sent away for the “let’s talk behind their backs” footage and Michael Kors Makes Catty Analogies moments. Once those are over, the six are called back out.

Ping is safe. She teleports off the runway.

Emilio is … the winner! He gets immunity in the next challenge and is sent off to tell us how he now has a target on his back.

Seth Aaron is safe. He heads off to join the rest of the Wild Boys and Girls on Film.

Anthony is … safe. He gets the vapors and makes a total ass of himself before he finally leaves the runway under threat that Heidi just might change her mind and auf’ him.

Which leaves Christiane and Jesus. As it was prophesied in the Book of Revelation.

After a quick fake out, Heidi declares Jesus to be safe. Christiane is out.

Cue the “this won’t be the last you hear of me” footage from a designer no one will remember in 14 days.

Next time on Project Runway: Mud! Tim makes a pun! And someone’s actually made a runway model look heavy!

Top Chef Las Vegas: Finally, Pt. 2 (Or, Three Chefs, Two Moms)

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Finally, Pt. 2 (Or, Three Chefs, Two Moms)
December 9, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The final four chefs arrived in Napa Valley for the first part of the final challenge. Onboard a train, they made grape-ish dishes and, for having the winning vineyard-y offering, Michael won a brand! new! car! Afterward, they catered a party for crush fetishists (or something like that) and, when it was all over, our dear Jennifer was sent packing.

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OK, kiddos. If you’re reading this, you no doubt watched the show and you know who won. And if you’re me, you’re thinking, “Damn it to all bloody hell. When it’s ‘all about the  food’ and ‘great chefs making great food’ it’s nearly impossible to be freakin’ entertaining.”

So, that’s my internal monologue.

And off we go …

We’re still in Napa Valley (no major troop movements since last week, thank goodness) and our three final chefs are still Chef Kevin Of Beardlandia, Chef Bryan Of Stäubli Robotics Corp. and Chef Michael Of Ferrari Le Tigra Blue Steel. And right out of the gate, Kevin decides to prove to us that he’s “stoked” to be in the finale by cursing a lot.

Oh, you never noticed the cherubic one had such a potty mouth, did ya? Maybe it’s because he doesn’t curse in anger. Or maybe it’s that whole cherubic thing.

The three chefs go on about how great they each are and it’s off to the vineyard to meet Tom and Padma-And-A-Half. Tom tells the three that they will each be preparing a three-course meal … with a twist! The twist: The chefs will each receive a box with identical ingredients. One of the three dishes must use all of the ingredients in this mystery box.

(I would make a joke about the movie Seven here. But I’ve never seen it. … But I know what’s in the box. Which is probably why I’ve never seen it. … Moving on.)

Tom says that for the second course, they can make anything they wish with anything they find in the pantry. And for the third course, they will have to make a dessert.

They will serve their dinners at the local two-star rated Applebee’s before some of the “preeminent restaurateurs in the country.”

After the requisite griping from the chefs about cooking constraints, we get the expected/unexpected “and here come your helpers now!” moment.

Out from the vines step each and every one of the chefs already eliminated this season, led by Jennifer, who bears the knife block of doom. Padma explains that each remaining cheftestant will get two of their fallen comrades to act as their sous chefs for the final challenge. One will cook with them on Day One and the other will cook with them on Day Two.

None of them will utter a word on camera. Which, considering how much I can’t stand one of the sous chef selectees, is just as well.

Michael speaks for the three finalists in saying how there are “some” names that no one wants to pull. (Everyone look at Robin and cough casually. Maybe she won’t notice.)

They get a knife-pullin’.

Kevin gets Preeti. He’s concerned.

Bryan gets Jennifer. He’s thrilled.

Michael gets Jesse. (Uh, who? I didn’t recognize her without the Aunt Jemima headgear and with the new blonde ‘do.)

Kevin gets Ash. Now, I’m thrilled.

Bryan gets Ashley. Which is making me wonder if this week’s knife block is sponsored by Team Rainbow© (Since Season Five).

Michael gets Eli The Basement-Dwelling Gnome. (Side note: I fully expect Eli to star in the second season of VH-1’s new hit show, Frank the Entertainer… in a Basement Affair. Pass it on.)

After the pickin’, Kevin expresses jealousy that his two competitors got the two chefs  with whom he was most familiar (Jennifer and Eli).

With fifteen minutes to plan, the chefs and their sous chefs head back to the Applebee’s kitchen to see what’s in the box. We see that it’s a collection of shit I wouldn’t recognize with a lifetime subscription to both Food & Wine and Field & Stream. So, I’m just gonna say that in there they find a rare fish, a rare mushroom, a rare lemon, a rare green vegetable and some other stuff.

After their time is up, the Day Two helpers say goodbye and the finalists get three hours to work. Jesse helps Michael. Ashley helps Bryan. And Preeti cuts some vegetables, much to the consternation of Kevin, who has to do 90 percent of the rest of the prep work.

That’s one pissed off lumberjack/chef you got there.

In the kitchen, we get more of compare-and-contrast Brothers Voltaggio action. Michael says he’s the risk taker and Bryan’s more programmed. To prove this, Michael asks Bryan for a nine-volt battery for some gizmo and Bryan produces one from behind his rear panel.

And, before you know it, Day One is over.

As Day Two dawns, the chefs are sitting around planning their meals when there is a knock at the door. Uh-oh, think the chefs. This has to be a final twist!

Kevin opens the door, expecting expecting Padma with the final monkey wrench, and is instead startled to see … his mother. And coming in right behind her is Michael’s and Bryan’s mom, too!

Hugs. Tears. And more brother drama, now with added which-one-does-mom-love-best flavor!

Once that’s done, it’s back to Applebee’s for more cooking. But wait! Tom’s stopping them to deliver the final twist.

Insert Bryan robot laugh here.

Tom tells the three that, in “honor” of their moms' totally unexpected and unplanned visit, they will have to add one more course to their menus. The now first-course-of-four will be something that's inspired by their moms and their favorite childhood dish.

Go!

While they cook, we get the requisite grainy pictures of the chefs as kids and a wealth of biographical information. From this, I learn that Michael and Bryan are actually brothers. Also, Kevin was really smart to grow that beard.

Bryan attempts a vocal exercise while he cooks, muttering “tuna noodle, tuna noodle, tuna noodle” to warm up his larynx. And work commences.

For the first course, Kevin’s making something involving fried chicken skin, Bryan’s being inspired by his mantra, and Michael’s making something with dehydrated broccoli, since he hated broccoli as a kid.

As for the mystery box dish, Kevin’s struggling a bit with the mushrooms, but is pleased that, unlike Preeti, Ash is able to take on a great deal of the prep work. (Goooo, Ash!)

For the third dish, Michael’s making squab, Bryan’s making venison, Kevin’s making pork belly … and I’m fresh out of funny for any of this. I just wanna eat.

Lastly, for their desserts, Michael has planned some sort of complicated chocolate cake creation, Kevin is making a roasted banana with chocolate bacon (chocolate bacon?!?) and Bryan is ready to go with a dulce de leche cheesecake.

OK, now I’m really hungry. And coming from someone who’s generally immune to the charms of desserts, that’s saying something.

Plating, plating, plating. Aaaaaand … time!

In the dining room, we see that the judges and guests are already seated. And we also see that (surprise!) the moms are also at the table. (OK, now that’s just mean. How are people supposed to be able to vivisect a chef right in front of his mom?)

Padma & The Decolletage instantly address the expected awkwardness by asking the moms to forgive anyone for saying that their sons’ dishes are akin to nuclear waste. (Everyone look at Toby Young and cough discreetly.) Once that’s been dealt with, it’s on to the food.

The chefs come out from the kitchen and are shocked to see their mothers there. “This isn’t fair,” says Bryan, stating the obvious.

Pads introduces the judges, Tom, Gail, the Walking Fungus Known As Toby Young and the various restaurateurs, a group which includes several men best known for their work modeling haircuts on the walls of Italian barber shops coast-to-coast.

The chefs present their first dishes. First up, Kevin’s fried chicken skin. Second is Bryan’s take on tuna noodle casserole, now transformed into sardines on toast. And third is “Champion Eater” Michael with his “I said I hate broccoli!” cream of dehydrated broccoli with prawn.

Kevin’s dish gets high praise. And not just from his mama.

The Walking Fungus loves Bryan’s sardine, but most of the others weren’t nearly as enthused.

And Michael’s broccoli creation gets mixed reviews.

After that course is finished, the mothers are dismissed. Everyone heaves a sigh of relief, as now they can be as mean as they wanna be without being seen as Jeffrey Sebelia-esque monsters.

Then, it’s time for the second course, the mystery box dish. (Again, I don’t know jack shit about these ingredients. So, screw the details.)

Kevin made his mystery ingredients in a broth and served the mushrooms largely whole. This, the judges feel, is a huge mistake, since this particular magic mushroom is very, very tough.

Bryan made his fish with curry. It doesn’t go over terribly well, either, with most folks feeling it was under-seasoned and rather “one-note.”

Michael, however, seems to have made magic with his ingredients, and everyone feels they’re finding new, fantastic flavors with every bite.

Out next is the third “chef’s choice” dish.

Kevin’s made a pork belly dish, Bryan a venison dish and Michael a complicated squab dish.

Bryan’s gets high praise for its taste and complexity. Michael’s does as well, though one guest finds his mushroom-shaped mushroom purée was an unnecessary “gimmick.” Here, though, it’s Kevin’s dish which seems to be the least popular.

Right before the fourth course comes out, Michael discovers that Eli The Barnacle has over-filled his tiny cake molds and, to make matters worse, the cakes are now a tad overcooked. Michael curses, upset that the quality of his final dish will be far from what he’d have liked.

They serve. Kevin presents his chocolate bacon banana (IMHO,  another great band name), Bryan his cheesecake with fig sorbet and Michael his slightly overcooked chocolate caramel coulant.

The judges aren’t really crazy about Kevin’s dish and one diner really doesn’t care for the idea of pork in a dessert. Michael’s cake is, as he feared, way too dry. Still, most of the diners feel they sense how it should have come out. Plus, they do adore everything else on the plate.

But here it’s Bryan’s cheesecake that blows everyone away, with Gail calling it “a pastry chef’s dish.”

Once the meal is over, the chefs hug and reflect on their chances.

Fakeout scene!

The chefs sit around waiting to be called before the judges. And … and … and that’s it.

I’m so glad I saw that!

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

Hey, you know how this went already, don’t you?

The chefs appear before the judges. The chefs explain themselves. And The Walking Fungus makes his usual pontifications of puffery.

Finally, before the chefs are sent off for the final judges' deliberations, they’re each asked the bullshit question of the season: “Why do you think you deserve to be named Top Chef?”

Does anyone really think a certain answer would change the judges’ minds at this stage? I mean, unless it’s one of those Carrie Prejean deals, of course.

Michael actually cuts through the bullshit best when he answers, “I just don’t want Bryan to win this.”

Aaaaaand, scene! Good one, boys! Way to put a button on this whole battle-of-the-brothers theme we’ve had going since minute one of this thing!

They’re sent away.

Blah, blah, blah. Deliberate, deliberate, deliberate.

The chefs get called back in.

Tom reviews each of the three’s merits. He praises Michael to the skies. He lauds Bryan mightily. And he says that Kevin “stayed true to (him)self.”

Pregnant pause.

Padma: “Kevin …  you are not Top Chef.”

Awwwww.

Kevin heads off to be consoled by his mama.

Which leaves us exactly where this whole thing was going from the start, with the two brothers standing side-by-side as the final two.

We get a moment of brotherly bonding and …

“Michael ... you are Top Chef.”

Hugs. Mama V enters and hugs her boys. Everyone gets really choked up. Even Michael, who actually weeps.

“There’s the emotion you were waiting for, Padma.”

My take on the outcome: Shrug. I figure Michael deserved it. Sure, he was cocky and dickish at times. But if there’s serious talent behind it (and it’s not really mean-spirited), I’m cool with that. As a viewer, I prefer winners with some personality to go along with their skill.

Which isn’t to say that I wouldn’t have been just as happy with any of the final four being named the winner. But I have to think that when two separate people call a chef a “Picasso,” there has to be something really, really special about their talents. No?

Well, until next season, this is Cliffie signing off!

Now can I get someone to make me a sammich?

Top Chef Las Vegas: Finale Previews!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Finale: The Previews
December 9 , 2009

Are you quivering in antici-- (SAY IT!)--pation? Well, maybe this will help.

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From Bravo: After an incredible season, tomorrow night is the season finale of Top Chef: Las Vegas!  It has all come down to three chefs in the dramatic season finale!  The final three chefs – Kevin Gillespie, Bryan Voltaggio and Michael Voltaggio compete –along with some twists and surprises– to determine who will be crowned the winner of Top Chef: Vegas.  Will it be one of the Brothers Voltaggio?  Or will Kevin show the judges some winning Southern cooking?  There can only be one "Top Chef."  Who will take home the title?

Also, want to make sure you are getting excited about our “Top Chef Ultimate Virtual Viewing Party” next Wednesday LIVE during the Finale! You'll be able to chat with chef'testants while you're watching the episode!  Judge Toby Young, the Voltaggio brothers, Ash, Kevin, and others will be tweeting for the East Coast broadcast. Robin will tweet for the West Coast broadcast. We’ll also be giving away great Top Chef prizes all week on Twitter. Follow @bravotv and follow the instructions for your chance to win!






Only one will be Top Chef:


Final breakfast table:


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Catch you on the weekend for our finale recap!!

Top Chef Las Vegas: Funny, This Doesn’t LOOK Like Vegas

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Funny, This Doesn’t LOOK Like Vegas
December 2, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The final five had their last-in-Vegas challenge, a quasi-recreation of some fancy, schmancy culinart Olympics (®USOC). Everyone spent a bundle and prepared platters which were served from huge floor-length mirrors. The complicated dishes were dissected and, when it was all over, Kevin Of The Simple Cooking beat out Michael Of The “I Cook That On My Day Off.” Oh, and Eli was finally sent off my TV.

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We’re down to the final four, Chefs Jennifer (Last Of The XX Chromosomes) and Kevin (Dr. Beardface, pronounced “beard-fah-SAY”) and Michael and Bryan (whom I suspect may be related somehow). It’s been weeks, if not months, since they were all in the kitchen in Las Vegas. Now, they’re gathering in the Napa Valley for the finale.

And just to mix things up, rather than show them gathering in the baggage claim at the airport, we get to see the cheftestants lugging their luggage onto a rainy train platform as they reminisce.

First up, Jennifer Of The Neglected Coiff. It seems that humidity is not her friend. She tells us that her mom would think that her making it to tenth place would be “awesome,” but she doesn’t want to settle for anything less than the title.

Next, Michael Poutface arrives. He tells Jennifer that during the off-time, he and Bryan have kept that “sibling rivalry” storyline alive in preparation for this very moment.

Out third is Kevin, looking exactly like a drowned rat. (I suspect he may have swum in from Atlanta somehow.)  Also, seeing as he hasn’t had a haircut in months, I suspect he may be earning a side income by performing in a local community theater production of Henry VIII.

Lastly, Bryan arrives, protecting his circuitry from the elements with a seven-foot gold umbrella. (Moisture voids  the warranty, doncha know.)

After they discuss their loved ones and their newfound fame, a train arrives. As each has an operating cerebellum, they know that this is where their next challenge will occur.

And when the train stops, out pops Padma sporting a new addition … some really horrible, severe bangs. Also with her, Top Chef Master vet (and stern daddy fantasy figure) Michael Chiarello.

BrotherMichael is enthused to be cooking for Chiarello, as he is an “awesome” chef.

Quickfire Challenge

For the chefs final Quickfire, they will be cooking with the area’s signature item, the grape. They’ll have 30 minutes, a selection or grapes and a full pantry. Oh, and they’ll be cooking on the moving train.

Also, this will be another one of these “high stakes” Quickfires. The prize this time, a brand new, super-exciting 1982 Plymouth Reliant! Oooooooh!

Jennifer finds this “awesome.”

And since we’re in need of some drama here, the producers try to create a tasty dish of “oh no!” out of Kevin’s tendency to motion sickness. It falls flatter than Sue Ann Niven’s soufflé after Phyllis slammed the oven door.

The chefs grab their coats, the train starts chugging along and the cooking begins. For the next half-hour, they work in the cramped quarters and Kevin tries to keep down his lunch.

The producers try to milk another drop out of this whole “sibling rivalry” thing by making a big deal of the fact that Michael snagged a prep table in the back before Bryan got to it.

Kevin worries that he chose a grape with less flavor than the others, particularly since he’s chosen to make a dessert dish. Bryan tells us he’s chosen the non-local Concord grape for his dish. Michael is jazzed that he’s using every part of the grape plant for his offering. And Jennifer chugs along muttering “I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!”

Woo! Woo! ... Time!

Kevin serves his grape-y dessert first. Chairello (naturally) likes the dish’s olive oil.

Second is Michael’s grapes on a grape twig skewer, scallops wrapped in grape leaves with a grape dressing. Or something like that. It’s just the sort of terrific, creative thing we’ve come to expect from him. (Hell. Where’s the drama in that?)

Bryan serves his roasted hen with Brussels sprouts and grapes. Of course, the choice of non-local Concord grapes causes Chairello to make a face.

Lastly, Jennifer serves her sauteed chicken livers with clams and grapes. It makes Chiarello smile. Awww.

Then it’s time for the judging. Chiarello says that Kevin’s dish didn’t have enough “grape love,” Michael’s was “very nice,” Bryan’s is doomed for not using local grapes, and he says that he’ll be stealing Jennifer’s recipe for his own restaurant.

But the winner who most celebrated the local grape culture is, of course … Michael. Woo hoo.

 The husband notices something here. It appears that Michael is actually capable of smiling. And has buck teeth. (Which may explain the poutyface in more ways than one.)

The next morning at the Best Western Motor Inn the chefs squeeze in time for a quick infomercial for Utz chips and Jitterbug mobile phones before heading off to …

Elimination Challenge

… the Hanging Gardens of Franzia. There, they are met by Padma and Chairello.

Padma tells the chefs that tonight the locals will be hosting their season-end “Crush Party.” This timeless tradition honors the end of the grape harvest by gathering all the winery workers for a celebration of food, wine and videotapes of sexy ladies in high heels crushing cockroaches.

The chefs will have to cater this bug-stomping jamboree and will be preparing dishes for 150 guests using only local ingredients. One dish will have to be “vegetarian,” (NOTE: “vegetarian” not “vegan”) and one will have to feature a local protein.

Since vegetarian dishes never have protein?

(I know, I know. I don’t know shit about the nuances of the culinary language here. But don’t eggs and beans and some tofu have protein? Why not say “meat or fish” instead of “protein?” I wonder about these things.)

The chefs head to the local, non-corporate sponsor market (at last!) and start picking their ingredients. There, while most of them quickly make their selections, Jennifer agonizes over what to choose for her protein. It seems she’s having a tough time picking just one thing. In the end, she picks duck.

Meanwhile, Michael has decided to pick out a few dozen eggs for his vegetarian (not vegan) dish. More on this later.

The chefs take their ingredients to the kitchen at the Night Train Express Winery and begin cooking. There, Bryan says he is stoked by the fact that the kitchen even has a wood-burning oven, something he feels is “awesome.”

As the cooking proceeds, Michael lists all the things he has to get done. He has to buy it, use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it. Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it, snap it, work it, quick - erase it.

Daft Punk - Technologic

Basically, it’s a lot of work.

Cooking continues and both Bryan and Kevin tell us that they’re big on cooking with local ingredients like this and think they’ll have an edge over Michael, who is more into that whole molecular thing.

Michael, again, tells us about some “sibling rivalry” we’re supposed to know about.

And Tom arrives for his walk-around. He learns that Kevin will be facing a time constraint with his proposed brisket. And for her protein dish, Jennifer will be serving “duck all over the plate.”

Tom finds this “awesome.”

Bryan will be making two dishes, each which seems to have 36 ingredients. And Michael’s going to work his complicated magic with eggs.

A bit later, Jennifer makes the unfortunate discovery that the wood-burning oven isn’t as warm as it should be and she’s going to have to ditch the idea of grilling the duck and will instead confit the bird.

Kevin’s brisket is still kind of tough. Michael’s worried about his eggs. And I sit and stare at the set wondering how the fuck I can make this shit funny.

Finally it’s time to get a-crushin’.

The chefs set up their tables and we see Michael stressing over his eggs. Will they work out? What ever will he do if they don’t? We wait with bated breath as he cracks the first one and … and … it’s OK.

Wow. I really don’t know how my heart survived that.

The guests begin to arrive. The chefs start to serve and the judges arrive. We have Tom, Gail, Michael Chairello, Padma and her kicky boots.

First up, Bryan and his two dishes, one a ravioli and the other fig-glazed short ribs offering.

Everyone seems to like them both, but they also agree that they are both a tad under-seasoned.

Next is Michael. He serves up his vegetarian dish, a vegetable pistou with a 63 degree egg, and his protein dish, a turnip soup with foie gras that looks like pear and a pear that looks like a turnip. As expected, it’s very conceptual.

The judges like both dishes, but think the vegetables are cut too small and the egg is a tad overpowering to its dish. Chiarello starts talking about the “finish in my mouth” and my mind wanders someplace else.

Serving third is Kevin, who tells us how he’s as focused on serving the guests as he is the judges. I don’t see what the hell this means in contrast to everyone else, but there it is. He presents his dishes to the judges. First is his vegetarian dish, a simple serving of beets and notorious prop comic Carrot Top. His protein dish is a grass-fed beef brisket atop a pumpkin polenta.

Gail adores the colors of the vegetarian dish. But, while they love the polenta, the judges feel the beef is a tad “rope-y.”

Lastly, it’s time for Jennifer’s offerings. She has as her vegetarian dish, a serving of chevre mousse with honey, mushrooms and braised radishes. And for her protein, she has a “whole duck,” some braised duck legs with a confit of duck breast and a squash purée.

She says that her dish is “nice and unctuous,” which she says is good for a woman in Padma’s condition. I take that to mean it will help those gawdawful bangs to grow out quickly.

The judges react quickly and strongly to the vegetarian dish, saying that it is very salty for some reason. And everyone loves the duck, noting that it is “very ducky.”

Ducky.

We hear the guests all raving over each of the chef’s dishes. We hear Michael do his usual cocky “I’m thinking I’ve got this in the bag” routine. And before you know it, it’s time for …

Fakeout scene!

The four chefs arrive in the bowels of the Franzia winery for a quick infomercial. Jennifer, who you may recall weeks ago was having a touch of morning sickness, says she shouldn’t be drinking. This, I think, isn’t helping dissuade us from the usual conclusion.

She drinks anyway.

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

Padma and The Peekaboo Cutouts (a great band name if I ever heard one) call up all four chefs before the judges.

They’re each praised for their incredible work both throughout the season and in this week’s challenge.

Kevin is lauded for daring to make a simple, yet elegant dish. (Quick shot of Michael. Make a face Michael! What? No poutyface? Hmph. Moving on.) And then the judges ask about the meat’s texture.

Kevin beats them to the punch, saying he knew his meat has a “toothsome” quality. We hear later that he said that preemptively.

toothsome |ˈtoōθsəm|
adjective
(of food) temptingly tasty : a toothsome morsel.
informal (of a person) good-looking; attractive.

 The beardy one has wiles we had not yet seen! Kudos on the strategy.

When they question Bryan, it’s more of the same critique. They’re not overly enthusiastic in their praise of the two dishes and do say they could have stood more seasoning. But, overall, they liked it.

When Michael is questioned, he remarks how he was challenged by not having his many molecular “tricks” at his disposal. Padma complains again about the egg in the vegetarian dish. And, for the most part, the pear/fois gras dish was a hit.

They question Jennifer last. The judges universally love both dishes, but, again, remark that the vegetarian dish was too salty. Chairello asks if she used the flake salt. When she says she did, he says how he’s had problems with that too, since it would sometimes take a while to dissolve and, when it does, it makes a dish too salty.

She winces.

They say that they loved the duck dish, but Tom then asks about why something she said she was going to do when he did his walk-around (the grilled breasts) didn’t make it to the table. She explains the problem with the oven not being hot enough, which led her to do the confit instead.

Tom asks that which way would she have preferred  to serve it. She says she would have preferred to serve the duck breast grilled, as she has originally intended.

Later, we see the (I think) unprecedented discussion where it seems Jennifer’s being penalized for not something that was on the plate, but rather for something Tom witnessed before service.

He says that in the kitchen Jennifer seemed unfocused.

I wince.

After the chefs are sent back to the anteroom, the judges do their usual discussion. And while the discussion ensues, the chefs comment on how the judges had good and bad things to say about each of them.

Finally, the four finalists are called back in.

A quick recap later, Chairello names the winner of the challenge … Bryan.

A stunner.

He smiles and emits an uncomfortable Kendra-From-The-Girls-Next-Door laugh.

Who knew he had it in him?

 Also now we know why he never laughs.

Then it’s time for the bad news. No matter which way it goes, an exceptionally talented chef is leaving. The three remaining chefs’ dishes’ flaws are called out (and Jennifer is criticized for having let the fire die down in the oven, which resulted in the duck-switcheroo). Finally, it’s doom time.

Pads, do the honors.

“Jennifer … please pack your knives and go.”


Ugh. Well, I can’t say I didn’t see it coming weeks ago. Still, it sucks duck eggs.

Poor Jennifer. Done in by her breasts.

Next time on Top Chef: The winner is named. A guy wins it.