Top Chef Texas: Key Party

January 25, 2012


Previously on Top Chef:  The chefs really brought the goods (and the movie-themed product placement) in cooking a "wicked" dish for Charlize Theron. Everyone made excellent food, but they sent home Beverly anyway. Then, in Redemption Kitchen, she beat Nyseha and came closer to actually coming back.

You know how I said last week  something big was happening? Well, it involves moving my entire life thousands of miles, et al. It's a good thing. But it takes priority over this lil' ole' blog.


And it's a good thing it happens this week because ...


This week, we all fell asleep.

What happened?

• With Beverly gone, we didn't have the chefs beating up on anyone.

• Most of the six remaining chefs were unable to foresee that, having a challenge sponsored by a purportedly healthy frozen food company, they'd be asked to make healthier food than usual.

• Chris, The Rubber Band Man, was as annoying as ever and was frightened by bees.

• Grayson said "awesome" another 12 times.

• Sarah didn't want to compete against her fellow mean girl, Lindsey.

• Lindsey made better meatballs, which put Sarah The Entitled at risk.

• Sarah The Entitled felt she was nearly eliminated because she didn't know that guest judge Cat Cora doesn't care for tarragon.

• Edward was slightly less dickish this week and was happy to go up against his friend, Paul, since he wants to beat the best.

• Paul overcame his Beverly moment in the Quickfire (he missed getting a necessary ingredient on the plate by seconds) and won his umpty--umpth challenge. This means that he, of course, is guaranteed not to win the entire clam bake when this is all over.

• And Chris was finally voted off the island. (Seriously, I haven't wished someone would hold a chef down and clipper off all his hair since ... well, you know.)

And over in  ...

Redemption Kitchen

Chris arrives at the Casa Cuisine and doesn't understand Tom's letter about meeting him in "the kitchen." So, he stands around the house's kitchen talking to the bric-a-brac like someone who thinks he's funny ... but really, really, really isn't. (Well, he may be funnier than Tom tries to be, but botulism is funnier than Tom, so that's not saying much.)

Finally, when he lays off the stupid juice, he arrives in the Darkened Kitchen Of Recycled Quickfires and sees Beverly, last week's Nyseha-dethroner. We get another obligatory, "Hey, do you all still hate Beverly?" from Tom and the challenge commences. This one is another retread involving a mystery box that appears every few minutes. They'll each have to prepare a dish using each of these ingredients.

Mostly, it serves to force me to look at Horrible Heather's Horrible Mug again.

When it's all done, Beverly has the better dish and is only one chef away from re-entering the competition. 

Which should be exciting. Unless it's the next-eliminated chef who gets to come back.

In which case, it'll be as boring as this last episode.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs will have to beg, borrow and steal ingredients from people in Central Park who will have to be their muses for the next challenge. (Did I mention I don't have the wherewithal to pay attention to things too closely this week?)

Top Chef Texas: Something Co-Branded This Way Comes

January 18. 2012

Previously on Top Chef:  The chefs did the usual restaurant wars thing. After being divided into men vs. women, the usual bickerfest and service-related drama took place. The women won, Beverly got the nod for best work, to the consternation of Sarah and Lindsey. The men lost and the photoriffic My Ty-Lör went off to be knocked off in the Redemption Kitchen by Nyesha.

You know how I usually whine about other stuff I got going? Well, this time it involves a (positive) major life event involving pulling up stakes and moving far, far away. And, as these things take many weeks, it will likely adversely affect my blogging the rest of the season.  So, please forgive.


So, we left this with Sarah being a complete loon to Beverly's face about how the previous week's challenge went and how she thought that Lindsey should have been the winner for some insane reason. I thought I'd give the woman the benefit of the doubt, thinking that perhaps it had to do with her decision to hide the kitchen from the judges (something the men didn't do, to their peril). But, nooooo. She just thought that Lindsey deserved the hosannas for having "held the team together." As if.

Which means that both Sarah and Lindsey are on my list of chefs I most want to see lose. Which means they won't.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs are confronted with a bizarre baggage carousel-like conveyor belt challenge where odd food items appear and disappear on the food-go-round. They can grab the crappy stuff that comes out first and have more time to prepare their dishes or they can wait for the "good" stuff and lose valuable time. This only works as comedy in that you get to see Chris the Slobtacular lose some lobsters on the carousel twice before snatching them at the last second. Not that it helped him win the challenge or anything.

But the drama is really seeing Beverly freak out when at the last second she realizes that she's forgotten to put one of her mandatory three ingredients on the plate, despite its being ready. And, to add insult to injury, Padma and guest judge Eric The Ripper tell her that, had she managed that one extra thing, she would have won the challenge (and immunity) "by a mile."

So, a mile behind is Lindsey's dish, which earns her the backhanded victory. Golf claps all around.

Elimination Challenge

  For the elimination challenge, Padma introduces Oscar winner Charlize Theron, who is starring in ABC's Once Upon A Time as the evil queen terrorizing Snow White. (I think that's what it was. They didn't really say. Odd, that.) And for the challenge, the chefs will have to create a gothic dish themed to appropriately promote the entertainment vehicle.

The chefs rush off to the Quick Check for supplies, and we get footage of Beverly being goofy and banging into things. All that's missing is a Lucy Carmichael-esque scene of her pulling the bottom grapefruit off a pyramid of fruit and having them all come crashing down onto a frustrated Mr. Mooney.

At the Casa Cuisine (Mini San Antonio Edition, not to be confused with energy sucking Mega McMansion Edition, which I'd bet ya is the sequester house for the eliminated chefs), the chefs sit around and Paul tells everyone to play nice the following day. It's clear that this is everyone's "subtle" way of telling Beverly not to stomp over everyone in her way in the kitchen.

Cut to Beverly nodding at this with seemingly no idea that this entire conversation is being directed at her. (Or so, the edit would suggest.)

Come time to dine, we learn a few things.

• Charlize is really looking forward to her characterization of Elphaba in this upcoming screened version of Wicked.

• Tom has the most awful sense of humor. I mean, it's so bad, I wanted to break the screen. I suspect he thinks he slays with knock-knock jokes and witty puns.

• Grayson takes things really literally. And she has a pretty damn dark sense of things for someone who says "awesome" every six words.

• If I hear the gang promote this NBC series Grimm (that's what they were promoting, right?) one more time, I'm gonna have more than a chicken claw to hang from the chandelier.

• And Sarah should really reexamine how she makes risotto if every judge who's tasted hers has suggested it's not cooked properly.

In the end, all the chefs are praised immensely for their macabre dishes, and we really can't see how they'd eliminate anyone. Tom, of course, thinks it will be "fun" to nitpick the small details to make someone lose out for some beyond subtle, ultra-subjective reason.

So, Beverly is sent packing. Sob.

Redemption Kitchen

Land-a-goshen, who'da thunk that this webby extra would be host to the most entertaining thing of the entire season. It's actually raising my expectations for the OMG faces on the finalists when they see Tom come in and re-introduce the series' winner to the contest.

Unless it's the one last eliminated chef, in which case it'll be as much a snoozefest as I had expected at the onset.

In any case, Dopey Beverly goes up against Nyseha. Tom reveals to Bev that her challenger has eliminated more than half (?) of the competition at this stage. And Heather the Talking Wildebeest has to get in the first dig, joining about everyone else predicting that Nyesha will take down Beverly in short order.

As for the challenge, the two will be cooking a fish and they are led to believe that the twist is that they'll each only get one pass at the pantry to collect all the ingredients and equipment they'll need for their dish.

But ... surprise! A couple minutes in, Doughy Tom jogs into the kitchen (he really needs to jog more) and announces that the two are to immediately swap stations and cook with what the other has picked out.

This does not please Nyesha one. little. bit.

Hey, I was on her side for most of this season. But our gal is seriously competitive and didn't gain points with me for downplaying Bev's chances. (Not to mention her strange grudge against Ty-Lör, which, interviews suggest, he had no clue about.)

So, after the usual whining about having to use Asian ingredients, Nyesha makes her fine dish. (What is it with this series and people complaining about other people always cooking Asian dishes? That may have surpassed "I am not a pastry chef" as the most overplayed tune of the series.)

And, as time counts down, the members of the Nyseha Cheer Squad start to lose their shit when they see that with seemingly seconds left, Beverly still hadn't touched her fish. Still, somehow, she manages to get it done just as time expires.

Come time for Man Of Mirth, Tom, to judge, he loves both dishes, but cheerfully nitpicks to pick a winner. And, based on the level of seasoning alone, the win goes to ... Beverly!

The cast is clearly overjoyed.

And Beverly doesn't seem to get it.

Same as it ever was.

Next time on Top Chef: We get a visit from British Indie Rock band Bloc Party. (I mean, what else could the episode name mean?) And the chefs face off head-to-head, which gives mean girls Sarah and Lindsey a case of the sadz. Frowny face.

Top Chef Texas: Restaurant Spats

January 11, 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were tortured for the second time this season by being made to stay up all night on the theory that barbecue can only be accomplished if the food's preparers are seeing double by the time it's served. Sarah wound up going to the hospital suffering from heat exhaustion at one point and nearly went home. And, in the end, Chris The Pretty was sent packing for having misused a sugary soda drink and making an "inedible" sauce.

Hey all. You know how each season's Restaurant Wars episode is supposed to be the most anticipated episode each season? Well, around this household the opposite is true. Mostly because it always ends up with one (or sometimes, two) teams screwing things up royally since, oh, I don't know, because it's insane to suggest anyone can realistically take a restaurant from concept to execution in five hours and deliver great service and great food. We are always treated to Padma and Tom complaining about not being greeted or served and most every time we lose a pretty decent chef before his or her time.


And for some reason, Tom seems proud of this fact.


So, not only do we not get any later-that-evening footage of people moaning that they're down one more chef, nor do we get shots of the chefs in various states of undress the next morning, but this time we don't even get a Quickfire Challenge.

Nope, this week, the chefs walk right into an empty space where Grayson properly guesses that it's time for the Restaurant Wars ...

Elimination Challenge

And this time it's ... a battle of the sexes!

It's a very cutting edge concept.

Hence, we have Ty-Lör, Paul, Edward and "Chef Phil McCracken" (aka Chris) facing off against Beverly, Sarah, Lindsay and Grayson, Queen Of "Awesome."

What this means is that the forced storyline of Edward The Dickish vs. Sarah The SuperTexan will have to take a back seat this week while we develop "whole. new. rivalries," or so promised the Bravo production squad.

So, within seconds of the challenge being announced, we jump right into said new rivalry. And we discover that now that HeatherHag's gone, her bestie, Sarah has absorbed her douchey energy and is going full-bore at Beverly. Even accounting for the new villain edit, it's pretty clear that, once again, Beverly is making attempts to put forth her ideas for her contribution to a team challenge and Sarah and Lindsey are shooting them down one by one.

At one point, Bev, perhaps a mite passive-agressively, complains that she has to do something, and Sarah turns on the charm. And by "charm" we mean she starts speaking to Beverly like she was a slow third-grader having trouble understanding what the time-out corner means.

It lasts all episode.

Meanwhile, the annual Top Chef Restaurant Wars Goofus vs. Gallant hijinks ensue.

The men are seen convivially collaborating to deliver a great experience with their restaurant, curiously named Canteen. And the women are seen bickering with each other (read: telling Beverly to finish all her veggies or she won't get to stay up and watch iCarly). Oh, and their restaurant will be called Half Bushel because that's what's Lindsey wants and you'll like it, missie!


They shop and Edward manages to get a few nasty digs in at the women in interviews. Finally, it's night one and the men, having lost the coin flip, will be serving first. Edward, who has experience running restaurants for collections of blurry-faced patrons before, will be handling the front-of-house duties.

The patrons arrive and the judges follow close behind. At first, service seems to be going well. But we quickly see that the provided servers (who all are conveniently incompetent for your amusement) start a domino effect of crisis in the kitchen. First, Ty-Lör jumps out from the kitchen to expedite. Later, Paul does the same.

The judges, of course, see this all and are generally pleased with themselves that they've managed to "throw them in the deep end," meaning "effectively set them up to fail so perfectly." Oh, and the food's just fair, if the judges' table-side comments are to be believed.

As part of this "battle of the sexes" twist, this time the opposing team gets to experience their competitors' restaurant as patrons. In this case, we simply learn that when she's not in uniform, Our Dear Grayson is, shall we say "sartorially challenged"?

Once that's over, they all head back to Casa Cuisine (Austin Branch) and the men bemoan how badly they did and hope that the women screw up even worse.

The next night it's the women's team, and Sarah is in rare form. She whines about Beverly and ShrimpGate (again, channeling The Hag) and even tosses a few snide comments Grayson's way for kicks.

Lindsey, meanwhile, will be running the front of the house in her best beige schmata. And, since she won't be able to prepare her own fish dish, she'll (reluctantly) have to have that awful Beverly do it for her on account of Beverly being a total goldbrick and only doing one dish ... as if she can be trusted to even do that right.

Lindsey's thought bubble:  Honestly, why didn't we give that one up for adoption again, Sarah? I forget.

Beverly tells us that the way Lindsey wants her fish prepared isn't the way she'd do it, but, since it's not her dish she'll do her best to follow Lindsey's perfect instructions with the few brain cells she has.

Come time for service, we see the usual service crisis footage with Tom and Padma having to cool their heels while Lindsey is back in the kitchen preparing a dunce cap and stool for Beverly. Eventually, Linds arrives and lazily points the judges at their table before disappearing again to go back into the kitchen to help Sarah smack Beverly's knuckles with a ruler.

Service concludes and it's time for the long knives. Anticipating being on the losing end of things, Sarah and Lindsey continue their Mean Girls bit and go so far as to try to take credit for Beverly's dish (which was a hit), since everyone knows that Beverly couldn't find her mouth with a spoon without their help.

Finally, Beverly does manage to fight back for once, calmly pointing out that she came up with each of the dish's elements on her own, thank you very much.

And, as luck (and the Bravo Magical Elves) would have it, once at ...

Judges' Table

... the women win and it's Beverly who's awarded the prize of the night's top dish.

This, naturally, galls Sarah and Lindsey soooo much that, once back in the kitchen, Sarah suggests that they all bow down and kiss Linsey's feet for actually having been responsible for the win. (If I have to concoct a way that that makes a lick of sense, I can only imagine that she was suggesting that Lindsey deserves credit for, unlike the men's team, having had the foresight to hide the kitchen from the judges' view so they couldn't see the raging bitchfest that was happening back there.)

So, then it's time for the men to take their lumps.

Chef Seymour Butz (aka Chris) gets it for not having done more than make one dish, one which got mixed reviews. The rest get slammed for less-than-stellar food and for the visible crisis in the kitchen. But, in the end, it's My Ty who get's kicked to the curb.

I haz the sadz.

Redemption Kitchen

Ty-Lör, newly shaved (boo!) arrives back at Casa Cuisine (San Antonio Edition), and there on his already-packed suitcase is the no-longer-shocking letter from Tom. He heads to the Kitchen O'Logos and sees Nyseha there waiting to face off against him.

And this is where The Big Whaaaaa? happens. It seems that not only does Nyesha have a justified grudge against The Gorgon Heather for how she acted, but she is also harboring a serious resentment of Ty-Lör for some unknown reason. (We see a clip of him having said some random thing much, much earlier, but not only does it seem mild, it's not even clear if it's directed at her.)

The two will have to make a dessert and will have to pick from The Peanut Gallery for a sous chef who will either help them or conceptualize the dish for them, depending whom they pick.

Here is where Nyesha proves herself a serious reality show competitor. See, she doesn't just want to win by picking the best colleague. She wants to make it hard for Ty-Lör. Hence, she picks Hag because, not only is she a pastry chef, she's Ty-Lör's friend and Nyesha knew he would have picked her first, if he had had the chance.

Ty is flummoxed by this but soldiers on, picking Pretty Chris as his helper.

The guys work on Ty's dessert idea while Heather all but takes over entirely for Nyesha and conceptualizes the entire dish. Nyesha helps Heather ably.

When Tom finishes tasting both dishes, he admits that they were both pretty amazing. But the winner will be ... Nysesha who is one step closer to being eliminated by another chef just shy of returning to the competition. And won't that make for dramatic Internet-only television?

Next time on Top Chef: Charlize Theron wants to eat a still-beating heart. Or at least, I think that's what she said.

Top Chef Texas: It's The Pits!

January 4, 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs migrated to Austin from the horribleness of Dallas, we got a visit from crazy Patti Labelle's wig collection and, at long last, we were rid of Heather the Horrible. So it was a good day.

We're back, dear reader. And while I still love the show, I have to say that this episode really irritated me. And not just because I have a new most-disliked chef. Aside from the nausea-inducing infomercial mid-episode and the heavily edited audio designed to jazz up the storyline of a new rivalry (Sarah v. Edward), the critiques of the bottom teams were edited to be as ridiculously harsh as the diners' and judges' reactions were edited to sound effusive earlier in the same episode. Phooey.


We start with the chefs back at Casa Cuisine (Austin Campus) drinking beer dispensed by their energy-efficient Kelvinator™ refrigerator and lamenting the loss of Hellbeast Heather. (Well, Sarah lamented the loss of Heather. PluckyAsianNerdChef Beverly, not so much.)

And, kicking off our new storyline, we have Edward mention to the chefs what he's told us repeatedly already, that Heather was on the winning side of two challenges by using his cake recipe. Naturally, this makes Sarah fume for some inane reality show reason involving Heather not being there to defend herself.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door! Why, it's a stranger bearing gifts! The Trojan Cart bears a 32-volume collection of expensive picture books and a message that they are to study the lusty photographs of architectural food for a leg-up on the morning's ...

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive at the Non-Monogramed Kitchen to meet Padma and the Box O' Coffee Table Books' Author. And, as telegraphed, we see that the chefs will have to make dishes inspired by the Big Book Of Food Pics movement. We learn that this involves not only fancy molecular gastronomy chemical gimmicks, but also a degree of precision and actual innovation.

Samurai Chef Chris (and part time Pregnant Man Thomas Beatie impersonator) predicts that he's going to rock this since at his restaurant in Chicago -- the one he has to name-check at least once per episode -- he does this kind of thing all the time. Oh, and also, he came prepared for this, having brought with him a gimmicky "magic bean" for just this kind of challenge. Meanwhile, my personal übercrush, the, er, photogenic (?) Ty-Lör thinks he'll be able to distinguish himself with a simple watermelon offering, dished up with a magical powder which turns into olive oil when it hits your tongue.

(No, I will not make a joke about tonguing Ty. I will not. I'm classy like that.)

When comes time for the tasting, Beverly, who was up studying the Culinary Architectural Digest all night, goes to present her dish. But when she goes to foam things up (a procedure known as Marceling the Plate), she ends up spraying her foamy goodness all over Padma's Target-designed dress and the guest judge's pleated pants. It's sad, really, and all the other chefs laugh uncomfortably at her.

When they get to Samurai Chris's table, he presents his every-trick-in-the-book banquet. This involves the two taking a red "magic bean," one which Chris explains patronizingly, only to be met by the even more patronizing guest judge saying he grows them in his back yard. Basically, the "pill" alters the taste buds so that a bite of lemon tastes sweet, makes plain soda water and lime taste sweet ... and reconstructs a deconstructed cheesecake?

Anyhoo, the cookbook shiller isn't crazy about the dishes from Paul and Grayson and he didn't take a shine to being sprayed Big Brother-style by Bev.

But he did like Pretty Chris' offering as well as Ty's watermelon and (groan) Cracky Chris Magorium's Wonder Emporium. But the winner of the challenge (and immunity) is ... My Ty! Yay!

Now for the ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs are told that they'll have to divide themselves into three groups of three. And, in these teams, they'll have to create a massive barbecue feast for 300 diners involving beef, pork, chicken, two sides, a fresh sprig of cilantro, hákarl, a Lincoln Navigator and a partridge in a pear tree.

The teams work out thusly:

• Team Blue: Paul, Lindsay, Grayson

• Team Red: Edward, Sarah, Ty-Lör

• Team White: Beverly, Chris C., Chris J.

We get another chapter in the Sarah v. Edward nonsense when the teams are being chosen and we hear Sarah say that she "doesn't trust" Edward, but will be on his team anyway. (Can you see my eye-roll from here?)

The chefs rush off to the Piggly Wiggly and Foodstuffs Foodstop where we they pick up their proteins, vegetables and a Bartlett's Guidebook of New Snide Remarks for Edward. (In chapter three of this crap, we have him remarking how Sarah, who started as a member of the cast's huge Chicago Mafia this season has now fully transformed into True Texas Gal.)

Later, Sarah, our ostensible True Texas Tessie, enthuses about the 100-year-old barbecue establishment where they will be cooking. (Cue pics of the lass' chef boyfriend dreaming of getting to eat at said 100-year-old barbecue establishment.)

They all arrive at the barbecue joint and are given tours of the sweaty pits. The pony-tailed proprietor jokes (?) that their tears will be the necessary final ingredient to their dishes and leads them all out to their Trojan Vibrating Touch Wagons!

"Wow! Is that what I think it is?" asks Grayson.

"Yeah, the little personal massager that fits on the tip of your finger!" says Sarah. "And it converts into a fully-equipped station wagon, capable of hauling lumber, reality show contestants and bringing you to new heights of ecstasy in minutes!"

"And it comes in this awesome little bag!" adds Grayson.

Soon, the chefs are starting their marathon all-night cooking session (their second of the season). We have a "crisis" at the middle-of-the-night time of 3 p.m. (at least according to the on-screen chyron) where Team Blue's meat falls off the racks in the smoker. We have footage of Pretty Chris phallically peeling carrots. And we have the "crisis" of Beverly setting fire to a pot of bourbon and starting the famous wildfires which raged across Texas all summer.

Somewhere along the line, we see Pretty Chris discuss his contribution to the dinner, a not-at-all-suspiciouly-product-placed Crystal Pepsi barbecue marinade. We also find out that the vocal admirer of sexy men and sexy women, at least artistically, favors naked women. He must also have a great love of pastry since at home he likes to make paintings of pie.

As the sun is rising and the temperatures approach a toasty 350º in the shade, Sarah seeks help from a medic and has to be removed for her own health. Lindsey and Ty-Lör prove they are decent human beings and express concern for her. Edward, though, is more concerned with how this is going to affect his showing. (Here is where the editing seems to really seem to take what was probably overly competitive talk about how he toughs stuff out -- having bled out while cooking though an earlier challenge --- and turns it into what sounds like really monstrous chatter about Sarah's condition.)

The Red Team scrambles to make do with two chefs as the diners arrive. And, just as the judges are to get there, Sarah appears back on the scene. Again, Ty expresses concern and Edward acts like a dick towards her, even if her appearance and eventual disappearance do seem suspect.

Oh, a note about the diners. Among the 300 diners, I thankfully did not see a single cowboy hat. Maybe those nice things I heard about Austin are true after all.

Anyway, the diners and the judges are heard saying great things about the offerings from the Red and White teams and less-than-wonderful things about Team Blue. So, when Padma arrives and calls up Team Blue, it seems so. very. shocking.

So, Team Blue wins. The other two are on the block and the dishes which a moment ago were great are now deemed "inedible."

And Pretty Chris gets the knife.

Sadness.

And that was without even getting into Slobby Chris' idiotic "I Eat Vegans" t-shirt.

Redemption Kitchen

Back in San Antonio. Surprise. Chris versus Nyseha. Tom loses a syllable from Nyesha's name. The chefs cook using ingredients from a gas station. We get another ad for the sponsormobile. I am subjected to Horrible Heather's voice again. And Nyseha lives to battle another day.

Next time on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars. Men versus women. Lots of bickering. Whee.

Top Chef Texas: It's Patti, Austin (Or, It's Austin, Patti)

December 21, 2011

Previously on Top Chef:  The chefs had to prepare a dish of wild game for the judges. Edward and Ty-Lör rose to the occasion and delivered a winning dish. Heather proved she's a horrible person and lambasted her partner, Beverly, for no good reason, even risking her own elimination. But in the end it was Dakota and Nyesha who were sent packing in a double elimination.

Hey there. Perchance you noticed this holiday the other day. It involved a tree and 1,001 renditions of "Little Drummer Boy" and "Frosty The Snowman"? Well, that. And since (if I'm reading the schedule properly) the show's a rerun this week, I figured an insanely late blog is better than none at all.


Unless it's not.


Since this episode is well past the leftovers state, you obviously know what happened. Heather The Horrible finally got her comeuppance, much to the delight of everyone not in her immediate family.

But to refresh your memory, here's a brief look back.

After the last elimination, still in 350º Dallas, Padma walks back to the chefs and scares them. They think that they'll have to cook again right away. Instead she tells them that they get to leave the (expletive deleted) place that is Dallas for less gawdawful Austin. Hearing this, Paul feels he has to really deliver, since he's from there.

Once at their new digs, the chefs think the place could pass for the Governor's Residence. But it couldn't be, since it's missing cabinets full of Ambien and maple syrup.

Quickfire Challenge 

At the un-Monogrammed Cordon Bleu kitchen, Padma and Tom tell the chefs about this week's cockamamie challenge. In an attempt to shoehorn Bravo's Twitter obsession into the Texas motif, Padma explains that the mircoblogging service gained traction at the SXSW Festival there a few years back. (Forget the fact that it's based in San Francisco. Bravo really, really, really need you to Twitter with them. They also are really interested in pictures of your last meal, purchase and manicure. Tweet them directly to @bravoandy. Do it now. Do it daily. Hourly, even. He'll appreciate it.)

The (idiotic) premise is that the show's followers will tweet half-baked ideas for the challenge, Tom and Padma will pick the one they were going to use anyway. Halfway through, they'll pretend to pick another one to act as a twist. And then, a few minutes later, they'll actually chose one that, since it was chosen on the fly, won't work since the producers won't have time to set it up properly.

Hence, we have the chefs making bacon dishes with a hash and an ingredient that they were handed by another chef (or, in Samurai Chris' case, grabbed off another chef's station just because).

When it's all over, Paul gets his bragging rights, having won the first challenge in his hometown.

Elimination Challenge 

Padma tells the chefs to get some drinks at their hotel bar where, if any of them have a lick of sense, they know there'll be a "surprise" announcement. While they wait, Heather cozies up to (newly monikered) "Malibu" Chris and gives everyone a major case of the heebie jeebies, not least of all Chris himself.

The "surprise" occurs when the bar pianist introduces legendary insane diva Patti Labelle and one of her expensive wigs. As LaBelle proceeds to make mincemeat of "Lady Marmalade," Sarah gets overcome with emotion and Grayson has a look on her face which, unmistakably reads, "I don't have the first idea who this woman is."

Blogger's aside: OK, I could go on about what happened after this. I could tell you how plucky Beverly nearly pulled out a win, how "Yes, We Have Heard How You're Originally From Texas" Sarah won and how Heather and her Hair Flower both got sent off to Redemption Kitchen to be sliced and diced by Nyesha there. But, I'd rather go on about Miss Patti.


Now, you do know this woman's totally bonkers, right? I mean, when she's not hanging with Oprah,  having her bodyguards assault and injure a returned veteran for standing too close to her luggage (and then posing for pictures with the reporting officers afterwards), throwing water at infants or refusing to even be in the presence of one of her own dogs for months at a time. 


The woman's been in the public eye for nearly 50 years now, so she's clearly keenly aware when there are cameras pointed in her direction and she exhibits a level of control which should be studied by new celebrities for decades to come. But it barely masks the fact that you can tell that the moment the lights and microphones are packed away, she's itching to revert to form like her scalp is itching to be set free from the wig collection.


So, a few years back the husband and I found ourselves attending this big R&B festival in Cincinnati. And, as in most years, she was one of the featured singers. Being something of a fan (not a big fan, but a fan), I was enthused to see her perform. The rest of the stadium didn't seem quite so jazzed about it. I can only assume it's because they'd seen her schtick many times before.


Throughout her 45-minute set, she repeatedly iterated her OneTouch Ultra™commercial mantra "I have diabetes, but it doesn't have me!" The then-62 year-old woman went again to the menopause-is-funny well by over and over (and over) again saying how she was having hot flashes. Not being the owner of a female body, I'd hate to presume. But I have to think that if she was saying this same shit back in the '90s, one should assume that something's seriously wrong if she's still not completed "the change" 15 years later.


And, at least four years into the age of iTunes, she saw it necessary to, mid-song, say -- and sing -- entreaties to "don't download" her songs. In fact, it's so that every time one of her songs comes up in  musical rotation at home, it's a requirement here that one of us command the other, "Don't download!"


Lastly, in what even I know is a tradition at all her concerts, Miss Patti tried to get selected members of the audience to come onstage to sing and dance the show closer, "Lady Marmalade," with her. But when concert security decided to cross the woman and wouldn't let people on stage, the ... claws ... came ... out. I'll be damned if she didn't pitch the diva fit and threaten to shut down the entire daylong music festival if she didn't get to bring them on stage.


And that's the Miss Patti that I just know is hiding behind the frozen smile and gentle plugs for her diabetes cookbook.

Other Notes

• "Malibu" Chris: OK, you know how I've been saying how the man's been trying to tell us he's (at least) bi all season? And how everyone is now calling him this because of his obsession with his hair care? And how uncomfortable he looked being sandwiched by the lady chefs in the bar (even if one of them was the detestable Heather)? Well, when Ty-Lör points out that Miss Patti's toenails were painted to match Padma's dress, who was the only other person who had noticed that?

• Paul: Dude became a chef after being a weed dealer for all his friends. And here I thought that the weed thing came after entering the culinary world.

• Samurai Chris: Is is possible he's becoming even more slovenly? And can I get some brain bleach to clean off the memory of seieng his ass crack?

Next time on Top Chef: Who knows? If it's Austin, I'm guessing it involves Willie Nelson and a pot brownie challenge. 

Top Chef Texas: Game Called On Account Of Tequila

December 14, 2011




Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were challenged to cater a dinner for 1,000 fashion victims with a thing for red meat and wearing outdoor headgear indoors. Everyone was tremendously underwhelmed. Ty-Lör was nearly de-digitized and nearly eliminated. And Poor Whitney was sent to Redemption Kitchen for making undercooked potatoes au gratin.

Gentle reader,

Things are far too busy for a proper blog this week. So sorry about that. If you only knew.

So here's the 60-second recap.

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa ... Tequila!

Non-Samurai Chris emerges from the shadows and nearly wins. But the Quickfire win goes to Mi Ty-Lör. Yay!

Next, you'll be cooking wild game for a bunch of famous chefs.

Surprise! You'll be in teams!

Surprise! You'll be paired with the person on your side! Yes, this means that Big Ole' Bully Heather will be paired with Poor Beverly. Drama ensues.

Surprise! The chefs themselves will have to pick the three teams with the worst plates to send before the judges for elimination! More drama.

Samurai Chris convinces his teammate Grayson that he can make a cool garnish with sweet potatoes. He can't. She's pissed. He seems determined to broadcast his mistake to anyone who'll listen. She's not keen on this, since she'd be going home too. (Message: Grayson has a working brain stem.)

Ty-Lör and teammate Edward fire on all cylinders and win the challenge and redemption. Yay!

Total Bitchface Heather thinks it's better that she harangue Beverly over what happened last week (you know, when she spent a long time making shrimp that was just fine and didn't endanger Heather at all) as an excuse for making a dish which showed how poorly she works with her teammate. Even if it means they'd both go home as a result. (Message: Heather does not have a working brain stem. ... Or a neck.)

Dakota somehow undercooks her venison and, despite it not tasting that awful, it gets her (and her rather blameless teammate, Nyesha) sent home.

Sadness. For the talented two. And for me having to see that awful Heather for another week.

Redemption Kitchen

In true Survivor rip-off style, we get a three-person "duel," a contradiction in terms. Poor Whitney faces off against Dakota and Nyesha to make something or other. Again, I'm lost as to the Dallas/San Antonio/why are the eliminated chefs all wearing the clothes they wore last week? situation.

Nyesha wins. Happiness.

Except we can assume that she won't defeat every future eliminated chef.

Next time on Top Chef: We leave awful Dallas for Texas' one supposedly redeeming place, Austin. Something happens. And I hope it involves Heather being run over by a herd of buffalo (aka Heather impersonators).

Top Chef Texas: Steers And Jeers

December 7, 2011




Last time on Top Chef:  The chefs moved en masse from San Antonio to Dallas, pretended to be surprised by a traffic cop, moved into their new digs and later had to make food for a bunch of horrible people who seemed to really be wishing they could be the cast of some other dreadful Real Housewives spin-off. When it was all over, Chuy, butcher of all he surveys, was sent packing for making an ill-conceived salmon and goat cheese dish.

Well, I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume that I pissed some people off with my expression of loathing for Texas. Alas, that's just the way it is. But I'd be open to someone trying to convince me that there would be something (aside from the greatest potato salad I've ever had) that would make me change my mind. That said ...


The chefs do their expected postmortems at their new, appropriately tacky Dallas digs before they arrive at the Cordon Bleu school which will serve as their kitchen for their stay in Big D. And since, unlike their usual sponsoriffic kitchen, this one isn't booby trapped with GE Monogram™ appliances, they should do well there.

Quickfire Challenge 

At the new kitchen, Padma greets the chefs and introduces them to this week's guest judge, Dean Fearing, currently in the lead for most full-of-himself guest judge ever. The two explain that the chefs will have to make something involving saucy mothers (or something like that). The chefs pull knives to determine which saucy mother they'll have to remake. And when it's all over, Dean Fearing seems to be disappointed more chefs didn't opt to remake Rue (McClanahan, the sauciest of all mothers). 

At least that's the way I remember it.

Anyway, Beverly catches heat for making her French mother too Asian, and Greyson is judged the sauciest of them all. And, with that, Greyson wins immunity and shows that she has mad skills to go along with her winning pluck.

Elimination Challenge

Padma explains that for the next challenge, the chefs will have to cater a banquet for a few hundred fashion victims with a penchant for wearing ranching duds indoors at a fancy dinner party, appropriately called the Cattlemen's Balls. And they'll be serving at Southfork Ranch, the setting for the '70s-'80s nearly-unwatchable prime-time behemoth, Dallas. (Cue the "Who Shot J.R.?" references.)

Sarah, originally from Texas as she is so damn fond of mentioning time and time again, is over the moon, since her dad was a cattleman with that group that sued Oprah for deigning to disparage the Texas beef industry a few years back. Similarly, my future husband in plural marriage, Ty-Lör, is thrilled to be getting to work on a steak challenge, since he's worked in a steakhouse for years and is an expert in making them (and getting people to pay an extra $20 for a side order of potatoes, I'd assume). 

The pretentious guest judge makes a major production about each and every steak having to be medium rare and you just know that that's not going to happen, as these things go.

Also, the winner of the challenge will win a brand new Chrysler K-Car! (Cut to everyone extolling the virtues of the wonderful, fuel-efficient, economical, stylish and nice-smelling K-Car and how they'd crawl over broken glass to win one. Gooooo, K-Car!

The chefs quickly break into four teams, each one being responsible for a course, two of which will have to include steak in some way.

Quickly, Edward is seen complaining that, for the second time, Heather is using his cake recipe for her offering, and he is starting to resent the crap out of her.

For the next day, we get lots of shots of Heather being a complete snot towards Beverly and just about everyone else. Late on day one, Ty-Lör stabs himself badly with an oyster knife and manages to power through before heading to the hospital after time is up for the night.

The next morning, he arrives back at the Casa Cuisine and announces he's only had one hour of sleep, but will will himself to do well.

Earlier, Tom and Mr. Pretentious had made the rounds in the kitchen and observed who was doing what and noted that Ty–Lör had chosen to only mark the steaks on the grill before flashing them in the oven before service, something that was apparently a risky (and ultimately failing) move. Also, Invisible Whitney made an appearance to announce that she would be taking two days to make potatoes au gratin, much to the dismay of (at least) Heather and Edward.

Beverly takes all day to prepare her shrimp, which makes Bully Heather want to go through the roof (which would take quite a bit of heavy equipment, normally) and even Edward has had enough of her.

Come time to serve, Heather and Lindsey have taken charge of organizing the service (having the last course as their culinary offering). And, while that part goes reasonably well, what appears to be a horrible move by Lindsey, who wrongly thinks it's time for the next course, causes the steaks to be flashed too soon, leaving them sitting around getting cold for several key minutes.

When Ty-Lör learns this, he knows his goose is cooked.

Judges' Table

The judges call up Heather, Chris "Samurai" Jones and Nyesha for having the best dishes and end up handing over the K-Car keys to Big Smug Heather. Considering she was sure she'd be on the bottom of things (I'd assume for having been instrumental in leading the less-than-stellar team's overall efforts), she had been making preparations to throw over Beverly for spending too much time preparing her shrimp.

I hope she gets stranded and trapped in that damn K-Car on the side of the road somewhere.

Then it's time for the bottoms, Ty-Lör, Whitney and Edward.

Ty gets it for the whole steak debacle. And, sadly, it has been happened more than once already, he's a man about it and takes full responsibility for his foul-up, even when a good part of why things turned out badly for him are bad decisions on other people's parts. In a case of "Don't bore Nina," Edward catches hell for not making his plate "sing."

But it's Whitney who is finally knifed for having spent two days making potatoes au gratin which ended up served raw to at least one judge.

So long, Whitney. Whoever you are.

Redemption Kitchen

Now I'm all kinds of confused. We see freshly de-knifed Whitney appearing back at the San Antonio chef's McMansion where we are to get footage of her packing and - surprise! - finding the Letter From Tom ordering her to the Kitchen of Darkness.

But, not only isn't this the house where her stuff has been, it looks like she's already packed up there. I'll assume that's because she just wheeled her bag in there so they could get the footage they needed.

Moments later, she's in the Batcave Kitchen to face off against Chuy for the chance to get back in the game. And, as an extra "bonus," the chefs will be competing before a panel of ultra-schlubbed-out chefs (i.e., the other chefs who were eliminated earlier in the post-game competition).

The two will have to make great burgers. And to choose the meat from which they'll have to make their burgers, the two pull knives. Chuy gets Ostrich. Whitney gets Elk.

Since he and his dad routinely choked the many wild ostriches that roamed their farm in Mexico, we can assume that Chuy felt he had this in the bag. But when it's all over, the peanut gallery and Tom agree that Whitney's burger was a bit better, and she wins the right to lose to the next eliminated chef(s).

Next time on Top Chef:  A double elimination! And the chefs will have to pick which two will be on the bottom themselves? Oh, the (manufactured) drama!