While We Wait On Top Chef ...

Hey boys and girls. On the off, off, off chance you're out there wondering what's been going on, the answer is lots.

But the most important to y'all, aside from anticipating the launch of Top Chef: Seattle (aka The How Many Seconds Before The Chefs Have To Catch Flying Fish Season), I've embarked on a new experiment.

And if you've read any of my Top Chef blog, you know that a regular motif is the fact that I can't cook to save my life. (This is owing to several factors, not the least of which is an unfortunate incident in my young adulthood where I sent myself to the hospital.)

But after a few attempts and a key chat with super chef (as noted in the last blog post), I decided to try to learn in an intellectually engaging way which works nicely with my OCD and love of geography.

With that, I invite you to check out my Tumblr blog ...

Clifferino: Learning To Cook Alphabetically Around The World

At this writing, we're already a few weeks in, having just finished Angola. I'd love it if you'd follow there if this is at all your thing.

See you all soon!

Your Gentle Blogger, Cliff

Top Chef Dreams Do Come True: Andrew's All-Star Pop-Up Jam

Chef Andrew D'Ambrosi is probably best known for being the wisecrackingest culinarian on Season Four of Top Chef. In fact, I'd wager that the term "Culinary Boner" is probably on his business card.

And for any of those who followed my (long neglected) Top Chef blog a few years back, you'd know that I had, er, let's say a little crush on the man. (I believe the restraining order has been lifted now, so I'm good.)

In any case, after the husband hacked my Facebook account and sent him a friend request, which he accepted, I was able to track his ev
ery step follow his career post-show. Since he operated out of New York, I didn't really imagine I'd get to finally meet the man or try his food.

But after a while, I noticed that he was now working out of the Netherland Antilles, specifically St. Maarten. And, with my own move from Columbus, Ohio, to South Florida the odds were getting better that I'd be able to get a taste.

Suddenly, last week, something "popped up" in my feed. Andrew, it seemed, was going to be headed to South Florida (where he grew up, it seems) and taking over a restaurant in Surfside, Florida, a town conveniently located on the northernmost end of Miami Beach probably most famous as the locale of the '60s detective drama Surfside Six.

Well, before you can say "Yellow Love Vanilla", we were making plans to head from Jupiter down to Miami Beach (an hour and a half drive, in case you wanna know) for the opportunity.

So, we were on for Andrew's All-Star Pop-Up Jam experience as My Favorite Chef takes over Josh's Deli for a few days in June. Woo hoo!

We arrive at 9 p.m. at the small restaurant (normally, or formally, the Chow Down Grill Restaurant) where we are two of six who will be dining on this, the first night of the endeavor. We sit alongside two great chefs, a married couple, who I gather are legendary in the area. I feel ashamed I was not aware of this.  (They are beyond lovely, by the way, and gave me excellent advice on getting over my "I totally can't cook" and "I don't even understand the basics" thing.)

We meet Andrew, who is as charming as ever. The soundtrack is a hysterical mix of heavy metal,  gangsta rap and REO Speedwagon. "It's all love songs," he quips as he continues his mise en place.

At this point, I'd like to offer a reminder about myself. I love food. I love fine food. And I am the farthest thing from a cook as one could get. (As mentioned above, I'm working to get over this.) And, as such, I really don't have the vocabulary to explain what I was tasting. In fact, I didn't really plan to blog on this, save for the fact that I knew The Webmistress would vivisect me should I not do so, something I spent a good amount of time considering on the drive down.

So, with all that as prologue, here's what we had.

We opted to go the simpler route of ordering the "tasting menu." I don't know how I would make the right choices and having a bit of everything sounded like a good idea. Pricey, yes, but you only go around once, right?

And it was all excellent. But when we were told the portion sizes would be the same any way we ordered, I really didn't imagine I'd be eating that much food. Great food, yes, but, I feel like one of those boa constrictors who eat an entire deer and are found in the Everglades bloated and the size of an earth-mover.

The Food

The first dish of the first course was a Quick Cured Hamachi with a Squid Ink Vinaigrette, Myoga, Soy Caviar, Shiso and Crystallized Ginger. Cheekily served in a Burger King "Whopper™" box, the dish (not pictured) was a delightful opening to the night. And the presence of the soy caviar (not caviar at all, I am told) is inspired.

Next, we have a Smoked White Tuna Tataki with Cucumber, Lime, Pickled Onion, Toasted Garlic and Roasted Jalapeño Vinaigrette. Brilliance. Chef Andrew explains how he created the roasted jalapeño vinaigrette and cracks a few more jokes. A few more sips of our paired beer, a craft beer appropriately named "Clown Shoes," we move on to ...

The Corina Ceviche served with Local Soy, Yuzu, Jalapeño, Sweet Potato and Melon. Phenomenal. Our host explains how he infused the melon with the jalapeño using ... using a device that looked to me to be whipped cream canister. I think that's what it was. There were jokes made about nitrous whippets, so that must be it. (Remember, I'm a guy who's still working on how a Chop-Slap works.)

Now, on to the second (?) course.

Up first (fourth?), Crispy Braised Bacon, served with Watermelon, Herbs and Pickle. Bacon, crispy. And I have officially fallen in love with basil and watermelon. I understand that's a somewhat common pairing, but it's rather new to me and I can't get enough.

This is followed by Roasted Gnudi with House Lardon, Cauliflower, Egg, Hen of the Woods and a Chicken Jus. I love it and the husband is over the moon. The texture of the gnudi (a gnocchi made from ricotta -- Thank you, Wikipedia!) and the runny poached egg was a delight. At this point, though, the fat content and cholesterol levels were starting to do a job on me, a factor of the volume, not the quality of the food. 

The second paired beer, another craft beer called Rogue Dead Guy Ale helped. The name, though, did  feel for how I'd feel the next day. Because, next we had the third course of the heaviest dishes of the night. 

First, Lamb, Lamb, served with Belly, Brussels Sprouts, Sweet Corn Polenta and a Mustard Jus. Again, delicious. The husband was overjoyed. And while the Brussels sprouts were wonderfully crispy and the polenta was perfection, I think the fat content of the belly and the lamb bacon had me reaching saturation levels pretty quickly.

The Duck, Duck, Duck, a Roasted Breast, served with Confit Presse, Roasted Cippolini Asparagus and a Duck Fat Mash. The chef rather lamented that the plate looked like "airplane food," but it was certainly delicious. The duck was prepared perfectly and his explanation of the creation of the confite pressé was fascinating, even if way over my head. Sadly, though, I wasn't able to have much of it at this stage. I really don't understand how it is the judges on these shows do it unless theres a vomitorium stage left which is to be used between courses.

Really, it's all my own fault for not pacing myself.

Still, you can't have a fine meal without ending it on a sweet note (or at least  not one such a fatty one), so it was time for my favorite Top Chef Drinking Game™! And, as is the custom, we polished off our beers at Andrew's exclamation of, "I am not a pastry chef." Chug! (Our neighbors seemed amused by our TV drinking game. Strangely, I thought it was something everyone did now, like jam on dubstep tunes and spend time futzing with something called Pinterest.)

To finish off, our dessert course was a cheesecake with a chocolate and peanut butter marscapone. It was just what I needed and had an interesting flavor that seemed almost flan-like. (Andrew and our celebrity chef neighbor suggested it was the crust I was tasting.)

 Once dinner was over, it was time to party! Andrew brought out the party hats, a Mexican wrestler  mask (for him) and assorted facial hair accessories and eye patches. Pictures!

In deference to the other diners who may not be keen on being on this blog, I'll leave the photo to your imagination. 

OK, here's a taste.

Andrew & Josh

So, after a few pictures and some more chatting with our host, I thanked him for making it all happen and I got to check another thing off that bucket list.

Now, I need be sure to run a good 12 miles to work that all off before the upcoming class reunion!

Posted on AllTopChef.com

Where I'm At ...

So, on the off, off, off, off, off chance that you've been wondering what happened since the last post on here ...

I done moved across the country (from Ohio back to Florida, specifically) and got too damn busy to write a blog. For months. Of course, I'd love to discuss my thoughts on the rest of Top Chef, Project Runway, and the newer-and-totally-indescriable Around The World in 8o Plates. But, alas all I have the time to do is watch the shows now.

Hence, any action on this blog for the foreseeable future is short-form now.

And most of that will be on my Facebook page.

For the time being, most of my pop culturally thoughts are centering around vintage music from the past and a few groovy tunes (and some spectacularly gawdawful ones) from the past you may have forgotten or may have never discovered in the first place.

In that vein, I present to you what is, in my estimation, the most painfully awful song of the 1980s. Thankfully, it has since been relegated to the proverbial dustbin of second hand record stores. Yet, I still find myself wondering how the blazes renowned music critic Dave Marsh managed to not only like this piece of sappy muck, but put it on a list of his 1001 greatest songs in the history of "rock and soul."

So, as my first "Here, Smell This!" entry, I give you the what-were-they-thinking #47 hit from 1982, Richard "Dimples" Fields' "If It Ain't One Thing, It's Another."And as an extra bonus (?) the version here is extra long with random biblical spoutings about the Book or Revelations and other niceties.

Enjoy?




Meanwhile, on my Facebook page, I'm doing something else.

For the month of June, traditionally Gay Pride Month (or Gay and Lesbian Pride Month, or Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Pride Month, or LGBT Pride Month, or LGBTQQIA Pride Month) I'm doing something I'd been considering for a few years. Being the musical junkie I am, I am routinely listening to music from decades gone by and realizing how there are so many hit songs by artists who were (or are now known to be) gay, lesbian or bisexual. (Find me a transgender Top 40 hit maker and I'll gladly add them to the list.)

So, for each day in June, I'm posting a video from each year (or almost each year), chronologically, featuring the biggest hit by a performer who is or was openly gay or what revealed to have been gay, lesbian or bisexual later in life or after his or her death.

We're on day two right now. If you care to follow, just hit that big ole' "Like" button on the page. Or you can look over there on the right of this text and see for yourself.

Hope to hear from ya!

- Your Gentle Blogger

Top Chef Texas: Key Party

January 25, 2012


Previously on Top Chef:  The chefs really brought the goods (and the movie-themed product placement) in cooking a "wicked" dish for Charlize Theron. Everyone made excellent food, but they sent home Beverly anyway. Then, in Redemption Kitchen, she beat Nyseha and came closer to actually coming back.

You know how I said last week  something big was happening? Well, it involves moving my entire life thousands of miles, et al. It's a good thing. But it takes priority over this lil' ole' blog.


And it's a good thing it happens this week because ...


This week, we all fell asleep.

What happened?

• With Beverly gone, we didn't have the chefs beating up on anyone.

• Most of the six remaining chefs were unable to foresee that, having a challenge sponsored by a purportedly healthy frozen food company, they'd be asked to make healthier food than usual.

• Chris, The Rubber Band Man, was as annoying as ever and was frightened by bees.

• Grayson said "awesome" another 12 times.

• Sarah didn't want to compete against her fellow mean girl, Lindsey.

• Lindsey made better meatballs, which put Sarah The Entitled at risk.

• Sarah The Entitled felt she was nearly eliminated because she didn't know that guest judge Cat Cora doesn't care for tarragon.

• Edward was slightly less dickish this week and was happy to go up against his friend, Paul, since he wants to beat the best.

• Paul overcame his Beverly moment in the Quickfire (he missed getting a necessary ingredient on the plate by seconds) and won his umpty--umpth challenge. This means that he, of course, is guaranteed not to win the entire clam bake when this is all over.

• And Chris was finally voted off the island. (Seriously, I haven't wished someone would hold a chef down and clipper off all his hair since ... well, you know.)

And over in  ...

Redemption Kitchen

Chris arrives at the Casa Cuisine and doesn't understand Tom's letter about meeting him in "the kitchen." So, he stands around the house's kitchen talking to the bric-a-brac like someone who thinks he's funny ... but really, really, really isn't. (Well, he may be funnier than Tom tries to be, but botulism is funnier than Tom, so that's not saying much.)

Finally, when he lays off the stupid juice, he arrives in the Darkened Kitchen Of Recycled Quickfires and sees Beverly, last week's Nyseha-dethroner. We get another obligatory, "Hey, do you all still hate Beverly?" from Tom and the challenge commences. This one is another retread involving a mystery box that appears every few minutes. They'll each have to prepare a dish using each of these ingredients.

Mostly, it serves to force me to look at Horrible Heather's Horrible Mug again.

When it's all done, Beverly has the better dish and is only one chef away from re-entering the competition. 

Which should be exciting. Unless it's the next-eliminated chef who gets to come back.

In which case, it'll be as boring as this last episode.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs will have to beg, borrow and steal ingredients from people in Central Park who will have to be their muses for the next challenge. (Did I mention I don't have the wherewithal to pay attention to things too closely this week?)

Top Chef Texas: Something Co-Branded This Way Comes

January 18. 2012

Previously on Top Chef:  The chefs did the usual restaurant wars thing. After being divided into men vs. women, the usual bickerfest and service-related drama took place. The women won, Beverly got the nod for best work, to the consternation of Sarah and Lindsey. The men lost and the photoriffic My Ty-Lör went off to be knocked off in the Redemption Kitchen by Nyesha.

You know how I usually whine about other stuff I got going? Well, this time it involves a (positive) major life event involving pulling up stakes and moving far, far away. And, as these things take many weeks, it will likely adversely affect my blogging the rest of the season.  So, please forgive.


So, we left this with Sarah being a complete loon to Beverly's face about how the previous week's challenge went and how she thought that Lindsey should have been the winner for some insane reason. I thought I'd give the woman the benefit of the doubt, thinking that perhaps it had to do with her decision to hide the kitchen from the judges (something the men didn't do, to their peril). But, nooooo. She just thought that Lindsey deserved the hosannas for having "held the team together." As if.

Which means that both Sarah and Lindsey are on my list of chefs I most want to see lose. Which means they won't.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs are confronted with a bizarre baggage carousel-like conveyor belt challenge where odd food items appear and disappear on the food-go-round. They can grab the crappy stuff that comes out first and have more time to prepare their dishes or they can wait for the "good" stuff and lose valuable time. This only works as comedy in that you get to see Chris the Slobtacular lose some lobsters on the carousel twice before snatching them at the last second. Not that it helped him win the challenge or anything.

But the drama is really seeing Beverly freak out when at the last second she realizes that she's forgotten to put one of her mandatory three ingredients on the plate, despite its being ready. And, to add insult to injury, Padma and guest judge Eric The Ripper tell her that, had she managed that one extra thing, she would have won the challenge (and immunity) "by a mile."

So, a mile behind is Lindsey's dish, which earns her the backhanded victory. Golf claps all around.

Elimination Challenge

  For the elimination challenge, Padma introduces Oscar winner Charlize Theron, who is starring in ABC's Once Upon A Time as the evil queen terrorizing Snow White. (I think that's what it was. They didn't really say. Odd, that.) And for the challenge, the chefs will have to create a gothic dish themed to appropriately promote the entertainment vehicle.

The chefs rush off to the Quick Check for supplies, and we get footage of Beverly being goofy and banging into things. All that's missing is a Lucy Carmichael-esque scene of her pulling the bottom grapefruit off a pyramid of fruit and having them all come crashing down onto a frustrated Mr. Mooney.

At the Casa Cuisine (Mini San Antonio Edition, not to be confused with energy sucking Mega McMansion Edition, which I'd bet ya is the sequester house for the eliminated chefs), the chefs sit around and Paul tells everyone to play nice the following day. It's clear that this is everyone's "subtle" way of telling Beverly not to stomp over everyone in her way in the kitchen.

Cut to Beverly nodding at this with seemingly no idea that this entire conversation is being directed at her. (Or so, the edit would suggest.)

Come time to dine, we learn a few things.

• Charlize is really looking forward to her characterization of Elphaba in this upcoming screened version of Wicked.

• Tom has the most awful sense of humor. I mean, it's so bad, I wanted to break the screen. I suspect he thinks he slays with knock-knock jokes and witty puns.

• Grayson takes things really literally. And she has a pretty damn dark sense of things for someone who says "awesome" every six words.

• If I hear the gang promote this NBC series Grimm (that's what they were promoting, right?) one more time, I'm gonna have more than a chicken claw to hang from the chandelier.

• And Sarah should really reexamine how she makes risotto if every judge who's tasted hers has suggested it's not cooked properly.

In the end, all the chefs are praised immensely for their macabre dishes, and we really can't see how they'd eliminate anyone. Tom, of course, thinks it will be "fun" to nitpick the small details to make someone lose out for some beyond subtle, ultra-subjective reason.

So, Beverly is sent packing. Sob.

Redemption Kitchen

Land-a-goshen, who'da thunk that this webby extra would be host to the most entertaining thing of the entire season. It's actually raising my expectations for the OMG faces on the finalists when they see Tom come in and re-introduce the series' winner to the contest.

Unless it's the one last eliminated chef, in which case it'll be as much a snoozefest as I had expected at the onset.

In any case, Dopey Beverly goes up against Nyseha. Tom reveals to Bev that her challenger has eliminated more than half (?) of the competition at this stage. And Heather the Talking Wildebeest has to get in the first dig, joining about everyone else predicting that Nyesha will take down Beverly in short order.

As for the challenge, the two will be cooking a fish and they are led to believe that the twist is that they'll each only get one pass at the pantry to collect all the ingredients and equipment they'll need for their dish.

But ... surprise! A couple minutes in, Doughy Tom jogs into the kitchen (he really needs to jog more) and announces that the two are to immediately swap stations and cook with what the other has picked out.

This does not please Nyesha one. little. bit.

Hey, I was on her side for most of this season. But our gal is seriously competitive and didn't gain points with me for downplaying Bev's chances. (Not to mention her strange grudge against Ty-Lör, which, interviews suggest, he had no clue about.)

So, after the usual whining about having to use Asian ingredients, Nyesha makes her fine dish. (What is it with this series and people complaining about other people always cooking Asian dishes? That may have surpassed "I am not a pastry chef" as the most overplayed tune of the series.)

And, as time counts down, the members of the Nyseha Cheer Squad start to lose their shit when they see that with seemingly seconds left, Beverly still hadn't touched her fish. Still, somehow, she manages to get it done just as time expires.

Come time for Man Of Mirth, Tom, to judge, he loves both dishes, but cheerfully nitpicks to pick a winner. And, based on the level of seasoning alone, the win goes to ... Beverly!

The cast is clearly overjoyed.

And Beverly doesn't seem to get it.

Same as it ever was.

Next time on Top Chef: We get a visit from British Indie Rock band Bloc Party. (I mean, what else could the episode name mean?) And the chefs face off head-to-head, which gives mean girls Sarah and Lindsey a case of the sadz. Frowny face.

Top Chef Texas: Restaurant Spats

January 11, 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were tortured for the second time this season by being made to stay up all night on the theory that barbecue can only be accomplished if the food's preparers are seeing double by the time it's served. Sarah wound up going to the hospital suffering from heat exhaustion at one point and nearly went home. And, in the end, Chris The Pretty was sent packing for having misused a sugary soda drink and making an "inedible" sauce.

Hey all. You know how each season's Restaurant Wars episode is supposed to be the most anticipated episode each season? Well, around this household the opposite is true. Mostly because it always ends up with one (or sometimes, two) teams screwing things up royally since, oh, I don't know, because it's insane to suggest anyone can realistically take a restaurant from concept to execution in five hours and deliver great service and great food. We are always treated to Padma and Tom complaining about not being greeted or served and most every time we lose a pretty decent chef before his or her time.


And for some reason, Tom seems proud of this fact.


So, not only do we not get any later-that-evening footage of people moaning that they're down one more chef, nor do we get shots of the chefs in various states of undress the next morning, but this time we don't even get a Quickfire Challenge.

Nope, this week, the chefs walk right into an empty space where Grayson properly guesses that it's time for the Restaurant Wars ...

Elimination Challenge

And this time it's ... a battle of the sexes!

It's a very cutting edge concept.

Hence, we have Ty-Lör, Paul, Edward and "Chef Phil McCracken" (aka Chris) facing off against Beverly, Sarah, Lindsay and Grayson, Queen Of "Awesome."

What this means is that the forced storyline of Edward The Dickish vs. Sarah The SuperTexan will have to take a back seat this week while we develop "whole. new. rivalries," or so promised the Bravo production squad.

So, within seconds of the challenge being announced, we jump right into said new rivalry. And we discover that now that HeatherHag's gone, her bestie, Sarah has absorbed her douchey energy and is going full-bore at Beverly. Even accounting for the new villain edit, it's pretty clear that, once again, Beverly is making attempts to put forth her ideas for her contribution to a team challenge and Sarah and Lindsey are shooting them down one by one.

At one point, Bev, perhaps a mite passive-agressively, complains that she has to do something, and Sarah turns on the charm. And by "charm" we mean she starts speaking to Beverly like she was a slow third-grader having trouble understanding what the time-out corner means.

It lasts all episode.

Meanwhile, the annual Top Chef Restaurant Wars Goofus vs. Gallant hijinks ensue.

The men are seen convivially collaborating to deliver a great experience with their restaurant, curiously named Canteen. And the women are seen bickering with each other (read: telling Beverly to finish all her veggies or she won't get to stay up and watch iCarly). Oh, and their restaurant will be called Half Bushel because that's what's Lindsey wants and you'll like it, missie!


They shop and Edward manages to get a few nasty digs in at the women in interviews. Finally, it's night one and the men, having lost the coin flip, will be serving first. Edward, who has experience running restaurants for collections of blurry-faced patrons before, will be handling the front-of-house duties.

The patrons arrive and the judges follow close behind. At first, service seems to be going well. But we quickly see that the provided servers (who all are conveniently incompetent for your amusement) start a domino effect of crisis in the kitchen. First, Ty-Lör jumps out from the kitchen to expedite. Later, Paul does the same.

The judges, of course, see this all and are generally pleased with themselves that they've managed to "throw them in the deep end," meaning "effectively set them up to fail so perfectly." Oh, and the food's just fair, if the judges' table-side comments are to be believed.

As part of this "battle of the sexes" twist, this time the opposing team gets to experience their competitors' restaurant as patrons. In this case, we simply learn that when she's not in uniform, Our Dear Grayson is, shall we say "sartorially challenged"?

Once that's over, they all head back to Casa Cuisine (Austin Branch) and the men bemoan how badly they did and hope that the women screw up even worse.

The next night it's the women's team, and Sarah is in rare form. She whines about Beverly and ShrimpGate (again, channeling The Hag) and even tosses a few snide comments Grayson's way for kicks.

Lindsey, meanwhile, will be running the front of the house in her best beige schmata. And, since she won't be able to prepare her own fish dish, she'll (reluctantly) have to have that awful Beverly do it for her on account of Beverly being a total goldbrick and only doing one dish ... as if she can be trusted to even do that right.

Lindsey's thought bubble:  Honestly, why didn't we give that one up for adoption again, Sarah? I forget.

Beverly tells us that the way Lindsey wants her fish prepared isn't the way she'd do it, but, since it's not her dish she'll do her best to follow Lindsey's perfect instructions with the few brain cells she has.

Come time for service, we see the usual service crisis footage with Tom and Padma having to cool their heels while Lindsey is back in the kitchen preparing a dunce cap and stool for Beverly. Eventually, Linds arrives and lazily points the judges at their table before disappearing again to go back into the kitchen to help Sarah smack Beverly's knuckles with a ruler.

Service concludes and it's time for the long knives. Anticipating being on the losing end of things, Sarah and Lindsey continue their Mean Girls bit and go so far as to try to take credit for Beverly's dish (which was a hit), since everyone knows that Beverly couldn't find her mouth with a spoon without their help.

Finally, Beverly does manage to fight back for once, calmly pointing out that she came up with each of the dish's elements on her own, thank you very much.

And, as luck (and the Bravo Magical Elves) would have it, once at ...

Judges' Table

... the women win and it's Beverly who's awarded the prize of the night's top dish.

This, naturally, galls Sarah and Lindsey soooo much that, once back in the kitchen, Sarah suggests that they all bow down and kiss Linsey's feet for actually having been responsible for the win. (If I have to concoct a way that that makes a lick of sense, I can only imagine that she was suggesting that Lindsey deserves credit for, unlike the men's team, having had the foresight to hide the kitchen from the judges' view so they couldn't see the raging bitchfest that was happening back there.)

So, then it's time for the men to take their lumps.

Chef Seymour Butz (aka Chris) gets it for not having done more than make one dish, one which got mixed reviews. The rest get slammed for less-than-stellar food and for the visible crisis in the kitchen. But, in the end, it's My Ty who get's kicked to the curb.

I haz the sadz.

Redemption Kitchen

Ty-Lör, newly shaved (boo!) arrives back at Casa Cuisine (San Antonio Edition), and there on his already-packed suitcase is the no-longer-shocking letter from Tom. He heads to the Kitchen O'Logos and sees Nyseha there waiting to face off against him.

And this is where The Big Whaaaaa? happens. It seems that not only does Nyesha have a justified grudge against The Gorgon Heather for how she acted, but she is also harboring a serious resentment of Ty-Lör for some unknown reason. (We see a clip of him having said some random thing much, much earlier, but not only does it seem mild, it's not even clear if it's directed at her.)

The two will have to make a dessert and will have to pick from The Peanut Gallery for a sous chef who will either help them or conceptualize the dish for them, depending whom they pick.

Here is where Nyesha proves herself a serious reality show competitor. See, she doesn't just want to win by picking the best colleague. She wants to make it hard for Ty-Lör. Hence, she picks Hag because, not only is she a pastry chef, she's Ty-Lör's friend and Nyesha knew he would have picked her first, if he had had the chance.

Ty is flummoxed by this but soldiers on, picking Pretty Chris as his helper.

The guys work on Ty's dessert idea while Heather all but takes over entirely for Nyesha and conceptualizes the entire dish. Nyesha helps Heather ably.

When Tom finishes tasting both dishes, he admits that they were both pretty amazing. But the winner will be ... Nysesha who is one step closer to being eliminated by another chef just shy of returning to the competition. And won't that make for dramatic Internet-only television?

Next time on Top Chef: Charlize Theron wants to eat a still-beating heart. Or at least, I think that's what she said.

Top Chef Texas: It's The Pits!

January 4, 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs migrated to Austin from the horribleness of Dallas, we got a visit from crazy Patti Labelle's wig collection and, at long last, we were rid of Heather the Horrible. So it was a good day.

We're back, dear reader. And while I still love the show, I have to say that this episode really irritated me. And not just because I have a new most-disliked chef. Aside from the nausea-inducing infomercial mid-episode and the heavily edited audio designed to jazz up the storyline of a new rivalry (Sarah v. Edward), the critiques of the bottom teams were edited to be as ridiculously harsh as the diners' and judges' reactions were edited to sound effusive earlier in the same episode. Phooey.


We start with the chefs back at Casa Cuisine (Austin Campus) drinking beer dispensed by their energy-efficient Kelvinator™ refrigerator and lamenting the loss of Hellbeast Heather. (Well, Sarah lamented the loss of Heather. PluckyAsianNerdChef Beverly, not so much.)

And, kicking off our new storyline, we have Edward mention to the chefs what he's told us repeatedly already, that Heather was on the winning side of two challenges by using his cake recipe. Naturally, this makes Sarah fume for some inane reality show reason involving Heather not being there to defend herself.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door! Why, it's a stranger bearing gifts! The Trojan Cart bears a 32-volume collection of expensive picture books and a message that they are to study the lusty photographs of architectural food for a leg-up on the morning's ...

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive at the Non-Monogramed Kitchen to meet Padma and the Box O' Coffee Table Books' Author. And, as telegraphed, we see that the chefs will have to make dishes inspired by the Big Book Of Food Pics movement. We learn that this involves not only fancy molecular gastronomy chemical gimmicks, but also a degree of precision and actual innovation.

Samurai Chef Chris (and part time Pregnant Man Thomas Beatie impersonator) predicts that he's going to rock this since at his restaurant in Chicago -- the one he has to name-check at least once per episode -- he does this kind of thing all the time. Oh, and also, he came prepared for this, having brought with him a gimmicky "magic bean" for just this kind of challenge. Meanwhile, my personal übercrush, the, er, photogenic (?) Ty-Lör thinks he'll be able to distinguish himself with a simple watermelon offering, dished up with a magical powder which turns into olive oil when it hits your tongue.

(No, I will not make a joke about tonguing Ty. I will not. I'm classy like that.)

When comes time for the tasting, Beverly, who was up studying the Culinary Architectural Digest all night, goes to present her dish. But when she goes to foam things up (a procedure known as Marceling the Plate), she ends up spraying her foamy goodness all over Padma's Target-designed dress and the guest judge's pleated pants. It's sad, really, and all the other chefs laugh uncomfortably at her.

When they get to Samurai Chris's table, he presents his every-trick-in-the-book banquet. This involves the two taking a red "magic bean," one which Chris explains patronizingly, only to be met by the even more patronizing guest judge saying he grows them in his back yard. Basically, the "pill" alters the taste buds so that a bite of lemon tastes sweet, makes plain soda water and lime taste sweet ... and reconstructs a deconstructed cheesecake?

Anyhoo, the cookbook shiller isn't crazy about the dishes from Paul and Grayson and he didn't take a shine to being sprayed Big Brother-style by Bev.

But he did like Pretty Chris' offering as well as Ty's watermelon and (groan) Cracky Chris Magorium's Wonder Emporium. But the winner of the challenge (and immunity) is ... My Ty! Yay!

Now for the ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs are told that they'll have to divide themselves into three groups of three. And, in these teams, they'll have to create a massive barbecue feast for 300 diners involving beef, pork, chicken, two sides, a fresh sprig of cilantro, hákarl, a Lincoln Navigator and a partridge in a pear tree.

The teams work out thusly:

• Team Blue: Paul, Lindsay, Grayson

• Team Red: Edward, Sarah, Ty-Lör

• Team White: Beverly, Chris C., Chris J.

We get another chapter in the Sarah v. Edward nonsense when the teams are being chosen and we hear Sarah say that she "doesn't trust" Edward, but will be on his team anyway. (Can you see my eye-roll from here?)

The chefs rush off to the Piggly Wiggly and Foodstuffs Foodstop where we they pick up their proteins, vegetables and a Bartlett's Guidebook of New Snide Remarks for Edward. (In chapter three of this crap, we have him remarking how Sarah, who started as a member of the cast's huge Chicago Mafia this season has now fully transformed into True Texas Gal.)

Later, Sarah, our ostensible True Texas Tessie, enthuses about the 100-year-old barbecue establishment where they will be cooking. (Cue pics of the lass' chef boyfriend dreaming of getting to eat at said 100-year-old barbecue establishment.)

They all arrive at the barbecue joint and are given tours of the sweaty pits. The pony-tailed proprietor jokes (?) that their tears will be the necessary final ingredient to their dishes and leads them all out to their Trojan Vibrating Touch Wagons!

"Wow! Is that what I think it is?" asks Grayson.

"Yeah, the little personal massager that fits on the tip of your finger!" says Sarah. "And it converts into a fully-equipped station wagon, capable of hauling lumber, reality show contestants and bringing you to new heights of ecstasy in minutes!"

"And it comes in this awesome little bag!" adds Grayson.

Soon, the chefs are starting their marathon all-night cooking session (their second of the season). We have a "crisis" at the middle-of-the-night time of 3 p.m. (at least according to the on-screen chyron) where Team Blue's meat falls off the racks in the smoker. We have footage of Pretty Chris phallically peeling carrots. And we have the "crisis" of Beverly setting fire to a pot of bourbon and starting the famous wildfires which raged across Texas all summer.

Somewhere along the line, we see Pretty Chris discuss his contribution to the dinner, a not-at-all-suspiciouly-product-placed Crystal Pepsi barbecue marinade. We also find out that the vocal admirer of sexy men and sexy women, at least artistically, favors naked women. He must also have a great love of pastry since at home he likes to make paintings of pie.

As the sun is rising and the temperatures approach a toasty 350º in the shade, Sarah seeks help from a medic and has to be removed for her own health. Lindsey and Ty-Lör prove they are decent human beings and express concern for her. Edward, though, is more concerned with how this is going to affect his showing. (Here is where the editing seems to really seem to take what was probably overly competitive talk about how he toughs stuff out -- having bled out while cooking though an earlier challenge --- and turns it into what sounds like really monstrous chatter about Sarah's condition.)

The Red Team scrambles to make do with two chefs as the diners arrive. And, just as the judges are to get there, Sarah appears back on the scene. Again, Ty expresses concern and Edward acts like a dick towards her, even if her appearance and eventual disappearance do seem suspect.

Oh, a note about the diners. Among the 300 diners, I thankfully did not see a single cowboy hat. Maybe those nice things I heard about Austin are true after all.

Anyway, the diners and the judges are heard saying great things about the offerings from the Red and White teams and less-than-wonderful things about Team Blue. So, when Padma arrives and calls up Team Blue, it seems so. very. shocking.

So, Team Blue wins. The other two are on the block and the dishes which a moment ago were great are now deemed "inedible."

And Pretty Chris gets the knife.

Sadness.

And that was without even getting into Slobby Chris' idiotic "I Eat Vegans" t-shirt.

Redemption Kitchen

Back in San Antonio. Surprise. Chris versus Nyseha. Tom loses a syllable from Nyesha's name. The chefs cook using ingredients from a gas station. We get another ad for the sponsormobile. I am subjected to Horrible Heather's voice again. And Nyseha lives to battle another day.

Next time on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars. Men versus women. Lots of bickering. Whee.