American Idol Results Show: 10 Become 9

March 26, 2008

Well, somebody had to go.

Welcome to another 60 minute show which could be one.

First, we get a other pitch for the contest to be the songwriter who gets to saddle the winner of this season with another song that lots of folks will buy, but no one will ever listen to again. Discuss.

Next its time for Gang Sang! Since the singers had sung songs from their respective birth years, the powers that be figured Maxine Nightingale's "Right Back Where We Started From" would be apt. It's cute, as far as these things go. But who knew gloom rocker David Cook could dance?

Up next, orgy of sponsor worship, Part One! Up first, Apple! (Now, I'm as much of a crazed Mac-head as anyone, but this was really extreme.) iTunes! Recording songs for iTunes! Playing them on your iPod and iPhone! And making it all with a Mac! Whee! Doesn't Carly look amazed at seeing her shiny, shiny face on her iPhone as it displays her latest performance. And did we mention you can get it on iTunes?

And now come the contestants. Chikezie. While I loved his performance, the judges didn't. Seems the viewers didn't either. (Yeah? Well screw you, viewers!) He's in the bottom three.

Brooke White? She's equivocal about how she did. She's safe.

Carly Smithson? First off we need to report that there was a report that she was "off" the night before because she learned she was pregnant. She's not. She says she was distracted because she was wearing "spanks." Everyone giggles. Seems Simon, being a Brit, knows what those are. No one else does and he's not telling.

Well, guessing from some quick Googling, it's "Spanx." And, as I guessed from her too-tight dress last night, it's "shapewear." Latex to suck all your fatty tissue into your rib cage and such. Always a good idea for when you need to employ your diaphragm to sing on national TV.

In any case, she's safe.

Next: The contractually obligated car commercial. It's cute, sort of. Stealing an idea from the Justice "D.A.N.C.E." video (see it here), they make the dancing Idols appear on t-shirts (and later posters and such as they have done before.

Which reminds me. Remember when everyone was amazed at the brand-new "morphing" technology when they first saw it in Michael Jackson's "Black Or White" video? And remember how it suddenly was being used everywhere and didn't look so amazing anymore?

It's like that.

Moving on ...

David Archuleta. He does his damnedest to defend his choice of a horrible 1990 message-y song (John Farnham's "You're The Voice," if you haven't had that burned into your psyche already). He says that, despite what Simon was implying (that his stage dad did the picking), it's one of his favorite songs. Why does that make me like him less? Anyways, he's safe. The mob screams tweenishly.

David Cook. Mopey poseur dude who aped Chris Daughtry doing Live doing Johnny Cash by doing Chris Cornell covering Michael Jackson ... is safe. (And gauging by the instant massive number of downloads of the Chris Cornell cover on iTunes, he's in it for the long haul, I fear.)

Sayesha Mercado. Again, the kids who vote in these things in ridiculous numbers just can't appreciate music for the "grown and sexy." Despite having done a bang-up job on an incredible song, she's in the bottom three. Damn you, High School Musical fans!

Michael Johns. He tortured me with bombast and is rewarded. Safe.

In pitching  to commercial (we're up to 17 minutes of them per hour for AI now -- not counting the in-show informercials),  Ryan teases that Sayesha and Chikieze aren't smiling as much as the safe kids. They are. Sayesha points to her big grin. Ryan thinks, "Don't contradict my scripted narrative!"

And now for the pain of show-filling live phone calls from viewers! (Haven't they killed this yet?)

Where else but America's number one show would you get to hear a 23-year old from Atlanta ask Chikeize if he's single? Or hear someone else ask Pocket Idol where the blazes he came up with that damn song? Or hear some clown give us another excuse for another "careful don't step on the sexual tension" Simon/Ryan moment?

Well, at least Danny Noriega and Dancer David Hernandez (and at least one of the forgettable fallen females from this season sitting next to them) seems to think it was funny.

Next up, Kimberly Locke! America's favorite and most successful Celebrity Fit Club alumni talks about all the food she can't eat at her new restaurant, how she's been doing since coming in third in Season Two and how she's promoting her new album.

Out she comes looking spectacular, fit and fab in her (Project Runway winner) Christian Siriano gown. She sings her new track, "Fall." She sounds amazing and, while the song didn't grab me at first, could be a creeper. I hope it does well.

And now for "Aren't Global Bloodsucking Corporations Just Grand!" Aren't those folks from Exxon/Mobil such sports for giving millions (out of their mega billions in record profits) to Idol Gives Back? Let's reward them and help boost their public image by using their name three times in a two minute piece on helping needy Americans!

See, I feel better already! I sure hope this helps their bottom line! They need it!

Back to the Idols ...

Ramiele Malubay. C'mon. You know when there are three people left to come out and they call you by yourself that you're safe. Even if you don't really deserve it, darling as you are.

And finally, Kristy Lee Cook, whom I really, really hate now after painful song choice, the excruciating Our Country Is Better Than Your Sack Of Shit anthem, "God Bless The U.S.A." Naturally, Lee Greenwood called and said he loved it. (No shit. Like he'd call and threaten to sic Chuck Norris on her ass for it.)

And Jason Castro. The Dread-ed One already knows how this goes. It's supposed to be a shock. Whoopee. Kristy Of the Christland is safe. The Doobie Brother is in the bottom three.

Your bottom three, Chikieze, Sayesha and Jason.

Jason's safe. .... Sayesha's safe. ... Which means Chikieze goes home. Cue the Ruben Studdard music.

Sigh. And I was so looking forward  to seeing him do Dolly Parton.