American Idol: The Top Ten Perform

March 25, 2008

Excuse me while I down a few more pain relievers.

What was that show? I still don't get it. Day is night, up is down, war is peace ... and what I thought was excruciating is praised while the sublime is punished.

Ah, that can only mean one thing: all the judges must have been sampling Paula's medicine cabinet.

Let's start the show! Tonight's theme: songs from the year of each of the contestant's birth. And if history is any judge, this should make for some really odd choices. (Does anyone remember Nadia Turner rendering an obscure Crystal Gayle song a few years back?)

Ramiele Malubay: We begin with the tiny tunesmith bravely taking on Heart's "Alone" from 1987. And so my migraine begins. First, this show needs to have a no repeats policy. If someone has done a song before (especially if several people have done a song before on the show)  it needs to be retired. Second, the song was completely wrong for her and showed her to be way to weak to proceed. This season's Lisa Tucker.

The judges pointed out that she had been sick (as if to mitigate the sharp vocals) and she helpfully said that she's feeling much better now.

In any case, it was nice to see Danny Noriega cheering her on. I guess the Rosie cruise is over.

Jason Castro: Our resident herbalist picked up the guitar again (whew!) and delivered a strumming take on Sting's brilliant 1987 song "Fragile." I actually quite liked it. Unlike scores of contestants before him, he managed to convey vulnerability in song and doesn't need to do the pose-on-the-big-note-while-the-camera-zooms-around-you thing. Naturally, the judges aren't impressed and tell him he needs to do something else.

Simon even says he sounds like a busker outside a tube stop. (Stop it. He's British.) I can only partially see his point. I liked it anyway.

Sayesha Mercado: Yes, I have a particular fondness for R&B divas. Yes, she was my early favorite. But she had pretty much all but lost me for a few weeks running there. Tonight, though, she pulled out "If I Were Your Woman," actually an old Gladys Knight & The Pips number from the early '70s which was a big R&B hit for Stephanie Mills in 1987.

And I thought she totally nailed it. She managed to interpret the song in a way that wasn't a note for note copy of either version, yet one that was impressive on its own merits. Paula was pleased, but Simon wasn't terribly impressed. Sheesh. I have never disagreed with him so much in one night. Yes, her voice isn't the most impressive, granted. But she really brought her own flavor to it and made magic all her own. (My headache intensifies.)

Chikezie: Why do the judges want to hate this guy? Why? Is it because Ruben Studdard's career has slid steadily downhill since he won the title in Season 2? The last two times our man Chikezie changed things up with uptempo bluegrass/country/rock arrangements. This time he "went with his heart" and opted for a ballad which held meaning for him, Luther Vandross' 1985 classic "If Only For One Night."

Words can't express how much I loved this. From his spot-on vocals to his working of the crowd. (Oh, can I take this moment to say how much I hate the beat-clapping, girly shrieking, arm waving mosh pit thing this season. Girls! Stop trying to clap to the beat of sensitive ballads already!) 

Once it goes to the judges, they rip me down to earth. Randy and Paula give it faint praise and Simon calls it "cheesy" and "old-fashioned." (Simon, the Flowbee haircut, alternating three shirts and pre-cancerous smoker-skin tan are mighty old-fashioned too. So, speak for yourself.)

Here Chikezie (who, let me say isn't my favorite) does the one thing that is just plain unattractive. He gets defensive. Even when he's right, it is not a good look for him.

(Oh, somewhere in here Ryan does a nauseating plug for the red-cupped sponsors which made my DVR trigger finger really itchy.)

Brooke White: The resident singer-songwriter chick (and my most recent fave) trots out 1984's Police classic "Every Breath You Take." From the announcement of the song choice I was worried. The song is a.) meant for a band, and b.) is a tale of paranoia at the dissolution of a relationship. Can this pure, sweet thing really convey that. Well, not really. She did fine. She did it playing the piano and managed to alter it enough to make it believable. 

The judges were on the fence about it. Most thought that if she would have left the band out of it it might have worked better. It's the first time I sort of agree with them all night.

Michael Johns: Here's where the blood vessel all but pops in my left temple. Aussie boy turns out Queen's 1978 "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions." (See my earlier comment about retiring songs that have been done on the show before.) I like Queen. I really do. But this/these song(s) are more clichéd than anything this side of "Y.M.C.A."

My motto: If a song is routinely heard at sporting event or wedding receptions, it doesn't ever need to be heard outside of those places. That way, if I avoid those places, I'm cool. See the logic?

And I'm not even getting at the unbearable chest-pounding arrogance of the MJ song/performance.

So ... the judges are enthralled. Oh, the pain! The pain!

Carly Smithson: The Tattooed Lady does Bonnie Tyler's 1984 hit "Total Eclipse Of The Heart." (Do they ever think that someone remembers anyone having done these songs well on the show before?) She wears an ill-fitting dress and pretty much shouts through the whole thing. I'm neither bothered or impressed. Same goes for the judges. (Side note: It seems the producers have managed to find a happy medium on lighting her scary-looking hubby.)

David Archuleta: Oh dear. Oh dear. What the hell is going on here? Aside from being really hung up on socially conscious songs ("Imagine" "Another Day In Paradise"), I can't imagine what would possess this kid to pull out 1990's John Farnham dud "You're The Voice." The song sounds like a bad (is there any other kind) contemporary christian song. And do you really want to compare yourself to the guy who replaced Glenn Shorrock in the Little River Band?

See?

Funniest moment of the night: When Randy and Paula say that they had never heard that song (who -- except for one person I know -- has), Simon, naturally has. Proving once again that while he's right about most things, his musical history is way skewed. He's never heard "Crazy On You" by Heart, but knows probably knows the entire canon of Kiki Dee.

Kristy Lee Cook: And here is where to hide all the sharp objects before I do something I will regret. This season's Carrie Underwood wannabe does ... wait for it ... Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The U.S.A."

...

...

Sorry, I had to run for the Pepto. Words cannot express the loathing I have for this song, the epitome of Republican jingoistic "the magic creature in the sky likes us better, damnit" bullshit which simply must be played at every GOP confab as if it was their official anthem.

Performance-wise, she did well. But no amount of pageant-worthy, flag-billowing-in-the-background high notes will make me not want to do unspeakable things to the creature who created this crap.

What do we have to cleanse the palate?

David Cook: Really, David Cook? That's all that's left? Sigh. OK, whataya got?

"Billie Jean," the 1982 Michael Jackson number which needs no introduction.

But ...

He Of The Black Fingernails decides to do this with a twist, all "alternative" and "post grunge-y." It's dark and edgy and he actually performs it well. The judges are ecstatic.

Now let's look at this again, shall we?

The dude copies Chris Daughtry (who if he wasn't sitting in the front row, I'd swear had jumped up on stage in a wig for another shot at the title) by covering an old song which is not of his chosen genre using a drastically different arrangement which was first done by an alterna-rocker (which most viewers haven't heard before).

So we have David Cook aping Daughtry mimicking Soundgarden's Chris Connell doing a Michael Jackson song.

And they praise him to the heavens for being original.

Day is night, up is down, war is peace ... and I'm still in pain.

Picks for the bottom three: Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson ... and if the magic lord of the ping-pong balls is merciful, Kristy Lee Cook.