Top Chef Chicago

Episode: Block Party (or, Pantry Raid!)

March 26, 2008

The cheftestants awake to a Valerie-free suite and, this causes them to react in slightly different fashions. Chef Stephanie and the other females bemoan the male-centric world of chef-dom.

Chef Spike of the Funny Hats reacts by repeatedly thrusting My Twitchy Future Boyfriend Andrew's head into a wall. Again. And Again. (Of course, this is all play acting, but still, it's cute, or if you must, "cute.")

See Andrew wants to be an entertainer chef. I may be in a minority, but, hey, I'm entertained.

Quickfire Challenge: Impress guest judge Rick Bayless by reinventing the humble taco for upscale dining.

Most of the chefs respond with the expected excitement.

¡Epa! ¡Epa! !¡Andalo! ¡Andalo!

Still, one cranky chef ain't feeling it.

Biker Chef Erik: "Mexican food is about the people. It's about the streets. To put fine dining into it just kinda ughs me."

So he decides to make an upscale taco that looks like the detritus of a drunken Cinco De Mayo celebration.

Chef Manuel figures he had the edge here since he's Mexican, knows how to incorporate cool ingredients like cactus and can do the proper Spanish pronunciation of words like tomatillo, relleno and Quetzequatl.

Chef Richard of the Ever-Higher Fauxhawk decides to dispense with the taco shell entirely and uses Season Two Chef Mia's missing jicama instead.

My Favorite Twitchy opts for duck and plantain and makes my mouth water with his food this time.

Erik's attempt to win the challenge by reverse psychology lands him in the bottom three with the judge.

Erik: "He can go screw himself."

Let's see how that works out, shall we?

Rick Bayless picks Richard for the win and immunity and gets to have his recipe "stolen" for Bayless' restaurant. That's a reward, right?

Spike (in his first silly hat of the episode) is not amused.

Next the teams have to divide into two teams, Red and Blue.

Team Red consists of Lesbian Power Chefs Zoi and Jennifer, Bearded Wackjobs Andrew and Spike, Asian Villan Chef Dale and Abercrombie Chef Ryan.

Team Blue is Molecular Chef Richard, Silent But Deadly Chef Stephanie, Lady Hat Chef Nikki, Kiwi Chef Mark and Invisible Chefs Antonia and Manuel.

Elimination Challenge: Kicking off a mind-boggling parade of product placement, we see the Toyota Highlanders® drive down residential streets while the chefs talk and text on their LG® smartphones on the Verizon® network about what to expect.

Moments later, they learn that in the Mealstogether.com® challenge, they will have to cater a block party for 40 adults and 70 kids (can we say overpopulation?). And they will have to secure all their food from raiding the pantries of the houses on the street.

Luckily, the homeowners are all conveniently well stocked with Hidden Valley® and KC Masterpiece® products, which will be conveniently wrapped in Glad® products and cooked with Kingsford® charcoal, all available at the House Of Satan® (read: Wal-Mart®).

The homeowners are so startled to see the roaming hoards of chefs invading their homes, at least one seems to have invited a camera crew inside the house to capture her shock as she answered the door.

After the Red Team raids one woman's insanely large pantry, the newly minted "Team Sexy" (hell, yeah!) misdirects Team Blue by saying they had already tapped that house out, knowing there was enough food left there to feed the greater Chicago area and parts of suburban Indiana.

In planning its menu, Team Blue wants to make familiar foods that are upscale, Richard wanting  to make a paella, for instance.

Team Sexy wants to go for "classic Americana" like corn dogs and sliders (tiny hamburgers) and wow them with the toppings. You could call this "knowing your target market." You could also call it "patronizing." Chacun à son gôut, as Master Tim would say.

Back at the GE® kitchen Nikki is using Velveeta for a "yummy mac and cheese." (Is the purposeful use of positive modifiers in naming her food supposed to be subliminal?)

Richard is thinking about the judges and can't be bothered with what the crowd would want.

Silent But Deadly Stephanie decides to change her dessert and top it with a fried wonton with Mexican sugar.

Team Sexy thinks they have it in the bag.

Andrew: "Do you smell that? ... Success!"

Chef Zoi is miffed that she's charged with making a pasta salad, as there isn't much left to do. She's worried.

When Judge Tom checks in on our teams, Nikki discusses her "yummy" offering and tells him about their planned "sexy" drink. (Again with the modifiers!)

Tom: "What makes that sexy?"

Nikki: "The lavender."

Tom: "Lavender is sexy?"

Sure! I know I always get hot and bothered whenever I enter an old lady's frilly powder room! The thought of hand-knit toilet paper cozies is enough to make me a raging beast!'

Abercrombie Chef Ryan discusses his Waldorf salad and proudly tells Tom how he's eschewing mayonnaise. Tom reminds him that it's the mayo that keeps it fresh.

Power Lesbian Chef Jennifer steps in to say that, um, the roasted apples will provide the creamy element. Let's see how that works out!

Chef "I Cook With Heart, Damnit" Erik is worried that his corn dogs will get soggy being stored in a steamer and then sitting before finally being served. (Er, wouldn't that factor into your decision to make them in the first place?)

Off to the block party! Cue the Dixieware® and Kingsford® products!

Team Sexy is all hopped up on its own intoxicating sexiness. Team Blue is more focused, making sure they plate peoples food for them. (Ten points in my book, as I loathe buffets. But I digress.)

But what's this? Nikki's mac and cheese is a solid mess! ... And here come the judges!

Padma tries some of Spike's brûléed "S'mores On A Stick" and gets it down her front. Instantly I'm reminded of John Waters' A Dirty Shame (rent it!) and folks with a fetish for women spilling food on themselves. (I'm weird that way.)

The crowd seems to love most of the offerings, but are less than impressed with the Erik's heart-imbued soggy corn dogs, and Richard's "paella." They loved Dale's shish kabobs and Team Sexy's sliders.

In a classic "What's that I smell? Hubris!" moment, we see Team Sexy palling around with the neighborhood kids and drinking beer while Team Blue lives up  to its name thinking they've been "demolished."

Judges' Table: Team Blue is called in first. Team Sexy is mad pissed. (And not just because they're still drinking beers.)

Andrew: "That was not a loss in any fucking way, shape or form!"

Dude, I love you, but you need to chill.

At Judges' Table, Team Blue is told they only narrowly won and that the judges hated some things. They ask Nikki of the Silly Lady Hats what she made.

Nikki: "I made the lovely mac and cheese."

Lovely. A lovely brick.

Tom says that Richard's paella was more of a rice pilaf and gets Paper Chase on him about what makes a paella a paella.

Everyone loved Stephanie's dessert and she wins her second Elimination Challenge, which prompts viewers to give her the edge on Hillary Clinton.

Enter the well-lubricated Team Sexy.

No references it it being a close contest now. It's all about Erik's soggy corn dogs, Ryan's too chewy Waldorf salad and Zoi's oily pasta salad.

Asked about their menu choices, Spike shoves his foot down his gullet saying that the judges have more sophisticated palates than their audience, the neighborhood folk. Bad move, buddy.

A puddle forms below Chef Zoi as she sweats profusely at the prospect of going out for making something as mundane as pasta salad.

Finally, My Dear Sexy Twitch goes completely off the deep end. (Not a long trip, I'll grant you.)

He says that if they're going to eliminate him for his food this time they'll have to "drag (him) out of here with security guards! This is my house!"

Bud, I'm nuts about you, but lay off the sauce if you can't handle it. Here, let me comfort you.

Anyhoo ...

Ryan and Zoi dodge the ax and Erik is told to pack up his heart and knives and go.

"Yeah? Well, who needs your stupid, not-soulful competition anyways!? ¡Viva la revalución!"

(I made that one up.)

Next Time On Top Chef: Andrew confuses people by doing something on his knees. I can only dream what it is.