Project Runway, Season 5: Grass Is Always Greener (Or, The Battle Of The Green Sashays)

Project Runway, Season 5
Episode: Grass Is Always Greener (Or, The Battle Of The Green Sashays)
July 23, 2008

Previously on Project Runway: We met the designers. They went shopping for materials at a grocery store and Austin Scarlett won with a corn husk dress that came apart as it came down the catwalk. ... Um, no. I guess it wasn't a re-run. Instead we saw a tattooed Buckeye win and witnessed a lady that looked like Cher in her Black Rose period wrestling with garbage bags and a perhaps-Asian guy scaring everyone with serial killer-chic. He went home first.

We open at the Atlas Apartments for the required "oh my, someone has left" footage. This week, the quote is provided by Suede (Theme Song: Destiny's Child - "Say My Name") who seems amazed that people get eliminated around here. Oh, and he would like to remind everyone that Suede speaks in the third person. This will be a theme.

Over at the women's apartment Stella (Theme Song: Patti Smith - "Piss Factory"), looking more and more like a demented Pippi Longstocking Gone Goth, is feeding something organic to Terri (Theme Song: Dinah Washington - "It's Too Soon To Know"). Hmm, I wonder if organic or "green" will have anything to do with today's episode.

And then we're on the runway, where Heidi trots out the button bag for model picks. Since we don't know the models yet, this isn't terribly exciting. All we get out of it is that the models have some seriously odd names, that one or two designers are switching out their girls and that, at the end of this exercise, the model who wore the pasta dress made by Joe (Theme Song: Heart - "Straight On") is out.

Oh, and Leanne (Theme Song: Anything by Lisa Loeb) thinks her model is "awesome."

Heidi tells the stitchers that they will be making a cocktail dress for their models, but leaves it to Tim Gunn to let them in on the catch back in the workroom.

Once back in the workroom, The "Make It Work" Maven springs it on them: They will be using environmentally responsible textiles, part of the "green" theme hinted at earlier. Wow. Big twist.

But wait ... there's one more thing. The models will be the ones buying the materials for the dresses at Mood without help from the designers. Here's where we have our first designer freakout and our first interviews with the models. (I'm sorry, ladies. I'm still getting up on the 32 designers, I have no room in my noggin for your names and personalities. You're all stunning and I'm sure you're "strong walkers," but I can't handle any more information.)

Stella is afraid that her model won't have her keen eye for trashy biker wear fabrics.

At Mood, the ladies grab whatever is shiny and run around as fast as their skinny legs will allow.

Tim brings the models back and gives them 30 minutes to "caucus." Most everyone is in a lather about what their girls brought back.

Keith (Theme Song: Right Said Fred - "I'm Too Sexy") is frustrated that his model brought back peacock feathers for some reason. Also, gauging from his new gangsta look, he seems to be the Crips' newest pledge.

In the midst of all this, Suede tells us that he's going to "put Suede into" green fashion. But in my mind that makes it, by definition, no longer "green," no?

Stella talks about her "earthy" model whose name she thinks is "Candle." (I gather it's actually "Kendall.") She feel that the young lady does not share her "urban," or "NASCAR-enthusiast" aesthetic.

Later, Emily (Theme Song for lack of anything distinctive: Hot Chocolate - "Emma") tells us that the dyes the fashion industry pumps into the environment are "gnarly." Also, the situation in Darfur is particularly "not cool, dude."

Seeking some camera time with which to torture the viewers, the precancerous Blayne (Theme Song: a-ha - "The Sun Always Shines On T.V.") sports a ridiculous braid, calls Heidi "Darth Vader" for some reason, and attaches the suffix "-licious" to more words in hopes of starting a trend.

The "hot, gay, nerd action" known as Wesley (Theme Song: Royal Teens - "Short Shorts") laments to Joe about the hideous brown shiny satin that he (and two others) are stuck with. Plus, he adds, there isn't nearly enough of it.

And while Kenley (Theme Song: anything by The Andrews Sisters) is worried that many of the designers wound up with the same  fabric, Korto (Theme Song: Michael Jackson - "Liberian Girl") is unconcerned. She's focusing on the fact that her model is curvy. As such, she wants to sew a giant neon sign that points at the girl's ass.

Moments later, we're back with Suede going on about Suede. It seems that Suede is cutting up strips of the icky fabric to make a cool woven pattern. Suede is also getting on everyone's last nerve with his Suede-ness.

Suede is going to get kicked in the teeth if he keeps this up.

Leanne then realizes that she, Wesley and Joe each have been saddled with that awful shiny brown fabric. So, to stand out, she will try to distract the judges from the fabric by adding to her dress some 31 curlicues of the exact same fabric. Sounds like a plan.

This is when Korto starts to doubt herself. She examines the disaster Wesley is creating and is fearful that it looks to much like her own mess. She goes around to each of the designers, including some girl named Jennifer (Theme Song: The Who - "Who Are You?") and asks them what they think.

Tim arrives for his check-in.

He sees Kenley's progress and advises her to "carry on."

He approaches Korto's dressform and is liking it ... that is, until he realizes it isn't inside out; that's the way it's supposed to look. He hesitates and then says he likes it anyways. He does warn that it could be a "hot mess" is she's not careful.

Somewhere Amy Poehler giggles like Christian Siriano.

Tim is impressed with Suede's Dress O'Strips but is concerned about Wesley's shiny creation, which is showing every stitch. He's also worried about Leann's dress and can't tell what the two dozen fabric embellishments she's added are supposed to be.

He also has an announcement: The winner won't get immunity, but will have their dress manufactured and sold on some random web site. I believe he said it was virtual-bubblewrap.com.

Korto is excited about that, since it's "way better than immunity." And, somehow, Suede has reverted back to using the first person in interviews (probably after the interviewers threatened to cross-stitch his face if he kept up that moronic affectation).

Tim also tells the designers that "one of Hollywood's most glamorous young stars" will be tonight's guest judge. Kenley says that it is important to make an impression on young Hollywood, since her goal is to design exclusively for pantieless vixens at Hyde.

At twelve to midnight, Radio Reloj Stella begins her "Ode To Lethah." It's a delightful ditty full of mirth and light with its invocations of grommets and awls.

"I just wanna sew leatha," she exudes. "Burn it up, dye it up, grommet it, pyramid it, stud it. I wanna make my letha."

Sadly, the folks in the sewing room could hear it and weren't quite so impressed. Blayne, quite comically, makes fun of her. But when Kelli (Theme Song: Simple Minds - "Don't You (Forget About Me)") lets on about what's happening, ole' lethaface figures she owes Blayne a spanking. (With a letha strap, I'm sure.)

Next, it's the day of the runway show and we (and by that, I mean "I") get to enjoy a shirtless Wesley ironing his preppy outfit for the day. We notice that Keith actually sports a ludicrous rattail on the back of his head. We also learn that there's a designer called Daniel (Theme Song: Cast of Seussical - "Notice Me, Horton").

Back at the workroom, we see everyone scramble to finish in time. Tim arrives and asks how everyone is doing. Suede retorts with a languid, "Dandy-lions!" (Very hot, Suede. You're a regular chick magnet.)

Tim, worried that they won't finish in time, insists they "make it work."

The models arrive and Blayne goes for another "-licious" reference, forcing me to stick another pin in my week-old melanoma-ed voodoo doll.

Jerell (Theme Song: Madonna - "Vogue") takes one look at Wesley, Joe and Leann's dresses and deems them "Team Ugly Brown Fabric," a conclusion which seems to be shared by at least one of the girls wearing one of the shiny creations.

Putting the finishing touches on his dress, Suede decides that, threats to his future health aside, he's going back to talking about Suede in the third person.

During the break we see that there's a Bravo show coming involving emaciated celebrity stylist Rachel Zöe and the word "die." I hope we get to see that happen.

Time for the runway show! Heidi runs though the usual script and introduces us to the special guest judge, an empty director's chair! Nah, it's Queen Amadala. All hail the queen!

As a smoky-eyed Natalie Portman emerges, I wait for someone to say, "She's so tiny! I could carry her around in my pocket and take her out and look at her when I wanted to see something pretty!" Suede, being the season's biggest loon, comes closest to that "Daniel from Shear Genius" sentiment and wins my boobie prize.

And here are the looks:

Keith's look: A cocktail dress carrying a poopie load.

Terri's look: A pretty slammin' purple cocktail dress with a ruffled collar and black, patterned waist-band. Lovely.

Wesley's look: Worse than my darkest fear. A puckered hooker outfit that looks like it was sewn by the blind.

Jerell's look: Borderline insane blue halter-top number, made worse by the addition of peacock feathers to the hem and the use of those same feathers as earrings.

Jennifer's look: Orange and grey Grecian-ish number. Kinda cute, but doesn't stand out in any way.

Daniel's look: Relatively simple black dress which (we know from watching) was barely finished in time. Maybe that's why he told his model to keep her hands in the pockets. Perhaps to hold the skirt up?

Joe's look: That same shiny brown satin. Only this one looks like an actual dress. Plus, it fits. Sadly, there isn't anything interesting about it, though.

Suede's look: A daring little party dress with the strips of yellow (?) and red woven together to make something really exciting. Paired with a poofy skirt, it seems clear that we're going to be hearing Suede discuss the essence of Suede-ness for at least another couple of weeks.

Kenley's look: A super-glamorous cocktail dress in a champagne color with a very high, ruffled collar and black waist. Wow.

Kelli's look: Cute little dress, using that same yellow fabric around the neck. Nice, but forgettable.

Leanne's look: Again with the shiny brown dress up to the model's pupik. This time, one's embellished with all the remnants of the others.

Stella's look: The return of the yellow fabric. But this dress is an off-the shoulder, asymmetrical number with a lace-up side. It should be in "letha," but it's not. That's what makes it interesting.

Blayne's look: Hot pink and black. Perfect for your everyday Tila Tequila.

Emily's look: Two inches of fabric covering six feet of model. What there is looks nice enough.

Korto's look: A mustard-colored dress that looks inside out. And the darn thing's got wings. Or are they tailfins off a '72 El Dorado? I can't tell.

The judges send away everyone but Kenley, Wesley, Stella, Leann, Suede and Korto. It's pretty obvious who's on top and who's on the bottom.

During the inquisition, Kenley reveals that her neck piece was hand-sewn, which makes it a "couture cocktail dress." Wesley gets horrible marks, even if Natalie Portman tries to be kind. While Natalie hates asymmetrical clothes, she's vaguely complimentary about Stella's.

Everyone wonders why Korto would do what she did to a girl's butt with her dress. Natalie adores Suede's dress and says that she'd wear it. And everyone finds it very innovative.

And Leanne's garment even disappoints her model with Michael Kors calling it "five dresses in one."

The judges send them away to deliberate. Afterwards, they call them back in for their verdict.

First the tops: Kenley, Stella and Suede. Stella's in. And the winner of the challenge is ... Suede.

Suede is happy. Suede blows air kisses. Suede "fuckin' rocked it." Suede talks about how Mama Suede and the little Chammoix will be so proud.

And then the bottoms: Leann, Korto and Wesley. Korto's safe.

Going home is ... Wesley. (Nooooo! My hot gay nerd action! Why did you have to make such an abomination? Can you make a Wesley calender for '09. Pretty please?)

Next on Project Runway: Raincoats. A field trip. Tim threatens to slit his wrists. And "toilet paper caught in a windstorm."