Project Runway: Fashion That Drives You (To Buy Our Product!)

Project Runway: Fashion That Drives You (To Buy Our Product!)
Episode: Fashion That Drives You (To Buy Our Product!)
August 27, 2008

Previously on Project Runway: Chis March appeared as a disco-ball-accessorized Wagnerian diva and charged the dressmakers with making outfits for drag queens. Joe uses his magical straight-guy skills and made a spangly pink sailor suit for his illusionist. Daniel made a sad little cha-cha dress that was too cocktail and not “over the top” enough. Keith made a sad chicken. And Daniel was finally ejected to go be with former contestant Wesley (who by all rights should be my boyfriend, damnit.)


After our obligatory shot of one of the emaciated Olsen twins on the cover of Sponsor Magazine, we see the designers at the Atlas "the morning after" and have our requisite “wow, I can’t believe (insert loser name here) is gone.”

This week’s it’s illustrated by by Designer Keith (Voted “Most Likely to Dress Despondent Poultry” ) who wakes to next to an empty (and still unmade!) bed where Daniel used to sleep.

Keith tells us that he misses his buddy. But more importantly, he’s at a total loss as to why he was in the bottom two last time. He will not let this happen again!

Everyone leaves for Parsons with nary a “-licious” on the way out the door. We are most relieved.

We arrive at the runway and Heidi appears wearing a dress which was clearly the winner of some “turn a striped, chain-gang uniform into a cocktail dress” challenge somewhere.

Now who knows why the hell she has that damn bag? Since we know it’s never going to be used.

Heidi explains that this model-swap-which-isn’t-a-model-swap will be “different” because last week the models weren’t used at all. Hence, there are two models who had been paired with ejected designers and are in need of dismissal.

And seeing as Designer Joe (Voted “Most Likely To Do The Funky Chicken In A Borrowed Brassiere”) won with his model, Tapioca Topacio, he ain’t changin’. This week’s “why the fuck should I change what’s working” excuse is: “I want to keep the peace.”

So the sad power-dieters are sent off to walk strong for someone else.

Heidi then tells the gang to go to the roof of some random building near Hell’s Kitchen to  receive their next challenge.

“Time’s ticking,” she says as they rush out of the room.

Hmm. Why am I thinking that they’ll be working with clocks or something? Doesn’t she drop hints like that here?

As they make their way to their mystery locale, the designers speculate as to what it will be. Designer Blayne (Voted “Most Likely To Flee Zoltron To Forge A New Life On Earth As A UV Craving Catchphraseologist”) thinks that they may be designing for a superstar. He thinks it may involve “exclusive rooftop style.”

Joe wonders if they’re going to someone’s penthouse. Maybe it’s Mariah Carey’s. Well, if it is, they certainly won’t need much fabric.

They arrive at the building and realize it’s a parking garage. Now they’re worried. Designer Kenley (Voted “Most Likely To Give Bess Truman A Makeover”) is positively scared, feeling like she’s in a haunted house.

Designer Korto (Voted “Most Likely To Escape Ritual Circumcision”) thinks that maybe there’s a roof party. Oh, darlin’, it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

On the way up in the service elevator, they start singing “The Roof Is On Fire,” but we never get to see Keith and Kenley shouting the line, “We don’t need no water, let the motherfucker burn! Burn, motherfucker, burn!”

Hey, it would have been funny.

The doors open onto a rooftop filled with ... cars. More specifically, a fleet of (insert name of car company which paid for this shindig {CCWPFTS}) cars.

“What are we going to use a car for?” asks Blayne.

Synergy and corporate branding, silly. What else?

Tim is standing there waiting for them and is “delighted” to introduce Chris Webb, “lead color designer” for (CCWPFTS).

I have to ask. “Lead color designer?” For a car company?  So there are others? And that’s a full-time position? Is there a major for this at universities now?

Anyways, this Chris Webb with the improbable job gives us a quick pitch for the Sponsorific car, noting that it is made of 75% recycled materials. So everyone go out tomorrow and check them out at your local dealers!

Now that we’ve gotten that out the way, let’s see if we can fashion this commercial into something we can consider an interesting challenge. Recycling! Yes, that’s an idea. We’ll go with that.

The corporate shill tells the gang that they have filled the cars with recycled materials which are used to make the cars and they will have to make an outfit of their choice with them.

Designer Terri (Voted “Most Likely To Be Salutatorian Throughout Life”) wonders how she’s going to take apart car parts without a blowtorch.

Tim explains that this will be a second “innovation” challenge since the designers so totally sucked at the last one. And it’s just a complete coincidence that they couldn’t think of any other way to work in the sponsor’s product without resorting to a second “innovation” challenge.

“It’s your second chance to wow us,” Tim says. With a straight face.

The designers are given rolling carts and bags and four minutes to save the world to collect their materials from the cars.

“Go! Go! Go!”  commands The Gunn.

As they rush around, Kenley grabs car mats and seat covers, without even having an idea what it is that she will be creating.

Blayne, meanwhile, thinks that seat belts are beautiful and is already getting inspiration from them since he routinely uses them to communicate with his home planet.

Joe figures that since he’s from the Motor City, he has the edge here. “This is right up my alley,” he declares. If you say so. Who are we to disagree with such logic? I’m from Miami, so I should be good at a coke smuggling challenge then.

Designer Jerell (Voted “Most Likely To Coach Catwalking On America’s Next Top Model”) picks a collection of dashboard accessories and a busted headlight.

“Maybe I can make it into a brooch,” he suggests.

Paging Johnny from Airplane! Call for Johnny on line two!

Designer Suede (Voted “Most Likely To Be Damaged If Washed In Hot Water”) grabs a seat cover, a carburetor and a light. He finds it all to be ... wait for it ...  “Wackadoodle.”

Seems I’ve heard that somewhere before.

Meanwhile, Designer Stella (Voted “Most Likely To OD Behind CBGB’s”) is feeling quite superior about the whole thing. She must be mad about not getting that “biker challenge” of her dreams because she’s refusing to rush about to gather the goods. Well, that’s a plan.

Tim calls time and everyone heads back to Parsons to start work.

With no clue as to what they’re going to create, the designers start piecing together the random pieces of corporate promotion which will serve as their creation.

Tim tells the contestants that the winner of this challenge will get immunity (since there’s no way to work a dress made of car parts into a crappy NBC show). He reminds them that it’s "all about innovation" and urges them to have fun.

Korto gets to planning, while Kenley jumps right in with gusto, eagerly smashing a light against the ground and marveling that it broke.

“Yes! Cool!” chirps the diabolical maiden.

Manly Joe says he’s all excited about using non-traditional fabrics, using manly protective gear and manly tools to make a pretty dress.

Blayne, too, is smashing shit, breaking things to see what they look like inside. He promises his dress will be “very experimental.” When he’s done he’s going to add his unused items to a Speak-N-Spell and an umbrella in order to craft a gizmo which will let him “phone home.”

Keith, meanwhile, is still bothered that the nasty ole’ judges were mean to him last time and didn’t understand his wondrous drag queen piñata creation. So this time, he promises to make something more tailored and toned-down.

Stella is also having trouble. “I don’t know what to do,” she declares. She tells us she doesn’t want to make a leather dress, but since she’s grommeted every damn thing she’s done so far, she feels she needs to do something different this time.

“I’m trying to let ideas come into my head,” she says.

Well, they would be awfully lonely.

Suede’s plan is to make an outfit out of floor mats and assorted “wackadoodle,” the latter item being a last-minute addition since he feels that Blayne is nosing ahead in the Annoying Catchphrase Derby. Showing how badly Suede wants to win, Suede explains that Suede has cuts and blisters on his hands from working on said “wackadoodle.”

Suede declares that he is giving “blood for fashion. ... And I’m bleeding it, baby!”

Which begs the question, does Suede bleed or just lose tiny fibers?

Later, we see that Stella is still stymied, upset that this challenge is “really not my thing.” So, she resolves to “step outside the box.” See, everyone expects her to make leather pants out of what she’s collected, so instead she'll be making a skirt out of seat belt straps which she says will be “really pretty” (probably like that strapped jacket she was forced to wear once).

Back at World Of Suede, the blue-striped “bisexual” is experiencing another visit from beyond, though not quite as severe as last week’s psychic episode. He tells us how his dead father is watching from above and is joyful that his girly son is finally taking an interest in cars. Spectral figures have to take joy where they can find it, you know.

As they continue work, we see Korto weaving seat belts into a day-to-evening coat. And Kenley wonders why everyone is using seat belts, wary that seat belts may be the equivalent of the tablecloths everyone used in the first challenge. So, trying to do something different, she sets about hand-drawing a zebra print on air filters which will fashion a skirt.

Suede finds it “awesome.”

Blayne decides that he’s making a flowing evening gown out of ... seat belts. But since the stiff fabric is screwing up the sewing machines, he ends up having to re-execute his vision. It is most not fabu-licious.

As Leanne works on her garment, she also realizes that seat belts are “the new black” and figures that she’ll use them in a completely different manner. Since Jerell has declared that Leanne’s dress looks like a dominatrix, you can’t help but wonder if that different manner is a, well, more traditional for belts.

And now it’s time for our regularly scheduled improv comedy moment. As always, this will be led by the comedy team of Stella and Blayne.

We will be free associating with car mats and ‘70s/’80s movies. Stella? You have two seconds. Go!

Stella drapes it over her head. “Planet of the Apes?”

OK, but you would have gotten extra points if you would have incorporated the “damn dirty apes” line.

Blayne?

He puts it on, Darth Vader-style “Luke, I am your faaaather!”

OK, it’s a tie. And we’ll be back after this word from Turtle Wax.

Tim arrives and sends the models in for a fitting. And he has bad news for Kenley:  It seems that her model, Shannon, has dropped out of the competition. Like Keith’s original model a few episodes back, she’s left the show in protest that this show makes models look flighty and undependable.

So, Kenley will have to work with the no-longer-ejected model Jermaine. This makes Kenley collapse and want to give up, since she’s never forgiven him for leaving the Jackson 5 in the mid-’70s. When she realizes that she’s actually getting a model and not a washed-up R&B singer, she bucks up and resolves to soldier on.

Still, Kenley’s original model and her replacement walking clothes hanger have different bodies, so Kenley will have to change a lot. She’s mad.

Folks step in to defend model Shannon and Kenley’s still perturbed. “I can be mad,” she pouts and continues her freak-out.

Tim arrives for his mid-show check-in and “make it work”-athon.

At Blayne’s work station, Tim is called “Tim-licious” by the rapidly fading alien from the planet Tanlandia. (One needs to keep a step ahead of Suede in the catchphrase derby, you know.) Tim wonders what will be giving the seat belt gown shape. The model? Because you know fashion models don’t tend to have shape. At least not the three-dimensional kind found in nature.

Tim advises Blayne to “Go, go, go!”

“Love your face,” Blayne quips back, again trying in vain to get Tim to partake in some extraterrestrial, meth-y strangeness. Tim wisely moves on to look in on Jerell.

Tim’s impressed with the plastic thingamabobs that Jerell has attached to the sides and front of his garment, calling them “very futuristic.”

Tim also is loving Korto’s seat-belt coat with its high collar and “wave pattern.” He’s enjoying the ‘60s mod silhouette and urges her to “go, go go!”

When he asks Stella how she’s doing, she reports that she’s trying to deliver something “unexpected” (or rather, “good, for a change”). She’s making a high-waited skirt out of seat belts. But Tim is concerned that it doesn’t go far enough and urges her to commit.

He is, however, really excited about Leanne’s dress, seeing how she’s used the dreaded seat belts differently, turning them into a ruffly fringe.

Tim then checks on Keith, who is still playing the “let’s second-guess the judges” game and working on his un-Keith-y creation. Tim tells him he has to “believe” it’s going to work and not focus so much on the judges.

Tim leaves them to their work, saying that he is “extremely excited” about what he’s seeing.

As midnight approaches, Terri gets punchy and starts ragging on Korto’s coat, calling it a “scarecrow” that looks like Jeepers Creepers, some character from a horror movie which no one has seen. This causes Terri to fall on the floor with laughter.

Jerell is not amused. “Terri has two faces and four patterns,” he tells us. “I don’t trust the bitch.”

Jerell belongs on Big Brother.

As the time runs short, nerves get frayed and machines start breaking down. Finally, Keith snaps to no one in particular that if anyone gets on his machine, not to “fuck it up.”

Blayne is bothered by this display of Keithitude.

“I’m here to win,” Keith tells us. “You feel that everyone is here to win; I just feel that I deserve it more than the others.”

Yes, a good sense of entitlement is just what’s called for here.

Next, it’s night back at the Atlas and we must pause for another undisclosed commercial break.

This time it’s for a portable device.

Having been handed said portable device by the producers, Stella gets to be today’s shill-o-the-day and is allowed one phone call home (using the brightly logoed portable device which shall remain unnamed). She calls her soulmate, one William Ratbones. And with a given appellation like “Ratbones,” it would seem it was his destiny to hook up with the vision of loveliness that is Stella.

Commercial non-break over.

In the morning, we see everyone get ready for the big day and Korto threaten to beat up the judges if her work lands her in the bottom three. Quickly, Stella dons her Seussical leggings and they all head back to Parsons.

Once there, Tim sends in the models and, seeing that everyone has much work yet to do, urges them to “work like there’s no tomorrow.”

Somewhere in the audience, Paula Abdul perks up.

“Go! Go! Go!” Tim implores. “Work! Work! Work!”

Why am I suddenly getting visions of Tim Gunn as the choreographer in Showgirls? “Thrust! Thrust! Thrust!” ... Maybe it’s just me.

The models amble in and the last-minute scramble begins. In the midst of it all, Keith puts his stick into her dress and we hear him tell her that she “can’t sit in it.”

So you know what’s bound to happen.

When she comes back in after visiting the Sponsorship Hair & Makeup Room, she points out that she’s torn the dress. Someone made her sit down.

“I knew you were going to sit down,” Keith retorts, helpfully.

He tells us that he is pissed that his model couldn’t follow a simple instruction and resolves to figure out how to overcome this catastrophe. Adding that he knows it’s a competition for the models, he points out there’s “more at stake for me.”

I can’t say I disagree with him there. Even if he is a pill.

Everyone rushes around and, at the last moment, we see Leanne making a truly brilliant decision. Since her model doesn’t have any of the curves normally found on earth women, she’s going to give the model some by stuffing the model’s panties with mashed-up muslin.

Tim shepherds everyone out and Keith reminds his model that, under no circumstances is she to sit down ... or breathe.

On to the runway!

But first ... (©Julie Chen Enterprises) Bravo asks us “Which designer would you like to hop in the backseat with? a.) Blayne, b.) Kenley, c.) All of them.

Yep. It's official. Bravo has officially clocked out.

At the runway, Heidi does the usual challenge recap and introduces the judges, regular tangerine-colored judge and full-time mensch Michael Kors, glorious Season 3 contestant and professional baby-maker Laura Bennett and the guest judge, “celebrity” stylist cum raisin and star of the newest Bravo show I will be ignoring, Rachel Zoe.

Now, on with the show!

Jerell: Using seat covers, carpet and plastic car innards, he’s made a mini dress which would fit in just perfectly around the hookers on Blayne’s home planet.

Keith: It’s a dress. And, yes, it doesn’t look like it was made from car parts. And not much else.

Terri: OK, I love my gal Ter’, but pants again? I love ‘em, but some variety would be nice here. Made out of a seat cover and leather, the look seems like the biker outfit of Stella’s fever dreams.

Kenley: It’s a cute outfit, but the only really interesting part of it is the Judy Jetson skirt made from air filters. Kenley reminds us that she had to make a million crazy adjustments for her replacement model.

Leanne: Wow. A very sexy, very polished black dress with a fun silhouette out of seat covers, cushions and seat belts as trim.

Suede: Something made of floor mats and sun visors. I can’t concentrate on it due to Suede’s telling us how he bled and cried all over it.

Korto: It’s pretty much just a coat. But what a coat! In the outfit the model looks like a member of the Army of Terracotta Soldiers in China. Seat belts were never so hot!

Blayne: He’s made an evening gown almost entirely of seat belts, with the hem a collection of flapping straps and broken glass collected from mirrors and lights have been attached at the neckline. I don’t know how I feel about this.

Joe: Using seat cushions, he’s made a “motorcross dress.” It reminds me too much of his not-Olympic skort thing.

Stella: More seat belts. This time as a skirt. On top it has a “racing style” vest. She reminds us that she’s “stepping outside of the box.” I think keeping Stella in a box isn’t altogether a bad idea.

Heidi calls forward ... Terri, Suede, Joe and Kenley.

Middle of the pack, right?

Yep, they’re safe. Suede departs with his makes-me-wanna-break-his-fingers kissing his fingers and tossing his Suede-y thanks at the judges.

During the inquisition, we learn that ...

• Jerell packed many more hats in his luggage than we expected.

• Being as she has an allergy to clothing touching her thighs, Heidi finds Jerell’s dress “exciting.”

• Blayne must have had his wisdom teeth extracted recently, because he’s looking more like a chipmunk than usual.

• Michael Kors does not care for “car wash skirts.”

• In Germany, all “bad luck” superstitions must involve the deprivation of coitus, since Heidi warns Blayne that his broken mirror accents will result in “seven years no sex.”

• Heidi actually thinks that this would change what would happen anyway.

• The raisin-y guest judge wants to shoplift Korto’s coat.

• The judges are impressed with Leanne’s outfit and think it could go “straight to Paris.” (We only hope they mean the city.)

• Stella is not only “outside the box” but also “outside (her) comfort zone.”

• Keith thinks making something look like it wasn’t made from the inside of a car is enough.

• Keith feels that he’s being called out for his model’s stupid mistake.

• Keith feels unappreciated.

• Keith feels picked on.

• Keith can’t tell the difference between a “sad chicken” and a “drowsy chicken.”

• Michael Kors thinks Keith mistakes criticism for insults.

• Michael Kors thinks Keith is full of shit.

The designers are sent away so the judges can snark out of earshot.

Kors is impressed that people “really stepped up to the plate,” fulfilling one of this season’s previously designated cliché requirements.

The judges clearly liked Jerell’s, Korto’s and Leanne’s designs. Not so much Stella’s mismatched creation, Blayne’s broken glassicious (Damn! Now he has me doing it!) “too many ideas” gown and Keith’s boring number. They all have serious issues with Keith’s attitude.

Slamming tattoo boy for pinning blame on his model and the his critics, Kors declares, “The simple truth is, you’re in charge of your own destiny.”

I believe he has that embroidered on a pillow at home.

They call the six back out.

They send Jerell to sashay back safety. We’ll get to see a new jaunty hat from him next week.

And the winner is ... Leanne! She is overjoyed at her first win and will get immunity next time.

They send Korto off with a pat on the back. I look to see if I can see her going off to put security tags in her coat so The Zoe doesn’t pinch it once the cameras stop rolling.

They send Blayne away to safety. He blinks a secret message to the Crab Nebula and exits.

This leaves Stella and Keith.

Heidi smacks each on the nose with a copy of Elle, saying that Keith’s dress was “boring” and “poorly crafted,” and Stella’s was “disconnected” and “too simple.”

Stella’s ... in. Which means Keith is out.

“No worries,” he says, unconvincingly. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

Kors makes a face.

“No tears,” says Keith, tears streaming down his face. As with a few designers in seasons past, Keith is most upset that he’s been sent home for having presented something which wasn’t his “aesthetic.” This, of course, begs the question, “Then what made you want that to be what you sent down the runway?”

“No worries,” he repeats. He says he knows he’ll be a showing at Fashion Week someday.

And I’m sure there will be a lot of gayboys who will be lined up for front row seats. Best of luck, bud!

Next time on Project Runway: A fashion legend: Dianne Von Furstenburg. Kenley feels pressure. Terri says she’s screwed. And Kors discusses every woman’s nightmare.