Friday, August 15, 2008

Project Runway, Season 5: Welcome To The Jungle (Or, If You Mention It Enough They Will Watch, Won't They?)

Project Runway, Season 5:
Episode: Welcome To The Jungle (Or, If You Mention It Enough They Will Watch, Won't They?)
August 13, 2008

Previously On Project Runway: In a sly bid for NBC corporate synergy the designers were charged with making an outfit to be worn by make-believe athletes at a make-believe 2008 Olympic™ games taking place in a parallel universe where the USOC would take such a risk. Korto made a sporty, modern outfit and won the challenge and immunity. It is said that there was a woman named Jennifer who was kicked off for making a demure, decidedly non-sporty dress. But I don't remember any supposed "Jennifer."



As always, we open at the Atlas where no one seems to remember whether or not anyone was kicked off last week. What we do know is that Designer Korto (fun fact: named after both the ancient Roman senator Korto and Korto, Inspector Clouseau's manservant) is thrilled with having immunity in this week's challenge. We also get to see Designer Keith ("Personality-Free Since '07") bench-pressing a Buick while Designer Daniel (recently named U.S. ambassador to the Republic of Cocktail-land) does chest-presses with some heavy Number 2 Ticonderogas.

As the boys leave for Parsons, Designer Blayne (the leader of the sun-damaged hoodie brigade) exits with Blaynism #16, "Team Drama-liciou--"

I'm not sure what, if anything was said right after, since, at that moment I blew an air-horn right into my left ear canal. (I'm keeping one by the remote now, just for moments like this.)

On the runway, Heidi shows up with her magic velvet bag for our favorite Runway time-waster: the "model pick" (which is, of course, not a model pick, since no one ever exchanges models). Korto, the winner last week, sticks with her ambulatory coat rack and the other model (who walked for this alleged "Jennifer") goes back home to binge on some tasty celery and air.

For the next challenge, Heidi tells the designers that they will be designing for "a high-powered, glamorous, professional woman." Blayne says some idiocy about a particular powerful woman known for her leadership and pant suits.

In the workroom, the speculation about who this "professional woman" is continues, with guesses of "Your Hostess With The Mostest" Heidi Klum, raging cable loon Nancy Grace and "one more facelift and she'll have a goatee" stick figure, Joan Rivers. Designer Stella (Now appearing in her one-woman show: If I Had A Hammer) goes through her mental Rolodex for famous "professional women" who are leather-adjacent and says she wants it to be Sharon Osborne.

Tim appears, gathers the designers and introduces this week's Mystery Client. It's ... Brooke "Tom Cruise can bite me" Shields! Everyone is thrilled.

(Quick side note: What is it with the continuity here? We see hoods on Keith and Blayne appear, dissapear, reappear and occasionally even see the hoodies vanish entirely. Does someone need to do a "goofs" entry on IMDB for this?)

Challenge:

The challenge will be to design a look for Brooke's character, Not-Carrie Bradshaw, on the NBC Series, Crappy HBO Knockoff Designed To Sell Crap To Straight Women & Gay Men (CHKDTSCTSW&GM). Brooke tells the gang that season two of
CHKDTSCTSW&GM is going to be different. See, Not-Carrie is getting this new PowerBook ...

The designers get a dossier on Not-Carrie with lots and lots of pictures of her in Not-Cashmere Mafia
so we can all get a gander at the fabulous looks seen on the show with the desirable demographics. (Obviously, none of the designers watch it either, since they're as new to the idea as anyone.)

The one pertinent, non-pluggy detail Brooke outlines is that the look they design will have to carry the Not-Carrie character from day to night. Then Tim drops the dreaded bombshell: they will be working in teams of two. Cue the "under the bus" -o-meter!

The designers will have a half hour to sketch and then will pitch their ideas to Pretty Baby Brooke. From those, she will pick six designs she wants to see created. The remaining six will be assigned as  helpers, or "dead weight," to the winning six.

Amid the shots of  Not-Carrie, we see the designers tell us about their vision. Daniel tells us that since his parents are from Morocco and Israel, he has seen "how varied women can be in different cultures." So, as long as desert wear is involved, he's set.

The Pitch:

  • Designer Suede (still running second in the "Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout Willis?"  Catchphrase Invitational) offers something that he promises won't be 1800. (I assume that's the year and not the weight she would look wearing it.)
  • Designer Kelli (tanned, rested and ready after her two-episode vacation) offers a world of animal print. Brooke thinks it's a cute play on the title of The Series That Dare Not Speak Its Name, but fears it could be too much.
  • Designer Kenley (aka Mistress Gigglepuss) presents something which Brooke thinks will help camouflage her enormous backside.
  • Designer Terri (two-time runway robbery victim) impresses Brenda Starr with pants.
  • Blayne thinks Bermuda shorts would work for day and evening.
  • Daniel offers Brooke a cosmo.
  • Keith employs his first-episode strategy of kissing ass to get ahead by telling Suddenly Susan that she has the greatest legs in the free world. It pays off when she says, "Flattery will get you everywhere!"
  • Stella wants to see Not-Carrie arrive to work in a cowhide corset.
  • Korto has an ethnic look in neat colors.
  • Designer Joe (I wanted to be a football player, but instead I decided to become a douche) underwhelms. See, he has this sportswear background ...
  • Designer Leanne (this season's winner of Last DullGirl Standing) offers something the Endless Love star would rather wear in her real life.
  • Designer Jerell ("please enjoy my armpits and snazzy black nail polish!") does a song and dance.

And now comes their "special surprise." The winner of the challenge will have their design seen by, literally, dozens of people in the second season of Not-The Devil Wears Prada. So, we hope you won't miss not having immunity in the next round. Just knowing that your look will appear in the "never aired because the show was canceled" episodes on the DVD boxed set should be its own reward!

Miss Blue Lagoon picks the six designers whose dresses she'd like to see. They are ... Keith, Korto, Jerell, Kelli, Terri and Blayne.

Now comes the time on PR when we reenact painful childhood gym class memories: The winning designers have to pick the helper, or "saboteur," who will most effectively undermine their vision. Tim whips out the velvet Crown Royal bag of buttons to start our voyage into adolescent pain.

Blayne picks ... Leanne. Together, they are Team Blandorexic.

Keith picks ... Kenley. They join to create Team Rose Tattoo.

Terri picks ... Suede. They will be Team TerriCloth.

Korto picks ... Joe. They are Team Douchanubia.

Kelli struggles with her pick and finally chooses ... Daniel. They shall be Team Delli.

Which leaves Jerell to pick ... Stella. They form Team GirlyGrommet.

Let's go shopping! Go! Go! Go!

At Mood, Keith and Kenley bang heads over a flowered print she wants and he doesn't. Tim plays arbiter and, judging from the way Tim's face turned green looking at it, they figure it probably isn't the best choice.

Kelli and Daniel, meanwhile, have very different taste as well, with Daniel Mopey HatBoi taking issue with Kelli's desire for leopard print.

Time is called and someone (I couldn't tell who) thinks that's "awesome."

Back at Parsons, the subterfuge begins.

Keith channels his inner Tim and tells Kenley that he will "make it work." She's worried about Keith's flowy dress since she's more into "shtructured" looks. Kenley/Grace and Daniel/Will have a bonding moment in the sewing room which in no way will be contrasted with a later example of her undermining her pal.

Kelli has her Up Close And Personal Moment in which she talks about her upbringing. She thinks that "having that accessibility of just being able to flip on (NBC Show Name Redacted) and see something of mine" would make her grandmother proud.

Over at Team TerriCloth, Suede is having a freak-out moment over not having enough material to safely cut the fabric for the outfit's top. Suede is becoming a bundle of nerves, or in Suede's case he's breaking into a million little fibers.

Terri thinks Suede is packing "balls or vajayjay." She adds, "I ain't got no babies, ain't nobody sucking on my titties, so please, man up." (If she wasn't my favorite before, she sure is now. Somewhere, Joel McHale is readying this clip for The Soup.)

Blayne also gets his Olympic™ Profile In Courage moment, talking about how the space aliens dropped him in Yakima, Washington and he's been trying to achieve human pigmentation ever since.

We get few shots of work and then the power-dieters arrive for their early fitting. They are enthused when they hear that the winning design will be seen on Not-Waiting To Exhale. Blayne and Leanne get a first look at their creation, which she thinks is "awesome."

In less happy news, Kelli is aghast at Daniel's sewing talents, seeing that their skirt looks like Lombard Street. Daniel thinks it looks fine and that if the model can just walk like she has a pound of shrapnel lodged in her thigh it won't look so crooked. Kelli doesn't think Daniel can "make it work" like that and demands that he "make it work" by tearing apart his work and starting over.

Doleful Danny says he doesn't care, since no matter how hard he screws this up, it will be Kelli's neck on the line as the team leader. Daniel has been watching The Apprentice.

Elsewhere, Kenley is overjoyed to see a meltdown over at Team TerriCloth where Suede's poor construction of the blouse has caused him to burst into French. Quel suprise! (Fun fact: One of the things you get in your gift bag at the gay initiation is a handy guide with five French phrases which must be inserted into any conversation.)

Terri says his work looks awful and Kenley gives Suede tips on how to best throw a team leader overboard in front of the judges.

Tim arrives for his mid-session "Talk To Me." ("Make it work" is sooo 2007.)

"Talk to me," he commands to Blayne From The Planet Zortron. The hobbit explains his outfit. Tim worries that the shorts are too casual for eveningwear. As Tim leaves, the hobbit makes a third attempt at "holla atcha boy" with Tim and ...

Blaaaaaaaasst! goes my airhorn. (I figured that this cathartic approach was less expensive than having to replace my flatscreen every week after throwing bricks at it.)

Tim arrives at Team GirlyGrommet and loves the look. However, he's "dubious" about Team Delli's animal print streetwalker-meets-the-boardroom creation.

When he gets to Team TerriCloth, though, he relieves the pair by saying he adores what they've done. Yea! Suede won't have to use his tips from Kenley's Backstabbing For Dummies!

Tim then approaches Team Rose Tattoo and makes a dig at Kenley about the horrid floral print which she wanted earlier but wisely chose not to use. She giggles defensively.

Tim asks Korto & Joe to "talk to me." Korto shows off her orange, bohemian jacket which Tim thinks looks like a "big sweet potato." Here, Joe expresses his own concern.

"Talk to me about your concern," Tim insists.

In the ensuing moments, Korto and Joe have at it over his "concerns." She points out that, since she has immunity, should they be in the bottom, he's the one who's risking elimination. And here we come soooo close to our long-awaited "under the bus" reference, but Korto dodges it by giving us a different analogy about near-death and public transportation. Damn!

The day ends and a new one begins, as always, with shots of Keith shirtless. (Has he gotten more tattoos since the show started? Do the producers offer the clients inking as an ancillary service to the contestants along with fluff and fold?)

Everyone gets ready for their new day and Blayne thinks it would be "awesome" to see his look on "that show." (Damn, Blayne! We're paying good money for you to mention the name of the product, you'd think you could sneak it in here!)

As the women get ready to head to the workroom, Kelli promises that she's going to "make it work."

The men head out the door and Blayne says something about "Team Dramali-BLAAAASST!

Last minute work begins with Kelli slapping Daniel around about his crappy sewing. Daniel's BFF, Kenley cheerily tells us how her pal has shitty taste.

Now it's time for America's favorite game show, Cross Contestant Design Dissing!

Jerell: "Terri's running around like her shit doesn't stink and like her outfit is just off the rip and it's really, really not."

Leanne: "Korto (and) Joe are still having issues. ... When I saw that dress I thought (that) the construction of it looked horrible!"

Jerell: "I look over at Kelli and Daniel and it's kind of (head shake) mmm mmm. It's
(head shake) mmm mmm."

(Personally, I thought it was more eeeeh, or hmmmm rather than
mmm mmm, but that's really subjective.)

Kenley: "I look around the room and I see Blayne's really skin-tight Bermuda shorts for a business woman. I think that Blayne's a little-bit overly confident in his design."

And Jerell wins the dish-off by a flounce! Johnny Olsen, tell him what he's won!

Tim announces that there are five minutes left and adds, "And some of you are still sewing, question mark?"

Well, that'll happen when you value on-camera personality over skill, exclamation point.

During the break we see an ad for some NBC chick show which, oddly, features Ms. Shields. I wonder when that's on?

On to the Runway!

Heidi reminds everyone about the challenge and the importance of tuning in for Lady Business this fall on NBC and the introduces the judges. In addition to Michael "My One Look Will Suffice" Kors and Nina (aka "Little Orphan Ell-ie"), this week's guest judge, fashion icon and George Burns' co-star in the smash hit Just You And Me, Kid, Miss Brooke Shields!

Oh, and in case you missed it the first dozen times, Heidi says that the winning design will be worn on season two of The Show That Really Belongs on Lifetime.

On with the show!
  • Team Douchanubia (Korto/Joe): Cute. The sweet potato isn't terrible, but the oatmeal-colored dress underneath looks like it was sewn in the dark.
  • Team Delli (Kelli/Daniel): Oh dear. It looks horrible and really cheap. Particularly the black and leopard bustier.
  • Team GirlyGrommet (Jerell/Stella): Snazzy. A flowy animal-print skirt with a shimmering metallic top, paired witha pea-green, leather belt, it does just scream Facial Cosmetic Wilderness.
  • Team Rose Tattoo (Keith/Kenley): Visually arresting, certainly. A dark brown, high-waisted skirt made up of rippling scallops of fabric, topped with a floral blouse which can convert into a sexier bare-shouldered look.
  • Team TerriCloth (Terri/Suede): Pure hotness. A sexy pink and black print top which can be on or off the shoulder and a black pant. Suede thinks she will look really good on (Insert Plug Here).\
  • Team Blandorexic (Blayne/Leanne): Cute shorts. Cute electric blue top. But the top half of a cocktail dress beneath doesn't make it any less of a perfect dog-walking look. Nothing says "boardroom" or "evening."

Heidi calls forward this weeks tops and bottoms. Stella/Jerell, Keith/Kenley, Blayne/Leanne and Kelli/Daniel.

Rats! Terri gets robbed again!

During the questioning, we learn that ...
  • Jerell must have an ample stash of goods from Uganda in his luggage, since ,this week, he's traded his El Jefe military hat for a traditional African kanzu.
  • The judges love Jerell & Stella's outfit.
  • Brooke's surprised at how cheap Kelli & Daniel's outfit looked.
  • Daniel has the most camera-ready "panic face" in all of reality TV.
  • Michael Kors thinks their look is "slutty, slutty, slutty."
  • Kenley can sabotage laterally. (She showcases this talent by giggling uncontrollably when Daniel says he has impeccable, high-end taste.)
  • The judges loved the melding of Keith's raw, bandanna aesthetic with Kenley's buttoned-up, viscous pin-up aesthetic exemplified in their look.
  • Blayne's space alien senses allow him to see into the future of fictional characters on TV.
  • Blayne thinks everyone (on this planet) should make allowances for his being "crazy,"  even people he's just met.
The judges deliberate. And after a few bouquets and barbs (and Nina fulfilling her legal obligation to mention season two of Bitches & Boardrooms), the designers are called back for the verdict.

First, the winner ...

Congratulations ... Keith! Look for your design on the show's DVD set in the bargain section of your local Target next summer!

Jerell, Stella and Kenley get to leave.

Now for the losers ...

Leanne and Daniel get to go to safety. Daniel's relief is felt as far away as the lands of his parents.

This leaves Kelli and Blayne.

Blayne is ... in. Which means Buckeye Kelli gets eliminated.

Awwwww. Jeez, I hope she's not bitter about it.

"I'm definitely angry. I certainly didn't deserve to go home."

In accordance with the Reality Show Rulebook, Kelli tosses off a few "it is what it is"'s and "everything happens for a reason"s, cleans up her workspace and heads back to Columbus to "make it work" there.

Next on Project Runway: It's a Viking! Is it Flavor Flav? No! It's Chris March! And this week we're designing for drag queens! Suede gets dissed and Blayne makes a gay Pterodactyl! It's fab-u-lous! (Somehow, I don't think  Vince McMahon will be the guest judge.)

5 comments:

David Dust said...

I am SO getting an airhorn...

CLICK HERE for DavidDust's Project Runway Recap.

:)

theminx said...

"one more facelift and she'll have a goatee" - OMG too funny! And I love your team names, they are too perfect, especially Team Douchanubia and Team Blandorexic.

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

Great recap! I agree that Terri seems to suffer from always-a-bridesmaid syndrome, and I don't know what she can do to get out of that loop.

And I feel bad for Kelli, she had to come back home (and I still have no idea where her shop is, and it's starting to piss me off...but not enough to actually make me go out and look for it).

So "literally, dozens of people" will be catching Keith's outfit on Blackboard Jungle...no, Hopscotch Jungle...no, Facepaint Forest. Close enough. I love me some Brooke Shields, but not enough to watch her show.

And you hinted that Kelli likes to go to a certain bar to watch the show...that wouldn't happen to be that bar on Wall Street that bears the street's name?

Cliff O'Neill said...

Not saying that what I was told was correct, but it's East Village where I heard tell she and friends would/do watch the show.

And thanks for the kind words on this (and SG)! It means a lot!

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

...no problem ;-)