Top Design, Season 2 Episode: Bachelor Pad
September 24, 2008
Previously on Top Design: The decorators came face-to-face with veterans of Project Runway and were tasked with designing a store window around a gown. Ondine and Natalie worked with PR's Sweet P and created a butterfly-themed display and won the challenge. Kerry and Wisit failed at making a Blade Runner-inspired window for Runway's Jeffrey Sebelia. And for letting Wisit muck up the window with his rococo strangeness (and agreeing to take the blame), "Big Daddy" Kerry was sent packing.
It's the morning after the ejection of the troupe's resident Bear icon, Kerry, and everyone is feeling down. Most bummed is Designer Wisit (Secret Second Career: Professional Beverly Sills Impersonator) who feels mighty guilty about his colleague's "e-lim-in-a-tion." He thinks that the person who should have gone home is Designer Shazia (Secret Second Career: Anything that doesn't involve being a doctor, a lawyer or an engineer).
Designer Preston (Secret Second Career: Underwear model for the International Male catalog) is just thrilled that he got praise for his design last time. He's so excited that he is now seriously considering abandoning his flat, Lilith Crane veneer and actually developing a personality.
Designer Nathan (Secret Second Career: Breaking glass down at the recycling plant) cleans up after his sweetie, Wisit, calling him "pumpkin," and everyone heads out for the day, each one uttering "I miss Kerry" on their way out.
They will all blame Shazia for this outrage and vow to make her pay.
Well, that's implied, anyway.
The Challenge
Host India Hicks (23rd in line for the throne) arrives in the workroom to give the contestants their next challenge. They will be designing for the lowest form of life that has ever existed on the planet. A life-form that, when looked upon, is so repulsive, children shriek, grown men faint and even lepers run screaming: Reality show judges.
Wait. That was the first challenge.
They'll actually be designing for bachelors. And not the kind who live in fake mansions and hand out roses to girls who agree to make out in hot tubs. They mean actual unmarried (straight) men.
Shazia is disgusted with the idea of bachelors and won't even look at her fiancé until he is married. Nathan, however, thinks that this could be an opportunity to lure a dude into a three-way with him and Wisit.
India then presents the "dudes," three reasonably appealing fellows named Obi (a "web producer," but not an arachnid), James (a law student who can't afford a razor) and Eddie (an investment banker of the Asian-American, "oh, you must meet my daughter, Sun" variety).
Since there are only three bachelors, you know what that means: we're back to teams again. Out come the paint chips and the teams are formed. Moments later, each of the teams is matched with a client. The match-ups are ...
- Bachelor Eddie will be working with the team of Nathan, Preston and Shazia (or, as Nathan calls her, "Bad Luck Mary").
- Bachelor Obi will get the services of Wisit, Designer Andrea (Secret Second Career: Chauffeur for the Hollywood Hills Elementary Soccer Team) and Designer Teresa (Secret Second Career: Professional Seat Filler).
- Bachelor James, therefore, gets the team of Designer Eddie (Secret Second Career: America's Leading Importer of Bow Ties and Argyle), Designer Ondine (Secret Second Career: Distributing the Remifemin™ on the Sex And The City set) and Designer Natalie (Secret Second Career: Bartender at Coyote Ugly Saloon, Panama City, FL).
"I can picture it," she says, speculating on what his place looks like now, "'(a) Miller High Life' sign." She looks down on this as it is not nearly as classy as the electric Jose Cuervo sign back at her place.
The designers will get a whopping $10,000 and two and a half days to make over these pads and will have to shop in over 150 different locations across greater Los Angeles, San Diego and parts of Tijuana.
After the contestants are informed that they'll also get the services of carpenters, painters and paper hangers, Eddie shows us that even Connecticut prep schools can be lax in teaching history when he tells us that his beaten-up hands look like those of a "Polish potato farmer ... during, like, the famine."
The teams then head off to the bachelors' apartments to see what they have before them.
Team Bachelor James/Red, or "Bachelor Jammed" (Eddie, Ondine & Natalie) are faced with a nearly bare apartment with little but a huge flat-screen TV ("for his Nintendo," Eddie notes). Since the bachelor has neither taste nor opinions, they tell him he wants dark colors and distract him by saying the phrase "panty-dropping" a lot. (This appears to be Eddie's primary means of "relating" to straight men.)
Team Bachelor Obi/Blue, or "Bachelor Blobi" (Wisit, Andrea & the Dark-Haired Assistant) investigate their client's desires and learn that he wants a Zen/Modern space incorporating elements of "Feng Shui" (or, "Asian magic furniture bullshit"). The client tells the decorators what he wants in his bedroom, insisting that they understand "this is, like, my bedroom, you know?"
Team Bachelor Eddie/Green, or "Bachelor Greedie" (Nathan, Shazia & Preston) are startled by their client's space. Unlike his dapper appearance, his apartment is a mess. (Not quite a Queer Eye For The Straight Guy mess, but a mess.) They are most set aback by his mammoth collection of "accessory shoes" which he displays by his eating space. The bachelor says he likes things that are "simple" and "conservative" (sort of like Sarah Palin) Immediately, Preston seizes control of the team, which pisses off Shaz'.
The Creative Process
Wisit tells us that, for some strange reason, Kanye West could serve as an inspiration for his team's design and that Asian influences are "right up (his) alley." Teresa tells us that this week she will again play the role of "the intern" by fetching coffee for the designers. And after calling her colleagues, "bitches," Shazia tells us that she needs to "step up to the plate," helpfully reminding us that "it's a competition."
For the next few minutes, Shaz tries to affect the team's design by nagging. And Preston tells us Shazia could have all the input she wanted if she would just shut up and do things his way. Nathan opts to play Switzerland in this fracas by not taking sides (and stashing everyone's valuables in his luggage).
Incidentally, did anyone else notice that this team's "conservative" bachelor actually has on display -- in his living space -- a pair of pillows made to look like oversized mammary glands?
Then, it's time for the Shopping Rotisserie of Design! The teams will have thousands to spend, but the only catch is that they may spend no more than 36 cents at each store. Go!
During the purchasing whirlwind, Eddie creeps everyone out by saying "panty-dropping" some more, Nathan dubs Shaz', "Needy McNeederson" and helpfully reminds her that "this is a comp-e-tition."
Back at the apartments, the conflict on Team Bachelor Greedie continues with Shazia finally getting her way on something when she successfully arranges for the carpenter to make some cornice boxes. (Of course, since it will take extra time to upholster these, this will also make for a nice excuse to toss Shazia overboard come the judging.)
The next day the Shopping Rotisserie of Design continues with stops at another 32 sponsors. But at one of these, tragedy happens. We hear a crash and it appears that either Ondine or someone on her team (Eddie, That Other One) has broken a vase.
So, what else is there to do but have Eddie get into a bitchy pissing contest with the equally snotty store manager over who knows the true worth of bric-a-brac and who "works for the best."
Somewhere, GLAAD is sending these two a letter telling them to just shut it. For the good of the cause, of course.
Ondine plays peacemaker and arranges for the store to be paid for the accident and tells the bitchy manager he'll get an apology from piss-elegant Eddie. (He never gets it.)
Once that's over, we're back in the apartments where Mentor Todd Of The Bad Teeth arrives to give the designers helpful tips and a lesson in American Sign Language.
As night falls, the gang leaves for yet another round of shopping, this time at the "Top Design Showroom" (read: prop closet out back).
But wait! It's an ambush! Yes, it's time for our second ...
Pop Design Challenge!
Waiting at the "Showroom" are TD judges Jonathan "Potter? I Hardly Know Her!" Adler and Margaret "What's That I Smell?" Russell. They tell the designers about how Gregor Mendel studied the inheritance of traits in pea plants (oh, and how flowers are vital to any design).
They will each have three seconds to rush to a table of blossoms, snatch up what they can, select a container of some sort and create a floral arrangement suitable for the entrance hall at Versailles (or a fancy bat mitzvah). And the individual winner of this challenge will get immunity in the elimination challenge.
Go!
Pandemonium ensues. Petals fly. Moments later, time is called.
Now I admit to not knowing much about interior design. But if there's anything I know even less about, it's flower arrangement. So my assessment of these designs is about as valuable as WaMu stock right now.
Let's just say that Natalie shoved a lot of crap in a vase; Eddie made a big, purple arrangement he probably does every Thursday for Martha Stewart; Shazia made something she could proudly see "in the bathroom at a wedding reception, in the corner"; and Nathan did something "chic" with snapdragons.
The judges thought that Natalie's offering sucked, Eddie's could be better (considering he does this every day), and Preston's use of fake flower petals made Margaret cough up her petit fours. They did like Nathan's design though, since (unlike every design he's shown so far) it didn't involve broken glass.
So, Nathan wins the challenge and immunity, leaving his teammates Preston and Shazia to scheme on how best to sabotage each other come elimination time.
Finally, it's the final day and the teams set about putting together their rooms.
Ondine decides that there's nothing a beer-drinking, hockey-loving, twenty-something hetero dude would love more than a daintily decoupaged wall of antique botanical prints.
(Side note: Didn't I see Hildi do this on Trading Spaces? And didn't it suck then?)
We get quick shots of the contestants using the sponsored cleaning and bottled water products and time's up.
The Judging
The judges arrive and we see that the panel is short one judge with a mental condition which is manifested through crazy hairstyles. So, in her place, we have a different poster-child for the psychotherapy industry, Flipping Out's Jeff "How Many Men In Their 30s Do You Know Who Can Move Their Foreheads" Lewis.
- Red Team: (Client: James, Concept: "Panty-Dropping Chic"): The space went from empty and (probably) beer-stained to elegant, chic, and (mostly) masculine. But who can tell about the floors without women's undergarments thrown all over them. One thing is for sure, though: those botanical prints on the wall and on this shoji screen totally do not belong.
- Blue Team: (Client: Obi, Concept: "Masculine Zen"): The apartment is simple and clean, with peaceful blues and beiges in the living space and darker reds and browns in the bedroom. But who can tell if it's Feng Shui-approved without a visit from a master (and perhaps a cleansing of the "bad energy" with sage)? (BTW, did anyone else notice that the custom bookshelves were only half-painted? And that someone screwed up the graphics and put in the next team's info? And that Wisit talked about his "inner mas-cu-li-ni-ty?")
- Green Team: (Client: Eddie, Concept: "Tailored & Conservative"): Well, it was awful before, so anything would be an improvement. But this is worthless. The walls have been painted and furniture has been added. But it's basically a hodgepodge of unremarkable items arranged in a room. With upholstered cornice boxes. The bedroom is nice, though.
Next, we're back at the warehouse where the judges declare the victor from high atop the set of the Mike Douglas Show.
The winning team is ... Team Blue (Andrea, Wisit and friend). The wee castrato beams and wraps his teammates in his manly Pashmina.
As for the other two teams, they must endure the withering witticisms of the judges.
The Red Team is roasted for making the room more about what they wanted and less about what the bachelor wanted. The screens make Margaret think that the bachelor who would live there would be one that knows "the design that dare not speak its name." Jeff Lewis pulls out a quip he had been preparing since they asked him to be a guest judge and we move on.
The Green Team gets the once-over with Preston blaming Shaz for coming up with the time-consuming cornice boxes and Preston "stepping up to the plate" to say he was the team leader. Nathan, with immunity, is understandably blasé.
Bicker, bicker, bicker. Talk, talk, talk.
Shazia is out.
She leaves the show, content that she can prove that Pakistanis can don't have to aspire to be doctors, lawyers or engineers. They can even be-- ... Hey, is that a kitty?!
Next Time on Top Design: The team is visited by a person who is clearly a member of Cirque de Soleil who is on break between acts. Chairs and destruction are involved. And Nathan discusses scatological matters in conjunction with his oral cavity. Yum.
0 comments:
Post a Comment