Top Design, Season 2: Impress The Best (Or, Too Many Designers Make Me Dizzy!)

Top Design, Season 2
Episode: Impress The Best (Or, Too Many Designers Make Me Dizzy!)
September 3, 2008


"Am I really going to do this?" I have to ask myself. "I would like a life again. And last season of this show was fair at best. I mean, it had potential, but most people thought it sucked."

Well, then again, they did supposedly retool the whole thing so it's not just a bunch of people staging white three-walled boxes (I hope). And they may have 86'ed the cringe-worthy "See ya later, decorator" tag line so ...

Let's dig right in.

We have a new host, India Hicks, who is being billed as the daughter of famed interior designer David Hicks. (And while some quick research shows that she has a design resume of her own, I find it odd that she'd be introduced as the relative of a top designer.) Also, mentor Todd Oldham (still cute as ever) has been assigned a strictly Gunn-ish role, which will relieve him of his Heidi-ish hosting duties. (Which is nice, because he's not the most eloquent speaker around.)

So, without getting into too much detail, let's meet our new design-testants.

• Andrea Schroder, 36, Calgary, Canada: Experienced and talented. Also beautiful and blonde. Married to former child star and showbiz conservative Ricky Rick Ricky Schroeder, though doesn't want to be known for that. Will probably struggle to keep that secret.

• Eddie Ross, 30, Greenwich, Connecticut: Senior styler for Martha Stewart Living. Has an crazy-impressive resume and appears very fond of the preppy look (see entries, Greenwich, CT & Martha Stewart).
  

• Jennifer Newsom, 28, Minneapolis, Minnesota: Our sole African-American designer. Experienced as an architect. An actual former track star and an exceptionally tall woman, she reminds me of the WNBA's Lisa Leslie. (And, yes, I did have to look that up.) Didn't make a really big impression on me at first.
  

• Kerry Howard, 40, Easley, South Carolina: A Southern gentleman "of size." Goes by the nickname "Big Daddy."
  

• Natalie Williams, 24, Montgomery, Alabama: The required newbie. Every show needs one. As is required, she says she's "not going to be intimidated" and will be in the competition "until the very end."
  

• Nathan Thomas, 30, New York City via Denver, Colorado: Experienced and perhaps a bit edgy. Discusses his mom's "ya ya" and seems to have an expressed Jesus thing. Appears to have strong opinions which he may be keeping in check for now.
  

• Ondine Karady, 38, Mountainside, New Jersey: Professional set designer. Worked on Sex And The City. Could be one of the season's top contenders.

• Preston Lee, 27, Los Angeles via Amarillo, Texas: This season's eye candy for Bravo's core demo of straight women and gay men. Has worked with famed Hollywood lunatics Janice Dickinson and Kelsey Grammar. We'll see if he's talented too.
  

• Robert Reid, 40, Houston via Fredericton, New Brunswick: Our second Canuck. Appears to be the resident fussbudget, but is keeping it under wraps (for now at least). Must despise all Brady Bunch references.

• Serge Van Lian, 27, New York City via Los Angeles, California: The male newbie. Thinks unschooled designers have the edge since they're not shackled by such mundane things as "ideas" that rooms have to look "good" or "appealing." Wears a dagger around his neck. Thinks this makes him "edgy."

• Shazia Kirmani, 30, Plano, Texas: Of Pakistani descent, bills herself as the "brown" designer. Makes self-deprecating comments which are both refreshing and a little sad.
  

• Teresa Keegan, 35, Las Vegas via Tulsa, Oklahoma: Lovely woman. Makes no impression at first.
  

• Wisit Prapong, 30, Gibson City, Illinois: Most likely to have been cast for on-screen personality. Ultra-femme Asian-American whose first love is fashion and breaks into castrato vocce which is sure to be unbearable. He. Breaks. Each. Syll. A. Ble. In. To. Sep. A. Rate. Sen. Ten. Ces. I. May. Go. Nuts.
  

The Challenge

India greets the gang. (Thank you, India! ... Sorry, I had to say that at least once. ... Alanis reference.) The designers will have to fully furnish and decorate a loft apartment. (Yea! No more white three-walled boxes posing as rooms!) The catch: They will have only $2,000 and two days in which to do it.

This, naturally, makes them all shit bricks. They clearly have never seen Trading Spaces. Or, as is probably more likely, view that original home design show as a complete joke.

There are 13 designers and they will be divided into four teams of three and one unlucky designer will be drawn and quartered with his or her parts distributed among the squads. (Actually, one team will get four people and will supposedly get less time in which to work, though we won't really see that in practice.)

The designers are told that each team will be working for a particularly particular client. Todd gestures a lot with his hands and the aspirants are sent to their desks (a new element!) to see which color chip/team they will be joining.

The teams are ...

• Team Red: Teresa, Ondine, Wisit & Nathan

• Team Green: Shazia, Andrea & Serge

• Team Blue: Robert, Kerry & Preston

• Team Orange: Jennifer, Eddie & Natalie

The groups arrive at the apartment building and enter their respective lofts to discover that their clients are ...

Their four judges!

If you don't remember them from last time out (since only four of us actually watched last time out), they are ...

• Jonathan Adler: Famed potter (yes, he's actually famous for making pots). Creates object d'art for big bucks and is the officially designated gay quipmeister of this panel. Specializes in making up goofy phrases like "the mayor excuses village" and the thankfully now-banished "see you later, decorator." Finds himself hysterical and hates wearing socks.

• Kelly Wearstler: The requisite clueless/boring judge. Designs hotels and writes poetry (why am I thinking they would read like Jewel's verses?). routinely wears insane hairstyles which says something about her aesthetic.

• Margaret Russell: A goddess among women. Glamorous and elegant, Margaret is Editor-In-Chief at the sponsor magazine and I worship at her feet.

• India Hicks: You've met her already. Your new hostess. Allows Bravo to check off the previously unchecked "must contain at least one international judge, mentor or panelist" reality show requirement.

Each team is paired with one client/judge.

Team Orange gets Jonathan Adler. He tells them he wants a space that is "chic and dreamy" with bold gestures which will be dog friendly. Oh, and it should reflect the color of the blue toilet water. Seriously.

Team Red gets Kelly Wearstler. She wants a loft that is will showcase "form over function" (??) and allow her to display art and china. And no TVs! No TVs ever! (Cough. Communist! Cough. ... Sorry, that just slipped out.)

Team Blue gets Margaret Russell. She's looking for something that is not beige and not neutral. Her theme is "crisp and glamorous." She wants hot pink and cobalt blue. She's big on books and TV. (I knew I loved this woman.) She wants art and doesn't want clutter.

Team Green gets India Hicks. She would like a place that is "Caribbean classic," or as she puts it, provides "an easy, easy way of living."  One wonders if $2,000 will buy a cabana boy and a team of locals to wave palm fronds.

Once the judges/clients leave, the designers read a letter which reveals the $2,000 limitation. And after they make quick deliberations, the groups split up to go shopping at a thrift store and a junk yard. They will also "have access" to fabric, paint, wall covering and flooring. (It is also unclear as to if any of that stuff to which they will "have access" will also cost "money.")

Since there are too many people and elements to follow, here are the pick hits that happen on each team.

On Team Green India ...

• Andrea (the blonde one who's married to the TV star) takes the lead since she knows about traditional design. She also "doesn't want to go home."
  

• Serge (the edgy, untrained guy) only does what he's told and spends two days putting in a floor. His personal contribution will be to place a mirror at an insane diagonal slant which he thinks shows that he's "breaking the rules."

• Shazia (the self-described "brown" one) forgets a simple direction from Andrea which ends up with water making a mess of lots of fabric and wallpaper. She also helps by under-stuffing a couch so that it looks like a half-deflated beach ball.

On Team Red Kelly ...

• Ondine (the brunette who is hard to remember) has never been to a junk yard before and informs us that they sell "junk." She also has a sharp eye when she spots a picture of Andrea and her husband and remarks how much he looks like Ricky Schroeder based on just the back of his head. (This concerns Andrea.)

• Teresa (the one who makes no impression at all) is ... on Team Red Kelly.
  

• Wisit (the really strange gay guy) managed to get through the challenge without bursting into Madame Butterfly.
  

• Nathan (the shaved head gay guy) wants to "rock it out."
  

On Team Blue Margaret ...

• Robert (the quiet, probably control-freaky gay guy) is the team leader of sorts and doesn't think they need to buy lamps.

• Preston (the super hot gay guy) provides some steamy shirtless shots for our viewing pleasure and accidentally paints the floor while creating original artwork.

• Kerry (the bear-friendly gay guy) doesn't have time to make the lamps Robert wanted, since a certain someone (named Robert) didn't actually buy lamps.
  

On Team Orange Jonathan ...

• Eddie (the Martha Stewart one) gets excited when he finds an "object" in the junk yard. (He also gets bonus points for quoting I Love Lucy.)

• Jennifer (the tall one) spends a lot of time making a doggie bed for Jonathan's dog, Liberace. (Would a dog owned by that one have any other name?)

• Natalie (the young one) makes the startling revelation that she "doesn't want to go home."
  

Mid-show, India arrives to let them in on a new wrinkle to the show's format. It's called ... the ShortQuickAuditionCutFire. But to save space, well just say it's the ...

Pop Design Challenge

Here, the designers will each run like mad (for no good reason) to pick up a shadow box frame and, in 30 minutes, fill it with "found objects" which represent their design aesthetics. Each designer will work independently and will be judged by their assigned client/judge. The four winners will get immunity. The four losers will be stuffed, pinned and mounted for a designer tableau to be showcased at MoMa.

• Shazia, "Green Apples & A Cup": She shoved green apples into a box and was surprised that, when mounted on the wall, they all fell out. She presents it on a table and puts a cup in another box to make it all seem intentional.

• Andrea, "Peace": She's put a cork peace sign in a box and placed pebbled on top of it. She says that her whole life right now is about "peace," which I imagine makes for interesting conversation in her particular household.

• Wisit, "Out On The Town": He's made several very pretty fashion drawings and mounted them in the boxes.

• Eddie, "Nesting": Having said he travels around with a full butler's pantry, he's put in his boxes an entire silver pattern as well as vintage photographs of his entire extended family going back to the 1880s.

• Natalie, "New Year's Eve": Needing to prove she's a neophyte, she knocks this out of the park by filling her frames with what appears to be the New Year's section of Michael's, complete with beads, a champagne bottle and a bank calendar.

• Robert, "Basic Needs": He showcases his OCD by arranging exactly four forks and three spoons exactly two inches apart in the center of a frame, allowing no more than two inches of space between the forks and the frame. It is on a perfect level and must be examined at a distance of no more or less than three feet.

• Kerry, "Paper & Grass": He actually makes what one could call decorative art with, well, paper and grass. It's pretty.

• Teresa, "Nature In A Box": She places a flower in one box and a plant in another. Did I tell you she makes no impression?

• Jennifer, "Strong Women": We don't really get a good look at what she's done, but it seems like she's framed some snapshots of people (family?) and added some makeshift African-looking dolls to them.

• Ondine, "Monkey Marriage": Drawing on her recent monkey-themed wedding (yes, you read that right), she's placed a few small monkey figurines in front of a jungle-ish looking printed fabric.

• Serge, "Breaking The Rules":
  He's placed "dangerous" items (handcuffs, a beer bottle, a jar of peanut butter, a rubber duck and what looks like a bong) in boxes to show that he's edgy ... and has an interesting relationship with airport security (if all that was in his carry-ons).
  

• Nathan, "Cleanliness Next To Godliness": We see a picture of a sex doll in a leather hood, some black gift-bows, a toothbrush and a giant razor blade in a box next to a little Jesus statue and an apple with a bite taken out of it. The glass is broken on the case because he dropped the thing, but it would have looked just as nuts if he hadn't. He doesn't like his own work since he's "posh" and from "Manhattan" and this makes him look like he's a "junkie" from "L.A."
  

• Preston, "Addictions?": We don't actually get to see his work, but in the creation process he shows that it's composed of playing cards, cigarettes and a pill bottle in boxes to signify the addictions which killed his relatives.
  

The judges make quick judgments and declare the worst to be Natalie ("more middle school than high school"), Shazia ("hadn't started the project"), Teresa ("disappointing") and Serge ("you can't break the rules if you don't know what the rules are").

And the winners are ... Ondine ("sweet" and "intuitive), Eddie ("outside the box"), Wisit ("nerves of steel to have spent those 30 minutes draw-ring") and Kerry ("cool, abstract"). They each win immunity and can't be eliminated.

After the second day of work, the designers finish and it's time for the judging.

The Results

• Team Green India:  It does have a beach-y sensibility, but the seemingly deflated sofa is frightening. At least the upstairs bedroom is pretty and really does have a Caribbean resort feel.
  

• Team Red Kelly: Looks really, really nice. They discovered some great pieces (a mosaic-topped table and a large leather-looking couch) and jazzed it up with books and china as accessories. The one loft that actually looks complete.
  

• Team Blue Margaret: Rather strange. The bold colors (where they are) are OK, but the couches don't' say "modern" or "hot pink," but rather say "Goodwill" and "dusty rose." Preston's artwork, however, is nice. Of course, there isn't a lamp in the whole place, which should make it fun after sunset.
  

• Team Orange Jonathan: Light. Breezy. Beachy. "Liveable." With a bed for a precious purse pet. Jonathan makes his required gay/French quip ("J'adorable!") and declares a lamp to be both "awesome" and "what it's about."

The Judging

One of the things that have been changed from last season is the "White Room" which was used for the judging. While it was pretty it had created some strange sound, as every time anyone moved, you'd hear them clomp, clomp, clomp this way and that. Now, we have a large industrial loft space in some saturated colors.

The judges loved the work done by Team Orange Jonathan and Team Red Kelly.

And the winning team is ... Team Red Kelly! Congrats. No immunity for you!

Team Orange Jonathan is also safe. India quotes her father (which makes me wonder again why they're playing that up), the safe teams leave and the other two are left to be questioned.

Team Blue Margaret gets called out for their lack of lighting and their "dusty rose" couches. When asked to throw one other team member overboard, Preston refuses to do so. Kerry also won't take the bait.

A moment later, Robert does, singling out Preston for his paint foul-up and "bad time management." So, Preston returns the favor by pointing out that it was Robert who didn't get lamps when he said he would. Nyah, take that.

Team Green India gets the treatment. Andrea acknowledges being team leader, but wisely points out that the one really good space, the bedroom, was her domain exclusively. Shazia takes the blame for the crazy couch. And Serge admits to not having contributed to the design at all, past placing the mirror at a dangerous angle against the floor. Each of the three is asked to throw over another team member. Andrea and Shazia each toss Serge. Serge, not being able to toss himself, chucks Shaz'.

The contestants are sent away for the expected out-of-earshot bitchfest. But, unlike most of these shows, in addition to the jabs at the challengers, the judges here take good-natured jabs at each other, with Kelly and Jonathan insisting that the ever-poised Margaret asked for the bar in her loft when she insists she didn't.

"I did ask for a cocktail table," says Margaret.

"You asked for a bar and a cocktail table?" asks Jonathan.

"And a black bed!" joins in Kelly.

"Enough! Enough!" pleads the grand dame.

Good stuff.

They discuss the questioning and Margaret earns us to our first Cliffieland Reality Show Drinking Game™ body shot when noting that Robert threw Preston "under the bus." Drink! Drink! Drink!

The gangs are called back in.

Since Kerry has immunity, he's safe and sent off. Andrea is found to have kept things from going entirely off the rails and she's safe too.

The four standing are each criticized and finally India intones ...

"Serge ... we can't live with your design."

Yes. That is much better than that other hideous send-off.

Now, let's see what happens once we get to know more about these swatch-peddlers.

This season on Top Design: "Put on your runnin' shoes baby! This is a com-petition." "It's like decorating boot camp!" "Somebody took our fucking pillows!" "Bitch!" "It's $600?!"  "There's just crap everywhere." "I'm looking at this stuff and it's a big swamp." "Wah ha ha." Crash. "Ooops." "Oh shit!" "Making unified space doesn't mean it's all matchy-matchy." "These two were like two pit bulls." "I work for the best." "I don't like your attitude." "That man was ready to punch Eddie in the face." "Oooaaaaaaa!" "It's a big horse!" "Oh god, I wish I had some money, because I'd definitely give you all of it, honey." "The room is definitely coming together very well." "Out walks designers from Project Runway." "I want graphic, disturbing, haunting." "I don't know that it's quite sane." "The judges walk in and it's evident they're not happy with it." "What happened?" "I cannot read these judges to save my life." "I felt I was in a Hertz Rent-A-Car office." "Choose more Hollywood glamor!" "Sophisticated. I loved it, loved it, loved it." "We're definitely down to some hardcore judging." "You need to just get over yourself." "This is called Top Design not Over-The-Top Design." "My heart starts racing and I'm a nervous wreck." "Do you really want to go home?"