Flavor Of Love 3

Episode: A Night At The Hip-Hopera

March 31, 2008

Previously on Flavor Of Love: Decked out in pajamas the "ladies" were stunned when last season's contestants Becky/Buckwild and Safaaphyri ushered in four new "ladies" into the house. They're all better looking than any of the current contestants, even if one of them may have an Adam's Apple. And we were left on a "to be continued moment."

I Ain't Gonna Lie #1: "... but these beautiful, cunvashus (sic) young ladies was lookin' hot. They was lookin' real sexy, G."

The originals are not having it. They're convinced that these girls are trashy and that they're classy. (Well, everything's relative, right?)

New girl number one is an overly tanned girl with blue eyes. She wants to be called "Blue." Staring at her chest, Flav decides to call her "Black." (She's wearing a revealing black dress, don't cha know.)

New girl number two thinks she has the "complete package." She gets her requested name: "Prototype." (How does anybody here even know that word?)

Girl number three wants to be called "Luscious D." The name appears to have something to do with what she's bought to fill out the top half of her dress.

Newbie number four is the massively tall number I'm convinced is a fella.

Wooow#1: When Flav takes a ganger at the eight foot tall, um, contestant.

Flav thinks this one looks like Naomi Cambell. Prancer thinks what I'm thinking.

"... and I don't believe otherwise until I see vagina."

She really said that.

NuGirl (who really could be a new girl) wants to be called, er, Lex? Flav calls her "Tree."

Hotlanta thinks Tree may have a penis.

Suddenly, the old girls put aside their rivalries to take down the new girls by moving in together and leaving dirty rooms for the newbies.

Let the smack talk begin.

The next morning, the new girls wake to a kitchen full of vermin, flies and maggots covering dirty dishes and assorted detritus.

Challenge: Put on a hip-hop opera about Flavor Flav's life (and assorted VH-1 shows). There will be three acts (unlike R. Kelly's 83 chapters).

Seezinz says she's the expert on Flav and decides to direct and starts handing out parts, giving the biggest parts to the old girls.

Hotlanta drinks. Seezinz bosses people around. And Prototype takes shoves a metric ton of fabric under her skirt to more accurately portray Season Two "winner" Deelishus, she of bodaciuous bedonkadonk.

Act 1. The Things rap. Prancer plays Flav and Luscious D plays Brigitte Nielsen, the amazon who first took Flav's reality show innocence on The Surreal Life and Strange Love.

Act 2. The "ladies" recreate Season One with Tree playing notorious ex-contestant New York. The theater world is elevated when they artistically recreate the scene where departing contstant Pumpkin hocks a loogie in New York's face. In slow motion.

This being an opera, Tree/New York responds by singing.

In a baritone.

I Ain't Gonna Lie #2: (referencing Hotlanta's appearance on stage) " ... but I think she was a little drunk, man."

Prototype's take on Deelishus' ass is a big hit.

Act 3. The girls have to play themselves and rap. They suck. At rapping. Too.

I Ain't Gonna Lie #3: "... but some of the raps wasn't all that great."

Prancer's rap, though, suggests that she and Flav have already had, um, each other.

Prototype and Sinceer win the private date for having the best performances.

Back at the mansion, everyone rats out Hotlanta for being sauced.

The next morning, Prancer sees that the new girls are serving Flav breakfast in bed.

I Ain't Gonna Lie #4: "... but one of the greatest feelings in the world, fellas, is having four brand new girls sitting on your bed."

The NuGirls read a rap about how nasty the other girls are.

Wooow #2: As Flav sees the girls out of his bedroom.

Sinceer and Prototype don hats the size of Kansas and escort Flav to the date. But first, Flav asks the new girls to decide which old girl should get to continue on the show.

Turns out the date is to the Santa Anita Race Track, apparently where silly hats are required. It seems to make Flav lucky.

Back at the house, the NuGirls interview the old girls. They all embarrass themselves (more than usual). The Things try to defend sharing Flav, er, sexually. But, suddenly, one of the twins decides to take her sister down. (Of course, you can't tell which one it is.)

Back to the date. Prototype starts talking about her video work. Which makes Flav doubt her sincerity. And call her Phototype.

NuGirls reveal that Thing 2 was the one who wanted Flav to herself. She is the "realest" Thing.

Flav then decides to give the NuGirls their clocks then. And he gets a private moment with Thing 2 to tell her she's the one who's going to stay. No longer will she have to share one big clock around both their necks. And he takes a Sharpie and separates the two Things on the clock's face.

It's a touching moment. Made all the more touching when Flav points at Thing 2's face on the clock and says that this is her clock now.

"But that's me," says Thing 2, pointing at the other face on the clock.

Well, who can blame him, they're as alike as two peas in a pod. ... OK, how about two gnomes in a pea patch then?

So, Flav gives her his personal oversized spangled clock from around his neck. Now, Thing 2 has to explain the separation to Thing 1.

Elimination: In addition to the "ladies" who already have their clocks, novelty timepieces go to Sinceer, Seezinz and Thing 1, leaving Prancer and Hotlanta.

He calls down Hotlanta. He says she's not staying, but gives her a chance to change his mind and take out Prancer. She retorts by calling out Prancer's, um, indiscreet revelation of their, um ... fucking.

It's just so cute how they call it a "kiss and tell" thing.

How dare Prancer intimate that our proud viking would be anything less than a perfect gentleman with these fair maidens?

Hysterical Moment Of The Entire Series: Flav pontificates.

"Whenever I write something, it has a message to it. So that's why I be careful of what I write
'cause I try to send out the right messages."

Sort of like the right message he's sent out to the folks out there in TV land since this whole farce started.

But, there are messages and there are messages. So Hotlanta stays and Prancer hits the bricks.

And her real name? Mercedes.

A symbol of real class.

Next Time On Flavor Of Love: A wedding? Hotlanta dares to suggest that the McMansion isn't Flav's real house. Skydiving. And a funeral? Why is Flav in that casket?! Noooo!

My Top Five Songs

A dear friend recently asked me out of the blue what my favorite songs were. Considering I have a collection of literally millions, narrowing it all down to my top five would be tricky ...

But, of course, I have this in my head already. It's really a top four with a fifth position which can change depending on the weather. So here goes.

1.) Joan Armatrading - Love And Affection (1976)

Joan's haunting, aching song of the warring feelings of loneliness, an ache for that very special kind of love and a maddening confusion about how to relieve it makes this my all-time favorite song. (P.S. Don't ever listen to anyone's cover versions. They will suck.)

2.) Donna Summer - I Feel Love (1977)

For my money, one of the most influential songs of the 1970s. David Bowie told it best when he talked about how he and Brian Eno were in Berlin banging their heads as to how to move music forward when Eno came running down the hall with a 45 of this song. A throbbing electronic score like nothing that had been heard before with this gospel-like angelic diva voice soaring over it. Hypnotic and perfect.

Sadly, since the song is so much a studio creation, my girl Donna has (in my estimation) never done it justice in concert. (And don't even get me started on the goofy snake-like/robotic arm movements when she sings it.)

Recently, we saw the Blue Man Group do this in concert and it really was the first time I've seen it live when it has been magical. Now if Donna could just do it with them.





3.) Gladys Knight & The Pips - I've Got To Use My Imagination (1973)





A pounding beat. The pain (or is it paranoia?) of knowing that a relationship is over and the driving, overpowering spirit that tells you that you simply have to ... you must ... keep keeping on. That voice simply won't let you give up.

4.) Pretenders - Precious (1980)


YouTube is killing me here. The only "video" of this is this fake with the original song laid over another band's video. At least you get the song.



Anyways, it is raw power. A kiss off of epic proportions. And the first song I ever had that had the word "fuck" in it. What fun it was to call the college radio station and have them play it and then hear them freak out three minutes in.

Since the classic original Pretenders lineup (with two bandmates who would die within a year of the recording) is the only one that matters for me, here's a clip of another classic song of theirs, "Tattooed Love Boys." Enjoy.





Finally, since number five can change at the drop of a hat, I'll go Broadway.

5.) Angela Lansbury & Len Cariou - A Little Priest (1979)



From Stephen Sonheim's Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Hey, the movie was great, but nothing will ever match the original. How can you argue with a cheery waltz about cannibalism?

So, what are yours? Comment or write.

Trading Spaces

Episode: Keeping Up With The Joneses

March 29, 2008

Meet competitive buddies Jim & Rick and their wives. The dudes are driving their wives crazy with their never-ending one-upsmanship.

Rick's wife is Laura, who is an interior designer (who needs Trading Spaces?). Jim's wife is stay-at-home-mom Linda.

The men provide the necessary footage by boxing. We learn that Jim usually wins things, even having beaten Rick at tennis with his leg in a cast.

They are each concerned about who has the bigger tool. Seriously. They said that.

Oh, and Jim never finishes his projects.

Paige tours Rick & Laura's blue living room. Their "very blue" living room. It has a washer and dryer in it. Why? It looks like they tore down at least one wall to make for a big, open floor plan. (One with a washer and dryer in the corner.) But they want this room to "be one" with the rest of the house.

In Jim and Linda's bedroom we see a huge room. With a huge wall of really ugly wallpaper.

Linda wants a four poster bed.

Key swap. At a local boxing gym we learn that the designer are Frank and ... Edward!? He's back? And they're calling him "The Enforcer?" (I guess it's a joke on the boxing thing.)

Hey! He finally cut that damn pony tail! ... I wonder if that means he's finally lost his virginity? (I didn't make that up. Really.)

Edward is working with Himbo Carpenter Brandon in Rick and Laura's house. Edward plans on creating a room with a Moroccan feel. Jim's confused by this.

They start to move the furniture and  ... Eeeek! A sea of fake bugs under the couch! That crafty Rick!

Meanwhile, Rick and Linda are working with Frank and carpenter NuAmy. Jim pranks back with a set of kiddie tools. Ha.

And why does this grown couple sleep with Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls in their room?

Edward wants to put in an entertainment center to act as a room divider. (Where's the plant, the uplight and the touch of black?) In his room, Frank wants to create a mantle and a four-poster bed. Wants an old world look with clean, contemporary lines.

Than it's time for the paint reveal. Edward reveals his, a very Moroccan brown. Linda is worried. They call the brown "dirt brown." Edward says it's called "Revival Mahogany."

Then Frank reveals his. Blah. Tuscan gold. And orange for a faux finish with glaze, since Laura is an interior designer and can pull this off. As usual with Frank ideas, I'm underwhelmed.

Moments later they're painting over the wallpaper. Never a good idea.

Predictably, the bubbles and seams are making the painted wallpaper look like "crap on a warm day," says Frank. So it's time to take down the world o' wallpaper. Will they have enough time?

Art Project Team Frank. They're doing some nonsense that involves "little tiny drawings." Somehow this is intended to help the men put the rivalry behind them. And how is shitty art supposed to do this exactly?

Art Project Team Edward. He wants Linda to find some of Laura's designs to put in her "space." And Jim has to finish the "project" to show Rick that he can finish something.

Hey, I'm glad there's no crappy "art" going on here, but I'm really missing something. What is the point of any of this? Either Edward decided the concept of a relationship-changing "art project" was stupid  or ... nah, he thought it was stupid.

Because it is.

Somehow, Jim isn't obsessed with this "project." He's more concerned with incorporating retaliation for the fake bugs. That's the spirit. 

Back at crappy art project Frank, the chubby fey one says how much he loves "little bitty drawings." If you're playing the Trading Spaces Drinking Game, take a swig. Frank is"freehanding." Oh, it's so charming. They're drawing ...  a heart ... a tennis racket. On paint chips. And framing it all.

Sorry, I support the arts. Not the crafts.

Now it's time for homework. Team Edward needs to stain and paint. Team Frank is busy eating rocket pops and contemplating painting above and beyond the assignment. (Competitive much?) We also learn that before he left his house, Rick turned off the water heater so Jim would get a cold shower in the morning.

Is it me, or are these guy's concepts of what makes for a funny prank really, um, lame? Now the folks a few years back who admitted to using their friends' spare key while their friends were away on summer vacation to take down the family's Christmas tree, ornaments and lights and have them come home to a winter wonderland? Those were creative pranksters!

Day Two. At Team Edward, the fireplace looks great. Plus, Jim has finished something for once in his life.

At Team Frank, it's faux finish galore. Frank gushes over the painted fireplace. It really does look like an entirely new thing. And not in a bad way. If only the rest of the room looked like something vaguely interesting.

At this point, I could go on about how Rick left behind a pad with a list of the pranks he had left behind and Jim found it and how Paige busted him out, but ... well, would anyone care?

Load in!

Rick reveals his master prank! Oooh, what will it be? Coasters with the fake bugs in them. Eek.

Designer Chat Frank. The fireplace looks great. The room looks OK. For a Frank room.

Awesome #1: Paige commenting on Frank's curtains.

The art project is classic Frank crap. But I don't know if the Mary Richards wooden initials on the wall were there before or another Frank creation. They certainly complete the message theme. The message: We the proud owners of frequent shopper cards at Michael's.

Reveal Team Frank: Jim and Linda start with a  few "wows" and a couple "cools." 

Awesome #2: Jim commenting on the room.

They love it.

Paige points out the hideous art project. They don't say anything about it. She's just happy she got a four poster bed.

Designer Chat Edward: The room is not really over the top. But the Moroccan-themed valance looks silly (and off-center). Actually, the room is really very classy and nice. But they're sure to hate the now broken-up room.

The reveal starts outside where Jim left the couple's old furniture on the curb with a sign saying "Free Furniture." Riotous. 

Reveal Team Edward: A moment of silence (never a good sign).

Awesome #3: Rick commenting on the room.

Laura's not too sure. They see the roach coasters. Whee.

Laura's really not sure. She doesn't like that her white mantle was painted brown. She's unhappy. It's not her style.

"I think it's ... different."

And then Paige shows her the "part" of the room for her. And ... she hates the fact that now from her desk she looks at the back of a bookcase instead of the view she used to have.

She's really disappointed. She wants to take it down on Sunday. Much sadness.

Laura: "What were you guys thinking?"

Edward apologizes.

Awesome #4: Rick commenting on the job Edward did.

Jim's just really sad that Laura was so sad. But that means he won! He got the better room! (If by "better" you mean a room more indicative of their lousy taste.)

A truce is declared. Home Depot cards all around! 

Top Chef Chicago

Episode: Block Party (or, Pantry Raid!)

March 26, 2008

The cheftestants awake to a Valerie-free suite and, this causes them to react in slightly different fashions. Chef Stephanie and the other females bemoan the male-centric world of chef-dom.

Chef Spike of the Funny Hats reacts by repeatedly thrusting My Twitchy Future Boyfriend Andrew's head into a wall. Again. And Again. (Of course, this is all play acting, but still, it's cute, or if you must, "cute.")

See Andrew wants to be an entertainer chef. I may be in a minority, but, hey, I'm entertained.

Quickfire Challenge: Impress guest judge Rick Bayless by reinventing the humble taco for upscale dining.

Most of the chefs respond with the expected excitement.

¡Epa! ¡Epa! !¡Andalo! ¡Andalo!

Still, one cranky chef ain't feeling it.

Biker Chef Erik: "Mexican food is about the people. It's about the streets. To put fine dining into it just kinda ughs me."

So he decides to make an upscale taco that looks like the detritus of a drunken Cinco De Mayo celebration.

Chef Manuel figures he had the edge here since he's Mexican, knows how to incorporate cool ingredients like cactus and can do the proper Spanish pronunciation of words like tomatillo, relleno and Quetzequatl.

Chef Richard of the Ever-Higher Fauxhawk decides to dispense with the taco shell entirely and uses Season Two Chef Mia's missing jicama instead.

My Favorite Twitchy opts for duck and plantain and makes my mouth water with his food this time.

Erik's attempt to win the challenge by reverse psychology lands him in the bottom three with the judge.

Erik: "He can go screw himself."

Let's see how that works out, shall we?

Rick Bayless picks Richard for the win and immunity and gets to have his recipe "stolen" for Bayless' restaurant. That's a reward, right?

Spike (in his first silly hat of the episode) is not amused.

Next the teams have to divide into two teams, Red and Blue.

Team Red consists of Lesbian Power Chefs Zoi and Jennifer, Bearded Wackjobs Andrew and Spike, Asian Villan Chef Dale and Abercrombie Chef Ryan.

Team Blue is Molecular Chef Richard, Silent But Deadly Chef Stephanie, Lady Hat Chef Nikki, Kiwi Chef Mark and Invisible Chefs Antonia and Manuel.

Elimination Challenge: Kicking off a mind-boggling parade of product placement, we see the Toyota Highlanders® drive down residential streets while the chefs talk and text on their LG® smartphones on the Verizon® network about what to expect.

Moments later, they learn that in the Mealstogether.com® challenge, they will have to cater a block party for 40 adults and 70 kids (can we say overpopulation?). And they will have to secure all their food from raiding the pantries of the houses on the street.

Luckily, the homeowners are all conveniently well stocked with Hidden Valley® and KC Masterpiece® products, which will be conveniently wrapped in Glad® products and cooked with Kingsford® charcoal, all available at the House Of Satan® (read: Wal-Mart®).

The homeowners are so startled to see the roaming hoards of chefs invading their homes, at least one seems to have invited a camera crew inside the house to capture her shock as she answered the door.

After the Red Team raids one woman's insanely large pantry, the newly minted "Team Sexy" (hell, yeah!) misdirects Team Blue by saying they had already tapped that house out, knowing there was enough food left there to feed the greater Chicago area and parts of suburban Indiana.

In planning its menu, Team Blue wants to make familiar foods that are upscale, Richard wanting  to make a paella, for instance.

Team Sexy wants to go for "classic Americana" like corn dogs and sliders (tiny hamburgers) and wow them with the toppings. You could call this "knowing your target market." You could also call it "patronizing." Chacun à son gôut, as Master Tim would say.

Back at the GE® kitchen Nikki is using Velveeta for a "yummy mac and cheese." (Is the purposeful use of positive modifiers in naming her food supposed to be subliminal?)

Richard is thinking about the judges and can't be bothered with what the crowd would want.

Silent But Deadly Stephanie decides to change her dessert and top it with a fried wonton with Mexican sugar.

Team Sexy thinks they have it in the bag.

Andrew: "Do you smell that? ... Success!"

Chef Zoi is miffed that she's charged with making a pasta salad, as there isn't much left to do. She's worried.

When Judge Tom checks in on our teams, Nikki discusses her "yummy" offering and tells him about their planned "sexy" drink. (Again with the modifiers!)

Tom: "What makes that sexy?"

Nikki: "The lavender."

Tom: "Lavender is sexy?"

Sure! I know I always get hot and bothered whenever I enter an old lady's frilly powder room! The thought of hand-knit toilet paper cozies is enough to make me a raging beast!'

Abercrombie Chef Ryan discusses his Waldorf salad and proudly tells Tom how he's eschewing mayonnaise. Tom reminds him that it's the mayo that keeps it fresh.

Power Lesbian Chef Jennifer steps in to say that, um, the roasted apples will provide the creamy element. Let's see how that works out!

Chef "I Cook With Heart, Damnit" Erik is worried that his corn dogs will get soggy being stored in a steamer and then sitting before finally being served. (Er, wouldn't that factor into your decision to make them in the first place?)

Off to the block party! Cue the Dixieware® and Kingsford® products!

Team Sexy is all hopped up on its own intoxicating sexiness. Team Blue is more focused, making sure they plate peoples food for them. (Ten points in my book, as I loathe buffets. But I digress.)

But what's this? Nikki's mac and cheese is a solid mess! ... And here come the judges!

Padma tries some of Spike's brûléed "S'mores On A Stick" and gets it down her front. Instantly I'm reminded of John Waters' A Dirty Shame (rent it!) and folks with a fetish for women spilling food on themselves. (I'm weird that way.)

The crowd seems to love most of the offerings, but are less than impressed with the Erik's heart-imbued soggy corn dogs, and Richard's "paella." They loved Dale's shish kabobs and Team Sexy's sliders.

In a classic "What's that I smell? Hubris!" moment, we see Team Sexy palling around with the neighborhood kids and drinking beer while Team Blue lives up  to its name thinking they've been "demolished."

Judges' Table: Team Blue is called in first. Team Sexy is mad pissed. (And not just because they're still drinking beers.)

Andrew: "That was not a loss in any fucking way, shape or form!"

Dude, I love you, but you need to chill.

At Judges' Table, Team Blue is told they only narrowly won and that the judges hated some things. They ask Nikki of the Silly Lady Hats what she made.

Nikki: "I made the lovely mac and cheese."

Lovely. A lovely brick.

Tom says that Richard's paella was more of a rice pilaf and gets Paper Chase on him about what makes a paella a paella.

Everyone loved Stephanie's dessert and she wins her second Elimination Challenge, which prompts viewers to give her the edge on Hillary Clinton.

Enter the well-lubricated Team Sexy.

No references it it being a close contest now. It's all about Erik's soggy corn dogs, Ryan's too chewy Waldorf salad and Zoi's oily pasta salad.

Asked about their menu choices, Spike shoves his foot down his gullet saying that the judges have more sophisticated palates than their audience, the neighborhood folk. Bad move, buddy.

A puddle forms below Chef Zoi as she sweats profusely at the prospect of going out for making something as mundane as pasta salad.

Finally, My Dear Sexy Twitch goes completely off the deep end. (Not a long trip, I'll grant you.)

He says that if they're going to eliminate him for his food this time they'll have to "drag (him) out of here with security guards! This is my house!"

Bud, I'm nuts about you, but lay off the sauce if you can't handle it. Here, let me comfort you.

Anyhoo ...

Ryan and Zoi dodge the ax and Erik is told to pack up his heart and knives and go.

"Yeah? Well, who needs your stupid, not-soulful competition anyways!? ¡Viva la revalución!"

(I made that one up.)

Next Time On Top Chef: Andrew confuses people by doing something on his knees. I can only dream what it is.

American Idol Results Show: 10 Become 9

March 26, 2008

Well, somebody had to go.

Welcome to another 60 minute show which could be one.

First, we get a other pitch for the contest to be the songwriter who gets to saddle the winner of this season with another song that lots of folks will buy, but no one will ever listen to again. Discuss.

Next its time for Gang Sang! Since the singers had sung songs from their respective birth years, the powers that be figured Maxine Nightingale's "Right Back Where We Started From" would be apt. It's cute, as far as these things go. But who knew gloom rocker David Cook could dance?

Up next, orgy of sponsor worship, Part One! Up first, Apple! (Now, I'm as much of a crazed Mac-head as anyone, but this was really extreme.) iTunes! Recording songs for iTunes! Playing them on your iPod and iPhone! And making it all with a Mac! Whee! Doesn't Carly look amazed at seeing her shiny, shiny face on her iPhone as it displays her latest performance. And did we mention you can get it on iTunes?

And now come the contestants. Chikezie. While I loved his performance, the judges didn't. Seems the viewers didn't either. (Yeah? Well screw you, viewers!) He's in the bottom three.

Brooke White? She's equivocal about how she did. She's safe.

Carly Smithson? First off we need to report that there was a report that she was "off" the night before because she learned she was pregnant. She's not. She says she was distracted because she was wearing "spanks." Everyone giggles. Seems Simon, being a Brit, knows what those are. No one else does and he's not telling.

Well, guessing from some quick Googling, it's "Spanx." And, as I guessed from her too-tight dress last night, it's "shapewear." Latex to suck all your fatty tissue into your rib cage and such. Always a good idea for when you need to employ your diaphragm to sing on national TV.

In any case, she's safe.

Next: The contractually obligated car commercial. It's cute, sort of. Stealing an idea from the Justice "D.A.N.C.E." video (see it here), they make the dancing Idols appear on t-shirts (and later posters and such as they have done before.

Which reminds me. Remember when everyone was amazed at the brand-new "morphing" technology when they first saw it in Michael Jackson's "Black Or White" video? And remember how it suddenly was being used everywhere and didn't look so amazing anymore?

It's like that.

Moving on ...

David Archuleta. He does his damnedest to defend his choice of a horrible 1990 message-y song (John Farnham's "You're The Voice," if you haven't had that burned into your psyche already). He says that, despite what Simon was implying (that his stage dad did the picking), it's one of his favorite songs. Why does that make me like him less? Anyways, he's safe. The mob screams tweenishly.

David Cook. Mopey poseur dude who aped Chris Daughtry doing Live doing Johnny Cash by doing Chris Cornell covering Michael Jackson ... is safe. (And gauging by the instant massive number of downloads of the Chris Cornell cover on iTunes, he's in it for the long haul, I fear.)

Sayesha Mercado. Again, the kids who vote in these things in ridiculous numbers just can't appreciate music for the "grown and sexy." Despite having done a bang-up job on an incredible song, she's in the bottom three. Damn you, High School Musical fans!

Michael Johns. He tortured me with bombast and is rewarded. Safe.

In pitching  to commercial (we're up to 17 minutes of them per hour for AI now -- not counting the in-show informercials),  Ryan teases that Sayesha and Chikieze aren't smiling as much as the safe kids. They are. Sayesha points to her big grin. Ryan thinks, "Don't contradict my scripted narrative!"

And now for the pain of show-filling live phone calls from viewers! (Haven't they killed this yet?)

Where else but America's number one show would you get to hear a 23-year old from Atlanta ask Chikeize if he's single? Or hear someone else ask Pocket Idol where the blazes he came up with that damn song? Or hear some clown give us another excuse for another "careful don't step on the sexual tension" Simon/Ryan moment?

Well, at least Danny Noriega and Dancer David Hernandez (and at least one of the forgettable fallen females from this season sitting next to them) seems to think it was funny.

Next up, Kimberly Locke! America's favorite and most successful Celebrity Fit Club alumni talks about all the food she can't eat at her new restaurant, how she's been doing since coming in third in Season Two and how she's promoting her new album.

Out she comes looking spectacular, fit and fab in her (Project Runway winner) Christian Siriano gown. She sings her new track, "Fall." She sounds amazing and, while the song didn't grab me at first, could be a creeper. I hope it does well.

And now for "Aren't Global Bloodsucking Corporations Just Grand!" Aren't those folks from Exxon/Mobil such sports for giving millions (out of their mega billions in record profits) to Idol Gives Back? Let's reward them and help boost their public image by using their name three times in a two minute piece on helping needy Americans!

See, I feel better already! I sure hope this helps their bottom line! They need it!

Back to the Idols ...

Ramiele Malubay. C'mon. You know when there are three people left to come out and they call you by yourself that you're safe. Even if you don't really deserve it, darling as you are.

And finally, Kristy Lee Cook, whom I really, really hate now after painful song choice, the excruciating Our Country Is Better Than Your Sack Of Shit anthem, "God Bless The U.S.A." Naturally, Lee Greenwood called and said he loved it. (No shit. Like he'd call and threaten to sic Chuck Norris on her ass for it.)

And Jason Castro. The Dread-ed One already knows how this goes. It's supposed to be a shock. Whoopee. Kristy Of the Christland is safe. The Doobie Brother is in the bottom three.

Your bottom three, Chikieze, Sayesha and Jason.

Jason's safe. .... Sayesha's safe. ... Which means Chikieze goes home. Cue the Ruben Studdard music.

Sigh. And I was so looking forward  to seeing him do Dolly Parton.

American Idol: The Top Ten Perform

March 25, 2008

Excuse me while I down a few more pain relievers.

What was that show? I still don't get it. Day is night, up is down, war is peace ... and what I thought was excruciating is praised while the sublime is punished.

Ah, that can only mean one thing: all the judges must have been sampling Paula's medicine cabinet.

Let's start the show! Tonight's theme: songs from the year of each of the contestant's birth. And if history is any judge, this should make for some really odd choices. (Does anyone remember Nadia Turner rendering an obscure Crystal Gayle song a few years back?)

Ramiele Malubay: We begin with the tiny tunesmith bravely taking on Heart's "Alone" from 1987. And so my migraine begins. First, this show needs to have a no repeats policy. If someone has done a song before (especially if several people have done a song before on the show)  it needs to be retired. Second, the song was completely wrong for her and showed her to be way to weak to proceed. This season's Lisa Tucker.

The judges pointed out that she had been sick (as if to mitigate the sharp vocals) and she helpfully said that she's feeling much better now.

In any case, it was nice to see Danny Noriega cheering her on. I guess the Rosie cruise is over.

Jason Castro: Our resident herbalist picked up the guitar again (whew!) and delivered a strumming take on Sting's brilliant 1987 song "Fragile." I actually quite liked it. Unlike scores of contestants before him, he managed to convey vulnerability in song and doesn't need to do the pose-on-the-big-note-while-the-camera-zooms-around-you thing. Naturally, the judges aren't impressed and tell him he needs to do something else.

Simon even says he sounds like a busker outside a tube stop. (Stop it. He's British.) I can only partially see his point. I liked it anyway.

Sayesha Mercado: Yes, I have a particular fondness for R&B divas. Yes, she was my early favorite. But she had pretty much all but lost me for a few weeks running there. Tonight, though, she pulled out "If I Were Your Woman," actually an old Gladys Knight & The Pips number from the early '70s which was a big R&B hit for Stephanie Mills in 1987.

And I thought she totally nailed it. She managed to interpret the song in a way that wasn't a note for note copy of either version, yet one that was impressive on its own merits. Paula was pleased, but Simon wasn't terribly impressed. Sheesh. I have never disagreed with him so much in one night. Yes, her voice isn't the most impressive, granted. But she really brought her own flavor to it and made magic all her own. (My headache intensifies.)

Chikezie: Why do the judges want to hate this guy? Why? Is it because Ruben Studdard's career has slid steadily downhill since he won the title in Season 2? The last two times our man Chikezie changed things up with uptempo bluegrass/country/rock arrangements. This time he "went with his heart" and opted for a ballad which held meaning for him, Luther Vandross' 1985 classic "If Only For One Night."

Words can't express how much I loved this. From his spot-on vocals to his working of the crowd. (Oh, can I take this moment to say how much I hate the beat-clapping, girly shrieking, arm waving mosh pit thing this season. Girls! Stop trying to clap to the beat of sensitive ballads already!) 

Once it goes to the judges, they rip me down to earth. Randy and Paula give it faint praise and Simon calls it "cheesy" and "old-fashioned." (Simon, the Flowbee haircut, alternating three shirts and pre-cancerous smoker-skin tan are mighty old-fashioned too. So, speak for yourself.)

Here Chikezie (who, let me say isn't my favorite) does the one thing that is just plain unattractive. He gets defensive. Even when he's right, it is not a good look for him.

(Oh, somewhere in here Ryan does a nauseating plug for the red-cupped sponsors which made my DVR trigger finger really itchy.)

Brooke White: The resident singer-songwriter chick (and my most recent fave) trots out 1984's Police classic "Every Breath You Take." From the announcement of the song choice I was worried. The song is a.) meant for a band, and b.) is a tale of paranoia at the dissolution of a relationship. Can this pure, sweet thing really convey that. Well, not really. She did fine. She did it playing the piano and managed to alter it enough to make it believable. 

The judges were on the fence about it. Most thought that if she would have left the band out of it it might have worked better. It's the first time I sort of agree with them all night.

Michael Johns: Here's where the blood vessel all but pops in my left temple. Aussie boy turns out Queen's 1978 "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions." (See my earlier comment about retiring songs that have been done on the show before.) I like Queen. I really do. But this/these song(s) are more clichéd than anything this side of "Y.M.C.A."

My motto: If a song is routinely heard at sporting event or wedding receptions, it doesn't ever need to be heard outside of those places. That way, if I avoid those places, I'm cool. See the logic?

And I'm not even getting at the unbearable chest-pounding arrogance of the MJ song/performance.

So ... the judges are enthralled. Oh, the pain! The pain!

Carly Smithson: The Tattooed Lady does Bonnie Tyler's 1984 hit "Total Eclipse Of The Heart." (Do they ever think that someone remembers anyone having done these songs well on the show before?) She wears an ill-fitting dress and pretty much shouts through the whole thing. I'm neither bothered or impressed. Same goes for the judges. (Side note: It seems the producers have managed to find a happy medium on lighting her scary-looking hubby.)

David Archuleta: Oh dear. Oh dear. What the hell is going on here? Aside from being really hung up on socially conscious songs ("Imagine" "Another Day In Paradise"), I can't imagine what would possess this kid to pull out 1990's John Farnham dud "You're The Voice." The song sounds like a bad (is there any other kind) contemporary christian song. And do you really want to compare yourself to the guy who replaced Glenn Shorrock in the Little River Band?

See?

Funniest moment of the night: When Randy and Paula say that they had never heard that song (who -- except for one person I know -- has), Simon, naturally has. Proving once again that while he's right about most things, his musical history is way skewed. He's never heard "Crazy On You" by Heart, but knows probably knows the entire canon of Kiki Dee.

Kristy Lee Cook: And here is where to hide all the sharp objects before I do something I will regret. This season's Carrie Underwood wannabe does ... wait for it ... Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The U.S.A."

...

...

Sorry, I had to run for the Pepto. Words cannot express the loathing I have for this song, the epitome of Republican jingoistic "the magic creature in the sky likes us better, damnit" bullshit which simply must be played at every GOP confab as if it was their official anthem.

Performance-wise, she did well. But no amount of pageant-worthy, flag-billowing-in-the-background high notes will make me not want to do unspeakable things to the creature who created this crap.

What do we have to cleanse the palate?

David Cook: Really, David Cook? That's all that's left? Sigh. OK, whataya got?

"Billie Jean," the 1982 Michael Jackson number which needs no introduction.

But ...

He Of The Black Fingernails decides to do this with a twist, all "alternative" and "post grunge-y." It's dark and edgy and he actually performs it well. The judges are ecstatic.

Now let's look at this again, shall we?

The dude copies Chris Daughtry (who if he wasn't sitting in the front row, I'd swear had jumped up on stage in a wig for another shot at the title) by covering an old song which is not of his chosen genre using a drastically different arrangement which was first done by an alterna-rocker (which most viewers haven't heard before).

So we have David Cook aping Daughtry mimicking Soundgarden's Chris Connell doing a Michael Jackson song.

And they praise him to the heavens for being original.

Day is night, up is down, war is peace ... and I'm still in pain.

Picks for the bottom three: Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson ... and if the magic lord of the ping-pong balls is merciful, Kristy Lee Cook.

Flavor Of Love 3
Episode: Halitosis Ohmyosis
March 24, 2008

Previously on Flavor Of Love: Shy got a clock but gets called out for stinky breath. Prancer gets to body paint with Flav. Hotlanta is suspected of hiding something.

Challenge: To help Flav create his own calendar. Helping him do this are former contestants Becky/Buckwild (we don't know which since her fake name was incinerated on Charm School) and Saaphyri (who never got a fake name since she got kicked off before getting on in her season). And when you're name is Saaphyri, do you really need a faker one?

Wooow #1: When Flav sees Saaphyri all classed up. (She was the winner of Charm School after all.)

The premise for the girls being here is because they are entrepreneurs. Buckwild (I guess Becky wasn't edgy enough, so she reverted.) is coming out with a clothing line. (Really? A girl who said she dressed like a slot machine?) And Saaphyri is coming out with a "line of lip chap."

Because who wouldn't want to buy chapped lips?

Task one, decide which girls get which months. And since Shy watches Tyra, she's qualified.

And Prancer wants to be in every month.

And Shy wants to do sexy, but her stretch marks may prevent that.

So Prancer decides she wants to create her own sexy pose on her own for every month. Which sets Shy and her stretch marks off.

Amazingly, we learn that the Things don't have modeling experience.

Next, Prancer and Seezinz sabotage Shy and Sinceer's Valentine's Day themed shoot.

Major ick moment #12: the Things make like they're in a sexy kiss. (Did we mention they are scary looking identical twins?)

The March shoot leads to a green-clad shout-off that drives the photographer to drink. Actually appropriate when you think about it.

Now it's time for Saaphyri and Buckwild to review the pictures. They seem to feel that there isn't enough ass in the Shy and Things pictures. And the "sexy" pictures of the Things almost kissing and Shy and Sinceer look like "amateur night at the strip club."

Winners: Prancer and Sinceer.

Later, the girls go after Hotlanta for having been a stripper.

And Shy decides to do something about her scary breath and makes a dentist appointment.

Now, Prancer thinks she may have gotten to the bottom of Shy's nasty mouth. It seems that while there are three girls using her bathroom, there are only two toothbrushes. Looks like someone doesn't brush their teeth.

Major ick moment #32: It looks like Shy doesn't brush her teeth.

The Things then overhear Hotlanta talking on the phone about getting money out of the fella whose name is tattooed on her neck. Class.

Prancer and Sinceer are issued their leotards for their special date with Flav. And while Prancer wants the date to be all about her, that doesn't work out too well when Seezinz starts the date by implanting her tongue down Flav's throat.

The date is ... learning how to do aerial acrobatics. It all starts with pulling Flav's legs apart like a wishbone. They climb ribbons, twirl on dangling hoops and yell "Flavor Flav!" a lot.

Back at the dentist's office, Shy gets examined. It seems she loves candy and won't have teeth at forty. And she says that she wants a Hollywood smile.

She'll need fillings, root canals, and teeth removed. (I hope VH-1 is paying for this.)

Afterwards, Shy tells Flav about the dentist. And she's very proud that she made a "mint chain" (a necklace made of mints) for the bachelor.

The Things rat out Hotlanta and Flav goes to discuss things with her. That's when Flav learns that the gal needs money from her first child's daddy (of course, she has three). The one whose name is tattooed on her back. (Wasn't it her neck?) And Flav is worried that he's only a meal ticket. With a funny hat.

Then it's time for Buckwild and Saaphyri to give Flav "the downscoop" on the girls' calendar.

Wooow #2: When Flav gets a look at the February portrait.

Saaphyri and Buckwild want Hotlanta or Shy to hit the road.

Elimination: All the girls are in pajamas for some reason. Flav changes things up and goes with sunglasses and a crown this time.

We learn that Shy's dental bills would come to $20,000. I don't think a mint necklace will cover that up.

Seezinz, Thing 1 & Thing 2, Sinceer and Prancer get their clocks, leaving Hotlanta and Shy.

I Ain't Gonna Lie #1: "... Hotlanta's story still sounds kinda fishy to me. Shy's got dentist problems, ya know what I'm sayin'?"

Hotlanta makes it. Shy's time is up. No free dental care for you!

Shy's real name is ... Monalisa. Monalisa?! With the smile? Damn! Didn't see that comin'.

So it's over and ... Wait! There's a twist!

Saaphyri and Buckwild make some weird announcement and four girls (or three girls and tranny, I can't really tell from here) come in. And they sure look better than most of the girls in the house. (But so would the cast of Lil' Aber.)

Whattaya know? New contestants!

Will we find out if the tall one has a penis? Tune in next time and find out!

I gotta say, it's awfully hard to be funny about a show that's already so absurd.

Trading Spaces

Episode: Divorce In The Desert

March 22, 2008

After an eleven-year marriage and a child, couple Debby and George get a divorce. Like most divorced couples, one half of the couple leaves the home. Unlike most couples, husband George buys a house down the street and is always in the same social circles with his now-ex.

Now they've decided to trade spaces! Let's see how this one turns out!

Right off the bat, the husband notices that Paige is dressed like a jester. Will we hear all manner of comedic puns this episode? Let's find out!

Debby's friend is Carrie. George is working with his buddy Silver. (Silver? Does he talk?)

George, apparently, didn't want the divorce. And when he left, he left behind everything, leaving him living in an empty house.

Can you guess that he wants to get back together?

Looks like they're doing Debby's bedroom. Awk-ward! Who wouldn't want to redecorate his ex-wife's bedroom to make it more inviting to a new guy?

And in George's house? His bedroom too!

Key Swap: Is he OK with this? He says he is. And who are our designers? ... Diva Doug and Cleavage Queen Lauren!

Doug and the dudes are working with resident himbo carpenter Brandon. Doug says he's covering the wall with a "covering." 

She has several crucifixes and a huge framed wedding picture.

At the other house, Team Cleavage is working with hot-but-obtuse carpenter Thad. Lauren has heavy carpentry plans. With Thad, that's probably not going to go too well.

Lauren's talking Spanish cabana and beams. Doug wants to upholster not only the entertainment center and all the walls, but, um, he wants to hang a mirror over the bed. George is sure to love that.

Is it just me, or is the idea of seeing oneself and one's partner in flagrante delecto from above a nauseating idea?

And Doug has brought a hatchet for George to ace the crap out of the room. Sublimation anyone?

Carrie both friends confide to the designers that the exes are having trouble moving on. As I guessed, he's more wanting a reconciliation than she is. Though he says differently.

Lauren's "special" project will be a "girl" project where they will take "suggestive" photos of each other and put them on the wall. (Brilliant!) A neck here, a clavicle there and an empty ring finger. (Way to twist the knife, ladies!)

Overnight during homework, the sadness and finality of the divorce hits Debby. Ah, that's what we were looking for! Tears? Damn, no tears!

Day Two: It looks like George drew a face and watchful eyes on the wall over where the bed's going to be with the words "I'm watching you." Yeah, he's completely over her.

It may even bleed through from under the paint.

And again he insists they're not ever going to get back together.

Awesome #1: Lauren commenting on the looks of her studded headboard.

Over at Team Doug, George has decided that he's converting an old chest into a cat bed so the cat won't disturb her sleep. Er, does he know anything about cats? Does he know the cat won't give a shit?

Back at Team Mammary, the "suggestive" pictures don't look suggestive at all. They don't look like anything. Except maybe x-rays. Naturally they decide to cut them to pieces and mount them somehow. Crappy art project accomplished!

Load in time! And George wants to put the wedding picture in the room. (See comment above.)

Designer Chat Lauren: The Spanish infulenced design looks ... well, nice. Hate the grey faux finish, like the beams on the ceiling. But the dissected photos looks worse than it sounds like they would.

Reveal Team George: He's smiling. Silver says George is "gonna have fun in this one." He like it.

George: "I think if Debby wanted me back she wouldn't have given me such a great room."

And the dissected pictures? He's not saying anything. (It's because they are, to put it mildly, stupid.)

Designer Chat Doug: Doug is proud of his room. And it does look very classy. The upholstery and sophisticated design are really nice. But will she like it? And what about that cat box ... sorry, bed?

Reveal Debby: She's giddy. She like the fabric/carpet on the walls. And the cat "bed?" Let's say she noticed.

Awesome #2: When Debby sees the wall unit.

Awesome #3: OK, she did like the cat bed.

And George says he's happy for her. And is really, really OK with being apart. Really.

Because they get to go to Home Depot!

Awesometer Rating: 3! A new low! (Why does this make me sad?)

Top Chef, Season 4

Episode 2: Zoo Food (or, Does Your Blini Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?)

"We're bears! Grrr!"

There. I just had to get that out of the way. In case you don't get the reference, go and rent John Waters' A Dirty Shame now.

Last time on Top Chef: A bunch of cheftestants descended on The Windy City and made pizza and a bunch of classic dishes. There were lesbians, a fellow I find impossibly sexy (with a really foul mouth) and a mousey woman who made salty shrimp who was 86'ed first.

Morning. It seems the first thing Chef Spike does is don one of his silly hats. Two of the female-chefs-I-can't-tell-apart (Stephanie and Valerie) worked together once and look forward to doing so on the show. The lesbian couple (Jennifer and Zoi) worry about having to compete against each other and apparently share shoes. (And what is it with all the chefs wearing the same black clogs? And in real life, too?)

Quickfire Challenge: At the local farmers' market, the chefs have to make an entree with ingredients from the market. The catch: they can only use a total of five ingredients in the dish. Run!

Chef Spike Of The Paula Abdul Hats takes some of his 30 minutes to groove on some crunchy tunes. Chef Richard Of The Fauxhawk gets some eucalyptus for his Mentholatum-inspired dish. And Chef Mark Of The Marmite paws through vendors' wares, rushes them and leaves stuff behind.

The guest judge is the molecular gastronomy icon Wylie Dufresne (who, being as I know as much about cooking as I do about astrophysics, I only know from his being an icon of Season Two's Marcel). Oh, and he has ridiculous hair.

Naturally, he is fond of Kiwi Mark's goofy sideburns.

My supersexy, twitchy Chef Andrew goofs by adding an extra ingredient and is disqualified from the challenge.

Pointy haired Richard is distraught that his icon didn't like his Chicken For Koalas dish.

Chefs Ryan and Valerie get kudos, but the win and immunity go to Chef Mark.

Elimination Challenge: Time to draw knives! Um, are we cooking vulture? Bear? Whaaa?

My Andrew (yes, he's mine, I say!) says he wants to be a lion. He does his lion noise. I'm so in love. ... Moving on ...

Penguin? Gorilla? OK, by this point they know that the animals won't be on the plate. They have to prepare a catered meal for 200 at the zoo, each one based on the diet of the animal their team has chosen.

Immediately Team Vulture is imagining a Road Kill Buffet. Thankfully, that is not the case.

And, seriously, how did Team Bear not end up being Andrew, Spike and Erik? Too obvious?

Team Gorilla consists of the three female chefs we can't tell apart, Chefs Stephanie, Antonia and Valerie. They want to put meat into a vegetarian menu.

Team Lion is Chefs Richard, Ryan and Erik. Lots of meat. Richard wants to do goofy stuff to the food.

Team Penguin consists of Chefs Lisa, Jennifer and my sweet, sweet Andrew. There will be seafood.

Team Bear is Chefs Dale (the required Asian villain with fauxhawk #3), Spike and Nikki. She has something to prove being a woman in a man's world. Dale doesn't like not being in control.

First we shop! Off to the sponsor! Lisa slips on lettuce. Down goes Chastity!

Time to cook! Each team has its challenges. Team Gorilla's Valerie is concerned about her black olive blinis being cooked before moving to the event. Team Penguin's Andrew is making a glacier and when asked how he's doing, he says, "We're sexy!" (Damn right!) Team Bear Nikki's working with mushroom caps that Dale ad Spike think look like turds.

Oh, by the way, what the hell is a blini and why is everyone pronouncing it "bellini?"

blini |ˈblinē; ˈblē-| (also bliny or blinis)
plural noun ( sing. blin |blin|)
pancakes made from buckwheat flour and served with sour cream.
ORIGIN Russian (plural); compare with blintz .

OK. Now we know.

To the zoo!

Team Bear still thinks the mushrooms look like poo. Nikki wants them to make them look pretty. Dale throws recklessly throws cheese on them to "put perfume on a pig." Well, it keeps with the animal theme anyway.

When the crowd shows up I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't a parade of lions and bears and penguins, but, hey, that's another show.

The guests and the judges seem to really love most of the dishes. Mark even converts people to the cult of anchovies with his dish. But Team Bear pulls the mushrooms because they are too cold. Team Gorilla's crab cakes were a dud, even without the chips which didn't make the plate.

And then there the blinis which a guest says "tasted a little bit like dirt." Never a good sign. I don't think gorillas eat dirt.

Nikki feels obligated to give some of the mushrooms to the judges. They really, really don't like them. Mostly because of the cheese.

Everyone is blown away by Sexy Andrew's glacier. And the team even had a black and white theme to its table.

A guest liked the teams that "stayed true to their animal." (Wasn't that a Beach Boys song?)

During a commercial break, we're asked if we think of Judge Tom as more of a ... a.) Gorilla, b.) Bear or c.) Penguin.

C'mon. But considering the vote wasn't 90% Bear only reminds me that straight people watch Bravo too.

Judges Table: Team Vulture and Team Penguin are the favorites. They loved everything from both  teams. But thanks to his squid dish, Sexy Andrew wins!

On the bottom, predictably, are Teams Gorilla and Team Bear (or as Andrew puts it, "the gorillas and Da Bearz").

Dale and Nikki spar over the mushrooms looking like poo and Dale's not tasting them after adding the cheese. Over on Team Gorilla, the judges are particularly unhappy with Stephanie's crab and Valerie's blini.

Called to pick which of her teammates was better, Chef Antonia picks Stephanie. Valerie is upset at being "backstabbed," since Antonia never tasted her dish.

The judges discuss. They can't decide who's more to blame for the mushrooms. 

Judge Gail: "It looked like something a bear would produce, not eat."

They think Stephanie saved herself with her excellent banana bread.

They rule.

For the second week, the weakest dish is paired with the least memorable personality (not that memorable personalties necessarily make better meals).

Chef Valerie is out.

Next Week On Top Chef: Running. A street fair. Lots of yelling. And Andrew saying he "ain't going nowhere." Misdirection, anyone? I hope.

American Idol: Results Show

March 19, 2008

Well, at least we didn't have to sit through another dose of Fox "synergy" this week before getting to the latest hour of what could really only take a minute and a half.

It's time to tell one contestant that he or she will be the last one to be shown the door before the rest of them take off on their national tour!

Please to enjoy these parting gifts chosen just for you! A lifetime supply of Turtle Wax, Coca-Cola tumblers and a DVD of Ford promotional spots. (You didn't really think you were getting a car or soda for life, right?)

Anyhoo ... Ryan's all excited to reveal this seasons "mentors" (read: veteran acts who have new albums they need to promote). This year we'll have lovely Dolly Parton, the frightening Andrew Lloyd Weber, the increasingly Golda Meir-looking Neil Diamond and the still-relevant Mariah Carey. (But can we forgive her for making it so no one even tries to sing an actual melody anymore?)

And the there's the song contest! Yes, dear reader, you too can compete to have your painfully treacly anthem of overcoming the odds be the painfully treacly anthem of overcoming the odds with which the final contestants are saddled! Imagine your joy when your sappy, unmemorable creation is interpreted by an AI contestant with a gospel choir and candles for the required sweeping chorus to the gashing of teeth of viewers coast to coast!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, your top eleven's tribute to Stars on 45! Come on, sing along! "The Stars on 45 keep turning in your mind ..." Clap, damnit! Clap!

Funny thing about the group singalong: Didja notice how Amanda didn't even bother trying to sing along with everyone else? Or even mouth the words? If they hadn't given her a ten second solo, she might as well have been a skunk-striped potted plant if potted plants could perform very basic dance moves.

On to the executions!

This time, the kids are trotted out one at a time to Ryan who does the obligatory performance review and sends them either to the comfy Top Ten couch or the unyielding Bottom Three stools. But, as usual, the order in which they are called pretty much telegraphs (for some) their fate.

After a few kids are sent to the couches, Carly Smithson Of The Ink-Stained Finger is sent to the bottom three. Gasps all around. The camera purports to show Carly's husband and friends in the audience, but either his face tattoos are all on the far side of his face or she's got herself a new hubby there. Just sayin'.

Still, it seems hard to fathom that her power ballad-y take on "Blackbird" deserved bottom three status.

After a couple more contestants are passed over to the couches (and you have to know you're not in the bottom three if you walk out right after Carly), Kristy Lee Cook walks right to the stools since she's got a permanent home there. (Nah, she played along and suffered Ryan first.)

And this is the part of our program where we fill thirty minutes with infomercials, pats on the back for outrageous altruism and excruciating audience participation.

First the infomercial. Not only do we have to see the kids in a commercial billed as a "music video," but we have to sit through a "making of" video wherein the kids fight frostbite on Maria Von Trapp's mountaintop before turning the Clash's "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" into a '50s sci-fi movie paired with SUV worship.

Is that the sound of Joe Strummer spinning in his grave?

Back to the show!

Wait! No! Now we heap praise on ourselves for having raised money for needy people in Africa and the U.S. Yea for us! Look, Fantasia and Eliot Yamin went to Angola and distributed desperately needed mosquito nets! We're swell.

But not nearly as swell as the people of Exxon/Mobil who gave bucks to the program! Yer so great! You know that nasty oil spill in Alaska a while back and the most obscene profits ever made by a corporation in the history of mankind? Never mind! You helped with Idol Gives Back. We like you now.

Back to the torture.

The producers did not jettison the horrible live phone calls thing and made us sit through Ryan being cute and engaging in disarming, vaguely homophobic banter with Simon. And a woman having the nerve to question Simon's lack of fashion when he spends a million bucks for a car. And a girl asking Ramiele what was the last song she "downloaded on her iPod." (For the record, it was "I'm A Flirt" by R. "I Don't Pee On People" Kelly.)

The bloat continues with Season Five contestant Kellie Pickler, who Ryan cheekily notes "has grown" in all sorts of ways since she left the show. Yep, we know. Boob job. She's a proud addition to the pop culture firmament and a noble role model for America's youth, proving that you can go really far by being dumb as a box of hammers if you can get people to laugh at you for it. Oh, and make sure you have a set of knockers which will make sure people take you seriously as an artist, too.

She sings "Red High Heels," her country hit that has been out for over a year which is as unmemorable now as it was the last three times I heard it. The only thing that stands out this time (other than her perky busom) is the new (?) tattoo on her right foot.

Can you tell I'm not a fan?

Finally we get to the rest of the bottom three. Who will join Kristy Lee and Carly on the stools?

Astonishingly, cute little Ramiele Malubay is going to tour with the top ten rather than the Mulan stage show at Epcot Center.

So who will it be, Chikeze or Amanda Overmyer? It's  ... Amanda.

And who will be the first of the bottom three to escape to safety? Carly! Whew. That would have been a shock.

Kristy steps into the groove she has worn in the floor from the stools to the bottom two mark on the floor. And once again ... she's safe.

Amanda gets to go back to Indiana to sing in local bars, poor thing. It's been nice knowing you.

Oh, and on your way back, bone up on the lyrics to "Back In The U.S.S.R." You forgot them again.

American Idol, Beatles Night II

March 18, 2008

Due to "popular demand" (read: it cost too damn much to get the Lennon/McCartney songs to only do them one week), we get to hear them for a second week. And since we're calling it "Beatles Night," we can incorporate the music of George Harrison and Ringo Starr.

Funny how they didn't mention the songs of Ringo Starr.  What? No one's doing "Octopus's Garden?"

Anyhoo, here we go bravely into the "mosh pit." (Incidentally, are boys allowed in there or is there a chromosome check before you're allowed in?)

First up: Amanda Overmyer doing "Back in The U.S.S.R." OK, we get it, you're a bluesy rocker chick. Does that preclude you from singing the words in any way that anyone's going to understand. Or is that to make sure you don't have to learn the lyrics?

Simon says that doing the same kind of thing every week is going to get boring. She says she wants to give people a taste of what they'd see at an Amanda Overmyer concert if they bought a ticket. Simon thinks she's getting ahead of herself on that tack. She wisely backpedals and says that the concert could even be at a local bar in her hometown. (Probably where she'll be performing in weeks.)

Next: Kristy Lee Cook takes on "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away," in my estimation one of the weaker Beatles' songs and not one which is clearly suited to a singing competition. Somehow, the unusual arrangement manages to make it interesting, though she has trouble getting the notes right. No one seems to notice the bum notes and Simon says that while better than last week's abomination, it was forgettable.

And that's when she says that she wants to "blow (Simon) out of his socks."

Lots of puerile giggles follow and no one can manage to get to the commercial break with a straight face. Must be visualizing Her Hotness doing just that.

Must. Not. Picture. Nastiness. Involving. Sassy. Brit. With. Trimmed. Chest. Hair.

Moving right along, we get to Pocket Idol (a/k/a David Archuleta) who is tasked with erasing the memory of his forgetting his lyrics last week. He pulls off "The Long And Winding Road" with aplomb. But a curious thing happens.

Surely you've noticed how Mr. Dimples licks his lips in between each musical phrase when he takes a breath. Well, it looks like the Powers That Be have noticed that too, since they were sure to be in a long shot or reverse shot for virtually each garter snake tongue flick.

Still, I counted at least six.

Maybe that's how he smells the air.

Of course, the judges love the performance.

Next, Michael Hutchence channeler Michael Johns attempts to boil down the seven minute classic "A Day In The Life" down to a minute and a half. It doesn't work. He sings the wrong lines in places. (Not that anyone notices. Perhaps they were too distracted from the dizzying round-and-round-and-round-and-upchuck camera work.) He did a fine job on the INXS-posing with the both-hands-on-the-mike-and-rocking-left-and-right singing, but it was, to my mind, mediocre.

For the most part, the judges think so too. But the Aussie singer thinks that since the song had special meaning to a departed friend, it was the right choice. When will these people learn that just because a song has special meaning to you (or your dad, or late Aunt Trudy or your dead puppy Ruffles) doesn't make it the right song for you to sing.

And then Paula managed to outdo herself in the "most embarrassing moment" category. She spends a minute and change attributing Michael's lackluster performance to his wearing monitors in his ears for the first time. (It seems that after disallowing them for contestants in all but the most unusual circumstances,  AI is now allowing the kids to wear those self-monitoring earpieces when they sing, as do most all professional singers these days.)

It isn't until Ryan Seacrest pipes up that Johns reveals that he isn't wearing an earpiece. Ms. Straight Up tries to say something to cover her shame. Simon "Not A Viagra Spokesman" Cowell relishes the soul-crushing moment. As so all the people in charge of  the Friday night clip shows.

Good times.

Up next: Sunny Brooke White has to follow up last week's stellar performance of "Let It Be" and is stumped. So she chooses to do George Harrison's "Here Comes The Sun." Something in me hopes she'll do the Richie Haven's take on it. Instead she opts to do it without playing an instrument herself. She wears yellow and twitches awkwardly, even letting out an extemporaneous "YEAH!" mid song.

The judges are all let down, but call me a sucker for my new favorite, but I kinda loved it. For me she was doing the Beatles via Edie Brickell and Nicolette Larson. Boo, judges!

Then it's on  to DAUGHBuckNickelCreeFeulTRY lead singer David Cook Of The Painted Nails. (Can you tell I don't care for him?)  Fresh off everyone creaming over his overwrought performance last week, I wasn't expecting much. But, as much as it pains me to say this, his take on Whitesnake's take on "Day Tripper" was ...  er ...  great. I even liked the Frampton Live At Buddakan vocorder.

I totally didn't understand why the judges changed their tune on him from last week. Sheesh.

I did understand why Seacrest wasn't going to stick someone else's mouthpiece in his on live television. Smart move, shorty.

Carly Smithson then did "Blackbird," a quiet, plaintive ditty. In order to give it some life in this context, she chose to change it up some and turn it into a quasi-power ballad. The judges weren't impressed and made like they wanted more of the same. Paula's meds kicked in around this time and she started going on about Simon talking about blackbirds and sparrows and ink and other assorted hallucinations. Carly defended herself with the same "I wanted to send a sentimental message" hoo hah seen a million times before. Something about the music biz making her a broken bird. It made Simon uncomfortable.

Speaking of uncomfortable, it seems that they've dug Carly's face-tattooed hubby out of Sadaam's hidey hole. And, instead of cloaking him in shadows like Deep Throat, they've put him under a spotlight in the front row behind the judges. And just to remind everyone how the Mike Tyson-inspired spouse has been such a good influence on our Irish lass, Carly takes this moment to show everyone how she has had the number seven tattooed permanently on her right ring finger. (Her call-in number this week was seven.)

Ryan asked what would have happened if they changed the order tonight; she said it was for being on Season Seven. Yeah, now it makes all kinds of sense. But why not on your forehead?

Gotta leave 'em wanting more, I suppose.

Next: Jason Castro, the cheery dreadlocked one. He decides this week to go through the entire Beatles catalogue and make sure he picks the most childish tune he can find, "Michelle." (Incidentally, is there a woman with that name who has anything but outright loathing for that song?) It is the first truly cringe-worthy moment of the night.

Seacrest, of course, has to make it worse by insisting on saying things in French "in honor" of the song's Gallic passages.

My girl Sayesha Mercado then takes on "Yesterday," THE most covered song ever. Astoundingly, she does what few on this show have ever done: convey real pain and vulnerability in a ballad on stage. Bravo. The judges are impressed. But Simon has to get in a dig that it's the song that Brooke should have done.

Then, Chikeze decided to go back to the well for another less-than-well-known Beatles song, this time "I've Just Seen A Face." So far so good. But when he whips out a harmonica and goes back to the bluegrass/country/rock well for half the song's arrangement, it goes off the rails for the judges. I liked it, but it was too close to last week's performance and it paled in comparison.

Finally, poor, poor Ramiele Malubay stole one of Paula's old hats and did a chipper, Carnival cruise-worthy performance of "I Should Have Known Better." Yes, she should have. It was a baffling choice and gave us our second "What Was She Thinking" moment. It was really sad. And reminiscent of a middle school talent night.

My picks for the bottom three Wednesday: Ramiele, Michael and, um, Chikeze.

We'll see!