Top Chef Chicago
Episode: High Steaks (Or, Oh! The Butchery!)
May 28, 2008

Previously On Top Chef: At the end of the Peloponnesian Restaurant Wars, Stephanie and her wondrous bosom emerged victorious. Dale and Lisa managed to not throw chairs at each other. Spike stayed out of the fracas. And Dale was dispatched.


It's morning in Top Cheflandia and the Blow Drier Brigade is cheery that for the first time in the 37 year history of Top Chef three women are in the final five. Which means that the odds are in their favor for a woman to finally take the prize. (This should compensate nicely for that whole Hillary thing, I figure.)

Quickfire Challenge: The chefs hop into their pornographically promoted sponsored gas guzzlers and head to Allen Brothers, a Chicago purveyor of fine, fresh meat (and the occasional surprise which we'll discover later).

There some woman in a hairnet, who looks nothing like the lovely Padma. She introduces the cheftestants to some dry-age, long-bone ribeye steaks. She also introduces them to some fashion accessories which we're told are required of meat handlers by not only the Food and Drug Administration and its three meat inspectors nationwide but also by the federal government. (It would seem that the Bush Administration privatized the FDA when we weren't looking.) The accessories include hairnets, hats and, for Chef "You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Hat" Spike a special scraggly beard mask.

They don the garb -- plus waist-high body armor which was diverted from Iraq -- and go head onto the killing floor. (OK, it's the butchery room, so sue me.) Spike says he's really excited about this challenge because in addition to his 31 years as a short order cook, his grandfather was a butcher and he spent 16 years as a butcher himself (right before he originated the role of Edna Turnblad in Hairspray).

NotPadma tells the chefs that they will have to take a herd of cattle and whittle it down to seven "tomahawk" steak chops in 20 minutes. And they will have to "be sure that the bone is frenched," which thanks to the Supreme Court, is now legal in Illinois.

Spike's seven decades in meat-choppery have not been spent idly smoking dope (see Bravotv.com for more on that), as he deftly hacks the dry age off the VW-sized hunk of meat and nimbly produces his chops. (However, he did pull beard mask off for this. Someone really should inform the FDA and the government agents.)

Chef "It's A Sunshine Day" Lisa reminds us that with only five chefs left, there is no room for error.

NotPadma calls time and tells the chefs to grab their meat and head out the GE Monogram© Kitchen.

When they arrive there, they are greeted by RealPadma and her astounding bedonkadonk. Oh, yeah, and some dude. His name is Rick Tramonto and he is the King O'Steaks in Chi-town.

Anyways .... Food, yes, we were talking about food. ... (Sorry the bootylicious one was distracting me.) ... The challenge will be to prepare a perfect tomahawk steak for Chef Rick. And he likes his steaks medium rare.

For some reason, this panics the chefs. Chef "Pointy On Top, Pink And Round On The Bottom" Richard tells us that this will not be about the flavor, but about the butchery and the doneness of the meat.

Lisa tells us the secret to cooking this steak will be to spend a lot of time touching it while it cooks, while Spike ("Did I Mention My Years Of Studying Orangutans In The Wild?") knows that it's best to put the steaks in the oven for the last stage of its preparation.

Richard is bummed he won't be able to make "steaks" out of granola and wheat germ instead, but makes do with an actual steak. Meanwhile, Chef "Enough With This Rack; Did You Get A Load Of My Rack Last Week?" Stephanie almost fries Lisa's face with steak splatter.

Everyone insists their steaks need to "rest" after all this work.

Time for judging.

Padma and Rick taste Richard's roasted, charred and torched steak. They approve. Richard finds that  "awesome."

Lisa says her pan-fried steak was able to fulfill her girlhood wish of working in a butchery.

Chef "Radar, Up There; Me, Way Down Here" Antonia says her steak is well rested.

Chef Rick issues his verdict: Stephanie's steak was not enough like a lollipop. Richard's, similarly, did not impress.

He loved Lisa's touchy-feely lollipop, Spike's butchery and Antonia's crustiness. But it's Spike with his generations of butchering experience who carries the day. (I also understand he worked on a fishing trawler in the North Sea, plumbing the depths for blue fin tuna in the '60s.)

Spike doesn't get immunity, but does get a leg up in the ...

Elimination Challenge: The chefs will be taking over Chef Rick's beloved Tamonto's Steak & Seafood restaurant the following night. They will be able to either make delicious meals which will enhance the establishment's stellar reputation, or cause it to lose it's Zagat rating with comments like "undercooked steak," "badly seasoned side dishes" and "broccolini."

Each chef will have to create an appetizer and an entrée. And they will have to create their menu from what they find in Rick's kitchen. (Did the sponsor grocery not pony up for this challenge?)

And Spike's "advantage"? He'll get first pick in the kitchen for his proteins for both the appetizer and the entrée.

Lisa says Spike's going to be screwed by this advantage, since he's going to be rushed into making a choice which he can't take back. (There's no way that that's going to happen, right?)

They go back to Casa Cheftestant for more steaks and chatter about Spike's eight decades of butchering experience and his years of decoding German military missives for the Allies in the big war.

They cook steaks, drink Sponsor Water and conveniently discover garbage bags which are emblazoned with a three-foot Glad© logo on the outside. Because when you're out touring your local land fill, you want to be sure everyone knows it's Glad© products holding in those rotting banana peels and coffee grounds.

The next night, they arrive at Tramonto's and marvel at the decor and the kitchen. Spike must think it's such a shame he doesn't have the time to redo it in purple and gold.

Spike is then goosed into his mad dash to pick his proteins. He runs right for the tomahawk steaks. And since he had scallops in mind for his appetizer, he grabs a bag of frozen scallops from the freezer.

Everyone is stunned that Spike chose frozen seafood.

The chefs have three hours to create and pretty much everyone creates on the fly, making dishes they haven't made before. Stephanie opts to make sweetbreads, which she informs us are the thymus glads of veal. She says that while that "sounds really unappetizing, it's like a Chicken McNugget if it's done right."

Clearly, I've never had one that was done right.

Lisa is in love with the restaurant's ricer and uses it to make peanut butter mashed potatoes while Richard takes hamachi tuna and cuts it into bacon-like strips. (So, would that be "bacon," then?)

Next it's Antonia's turn to try to take out Lisa in the kitchen. Her secret plan is to roast her over an open flame. When Lisa protests, Antonia insists her fire "needs air." Besides, doesn't Lisa have her magical flame-retardant bandanna handy?

In another part of the kitchen, Spike is beginning to discover that his scallops are crap. He figures that being a chef means being able to mitigate crap.

Then it's Tom's "freak the chefs out" time. First, he hits Antonia's station. She tells him what she's preparing and says that she would have liked to cook scallops, but after seeing that they were frozen scallops, she wasn't disappointed that Spike took them. Tom makes a face.

After he chats with Stephanie, he heads to Richard's station where he sees Croc Dude's "bacon."  But when he learns of the relative simplicity of one of Richard's dishes, he calls it "pretty straightforward for you."

At that, Richard breaks into a cold sweat and his fauxhawk droops with worry.

Then, it's off to quiz Lisa and Her Magical Bandanna. She says she's doing "grilled and chilled" shrimp and a steak with the peanut butter mashed potatoes. Tom makes a face.

Spike's turn. We spend a moment discussing his astounding butchering skills, which were learned at the feet of the trappers in the Appalachian woods during the French and Indian War. Tom mentions that the others were surprised that Spike would pick frozen scallops. Spike says he "doesn't have a problem with frozen scallops." Tom makes a face.

Spike says that if he can make these scallops look good, he "can make anything look good." Like mustard-colored fedoras from the jazz age. And patchy beards.

Tom then reveals that tonight he will also will be playing the part of "friendly guy who expedites service" (in addition to his usual "scary dude who freaks people out while they cook" role).

Antonia says that that's "awesome."

Stephanie says that that's "awesome."

At crunch time, Spike starts to regret that, again, an "advantage" he has been given has "bitten him in the ass." Nowhere does he mention that it is his own decisions about using those advantages that have so munched his posterior.

During the break, Bravo asks us to vote on "who was chopped too soon?" Andrew, Dale or Jennifer. (Surely America sees Andrew for the glorious being of crazysexycoolcookery that he is, right?)

When we come back, Richard reminds us that with five chefs left "there is no room for error."

And that's when Tom reveals tonight's "VIP guests." They are the winners of the three previous seasons of Top Chef, Chef Harold "Keep Your Head Low And Cook" Dieterle,  Chef Ilan "Am I A Bigger Douche Now Or Was I Always This Way?" Hall and Chef Hung "Say It With Me, 'My Monkey Could Do That'" Huynh.

Asked to give this year's chefs advice, Harold tells them to make good food. Hung tells them to try hard and not just try to win "fan favorite." Ilan says to not shave anyone's head. Oh, and to ignore all rules of style and decorum and wear t-shirts, shorts and flip-flops to your favorite fine dining establishment.

(To be fair, Ilan left his shorts and flip-flops at home for this. It was autumn in Chicago, after all.)

The judges (minus Tom) are seated with the previous season winners and then Tom throws the chefs for a loop by having them make tasting portions of their dishes. Which no one expected. After three seasons. And how many challenges?

First is Lisa's "grilled and chilled" shrimp appetizer. Most are puzzled by the "chilled" aspect, though Harold gets it. Rick loves the lemongrass.

Next, Richard's traditional not-what-we-say-it-is dish. Sweetbreads are involved somehow. Everyone adores it.

Third comes Spike's Frozen Scallops Of Doom. No one really cares for it. Plus, Padma thinks the hearts of palm on it are canned.

They wash down the taste with some delicious Sponsor Water.

Time for Stephanie. "Sweetbreads in the window!" she calls. (Hmm. I think I saw Sweetbreads In The Window at Lollapalooza in '94.)

Her sweetbreads are a major hit.

Antonia's appetizer, a poached egg over some salad of sorts, is served. It seems that poaching eggs to order is tough and she pulled it off. But, otherwise, it's not impressing.

Then come the entrées. First up, Richard's tenderloin. We get a cute back and forth between Richard, who is slowly coordinating the dish's 32 moving parts, and Tom, who wants to serve the guests.

At the table, the response is dramatic. The meat is very rare; the dish is very complex; and Chef T-Shirt says that tenderloin is his "least favorite cut of meat." (Well, maybe if he put saffron on it, he'd like it better.)

Ilan further says that the dish's complexity doesn't make it a "relaxed dining experience; it's a project." (So I guess "relaxed dining experience" is what he was going for in the wardrobe. And here I was thinking that maybe the airline lost his luggage.)

Then, Lisa's peanut butter mashed potatoes prove to be a surprise hit, but no one likes her meat.

Spike's turn. Everyone marvels at his astonishing butchering skills, honed atop Mount Olympus when he interned under Hephaestus. Nothing else on the plate is scoring, though. Ilan wants to have his mind blown.

Later, Stephanie's steak entrée is universally adored and Ilan falls in love with Antonia's steak. (It must have lots of saffron.)

Off to the Stewed Room for brewskis! Spike wants wine. Lisa wants a Xanax©. (Bravo is certainly getting some interesting sponsors this season.)

Lisa, the flower of daintiness that she is, offers a toast to everyone, saying how they've all "been through a shitload," they have "rocked these challenges," adding that everyone is "fucking awesome."

Judges' Table: Everyone is called in at once to the last judges' table in Chicago.

Richard can't even say how he thinks he did, he's so nervous. He gets his mixed reviews.

Stephanie shows the first glimmer of nervousness and, charmingly, says that the judges are freaking her out.
 
When the judges start to go over Lisa's dish, for the first time in her natural life, she uncrosses her arms and adopts an open posture.

The judges discuss her offerings. Gail loved the lemongrass, but thought the shrimp shouldn't have been chilled. Rick "couldn't get (his) arms around" it.

Lisa goes back to her trademark "This looks like a fake ID, kid!" bouncer pose.

Antonia's entrée is called the "perfect steakhouse" meal.

And then there's Spike. Compromisin', enterprisin', anything but tranquilizin' Spike.

Despite getting raves for his steak, the issue of the scallops cannot be avoided. Tom says that when you see frozen scallops you should run screaming from the kitchen. Rick says that when a vendor brings your restaurant something like that you should kick them in the nuts and curse their offspring.

"With all due respect," Spike gamely retorts, "they were in your walk-in. And it shouldn't make it in the walk-in if it's not high quality."

(Everyone knows that in this day and age, "with all due respect" translates to "if you didn't have the brain cells of a rutabaga ...")

Richard's fauxhawk gets excited at this. Tom takes a sudden interest in his soul patch. Lisa makes a face like she's just been goosed by Xena, Warrior Princess.

Rick tells the "bro" that he'll take the hit for having the scallops in his freezer, but Spike must be punished for using the unspeakable food substance.

As the chefs make their way out for the judges to deliberate, Spike makes a half-assed attempt to clean up the poo-stains he has left on the judges by reaching over and shaking Rick's hand, saying, "It's an honor."

It'll take more that that to get that stink out.

Back in the Stewed Room, Spike expresses his regret over the snotty outburst and says he doesn't want to go home. Lisa, the portrait of grace, says that "none of us fucking wanna go home."

In discussing the chefs, the judges seem most torn as to who performed best, Stephanie, Antonia or Richard. In discussing Spike, they are aghast that he would even cast eyes upon a frozen scallop. In discussing Lisa, they think she's "apathetic" about what she does.

Clearly, they've never seen her attack a rotting antelope carcass on a sunny day on the savannah. 'Cause when she gets her teeth into that, there's nothing "apathetic" there.

The judges feel that both Lisa's and Spike's appetizers were equally unimpressive, leaving them to base their decision on the main course.

They call the chefs back in.

But first ... let's see how America voted on the question "who was chopped too soon?"

Dale by 53%?! And not my precious Andrew?! He only got 18%!? What is with you people?! Andrew, you know that only I can truly understand you.

We come back for the final judgment. The chefs join hands and chant, "Red rover, red rover, send Padma right over!"

When that doesn't work, Rick just issues the verdict.

The one that made the best two dishes overall was ... Stephanie. She's startled, and gleeful. She gets to go to Puerto Rico for the finale!

She says that that's "awesome."

And for winning, she gets ... a cookbook.

Wow.

And an entire GE Monogram© kitchen! Woo! It's sponsoriffic!

For having made the favorite appetizer, Richard gets to go to Puerto Rico! Yea, Crocs!

For having made the favorite entrée, Antonia gets to go to Puerto Rico! Yea, single moms!

Antonia says making it to the final four is "awesome."

Which leaves Spike and Lisa. Tom reminds us that Lisa's been in the bottom group at judges' table five times this season and Spike has been there seven times.

Tom says that Lisa hasn't been "ferocious" with the dishes she's prepared. And she looks like she's fixin' to make a meal of Tom's shiny noggin.

Tom again goes off on Spike not having the sense to place the frozen scallops in a biowaste disposal kit the moment he saw them.

Spike is knifed.

Lisa lives to bite another day. In Puerto Rico. Where she promises to "bring it." And by "it," she means her Magic Bandanna and ebullient personality.

She promises she will "shock the shit out of the judges."

Um, which will it be? Will she wear a ball gown or finally make a meal that's seasoned well? Tune in next week to find out?

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs are in Puerto Rico for the finale. And they've all had makeovers! And Antonia thinks it's "awesome."

Top Chef Chicago
Episode: Restaurant Wars (Or, Goofus And Gallant Open Rival Eateries)
May 21, 2008

Previously on Top Chef: Everyone was beat down, except for my crazysexycool Andrew. Sam showed up and brought sexysaladback. Everyone made boxed lunches. Andrew's "rice" was "strange." Dale won the challenge. Lisa hollered "sabotage" and ratted out Andrew. Dandy Andy was sent packing. And I went into mourning.


It's 5: 45 a.m. and your chefs are safe and asleep. But there's a judge in the Top Chef house and he's yelling. Something's happening in the show. It's a challenge. Who will win? A guest judge will decide. Whether it's someone who knows how to cook eggs, has worked as a short order cook and is ready to take on the brutal elimination challenge near the end of this season.

It's 5:45 a.m. and your chefs are safe and asleep. Who do you want to win the challenge?


Quickfire Challenge: After rousing the cheftestants, Chef Tom tells them that they are heading to a famous Chicago diner where they will be cooking breakfast for the morning rush. They will be working the egg station.

Chef "It's Strategy, Not Sabotage!" Spike tells us that cooking eggs (not soup, apparently) is the most precise cooking in the world. He asks everyone to "get the egg out of here."

It seems that when Andrew left, he bequeathed his punmanship to Spike.

The chefs are introduced to Helene, the sassy diner manager who will be judging the challenge. Each chef will man the egg station for a few minutes and she will pick which one she would hire.

Spike tells us that he was a short order cook for six or seven years. Oh, and also that he hasn't made eggs in a "very, very, very long time." Making a hard boiled egg requires too damn much precision, I suppose.

Chef "Yo Biotch!" Antonia is first up and she wisely repeats back every shouted order and gets things right. Everyone else is shown in quick cuts which screams, "Yeah, we need to get this over with so we can devote time to the main challenge."

Spike lets us all in on a couple of the super hidden secrets of short order cookery, since he's done that for years. Chef Lisa, "America's Next Disney Princess," melts a styrofoam box with her stare. And Chef "Jam Master D" Dale says he can "handle shit pretty well."

Antonia wins her third Quickfire. She finds that "awesome."

Tom tells the chefs that he won't be at the elimination challenge and hands them a super-secret message which can only be decoded with the magic decoder ring, better known as a sponsored cell phone.

Then the drivers take them to where they would be going anyway.

Elimination Challenge: The chefs arrive in a huge, empty room with stacked chairs and a Padma centerpiece. She informs them that it's time for ... Restaurant Wars! Woo hoo!

Lisa tells us that this is what she's "fucking been waiting for." That, and biting through someone's carotid artery.

Two teams of three will each have 24 hours to create a restaurant, ready to serve 35 diners with a budget of $1,500 for food and $5,000 for furnishings from a sponsor who sells nothing but scented candles and wicker balls.

As the winner of the Quickfire, Antonia gets to choose her team. Wisely, she picks Chef "Who Says You Need A Personality To Win This Thing?" Stephanie and Chef "Does This Girly Headband Properly Accent My Pink Clogs?" Richard for their skills (and even temperament).

This leaves Dale, Spike and Lisa to battle like piranhas in a three-foot tank. Stephanie notes that these are the same groupings which worked together on the Wedding Wars challenge, which her team won. Dale says, yeah, well ... we don't have Nikki's horribleness holding us back this time.

Let's see how that works out.

Team Gallant (Antonia, Richard and Stephanie) plans its menu calmly, deciding on a "Gastro Pub" style: "fine dining food, but in a relaxed atmosphere."

Team Goofus (Dale, Lisa and Spike) argue over how to best present their "Asian Fusion" cuisine.

Dale and Lisa each want to prove themselves to be the master of all Asian food and can't decide on who should be executive chef. Rather than settle it by pistols at twenty paces, they flip a coin and Dale wins. Lisa is overjoyed. Spike, wisely, stays out of it.

Team Gallant quickly and efficiently work together to purchase all the items that they will need to create their dishes.

Team Goofus can't find certain ingredients and grab a "rice pudding" package to make their "sticky rice" dish.

Everyone hops into their sponsored, pornographically photographed vehicles and head to the sponsored, over-scented furnishings store.

Team Gallant looks to create a "warm and inviting" look, which will be handled by Stephanie, who will be in charge of the front of house.

Team Goofus puts the man with the silly hats in charge of the look and choose to decorate their space with 152 Buddha statues.

Richard, whose restaurant will be called Warehouse Kitchen, recaps his team's menu, which will feature his trademark "clever" names for things like "Lamb²" and banana "scallops."

It's "charming³."

Lisa, whose restaurant will be called Mai Buddha, recaps her menu, which will include a specialty shrimp soup called laksa, mango sticky rice and Dale's second try at halo-halo (a Filipino shaved ice dessert).

Antonia is not surprised that Dale is doing Asian food for the 23rd time. Spike is contributing only his short ribs recipe to the kitchen. And Stephanie has trouble getting her pasta rolled out.

Enter Chef of Doom, Anthony Bourdain.

He tells the chefs that while Tom's away, he will be filling in on "kitchen freak-out" duty.

Learning that world traveler and noted fetal duck egg eater Bourdain will be judging their Asian food, Spike worried that they will have to be particularly good in order to impress him. Oh, and he says that Dale "pissed his pants a little."

Team Gallant tells the judge that they're putting experienced restaurateur Stephanie in charge of the front of house and that they will not use Richard's smoke gun gimmick this time. They make the impossible occur when Bourdain smiles.

Team Goofus can't speak with a single voice when questioned. And when Bourdain tells Lisa that he has had 100 different kinds of laksa and knows what they should taste like, Lisa says that's "awesome."

Away from him, she says "shit."

Bourdain tells the camera that while one team is setting low expectations, the other is setting really high ones. He reminds us that Asia is a big place.

He tells the chefs that they're getting another pair of hands to help them in the kitchen. With that, the last several eliminated chefs march in, knives in tow.

Dale immediately picks Chef "Doin' It For Zoi" Jennifer for his team, which she finds "awesome."

Antonia promptly picks Chef "Did I Mention I'm Italian?" Nikki and sets her to her patented pasta making.

The remaining chefs, my darling Andrew included, are passed over and head out, probably to make another Mis En Place rap video.

Team Gallant works together quietly to finish preparing its dishes, quickly fixing what would have been a problem with grit in its clams.

Team Goofus argues over who pulled the rice off the stove before it was ready and how to best fix Dale's brown avocado, puke-colored dessert topping.

Lisa, whose personality does not "suck ass," tells us that she's having to overcome Dale's poor attitude in the kitchen.

Dale and Spike taste Lisa's soup and declare it "smoky," but don't know how to fix it. Spike announces that he isn't taking responsibility for that mess.

Just as soon as we hear Stephanie describing her team's casual environment and saying that "eating and drinking isn't meant to be stuffy  and (make one) wear a suit and tie," we cut to Spike and wearing a suit and tie right out of 1992.

This is the guy in charge of decor.

Lisa, who's "being forced" to do the second dessert, then discovers that the rice in her mango sticky rice is a splendid yellow mush. Dale tells her to follow the recipe on the box and walks away.

Then, it's time to let in the diners.

Stephanie, opts to distract her diners with her cleavage and kicky boots. Spike instead goes for hypnotizing the diners with his loud, pink, swirl-patterned tie.

The judges arrive and Padma introduces the guest judge for the challenge, Spanish chef José Andrés.

In the kitchen, Richard thanks Nikki for her help, declaring her "awesome."

Team Gallant serves the judges a variety of delicious dishes, which all turn out better than expected. Each one features great presentation and flavor.

Team Goofus decorates its space in purple and gold, making Bourdain think of "the back of Prince's van." They deliver dishes which don't taste very good.

Meanwhile, cheery Lisa is still butting heads with delightful Dale, saying his "delivery is obnoxious." Spike argues with Lisa over the size of the braised short rib portions. And Dale says Lisa can't take criticism very well.

We imagine Lisa responds to that with a pick ax.

When the team serves its butterscotch miso scallops, the judges all recoil at the candy-like entrée.

Spike then returns to the kitchen, says that the judges loved everything, offers everyone a beer and says that that everyone is "awesome."

The team ends its service with the desserts. And while the halo-halo was saved, Bourdain calls the supposed mango sticky rice "baby vomit with wood chips."

Judges' Table: Padma enters the Gladware© Stewed Room and calls in the members of Team Gallant as the winning team.

The judges ask the chefs who came up with each of their favorite dishes and, for virtually all of them, Stephanie raises her hand. This gives us lots of time for some long, lingering shots of Stephanie's boobage.

Stephanie wins the challenge and a posh trip to Spain. She disappoints the camera crew by not jumping up and down with glee.

Now, Team Goofus has to face the music. And Lisa takes her trademark club bouncer pose.

The questioning begins.

Dale takes responsibility for the "melted candy bar" -like butterscotch scallops. Lisa takes responsibility for the "nose in a campfire" laksa.
Spike denies making the decor choices.

Lisa says she made the laksa. Dale admits he didn't know what a laksa should taste like. Spike says he came up with the idea of doing the laksa, but says his would have been much better.

The judges liked the ribs, so who did those, they ask. Dale says he made them. Spike says it was his recipe.

And then there is the sticky rice, which one of the diners called "baby food garnished with potpourri." This is when Dale and Lisa break out their stellar afternoon courtroom show participant impressions. (Look for them this summer when they tour the Catskills with this this.)

They try to get to the bottom of who first grabbed the rice package off the shelf while Spike makes like he was busy pricing out Highlanders© at the time.

Spike is all smiles when Chef José calls the Bickersons out on their lack of teamwork.

The judges begin their deliberation and they are all complimentary of Spike's magnificent "Let's You And Him Fight" technique.

They blame both Lisa and Dale for some poor choices. Bourdain then goes so far as to say that Lisa's body language indicates that she's not really receptive to criticism.

We can only assume she heard this from the next room, took offense, set fire to all the Gladware© and quickened the pace of global warming.

Back in the Room O' Liquored-Up Chefs, Lisa bleeps her way though another Dale critique and Dale comes back with, "Bitch," bleeps some himself and insists he was trying to be a good guy "and not be a dick in the kitchen."

They're called back in.

Spike is let off the hook for wisely staying out of the kitchen fracas. Dale is criticized for his scallop dish and for not taking control as executive chef. Lisa is called out for her "California In August" smoky laksa and upchucky rice.

Dale gets knifed.

Lisa lives to bite another day.

The rest of the chefs are surprised he's the one to go. Lisa glares. And Dale tells us that he was sent home for trying to hard or some such delusion.

With that, Dale makes a sobbing goodbye. And last season's Chef Joey hands over his man tears crown.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs are entrusted with something precious. Lisa barks at someone. Everyone wants to go to Puerto Rico. And they all hold hands on the firing line.

American Idol
Episode: Finale (The Marathon Plugfest Before The DVR Cuts Out)
May 21, 2008

I often wonder if I could just quit watching this show. I mean, I didn't watch the first season after all. But you can't follow pop music in America these days and be unaware of what's going on on Idol. So I watch. And a little part of me dies.

So here goes ...

We open with the now traditional 360º shot of the final two, a vision in white, facing off like they're going to battle to the death (or bust out laughing) while Ryan juices the crowd of fans, family and a healthy smattering of C-list celebrities.

Again, we're informed that more people vote in Idol than in any actual election that matters. (If you were to consider little Madison,  Courtney and Brianna staying on the redial button and texting their little fingers raw as 8,632 separate voters, that is.) Still 97.5 million votes have to count for something. A healthy annual report for AT&T, I figure.

Ryan also tells us that the vote wasn't really close at all, with the winner earning 56% of the vote. The rest was split between the first runner-up and Ralph Nader.

And now it's time to greet the judges (of which two really need to find another job if this show is going to be anything but a replay of the previous season each time.) Randy is decked out in the red and white of his corporate overlord looking like a he mugged Captain Kangaroo for his jacket. (Does that make Paula the Dancing Bear?)

Paula's dressed in a lovely red gown and she seems lucid (for now). And, of course, when Simon is introduced, Randy has to do his so freakin' tired, "booo." (Exhibit A for a judge switch.)

We check in with the two Davids' hometowns which are playing host to past Idol rejects (and otherwise unemployable singers) affable dude Matt Rogers and Fran Dresher wannabe Mikalah Gordon. People in Kansas City (motto: "Wave Down At Us!") and Salt Lake City (motto: "We're Really White!") are excited.

And now it's time to greet back the Top 12 for a gang song and dance. They move around (you can't call it dancing) to "Get Ready" while the So You Think You Can Dance dancers do the actual dancing. Seeing the dozen singers amble about is funny for one primary reason: the two who won't be going on tour, Amanda "I Sooo Don't Want To Be Here" Overmeyer and David "Twinkle Toes" Hernandez.

Temptations - "Get Ready"


And there's a C-Lister now! It's lunatic model Janice Dickenson. (David Cook, watch out. We know how those cougars love ya. And she's mouthing "I love you.")

Next, it's time for David Cook and David Archuleta to do the obligatory duet. Kudos to the producers who managed to pick a song that works well for the two guys to sing together, "Hero," the Spiderman song originally done by Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott in 2002. Kroeger is totally the template for Cook and Daughtry (or is that DAUGHTRY?), so it works.

Chad Kroeger Featuring Josey Scott - "Hero"


Now, let the orgy of corporate branding begin! We'll begin with a certain formerly funny SNL cast member doing an execrable extended commercial for his new movie which I will be now sure to avoid. All I can say of the bit is that David Cook is certainly a good sport to endure this. I'd say that about David Archuleta, except for the fact that he's had 17 years of being made to do stuff by a controlling force.

Afterwards Ryan nearly takes a face-plant into the front row when he tries to be funny and ride the "comedian's" remote controlled pillow across the stage. Personally, I would have liked to have seen that.

Now it's time for third place finisher, Syesha Mercado. Our gal comes out doing a slammin' version of "Waiting For You" with Seal, a track from his underrated 2003 album Seal IV. She actually outsings the icon, which is pretty remarkable. Why the hell didn't she do songs like this throughout the competition?

Seal - "Waiting For You"


Since we seem to be going in reverse order of elimination, this means that Jason Castro is up next. And since it's hard enough to tear him away from his bong, they make no attempt to pair him with a veteran singer for a performance. Rather, they have him sing the Leonard Cohen via Jeff Buckley tune "Hallelujah" which garnered him such high praise earlier in the season. (You know, before he became this year's Sanjayah.) He delivers it better than he did the first time and shows how he managed to, with one performance, cause a vintage song to become the best selling song in the nation. (FYI: AI had never done that before.)

Jeff Buckley - "Hallelujah" 


We come back to more plugs. The car company that owns the kids rewards the two finalists with vehicles for playing along. They are "shocked." Just as the previous seasons' finalists have been "shocked" before them.

Next, it's time for the six top female contestants to do a gang sing. They gamely attempt to do a medley of (my favorite diva) Donna Summer. Amanda is a total hoot looking like she's dancing at gunpoint.  And poor Brooke White has three left feet. It's Carly Smithson who really brings her A game here.

Finally, my Donna comes out. It's almost sad how she needs to be led down the stairs to make her entrance. Not quite the vision for a nearly 60 year-old who is trying to be current. Still he new song "Stamp Your Feet" is a smash in the vein of a current Disney Channel pop hit.

Oh, and the camera people are kind to Donna only rarely showing her below the waist. Still, someone needs to break it to her that black, in and of itself, is not slimming.

But don't get me started on Ryan again attempting humor by trying to join in with the pastel-colored breakdancers.

Donna ends the segment doing her 1978 classic "Last Dance" with Syesha, even having Sy' to use her diamond-studded microphone.

Donna Summer - "She Works Hard For The Money" 

Donna Summer - "Hot Stuff"

Donna Summer - "Bad Girls" 

Donna Summer - "Stamp Your Feet"

Donna Summer - "Last Dance (12" Version)


Then we get to hear the two early favorites, Carly Smithson and Michael Johns come out to do a duet on the 1967 Box Tops classic, "The Letter." It is amazing. As with Syesha earlier, it seems pretty clear that if they had picked songs like this, and had done an arrangement like this, both of them would have gone much further than they did.

Box Tops - "The Letter"


Afterwards Jimmy Kimmel cracks a few jokes at the judges' expense and we move on to the top six guys. They get to do a medley of songs by ... oh, dear ... Bryan Adams. Whatever. Does it make any sense to have these kids, all of whom were born after 1978, sing "The Summer of '69"? Still in his one or two lines, David Hernandez shows that it's a real shame that he didn't make it to the tour.

The tiny, pockmarked Canadian with the flesh-colored stubble trots out to sing "I Thought I'd Seen Everything," a track from his new album 11. (Incidentally, the husband and I have a disagreement on whether he's cute or not. I vote 'eeeek.')

He ends with the third song performed from his 1985 Reckless album, "Somebody." (OK, maybe that album was pretty good. But I have punch out before his '90s crapfest.)

Bryan Adams - "Summer Of '69"

Bryan Adams - "Heaven"

Bryan Adams - "I Thought I'd Seen Everything"

Bryan Adams - "Somebody" 


We come back to last year's winner Jordin Sparks plugging the new AI branded attraction at the world's biggest theme park (which makes Simon's favorite comparison most apt) and another chit is paid.

Now it's David Cook's turn to pair with a vet. And he gets an actual Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee, ZZ Top. ZZ freakin' Top on Idol. My. As a friend put it, you'll notice how the cameras don't get too close on the bearded dudes for fear of making all the little girls at home cry. They do the band's 1984 smash "Sharp Dressed Man," and Cook does a tremendous job on it. He makes me actually like the song again. And his voice even seems to make the song sound current again, without needing to be all brooding either.

In the audience, Paula again proves that she can't stay seated for more than 20 seconds at a time. I think it may be the dress. Maybe like Lucy Ricardo trying to look sexy, the outfit is too tight.

And, oh look, it's last year's number two Blake Lewis with something written (tattooed?) on his knuckles. Does it read, "I've sold hundreds"?

The song is done and we get to see Cook's elementary school music teacher embarrass herself on national TV. And now it's time for ...

Brooke White. She gets to sing the 1970 Crosby, Stills and Nash classic "Teach Your Children" with Graham Nash (another Rock Hall inductee). They do a lovely harmony while strumming acoustic guitars. Plus, since they get a teleprompter, there's no risk of Brooke forgetting the words again. It's charming and shows that she should get a long career out of this.

Crosby, Stills & Nash - "Teach Your Children" 


Over the break we get to see what David Cook in his undies doing his best Risky Business in a commercial for a video game. Cougars everywhere get a kind of hot flash.

Next it's a totally Idol-unrelated performance by this year's teen hearthrobs, the chaste Jonas Brothers doing "S.O.S." Cute song. Don't see why they're there save for to keep the tweens from shouting again, "Mommy!! Who's that?!"

It's apparently a big deal that one of them cut his hair.

Jonas Brothers - "S.O.S." 

This leads to Ryan inviting some unsuspecting old woman on stage with her purse (Sophia Petrillo, is that you?) to help Ryan introduce clips of the goofiest auditions. And no audition this season was goofier than that of Renaldo Lapuz, this year's William Hung. The cheery fellow in a white suit, cape and feathered bowler then comes out to do his original creation, "We're Brothers Forever." Since it would be insane to let him do it all alone, the only logical option left the producers was to call in the USC Marching Band and Trojan cheerleaders to back him up.

First Fleetwood Mac and now Renaldo Lapuz. Are they doing penance for unleashing O.J. on the world?

Towards the end of this mess (cute as it is), Paula joins the crowd to show us that if she were to join Dancing With The Stars she wouldn't necessarily have a natural advantage.

Later, it's David Archuleta's turn to perform with someone. He gets to sing with One Republic on their inescapable year-old hit "Apologize." And he really does a fine job on it. In fact, if this is what a Lil' Davey record sounds like, I could see myself buying it.

Timbaland Featuring One Republic - "Apologize"


We head to Salt Lake City to see Monchhichi's grandparents not say what has been scripted ahead of time. And then it's time for the reigning Miss America (sorry, American Idol) to do her final performance before relinquishing her crown and sash. Jordin Sparks emerges in a high-waisted, gold-lamé frock to sing her new single, "One Step At A Time."

Yep, America got it right last time. She really has it. And it's nice to see a normal sized girl achieve success.

Jordin Sparks - "One Step At A Time" 


Afterwards we are tortured with an inexplicable "comedy" clip of three actors (one funny, one not and an Oscar nominee) digitally placed into a 1973 performance by Gladys Knight & The Pips of their classic "Midnight Train To Georgia." Why? Why? Just because you have the technology  to do this doesn't make it right. And don't give me that "all the money made from the downloads of this performance will go to charity" crap, Ryan. If I want to feel altruistic about being in pain, I'll give bone marrow.

Gladys Knight & The Pips - "Midnight Train To Georgia"


One last order of business is to pay homage to the sellingist Idol winner, Season Two champ Carrie "I Leave The Steering To Jesus" Underwood. She pops out to do her latest hit, "Last Name," a rockin' little number which is fun, but a tad too obviously this year's "Before He Cheats."

Carrie Underwood - "Last Name" 


During the break we get to see David Archuleta in his underwear (his "garment?") doing his best Risky Business impression in a commercial for a video game. Tweens everywhere enter puberty.

To round things out, all 12 finalists come out to sing the songs of George Michael. During "Faith," Ramielie Malubay gargles the words, Carly sings well and Amanda Overmeyer croaks is the proverbial turd in the pool. The boys take on "Father Figure" and it's hysterical when former nude lapdancer David Hernandez sings the line "... to be bold and naked at your side." The whispered "naked" is the cherry on top.

The boys and girls come together to sing "Freedom '90," and it's truly joyful. It makes me want to run upstairs and import it from my old CD.

George Michael himself comes out (well, he did that a few years back, but you know what I mean) to sing his 1991 chart topper "Praying For Time." He seems to have stolen Jackie O's oversized sunglasses and gesticulates like Liza Minnelli throughout the performance.

It really is nice to have an openly gay icon (however flawed), but the mannerisms are really distracting from his fine performance. I wasn't really aware he had a cold until he mentioned it afterwards.

George Michael - "Faith" 

George Michael - "Father Figure"  

George Michael - "Freedom '90" 

George Michael - "Praying For Time" 

And now, at long last ... at long, long last, it's time for the coronation of the Pocket Idol to reign over all the screaming girls in a wholly nonthreatening way.

Ryan brings the two finalists to center stage. Before he announces the results, he gives the judges one more chance to babble and make the show run long. Randy says something Randyish. Paula extemporaneously recites "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock."

Simon decides he's had a change of heart. After viewing the previous night's show, he felt he was too harsh on the Cookster. He apologizes for having been disrespectful, which is big of him. In fact, he says that "for the first time" he doesn't care which contestant wins. (Hmmm. Makes you wonder about previous seasons and if he's always gotten his way as it seems.)

The accountants come out to give Ryan the results and the winner, by a whopping 12 million votes, is ... David .... Cook!

Cookie? Really? Wow. Golly, I guess occasionally America gets a vote right.

Look at that shocked look on his ...

Would you like to SAVE, DELETE or REPLAY this program?

Freakin' judges. Freakin' Fox. Freakin' everything.

Thank goodness for YouTube.

Cookie tears erupt. It's actually touching. He humbly honors Archie and is joined by his mom for some final words. Still, I feel cheated that Archie's paperboy-capped stage daddy didn't start breaking stuff.

And then it's time for the new Idol champ to sing the season's top viewer choice for coronation anthem, "The Time Of My Life." Astonishingly, it doesn't suck eggs. It's actually pretty good. And it suits him.

David Cook - "The Time Of My Life"

Will wonders never cease?

Let the conspiracy theorizing begin!

American Idol
The Final Two Perform (And I Run For The Prescription Refills)
May 20, 2008

Really. What is there left to say at this point? I believe Nostradamus predicted this a few centuries back, and it's all pretty much going according to plan.

But, just for laughs (because if I couldn't laugh, I'd be doing terrible things to my eyes and ears with rusty implements), let's see what happened on this penultimate episode of that show you love to hate, shall we? That way I can put away my well-oxidized needle-nose pliers.

Uh oh, things aren't starting at all well. We open with the Rocky theme and that horrid announcer dude who is seemingly everywhere. I don't even want to look up his name because ... Oh dear, they're having David Cook enter in a boxing robe and gloves bobbing and weaving. This can only mean ...

Yes, David Archuleta in a similar getup. Shudder.

And, here it comes ... "Get ready to ruuuuummmmmbbbbllleeee!"

Those pliers are really looking good right now.

Bill Conti - "Fanfare For Rocky"

Now it's Ryan's turn to try to inject some drama into this evening's waste of time. He starts by pumping up Lil' David's cheerleaders (sorry, I meant the judges). Randy asks us "What's up, dude?" Paula smiles. Simon smirks.

Oh god no. They're not going to continue this horrid boxing metaphor, are they? Oh yes they are. They trot out some (apparently famous) boxing analyst to give us the lowdown on what a competitor's strategy should be and then we get one of those  360˚ views of each of the singers. He informs us of the shocking news that "there is only one winner." Ryan further fluffs by saying that the two are fighting over "a heavyweight title reserved only for superstars."

Um, Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard, you have a call on line two informing you that you are "superstars." How many times do we have to tell you not to take personal calls when you're on duty. Now the fries will get cold!

Also, when Ryan's making his "title reserved for superstars" comment, we see AI champs Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood ... and Chris Daughtry, who never won said "heavyweight title" and yet sold millions. (No one said anything about the music being any good, though, so he gets a pass on that one.)

It's actually almost funny how, despite Ryan's dramatic narration, the two contestants are positively blasé in their captured comments. So, they fill the shots with quick cuts of boxers punching things. And here is where we see the week's two mentors (of sorts), music industry legend Clive Davis (who always picks a song for the final two at this point) and composer and professional creepmeister Andrew Lloyd Weber.

And here come the kids now, thankfully no longer in the boxing gear. Now, let's chat with them for a while so we can get a good five minutes of a huge logo of the sponsor soda company and outside graphics floating behind them promoting the same. And make sure Randy throws in a few references to the new corporate-branded venue every few sentences. They paid good money for that.

Hey Paula, mention that company name too, while you're at it. Simon gets a pass since he has actual entertainment value. He says that the secret to winning is that "you have to hate your opponent." Yep, those two are blinding rage right there.

They prove it by Archie saying Cook is "awesome" and Cook saying the munchkin is a "consistently nice" person.

David Cook, Song One, Clive's Choice: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For."

Clive picks the classic U2 song, which is pretty damn hard to sing. Cook shows once more that he's far more than a karaoke singer in that he switches the song arrangement around without losing its original power or making it all emo-ey. Randy is polite. Paula makes her obligatory, not-at-all-written-beforehand comment incorporating the song's title, "You may not have found what you're looking for, but we have found David Cook." After couching his statement with a comment about Cook being "tense," Simon says it was "phenomenal."

U2 - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" 


David Archuleta, Song One, Clive's Choice: "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me."

Again, Clive proves he knows how to pick the perfect song for these singers. The wonder-bot sings it well and manages to keep his eyes open. He's in great voice and delivers a performance which will make tweens twitch (but not in an unwholesome way). He proves that he's going to really sell bunches of records to little girls (and their moms on Mothers' Day). The crowd goes nuts. Randy calls it one of the best performances of the season and "unbelievably molten hot." (Randy's traded in the "dawgs" this season for more igneous
material.) Paula gets chills and again manages to work the song title into her comments in a totally unscripted way, saying, "The sun's never gonna to go down on you  because you bring
out so much sunshine to everyone throughout the whole world for your singing."

No one said she had to say the lines exactly as written.

Simon heaps on more over-the-top praise and the tween idol does the whole patented "Oh my gosh" blushing thing, just as if he had no idea he had a nice voice. He surely thought he sounded like Biz Markie right up until then.

Elton John - "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" 


David Cook, Song Two, Contestant's "New Song" Choice: "Dream Big."

This is the part where the final two have to pick one of the gawdawful "inspirational" songs which folks have written for the final number. You know, the one which talks about "dreams" and "believing" that they can "fly without wings" in "this moment" to their "heaven," in their "now." The twist this year is that the contestants were allowed to pick any of the ten top vote getters. Oh, and that the gospel choir is left sitting on their robes in the back (tonight anyways).

Cook picks something that resembles a rock song, even if it does hit all those "believe" and "dream" buttons. Optimistic songs really don't go with that voice, but he gives it a solid try anyway.

Randy manages another plug for the venue sponsor, says Cook was "singing his face off." A suspiciously lucid and completely off-the-cuff Paula says, "A song in your heart, a guitar in your hand and we millions who sit in awe mesmerized by you." Simon hated the song, as anyone would. He says it didn't feel like a "winning moment."

David Archuleta, Song Two, Contestant's "New Song" Choice:  "In This Moment."

It had to have a title like "In This Moment," didn't it? It's a sappy, "inspirational" song about living your dreams "in this moment" which "no one can take away." The waving, outstretched hands from the girls with over-active tear ducts say it all: Cliff is ready to gouge his eyes out.

Randy doesn't like the song. He again barks about "singing the phone book." Paula says the boy is "magic." Simon liked the self-centered lyric and gives the round to the Pocket Idol.

David Cook, Song Three, Contestant's Song Choice: "The World I Know."

Rather than pick a song he's already performed, the Cookster opts to do a song which he hadn't done already in the series. He picks "The World I Know," a mid-tempo rocker for Collective Soul , a pop charter from 1995. It's a good song which would fit on radio today. Lyrically, it appears to have a message of sorts without the whole "believe," "fly," "moment" conceit. And it brings the asymmetrical wonder to tears. It's a good choice, showing what a David Cook record would sound like. But it's hardly a stand on your chair moment.

The judges say nice things which all amount to "you're a great sport for agreeing to be this year's number two."

Collective Soul - "The World I Know" 


David Archuleta, Song Three, Contestant's Song Choice: "Imagine."


This one picks the song that made him the designated winner, lo, those many weeks ago. He does it well, again. But how insanely maddening is it that, not only did he excise the "imagine ... no religion too" line from the John Lennon classic but he also made it a breathy teen pop anthem about peace, love and brotherhood with zero edge. It may have been "imagine all the people, living in Christ's love" for all that mattered.

Everyone sobbed. The judges declare him the winner and pretty much say that if you text your vote in for Cook, you're wasting your money.

On to the tweener's coronation.

Oh, and gentle reader, please honor the original if you will.

John Lennon - "Imagine" 

Flavor Of Love 3

Episode: Flav Must Make His Decision

May 19, 2008

Previously on Flavor of Love: Flav couldn't decide between the Things. Sinceer pissed everyone off. Extra girls joined the cast. Flav tossed out a Thing. Sinceer threw over the remaining Thing. Flav tossed his last thing. The last Flavorettes joined Flav in France. Seezinz was 86ed and Thing 2 was brought back.

Flav starts the final gross-out by gathering Black, Thing 2 and Sinceer and kissing them in that not-at-all nauseating way of his. He lets them know that only two should be there at this stage and, come morning, one will be just another skanky memory.

The girls get in the limo where Thing 2 confronts her former friend Sinceer over her sabotage. And Black piles on too.

The next morning, it's a lovely day on the French Riviera. And the three girls gather on a rooftop for breakfast with the brave Viking. He reveals three tickets, one to Paris, one to Monaco and one to Los Angeles.

He gives Thing 2 the ticket to Paris. She's enthused.

Which leaves the other two things.

Here is where he tells the remaining two to tell him why they should be second place. (Sorry, I meant, go to Monaco.) Let the yelling, finger pointing and head wagging begin. (This would be a good opportunity for Flav to have a New York flashback and scream, "Nooooo.")

He says that Sinceer is is sincere, but he is more "romanticaliated" to Black. The girl with the jugs goes to Monaco and the Klingon goes home.

The not-so-sincere Sinceer smiles through this and then, in interview footage says she wants to show Flav that she's classy, "but the truth is, fuck him if he's going to pick that fake bitch over me."

Flav says it's Sinceer's mean streak that did her in. Oh, and that Black is hot.

And Sinceer's parting words are for to Thing 2 to do in the busty one.

Black and the proud bachelor board a helicopter and create queasiness at 10,000 feet by eating each other's faces.

They are greeted by Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and drive through the streets of Monaco making a serious contrast with the natural beauty. Which has a strange effect on Flav since he dozes off on Black's luxurious boobs and starts to snore.

Two hours later, it's time for his "fly" dinner with the voluptuous one.

Wooow #1: When Flav sees the curvaceous Black show up to dinner in a spangly, skin-tight cocktail dress which shows off her astounding figure.

He says that, not only is she "bangin'," she's "bangin' on the inside." She gets a fancy pink watch for her inside bangin' skills.

Flav produces a list of questions for Black. They're really deep questions, like, where have you traveled? Can you tell me a joke? You know, the kind of questions you ask when you're deciding if this is the person you want to be with forever.

Well, she can't tell a joke. But she is hot. So there's that.

They pledge to always "keep it real" for each other. And for their kids (her one and his seven).

After some more mutual face eating, Black declares this the "most romantical" day of her life and she heads to his room for a "nightcap."

You have to hand it to the girl. She certainly has a strong stomach to handle all that "face time" with the Clockmeister.

The next morning, Flav washes off the Black and heads to Paris with Thing 2 via private jet.

They arrive in Paris and start to make the residents of the City of Lights lose their Crepe Suzettes by making out while poking out of their limo's sun roof. And the Parisians again prove that the whole "Jerry Lewis is a cultural icon" thing wasn't a fluke in that they all seem to recognize him and greet him with shouts of, "Zee Flavor Flaaaav!"

They transfer to a double decker bus for a private tour, which includes a drive past a Parisian police station where Flav gets another nasty flashback, this one to one of his "unfortunate" incarcerations. Another highlight, the world-famous Notre Dame cathedral, made most famous, it is said, for being the site of the wedding of Tony Parker and Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria.

Finally, they arrive at the Eiffel Tower. More making out and more escargot making a trip back up the esophagus.

They get back to the hotel and the producers think it's cute to once more make a Frenchman's innocuous greetings translate to silliness, this time having the manager confuse Flav with that other tiny, but actually talented dude, Prince.

Dinner time and Flav has traded his Burger King crown for a more traditional royal purple pimp suit.
Wooow #2: When he sees Thing 2 arrive (looking icky and not sexy at all, even if she's dressed nicely).

He shows her how very special she is by giving her the exact same fancy watch he gave Black.

They reminisce about their long history and Flav whips out his same list with those same probing questions like, "What do you like to do for fun?" They bond over their mutual love of bowling.

And Thing 2 tells a joke. It's a bad one, but they seem to be having fun. She tells another one. That one's better. They have a chemistry which seems obvious.

And now it's the question of the day: Does she want to go to his room for a nightcap? She says no.

Wooow #3: When Flav hears that.

Flav tells us that no girl has ever said no to a "nightcap" in all 76 seasons of the show. Which makes me really sad for all womankind.

With that, Flav sends Thing 2 back to Cannes alone so he can make his decision to pick Thing 2. (Sorry, I mean to "make his decision.")

He says that this will be momentous as there will not be another, 77th, season of Flavor of Love.

(Oh, I am being told that this is only the third season. So, I suppose he means that there won't be another season of the show until there is another season of the show. Unless his oldest kids are ready to take up the slack for dear old dad with their own series.)

It's nighttime and two white, stretch limos pull up in front of King Friday's castle. And here comes his lordship now, bedecked in a black tux with peacock feather lapels, his fancy Jughead crown and a diamond-studded Eiffel Tower clock around his neck, to deliver his final verdict.

To pad things out, Flav gives the girls a chance to speak for themselves, as if this would make a difference. Black says she gets tongue-tied when other people are around. And Thing 2 tells the camera that she and Flav have a connection, but "at the same tukken," he is really attracted to Black.

She hopes that "my man Flav" will pick the one with "a big heart instead of bigger boobs."

But when he asks them to speak, Black can just come up with, "This is me."

He says that she makes him tingle.

Thing 2's turn to speak. Speak, Thing 2, speak!

She says tender, emotional things, which cause romantic guitar music to begin to play.

Wooow #3: Flav's response to Thing 2's confession of romanticalicity.

He says it's the hardest decision he's made in the 276 seasons of Flavor of Love. Blah, blah, blah. Black (real name: Candace), your time is up. Like we didn't know.

Thing 2 wins the heart of the wrinkly, many-babied one with the goofy headgear.

She says they're not coming back for another season. He produces the most romantical of all gifts: the jewelry box with ... a set of 24 karat grillz.

Because nothing says love like fake teeth.

Next time on Flavor of Love: It's reunion time. Who will get hit with a shoe this time? How can we make yet another spin-off out of this now? And Flav proposes!

Top Chef Chicago

Episode: To Serve And Protect (Or, Police Academy 8: For The Love Of A Box Lunch)

May 14, 2008

Previously on Top Chef: Dale yelled "fuck." Andrew had a culinary boner. There was a wedding. Dale did everything himself. Spike called Dale a "little bitch." Nikki didn't take responsibility and was thus knifed.

We open, as always, with the morning wakeup anthem, "The 'Waaah Someone's Gone' Blues." Last time everyone had been up for 40 hours and they are all still getting over it.

The marathon session has left everyone tired. And cranky. And really ugly.

America suffers retinal damage at the sight of a shirtless Chef "You're A Little Bitch" Spike and Chef "Who You Callin' 'A Little Bitch' " Dale putting on deodorant under his chef whites. The recession seems to have left Chicago with a severe undershirt shortage.

Only my hotness, Chef Crazysexycool Andrew, is chipper and greets the day with a hearty, "¡Buenos dias, puercos! (snort)"

Quickfire Challenge: As the chefs enter the GE Monogram© kitchen, they are greeted by Padma and the World's Sexiest Diabetic, Season Two finalist Sam Talbot.

Chef "Have I Mentioned I'm A Single Mom?" Antonia gets all weak in the knees. "He's tall, dark handsome and he can cook! Sign me up!"

Antonia, I'll make you a deal. We can go halfsies. You take Sam, I'll take Andrew.

Padma tells the gang that their challenge will be to make salad sexy. Not quite as sexy as making love in duck fat (Sam has that one covered), but they must "bring sexy back."

All the way back to 2006 when that phrase got worn out, I figure.

Dale informs us that making a good salad is as hard as making a great sauce, while Andrew insists that just throwing vegetables on a plate is "garbage."

They'll have 45 minutes to bring back said sexy avec roughage.

Spike, who has already this episode graced us with three different styles of headgear, says that his salad will make people scream, "Let's have sex after we eat this salad." (I wish I had made that up. But after having seen him with his shirt off, I may just swear off salad entirely.)

Chef "Of Course People Confuse Me With Doris Day -- What Are You Implying?!" Lisa says that 45 minutes is a long time to make a salad and informs us that there are "people who don't deserve to be here" and that their personalities "suck ass."

Thus spake the winner of this season's Miss Congeniality award.

Antonia tells us that she loves fatty salad. I assume this means that she's a regular Wendy's customer.

As time runs out, Chef "Why Do I Always Crap Out On Quickfires?!" Stephanie yells "shit" over the fact that 45 minutes wasn't enough time to get artichoke chips on her plate. As Sue Ann Nivens said about the Veal Prince Orloff, "The poor dear didn't time her dinner right."

Sam begins his sampling of the salads with Andrew. When Sam says that he enjoyed the flavors of Andrew's Thai fruit salad, Andrew says that that's "awesome."

Sam and Padma move on and taste Spike's beef salad with pineapple. But for some reason, they do not immediately begin to fornicate on the GE Monogram© kitchen floor, so we can't really tell if it was a success.

After tasting them all, it's time to judge. The bottom three are Chef "Doughy Guy" Richard's not-really-ceviche (which you can find in his soon to be released recipe book: Things That Aren't What We're Calling Them), Stephanie's chipless salad and Lisa's banana flavored, un-spicy seafood salad creation.

As for the best, Sam picks Spike, Antonia and Dale for their salads, singling out Dale's as being "really unique." (Yes, I've seen salads that are more one-of-a-kind and less one-of-a-kind, but this certainly had that vague "really" level of one-of-a-kindness. Well, at least he didn't say "very unique.")

And the winner is ... Spike. It's his first win and he wonders if he's just been "punk'd" since there was no mass orgy after the consumption of his creation.

Padma remind everyone that now there is no immunity, but this week's winner will get an "advantage" in the ....

Elimination Challenge: Padma and Sam produce trays of greasy fast-food items. Lisa says everything on there looks good right now, but I think it's because it's been weeks and she still hasn't bitten anything (or anyone) yet, and heaven knows she's been fixing to sic her chompers on someone.

Sam and Padma tell the chefs that America is facing a serious problem with obesity and diabetes, as any view of the headless, corpulent people on the nightly news will attest.

So, in efforts to show people that they can eat tasty food that is also good for them, each chef will have to create a gourmet boxed lunch for Chicago's police cadets. Each meal will have to include one from each of the following food groups: whole grain, lean proteins, fruit and vegetables.

Oh, and that "advantage?" Spike will get a ten minute head start on his shopping. Plus, whichever whole grain, lean protein, fruit and vegetable he picks will be off-limits for the other cheftestants.

The producers intended to give the QF winner an "advantage." Spike thinks "advantage" means "a Tonya Harding billy-club with which to kneecap his competition."

Showing that she's gotten a really good read on Spike, Antonia says that Spike is going to "fuck everyone over."

Spike sets about fucking everyone over.

Andrew says he doesn't "give a shit," and says that that he will do "fancy shit" that people will say is "awesome."

At the sponsor supermarket, Healthy Food At Crazy Expensive Prices, Inc., Spike gets his head start and says that pissing everyone off is "way better than immunity." He goes about this by zeroing in on chicken, bread, lettuce and tomatoes, items which would naturally be used for a healthy boxed lunch.

He hopes that his competitors will have "a really good time trying to figure out what to do."

Antonia says that if he doesn't use those tomatoes, "he's going straight to hell." Well, he won't have to worry about pre-heating that oven, will he?

Andrew, Spike's soul mate (and mine, right?), insists that this will all work out just fine for him since everyone else is stupid and not creative enough and that they will all have to bow down before him, waa.

Stephanie wanted to do chicken. Now she can't.

Lisa wanted to do soup and sandwich. Now she can't. Instead, she's going to make a shrimp stir fry because shrimp is "good for you."

Richard makes the best of things by making a "burrito" (which isn't really a burrito -- a real stretch for him) with bok choy and tuna.

Andrew seeks to remind us again as to how brilliant he is, since he is the expert on all that is healthy in the world of food and food preparation. He is a dart on point. He know things about healthy eating not known to mortal man.

He makes everyone smell his success. His sweet, sweet success.

The next morning, everyone again gathers in the GE Monogram© kitchen where the chefs will have only two hours to make their boxoriffic creations. Once they're done, they will pack things up with flexible-yet-affordable Glad© products, transport them to the academy and then hand them out to the cops with instructions on how to use the fool-proof GE Monogram© microwaves to heat things up.

Antonia has decided to make curry beef with whole grain, vegetables and fruit because she is a single mom.

Andrew opts to make a sushi roll using parsnips as "rice." (Hey! Making faux food is Richard's gig! Andrew needs to be careful he doesn't get clobbered with a pink croc for that.) He will prepare it with salmon tartare for a "completely raw experience" and to prove he is The Man.

Awwwww, Andy, I knew that already.

Stephanie doesn't think he is The Man, though, since the sushi really doesn't seem hearty or filling.

Dale's plan is to serve lettuce cups with marinated bison. Antonia is miffed that Dale only knows how to make Asian food. And she feels this is an Asian dish, owing to the great herds of bison roaming the Asian countryside.

Lisa's stir-fry will involve brown rice with herbs. And it is a well-known fact that brown rice typically takes three weeks to cook properly. Still, she's glad that she will be following the rules to the letter, since there has never been a single complaint that anyone could have ever made about her food and she's only ever gotten called out for having not followed the rules exactly. Because her food is always perfectly seasoned and prepared, damnit!

Later, Chef Tom arrives for his mid-show check-in and chef freak-out. He declares the fact that Stephanie is making soup, "awesome."

Lisa tries to impress the ursine god with her homemade hot sauce, which is actually a crafty lesbian chef plot intended to sear off his soft palate rendering him useless in the judging. I believe this is a scheme that dates back centuries and was used by the Amazons to kill all the men of Lemnos.

Tom takes one bite and grows hair. Lisa says that Chicagoans really like hot sauce.

Men of The Windy City take notice. Beware of women in severe haircuts bearing chili. You've been warned.

Having escaped Lisa's clutches, Tom turns his attentions to Spike and his Lunch O' Passive Aggression. When Tom asks if Spike intends on actually using the tomato, Spike says that while he initially wanted to just leave them on the table to taunt the others, he'll actually find some novel and ingenious way to use them.

It will involve cutting them into slices and putting said slices on a plate. It is a very avant-garde preparation only understood by people who wear saffron triblys.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. He's making a burrito (sorry, a "burrito") because he doesn't want to go home over a boxed lunch.

Near the end of the requisite four score and seven years needed for cooking brown rice, Lisa makes the startling discovery that someone has turned her burner up to "high." This means that her rice is burned on the outside and raw inside. And since we don't have another geological epoch, she'll just have to make do and blame someone later.

Stephanie and Dale call "bullshit." They also add, "Who smelt it, dealt it."

And it's off to the "Police Academy." Personally, I doubt this really is a police academy because I don't see Sabrina, Kelly and Jill working the monkey bars anywhere and there's not a single funny black guy making sound effects with his mouth to be found.

At the cafeteria, they set about making labels, writing directions. Andrew makes a darling three -foot square "My Name Is Zexy" sticker for himself. Lisa says she is "shitting a brick."

Now we know where her cake from last week came from.

Enter "The Rookies." (Again, the noticeable lack of Kate Jackson here makes me doubt these people really are rookies.)

The chefs each present their lunches to these uniformed "officers."

Antonia marvels that they are "regular people," much like your average single mom with no outstanding parking tickets.

Richard asks the cops if they like burritos. (The quotation marks are implied.) He finds the fact that they do to be "awesome."

Not wanting to be one-upped, Spike declares the fact that someone has chosen his meal to also be "awesome."

About this time, Lisa begins to notice that Spike is creating a false sense of shortage amongst Chicago's finest by only placing two meals on the table and saying that they're going fast. Once folks take those two, he produces two more.

Spike thinks he's on The Apprentice.

For the most part, the cadets seem to like most everything they eat. The judges, however, have a few reservations.

Padma finds Spike's chicken salad to be "pedestrian." And Tom is apparently still suffering the mind-numbing effects of Lisa's hot sauce since he can't appreciate Spike's cutting-edge technique of serving a lettuce leaf, a slice of tomato and a slice of bread alongside his chicken salad.

As for Andrew's take on a salmon maki roll, Padma finds it "very strange." Oh, and they are annoyed he didn't seem to use a whole grain. (Do I hear a gong?)

The judges get to Richard's table and he asks them the question of the day: "Do you like burritos?" Informed that they do, he finds that "awesome."

They then taste Lisa's supposed stir fry and find the rice to be undercooked, the shrimp tasteless and the entire thing to not really be a stir fry. (Does that make it a "stir fry?" Will Richard have to impale her on his fauxhawk?)

Once the service is done, Dandy Andy dances in delight knowing that his wonderful, healthy creation has been realized through the employment of his superhuman powers of scented "success."

(During a break here we are "treated" to Mis En Place, the hardcore beats-and-rhymes posse of cleaver-wielding Chefs Mark, Erik, Andrew and Spike and their Gangsta Didgeridoo. Spike is the proverbial cherry on top of this chef sundae, repeatedly rapping "Pack your knives and go." We weep for the fact that we don't have a Verizon© V-Cast© phone with which we can enjoy this and other similar "treats.")

The chefs gather in the Let's Get Stewed Room where Lisa fulfills her promise of blaming sabotage for her icky rice. Oh, and, by the way ... um, where was Andrew's whole grain?

Andrew retorts with a half-hearted "oops" approximation.

Judges' Table: Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie as the chefs with the judges' two favorite meals.

They liked Dale's meal, saying that it was hearty and satisfying with good flavors. Plus, the texture of the bison was familiar to people used to beef, but lower in fat and cholesterol.

Stephanie's tub o' soup also gets raves for being filling and well seasoned.

Since Dale's meal was "more unique" than those not quite as one-of-a-kind other dishes, Sam awards him the win, a five-gallon vat of wine and a trip to Napa Valley. It will surely be the most one-of-a-kind experience ever. It will be so one-of-a-kind, it will actually be three-of-a-kind.

The judges call for Spike, Lisa and Andrew for having provided the least favorite dishes.

They ask Andrew if he thought his sushi roll was substantial. He retorts that he's studied nutrition and knows how to make people stronger and more energized. He's always thought the key to healthy eating is to "leave them wanting more." Certainly. Hungry people are always the most energized.

Tom thinks that's because they made a run for a Snickers bar three hours later. (Sorry, Snickers is not an official Top Chef sponsor and doesn't get a ©. Take that, Mars! Pony up next time.)

Yeah? Well, was there anything in the rule sheet that said that he couldn't starve the cops to health? OK. Well, if you insist that "healthy, nutritious and delicious" means it has to actually be food. Sure, if you're going to nitpick like that.

Well, Andrew insists, he was handed the challenge of making a healthy meal and was going to make the "most healthy dish you can find."

Tom thought that it didn't taste good either.

Well, Andrew comes back, people came back for seconds.

Tom says it was because they were still hungry.

Andrew's dietary technique is known as the Calista Flockhart approach.

They move on to Spike's chicken salad with a side of raw sabotage.

They point out that they weren't getting his novel approach to throwing raw ingredients on a plate. He insists he wasn't trying to sabotage his competition. (He was trying to sabotage his competition.)

Oh, and they hated the strange combination of olives and grapes in his three-hour chicken salad.

"What don't you understand about salty and sweet?" hisses Spike.

Spike, you mustn't poke the bear. The bear will eat you.

"You have great, educated palates," he continues, saying he was cooking for "the common person."

Spike, condescension isn't the way to go here.

"It was amazing! It's a lunch box for God's sake!"

The bear growls and says the meal sucked.

"In your opinion!" Spike spits.

Someday, the bear will eat you.

On to Chef Smileypants. She promised a stir fry and instead served raw rice and rubbery beans.

She says that someone fucked with her rice.

Well, the shrimp weren't cooked.

That seems to have shut her up.

"Does anyone have anything else to add?" asks Padma.

Out come the long knives. Lisa says that since it's her duty to kick people when they're down, she points out that "not all three people" here followed the rules. Not wanting to point fingers or anything.

Tom says that they're aware of Andrew's not having used a whole grain.

Andrew reaches into his smock and pulls out the pun he's been saving all day. "I've always been against the grain."

See, he's "against the grain." He didn't use a whole grain and he's an iconoclast. So it works on two levels. "Against." "The grain." He's a wordsmith on point. Like a dart.

Shut up. I still love him.

He says he wanted to use "rice in parentheses." (OK, so much for the wordsmith part since he can't tell quotation marks from parentheses.)

Lisa and Andrew bark at each other. Lisa finally shuts her trap fearing that she's "going to get punched." (Says the woman with tingly teeth.)

They head back to the Room Of Gladware© where Andrew stares daggers at ... at Lisa.

It gets so bad it freaks out Antonia.

Dripping with venom, Andrew mentions that he's the one who warned Lisa about the fact that serving shrimp, which are high in cholesterol, could be costly for her.

And we have our first "under the bus" phrase usage of the season. Everyone take a drink!

He goes on saying that the move showed him who she really is, adding, "There is no honor in that."

Back with the judges, they agree that they're not accepting Lisa's sabotage excuse. Plus, her food wasn't good, raw rice aside. They say that Spike spent all his time on his chicken salad and just threw the rest of the stuff on the plate.

And there's that "no whole grain" thing with Andrew. Plus, his answers were "arrogant."

It was that "against the grain" comment, wasn't it. Too much?

Back in the stew room, Andrew is still berating Lisa for "calling me out under the bus." (Um, I don't know if that's really possible, but let me consult my reality show drinking game rule book on "under the bus" usage. Yep. Still counts. Take another drink.)

He ends the exchange by asking that Lisa not "say shit" to him, hoping that people will "get to see this."

Well, if you insist.

We have a verdict.

Andrew is gone.

I begin a week of uncontrollable sobbing for the loss of my twitchy lust object.

Andrew says that there will be "no security necessary" to get him to leave. He shakes the judges' hands and exits past a silent Lisa who has taken a sudden interest in her black clogs.

In his voiceover, he says that has "no bad feelings" for these people he's "never going to talk to again." Except for Spike, cuz he's groovy. (No, Andrew, he's not right for you! We're meant to be together! We are! ... Waa.)

"I've always been against the grain. No pun intended. But pun intended."

Andrew, I'll even forgive you that.

Just don't say it again. Ever.

Next on Top Chef: The Hole! (?!) Humiliation! Language! And ... Restaurant Wars!