Top Chef New York: The Thanksgiving Episode (Express Edition)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: The Thanksgiving Episode (Express Edition)
November 26, 2008

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were charged with “opening” Chef Tom Colicchio's famed Craft restaurant. The clients? Fifty disgruntled almost-made-it-to-the-show contestants from New York. The cuisine? “New American.” Italo Fabio thought he lost, but won for making beef carpaccio with magical inside-out olives. Padma gagged on Ariane’s too-sweet dessert, but it wasn’t so bad as Hairband Jill’s defense of her ostrich egg quiche and she was sent back to B’almer to carve out some other career in food.

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This week: In case the folks at Bravo hadn’t noticed, it’s Thanksgiving and your gentle blogger has shit to do. Namely, go out of time to spend turkey day in the bosom of his parental units. Thus, there ain’t enough time to do a proper blog.

So, from memory while I wait in the too-humid holding pen at MIA, here is Thanksgiving, ala Top Chef Express.

Morning. Chef Fabio (the “atsa spicy meataball” one) is still European and thinking this is a big deal. Chef Carla (the wack job) is still a total wack job. And Chef Ariane (the “oh, I thought I’d just serve this crap; deal with it” one) still can’t manage to learn that it’s wrong to speak with one’s mouth full. Oh, and she’s still mastering English.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs pull knives from the Knife Block of Doom™. The knives have numbers on them which seem to be the last 14 winning Pick Three numbers from the New York Lottery.

Actually, the numbers turn out to be the pages of the Top Chef cookbook, “To Serve Tom,” this week’s first (of 147) corporate cross-promotions. The chefs have to put their own spin on creations from previous seasons’ contestants (who have become very pixilated since their seasons).

Just as they get going, Padma and Friend yell, “Stop! Everybody do the Soup Twist!”

Don’t you just hate indecisive people who can’t commit to one corporate promotion at a time?

So, now the chefs have to take what they’ve made and turn it into soup.

Chef Jamie (the pocket lesbian) is overjoyed. She loves soup. If left to her own devices, she’d just sit around and make soup all day. (It’s a lesbian thing. You wouldn’t understand.)

After the switcheroo, the winner of the challenge is ... Chef Leah (the slightly-less-forgettable forgettable one with the thing for Chef Hosea (the tall one with the Amish facial hair).

After that’s over, it’s time for Thanksgiving In July (What? You thought this was live?) and the ...

Elimination Challenge

It seems that noted ‘90s rock band the Foo Fighters are Top Chef  fans and want the cheftestants to cook for them. Here, Leah, as the winner of the Quickfire, gets to pick which six other chefs get to be on a team with her.

They shall be known as Team Sexypants (or “Team Sexy Pants,” depending which on-screen graphic you believe). They are Chefs Fabio, Stefan (the other half of Team Eurotrash) ... and a bunch of others.

The remaining chefs shall be Team Cougar, for they are characterized by their feline agility, long, racing gait and love of Botox and high school seniors. All you really need to know is that Ariane is on the team.

To complete this challenge the chefs will have to travel to the New York borough of Rochester, a short 8-hour subway ride away from their usual Brooklyn digs.

But when they get there, they discover that they won’t be cooking in the kitchen at the We-Paid-Good-Money-To-Put-Our-Name-On-This-Stadium,-So-Fuck-You-And-Your Higher-Premiums Stadium; They’ll be cooking outside. With one burner. And all the Hotpoint™ microwaves in the world.

This makes people cry.

Everyone goes shopping at Not Whole Foods™ (which is actually not a Whole Foods™) and  grab all manner of Perdue™ turkeys and assorted fine Perdue™ food products.

Back at the parking lot, each team gets to cooking, with Ariane assuring everyone that she knows how to make a boneless turkey breast and Fabio being all Fabio towards everyone.

It starts raining. This causes Fabio to become more Italian.

On Team Kim Catrall, Chef Jeff (the wig stand) takes charge as the only chef with the ability to make lists and keep people on task. (All those years of obsessively organizing his hair products finally pay off!)

Each team struggles to make do with the limited burners and in the final moments, we see that Team Demi Moore’s Chef Richard (the one to whom I have made a modest shrine) has taken the band’s love of bananas to heart by opting to make s’mores to order.

Elsewhere, Team Nicolette Sheridan’s Chef Daniel (the one with the appearing and disappearing facial hair) is in a jam. His potatoes aren’t fully cooked and he’s decided that he’ll disguise them by mixing the uncooked ones with the cooked ones and call the whole thing “al dente.”

The band and the judges arrive for their buffet service. The band members strive each to out-quip the other.

One guy hates Jeff’s “barfait.” Another thinks Richard has spat on his s’mores. (It was just an ill-advised foam! I shall never buy another of your records again! You have insulted my Richard. Pffffft.)

What everyone agrees about, however, is that Ariane’s turkey was marvy.

Basically, Team Madonna’s entrees and sides are bigger hits that those of Team EuroTrash, Et Al. On the other hand, Team We Win Everything had better desserts than Team Mary Kay Letourneau.

So, after a close vote, Team SuggestiveSlacks wins. (Team EuroTrash starts making out.) Team Susan Sarandon loses.

At ...

Judges’ Table

... most of the chefs are safe, particularly Ariane for her tasty turkey. She feels vindicated.

Finally, it’s down to Jeff, who made two lousy dishes but showed leadership, Daniel, who made bad taters, and Richard, my fuzzy wittle heart thief.

And the judges sent home ... I ... just ... can’t ... speak.

I’m off to drown my sorrows in s’mores.

Next Time on Top Chef: Drama. I don’t really know or care.  But I think the Mambo King of the Kitchen is involved somehow.

Top Chef New York: Show Us Your Craft (Or, The One Where Padma Spits Up)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: Show Us Your Craft (Or, The One Where Padma Spits Up)
November 19, 2008

Previously on Top Chef: Over 132 chefs from around the world descended on The Big Apple for the latest round of competition. Only 29 were able to complete the chili powder crushing Detour in Kazakhstan and made it to New York. And after 12 were stymied by the immigration Roadblock at customs, seventeen faced Phil on the mat on Governor's Island. After the next challenge, which involved peeling, dicing and cooking apples, some woman named Lauren was eliminated which left us with 16 chefs competing for the title. After moving into their posh Brooklyn digs, the three-person Team Rainbow was formed. And after another around-the-world-in-30-dishes competition, Team Rainbow was cut down to two when Student Chef Patrick and his wee pot o' gold were sent back to class.

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It's the morning after elimination on a Bravo reality show and that can only mean one thing ... casual shots of a shirtless sexy male contestant. And who will be our sex object this time? Ladies and gents, Chef Jeff ("the one with the coif"). Please to enjoy.

Chef Richard ("the one I am presently stalking") is bummed that his Team Rainbow has lost its lil' gay leprechaun. And Chef Ariane, one of the bottom two last time, is worried that she's one of the "olderest" people in the game and "these people very knowledgeable," but she deserves to stay. (Translation: she's hoping to learn English while she cooks.)

Meanwhile the members of Team Eurotrash™ are back to comparing penis sizes. Chef Stefan ("the bald one with the rapid-fire accent") is gloating about his two wins so far while Chef Fabio ("the one who can believe it's not butter") ignores him and tells us a pretty story about a dragon and a princess.

Quickfire Challenge

The team arrives at the Amana™ Top Chef kitchen where Padma awaits. She greets the chefs and introduces them to the guest judge for this round, Chef Real Housewives of Orange County New Season Tues 10/9c. (At least that's what the on-screen graphics say, though I find it a rather clunky name for a chef. So we'll just call her Donatella.)

Padma tells the gang that for this Quickfire, they will be making a dish that New Yorkers love so much, they're willing to risk their very lives for it, even when it's been cooking in a soup made up of 10% water and 90% flesh-eating bacteria. Yes, folks, it's hot dogs!

And as an added incentive, the chefs will have to "compete against" a woman with an actual hot dog cart (here it comes now!) to see if they can create their own "signature hot dog" with just the right mix of meat "product," mustard and E. coli to satisfy the New York palate.

Go!

Fabio says he don'ta know about zee hot dog. He lova the the hot dog. He'a know how to maka zee sausage ina panini.

Stefan opts for his own panini dog, only his will have Visconsin cheese and will be described in one rapid-fire, incomprehensible 37-syllable word.

Chef Jill ("the one with the headbands") doesn't think she needs to actually make hot dogs, so she opts to take ready-made ones and wrap them like sushi. She tells a colleague that her master plan is to have the judges ask "What the hell's wrong with you?" or "You're just weird."

Chef Radhika ("the one who doesn't want to be known for only doing Indian dishes") decides to make an Indian kabob dog.

Chef Hosea ("the one with the Amish chin pubes") makes his own stubby sausage which may not look like much, but he feels can really satisfy. (Insert your own joke here.)

Time's up!

• Jill's Dog: Store-bought hot dog as summer roll. (a/k/a the "I'm So In Over My Head" Dog) Looks really unappetizing.

• Radhika's Dog: Indian sausage dog. Makes me hungry.

• Daniel's Dog: Brought to you by Chef Daniel ("the one with the stupid beard carving"), it's a pork dog.

• Eugene's Dog: Brought to you by Chef Eugene ("the one with the tattoo addiction"), it's another "sushi dog." It causes Donatella to make a really ugly face.

• Hosea's Dog: Tiny sausage with lots of bacon. With bacon-smoked peppers and bacon chips on a bacon-y bun.

• Stefan's Dog: He calls it a "world dog," with international ingredients, "Visconsin" cheese and German beer. It's high concept, but appears to be low flavor.

• Carla's Dog: Brought to you by Chef Carla ("the one who gave up a promising career as a circus clown"), this dog is lamb and pork with sauerkraut. It's very wet.

• Ariane's Dog: Feh. Chicken sausage with peppers. Donatella finds the celery very strong.

• Fabio's Dog: Italian sausage with goat cheese, sun-dried tomatoes and peppers. Makes me even hungrier.

• Jamie's Dog: Brought to you by Chef Jamie ("the one who's trying hard to not just be known as 'the lesbian'"), it's a pork and beef sausage. It makes Padma jump, not because of the cayenne pepper, though, but because there was bone in her sausage.

As for the other five? Well, worry not. We'll get a long look at their dishes the weeks that they're eliminated.

After Padma and Donatella take pity bites from the hot dog cart lady's offering, they issue their ruling. The worst dogs came from Jill and Stefan. And the best were made by Radhika, Fabio and Hosea. And the winner is ... Radhika.

After having been in the bottom batch last time, she's glad to have immunity in the ...

Elimination Challenge

Padma tells the group that they will be opening a restaurant in Manhattan. But don't get all hot and bothered thinking this is the regular "open a restaurant" challenge. It's way too soon for that. No, they'll have to create a three-course lunch menu at a "New American" style restaurant.

(Now, here's where I prove my complete ignorance of modern cuisine, since I don't have the slightest idea what "new American" means. From context, I can tell it has its distinctive features which have changed over time, but I'll be damned if I can tell you what those are. All I can guess is that it's not Salisbury steak with green beans and an apple pie served in a tin tray. )

At first it seems like one of those dreadful team challenges, but thankfully it's not. The chefs immediately start arguing over who wants to do what. Jeff decides he has had enough of the yelling and decides to become Tribe Leader, dividing the chefs into three groups, one which will create appetizers, one which will make entree dishes and another which will prepare desserts.

The groups are:

• Appetizer Group: Fabio, Hoseah, Jamie, Chef Melissa ("the one who's not on this show") and Chef Leah ("the one who makes you say, 'Who's that one?'").

• Entree Group: Jeff, Stefan, Eugene, Jill and Chef Alex ("the one who you will get to see again his elimination week").

• Dessert Group: Carla, Ariane, Daniel, Richard and Radhika.

 
Then, the contestants head off to Trader Joe's™ so we can see them shop for ingredients (and so we can get footage of the deadly decisions some will make which will doom them later). We see that Hosea has his heart set on making a crab salad, but after seeing that all that they have is canned crab ... decides to stick with Plan A. Meanwhile, Jill becomes enamored of an ostrich egg and decides to make a quiche with it (even though she's never worked with an ostrich egg before).

Back in the kitchen, Jamie gets to work on her chilled, sweet corn soup while Jill treats her egg like a Christmas present on December 23rd.

Over on the dessert squad, Ariane has decided to make a lemon meringue "martini." "I'm not a baaaker," whines the Jersey Girl. Meanwhile, Stefan issues another machine-gun stream of syllables at the cameras and expects us to follow along.

Suddenly, who should appear but the purple-smocked voice of doom, Chef Tom. He's got an announcement: The restaurant they will be opening will be his flagship eatery, Craft.

And the 50 hard-to-please diners? They will be 50 New York chefs who tried out but were not cast on this season of Top Chef. So they better work hard to season their dishes if they want to counteract that bitter taste in those 50 mouths.

The day ends and the gang heads back (upstairs) to Casa Cuisine for some much needed bonding footage. Fabio decides to again tell the tale of the "Dragoon" and the Princess while engaging in a strange, heterosexual mating dance with Stefan. (Also, squeezed between commericals, we get some random footage of Leah and Hosea that is supposed to suggest they have something going on.)

The next morning, the chefs are stressing over working in an unfamiliar kitchen and head off with broken umbrellas to Craft.

At the restaurant, Jamie continues work on her soup and predicts it will be "awesome." Fabio, though, thinks that her dish is "as simple as it gets." He will be preparing a beef carpaccio with olives which, after undergoing some magical, Italian chemical process, will get hard on the outside and gooey on the inside. (Sort of like Tom Colicchio.)

Back at team dessert, Carla's worried about her pastry's crust. She likes it, but it's not perfect, she says. Meanwhile, Ariane's taste buds seem to have taken a sabbatical and thinks the best advice she'll get will be from the people competing against her. So she has every single person in the kitchen taste her dessert and they all tell her that it's not too sweet.

Well, they may have suggested it's too sweet. "I thought about making it again," Ariane says flatly, "but it's like, 'So what? This is what I made. This is what I wanna serve."

Eye of the tiger, baby.

And then it's time for the entrance of the fightin' fifty, as the not-ready-for-Bravo cheftestant wannabes enter the restaurant. Naturally, the camera focuses on the ones who are going to provide the douchiest comments from, "I'm the biggest retailer in the U.S." (sayeth Chef Wal-Mart) to "Meat loaf? You're on Top Chef and you're gonna make meat loaf?" (sayeth Chef "I'm Walkin' He-yea!").

Tom arrives in the kitchen to prepare for service. Carla finds this "awesome." While Radhika feels this means she needs to "step (her) game up."

Padma and guest judge Donatella then show up along with the divine Gail Simmons (thankfully, no longer wearing a '60s flight attendant uniform).

Service

Up first, the Appetizer Group.

• Jamie's Dish: Her chilled, sweet corn soup with mint is a serious hit.

• Hosea's Dish: His cold crab salad, though, is a major dud, even though he thinks it's going to be "awesome." Several of the diners can tell it's canned crab and the judges find it "slimy" and "muddy." Yum!

• Leah's Dish: She's made something with Yukon potatoes and scallops which the judges feel is very "'80s," which to me means it is must be made with Aqua Net and cocaine.

• Fabio's Dish: His beef carpaccio with arugula and magical olives are a total smash with the judges.

• Melissa's Dish: Wait? There's a Melissa?

Next, it's the Entree Group.

• Jill's Dish: She thinks this is a good opportunity to show a "shtrong" dish. And the ostrich egg quiche, she feels is, "shtrong." The diners feel it's more like Alpo. The judges, however, feel it has more of an Elmer's flavor.

• Eugene's Dish: He's made a "deconstructed" meat loaf sandwich. No one cares.

• Stefan's Dish: The rat-a-tat Finn has made halibut. The judges and the diners like it, particularly when compared to Jill's Not-So-Eggcellent Adventure.

• Jeff's Dish: He's made a honey mustard chicken with chorizo. Everyone likes it and Donatella speaks for 98% of the Bravo audience when she says, "Give me a good chorizo and I'm happy."

• Alex's Dish: Um, since when has there been an Alex?

Finally, it's time for the Dessert Group.

• Radhika's Dish: She's made a "citrus avocado mousse" (ie. sweet guacamole) which everyone agrees just screams, "I've got immunity! Nyah!"

• Daniel's Dish: He's offering a ricotta pound cake. It looks nice.

• Ariane's Dish: The lemon meringue "martini" gets us the most extreme reaction in TC history when sensing the overpowering sweetness, Padma visibly gags like a Survivor contestant doing a gross food challenge, and then spits up the concoction into her napkin. 'Nuff said.

• Richard's Dish: Mr. Hunka-Hunka-Burnin' Love makes a sandwich of banana nut bread with peanut butter and banana. It makes me hungry (and not just for the chef), but the judges feel it's an "after-school snack" more suitable for kids.

• Carla's Dish: She's made a rustic apple tart with a wedge of cheese on the side. And while the judges aren't feelin' the sweaty cheese slice, they adore the tart and its flaky crust.

After Tom eats the dishes back in the kitchen, and the bitter diners depart, he joins the judges to rag on the dishes. They discuss how the chefs set back "new American" dining 20 years and totally lose me. (If anyone wishes to gift me with a subscription to a magazine which would fill me in on this concept, they may.) Tom's miffed that the dishes were so much worse than he would have expected after the last challenge.

Judges' Table

Tom appears in the Stewed Room and calls forth Carla, Fabio, Jamie, Ariane, Jill and Hosea. (This seems to signal a new Project Runway approach to things where the best and worst are called forward together without it being totally clear which are the best and which are the worst. Good move, Bravo.)

Padma starts by telling the six that the judges were largely disappointed with the dishes, but did find a "few bright spots." They say how much they liked Carla's pastry and then turn to Fabio.

The Italian is flummoxed, acting as if he'd been hit in the face with a goose. He doesn't understand how they could not-a like-a his dish. When he finally shuts up, the judges inform him that the reason he's there is because they liked his dish. He apologizes and (adorably, actually) steps back and says, "I'm glad you like it. That's why I made it."

Jamie also gets praised for her corn purée. But the winner of the challenge is ... Fabio.

He gloats in Italian and heads back to the Stewed Room to plant a big wet on on Stefan. (And you thought the first same-sex kissing on Bravo would come from last season's lesbians, didn't 'cha?) "Now I'm-a tight with Stefan," he says.

OK, I know he meant "tied," but still ...

This leaves Hosea, Jill and Ariane as the three bottoms.

Hosea stuns the panel when he says that he thought he was there because he was one of the winners. They inform him that no one liked it.

Defending her insanely sweet dessert, Ariane again explains that her taste buds gave out (just like they did last week). And Jill fumfers over why she chose to use an ostrich egg when she'd never worked with one before.

Asked how she would improve it the judges decide to keep her, Jill manages a dull-yet-panicked defense which would make a certain Alaska governor look like Alan Dershowitz.

The three head back to their Saran Wrap™ surrounded colleagues while the judges deliberate. After a while (and after the chefs get good and sauced in the back), the three are called back.

After Tom shames the three, Padma intones ...

"Jill ... please pack your knives and go."

She sings her little song and, for her big note, steps on the scale. We hear two honks, a trap door opens and she falls down the chute.

"That was a bad egg."

And the Oompa Loompas sing.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs make Thanksgiving dinner for the Foo Fighters. Jamie and Stefan have their previewed blow-up. A twist takes the kitchen outside. And I go completely mad trying to write a recap while on vacation.

Top Chef, New York: Melting Pot (Or, Around The World With 100 Chefs)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: Melting Pot (Or, Around The World With 100 Chefs)
November 12, 2008

Ladies and gents, Top Chef is back! They've been to San Francisco, Los Angeles, Miami and Chicago and now we'll meet a new cast of thousands who will compete in the most demanding of food towns ... Brooklyn!

OK, OK, I know! It's still New York City. And Manhattan can be awfully expensive. (Next season look for Top Chef: Staten Island.)

Again 170 chefs will compete for a spread in Gourmet™ magazine, a showcase at the Great Wisconsin Cheese Festival, $100,000 to kick start their careers (furnished by the makers of the Tupperware™ family of products) and the title of Top Chef!


So, let's meet the cooking hordes!

• Fabio Viviani, 30. The saucy Italian with the thick-as-ragú accent.

• Jamie Lauren, 30. The tattooed pocket lesbian.

• Eugene Villiatora, 32. The super-tattooed, self-taught Hawaiian.

• Jeff McInnis, 30. "The Hair." Also, "The Wink." Potentially, "The Douche," but we'll reserve judgement. Somehow manages to surf in Miami (where there are no waves to speak of).

• Radhika Desai, 28. The Indian. Is afraid people will think she's only about curry.

• Lauren Hope, 23. The immediately grating one. Thinks her husband is deployed in a place called Eye-Raq, which may explain why her mail keeps getting returned. (Seriously, if we're fighting and dying there, why can't we learn to pronounce the name of the freakin' country at least?)

• Ariane Duarte, 40. The married Jersey mom.

• Daniel Gagnon, 25. The straight bear with the preposterous, irregular beard. Longisland in da house!

• Patrick Dunlea, 21. The culinary student who is here "to share his passion," or put differently, "to be an easy early evictee." Gay as pink mud, suffering a sunburn and a friend of Chef Lauren from cooking school.

• Stefan Richter, 35. The bald Finn. Accent #2 and vying with Fabio for title of Top Alpha Male.

• Richard Sweeney, 27. The gay bear. Perhaps seven feet tall and posesses an "inner queen." (Also, my new lust object and the next cheftestant who will need to take out a restraining order on me.)

• Leah Cohen, 26. The brown-haired one you will forget was ever on this show (unless she's a great chef, of course).

• Alex Eusebio, 33. This season's designated forgettable Latin male.

• Hosea Rosenberg, 34. The tall bald one with the loony, mustache-less goatee. (Have tattoos and goofy facial hair configurations officially replaced fauxhawks now?)

• Carla Hall, 44. The wacky, birdlike caterer with something to prove.

• Jill Snyder, 28. The tall girl with brown hair you'll instantly forget (unless she's a great chef, of course). She will seek to distinguish herself with a collection of colorful headbands.

• Melissa Harrison, 28. "The Bangs." Self-described "country mouse" and not actually on this TV show.
  

Your hosts Padma Lakshmi ("single and ready to mingle") and Chef Tom Colicchio ("Yeah, I get it. Bear icon. Can we please move on?")  greet the cast of Ben Hur the King Family Singers the assembled multitude in a park at Governor's Island. Padma explains how since this is the most competitive food town, this will be the hardest season yet. And with that it's time for ...

Quickfire Challenge

 While there are 17 contestants (Really? It seemed like more.), there will only be 16 competing after this. This means that at the end of the Quickfire, one of these aspiring chefs will leave before ever making it to the kitchen. (Everyone gasps. Annoying Lauren expresses cocky confidence that she's gonna make it.) And the challenge?

Gallia est omnis divisa in partis tres. (Sorry, I can never resist a good Caesarian quote.) As with Gaul, the challenge is divided into three parts, those losing in each successive round will compete in the next one, with the last batch being up for elimination.

The theme is "Big Apple Style" and, as such will involve bobbing for apples. No? Deconstructing iMacs? No? OK then. Let's just have them peel apples. The catch: They'll have to do it blindfolded and using only plain muslin in a bomb shelter.

Damn, these Bravo shows all run together in my head.

OK, they'll have to use paring knives instead of peelers. Snore. Next you'll tell me it's a cooking competition. They have to peel 15 apples to Tom's satisfaction. The first nine to finish will be safe. The remaining eight will compete in the next round.

Tom blows his whistle and they're off. As they peel away, Sexy Richard slices through his thumb and bleeds all over his fruit. Stefan finishes first, followed by Fabio, Hosea, Ariane, Jeff, Melissa, Richard and ... Jamie.

And since Stefan finished first, he'll be immune from elimination in the next challenge.

Then, it's time for round two. The remaining chefs will have to "brunoise" (or, finely dice for the un-culinary among us who have to look these things up online and waste valuable time) two cups of apples to Tom's satisfaction. (Here, we're grateful Richard's bloody apples won't be going any further.) The first four to finish will be safe; the last four will go on to the final round. Go!

Chop, chop!

Here, Daniel finishes first, followed by Alex, Eugene and, after correcting her mistakes, Jill.

This leaves Patrick, Radhika, Lauren and Leah as the bottom four. Leah, from New York, feels that if she goes home first she'll need to find a new place to live.

For the final round, they will each have to cook a dish using the diced apples. They have burners under their tables and can use any of the provided foodstuffs, but they'll only have 20 minutes. The chef with the dish Tom considers the weakest will be eliminated. Go!

Radhika instantly decides to create a chutneyed pork. Leah, seeing Radhika's protein choice, decides to prepare scallops. Lauren and Patrick both opt to make summery salads. (Lauren pulls out that grating, Rachel Ray personality thing again and chirps that she'll be using bacon because, "Face it, everything's better with bacon!")

Utensils down! Hands up!

• Lauren's Dish: She's made a spinach salad with apples, blue cheese bacon and a balsamic vinaigrette.

• Patrick's Dish: Since he and his pal Lauren share "the same brainwaves," they made the same kind of thing, his being a salad with apple slaw and a yogurt dressing.

• Radhika's Dish: She's got a pan seared pork with apple chutney, raisins and chili power for Tom.

• Leah's Dish: Finally, Leah has made seared scallops with dried apples, vinegar and apple juice.

One ominous gong later, Tom renders his verdict. The best dishes were Leah's and Radhika's. The worst: Patrick's and Lauren's. And after some consideration, the one hitting the road is ... Lauren. (One irritant gone.)

"I don't even get to see the kitchen," she complains as she heads for her ferry home.

And then there were 16.

With that, out comes the dreaded knife block for the ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs start pulling knifes and we instantly see that the 16 knives have on them the names of eight New York City neighborhoods. Once the knives are pulled, Padma explains that the challenge will be for each chef to create a dish inspired by the international cuisine of his or her assigned neighborhood. The members of each pair will compete head-to-head with one being safe and one being eligible for elimination.

And the pairs are ...

• Chinatown (Chinese): Patrick and Daniel.

• Long Island City (Middle Eastern): Ariane and Stefan.

• Ozone Park (Latin): Jeff and Fabio.

• Jamaica (Jamaican): Jill and Radhika.

• Astoria (Greek): Jamie and Richard.

• Little Italy (Italian): Melissa and Leah.

• Little India (Indian): Alex and Eugene.

• Brighton Beach (Russian): Hosea and Carla.

Then, it's off to Brooklyn to Casa Cuisine for a look at their new digs, some delicious Bollinger™ champagne, and a glipse at their personalities. Here we learn that the gays (Patrick, Sexy Richard and Jamie) are bonding and will be the already Bravo-branded Team Rainbow™ (T-Shirts available at Bravotv.com now!).

Also stepping off the canvas are the two furriners (Stefan and Fabio). Stefan, who has only seen pictures of New York before, is amazed that the city is actually three-dimensional. He also wants to break that ultimate glass ceiling by being the first European to win Top Chef. (Because if there's one place that white, European men with heavily-accented English have trouble competing, it's the world of fine dining.)

The two will be perpetually competing to see which of them is in greater need of subtitles, what is the proper definition of "vinaigrette," and who has the largest penis.

They shall be Team Eurotrash™.

The next morning, the contestants get up, eat and pair up for their shopping trips to their assigned neighborhoods.

During the shopping we learn that ...

• Eugene has never cooked Indian food and will try to duplicate something he tasted at his Indian grocery store.

• Hosea has no idea what Russian food entails.

• Carla, as goofy as she appears, wants to be "led by her spirit guides."

• Ariane is willing to use a food item she didn't know about until it was identified by the grocer.

• Jeff, the blonde hairdo from Miami, knows his Latin food (and is aware Europe is "a whole other continent").

• Jill must have brought a trunk of hairbands, since she's already on her fourth one in the first episode.

• Melissa is actually on this show. But she knows nothing about Italian cooking.

• Patrick thinks it would be a good idea to use black rice noodles, an item he has never cooked before.

• Daniel thinks Patrick is stupid to be telling him his plays since this is actually a football game.

Next, the chefs arrive back in Brooklyn where the Top Chef Kitchen has been constructed on a subway platform below their high-rise. Everyone is very excited by the tiled logo (very cool) and the marvelous Kenmore™ stoves and appliances which will be at their disposal.

They have two hours to cook and everyone starts scurrying. Jeff has no clue about how to do everything in two hours, Ariane feels inadequate, and Richard works hard on being totally adorable.

Leah, who works in an Italian restaurant, feels she has an edge over the inexperienced Melissa. Patrick is surprised that his rice noodles are gummy and spends a lot of time trying to mitigate his stupid decision. And Jeff runs out of time and can't completely plate his dish and is worried he may be in trouble.

The Service

The judges arrive in the kitchen and are introduced by Padma. In addition to Chef Tom, we have the illustrious Gail Simmons ("now portraying the role of Carol, your National Airlines stewardess from 1968") and renowned chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten ("pioneer in breaking the many barriers keeping Frenchmen from becoming top chefs").

Time for ze eeting.

• Ariane v. Stefan (Middle Eastern): Ariane is no match for Stefan. She admits not knowing about Middle Eastern cuisine and has undercooked the Brett Favre (?) "risotto" which accompany her lamb dish. (Beats me. It must be some Middle Eastern, chick-pea and gridiron thing.) Stefan's lamb chops with tabouli salad are a major hit, or so the subtitles suggest.  Winner: Stefan. Loser: Ariane. (And we have our first "I don't wanna go home" of the season! Bets off! If you had "Episode One, Minute 46," come down and claim your prize!)

• Richard v. Jamie (Greek): After lusting after Tom, Richard presents his dish, a Greek-style lamb slider with a feta pasta salad (which is making me hungry). Jamie opted for "desconstructed Greek salad," with an eggplant puree and seared bass. They're both hits with the judges, but since Richard's lamb was overcooked, Lauren gets the nod. Winner: Jamie. Loser: Richard.

• Radhika v. Jill (Jamaican): Jill's macadamia covered plantain fritters and jerk spiced scallops are set off by Rastafarian tri-colored sauces. Radhika also went the jerk route, offering a jerk-rubbed halibut on three-bean rice with a mango salad. Since the judges felt that Radhika's plate had "texture" issues, they give the win to Jill. Winner: Jill. Loser: Radhika.

• Jeff v. Fabio (Latin): Fabio is sooo bad with zee Engleesh that he has to read the description of his dish off his notes and even then needs subtitles. The screen tells me he made a mango and jalapeño demi-glace pork with a mushroom and avocado salad. Jeff's offering is a Cuban coffee-seared pork tenderlion with a smoked plantain and black beans and rice. You can tell he ran out of time, since the plating looks as messy as something I would prepare. Still, for his flavors, Jeff walks away with it. Winner: Jeff. Loser: Fabio.

• Hosea v. Carla (Russian): Hosea's trio of smoked fish with caviar and creme fraîce gets praise all around. Carla's smoked trout and salmon cakes over potato latkes aren't nearly as successful. Since Hosea managed to make a plate that would be served in Russia (despite his ignorance of the cuisine going into this), he wins. Winner: Hosea. Loser: Carla.

• Leah v. Melissa (Italian): Native New Yorker Leah used some of that same Brett Favre ... um, I'm being told it's "farro" .... OK, farro risotto with seared red snapper and mushrooms. The judges enthuse that it's just what constitues modern Italian cooking. Melissa's seared rib-eye steak gets praise, but get called out for being underseasoned. Winner: Leah. Loser: Melissa.

• Patrick v. Daniel (Chinese): Daniel has made a ginger poached salad with bok choy and shitake mushrooms. Student Patrick has prepared seared salmon (which I gather is not found in Chinese food) with bok choy and gummy black rice noodles. Neither is a hit with the judges. Daniel's is called out for being a cliché which has been on Wolfgang Puck's menu for years. Patrick's is criticized for being "one-note." Winner: Daniel. Loser: Patrick. (Write your own joke moment. Patrick: "I am kind of nervous about being back on the bottom." Discuss.)

• Eugene v. Alex (Indian): Alex, who for some reason that totally escapes me thinks that Latin and Indian cuisines are naturally related, has made grilled lamb chops with a spicy ragout. Eugene, meanwhile, offers up a masala-rubbed lamb with basmati rice and what he's calling a tzatziki. Padma, Indian herself, seems pleased to be the expert here and is singularly impressed with Eugene's dish, saying that inadvertantly he has made a classic south Indian curds and rice. But it's no tzatziki. Winner: Eugene. Loser: Alex. (In interview footage, Eugene celebrates with a happy "Fuck yes!" And if you had "Episode One, Minute 55" for our first "tut tut, that's not professional" from Tom watching at home, come down and claim your kazoo.)

The judges discuss their likes and dislikes and are pleased that no one seems to have made anything so awful that they clearly don't deserve to compete. They were most disappointed with the two Chinese dishes, the two Latin dishes and Ariane's undercooked "farro." (I'm learning, OK?)

Padma heads back to the Stew Room (helpfully unventilated and stocked with a fine assortment of Tupperware™ products and lots of tasty Mr. Pibb™ -- and beer) and calls back, from the winners, Stefan, Eugene and Leah. And from the losers, Patrick and Ariane.

The clog-shod Ariane advises us that she's "swea-in'" over this. (The economic downturn has caused everyone to cut back on their use of the letter "t," it appears.)

Judges' Table

The judges heap praise on the top chefs. Padma then reminds them that the winner of the first challenge has been the eventual winner in three out of the four previous seasons. (And the runner-up of that fourth one was the eventual winner in third season.) So, with that preface, the winner of the first challenge is ... Stefan.

Onnentoivotus, kaljuuntua!

As for the losers ... Gong!

Ariane makes excuses for not knowing Middle Eastern cuisine (despite living across the river from New York City) and says she put "popular" stuff together that would "work togetha nice." Sunburned Patrick says he was trying to highlight the "clean flavors" he thinks of as Chinese and makes excuses for his stupid choice of the black rice noodles he had never used before.

Tom calls Patrick's dish a "sanitized" version of Chinese food you'd have outside Chinatown. And the French guest judge says something which (I totally swear) I could not make out when I could hear him but couldn't see the TV. (It turns out to be a dig at Ariane's not crossing the river to experience a wider array of cuisines.) When she defends herself saying, "Yeah, but I got books I can look at!" there is a palpable, extended, uncomfortable silence.

Now is the portion of our super-sized show where the two losing contestants must explain why they deserve to continue. Patrick, you're up first!

"Passion."

Thank you, Miss New Joisey?

"I have a lot to give."

Good that clears things up.

Patrick, pack your knives and leave.

And stop climbing Richard. I called dibs.

This season on Top Chef: "Get to ya godamned stations!" "It's hard and heavy right from the word 'go.'" "Oh my god this is gonna kill me!" "Eveddybody taste eveddy fuckin' thing." "Our food was better than their food, dude." "Bullshit!" "This is a scrap fight." "Yeah, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving." "You have immunity! You can not go home." "Yeah, guess what, I'm not being a douchebag." "I am actually willing to put -- a douchebag? You're saying I don't know how to cook?" "No, no, no." "Fuck you." "No, no, Jamie, hold on." "No, do whatever you want. Fuck you, Stefan." "Please welcome Martha Stewart." "How do you do?" "Oh my gaaaaad!" "That rice was appalling." "It was a failure of imagination." "I don't think even you could withstand that amount of heat." "I have found the weapons of mass destruction and they are in this bowl." "You do deserve it. You are here." "It's alright."

Top Design, Season 2: Finale, Pt. 2 (Or, The $100,000 Sarcophagus)

Top Design, Season 2
Episode: Finale, Pt. 2 (Or, The $100,000 Sarcophagus)
November 5, 2008

Previously on Top Design: Thirty-seven designers designed rooms, chairs, bomb shelters and three-walled sets and were eliminated one by one until there were only four left. Through romance, tears and swatches, Eddie cackled, smirked and self-congratulated until he was finally eliminated in the penultimate challenge, leaving the final three to compete for the title.

---

Today's secret word is "sarcophagus." Each time you hear the word "sarcophagus," the duck will come down and we win $100.

Now, since we're at the end and there are only three designers left, this would be a good time to fill the empty space with biographical profiles of our designers.

Up first, Designer Preston ("No, mannequins don't have personalities. Why do you ask?"). Dear Preston reminds us again that everyone he ever loved died of some addiction. He started life as an adorable blond boy and grew to studly manhood surviving, not only personal losses, but a seriously unfortunate bout with '80s fashion.

Next, we get a look at the life of Designer Ondine ("We have your personal design freakout scheduled for 3:00 p.m. today."). She began her life as a sepia-toned Fudgie The Whale designer, segued through Madonna Wannabe Land, worked though what we can only surmise was an '80s, Melissa Etheridge-inspired stab at lesbianism (or at least lesbian hair) before arriving at the Top Design studio.

As the bios proceed, we see the three sleepy designers (finally able to enjoy some peace and quiet with nattering Eddie gone now) work on their final challenge: to completely design an entire two-story townhouse in a sterile, cookie-cutter suburb so that at least the interior has some character. Mounting their SponsorMobiles™, the three nap through visits to several Sponsorville Shops™ (or, as Ondine calls them, "some of the most unique stores in Los Angeles").

Oh, Ondine, I don't know. I suppose I've seen stores that are more one-of-a-kind. In fact, they're so "unique," they're three-of-a-kind.

At one shop, Designer Nathan ("not all about paper plates and broken glass") discovers a wondrous item. A heavy, dark-stained wooden chest. It reminds him of a "sarcophagus." Quack! Ca-ching!

Nathan tells us that his home will be edgy and the sort of place in which he could see an art collector living. Preston's townhouse will be "sleek and modern, with a traditonal twist." And Ondine's will be "Danish modern chic" and will be a mix of modern and Indonesian furnishings.

In other words, Nathan's doing a Nathan house. Preston's doing a Preston house. And Ondine is doing something really different and potentially very interesting.

Once the trio arrives back at the suburban development, they are greeted by Hostess India who tells the three that they will each get the services of two carpenters, a seamstress and one other helper. And here they come the "helpers" now!

And out from behind Door Number One come the last three eliminated designers: Andrea! (Yea!) Natalie! (Hic!) And Eddie. (Aww, shit.)

Naturally, everyone is most surprised to see Andrea who took a voluntary exit to go home (read: across the street) to see her family (ie., former child star Ricky Rick Ricky Schroder).

Eddie, charmer that he is, is bitter. "We're not your assistants," spews the contractually obligated one. He tells us he'd rather be on a beach someplace. (The feeling's mutual, buddy. We'd rather you be someplace else as well. Someplace really warm, though not necessarily sandy.)

The three each pick color cards which will determine which loser they will get as a helper. Ondine gets Andrea. (They're both elated.) Nathan gets Natalie. (They look forward to getting sloshed together.) And BitterEddie goes to Preston.

Preston, to his credit, says nice things about Eddie. Eddie, true to form, yells a sarcastic, "Yea! How did I know?" To us, he says, "If Preston asks me to get a cup of coffee, I'll tell him to go fuck himself." (Do you kiss Martha with that mouth?)

The teams then tour the spaces which have been painted and papered by the Magical Elves overnight. Nathan shows Natalie his "Golden Girls Disco" wallpaper. (Natalie find his space "awesome.")  Andrea feels sad that she missed out on this challenge. And Eddie gets another chance to slam Preston's permanent penchant for hotel decor, adding "I'm here to help him; I'm not here to make him win."

Now it's time for a look back on the Life Of Nathan. The pierceiest designer started life as a grainy blond child in overalls during the Great Depression. After the painful divorce of his parents, he grew into an awkward red-headed middle-schooler, went jet black a few years later during what looks like an REM phase and eventually got all receding hairline-leads-to-head-shaving and tongue-studded on us.

After that's through, we see the designers meeting their carpenters. This normally would be of no significance. But when Ondine's involved, you know it's just a prelude to our scheduled 3 p.m. meltdown. And when we hear her telling us that her carpenter, Larry, is "a little bit slow" and that she's having him make several elaborate items, we know that the stress train will be coming in right on time.

We see that Preston will be transforming the space in the house he did for the last challenge into a dining room (and getting rid of the stupid plates-glued-to-the-wall accent). And over at Nathan's the "heavy, heavy, heavy" Indian chest ...  or "sarcophagus" (Quack! Quack!) is proving to be a serious challenge, as it's taking seven movers to lift it up into the second-floor room where it goes.

Once it's there, though, Nathan realizes that it (obviously) is way too big and heavy for the space. But, having a heart, he decides that he can't ask the seven movers to turn around and just take it out of the house now. (This is sort of the Sophie's Choice of reality TV. Do you do the asshole thing to win a televised competition or so you do the humane thing and risk losing?)

Next, the designers get to go shopping at a "dream store" for their final items. (By "dream store" we mean "place that didn't pony up the bucks to be a show sponsor, but we'll graciously let them shop there without showing the store name" store.)

While they're gone, we get the totally not staged comedy moment of the night. Preston, stressed over his design, calls Eddie to give him advice on placement of some two-dozen items in the house. Eddie, who is over at Chez Nathan visiting with Natalie, pretends to listen and eventually puts the phone down to let Preston issue his instructions to the ether. ... And, scene! Bravo.

With three hours left to work, now it's time for a visit from mentor and resident mime Todd Oldham. Todd likes all three houses and shows his pleasure through the art of voguing.

As the day draws to a close, we make progress towards our appointed last-day meltdown when we see Ondine go over what her carpenter needs to have done by the start of the last day. And with that, the designers get to go back to the Design Den for some R&R.

We're informed that, since it's so very hot outside (which begs the question, "So what is it with Eddie's preposterous penchant for that sweater tied around his waist?") the gang will be taking a dip in the company pool.

Of course, this is really just another excuse to see Preston shirtless. (And it also reveals that shot we saw way back in the first episode when we saw that "this season on Top Design" we'd see Preston diving into a pool and we knew he wouldn't be going home until after we saw that.)

It also provides another excuse to see Eddie being a dick and Preston pulling away from everyone to go off by himself.

Day Two

As the final day begins, Nathan ("not about paper plates") gets to work on his grand chandelier made entirely of paper plates. Preston works out the details of his wall accents. And Ondine makes sure her breakdown tomorrow will be happening on schedule.

She worried that her carpenter is making progress very slowly and she promises to "move into crazy gear," adding that she'll "sit down and cry" if everything's not done in time. She picks up a collection of spray cans and paint rollers and gets to work.

Elimination Day

Second later, it's the morning of the final day and the producers manage to squeeze in one more shot of Preston fulfilling his legal requirement to show off his torso as much as possible. Nathan packs his three shirts in preparation for the end. And Ondine consults her dayplanner for her freakout appointment time.

Once the arrive back at Cul-De-Sacistan, Ondine quickly learns that, with only two hours before the judges' arrival, Larry the Carpenter hasn't finished all he promised.

Freakout in three ... two ... one. Freakout now!

Paint brushes! Paint rollers! A flurry of brown hair flying past the cameras and ... "I am totally freaking out!"

Nathan gets to creating a way-cool art piece with streams of paint running down a canvas. Ondine helpfully shows off the logos of the Sponsoriffic™ blinds company and cleaning products. And moments later, they're done.

Eddie "congratulates" Preston for his design saying, sardonically, that it has his "name all over it." He then minces away, telling the hunky designer with whom he promised he'd never have contact again, "We'll definitely chit and chat later."

Natalie bids Nathan adieu and Andrea says goodbye to Ondine, saying that if she wins Ondine should "definitely take me out for dinner and maybe  to a great store in New York and buy me a great outfit." (I guess Silver Spoons residuals ain't what they used to be.)

The Judging

Then the judges arrive: Hostess India, sock-averse elf Jonathan Adler, Margaret Of The Icy Stare and a Vestal Virgin who has suffered greatly at the hands of a Kleenex Monster.

Ondine's House: Ondine explains that her concept was "retro glam." And it shows.

• The living room is a fascinating mix of '50s seating with "ethnic" set pieces. The family room is a pink and black chic space with fuchsia-colored couches and a mod black and silver wallpaper.

• The dining room has a huge table and a brass, '60s-inspired light fixture.

• The master bedroom is, to my mind, a dream. The bed's headboard is made up of beveled mirrors which reflects the mirror on the opposite wall. The '70s wallpaper which looked horrid in the empty space now looks perfect. And the other furnishings and window treatments make me rethink my aversion to suburban living (if it looked like this). Adler's one-word reaction, "Me-ow!"

• The "little girl's room" is a little girl's delight, awash in hot pink and yellow and white circus stripes. There's a cute table for coloring and a bed that has been built into the window alcove. This room, too, is a hit with the judges. Still, India feels the need to suggest that Ondine gave her carpenters too many jobs.

• And, finally, the winning black-and-white guest bedroom/office we saw last week has only been tweaked slightly with the addition of a window treatment and some end tables.

Preston's House: Conveniently located on Preston Lane (foreshadowing, perhaps), the house indeed has Preston's name "all over it." His concept is "modern meets traditional."

• The living room is an elegant-but-personality-deprived pale blue with darker blues and beige. He calls the dull green drapes "colorful." There's a cowhide rug and a walnut coffee table. Whole room is pretty and dull. It's Preston.

• The upstairs area is a lounge area. He calls it very "Ralph Lauren" and who am I to argue. It has a zebra-print chair in it. It's about as quirky as Preston gets. Which is not very quirky. Adler thinks the orange slices in the pitcher on the table hardly constitute a "splash of color."

• The dining room has "changed a lot since we last sawr it," as India states. The patterned grasscloth is still in effect, but now it has a round chocolate-on- black dining table. As will be stated later, the room does feel like everything came from the same store.

• In the bedroom, Preston has taken a standard four-poster bed and turned it into a fancy four-poster bed with a headboard and decorative draping. Like everything else, it looks like a lovely room that you'd find in a fancy boutique hotel run or in a home owned by gay guys in which no one is ever allowed to sit down.

• The guest room is a ... Huh? I'm sorry I think I nodded off and missed something.

• Lastly, there is the office which seems to finally have at least one color in it which is not muted.. The small space has a vaguely modernistic wallpaper, a colorful bench and an art piece which is sort of pop-art. Preston points out the "nice desk area" which I imagine the designer would burn before allowing anyone to actually use it. Finally, he seems to smack Adler down when he says that this room has that "pop of color" he's been whining about in every room before this. Asked who the client for this house would be, Preston says it would work for a man or a woman (so long as he or she was an anal retentive control freak).

Nathan's House: Mr. Piercey tells the judges that his concept was "bohemian bourgeois cottage," which to me means "unkempt, ordinary tinyspace." Thankfully, it's none of those things.

• Nathan has chosen to forgo the use of the downstairs space as a living room and instead opts to waste use it as a foyer. It is host to a round table on which sits a "kinetic sculpture," a funky wobbly art piece made of moving circles. (It's no drinking birds, but it'll do.) There is an armoire there, flanked by two chairs on which no one will ever sit. Unsurprisingly, the Vestal Virgin seems to think this is a good use of the space.

• Upstairs, there is (what I now know to be) a console table which Nathan has painted in a very angular two-toned pattern. Above that is a Palinesque deer antler lamp and another "kinetic sculpture."

• The adjoining dining room has a parson's table (love those) with four wildly patterned chairs. Above that is the paper-plate chandelier which looks either like a cloud or a Trading Spaces "art project." I can't decide. Naturally, the judges swoon over it, suggesting he copyright the idea. Far more successful (to my eye) is the paint spill painting, which we see has been hung horizontally. (That idea I want to steal and do myself, not that I could ever pull it off.)

• The family room is marvelous. Not only is it cool, funky and actually livable, but you can see the dining room art from there. The one drawback is the (say it with me) "sarcophagus" (Quack! Quack! Quack!) which is waaaaay to big for the space. Elsewhere in the room is a linen slip-covered sofa and some other comfortable-yet-stylish seating.

• The master bedroom, which we saw in the last challenge, has only been changed slightly. Nathan has wisely added window treatments and changed out the bedding to give the space some more life. It helps, but it doesn't really make it a winning room. Asked about why he didn't change out the boring bed, Nathan tells Adler that it was a concession to the time element.

• Then there is what Nathan calls the "little boy's room." He says it's "very playful" and "reads like a seven year-old's room." (Here the husband laughs and says, "Yeah, a seven year-old who reads Architectural Digest, maybe." I'd add, "... who really likes other little boys who read Architectural Digest.")

• Finally, there is the office space. It sports an antique desk, one of the patterned chairs seen in the dining room, the same turquoise and green floral patterned wallpaper Preston used in one of his rooms, some mod (yet totally empty) shelves. And, most curiously, the wall facing the desk sports a freaky, very random collection of framed pictures of birds, old men, a sailor, landscapes and a lap dog. I imagine this office belongs to David Lynch.

The judges bid the designers goodbye and, after a commercial for another crappy romantic comedy Christmas flick, we're at ....

The Final Judgment

Zeus descends from Mount Olympus to judge the living and the dead and ... Sorry, I was thrown off by that whole Vestal Virgin thing before.

The judges greet the final three designers from high atop the big room at Bally's. India, now suspiciously two shades darker than she was last week, reminds the contestants that one will walk away with the title, 100 grand and a spread in Elle DE-cor magazine. She again introduces the judges and the questioning begins.

During the interrogation, we learn that ...

• Nathan is wearing an insane necklace that reads, in Italian, "My friend made this for me; I promised to wear it on national television, and now she'll be the subject of ridicule coast to coast." (Incidentally, did anyone else get visions of Laura Petrie and the "Curse of the Petries" brooch given to her by her mother-in-law?)

• What Nathan liked least about his house was the ... "sarcophagus." (Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!)

• Told why Nathan didn't have his movers haul the thing out, Icy Madge asks, "It wasn't worth $100,000 to move that chest?"

• All of the judges adored the art Nathan created, though they seem split on Nathan's choice to use the living room as a foyer.

• Adler is able to get in one last memorable quip, calling Nathan's incongruous wall of portraits, the "Wall of Ex-Boyfriends."

• Ondine gets high marks for creating her best spaces of the competition.

• Judge Kelly (now revealed to have been the Vestal Virgin we saw before) will forever whine speak though her nose.

• She also says that she feels Ondine used too many "assessories."

• Ondine also gets slammed for asking too much of her carpenters and seamstress.

• She does, however, manage to defend herself ably.

• Madge gives Preston the kiss of death when she says he did "a really lovely job."

The judges send the designers away so they can make their final decision.

The four judges repeat everything they said before and throw in a few jokes to fill out the hour.

As for Ondine, they liked what she did and really liked her pink couches.

They were impressed with Nathan, though Margaret and Kelly disagree on the foyer which was lovely but served no purpose. (Of course, the woman who thinks preposterous runway fashion is meant to be worn on the street thinks no one needs a living room anyways.) And when India says Nathan is "fun" and that "it's time to have some fun," Jonathan seemingly reads my mind and makes a Samantha Fox reference.

Samantha Fox - "I Wanna Have Some Fun"

The panel posits that Perfect Preston's presentation was all precision and polish, but possibly missing was punctuation and pop which was not plentiful. And it made the crazy hair lady sleepy, too.

Back at the drinking couches, Nathan again exclaims how he really regretted keeping that wooden chest, or ... "giant coffin/S&M holding pen." (Ha! You thought he was gonna say "sarcophagus" again, didn't cha?)

They call back the designers and, after recaps of the three finalist's entire output and the usual plaudits for making it this far, India intones ...

"Congratulations ... Nathan. You have the Top Design."

The designing skinhead smiles and gets teary as the two runners-up congratulate him on his victory. They give the camera their final words.

And, finally, Nathan gets to have the final word.

"Sarcophagus."