Top Chef New York: 12 Days Of Christmas (Or, It's A Festivus Miracle!)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: 12 Days Of Christmas (Or, It's A Festivus Miracle!)
December 17, 2008

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were charged with preparing dishes for Gail Simmons' bridal shower. Ariane edged out ever-the-bridesmaid Jamie to win the elimination challenge by making some tasty lamb. And Deluded Danny was sent back to Long Island after making a general mess of things with a dreadful DIY "sushi" dish.

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Warning: I'm feeling quite grinchy of late and the general bullshit nature of this episode really didn't help. So, if you find me under your tree stealing all your presents ... well, blame Bravo.

It's another sunny August morning and the cheftestants are busy getting ready for another day of grilling and getting grilled. Chef Ariane (The Sopranos' Dr. Melfi) is feeling confident now that she's on the winning side of things, so we figure that Boniva™ has properties about which we had been unaware. And Chef Eugene (Nip/Tuck's Escobar Gallardo) is freaking out over having done so poorly the last time that he nearly was sent packing.

In the kitchen, the members of Team Eurotrash™ are also stressing over their poor performance in the last challenge. Chef Fabio (The Simpsons' Luigi Risotto) consoles a distraught Chef Stefan (Arrested Development's Stan Sitwell, without the wig), who has been dreaming about his fetish for finding footwear in his rectum.

Elsewhere, Chef Hosea (The Addams' Family's Lurch) is concerned about his cancer-stricken father. So to console him, the producers kindly allow him to chat with his family as long as they can use the family moment to show us a larger-than-life, six-foot neon, blinking sign that says, "Isn't this the greatest smartphone in the world!? Don't you wish you had one to discuss your daddy's cancer with your family?! Visit our web site or any of our convenient retail outlets and order yours today!"

Fuckers.

Once that abomination is over, the chefs head downstairs to see the corporate kitchen decked out in festive Labor Day decorations. There's garland and holly and a big Labor Day tree in the corner. Wow. Late summer really is the most wonderful time of the year.

Quickfire Challenge

Padma is there to wish them a happy holiday and to inform them that at this time of year, after burying themselves in sand at the beach, people traditionally bury themselves under "mountains of pots and pans." (Sounds painful. Must be an Indian thing.) And to honor this little-known tradition, the chefs will have to create a traditional Jerry Lewis Telethon Day meal using only one pot.

And who better to plug her book cool us all off on this hot summer day than the ice queen herself, famed Wall Street trader, Martha Stewart.

Ariane finds this "awesome."

Chef Leah (Rhoda's Brenda Morgenstern) is equally excited. She never dreamed she'd get to be in the same room with Ms. Martha. At least, not without knocking over a liquor store.

Martha tells Padma that she's a fan of one-pot cooking, since her 13 personal chefs cook things like that for her all the time. With that, it's go time!

Zip, zip, zip. Chef Jeff (L.A. Law's Arnie Becker) notices that most folks are fudging the one-pot guideline by preparing one item at a time in a pot, putting it to one side, and then using the same pot for something else. So, he decides to make a potato risotto.

Chef Jamie (Top Chef's Chef Jamie) shocks everyone by running for the scallops ... for the, what, fifth (?) time. And Ariane decides to make a some fillet mignon with veggies. But first, she must fricassee the English language.

"For me, doin' the collieflower pure-ay, the kids some- sometimes think it's mashpotaters so they'll eat it and get their veggies!"

See?

Fabio tells us a heartwarming holiday story about how he was an evil child and was chained to the stove by his lovely "granma" who forced him to whip polenta until his hands bled. (OK, I made up the bleeding part.) So, to honor her (pa-rupa-pum-pum), he's making a polenta with mushrooms and duck.

Eugene's feelin' his granny too, and is making some kind of Korean stew. But since he doesn't have time to reduce his broth, he's using corn starch to thicken it.

Then it's time for the ex-con to judge the dishes. She makes a face at Eugene's broth (or it could be at his use of "restraints" in reference to the time constraints, it's hard to tell). She gets all precious over Stefan's use of a certain kind of mushroom while she tosses him her room key.

After a few stops, she arrives at Jamie's station where Our Lil Lesbian presents her scallops. Asked if she thinks scallops are indicative of "this" season, she says that she serves them year-round, "expessially" nice, big ones. And Martha shows off her everyman appeal by talking about going diving for them off the coast of Maine. It's a touching holiday tableau.

Later, Ariane of the tiny noggin (I have that same problem with "one size fits all" caps) shows off her dish to Martha while they bond over both being from Jersey.

When it's time to judge, Ms. Martha singles out her least favorites as being Jeff's risotto, Eugene's corn starch-assisted stew and Fabio's memories-of-abuse polenta. This upsets Fabio, who threatens to sic granny on the patrician princess.

As for the winners, she says she was fond of the Hosea Paella, Jamie's This Should Finally Win Me Something Scallop and Ariane's "one-pot" steak. And the winner of this moment's cross-promotion is ... Ariane.

She beams. Jamie stews.

Elimination Challenge

Padma explains that for this challenge the chefs will be catering a Labor Day ball for 250 guests at a benefit for AmFAR (the Americans For AIDS Research). And to help them, they've brought in a dozen vocalists from the Harlem Gospel Choir.

They enter singing. ... Now, no doubt they're exceptionally talented, but let's just say that their vocal stylings are not a good match for the never-ending Christmas carol, "The 12 Days Of Christmas."

Still, their appearance does set off Chef Carla (Good Times' J.J. Evans), who recognizes them, shrieks, and then has to spend the rest of the day locating her left eyeball after it's rolled behind the GE Monogram™ stove.

The knife block appears and before you can say "twelve chefs a-pickin'," the contestants are each paired off with a "day of Christmas" from the song which is to serve as the inspiration for their dish.

Carla, still looking for her missing eyeball, find the challenge daunting. Ariane thinks it's "awesome."

Oh, and apparently there's still a Chef Melissa (Frasier's Maris Crane).

While the chefs make their appointed sponsorship rounds for their ingredients, let's run down the match-ups.

• 12 Drummers Drumming: Stefan
• 11 Pipers Piping: Hosea
• 10 Lords A-Leaping: Jeff
• 9 Ladies Dancing: Fabio
• 8 Maids A-Milking: Melissa
• 7 Swans A-Swimming: Jamie
• 6 Geese A-Laying: Ariane
• 5 Golden Rings: Eugene
• 4 Calling Birds: No one, damnit. (I totally didn't get that there are only eleven chefs left! What kind of fucking Labor Day spirit is this?)
• 3 French Hens: Leah
• 2 Turtle Doves: Carla
• And a Partridge In A Pear Tree: Chef Radhika (The Office's Kelly Kapoor)

As the chefs shop, we see that some are happier with their assignments than others. Hosea's thinking of making something smokey to signify "pipers piping" and is glad he's not saddled with "eleven lords a'leaping." Like Jeff.

Jeff, so saddled, decides to use a variety of Mediterranean cheeses to signify "leaping" from one island to another. (You laugh, but, if you couldn't find frog legs, what would you do?)

Stefan (I guess figuring a pot pie looks like a drum) decides to make that. Leah thinks playing it safe with three hens is the way to go. And Fabio again curses his luck for having the crappy assignment. First "something blue" and now he has to make "nine ladies dancing" work as "foo."

So, he decides crab legs are enough to suggest the theme and snorts away, his neck vein still a'bulging.

Ariane opts to go with an "I have immunity, screw you" theme and decides to make six different kinds of deviled eggs. (Speaking soley for myself, the mere thought of deviled eggs makes me gag hard.)

They wish the friendly friends at Food 'N' Friends a happy Labor Day and head back to the kitchen for some late-night cookery.

In order to showcase Food 'N' Friends' spiffy new bags made from recycled materials, the producers have Stefan make some bullshit statement about how the three hours of prep time is hardly enough when you have to take the time to unpack all this food. (Disclaimer: I noticed in his live chat during the show that Chef Spike mentioned that unpacking time is routinely done "off the clock," as it were.)

The cooking commences and Jamie reveals that (surprise!) she's going back to the scallop well for her dish, which will have said scallop "swimming" in some vichyssoise.

Melissa tells us she "believe(s) in the spirit of Christmas" (particularly when doing back-to-school shopping). This somehow translates to mean that she's doing something with cheese.

Radhika wasn't able to go on one of Dick Cheney's Canned Hunts™, so she's sans partridge. Instead, she's opted for duck with pear chutney hoping it'll be good enough. Still, a "duck in a pear tree" doesn't sound like it would be too comfortable for the duck.

Fabio reveals that he's making a "crap cake" and Eugene says that he's preparing a Tahitian ceviche with a "golden ring" of coconut.

With an hour remaining in the show to cook, Hosea figures this will be a good time to eliminate the competition by having them all drop dead from smoke inhalation. It doesn't work.

Finally, the chefs takes their steamy dishes for 250 guests and cram them into the unreliable-and-totally-not-worthy-of-your-purchase GE Monogram™ refrigerators and head upstairs to bed. And while visions of sugarplums (and end-of-summer sales) dance in their heads, a drama occurs downstairs.

The next morning, the chefs wake to the idea that with "1 hour to prep & pack" they'll have just enough time to pack up their dishes and head to the venue.

But then ...

The chefs discover that one of those terribly unreliable GE Monogram™ refrigerators was left open (or couldn't take all the hot food inside it, or was sabotaged by production, or was just horribly unreliable) and what was inside is totally spoiled and unusable.

This most directly affects Radhika and Hosea (and to a lesser extent Melissa) who had stored their duck, pork and cheese, respectively, there.

Whatever will they do?! Hosea is angry. And Radhika is so upset that she contemplates just quitting over this tragedy.

But then, magic happens! We hear sleigh bells and, suddenly Radhika remembers that she didn't use the legs of the ducks she broke down (and somehow conveniently remembered to store elsewhere at the proper temperature). Melissa "finds" a different cheese to use. And Hosea locates boxes of pork loin which have magically appeared under the Labor Day tree.

It's a Festivus miracle!

I think Eugene best exhibited his wonderment when he explains (emphasis mine), "We get more product for them ... "

I do, I do, I do believe in production assistants!

And not only has more product appeared, but Labor Day Santa has also either planned time for three hours of prep work to happen in an hour or he's also brought extra time in his bag of goodies.

Because now we get to see our happy little elves co-operate and help the most-affected two get their dishes ready with the products of their culinary alchemy. It just makes me feel all toasty inside. Like when I'm on the beach in August.

The chefs arrive at the venue and set up. Everyone reminds us about how much pressure they're under. And chop, chop, chop, the guests and judges arrive.

The judges this time are Tom, Padma as well as celebrity chef Michelle Bernstein and AmFar spokesperson, actress Natasha Richardson.

Stefan tells us how he wants to hump Ms. Richardson's leg and we move on to the event. She and her cleavage address the gathered guests, remind us that summer is the "season of giving,"  and tell the invitees that they will be picking a winner by pinning red AIDS awareness ribbons to the table of the chef whose dish they liked the most.

The service goes like this:

• Stefan (Twelve Drummers Drumming): He's made a chicken pot pie. It's a hit.

• Radhika (A Partridge In A Pear Tree): She's got her magic duck with pear chutney. Everyone swoons at it's magic-y goodness.

• Carla (Two Turtle Doves): She creams over Kenneth Cole and tells us that a mushroom cap is indicative of the back of a turtle (dove). Somehow.

• Eugene (Five Golden Rings): He tells some story about Polynesia and a "golden ring," which I could swear I heard Jeff Probst make up tell on some season of Survivor. This explains a "poisson cru," a pineapple ring and a potato chip. It's judged as being entirely too sweet.

• Fabio (Nine Ladies Dancing): The One Who Makes Them Wanna Drop Their Drawers has made a crab cake. No one cares as long as they can stand there and hear him talk. Who cares if it's another bullshit story of inspiration? Have you seen the man?

• Jamie (Seven Swans A-Swimming): She clearly thinks she's clever with her whole scallop "swimming" conceit. The judges just think it's slimy. (And major hotness Chyanne Jackson is edited to make it seem like he didn't like the dish, when he did -- as seen on Bravotv.com.)

• Melissa (Eight Maids A-Milking): It's cheese on toast. There may be some steak there. The dish makes the same impression as does the chef.

• Leah (Three French Hens): Hens. They're French. Next.

• Ariane (Six Geese A-Laying): Deviled Eggs. Six of 'em. ... Gag. (Sorry, reflex.) Still, aside from being a boring choice, the judges do think they're tasty.

• Hosea (Eleven Pipers Piping): Revealing perhaps more than he wanted to, Hosea says that when getting this assignment, his first thought was "put something in your pipe and smoke it ... dude." (The "dude" is silent.) His enchanted smoked pork is a hit. And Hosea gets hit on by some chick (which makes Leah wanna go scratch her eyes out.). In fact, it seems that Hosea is ... how do dey say in dis country? ... "da man," getting all kinds of attention.

• Jeff (Ten Lords A-Leaping): Not to be outdone, the culinary haircut is also getting "da digits" thrown at him by the lady guests. Some girl even says she wanted to be sure to "try him." (Not really my type, but, sure. If we're sampling, put me down for some, too.)

Ms. Natasha again makes some reference to "this time of year," the judges express their lack of enthusiasm for the dishes and we move on to ...

Judges' Table

Radhika, Jeff, Stefan and Hosea get called to the table for having the judges' favorite dishes. We get another telling of the tale of the magic pantry o' proteins and, one by one, we hear how each winning dish was good, but could have used this or that done differently.

Finally, the declare the winner to be ... Hosea of the Supernatural Pork Loin.

He tells us that he feels just "awesome" about the win.

And as a Labor Day gesture to the contestants, and to reward them for all pulling together in the spirit of Festivus, This Segment's Cookbook Plugger totally spontaneously and with no prompting from production decides to bestow her book upon each one of the finalists.

What happens next hardly matters. They call in Eugene, Melissa and Jamie as having the worst dishes. They go through the motions as if they're 86ing either Eugene or Melissa and they totally spontaneously and with no prompting from production decide to send Tom back to talk to the chefs.

He shames them, smacks them around some and forces them to eat Cheese Doodles off the floor for their crimes against cuisine. And, in the spirit of late-August, he totally spontaneously and with no prompting from production decides to not let anyone go tonight ... and advises that they raise their game step up to the plate bring it  not be pitchy, dawg cook what they came here to cook next time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a rubber Christmas pool toy to inflate.

Next time on Top Chef: A new judge. He's snarky. He scares Fabio. But will the chefs raise their game step up to the plate bring it  not be pitchy, dawg cook what they came here to cook? Or will we see a re-run of last year's Top Chef holiday throwdown? Ask that stern bald man over there in the chef's coat.

Top Chef New York: Gail's Bridal Shower (Or, The "Always A Bridesmaid" Episode)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: Gail's Bridal Shower  (Or, The "Always A Bridesmaid" Episode)
December 10, 2008

Previously on Top Chef: A bad ballroom dancer visited the chefs. The contestants performed for a "live" cooking segment on a "morning show." Melissa banged out some shrimp which were seemingly designed to kill everyone's taste buds. Alex chose to "think outside the box" and made a dessert he couldn't finish. Ariane, Jeff and Fabio got the "privilege" of having a coven of harpies taste their food on a co-branded morning chat show. Ariane won for making a tasty salad. And after Melissa made a rousing speech at tribal council, Alex was sent packing.

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It's morning again and Chef Melissa (Secret Superpowers: Invisibility and hot pepper breath) is stressed over having been in the bottom two last time (though she seems unconcerned that her 42 gummi bracelets make her look like a refugee from 1983).

Chef Ariane (Secret Superpower: The ability to make people think 40 is old) has given up whining with a mouthful of cereal and now decides to do it while sweeping up after "these kids."

We see that Chef Jeff (Secret Superpowers: Flow charts and deadly styling gel) has some nice abs on him. And we learn that Chef Stefan (Secret Superpower: Can name all 18 kinds of Finnish herring under pressure) has a crush on Chef Jamie (Secret Superpowers: Invisible plane, lariat of truth and bullet-repelling rainbow bracelets). It seems Stefan has made Jamie a teddy bear out of corporate branded kitchenware.

And he doesn't seem to "get" the whole lesbian concept. (Today's theme is: Stefan is an asshole. Scene one, complete.)

Jamie says that Stefan is "probably the cockiest person in this competition." Which is sort of the problem on several levels.

A quick shot of the NYC subway later (which is totally irrelevant, since they're only going downstairs), and we're ready for the ...

Quickfire Challenge

In the Thermador™ kitchen, the gang is greeted by Pocahontas. After a quick round of "Colors Of The Wind," she informs the chefs that there will be no guest judge this week because it's time for the much-anticipated Identify That Ingredient taste-test challenge! Unlike the past seasons, though, this one will be conducted via a bracket system. (I understand they also do this as part of a heterosexual tribal ritual known as "March Madness.")

The chefs draw knives with numbers which will determine which contestant they will face off against first. Jamie hope she doesn't have to get teamed up with Stefan, which of course means she gets paired off with the thick-as-a-lamb-shank chef. (Stefan is an asshole scene #2, complete.) She also hopes that after coming in second so many times, she'll finally win something this time. Which of course means ... Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Each pair will go head-to-head to identify ingredients in a sauce. As in that '70s game show Name That Tune, the contestants will bid to see how many ingredients they can name until one challenges the other to "Name that sauce!" when they think their competitor can't do it.

Round 1

First up: Chef Daniel (Secret Superpowers: Confounding mushmouthisms and magical dexterity with beard trimmers) v. Chef Hosea (Secret Superpower: Finding loopholes in Bravo's "don't get involved with your fellow contestants" clause). Daniel predicts he'll be the "winnah," which means he loses badly.

Next, it's Ariane v. Jeff. Jeff goes down when he misidentifies crab as one of the shrimp and lobster bouillabaisse's 30 ingredients. Ariane moves on.

Then, it's Jamie v. Stefan. He names five ingredients (four of which would go into just about any sauce) and moves on.

Afterwards, it's time for Chef Eugene (Secret Superpower: The McGyver-esque ability to turn ordinary household items into sushi ingredients) v. Chef Leah (Secret Superpower: Knowing what an amuse bouche is). Eugene goes down when he incorrectly names "fish sauce" as an ingredient. (Is there such a thing? In a sauce?)

Up next is the battle of Chef Radhika (Secret Superpower: Making her arms all bendy like Vishnu) v. Chef Fabio (Secret Superpower: The ability to disrobe people with his accent). Fabio loses when he foolishly thinks Radhika wouldn't be able to name three ingredients. (For some reason, the editors cut off Padma asking the obvious question of why he did that.)

Lastly, it's Chef Carla (Secret Superpower: Detachable eyeballs can be used as weapons) v. Melissa.

Round 2

In this round, the chefs will be doing the same thing with a Thai Green Curry.

First up, Hosea takes out Ariane. Accompanied by his contrabass theme, Stefan takes out Leah. (Leah thinks Stefan is an "asshole" for being so cocky as to beat her in this challenge. Stefan is an asshole scene 3? Check!)

Next, Carla takes on Radhika. But Radhika chokes on one ingredient and Carla moves on to ...

Round 3

In this round, the game changes. Instead of the Name That Sauce theme, we're on to a spelling bee motif. Padma presents the three remaining chefs with a Mexican mole sauce and they have to each name one ingredient until there is only one chef left standing.

Carla goes first. And on the first ingredient, misfires, leaving Stefan and Hosea to battle it out in the much-storied Battle Of The Shineheads.

On the seventh ingredient, Stefan incorrectly identifies tomato paste as an ingredient. Hosea names one last ingredient and wins the challenge and immunity.

Then, it's time for the ...

Elimination Challenge

The knife block comes back out and the cheftestants get a pickin'. This time, as the knives are pulled, we see that they have the phrases, "Old," "New," "Borrowed" and "Blue" on them.  Ariane tells us that she is married and, hence, has some key information none of the other chefs have: namely, that there's this phrase "Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue," which is a carefully guarded secret only shared among married people.

This will give her an edge.

We get a shot of Radhika praying that she doesn't end up on a team with Stefan, saying she'd rather team up with the Prince of Darkness instead ... and Stefan is an asshole, scene 4, check!

And the teams are ...

• Team Old: Jeff, Stefan & Hosea (a/k/a Vidal Sassoon & The Gillettes)

• Team New: Daniel, Eugene & Carla (a/k/a Goy, The Poi & Oh, Boy!)

• Team Borrowed: Jamie, Ariane & Radhika (a/k/a Carmela & The Delhi Soup)

• Team Blue: Fabio, Melissa & Leah (a/k/a Ciao, Chow & What Now?)
  

Padma tells the chefs they will be catering a wedding shower for a dear friend. And here she comes now ... Gail and her lovely bazooms! Daniel says that this makes him both "excited" and "pumped," leaving me with a terrible vision in my head.

The chefs will have to cook for 40 of Gail's closest lady friends. And they have discerning palates. Jamie, who has yet to cater a lesbian wedding despite living in San Francisco, feels woefully inexperienced ... and thinks women are "picky."

Gail tells the gang that she doesn't care for veal or black beans. (I knew about her black beans phobia and still don't get how, of all the things out there, that's the thing she can't stand.)

The teams get to planning.

Team Borrowed is being led by Jamie. And having brought a secret Indian ingredient in her kit bag, figures they can do the "borrowed" theme by saying they're "borrowing" Radhika's Indian cuisine. Radhika, who just doesn't want to be known for doing Indian food (despite doing it in every other challenge) goes along reluctantly.

Team Blue is stumped by the whole "blue" thing, since there are no naturally blue foods. They can come up with purple foods, but nothing blue. They settle on an ocean theme, thinking "deep blue sea" is as close as they're going to get.

Meanwhile, the magic mushrooms that Daniel and Eugene on Team New has taken are starting to kick in. Daniel thinks that nothing says "new" quite like pickling. Eugene thinks sushi just screams "new." Naturally, this leads to the idea of a cooked "surf and turf" sushi. (Where's Richard Blaise when you need him?)

And the members of Team Old put their silky, shiny, shiny heads together and come up with the concept of a trio of items incorporating heirloom tomatoes. Jeff thinks fried, green tomatoes would be perfect (since there was an old lady in that movie?). Then, Jeff decides to do a tomato sorbet.

Stefan tries to pummel down that idea for a dozen reasons. This pisses off Jeff and Hosea which gets us to ... Stefan is an asshole, scene 5.

The confabs end and it's shopping time at Safeway™! While the chefs shop, we get an Biographical Moment Of Impending Doom™ with Carla. We see a picture of her wedding (which implies she, too, knows the secret "old, new, borrowed, blue" handshake) while she explains the goofy call-and-response mating ritual she has with her hubby.

We also see Stefan trying to force Hosea into using a particular tomato in his dish. Stefan calls his bearded doppelganger, "Douche Boy Hosea" and gives us ... Stefan is an asshole, scene 6.

Back in the kitchen, the prep starts and we get a Biographical Moment Of Impending Doom™ from Eugene. He, too, has walked down the aisle and has been given the magic "old, new, borrowed, blue" phrase to guard with his life.

Fabio and Stefan share some banter rife with sexual tension and Stefan runs out to feed his disgusting, filthy habit which you'd think would really do a job on any chef's sense of taste.

On Team New, Eugene discovers that his sushi rice has turned to crap and figures he can make it un-crap by covering it with some other crap. (This is known in lay circles as the A-1™ Steak Sauce Theory.)

And then it's time for a visit from the King O' The Bald-Heads, Chef Tom Of The Purple Smock.

He tells Team Blue that, indeed, there are no naturally blue foods (and that blueberries are purple). He has some witty banter with Team Borrowed and Ariane foreshadows drama by telling us that she only has one task here: to make sure the lamb is cooked perfectly the next day.

To the comedic strains of the Losers' Contrabass, Tom visits Team New and is confounded by the 37 things they will be slapping together on a plate. (I guess Tom just doesn't realize that surf-and-turf, cooked sushi rolls with peach barbecue sauce, a sorbet, and fried won tons with pineapple, peanut butter, ketchup, raisins and Vienna sausage are very "cutting edge.")

At Team Old, Tom seems impressed at this group's choices. Here, we learn that Stefan's been married and divorced twice. With the same "chick" both times. (One wonders if Mr. Sensitive was trying to convert lesbians then, too.)

Time runs out and the chefs head back to tribal camp for a late-night bull session. While Eugene and Stefan share the filthy, disgusting habit which you'd think would adversely affect their sense of taste, Eugene relates his latest LSD-inspired idea for his team's offering.

Why not have the ladies prepare all the food themselves? If they stick 32 unrelated ingredients on a plate in front of the guests and then walk away, there's no way they can lose! Daniel, who must have been sniffing glue to prepare to do his bicep curls, thinks this is a great idea.

Stefan, who is an asshole (Stefan is an asshole, scene 7), warns them against this. In his hallucination, though, Eugene just sees Stefan as a talking, three-headed sea monkey and pays him no mind.

Daniel thinks the sushi DIY idea is "awesome."

And after a break, it's time for our Bravo Viewer Push Poll!

Ladies and gents, pop quiz! After seven scenes, do you agree with the statement: "Stefan is an asshole." Vote now!

This message brought to you by the company that banked on Guns 'N' Roses never finishing their latest album.

Now back to our show.

Scene: Thirty seconds of Stefan sexually harassing Jamie and trying to shove his tongue down her throat. (You get an extra ten seconds to ponder what the individual and network's response would be if it were a gay man pulling this kind of crap on a straight man.)

Have you voted yet? Because they're giving you the answer damnit! Hurry! Chemical-laden, carbonated beverages await!

Did we say we were back to the show? We lied.

OK, now we're back. ... DVR-bust this, Bravo!

In the morning, we get our weekly check-in with Top Chef Showmancers Hosea and Leah. Having just realized that there were cameras capturing their nightly games of grab-ass, the two freak out at the thought that their respective romantic partners back home will be seeing this. They each tell us how they like each other "as friends" while playing strip poker and drinking sponsored beverages.

Over in the bedroom, Fabio gives us a Biographical Moment Of Impending Doom™ when he completely of his own volition flips through his photo album and shows off a picture of his wedding. And Ariane then gets the same deadly foreshadowing treatment when we see a shot of her family.

Then, it's just a quick trip in a caravan of Global Warming Mobiles to Gail's wedding shower.

The ladies arrive, plop down their gifts and take a seat at the Citizen Kane dining table for lunch.

Bottles of Promotional Consideration Provided By™ are opened and the ladies start their saucing. And Tom, who has been castrated just for this occasion, has been relegated to the kitchen.

Service

Up first, is Team Old with their dishes. Stefan rags on Jeff's sorbet and it's time to serve. Visibly vibrating, Hosea has trouble serving, being around that many vaginas at once.

After Padma introduces guest judge Dana Cowin of Good Eats Magazine™, the trio introduce their dishes, Jeff's tomato carpaccio and sorbet, Hosea's tomato gazpacho with mint and Stefan's tomato terrine with eggplant and basil.

The Verdict: The ladies love it and particularly love the sorbet, but feel the terrine was a bit bland.

Next, is Team New with their "entire pantry on a plate" concoction. Eugene says something stupid about the ladies being given "choices" while Daniel mutters incomprehensibly and proceeds to grab some mushrooms to surreptitiously stick at the bottom of Carla's salad as a "surprise." (Kinda like the "surprise" the Indians got along with those blankets from the Europeans.)

Daniel, of course, thinks that adding a 33rd ingredient to the plate is just the extra "splooge" the dish needs, making all of America gag. (He also thinks that the women will start dancing with the food and taking their clothes off, so ... Moral: Crack is whack, kids.)

The Verdict: The ladies don't think the dish works without the side order of meth which would be required to understand it. Oh, and they didn't get the 16 page manual either, so ... Fail.

Third is Team Borrowed. Everything had been going well until they notice that the lamb, the one thing for which Ariane was responsible is not cooked completely. This sets off a mad panic, particularly in Jamie, who is crazy upset that she has yet to win a challenge. The team, though, manages to work together to get Ariane some extra time and when the rest of the chefs nobly step in to help with the plating, the dishes get out on time.

Jamie makes the presentation, explains the "borrowed" concept of the lamb on carrot puree with raita wilted kale and the guests get to eating.

The Verdict: The guests adore the dish and rule that the lamb is cooked "perfectly" and Gail says it made her (and her perky bosoms) "really happy."

Last up, Team Blue. The team strategy: Fabio will make the ladies all go moist in the nether regions with his accent and this should distract them from the plain nature of the team's fish dish.

Once they serve, Fabio gets extra Italian, compliments the ladies on their beauty and, after he picks a few pairs of panties off his head, the eating begins.

The Verdict: Sadly, the dish is not as hot and spicy as the chef. Someone calls it "old people food" for its lack of texture. And with that, the team's fate is sealed tighter than the seal on a Tupperware™ freezer pack.

Judges' Table

After the event, the chefs convene in the Stewed Room where Padma comes in to call up the two top teams: Team Old and Team Borrowed.

Tom tells the chefs that Jeff's sorbet was a particular favorite which makes Stefan fume. (Did we mention that tonight's theme is "Stefan is an asshole"?) Jamie is thrilled that they loved her carrot puree. And Ariane gets high marks for her perfectly cooked lamb.

Right before the guest judge announces the winner, Jamie is heard mutter to Ariane, "I want this win." Which makes it so much more dramatic when ...

Ariane is declared the winner of the challenge.

Jeff looks startled. Ariane is surprised. Jamie turns a bright shade of green. ... Now, let's avoid that "always a bridesmaid" line, please.

"Well the other chefs are saying to me that I'm always the bridesmaid and never the bride," says Jamie. (Well, you knew they couldn't resist that one, could they?)

Next, it's time for the two losing teams to face the judgment: Team New and Team Blue.

Team New gets raked over the coals for their idiotic concept, their bad rice and the "surprise" mushrooms. Eugene gets it for the rice. Carla gets it for letting Daniel mess with her salad. And Deluded Daniel of the Pajama Pants thinks the entire thing was fantastic!

Team Blue is criticized, mainly, for the simplicity of the food. Padma even called it "nursing home food" and Tom says it made him "blue." Fabio gets worked up over the criticism, but wisely stops himself before saying something that will put him at risk.

The chefs go back to the Stewed Room and Eugene and Daniel trade phone numbers, sure that one of them (Eugene) will be going home. The judges rehash their critiques and then call the losers back in.

But first ... Here are the results of our Bravo Push Poll: Yes, the viewers are indeed able to follow instructions and have declared Stefan that, indeed, is an asshole.

Back to our show.

Blah, blah, blah. Daniel's out.

The straight bear packs his bear trimmers, his MC Hammer pants and goes, still convinced that his cockamamie concoction was good.

Oh, perhaps around Exit 13 of the L.I.E., dude. Not around here. .... Ta.

Next time on Top Chef: And the chefs have to cook a Christmas meal for lady prisoners and Martha, Martha, Martha! (Right?)

Top Chef New York: Today Show (Or, Good Morning, America!)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: Today Show (Or, Good Morning, America!)
December 3, 2008

Previously on Top Chef: We were watching an infomercial and a reality TV cooking competition broke out. We all made believe Thanksgiving was held in July. The Foo Fighters made the chefs travel to Rochester to make food outside. Ariane made a nice turkey and all my dreams were crushed to the ground like so many stomped-upon s'mores when the judges sent my fuzzy Richard back home.

---

The morning after the elimination of my lust object finds the chefs reflecting on the competition thus far. Chef Jeff (a/k/a "Winky McGee") works on his upper body strength while Chef Ariane (a/k/a "The Old Lady") mangles her English some more. Elsewhere, Chef Alex (a/k/a "Chef Brigadoon," only visible when doomed) has gotten a letter from former roommate Richard which makes him cry.

And it's off to the kitchen downstairs for the ...

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs appear in the sponsored basement digs to find Padma and Mambo King Rocco DiSpirito. Naturally, everyone recognizes the totally not gay guest judge from his many appearances on reality TV. Chef Fabio (a/k/a "This Decade's Acceptable Straight-Boy Crush") is OK with Rocco since, despite both of them having first and last names that end in vowels, Fabio gets to keep custody of the accent.

Padma reveals that the challenge is all about breakfast, which prompts a doom gong and a look of despair from Chef Jamie (a/k/a "Rainbow Tattooey"). She loathes breakfast and wishes she could just make soup again.

The chefs will have to make a one-bite amuse bouche, breakfast style. The Cha-Cha Master tells them that they'll win if they use lots of bacon. "Everybody loves bacon!" chirps Padma while angry vegans outside stone the studio with tofu bricks.

As they rush around, Fabio tells us bacon is not European and decides to make dessert instead. Jeff, meanwhile, jumps to the wrong conclusion that this will be his only chance to do breakfast this competition and decides to make a five-course breakfast and call it an amuse. (Oh, and the entire country looks at the screen and says, "What? He works at Club Dildo?")

Chef Stefan (a/k/a "The Mighty Finn") suddenly decides that he's off Team EuroTrash and identifies as a Californian (for the purposes of claiming ownership fo Huevos Rancheros). He whips out a Paas™ egg-cutting tool and turns an empty shell into a nifty container for his bite.

Chef Daniel (a/k/a "Mushmouth") mutters something about zucchini flowers and corn flakes while Chef Leah (a/k/a "Lady Showmance") shows us that she's actually aware what a one-bite dish is supposed to be.

Padma calls time and it's on to the tasting.

During the eating, we learn that the ones that looked good are good, that most folks don't know an amuse from an appetizer and that there is some person here named Chef Melissa (a/k/a "The Loch Ness Culinarian").

Rocco delivers his verdict. Daniel's zucchini flowers (which looked like corn-flake encrusted cat turds) were a dud, as was Fabio's "dessert for breakfast." (In interview footage, Fabio shows that though he still has that accent, he is schooled in English profanities and knows where to buy "bullshit eggs.")

As for the winners, the Tango Master calls out Jamie's two-bite creation, Stefan's eggs in a shell and Leah's one-bite quail egg on toast. And since she's the only one who did what was asked of her and did it well, the winner is Leah!

Leah wins immunity in the elimination and a very special prize, a copy of Rocco's newest book, "Do The Funky Chicken The Rocco Way."

Leah's happy, but tells us she's not going to be satisfied to leave this competition with only that spectaular prize. Jamie's just bothered that Leah's edged her out on two Quickfires. Besides, Jamie was operating at a disadvantage, seeing as you can't make a one-bite corn chowder.

Elimination Challenge

Padma then explains that, as chefs, part of their jobs will be to raise their profile by suffering though televised cooking segments with the likes of Elizabeth Hasselbitch and Sherri The Flat-Earther. As such, they will have to create a dish which they will show off in a "live" two-and-a-half minute cooking segment in the LG™ Top Chef kitchen.

Chef Carla (a/k/a "Chef Crazy Eyes") is afraid that morning show hosts are like Puerto Rican street gang members. "They will cut you!" she fears. Leah says her first "dude" of the day and it's off to the races!

The contestants rush through Trader Joe's™ for their ingredients. There, Fabio, Chef Eugene (a/k/a "King Kamon Iwannasauteéya") and Chef Hosea (a/k/a "Master Showmance") hop behind the counter to cut their own fish (and make the store's insurance premiums skyrocket).

And this is where our Bravo schedule shows that we're supposed to see one chef make a deadly choice. This week, arriving right on time at minute 19 is Alex, who tells us that he's going to go "out of the box" to make an impossibly complicated dessert (a crème brûlée). We wait for a gong to signal the idiocy of this move, but, surprisingly, it doesn't come.

Then, it's back to Brooklyn for the chef's one-hour prep time. And, whattayaknow, we get to see this Melissa phantasm speak, which can only mean one thing. (If you don't know what that is, this must be your first reality show experience.)

Jeff explains that he's making a shrimp dish involving items no one outside of the foodie world has ever encountered. Jamie says that she's had scads of experience and is going to make something she's actually prepared on live TV before, something involving a fried duck egg. Meanwhile, Chef Radhika (a/k/a "Not Curry Girl") pops in to remind us that she's still on this show.

Carla informs us that she can't take being on the bottom. (That's what she said.) Ariane attacks a watermelon bigger than her head. And Daniel mutters something which may or may not have included the words "Bobby Flay." (Hethinkshe'dmakeagoodacta.)

Padma arrives in the kitchen with our gal Gail to call time.

Then, it's on to the "live television segments." We are to believe it's a "live television segment" because they use a different filter on the lens.

First up, Ariane. She shows off her beefsteak tomatoes with watermelon and aplomb. It tastes good and is a solid hit in the performance category as well, coming off like a well-seasoned pro.

Next is Jamie. She does reasonably well, but as she sees time running out, she notices that her egg isn't fully cooked. Rather than not finish, she opts to serve the raw egg on her salad. She lies and pretends the egg is cooked. (Much like they pretend the show is live.) It all does not go over easy.

After that, we see Alex's poorly conceived crème brûlée. Crème brûlée, we learn, can't be set in an hour. So when his 2:30 run out, it's no surprise that he's not ready for crackle. He tries to explain away his poor performance by saying he's a chef and not a "public servant." Or an English major.

Jeff does his hair show next, and we see that his dish is a "malfouf roll with shrimp and mugammara sauce."

(Of course it is. In fact, I was just lamenting yesterday that I was running low on both malfouf and mugammara. Damn Piggly Wiggly was out of both last time I went, the fuckers.)

Fabio follows Jeff and amps up the adorable and the accent for the spot. Coupled with his tasty, simple dish, he scores big with the judges.

Then we see Daniel threaten the studio with a fire code violation while he annoys the hell out of everyone by mugging for the cameras. (While he says he's making a skirt steak, I'm convinced what we're seeing is just a big ham.)

Stefan next makes a quick minestrone soup, even having the foresight to have a "swap-out" pot of finished soup for a "magic of television" moment.

We zoom through Hosea's peas and Eugene's sashimi before landing at Melissa's dish, a blackened habanero shrimp.

And while the alleged Melissa would normally not get a tenth of this amount of camera time, we see why she has now when the fire of the dish kills all the taste buds in each of the judges' mouths. Realizing he'll need those taste buds later, Tom scampers away to spit out the offending mouthful before it kills his career.

Carla doesn't get to finish her tortilla soup demo. Radhika runs out of time in making her "I'm still here, damnit!" cucumber salad. And finally Leah, too, fails to complete her dish in 2:30, ending with a hearty, "Fuck!" just for grandma at home waiting for Willard to wish her a happy 101st on the air.

With the demos over, the judges deliberate. Gail makes some comment which was totally not scripted about "yes, that's a good solution," after which Padma heads back to the Stewed Room to name this week's tops and bottoms.

The tops are Ariane, Fabio and Jeff, while the bottoms are Alex, Melissa and Jamie. And in a change from tradition which in no way will be indicative of a surprise to follow, Padma says that since it's getting late they'll all just be heading back to their digs for the night. "We'll see you at Judges' Table tomorrow," she says, as if the lateness of the hour ever prevented anything on this show. (That's the "good solution" that the judges totally just came up with on the spot.)

Next, the gang heads upstairs for a good ole' fashioned Big Brother/Survivor/Apprentice strategy session. First, Alex doesn't get bleeped when he says he could have "pussied out," by making something he could finish instead of a dessert he couldn't. And after he moans about not really being into the competition, thinking more about his impending nuptials instead, we see Leah advising Melissa on how to defend herself at Tribal Council.

The chefs get to bed and then, surprise! Tom (and the invisible camera crew) arrive at 2:00 a.m for a "wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey." Tom wakes Ariane and the shirtless duo of Jeff and Fabio and gathers them in the living room. (And we're supposed to believe that none of this woke any of the others from their restful slumber.)

He informs the trio that they're to get ready now because they have to head into town to make their dishes for the cast of the Today show who will be picking the winner live on TV. Ariane thinks this is "awesome" because she watches the Today show. And since she watches the Today show, this is her challenge. So she really hopes that whomever tastes her meal on the Today show will love it. On the Today show.

Of course, Fabio is at a disadvantage here, since he only knows it as a "morning show." Fabio may end up over with the friendly friends at Fox & Friends if he sidesteps his synergistic overlords so willfully again.

An hour later, the three are wheeling their coolers into the restaurant by the "morning show" studios where they are met by the establishment's executive chef, a man named "Jawn." (I'm assuming he has a dog named "Phaedeaux.")

As they get to work, Jeff laments that he's going to be serving a sophisticated dish to "ladies with unsophisticated palates at 6:30, 7 a..m." This, of course, is what they'd like you to think. We realize that he's actually three or four hours off when we see that they're actually serving the gang from the train wreck eighth hour of the Today show, which airs at 10 a.m. (Look for the show to be expanded into the dinner hour in '09.)

Ariane, 40, calls herself an "old lady" one more time, (which makes me what, then? A fossil?) and their prep time is up. How exactly the food is supposed to hold up for the next four hours before it is to be tasted is beyond me.

Suddenly, we're back at the Casa Cuisine where the other chefs wake to discover the three leaders gone. They are shocked. (Perhaps because they were seriously drugged by the producers the night before so they wouldn't wake up when they heard a crew setting up and staging a scene in the living room overnight.) Oh, and there's a TV now. Unfortunately, it only picks up NBC.

Over at 30 Rock, the three tops wait in the green room and are forced to actually watch the "morning show" from start to finish. (I think we do this to prisoners in Gitmo now.) Finally, after some 16 hours of Today, it's time for the cooking segment.

Meredith Vieira, the one marginally watchable member of this particular hen party, introduces Tom who is there to plug this new season of the show. He presents the three top dishes to the cackling crew and asks them to pick a winner.

First, they taste Ariane's tomatoes and watermelon. Meredith doesn't eat watermelon and stops short of telling the morning audience about how it affects her BMs. Everyone tastes. Everyone likes.

Next is Fabio's seared tuna with roasted carrots. As they sample his dish, the harpies all natter at once. This confuses Fabio, as he is unfamiliar with the American custom of spending the morning with large gatherings of televised, bickering shrews.

Lastly, the fishwives dig into Jeff's esoteric dish. And, true to form, former Anita Bryant employee, Hee Haw Honey and all-round bottom feeder, Kathy Lee Epstein Gifford makes a giant production of spitting he mouthful out into the sink. (Have I mentioned how much I detest morning television?)

Finally, the four women gather around their cauldron, toss in an eye of newt and pick a winner: Ariane.

Back in the green room, the Jersey Girl celebrates. As an extra bonus, the three get to meet Meredith, but not the others.

Then it's time for ...

Judges' Table

The three tops enter the judging room for Ariane to formally be awarded the win. First, she gets a special prize from Rocco.

He says that since he loves tools, he's cherry picked some of his favorites for her. And in walk Chefs Stephen Asprinio, Ilan Hall and Lisa Fernandes! Enjoy them Ariane; they're all yours!

Next, she learns that as an extra prize for winning this round she'll be doing a live cooking demo on the morning show the day after this episode airs. Naturally, she's thrilled since she watches the Today show, her family watches the Today show and all her customers in Jersey watch the Today show.

Then it's time for the three ankle-exposing bottoms, Michelle, Alex and Jamie, to face the panel.

During the inquisition, we learn that ...

• Melissa thought that her habanero shrimp tasted good and spicy.

• The judges thought it tasted more like a white-hot lava flow.

• Jamie just got frazzled making her dish.

• The judges feel she could have just flipped the egg to cook it faster if she saw she was running out of time.

• Alex has questionable taste in hosiery.

• He also doesn't get the TC commandment about not taking risks that are just plain stupid, like making a dessert you know you won't have time to finish.

• Tom hasn't had a moment to shave since 2 a.m.

When Padma asks if anyone has anything to add, Michelle pipes up and delivers her final statements to the houseguests in sequester the evicted tribe members The Donald the judges, saying how she deserves to be here because she wants to be here. Asked if that was directed at someone else who, by intimation, doesn't want to "be here," she punts and says it was just a statement about herself.

Astonishingly, Alex doesn't seem to get right away that this was all about him. (Alex just watches Deal Or No Deal and doesn't get how this works.)

Back in the Stewed Room, however, he finally pieces together what happened after Melissa replays her speech for the others. "Did she throw me under the bus?" he asks. (Drink!)

Mad that he can't go back and defend himself, he complains to Jamie that it's "fucked up" to be "throwing people under the bus." (Drink! Drink!)

A few clichés (and one random "this will make you stop your DVR to watch the commercials" 30-second clip) later, they are called back in.

Tom shames the three chefs and Padma delivers her verdict.

"Alex, please pack your knives and go."

He weeps a little, hugs his colleagues and heads off to plan his wedding.

And, as it was written in the ancient texts, once again the ancient prophecy is again fulfilled: "And in the fourth round, ye shall eliminate the invisible Latino male and never speak of him again."

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to cater a bridal shower for the lovely Gail. Fabio charms the ladies with his sexy accent. Jamie is a taskmaster. And (we can assume) we see the Stefan/Jamie "douchebag" fight. 





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