Top Chef New York: Restaurant Wars (Or, About Last Night ...)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: Restaurant Wars (Or, About Last Night ...)
January 21, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs visited a farm and picked out the cheery farm critters which would get to become lunch. Jamie thought Stefan called her a "douchebag," but, in the end, the two of them, along with Carla, won the prize-less challenge. Stuck on a team with the joined-at-the-tonsils team of Saboteurs Hosea and Leah, Ariane got set up for the fall. And when she failed to prepare a lamb properly, her heartwarming journey from "worst-to-first" went back to "worst" and she was sent back to Jersey.

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The morning after Ariane's de-knifification, the remaining cheftestants reflect on the fact that they're halfway done with the competition. Some clean. Some read. Chef Carla gets us all drinking early.

"Ariane was totally beat up over the lamb," says the googly-eyed one. "Hosea and Leah threw her under the bus."

Glug.

Chef Radhika becomes the next chef who must contractually hold up the crappy cell phone so we can all see the sponsor's logo while Chef Hosea sits outside with Chef Stefan (and his filthy, disgusting habit which you'd think would adversely effect his sense of taste). And just as Hosea tells Stefan that he's eager to get to see his girlfriend when he gets home, Chef Leah appears. Awk-ward!

Leah keeps us taking vodka shots when she pipes up that "this is a competition."

Glug.

 And with that, we're off for the ...

Quickfire Challenge

The eight remaining chefs arrive in the Kitchen O' Logos to find Padma there with this week's guest judge, restaurateur Stephen Starr. Padma calls him a "restauranteur." Hosea calls him a ""restauranteur." And I wonder why there isn't an "n" in that word.

But that's not the news. The news is that the eight have made it to the much-anticipated ... Restaurant Wars challenge!

I believe the kids would say "w00t" at this point.

Padma explains that this Quickfire will be to create a tasting for a "prospective investor" for their (make-believe) restaurant. And the two chefs with the best concepts and tastings will get to lead the competing restaurant teams for the elimination challenge. Oh, and the two winners will not get immunity in the elimination challenge.

Yea! None of the rewards and all of the risk! Who wouldn't wanna win this one?

Chef Jamie, proving that she indeed has more sense than a wheel of cheese, tells us that she's not going to be trying too hard to win this one, since the leader of the losing team in Restaurant Wars is always the one sent packing.

Chef Fabio predicts this will be a bloody challenge, since "in love and in war you are allowed to do everything." Fabio, it would seem, is now looking for work, having just been sent off to Crawford with the rest of the departing Bush team.

In fact, he could actually be Bush in disguise, seeing as he has the same problem with the freezer door as Former Fearless Leader did with that one in China.

As they zip about, Leah picks up some snapper for her dish, but then regrets it because it smells "skanky." (Insert your own way-too-easy Leah joke here. ... Or did I just do that?)

 Time runs out and the judges get to tasting.

• Carla's opened her crown chakra and heard that Twin Flame and Spirit Eagle were both telling her to create a concept that is "new American" with "rustic" ingredients. This translates to "serve under-seasoned cod."

• Hosea made seafood which leaves no impression.

• Leah seems to have abandoned the "skanky" fish and has prepared a Japanese soup with chicken which has some fancy name I had to look up. The judge says it's "tasty." Seeking attention, Leah leans over to Hosea and says she's sure the judge hated it. Which causes Hosea to console her and gives her a good excuse to hump his leg.

• Stefan steals Chef Jeff's gimmick and makes a trio of something-er-other. It's called "very good."

• Jeff, thus robbed of his three-plate shtick, resorts to making a "mushy" salmon.

• Radhika repeats her "I'm Indian, but I do all sorts of stuff" saw and presents her Indian/Latin/Mediterranean/Middle Eastern/Serbo-Croatian cod dish. It scores.

• Jamie reveals her please-don't-let-me-win-this sea bass plate and her concept of an All Scallops, All The Time Café. The judge says it's "refreshing" to taste something "so simple." You can almost see Jamie thinking that perhaps she should have salvaged Leah's "skanky" fish to be sure she wouldn't win.

• Fabio shows off his "launch" restaurant concept and his sandwich/soup/salad dish. The sandwich is Fillet Mignon, but the judge calls it "cheesesteak." This inflames the saucy Italian and he announces plans to deploy the 101st Airborne Division to take out Stephen Starr's bistro.

Once that's over, the judge makes his ruling. The "losers" were Jeff for his salmon and Fabio for his non-conceptual "launch" concept.

As for the winners, Starr says they offered the dishes which were the "most unique," which totally drives me to distraction. (I mean, were they more one-of-a-kind than the others? Could they have been less one-of-a-kind?)

And the "winners" of the challenge and a 50/50 shot at going home this week are ... Leah and Radhika.

W00t?

Elimination Challenge

The ladies then have to pick their teams for the upcoming challenge.

• Radhika picks Jamie.

• Leah, who has a boyfriend at home, picks her "chemistry" partner, Hosea. He reminds us again that he has a girlfriend waiting for him at home.

• Radhika picks Carla for her all-girl team.

• Leah picks Fabio.

• As her last choice, Radhika picks Jeff, ostensibly for the haircare tips.

• Which leaves Leah to get saddled with the Ferocious Finn, Stefan.

So, to recap, the teams are ...

Radhika, Jamie, Carla & Jeff: Team "A Maharaja Cliff Kid, Jeer" ... and ...

Leah, Hosea, Fabio & Stefan: Team "Baa Loses! I Off A Heathen!"

The teams get thirty minutes to plan, and pick out fabrics before leaving for their shopping trips. Team Rad-Et-Al (accent on the "et al") decide to go with a "spice trade" theme. The name, Radhika's contribution, is "Sahana," which means "I abdicate all responsibility" in Hindi.

When it comes time to pick who does what, Carla says she's not comfortable doing the front of house work. Jeff says "I'm much more comfortable in the back." (Back home, Mrs. Jeff sighs, having heard that once too often.) Jamie doesn't even offer the suggestion that she perform this job, leaving Radhika to accept it by default.

Over on Team Lovebirds 2X, the team settles on an Asian food concept. Fabio freaks out a little, having no experience with that cuisine. Instantly, he's tapped to work his magic on the front of house where his accent can be put to good use.

They hang up their coats and head out to SponsorShopLandia for food and supplies. First stop, Wick-N-Sticks for some decor!

Team Rad' starts grabbing things that they deem "ethnic." And since it will be an Indian/Middle Eastern restaurant, they choose statues of giraffes to liven up the place. This is done in tribute to the wild Indian giraffes of the Himalayas.

Speaking of Himalaya, Hosea acts as pack mule for the 101 candles his team will be using in their establishment.

In a call-back to the Restaurant Wars of a few seasons back, we see that Stefan is making sure that these candles are unscented. This, however, is no guarantee that Madonna's brother won't be there to be bitchy again this time.

Once back at Casa Cuisine, the teams gather to plan their menu. At a meeting of Team Holeah Avec Eurotrash, Stefan gestures with his hands and says something about something being small, "tight and sexy." (We assume that, off-camera, Fabio then slaps Stefan for having revealed their "special secret.")

As the discussion continues, Leah, who has never worked with Stefan before, comes to realize why no one ever wants to work with him. Stefan claims the dessert portion of the meal and Leah heads off to indulge her filthy, disgusting habit (which you'd think would adversely effect her sense of taste).

Over with Women & The Wink, Jamie is taking charge, planning the menu with input from Carla and Jeff. Radhika, the "team leader" decides this would be a good time to practice her shorthand, since she's clearly planning a career in the steno pool after this.

Later, Leah and Hosea commiserate over how big a schmuck Stefan is being while he indulges his filthy, disgusting habit (which you'd think would adversely effect his sense of taste). In fact, they're so bothered about Stefan that, out of sheer frustration, they decide to "create the beast with two spatulas," as it were.

Cue the woka-chicka-woka-chika porno music.

Not realizing that they're being filmed though some kind of atrium window, the two "flirt" on the couch. Yes, they "flirt" in that special "No, honey, I was just 'flirting!' " way which gets your clothes doused with bleach, results in your couch being set on fire and earns you an appointment in front of Judge Judy.

The next morning the fornicating fry-cooks are hit with a serious case of the morning-after heebie jeebies. And not your regular morning after heebie jeebies. It's the kind you get when you really don't care that you were with someone, but you're really freaked out that you were being filmed and recorded, despite knowing there are cameras everywhere and you're wired with a live, cordless mike and wouldn't have expected the producers would be using the footage, except for the fact that they were asking you about it in your interviews and now it's starting to dawn on you that your significant other is going to see this when you get home and you'll need to take out a protection order to keep them from filleting your nether regions. That kind.

So Hosea looks into the camera and, again, says he has a girlfriend back home who he loves and wants to be back together with when this is all over.

And Taco Bell is known for its nutritious, healthy, fresh-from-the-farm flavors.

Then it's Leah's turn to explain that she has a boyfriend at home who she'd really like to be with when this is all over.

And a steady diet of Little Debbie snack cakes and Mr. Pibb will give you a body like Giselle Bundchen.

They all discuss what they're getting at the supermarket for their meals and Leah announces that she needs "a lot of lemon -- a lot of lime." (I wasn't aware that was a suitable substitute for the morning-after pill. Interesting.)

The two teams of four break into four sets of two, with one pair from each team hitting the grocery store and the other buying stuff at the restaurant supply shop. En route, Hosea and Fabio decide upon a name for their restaurant. It shall be called the Sunset Lounge, probably because "Free STD Tests Every Wednesday" won't fit on the sign.

We get about ten seconds of drama when Team Sahana is frustrated not to find lamb shanks in the store. But, seconds later, the crisis is averted when Jeff finds boxes of frozen lamb shanks in the shop's freezer.

The other not-really-a-crisis happens on the other team when they can't find any snapper and have to settle for black cod instead.

It's really a gripping drama.

The whole gang then arrives at the Fulton Fish Market, where they will have the entire top floor for their kitchen and faux restaurants.

Once in the kitchen, Leah goes over her team's menu and explains that while Fabio handles the entire front of house operation, the rest of them will be in the kitchen. And since Leah and Hosea don't want Stefan making things awkward for them (well, more awkward for them), Stefan will be segregated over in Stefan Land where he can make his desserts and leave them to their meaningful glances over the scaly cod.

Over on Team Sahana, Radhika reviews her team's menu, explaining that Jamie and Jeff will be handling the main dishes, Carla will be preparing the desserts and she'll be over in the corner working on her diary.

Cooking commences and so does the tension between Hosea and Leah and The Hose' again characterizes what happened as "flirting," as in "Wilt Chamberlain once claimed he had been 'flirting' with 20,000 women."

Later, Leah discovers that her cod is riddled with little bones. So now they'll have to get to down to some serious boning (of the fish) if they want to not end up as the losing team. Hosea is not impressed with her boning skills (which probably accounts for some of their awkwardness).

Carla, meanwhile, is hard at work on her desserts and starts to lose her mind over the kitchen's freezer. It seems it doesn't freeze things. Which doesn't make for a good frozen yogurt dish.

Stefan also seems to be having the same problem with the non-freezing freezer. (It doesn't look like the two teams are sharing a kitchen. Are they sharing a freezer?) But since he's Stefan The Mighty Finn, he has some magical Scandinavian/Californian/French/Czech/Sri Lankan/Middle Earthian trick with ice cubes and the (colder than the freezer) refrigerator which will force the desserts to freeze.

The servers arrive and Radhika has changed into her stress dress. Carla, who is starting to melt down over her dessert melt down, asks for input on the failing desserts from Radhika, but gets none.

It is at this point, we presume, Carla seeks guidance from Manipura, the Solar Plexus Chakra, since she's not getting any from Rad'.

As zero hour approaches, everyone runs around like crazy. Jeff says he feels like "a hummingbird on cocaine." (Being from Miami, he'd know, since all the hummingbirds there like that.) He chugs some wine to mellow out his buzz.

It is then that we see that Fabio has donned his best gigolo-wear and is ready to charm the pants/panties/undies/whateveryougot off the clientele.

"We can serve monkey ass an' empty clam shell, we gonna win this one!"

Speaking for, well, everyone, "Yes, Fabio. I believe there isn't a person of whatever orientation who wouldn't succumb to you at this stage." ... Moving on ...

It's time for the guests to arrive. In the initial "compare and contrast" shots, Poor Radhika is professional, but clearly tense, while Rico Suave is the portrait of charm and elegance.

In fact, it seems that Jamie is spending more time correcting the servers while Radhika is busy being curled up in the fetal position.

Then, the judges arrive at Sahana. And, damn it all, Judge Baldy McQuipperton is still with us. Grumble, grumble.

The judges get a curious flat bread. They seem to enjoy it.

Next is a curry soup and a chickpea cake with seared scallop. Both are greatly praised.

For the entree, they next get a seared snapper and also a braised lamb shank. Both dishes score, though the "tomato water" with the snapper is judged as a bad idea. Snippy McGee gets off his first forced dig of the evening comparing the liquid to "dish water."

Then it's time for Carla's desserts. She says she's not happy with them, but figures that if she does a ceremonial fire dance in the kitchen, Vishuddha, the Throat Chakra, will make it taste good to the diners anyway.

Finally, the judges get the desserts, a spicy chocolate cake and a non-frozen frozen yogurt dish. Here the train goes completely off the rails. The judges don't have the right cutlery and can't eat the runny mess. And what they do get  to eat, they really do not enjoy. Snipey The Skinhead lobs his second "makes you wanna bite through the TV cable" wisecrack, comparing the dessert to the career of Elvis Presley, starting out well but ending on the crapper. (Seriously.)

Curiously, at precisely the same time the fro-gurt goes down on Top Chef, Neil "Fro-gurt" meets a similarly tragic end over on Lost. Who knew there would be a "cross" between those two?

But all of this seems to be lost (no pun intended) on Rad', who is getting wound tighter than Kenny Rogers' new face. Everyone is totally put off by it, actually, from the diners and the judges to the chefs and the crew of the international space station. And while the judges discuss her absence from the floor, Tom speculates that if they were to just get up and leave, they wouldn't even be acknowledged.

They do. And they're not.

I believe the kids here would say, "Epic FAIL."

Next, the judges head to Sunset Lounge. In the kitchen, Leah Of The Flat Affect is unhappy with her dishes and doesn't seem to care while Fabio busies himself providing excellent service and personalized Italian lap dances for each of his customers.

He greets the judges and seats them with his usual charm causing much tingling in the nether-regions for each of them.

Then comes the food. First up, an amuse bouche. It does not amuse.

Next is an appetizer of sashimi and radish salad. It does not appetize.

This is followed by the entrees of a braised short rib and Leah's nasty cod. And while Hosea's ribs are OK, Leah's cod is a huge disaster. The judges' fish is undercooked and they simply don't care to even get a replacement dish considering how bad it was aside from that.

And when Fabio informs the kitchen of this, Leah throws herself in to the deep fryer. (Or am I just wishing she would have?) She predicts that she will doubtlessly be going home.

Finally, it's time for Stefan's desserts, a chocolate rice parfait, a lemongrass and ginger panna cotta and, to finish off everything, some frozen mango, chocolate and mint "lollipops." These offerings make everyone wet themselves with delight, so much so that the judges wonder if Stefan's dishes will singlehandedly save his team from the chopping block.

As the evening ends, Radhika, who at this point must have noticed that the judges left without getting a "goodbye," is bereft. Carla feels she let her team down with her desserts. And after Fabio runs down the list of complaints about the food to Leah, she (presumedly) asks for a pity lay from Hosea in the walk-in.

In the dining room, the diners fill out their comment cards while the judges start deliberating on which team did better or worse, because where one team shone (main courses, service or desserts) the other failed miserably.

And before we get to Judges' Table, we get a 30-second fake-out, make-you-stop-your-DVR-and-watch-a-commercial scene. This one is set in the Stewed Room where we learn that, in addition to his magical powers of coiffure, Chef Jeff (aka: James At 15) is also a wizard with the power to divine which can of Aspartame Soda you have chosen. "He's a crazy-pants," says Stefan. "He's gooood," adds Fabio. It's about the cutest thing we've seen all season. ... Which says a lot about this season.

Judges' Table

Padma pops into the Stewed Room and calls up the winning team ... Team Sunset Lounge. Crap.

Once we're at Judges' Table, Tom reveals that the judges were pretty split as to which team was the winner, but in the end, it was decided by the diners' comment cards, which gave the edge to Sunset Lounge, based almost entirely on Fabio's service and Stefan's desserts. Gooooooo, Eurotrash™!

Still, everyone did agree that Leah's stanky cod was the worst thing they tasted all night. So, take that!

Reaction?... Nope. Still Flat Affect Sally.

And the winner of the challenge is ... Stefan. ... He'll be receiving a room of cooking appliances from the fine folks at Magic Chef™!

And now for ... Gong! ... the losers.

Radhika says she's "not sure" what went wrong. She reveals that while everyone else did their own thing, she "helped with the prep," mastered the lotus position and played a mean game of Sudoku.

Jeff and Jamie defend their dishes, which really needed no defending, since they were hits with everyone.

But then there were Carla's desserts. She admits that, while the dishes sucked, she was really proud of the fact that she "had a good time." (You have to cut the girl some slack there; that's probably the patchouli talking.)

Called on that cockamamie bullshit (which I know is redundant), she keeps going, saying that she was "sending out some love" alongside the crappy food, hoping that would mitigate the crappy food. For some reason, this argument doesn't seem to impress.

Asked how her enjoyment in the kitchen could work its way into the mouths of the diners, Carla snaps, "That is my belief, Tom!"

Here, I ask everyone to join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and respect my belief in his wondrous and magical powers as he looks down on us from his pasta throne on high.

Queried on why then she didn't just, on seeing that the yogurt wasn't freezing, ask Rad' to rename the dish "yogurt soup," she finally shuts her pie hole.

The judges then turn their fire on Radhika who didn't fix the dessert, didn't train the servers and, overall, didn't think to actually lead her team.

They're sent away for the judges to decide which of the two, Radhika or Carla, should be sent home.

And after the deliberation, they have their answer.

"Radhika, please pack your knives and go."

In her exit interview, she expresses disappointment for being sent home for non-cooking-related reasons. She second-guesses her decision to allow herself to passively be placed in the front of house. And then runs off to make some more non-Indian curry dishes.

Next time on Top Chef: It's time for some more corporate synergy. And what better pairing of concepts could there be than a Bravo reality show watched by foodies, fashionistas and style mavens and ... The Superbowl! ... But wait! What's this? Why, it's chefs from seasons gone by! And .. Yes! My Andrew! My sweet, sweet crazysexycool Andrew! (I promise no "culinary boner" references.)