Top Chef: Finale, Pt. 1 (Or, Aw Shucks!)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: Finale, Pt. 1 (Or, Aw Shucks!)
February 18, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: Carla won the Quickfire with green eggs and ham (hold the ham). The gang had to create last meals for a bunch of culinary apostles before their (anticipated) executions. Fabio made the winning dish, despite busting up his hand. And Leah finally got the boot. There was rejoicing across the land for we shan't have to ever see her again. ... Right?

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It's down to the final four! And we're in New Orleans for the finale!

The chefs appear at the airport one by one. Chef Hosea (The Lumbering Lothario) is mad that he's never been to New Orleans before. Chef Fabio (The Prince of Pesto) is now sproting a crazy lesbian Mohawk and a pink scarf. Chef Carla (The Teetotalling Tortoise) straightened her hair, but still carries herself like Olive Oyl.

And Chef Stefan (The No-Hair Hare) is all slobified, chewing gum and being as cocky as ever.

The four travel though the city and discuss their suitcases full of gumbo. They arrive at a luxurious plantation where they are greeted by the (surprisingly ill-thought-of) Padma, Tom and bam-meister Emeril Lagasse. Before them are three tables. Three tables.

This leads to speculation as to what that means.

Quickfire Challenge

Padma explains. The four chefs ... will not be competing in this challenge. Instead, the contestants will be ... the last three chefs eliminated! And here they come now!

Chef Jamie ("Newer! Blonder! More Rainbow-y!"), Chef Jeff ("Still Desperately Needing Xanax!"), and ... Chef Leah ("Just Back From The Clinique Counter at JC Penny!"). Ugh. I Thought I'd wouldn't have to endure that woman for another week.

So, it works like this. The three will compete for a chance to compete for the title again. Naturally, the final four are none too pleased about this. (And Hosea has that whole "Um, sorry I didn't call you after that, um, thing the other night, but, um, I've been really busy" look on his face when he spies Leah.)

The three rejects will have to create a dish for Mr. Kick-It-Up-A-Notch using cajun staple, crawfish. Leah says she's nervous since she's never worked with crawfish before. (Insert horrid joke about crabs here.)

Go!

Unpack. Cut, cut, cut. Cook, cook, cook.

Leah's making a gumbo for the first time. Jeff is making shrimp and grits (and is still resentful about how he was sent packing before). And Jamie thinks it would be "awesome" to get back in the game.

Jamie's making not-gumbo. Jeff's schizophrenia is acting and he's having trouble making the monkeys in his head shut up while he cooks. And mid-challenge, one of the crawfish decides to make a break for it. Run, little critter, run!

Time!

Emeril tastes the dishes. He tries Leah's gumbo, Jeff's grits and Jamie's corncake. Jeff and Jamie note that they've worked with crawfish before. Leah hasn't. But Emeril has a poker face and isn't letting on what he's thinking.

Lady GaGa - Poker Face

Sorry, I can't get that out of my head now.

Emeril likes them all, but picks ... Jeff!

And now, the catch. In order to make it to the finale, Jeff will have to win the next challenge to avoid re-elimination.

Now, they all get to check into their sumptuous digs before heading to dinner at Emeril's famed "Didn't I Once Have A Sitcom?" restaurant.

Hosea thinks this is "awesome."

While they all enjoy dinner, Fabio tells us about his sick mama, Carla is restrained and Stefan acts extra-dickish towards Hosea.

At this point, Stefan declares, "This is a competition ..."

"This is a competition?" Bingo! Aaaaaah! I have Bingo! What did I win!?

GE™ appliances.

Swell. Well, there's always E-Bay.

The next morning, the five leave the hotel and arrive at a warehouse which is used for storing Mardi Gras parade floats.

Elimination Challenge

Padma reveals that the next night chefs will be catering a big party for a New Orleans Mardi Gras organization (a/k/a "krewe" in Cajun, "posse" in hip-hop, "school" in whale, or "Crüe" in hair metal). And they will each have to create two dishes and one cocktail for the cast of Eyes Wide Shut II: Electric Boogaloo. One dish will have to be in the Creole style of cooking. The other will also have to be in the Creole style of cooking, only we're not going to tell the chefs. Just for giggles.

Hosea informs us that, unlike other types of cooking, Creole cooking is about flavor. (For instance, Irish cooking is all about flatulence.)

Oh, and one more thing. The winner of the challenge wins .. a Brand. New. Car!

Yes, it's a still-in-its-original packaging 1983 Chrysler K Car! Oooooooh!

Fabio tell us that the car he drives now, a Toyota Venza, is a "piece of ... poop," so he really wants to win this.

Fakeout Scene! We fooled ya not having one last week, didn't we? Well, now you'll have to pause that DVR for a hot second. ... Today on our menu we have Stefan regaling the gang with how he went to visit Fabio over Halloween (which somehow involves Lost-like time-travel since we already had Thanksgiving, Christmas and the Superbowl). And Stefan was disgusted at seeing Fabs in drag, something the spicy Italian does for all major holidays. This leads to Hosea discussing how he finds it difficult to fit his large testicles into his man-ty hose. Fakeout Scene Over!

The chefs arrive at Emeril's world famous "Show Us Your Tits" Bar & Grille. Everyone is mightily impressed with the place, but mostly with the fact that they won't have to use those crappy GE™ Monogram appliances anymore.

Hosea reveals that he plans on making a gumbo for one dish, a pecan-crusted catfish for his second and a Hurricane cocktail for his drink.

Carla tells us that she'll be preparing an oyster stew and a shrimp and andouille beignet. Carla also reveals that she doesn't drink (one figures that she fears that booze might cause her peepers to dislodge from her eye sockets and roll clear under the stove). So, her drink will be a non-alcoholic cranberry spritzer, or as it's known in the culinary world, a "Shasta."

The next surprise is that the oysters that are in the kitchen are not of the genus pre-shucked. This could pose a problem for our Carla, seeing as she shucked her first oyster a week ago.

Meanwhile, Fabio still hasn't wrapped his head around the concept of electric appliances and is mixing items in a blender by holding the appliance aloft and shaking it violently. This being "a competition," no one has the heart to point out the power button on the thing to him.

Stefan then reveals his menu, a duck and rabbit gumbo with grits along with an apple beignet. For his cocktail ... (Get it? Cocktail? Stefan funny.) ... Mr. Clean will be serving a black cherry and rum creation.

Then, Jeff tells us what he's making: a fried oyster with homemade sausage and a crawfish pot de crème with a cucumber mojito for his cocktail.

They cook. They rib Jeff for having to win to stay in. And they make the astute observation that this would have been the first Top Chef season without a fauxhawk had Fabs not gone and fucked up everything. (Still, one doubts we'd see a douchebag-free season anytime soon, either.)

Lastly, Fabio tells us that he's going to really surprise the judges by not making two dishes and a cocktail. He's making three dishes and a cocktail. (Bread does count as a dish, right?) He's making a sausage and rabbit max shoe mack chew maque choux with grits, a crawfish and crab stew with pasta, a bread and ending it all with a bell pepper martini.

Carlal wrestles with her oysters. Stefan gets all dickish about the fact both he and Hosea are making gumbo. And while Hosea works on his roux (as in, "Roux McClanahan"), Stefan goes out into the alley to feed his filthy, disgusting habit. (And he goes out to smoke, too.)

Jeff sees this and notes that The Translucent Eyebrow Man is slacking off, using prepared sausage while Jeff is working hard to make his own. When he returns from polluting Lousiana, Stefan tries to deflect the criticism by making dick jokes using his Kielbasa as a prop.

Carrot Top's got nothin' on this one.

Tom arrives for his mid-show freakout. He makes a face when Fabs tells him how he's planning on mixing Italian and Creole flavors. Jeff tells Tom he's working hard, not hardly working. Stefan wonders why everyone is so worked up. Tom makes a panicked face at Hosea's roux (as in, "You'll roux the day you messed with the Hose', Stefan!"). And Carla's still having trouble opening up her oysters.

Scramble! Pack! And Carla's going to McGruber it!

The gang arrives at the event venue and Carla's still not done shucking her oysters. Fabio isn't trusting anyone else to mix his drink. And Stefan goes out to make himself and the world around him just that much more toxic.

The masked denizens of the dining hall arrive. We have Padma, looking a tad like Dominatrix Barbie Goes To The Ball; Tom, looking like Lex Luthor-Goes-As-Robin-For-Halloween; Emeril, dressed as Bird Man of the Marvel Universe; and ... Gail!!! Gaaaaaail!!! At last, our long quippy nightmare is over!! All hail the boobies!

In the final moments before the diners arrive, Jeff asks Carla for extra cream, Hosea asks Carla for an extra whisk, and Carla manages to keep from hurling oyster shells right at their plump noggins. Properly chagrined, Stefan take a break from his 23rd cancer break and agrees to help Carla finish shucking those damn oysters.

The masked revelers show up and start to chow down. I think I overhear one tell a joke that starts, "A snake, a cactus and a kangaroo walk into a bar ..."

The judges start out at Jeff's station. Jeff proves he doesn't know how to pronounce the word "chipotle." Emeril proves to be the sweetest guest judge ever. And everyone seems to love all of the offerings from Jeff At 15.

Stefan the Entitled is next. The judges and the diners seem to like his dishes, but are more restrained in their praise. The primary complaint is that his roux (as in, "Roux 222") is not dark enough.

Then it's time for Zee Fabio. Fabio's food is called "nice," but it's considered to be lacking in "heat."

Before the judges get to Carla's table, we see that a few episodes have already aired when this was filmed, since everyone in the hall is all about doing the "hootie hoo" call-and-response with Carla & Her Spirit Guides. When the judges get to sample her goods, they don't say much directly to her. But once they taste her dishes, the judges are unanimously wowed by her truly New Orleans-inspired offerings.

Last up, is Hosea. After he presents his dishes to the judges, he actually winks at Gail. (That must be the wicked charm that knocked the knickers of Leah earlier.) The New Orleans crowd and Emeril love his dishes, but are particularly effusive about his gumbo.

The diners gush over the chefs and grace them each with strands of tit-less bread. They clean their stations and discuss the night's events. Stefan and Hosea go back to comparing dick sizes. And Stefan has to say he tasted Hosea's and wasn't impressed. (His gumbo, that is.)

Judges' Table

All five are called before the judges. And since Toby's not there now, the chefs are all eager to hear what the panel has to say this time.

Jeff is the first to face the inquisition. The judges say that Jeff's cocktail was their favorite. Jeff slyly references the fact that (unlike Stefan) he made his own sausage.

Fabio is next. The criticism is that his smack shoo mock shoe Cajun stew lacked enough "heat." Discussing his drink, Padma fills in for Toby in the snippy put-down department saying "the taste did not deliver what the smell promised." (And I'm starting to see why darling Pads' is being so roundly slammed by the chefs in interviews this week.) Fabio tries to dig himself out of the hole by saying the drink could have been more "zweet," since he like-a da "zweet."

The judges say the drink was quite sweet enough already. (And so's the hunky chef. But we digress.)

Then it's Stefan's turn. Emeril praises him for his audacious choice of mixing grits and gumbo. Stefan turns the praise into another chance to ask them to just hurry up and crown him the winner already. This does not go over well. So, the critique gets a bit more pointed. Seemingly shaken by the less-than-glowing adoration, Mr. Finnster quickly goes from a posture of, "Just crown me, already" to one of, "Feh, who wants your lousy trophy anyway?"

That does not go over well, either.

Carla's the next to be questioned. Continuing our poker face theme, Tom flatly asks Carla what she thought of her dishes. Carla, ever the self-critical one, starts to say she thought she could have made one element better. Before she can bury herself, though, Tom stops her and says that everyone loved all her offerings. She wisely stuffs a sock in her yapper and takes the praise with poise and grace.

Lastly, they turn to Hosea. Hosea is apologetic over his drinks being watery. But, ever the sweetheart, Emeril is all forgiveness. (Honestly, I never much cared for the man, but after tonight, I could be an Emeril fan.) Emeril is the Anti-Toby.

All the judges agree that Hosea made the best of the three gumbos of the night. And Gail says it provided "that 'tang that I was really excited to get at the end of the night." (Gail! I didn't know you swing that way!)

The chefs are sent away for the judges' deliberations. Emeril discusses each chefs "idears" as they recap everything we already knew, that Carla, Hosea and Jeff had the best offerings of the night ... and that Stefan is a douche, or, as they put it, has a "laissez-faire" atttude ... and is a douche.

The chefs are called back in.

Once they're back in, Emeril announces the winner ... Carla! Hootie hoo!!! Look for Carla's K Car on the streets of D.C. soon!

Which also means ... Jeff's hitting the bricks again.

Still, despite his repeat departure, this time the shaggy chef is more comfortable with his axing this time since it wasn't as besotted with bullshit as it was last time.

Hosea, having made some great dishes is then told he'll be joining Carla in the finale and is sent off.

Which means that this is the end of Team Eurotrash. Which of the two, Stefan or Fabio, will be going home?

"Fabio, please pack your knives and go."

Noooooooooooo! Inhale. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Grumble, grumble, grumble. As the Flying Spaghetti Monster is my witness, I'll never eat herring again!

Look for Fabio's Restaurant Makeover coming on Bravo this fall.

Next time on Top Chef: The final three have to cook the best three-course meal of their lives. Hosea informs us that "this is a competition." Hosea showcases his education at Mrs. Haversham's Finishing School for Celebrity Chefs by shooting Stefan the bird on camera. We are promised three surprise "helper" guests. And one person will be crowned Top Chef!