Top Chef New York: Finale, Pt. 2 (Or, Does It Even Matter?)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: Finale, Pt. 2 (Or, Does It Even Matter?)
February 25, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: Now in New Orleans, the final four were startled to learn that one of the previous three ejected contestants would get a chance to compete for the prize. Jeff earned the spot, but would have to win the elimination challenge to make it to the finale. The gang had to cater a meal for a Mardi Gras krewe and all did well. But Carla did best (and won a car). So Jeff was out ... and Fabio followed him out the door.

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Honestly. You know how this ended. I know how this ended. Mrs. O'Leary's cow knows how this ended. And while I can't speak for the cow, I know I'm bothered and chances are you're bothered too.

So, there isn't a whole lot of motivation to do this. Plus all the drama around this has taken place after the fact and most of that has to do with what wasn't seen. So here's what we've got.

New Orleans. The three finalists, Chef Stefan (schmuckface), Chef Hosea (suckface) and Chef Carla (eyeswithoutaface) board a riverboat to eat and reflect on the impending finale.

Later, they gather someplace important where Padma and Tom tell them that their final challenge will be to make the greatest three-course meal of their lives. Stefan finds this kind of freedom strangely limiting.

But for "help," the three will each get an assist from ... who exactly?  It can't be previously ejected contestants, since that "surprise" was as spoiled as Carla's ... (hold up, we're getting ahead of ourselves). So who is it? Why, it's the last three second place finishers from the last three seasons, Chef Marcel O'Thefoam, Chef Casey Cursey and Chef "Richard" Crocington.

Knife block! They draw knives for sous chef-picking order.

The Hose picks first and, thinking Marcel is too much like his nemesis, Stefan, picks the un-Croc'ed Richard. Stefan picks the equally douchey Marcel. And Carla's enthused to have the assistance of fan favorite Casey.

We get a sequence where the Hosea/Stefan dick-measuring contest continues and Stefan grouses about Hosea's taking all the fois gras. It's nothing we haven't seen for 32 weeks running already.

In the midst of it all, Tom pops in with a "twist." The chefs react with their contractually obligated surprise. It seems they will also have to make an hors d'oeuvre with one of three ingredients: redfish, crab or alligator.

And to determine who gets which ingredient, the chefs have to eat their way out of a large snack cake. The first one to bite into a metal baby figurine hidden therein (and to loose a tooth in the process) will get the privilege of doling out the ingredients.

Hosea uses his magical gap-tooth skills to munch his way to golden baby victory and takes the redfish for himself. He assigns the crab to Darling Carla. And, predictably, he saddles Stefan with the alligator. (He also proves he's a really classy guy by delivering the news with a giant "fuck you" and accompanying one-finger salute, albeit for the cameras in interview footage.)

Stefan, to his credit, notes that he'd have done the same thing. (Though, I do wonder if he'd do it with the rude gesture.)

Carla freaks out over having to make another dish and decides to make a small salsa-ish concoction with the crab. Hosea breezes through making a redfish thingamajig on what looks like a tiny pancake. And Stefan, never having worked with alligator before, hacks off the tail and makes a soup with it.

As for the rest of the dinner, all that really matters is that Carla is seen taking a tip from Casey on how to "step up" her game by preparing her beef dish sous vide, or in a bag. It's not a method Carla has ever worked with before and Marcel finds it an odd choice. The other chefs, likewise, wonder why she'd be departing from her ususal style like this.

The chefs have been told that they are not being required to make a dessert, but Stefan thinks it would be wrong not to make one. (Plus, there's that whole "it's one of his strong suits -- along with that 'smelling like an ashtray' " thing.)

Hosea opts to make a venison dish for his final dish. And Carla wants to serve a cheese dish last. She had thought to make a tart, but it sure looks like Casey has suggested a soufflé would make for a more dramatic finish.

Before you know it, serving time has arrived. Tom, Padma and Gail are joined by a phalyx of noted chefs, last-ejected chef Fabio, a ballroom dancer with a cookbook deal and ... aaaaaaagh! I thought we were done with SimileMan, Cueball The BritQuip! Gack.

The hors d'oeuvres come out first. Hosea's redfish is a hit. Carla's crab scores. Stefan's alligator soup is lauded.

Dinner time.

Hosea's made a sashimi plate which looks good, but doesn't taste as good as it should. Carla made a red snapper which everyone just adores. And Stefan offers up a smoked salmon carpaccio.

We had seen earlier that in order to slice the fish very thin (ala carpaccio), the pan-global baldie has had to freeze it, a decison with which Marcel found confounding. The result of the fresh/frozen process is a melting, runny fish which most of the diners find nasty. (A certain quippy diner rather liked it, but he doesn't count.)

The next course brings Carla's "take" on meat and potatoes. And while everyone loves her sauce, it's agreed that the meat is tough. And a sous vide is the last preparation they would have expected from the "food with heart" chef.

Hosea serves up a scallop dish with that fois gras that Stefan so wanted and a foam which must have been made just to taunt Marcel. Everyone seems to love it, though the restaurant-deficient ballroom dancer feels fois gras is soooo overdone. The other diners point at him and laugh.

Stefan's dish is a pigeon with schadenfreude. Everyone raves that this is the greatest fresh-from-the-ledge fowl they have had in ages.

Then, it's time for the last course. And, for Carla, everything goes right off the rails.

America's favorite Fraggle Rock character is distraught. It seems she forgot to lower the temperature on the oven housing her soufflés. And they've curdled.

So, with two minutes before service, she decides the soufflé must be left off the now-sparse plate.

Presenting her dish to the judges, she explains what happened. What's left, an apple tartlet coin, isn't much. The judges are kind and appreciate the explanation, not that it will save her bacon.

Stefan's dessert seems to be an amalgam of seven different desserts. The judges are clearly not impressed and think it couldn't be more "1982" if it stood up on the table and warbled "Ebony And Ivory."

Hosea's last dish is the venison plate and it is considered the best of the three by a mile.

Once dinner is over, the chefs retreat to the Stewed Room Of Twain Cobalt Toile where emotions are running high.

They are called before Judges' Table for the final inquisition. And while the questioning goes pretty much as we expected, as it's nearing its conclusion, Carla makes an earnest declaration. She starts to break down and Stefan breaks character. He comforts her as a single tear runs down her face, Iron Eyes Cody-style.

The judges deliberate. And in less time than it takes to consume an amuse bouche, they agree Carla ain't winnin' this thing.

Cue the viewer poll graphic: 67% of responders think Carla deserves to win.

So, it's down to a choice between douche and douchier. And I really can't say I give a shit at this point. (Don't give me that look. If I cared about the food, I'd know how to do more than boil water and pour cereal.)

Did Stefan deserve credit for making a dessert? When a dessert wasn't required? When his dessert made everyone wanna wear Members Only jackets and dance around to "Tainted Love"?

But wasn't Stefan's urban game hen just smashing, though?

"Congratulations ... Hosea. You are Top Chef."

Wow. I haven't been this thrilled since Ilan won Season Two.

Next Time on Top Chef: Reunion! Will Fabio and Stefan finally consummate their relationship before the cameras? Will Casey come screaming from backstage and throw a spatula at Carla's noggin'? Will Padma down a whole bag of Carls, Jr. burgers to prove she actually eats that rot? Will Tom go into a siezure from all the aspartame in the Diet Coke he's been drinking? And is there a chance in the universe that we'll be spared an exhaustive blow-by-blow on HoLeah-gate? Tune in Wednesday on Bravo to find out. ... Or we'll make you watch Make Me A Supermodel.

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