Top Chef New York: The Last Supper (Or, Padma And Her Apostles Of Cookery)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: The Last Supper (Or, Padma And Her Apostles Of Cookery)
February 11, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: Stefan pounded a nail through an eel's head. Things got fishier from there when Stefan won the elimination challenge over Carla. Jamie and Leah each messed up their fish dishes, but in the end it was Jamie who was de-knifed leaving us all just a little less ... inky.

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The morning after Jamie's departure, Chef Stefan ("St. Stefan, Patron Saint of Albino Fry-Cooks") is outside feeding his filthy habit alongside Chef Fabio ("St. Fabio, Patron Saint of Grandmamas and Alka-Seltzer Pitchmen") and Chef Hosea ("St. Hosea, Patron Saint of Cuckolders and Amish Buggy Salesmen"). They all agree that Jamie needed to go (since she could have probably beaten them all in the end).

Meanwhile, Chef Leah ("St. Leah, Patron Saint of Dull Surprise") busies herself with making the beds, making the breakfast and covering up the logos of all the companies who didn't pony up the funds to sponsor this clam bake. She provides the first funny of the day when she says cooking is the first thing she's done really well. And as they wait to leave for the day, we see that Chef Carla ("St. Carla, Patron Saint of Dy-No-Mite!") is acting extra goofy, even saying at one point that she used to be a model.

It's then that we see why she's acting this way: Fabio seems to have snatched off and is playing with the antennae she uses to communicate with her spirit guides. This has left her dangerously ungrounded.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive in the basement logo showroom where they are greeted by Padma and noted hair model Wylie Dufresne. He is the owner of the STP-themed restaurant, WD-40, and a famed "molecular gastronomist." He is seemingly not the owner of a pair of clippers.

(Seriously, if you have that much chest hair, either trim it or show it off proudly, Magnum P.I. style. When it pokes out from under your t-shirt like that, it makes me wanna molecularize all over your gastronomy.)

And since Wylie is obsessed with eggs, the chefs will have to "surprise and delight" Wylie with something edgy and eggy for him. (Secret side note to all current and former Apple retail employees: Did you think Padma's use of that particular phrase was intentional? Discuss.)

The winner of the challenge will get a "serious" advantage in the elimination challenge. Go!

Fabio says he really wants to win this because the "sticks" are high. He channels departed Chef Jeff and decides to make a trio of eggish things using the mol-gast ethic of changing the nature of things with chemicals and such. Sounds marvelously artificial!

Hosea's plan is to take eggs and turn them into something they are not. In his case, he's doing several things, including a sushi roll using egg whites instead of seaweed.

Flat-Affect Sally says she needs to win this. Stefan previews his duo of egg/not-egg hoo ha. And Carla ... Well, Carla's just not down with the whole fake food idea. So she decides to go for whimsy and makes some Seussical green eggs and ham. Without the ham.

Everyone runs around like crazy while Carla concentrates on talking to her eggs in a calm and steady voice.

Time!

Truckstop stylee Wylie and Padma taste the dishes.

Stefan's two-way sweet and savory eggs and "eggs" thing is "clever." Leah's "I'm bored" egg thing is ruled "nice."

Carla's ham-less green-eggs-and-ham is ... very green. Hosea's trio of Japanese dinner items ala Egghead is OK. And Fabio, who is "not big in breakfas'," has a trio of non-breakfast-y eggs and "eggs." One item, a lichee soup served in an egg shell, isn't so much a dessert as a "dessert."

It's all very "confusing." And "pretentious."

In the final assessment, Wylie of the Trailer-Park 'Do didn't think Fabio did too well, leaving the spicy Italian "pissed." He wasn't terribly impressed with HoLeah either.

But since only one person focused on one item and did it well, Carla wins. Yea, Carla!

Elimination Challenge

Knife block! The chefs pull knives and on each knife (does Bravo keep someone employed simply for sticking vinyl stenciled letters on knives?) is the name of some grand poobah of the culinary world. The matchups are ...

• Fabio: Lidia Bastianich. Fabs is crazy mad for her, since she's the Italian cooking goddess, it seems.

• Hosea: Susan Ungaro, some grand diva of cooking competitions. Bow down.

• Stefan: Marcus Samuelsson. Needs no introduction, so he doesn't get one. So I'll just assume he's the lead singer of Fine Young Cannibals.
  

• Leah: Wylie Dufresne, since one can't get enough of eggs and chest hair in one day.

• Carla: Jaques Pépin, lord master of all that is cookery.

(There's an anecdote hidden in here about overweening fame in one field often meaning nothing outside it. But I'd guess that, from my tone, you can tell I have no idea who these people are. Of course, throw me a faded pop star from 1966 and I'm all over that.)

And what ever will the chefs be cooking? Well, they've asked each of the Culinary Apostles what he or she would want to eat for his or her last meal. And each contestant will have to make this meal for their assigned Disciple of Padma.

The meals will be ...

• For Jaques Pépin, Carla will be making roast pigeon peas. Or is that roasted pigeon with peas? Or squab with peas? No matter, as she's vibrating over the concept.

• For Susan Ungaro, Hosea will be making shrimp scampi with tomatoes provençal.

• For Marcus Samuelsson, Stefan will be charged with Eurotrashing roasted salmon and spinach.

• For Lidia Bastianich, Fabio will be making roast chicken with roasted potatoes and a "leafy" salad (as opposed to a Libby's™ fruit cup).

• And for Wylie Carny-Hair, Leah will be making Eggs Benedict.

Carla's "advantage" is that she gets to swap dishes with someone else if she would like; she doesn't.

The chefs will get two hours to cook before being magically transported to the dining hall at Santa Maria delle Grazie in Milan where they will be serving their meals.

After Stefan regales us with some commentary comparing being eliminated at this stage (right before the finale) to licking feces off a thin piece of wood, they all head off to shop? No, we actually get to go to Perilla, the SoHo restaurant of season one winner Harold. (It's really good. Go there.)

There, the five compare notes with the paunchified/paunchifying first winner about the competitions. Leah repeats her catchphrase, "I didn't know it was gonna be this hard," and all the men in the room nod in recognition.

Once that plug is over, it's the next day and they all race off to Publix™ for supplies. Carla is lucky enough to find pigeon at the meat counter and peas (out of season, I presume). Thus, we are spared the sight of Crazy-Eyes with a butterfly net catching her prey off ledges in midtown. (Damn.)

While everyone shops, Stefan decides to employ the strategy of personally douching up the joint as a means of sabotaging his competition. But it doesn't seem to be working.

"Hosea'sabeenaroundlokenough," he says. "Youcanchopmylegsoffandmyarmsoffandyoustillruncircleundathadude. Idon'tthinhehasdaballsferbeinachef."

Then, it's off to cook. Carla focuses on her simple plate. While Leah starts work on her egg plate.

And since what she says doesn't bring the necessary funny in English, we provide for you the Spanish translation for sexual double entendre purposes.

"Me encantan los huevos," dice la chica floja, "pues como los huevos a cualquier hora del dia."

She also says something about "sucking ass" last time out.

Moving on ...

Stefan gets all cocky about his cooking skills. And Hosea tells us he's Hoseifying or as he puts it, adding his "thing" to the shrimp scampi. Since he hasn't been able to add his "thing" to Leah for a couple of weeks, it's been building up.

"I'm not sure if they're gonna love that part or not be so down with that," he says.

Oh, I can taste the foreshadowing already!

Then, tragedy strikes. Crash! It seems that Fabio has somehow bent back and broke his pinkie finger and is in need of immediate medical attention. But when the medic asks if he wants to go to the hospital, Fabio offers his best Fabism to date.

"Hospital?" he sneers. "I'll chop it off, an' sear it on the flat-top so it doesn't bleedanmore. An' tomorrow, I deal with nine finger."

Still, despite his Rocky-esque ethic, Fabs struggles to cook one-handed. Also, for some reason, he invokes the name of pop siren Madonna when he curses. (Hmm. Must be a Kabbalah thing.)

Over in CzechFinnCaliforniPrussiaAustria-HungaryLandOfOz, Stefan decides that rather than make spinach one way, he'll make it two ways. And the pungent aroma of foreshadowing doom fills the air.

As they near completion, each of the chefs discusses his or her own wishes for a last meal. Strangely, Fabio would not want his prepared by cheftestants, but would rather stick his dead grandma in front of a stovetop and have her start cooking again.

I don't really see how that would work.

Tom pops into the kitchen to ask that the chefs not embarrass him in front of the Apostles Of Cuisine. When they say they won't, Tom thinks that's "awesome."

With that, just as it was revealed in the The DaVinci Code,  the Apostles show up to to take their seats for their Last Supper. (The guillotines are tastefully kept just out of camera range. Those are for dessert.)

First up is Leah and her Eggs Benedict. She thinks her hollandaise sauce is a bit too thick and, at the last minute, she thins it out some. She serves.

The Apostles dig into her dish, hampered only by the luminescent glow of their halos. They seem to enjoy the dish, but find the sauce too runny and lacking in texture.

Next is Stefan and his Cocky Salmon. He serves and attempts to ingratiate himself to the "She Drives Me Crazy" singer by recognizing that he grew up in Scandinavia. But it doesn't help. Everyone agrees the salmon is overcooked and no one can tell that there are indeed two different preparations of spinach on the plate.

Then, it's Hosea's turn to show everyone his shrimp. It doesn't impress. (Perhaps that's why he and Leah haven't been "flirting" for three episodes.) Apostle Lidia doesn't seem particularly impressed with the Hosea "thing" he added to his dish, insisting she doesn't like cream in her food.

Fourth up is Fabio and his Italo-Magnifico Chicken. He's still having trouble working one-handed, but is finding a way to butcher his chicken with a "clever."

He serves. They all totally worship the chicken and toast to Lidia's last moments on earth. But there's one sticking point: Fabio's salad, which Wylie Of The Renaissance Faire compares to a salad you'd get on an airplane. (Um, do they have salads in those air-packed peanut bags? I forget.)

Still, he thinks the chicken is "awesome," adding, "absolutely awesome."

And lastly, it's time for Carla's fresh-from-crapping-on-my-car Pigeon-N-Peas. She's a bit concerned about the temperature of her bird and that it's now not as rare as she'd like it to be. Still, she must serve.

Everyone goes crazy nuts for the peas, which no one imagined she'd be able to find at this time of the year (When? February? August? I lose track.) As for the bird, some think it's not rare enough, while others think it's perfect. In the end Tom (conveniently placing himself on the "younger" side of things) chalks up the difference to a generational taste as to how squab should be prepared.

Yet, Jacques is happy to go to his beheading after the meal. And that's all that matters.

The chefestants are called back out, Tom rises and says, "Tonight, one of you will betray me!" (Or maybe I'm remembering this wrong.)

The cheftestants leave, the Apostles make a final toast and, in a surprise twist, the room starts to fill with a poison gas.

Judges' Table

In the Stewed Room, the chefs rib each other and Fabio quips, "It's Top Chef, not Top Pussy." Leah shoots him a look that either means, a.) "It's not?", or, b.) "Shh, that's our little secret." A second later, they kiss and make up.

A pair of raisins modesly draped in red fabric appears in the room. The voice from about a foot higher them calls all the chefs to face the judges.

Gong!

It seems the judges have survived their attempted mass slaughter and are ready to rule.

Apostle Jacques says he likes Leah's eggs, but they could have used two or three more minutes of "cocaine." (Oh those Frenchmen!)

The Apostles (and that annoying British twit) all agree that Stefan's fish was overcooked and the spinach was a mess. And Hosea's shrimp, again, didn't impress. Apostle Jacques also notes that the tomato wasn't prepared properly.

Everyone adored Fabio's clever one-handed chicken. Fabio just wanted to know if the Apostle Lidia liked it. She did.

But, his salad is deemed "airline food."

He offers to go back to the stew room and commit hara-kiri as punishment. Tom says that won't be necessary, but does point out that the airlines are always looking for chefs to whip up those lovely box lunches you can order on board for the low fee of $25.50, plus tax.

Carla volunteers that her bird was overcooked, but the Apostles renew their "generational" disagreement about the proper cooking of urban wildlife.

The chefs head back to the stewed room to rehash the critiques. Hosea takes this moment to again bring up the subject of fecal matter on a thin piece of wood. Yum.

Discuss. Discuss. Discuss.

And we're back.

The winner of the challange and going on to the finale is ... Fabio. (Bravo, Bravo!)

Also earning a place in the finale, Crazy-Eyes Carla! (Hootie Hoo!)

They head back to the stewed room, Carla declaring this news "awesome."

This leaves the remaining three to face the final judgement.

Blah, blah, blah ... Leah's out.

And there is rejoicing across the land.

"Peace out, bitches!"

Yes, "peace out, bitches," indeed.

Next time on Top Chef: The finale begins. New Orleans! Emeril Lagasse! Masks! And Fabio with a lesbian fauxhawk?!