Top Chef New York: Super Bowl Chef Showdown (Or, We're Just Here To Do The Super Bowl Shuffle)

Top Chef: New York
Episode: Super Bowl Chef Showdown (Or, We're Just Here To Do The Super Bowl Shuffle)
January 28, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs got to compete in the long-awaited Restaurant Wars challenge. Hosea and Leah "flirted" to the point the shared couch needed a serious disinfection. Radhika led a team which served great food, but was dragged down by her poor service and Carla's runny desserts. Fabio's extra-sexy service and Stefan's desserts helped their team prevail, despite Hosea's and Leah's crappy food. Stefan's head grew three sizes larger with another win. And Radhika was told to pack her curries and go.

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The chefs wake to find themselves still surrounded by corporate logos, which overnight have been tattooed onto their foreheads. After reviewing their contracts, they each decide to carry on anyways.

Reflecting on the previous challenge, Chef Leah (aka "Chef Dull Surprise") tries to sell us on the premise that the other night she and Chef Hosea (aka "Chef How'd My Tongue End Up In Your Trachea?") just had too much too drink, only shared one kiss ... and both know exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Chef Carla (aka "Chef Uri Geller") feels she dodged a bullet in not getting eliminated in the last round. And over the breakfast table, Leah and Hosea discuss the finer points of scatological put-downs with Chef Stefan (aka "Chef Nicotine") and Chef Fabio (aka "Chef Faaaaabio").

Also, for those of you playing the home game, if you chose "Episode Ten," "Minute 2" and "Hosea" for our first "there's no room for error," come on down and collect your prize!

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive downstairs in the "Your Ad Here!" Kitchen, where they are greeted by Padma and this week's guest judge, the just-too-damn-sexy-for-words chef Scott Conant. Padma reveals that the corporate overlords at NBC had a big meeting about synergy.

The suits figured that since the parent network is airing the Superbowl in late January, and we're promoting the fantasy that this is all happening live, and we have to pay homage to another of our beloved sponsors, and there's no better pairing than football and a women-and-gay-men-centric cable network devoted to foodies, fashion and style, the producers have to to mash up all these ideas to create a challenge for Top Chef.

Reveal "Football Squares, Top Chef style!" ... Now wipe that puzzled look off your face.

It's a chalkboard, divided into squares, with the column and row headings all covered by black tape. The chefs will each write their name in a square from a different row and column. Then, Padma will reveal which corresponding food group (left column) and "secret ingredient" (top row) they will each have to use in their dish.

As they write their names down, Padma reveals the food groups, but not the "secret ingredients."

• Chef Jamie (aka "Chef Inky") gets Fruits, since she's the last remaining member of Team Rainbow.

• Leah gets Seafood, since everyone here can come up with their own joke on that one.

• Fabio gets Vegetables, since he's a meat-eater and we love to see people struggle.

• Stefan gets Dairy, since he's hot for anything that produces milk.

• Hosea gets Meat, since he's a tubesteak.

• Carla is nuts.

• Chef Jeff (aka "Chef Winky") gets poultry, since he most resembles chicken.

And then Padma reveals which "key ingredient" they each will be using. And, wonder of wonders, they all get the same one! Yes, they will have to prepare a dish incorporating the music of '70s/'80s soft rock icons Hall & Oates!

Go!

The chefs rush past a hastily prepared store display for a bunch of Hall & Oates products they will not be using and get to work. Jamie decides to avoid the obvious fruit/oats combo and go for something savory instead. Hosea goes for wiener schnitzel. And Jeff works out his frustrations by pounding the hell out of a chicken with a frying pan.

Carla says this is because Jeff has trouble reining in his monkeys. (These must be the monkeys whose asses Fabio is always considering cooking up.)

Stefan says he's doing a fancy dessert while Leah is her usual mess, once again wrestling with her boning technique. Hosea reminds us the she wasn't good at boning last week either.

Since Carla is the number one Hall & Oates fan, she knows that hers will need to be cooked like pasta to achieve the best tasting dish. Meanwhile, Poor Fabio has some cockamamie idea about coating eggplant in oats.

AND THEN ...

And then, Cliffie got fed up with the cold weather in Columbus, threw up his hands and went to Hawaii to learn to surf. ... Hence, the following abbreviated remainder. As Kathy Griffin would say, "Suck on it." ... With love.

Fabio lost. And Stefan won. He got even more cocky, if that's even possible.

Then came time for the Elimination Challenge. The chefs put on jerseys. Leah didn't know that the "5" on them indicated this is the fifth season.

They emerged to see that they were to play against a team of all-stars from previous seasons (and someone named Camille).

I wet myself seeing Andrew return.

Each Season Five chef was put head-to-head against an all-star using food suggestive of a city/NFL team.

Stefan picked Organica Annie (yes, her name isn't "Annie," I'm just too zoned on Mai Tais to remember it now) from Season One, figuring she'd be the easiest one to beat. He was wrong. His cock got that much smaller. If that's possible.

Jamie beat someone. Jeff lost to someone narrowly. Hosea and Leah beat their competition.

And there was some chick named Camille in there somewhere.

Fabio got stuck with Wisconsin food (for the Green Bay Packers™) and, after overcooking venison, was tagged for elimination along with Jeff and Stefan.

Oh, and Wackadoodle Carla beat out my Andrew. And as much as I love me some Andrew, I was really happy for her.

In the end, the Season Five cheftestants beat out the cheftestants of seasons past. As punishment, the old cheftestants were wrapped in Gladware and sent back to their respective restaurants with nary a trace of freezer burn.

At Judges' Table, Carla was awarded the grand prize which, along with bragging rights, included two tickets to the SuperBowl (which I missed due to my aforementioned "I'm gonna surf, damnit" moment).

Facing elimination, Jeff, Fabio and Stefan made things really hard for the judges, since they've generally been three of the best chefs this season.

Would they punish Fabio for the overcooked venison and send the ratings through the floor by 86ing probably the most entertaining chef ever?

Would they do what they say they do all the time, that is judge the chefs only by their last dish and not their previous performances and get rid of overarching favorite Stefan?

Or would they get rid of cute-but-unfocused Jeff, despite his only narrowly being beat by his all-star competition, Chef Josie and her warm ceviche?

You had to ask?

Jeff, we hardly knew ye. ... And it wasn't just because of any alleged lack of personality. Was it?

Next time on Top Chef: Cliff returns to Columbus and cries as he looks wistfully at images of himself catching a wave as the ice piles up on top of the hybrid.