Top Chef Masters: Dropping Names And Drooping Eyelids

Top Chef Masters
Episode: Dropping Names And Drooping Eyelids
July 22, 2009


Previously on Top Chef Masters: After a moment of Bravo cross-promotion, hunky daddy chef Michael Chiarello narrowly beat out the Swedish Chef, a pretty up-and-comer and the designated dark-smock-wearer to win the the a spot in the finals.

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It’s the final round of the semi-finals to see which Master Chef can make the best food and the worst TV.   Competing this week are ...

• Jonathan Waxman: This week’s obligatory “old vet with something to prove.” Master chef from New York. Trained other master chefs. Will constantly remind everyone how old he is and misjudge how young they are. And, seeing as he’s nearly blind (his words, not mine), will need someone to read this to him. Playing for Meals on Wheels.

• Roy Yamaguchi: This episode’s ethnic flavor. Hawaiian Master chef. Invented Hawaiian fusion. Owner of Roy’s, which, it seems, has 856 locations. Since he spends all his time running from one to another, hasn’t had the time to set foot in a grocery store in 30 years. Playing for a local family services group.

• Art Smith: (I’ll put this out there right now. I have a visceral, chemical reaction to this man. And it’s not a good one. If this bothers you, run away now.) Oprah’s chef. Noted name dropper and huge priss, in personality and size. Owns restaurants in Chicago and Washington. Knows everyone and cries each time the wind changes direction. Noted humanitarian. Playing for his kids charity which teaches underprivileged to cook.

• Michael Cimarusti: This episode’s “youngster chef with something to prove.” Los Angeles Master chef. Specializes in seafood. When he got started, worked with lots of people with long, French names. Playing for the Grameen Foundation, which helps women in poverty.

Enter NotPadma to introduce the ...

Quickfire Challenge

After Chef Jonathan gets a dig in about Chef Art being a fatty-fatty-two-by-four, NotPadma directs the Masters to pull knives from the knife block. Each knife has a number. She explains that this challenge will be a revival of the Top Chef “aisle challenge,” wherein each chef can only shop from one aisle  in the grocery store.

And they’ll only have $20 with which to shop.

Chef Art thinks this would be a good time to mention that he’s cooked for Julia Child, Mikhail Baryshnikov the King of Sweden and (he says blushing girlishly) President Barack Obama.

The Masters head off to the Kroger’s to shop.

Chef Jonathan is a bit at a loss, since his aisle is all cans, bottles and jars. He doesn’t open cans, bottles or jars. And he can’t see to read the labels.

Chef Michael is in the bakery aisle. This means he’ll be making dessert. His wife is the pastry chef in the family. He’s like his wife to do this challenge for him.

Chef Roy is in the pasta and “international foods” aisle and is bothered that soy sauce isn’t there. Somehow he’s managed to remember what grocery stores are like after 30 years.

Chef Art is in the beans and grains aisle. This tells him that he’ll be making a risotto. Because that’s a favorite of John Tra-VOLTA!

Chef Art takes a moment to call Chef Michael “chicken” (wink, wink), says he can teach him “a few things” (wink, wink) and they all head back to the Kitchen of Booby-Trapped GE™ Monogram Appliances.

Once back, NotPadma tells them that their dishes will be judged by quasi-foodies, or, more specifically, Safeway employees. (Because who better to judge a dish than the guy who collects the shopping carts and keeps them from denting your SUV?)

Chef Roy’s trying to make an Asian-style pasta, but is stuck without his soy sauce. He settles on putting a cooked egg on it and calling is an “Asian twist.”

Chef Jonathan and Chef Art can’t figure out how to work a pressure cooker and are saved by Chef Michael who knows how to work the fancy gizmo. Chef Art mentions Oprah and the president again. And ... time’s up!

Service

First up is Chef’s Roy’s pasta aisle pasta with fried egg. A few diners say the egg-and-pasta combo is “weird” and “strange.”

Next, is Chef Jonathan’s lentil salad. Someone says it has an Eastern European flavor. Someone else thinks it’s too heavy on the onion.

Third, is Chef Teddy Ruxpin’s multi-grain risotto with a crispy rice salad. The bagger likes the crunch. The check casher likes it too.

Lastly, it’s Chef Michael’s chocolate parfait with ginger. It’s a home run.

NotPadma reveals the results:

• Chef Jonathan earns ... 3 1/2 stars.

• Chef Roy earns ... 4 stars.

• Chef Art earns ... 4 1/2 stars. (He squints, wets himself and thinks of when he had a brief encounter with Princess Diana.)

• Chef Michael earns ... 5 stars.

(It sure looks like Piggly Wiggly employees are a whole lot more generous with their ratings than cross-promotional Bravolebrities.)

Elimination Challenge

Out comes the knife block again. Each Master picks one, but is instructed to keep secret what’s on it. NotPadma then reveals that the challenge this week will be to go to the Albertson’s and shop for their one, designated competitor.

Ooh, drama! Will there be cutthroat sabotage? Will one chef fill his competitor’s box with offal, pet food and laundry detergent?

As if.

Nope, they’re all professionals and friends. So, if you were looking for drama, I suggest you switch over to I Love Money 3 on VH1; there’s nothing for you here.

They head back to the Food Lion to shop. While they do so, Chef Bert Lahr weeps into his tail and regales us with tales of Will Smith, Gianni Versace and Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.

Chef Jonathan explains that the word “sabotage” in “professional chef” does not exist. ... Which seems rather elementary. I mean, the words “caffeine slosh pro” are in “professional chef,” but “sabotage,” never.

Chef Jonathan mentions that Chef Michael was once his young student and he could always see his bright eyes “checking me out,” Chef Art begs for chicken ...

And Chef Michael starts looking really nervous.

As they leave the Ralph’s, Chef Art says something about “taking up the rear” to Chef Jonathan and all of America hollers, “T.M.I.!”

Fake-Out Scene!

The four Masters head to NotPadma’s house and make a meal together. Most boring Fake-Out-Scene ever.

Fake-Out Scene over!

Back in the kitchen, the Masters get to trade boxes. Chef Captain Kangaroo is all a-twitter over what he’s getting. He’s afraid that inside this two foot by two foot square wooden box is an ibex or such which he’ll have to butcher. Again, he asks for chicken ... making Chef Michael nervous.

Instead, he gets a collection of routine ingredients. He particularly creams over the white yams, for some reason.

In fact, the box trade is sooo dull (there was nothing unusual or challenging in any of the boxes), that we’ll move on to ...

Cooking

.... which is also amazingly dull. In fact, it’s so dull, we spend about half our time discussing the Masters’ charities and backgrounds. And how Chef Jonathan is working blind. Because he’s old.

Chef Precious Precious plugs away at his chicken dish and explains that, growing up, he was taught that “food is love.” ... Uh, yeah. The man’s had too much love. In fact, I’m pretty sure I know understand Oprah better now. She is very loved.

Chef Roy has trouble cooking extemporaneously. Chef Michael doesn’t have time to sauce all his plates and, before you know it, it’s time for service.

The diners (a collection of culinary students) and the critics arrive. Judging today will be Chef Gael “Cappy” Greene, The Critic Of Sleepy Hollow and the ever-delightful Gail Simmons.

Serving first is Chef Frank Bielec. He explains his whole love = food theory to the diners. “You feed people and they will come,” he declares in his surreptitiously lewd-and-creepy way. He produces his fried chicken two ways with mango cobbler chaser and the eating commences. Gail says the food “oozes Art Smith,” which grosses me out immensely.

Next is Chef Roy. He serves his short ribs with mahi-mahi. The dish gets very mixed reviews. No one seems to think they work together, and the ribs aren’t done very well. But Hat Lady does love the fish.

Moving on.

Third is Chef Michael. He’s serving a loin of lamb with cauliflower. The whole business of some dishes being sauced and others not is what passes for drama here. We bite off what remains of our fingernails wondering if Gail will deduct points for having to sample the sauce off another diner’s plate. Beyond that, no one feels particularly strongly about the dish.

Serving last is Chef Jonathan. He serves his pork chops on a plate the size of the Great Barrier Reef. And, as a result, his sauce smears all over the plate making it look like something I’d make. (That’s not a good thing, incidentally.) He says the dish is a “retro ‘80s” meal. This, to me, means you eat it making “wocka-wocka-wocka” sounds while invading a small island nation. But the diners seem to take his meaning.

Speaking of the ‘80s, Chef Jonathan does a certain thing that folks “of a certain age” do which drives me to distraction: In talking about his coming up in the ‘80s, he says to the diners that that was probably “before some of you were born.”

Honestly. Is it that his eyesight is really that bad or does he genuinely think there are 19-year-olds at the table?

Anyway, his pork chop with truffle is a real hit. Even if it looks messy as hell.

The diners calculate their scores and the critics head off for ...

Critics Table

The apostrophe-challenged judges question the Masters about their dishes.

Chef Kenny Rogers Roasters reminds us again that food is love. And how he’s shared this love with the likes of Ricki Lake, Brigitte Nielsen and a bus-and-truck tour of Porgy & Bess.

Then, the chefs explain their choices and how no one purposely selected difficult items for his competitor.

This leads to a long back-and-forth about how the chefs are all friends and colleagues and would never stab each other in the back. How they have pet names for each other like “honey bear,” “sweet blindness,” “chicken britches” and “the Asian one.” How they’re all going to move to Vermont and get married. And how, once there, they'll set up a quaint B&B and make little chef babies out of arugula and broccoli.

The critics get all weepy over this show of camaraderie while strains of “The Wind Beneath My Wings” swell in the background. It’s a scene right out of the Jerry Lewis Telethon. All that’s missing are the telephone operators and an appearance by Mitzi Gaynor.

After the critics confer, the Masters come back in for their final scores.

Once the ratings are tabulated ...

• Chef Jonathan earns a total of ... 20 stars.

• Chef Roy earns a total of ... 15 stars. (Aloha, Roy.)

• Chef Michael earns a total of ... 17 1/2 stars. (Michael is out.)

• Chef Art earns a total of ... 22 stars. (Chef Pepperpot wins. ... Ugh.)

And ... here come the waterworks.

Sadly, there will be no finale, since the cast and crew drowned in a sea of oozing Art Smith tears. They shall be missed.

Next time on Top Chef Masters: The six winning Masters compete in the Champions Round for bragging rights. We count how many times one can say “there is no room for error.” And I suffer Chef Oprah for another week.