Top Chef Masters: Ho, Ho, Ho, It's Magic

Top Chef Masters
Episode Five: Ho, Ho, Ho, It's Magic
July 8, 2009

Previously on Top Chef Masters: Cliff went on vacation. While he was out, four masters made food from cow parts and convinced folks at Knott's Berry Farm to eat them. A French guy cursed a whole lot and was only censored when he did so in English. And one more Master moved on to the apostrophe-less Champions Round.

Welcome back to another week where four really great chefs who have incredible skills are made to do really challenging work and create a show that is both foodie and reality-y. And welcome back to another week where they succeed greatly at the former and only marginally succeed at the latter.

Competing this week in our all-star math-is-required competition are ...

• Douglas Rodriguez: Chef/proprietor of marvy establishments in Miami, Philadelphia and Scottsdale. As does everyone here, has a boatload of awards. Specializes in "tortilla-free" Latin American cuisine. (Which, being Cuban, is, well, pretty standard since Latin Caribbean food doesn't use tortillas in the first place.) Playing for a Hispanic culinary scholarship fund.
  

• Anita Lo: From New York, chef and owner of a couple noted establishments in the city. More awards. Is considered to have an edge since she "works on the line" regularly, unlike the others. (Seriously. I only know what that means from watching these shows. Don't ask me to cook anything or you could be subject to food poisoning.) This episode's super-talented-but-entirely-lacking-in-TVQ chef. Playing for a breast and ovarian cancer charity.
  

• John Besh: New Orleans master chef. Mega dreamboat. I don't care if he can cook. I don't care that he has a dozen awards. I kind of care that he fed hungry people after Hurricane Katrina. I just wanna watch him. Shoot me if that makes me shallow.
  

• Mark Peel: Los Angeles master chef. Feels really strongly about this bloody, corpse-ridden blood feud between East Coast and West Coast chefs. (In case you didn't know, this is what really did in 2Pac and Biggie.) Cute in a quirky way, but am really distracted by the icky smoker's teeth. (Well, they're awfully yellow anyway.) This episode's dash of personality. Playing for Doctor's Without Borders.

Quickfire Challenge

NotPadma arrives, again explains who the hell she is, again explains this whole "we're bringing back Quickfire Challenges from previous Top Chef seasons" and reveals that, this week, they'll have to cook a perfect egg ... with one hand behind their back. To judge the challenge will be the boobalicious Gail Simmons, since she sobs uncontrollably at the mere sight of a less than perfect egg, the world's most famous chicken rancher and the owner of a famed diner.

The chefs grab their single Arby's™ oven-mitts, place them on their non-cooking hand and start cooking. Chef Douglas is going for an arepa. Chef Mark is making egg noodles (which is really challenging with one mitt). Chef Anita is creating a small egg dish, served inside a hollow egg shell. And Chef John is making a slow-cooked (baked?) egg, which is something he says he does every day.

What we didn't know is that Chef Mark's father was born with one arm and the chef's been studying his every move just for this very occasion.

We get lots of cuts shots of people dropping things, and otherwise working hard to overcome the handicap when Chef John falls victim to the dreaded Curse of the GE™ Monogram. He foolishly trusts that the oven will actually work and, too late, he discovers that it didn't. At all. He grabs one dish, sticks it on a burner and hopes for a miracle.

Time is called and Chef Mark is also mad that he wasn't able to do what he wanted done, being forced to present one dish without even wiping off the messy plate.

First up is Chef Douglas' arepa with scrambled egg. The critics like it.

Next is Chef Mark's egg noodles dish. They like it, are impressed at the one-handed pasta making, but think it's under-seasoned. Chef Mark then realizes he left off the olive oil and kicks himself.

Third is Chef Anita's soft scrambled egg with shitaake mushrooms. It's stellar.

Lastly is Chef John's sad little egg. The critics have to share the one dish and it's more than enough. We fully expect Gail to fall to the ground in a weeping fit over the raw-yet-burnt ovum.

Time to deliver the scores to the Masters. (Scores are out of five possible stars. Which will be added to the 20 possible stars in the elimination. Which will be divided by the square root of the imaginary unit and tabulated by the accounting team of Ernst & Young.)

• Chef Mark's dish earns ... 3 1/2 stars.

• Chef John's abortion earns ... 1/2 star. (The poor thing is grateful to have gotten that much.)

• Chef Douglas' dish earns ... 3 stars.

• Chef Anita's dish earns ... the maximum 5 stars!

OK, do they really have to do the elimination challenge now? I mean, is there a chance in hell Anita is going to screw up sooo badly that she could lose this thing and John could impress soooo wildly as to overtake her?

Well, I guess we do, since it's on to ...

Elimination Challenge

NotPadma explains that the Masters will be cooking for Gay Posterboy Of The Millenium, HYMYM (pronounced "HIM-yim") star Neil Patrick Harris and his posse of magician friends. (Read: His adorable beau and two noted magicians.)

She then introduces to the kitchen creepmaster extraordinaire, noted magician and star of VH-1's Celebracadabra (yes, I was the person who watched that mess), Max "I'll Haunt You In Your Nightmares" Maven.

Magic Max explains that there are four elements to any successful magic act, Surprise, Illusion, Spectable and Mystery. He produces a pack of magic cards, has the Masters pick one and, voila, they have been each assigned a word which will serve as the inspiration for their respective dishes.
 
They are ...

• Mystery: Chef Mark

• Spectacle: Chef Douglas

• Illusion: Chef Anita

• Unbelievable Surprise If He Pulls This Off: Chef John

The Masters head off to the Winn-Dixie to collect their goods. Here, we  learn that, using the word "mystery," Chef Mark is making a fish en papillote, or in a paper bag. Chef John is excited about using nitrous oxide (or liquid nitrogen, I get confused). Chef Douglas mutters something about the '60s rock band Canned Heat. And Chef Anita is the proposed target of a salt shaker-wielding saboteur Chef Mark. (It's that East Coast/West Coast, Cribs/Bloods thing again, you know.)

Once they get back to the kitchen we're treated to glorious photos of Chef John as a marine in full military gear ... and I get a new screen saver. (Thank you, Bravo.)

Otherwise, nothing of any note happens in the kitchen. So, in lieu of drama, we get more biographical footage of the chefs. Until ...

Tom-Around!

No, he's not a critic. And he's rather miffed that he won't get to eat the food. But he does go around and have the chefs explain what they're doing. It's not the slightest bit entertaining, but it is pleasant to see him chatting with his colleagues.

Tom-Around over!

Here is where we discover what is Chef Douglas' big secret. With "spectacle" as his word, he's setting fire to the coconut shells which will house one of his duck preparations. But since he can't find the high-octane (?) liquor which would be used for this kind of thing, he's smearing the shells, by hand, with pink Sterno™. It is not a pretty sight.

The Masters head off to the location of the challenge, Los Angeles' famed Magic Castle. (As before, see entry: Celebracadabra. Also: Wilson, Carnie.) They mutter the magic password, "Abra-abra-cadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya," and the bookcase opens to allow them entry.

They make it to the kitchen, where Chef John is pleased to find that, magically, these ovens work. He pulls out of his hat his wondernitrogen tank, which Chef Anita finds "awesome."

Chef Mark is ready five minutes before service and is nervous that his dish will continue to cook while he waits.

The guests arrive. The magicians and NPH (and his dear darlin') are joined by NotPadma; president of the Susquehanna Hat Company, critic Gael Greene; Petticoat Junction's Homer Bedloe; and our darling Gail Simmons. They all sit around the narrowest table in the universe and food is served.

First is Chef Mark's dish, which was inspired by VH1's The Pickup Artist, Mystery. It's a Thai snapper served en papillote. It's a surprise. And folks like it.

Next, is Chef John's dish, which is inspired by the word "surprise." The offering is a trio of seafood The wow factor is provided by a table-side preparation of an ultra-cold horseradish using liquid nitrogen, a pair of thermal gloves and a frozen-fingered Neil Patrick Harris. The whole thing causes brain freeze. (Something your gentle blogger has never experienced, by the way. I think it's a genetic mutation.)

Third, is Chef Anita's "illusion" inspired dish. Since I'm really culinarily challenged, I'm at a loss here. What I gather is that she's made what appears to be a scallop on a plate of sand, but is actually a bed of crackling rice crispies atop which sits a steak tartare hidden inside a  braised daikon somethingerother. It looks cool, even if the "scallop" "bleeds" when you cut into it. It's a hit.

Lastly comes Chef Douglas and his "spectacle" of four duck preparations avec flaming coconut shell. The diners make quick calls to the Magic Castle's insurance carrier and dig in. Still, some are rightfully afraid that they'll go up faster than Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial. (Too soon?) Still, the food is enjoyable.

The diners rate the dishes and it's time for ...

Critics Table

We shall not be discussing the disgusting fakeout scene with a man making a bunny appear out of his hair. It's sickmaking.

The Masters appear before the apostrophe-loathing critics. And, since this is the dullest part of this entire show, we move to the results. After the Quickfire, diners' and critics' scores are totaled, things add up thusly:

Chef John ends up with a total of ... 12 stars.

Chef Mark ends up with a total of ... 18 1/2 stars. John is out. He may come to me for consolation.

Chef Douglas ends up with a total of ... 13 stars. Douglas is out. Hasta luego, compatriota.

Chef Anita ends up with a total of ... 22 1/2 stars. Mark is out. Anita wins and she moves on to the Champions Round to compete against the three already-chosen Masters and two other Hubert Keller silhouettes to be named later.

But it's Chef Anita's overwhelming response that is most memorable.

"I feel great about winning $10,000," she deadpans.

And that's what makes great television.

Next time on Top Chef Masters: Cook three-course meal for 100 people by yourself.