Project Runway: Welcome To Lifetime!

Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: Welcome To Lifetime!
August 21, 2009

Aaaaaand we’re back.

Yes, Project Runway is back. We’re not "hanging by a thread" and we’re not going, "Buh-bye, darling." ... But there is the ever-present fear that Valerie Bertinelli or Nancy McKeon will pop up somewhere trying to escape their abusive husbands or such. So we must be very, very watchful.

Oh, and we’re in Los Angeles now, so keep an eye out for coked-up, vajayjay-flashing, car-crashing former starlets. They can invade a show in mere seconds ‘round these parts.

Now, on with the show!

The new batch of designers begin appearing at the Not-Atlas. They are ...

• Ra'mon-Lawrence, 30 (Chicago): Designated sassy black guy. Must be a brilliant designer and really brave since he gave up studying neurosurgery to become a designer. OK, either brave or reckless.

• Logan Neitzel, 26 (Seattle): The ponytail. Looks like he could be a refugee from The Hills. Or maybe he’s just drunk. Too soon to tell.

• Johnny Sakalis, 30 (Los Angeles): The “story.” Tried out for the show three times before but didn’t make it because he was a meth addict. Now clean and sober, will try to keep it together long enough to survive at least the first challenge.

• Gordana Gelhausen, 45 (Charleston, S.C.): Originally from the former Yugoslavia. I wasn’t aware there was this whole trend of designers leaving emerging nations and populating the American South. (See entry, Korto Momolu.)

• Malvin Vien, 24 (Brooklyn): This Year’s Androgyne. Asymmetric hair. Stuns no one when he says he likes to mix the masculine and the feminine.

• Carol Hannah Whitfield, 24 (Charleston, S.C.): The Pixie. Actually remembers Gordana from back home when she gave the younger designer a place to sell her wares. Gets an unfortunate edit when she talks about how people don’t associate being blonde and from the South with being smart ... and then stumbles over her next line.

• Qristyl Frazier, 42 (Brooklyn): I instantly think I’ll be loving this woman. Doesn’t say she specializes in “plus-sized” models, but it looks like she does. We only hope she sticks around long enough for the requisite “real woman” challenge.

• Shirin Askari, 24 (Richardson, Tex.): Her name means “sweet” in Farsi. Beyond adorable, she looks like she may live up to her name. She likes to make clothes that turn into other things. Should do well in the “Transformers” challenge.

• Nicolas Putvinski, 27 (New York): Bills himself as the “feather prince.” Winner of the Worst Hair Award. Reminds me too much of Suede. I quickly go hunting for my TV Brick.

• Mitchell Hall, 26 (Savannah): The Recent Grad. Cute little gayboy with tons of book-learnin’. But will technique be enough to win?

• Rodney Epperson, 50 (New York): Goes by simply Epperson. The Senior of the bunch. Ten feet tall and skinny with long cornrows. Soft-spoken. Stuns the younger designers showing pictures of his kids which are older than they are.

• Christopher Straub, 30 (Shakopee, Minn.): The Fish-Out-Of-Water. Also, The Self-Taught One. Overcame a lot to be here. Hopes he can compete without the fashion school know-how of some of the others.

• Ari Fish, 26 (Kansas City): The Designer From Alpha Centauri. She talks to her fabric and asks it what it wants. Wants to make clothes that double as tents with water purification systems inside. (I wish I was making that up.) Is likely trailed closely by a team of men in white coats with a large butterfly net.

• Althea Harper, 24 (Dayton, Ohio): Blonde. Pretty. Looking to leave the Midwest for the big city lights.

• Irina Shabayeva, 27 (New York): Uses her toy poodle for inspiration. The puppy doesn’t seem quite so into it. Looks a bit too much like Shirin. It will be tough telling them apart.

• Louise Black, 32 (Dallas): I’m willing to bet money that this isn’t her real name, since she has gone out of her way to look like ‘20s actress Louise Brooks. Mentions that ‘20s, ‘30s and ‘40s movie star fashions are her inspiration. It shows.

The designers get their HeidiGram and head off to the roof to meet Tim and the soon-to-be-re-impregnated Heidi. Tim explains that, now that they’re in L.A., they’ll be working out of the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising or FIoDaM, which is really too many letters).

They finish their drinks and Tim sends them back downstairs to get some rest before the morning’s trip to the location of their first challenge. (Alas, all that time spent examining how the apartment’s curtains would look as evening wear has clearly gone to waste.)
In the morning, the designers are all stressed. None more so than Johnny, who tells us his stomach is in knots. (Foreshadowing!)

Before you know it, the designers are in front of the NotShrine Auditorium, on the red carpet. It’s the morning of last fall’s Emmy awards. And Tim tells them that, since this is L.A., home of the red carpet (more foreshadowing!), they will have to create an evening gown which is red carpet-ready. (He notes that this could be for any such event, the Oscars™, the Emmys™, the VMAs™ ... or the AVN Awards™, we presume.) The dress is to represent innovation and the designer’s point-of-view.

Everyone cheers ... and it’s off to the workroom to sketch.

Tim tells the designers that they have each been assigned a model and they each have a card with (what’s supposed to be) their model’s measurements.

Ari From Another Planet seems impressed that her model has “big feet like me!”

“Yeah,” Tim responds flatly.

They get 30 minutes to sketch.

Christopher sketches what appears to be a lovely gown on a Bratz doll. Malvin says he doesn’t differentiate between different colored carpets, earning my first eye roll of the season. And Ari Of The Crab Nebula says she doesn’t sketch. She takes the time to walk like a robot and do a hand stand for inspiration. (Again, I wish I was making this up.)

Time’s up, and it’s time to go-go-go to Mood West!

Ari says she’s making something bulbous. Mitchell says he loves pressure. And Qristyl freaks out that she’s going to have to cut her own fabric if she’s going to get what she needs in time.

Thank you, Mood!

Back at the workroom, the designers get crackin’. There, though, Johnny starts to melt down. Immediately, he questions his design and thinks to start over.

Elsewhere, Mitchell says he’s “smocking” something on his gown. Poor Christopher, not having gone to fashion school doesn’t know what that is and feels bad about that.

Cut back to Johnny and we see he’s now abandoned his second idea and is considering scrapping that and going back to his first idea. He tells us that the addiction thing is really in play here and he is in real need of his support structure about now.

Finally, he heads off to the lobby to freak out and cry. It’s actually very sad.

Epperson tries to talk to him, but it doesn’t do the trick. Already Johnny is thinking about quitting.

Finally, SuperTim arrives to console and counsel Johnny. He gives the designer one of his patented pep talks and talks him through his big cry. A bit later, after we’ve dried our eyes, SuperTim has done his job and Johnny cheers up and heads back to the workroom.

Never underestimate the power of a good “make it work.”

Carol Hannah seems to be working on something delightful and quite complicated. Malvin, meanwhile, is proud that his is indescribable.

The day ends, which someone finds “awesome.” And before we know it, it’s the next morning.

Johnny is now optimistic. And back in the workroom, we continue the storyline of Christopher not knowing about many of these fancy techniques and feeling bad about that.

Tim arrives for his “talk to me”s.

First, he stops by Christopher’s table. He rather likes what the designer has, but is worried that not styled correctly, it could go terribly wrong.

He next visits Ari of The Thetans to inquire about her “geodesic dome.” She doesn’t understand the basic question of “what is this going to look like?” Once described, he thinks it’s going to look like a “halter diaper.”

Tim worries that Ra’mon’s gown will have too much of the “big butt” factor and only appeal to the Sir Mix-A-Lotts of the Red Carpet. And when he checks in on Mitchell, we see that he’s made a heavily contoured gown with a bit too much of an Elizabethan/Victorian feel.

Over at Qristyl’s table, she’s having some trouble. She says she’s switched from the Oscars™ to the Emmys™ for some reason. She thinks it’s dramatic. So does Tim. But when asked if it’s dramatic “in a good way,” he stares at it in silence for a looooong time. Not a good sign.

Tim sends the models in for their fittings. And here, Mitchell gets his booby prize. It seems the measurements he got for his model are way off. And since he has a very complex, very body-contoured gown, he’s totally screwed. All he can salvage is the gown’s collar.

The models leave and the designers have four hours left to “make it work.”

Next, it’s the morning of the runway show. And after a brief stop for chat and cereal, the designers are back at work.

But Mitchell is the most stressed, seeing as he has no dress. All he has is a very, very, very sheer fabric to attach to his fancy collar. The others put it simply: He’s going to be sending a nude model down the runway. I’m scared.

The models arrive. Hair! Makeup! (And XenuAri decides to jump in and rat-tease her model’s hair herself.)

Time’s up! Off to the show!

We’re on the runway and out pops the ever-out-popping Heidi to introduce our judges, Michael Kors (the one who says, “Hey guys.”), Nina Garcia (the one who says, “Hi, everyone.”) and our guest judge ...

The Red Carpet herself ... Lindsanity Lohan!

(To be said in raspy, Brenda Vaccaro voice.) "It’s Lindsay."

On with the show!

• Althea’s gown: Silvery evening gown. Achieves its stated intent of having an old Hollywood glamour look. Elegant and pretty.

• Gordana’s gown: Looks more like a cocktail dress to me. Has curious geometric boxes about the bust for visual interest. Nice, though.

• Malvin’s gown: Pretty, but looks like elegant daywear rather than red carpet. Must be that whole not-discriminating-between-red-carpet-and-low-pile-berber-shag thing.

• Mitchell’s not-a-gown gown: Well, the collar’s nice. Beyond that, she’s basically covered in see-though panty-hose fabric. I imagine the producers went to great lengths to make sure she had very thick undergarments on under there.

• Louise’s gown: As expected, very retro-inspired. Would work beautifully in glorious black-and-white. But, as the designer notes, the two-toned color scheme washes out under the lights and looks like grey on also-grey.

• Christopher’s gown: Young and sexy, the dress has a very textured top part over a flow-y lower third. The only problem is that the bottom part’s color is drab enough to look dirty (in an unwashed way, not in Lindsey Lohan way).

• Ra’mon’s gown: A lovely deep purple red carpet dress. Has a surprising lack of apostrophes.

• Shirin’s gown: Pretty, elegant. But, again, looks more elegant cocktail than red carpet. Still, it does have some kind of multi-purpose shrug which I gather is her trademark.

• Epperson’s gown: Dark brown and VERY dramatic evening gown, mostly owing to a large gathering of fabric about the neck and shoulder.

• Irina’s gown: To my mind, exactly what one would see on the red carpet. Flow-y, cream colored and featuring a rather long train. I imagine the whole “this is exactly what is expected” thing could work against her.

• Ari’s gown: A top with no bottom. (There are actually hot pants there.) I’ll say now what Michael Kors says during the judging since it’s what I thought too: “Disco soccer ball.” Still, in a way, I could see some wacked-out rocker chick wearing this to the VMAs. Not that it makes it any better.

• Johnny’s gown: Long, lovely and with a plunging neckline and interesting silhouette. It’s very, very red, though. And that’s a tad distracting.

• Carole Hannah’s gown: Exceptionally detailed. Visually interesting. And different. Was my pick for the win.

• Qristyl’s gown: Purple on the left side and featuring a very busy purple and green print on the left. Looks like two dresses sewn together. The designer’s miffed that the judges were too busy taking notes to look at the dress’s dramatic back.

• Logan’s gown: (Damn. It looks like we’ve found another hat-fetishist designer.) The dress is silver and black and long and totally unremarkable.

• Nicholas' gown: Black and really short. Our top candidate for the AVN™ awards. ‘Nuff said.

Heidi lines up the designers and sends off everyone but ...

Johnny, Ari, Qristyl, Ra’mon, Mitchell and Christopher.

The Inquisition

Qristyl’s clearly on the bottom. She mentions that she could see Miley Cyrus in this dress. (And I can too. This is actually why it’s not very good.)

Christopher’s obviously a favorite. He says it’s for the VMAs™. I see it. As I thought, they like it, but the color on the bottom is problematic. Kors calls it both “cute” and “edgy.”

Ra’mon’s dress is praised, but is considered a tad “safe,” which is always a bad sign on Project Runway.

Then we get to BarbarellAri. She says her dress is for the VMAs™ of 2080. And for accepting the Nobel Peace Prize at the same time. (Again. Not making this up. ... And I can’t top that.)

Lindsay then provides us with our Soup™ moment of the week when she lectures the designer that she has to be aware about what’s “acceptable and appropriate” ... before she heads offstage to do another line, flash her cooch and engage in a high-speed car chase before passing out behind the wheel.

Johnny’s dress is then praised greatly. The only complaint is the color. The fire-crotch-red is a bit much. Most of the judges think it would be just perfect in black.

Finally, they address Mitchell and his naked model. He mentions the whole bad-model-info thing. The judges respond with some nonsense about models always lying about their measurements. (Personally, I call bullshit on this, since there was obviously no way he could start all over to make that detailed garment from scratch without new fabric.)

At least, Nina realizes that the “dress’s” attitude suggests that the designer could, under the right circumstances, make something interesting.

They send the designers away so they can talk behind their backs. They like Johnny’s and Christopher’s dresses. They wonder if maybe they’re just not smart enough to enter Ari’s addled world.

Once they’re done, they call the designers back.

First for the winners:

Johnny ... is safe.

Christopher ... is the winner and gets immunity in the next challenge! (Tears!)

Ra’mon ... is safe.

Now for the losers:

Qristyl ... is safe.

Leaving Ari and Mitchell as the last two standing. Heidi offers her Teutonic tongue-lashing and tells Ari something about “it’s one thing to aim outside the of box and another thing to miss it completely.”

All this talk about boxes makes Lindsay perk up.

Heidi turns her steely gaze to Mitchell and says some bullshit about “no excuses.”

“Mitchell .. you are in. You can leave the runway.

“That means, Ari, you are out. Auf’wiedersehen”

Ari packs up her oxygen tanks, fabric samples and Tang for her long flight home.

Next week on Project Runway: The designers create a look for an “actual celebrity.” Malvin sees a future in chicken thighs. Johnny makes an old-fashioned jacket. And, again, Mitchell’s request for more pressure is fulfilled.