Top Chef Las Vegas: Proposition Ate

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Proposition Ate
August 26, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: 101 Chefs descended on Las Vegas for a rip-roaring orgy of feathers, showgirls and lucky poker chips, which will be occasionally interrupted for trips to the Get Your Own Damn Health Care™ Market, the local tattoo parlor and some light cooking. In the end, one overly inked lady was sent packing for making a stuffed pepper that looked like Great Dane droppings.

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Credits!

Seeing them for the first time, we see that the Powers That Be have created a curious approach to having two pairs of chefs with the same first name. As such, we have (Douchebag) Mike and (BrotherChef) Michael and (Disappeared) Jen and (Favorite) Jennifer.

Morning After Footage!

As it has been written in the Book of Elimination Shows in ancient Sanskrit, we are required to check in with our contestants so they can express shock and dismay that someone was sent home, and amazement that “this is a competition.”

Chef Jesse (“Chef Ink-N-Steel”) is worried that she was in the bottom three last time. Also, if she cries again, she's scared she may rust up like the Tin Man.

Similarly Chef Eve (“The bAt-Am Dweller”) is concerned about her performance. She wonders if she should cook badly-prepared food that she likes or ineptly made things she that thinks the judges will like. Decisions, decisions. She decides to go "Al-out" and do her best and see where that takes her.

Now, let’s check in with our sibling rivalry storyline with Chef BrotherMichael (“The Edgy One”) and Chef BrotherBryan (“The Conservative One”). Still brothers? Yep. Both in the competition? Yep. … Moving on.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive at the Super 8 Motel Resort and Casino™ where they are met by this week’s Incongruous Las Vegas Cliché In A Kitchen: A craps table.

Behind it are Padma and this week’s guest judge, dashing chef/restaurateur Todd English. I am aware of this because I can read the on-screen credits.

Chef Kevin (“Chef InkyBear”) recognizes him instantly and couldn’t imagine anyone not doing so. Chef Jennifer (“Chef 'Making Boys Cry' Since ’99”) notices that Sir Todd is hot.

Padma explains the challenge. The chefs will have to roll the dice and whatever number they roll will determine the number of ingredients (aside from salt, pepper and oil) they can use to make their quickie dish.

One by one, the chefs step up to the table. As they do so, they tell us that they wouldn’t want to be limited to only two ingredients, but would be equally freaked out if they had to use twelve. Also, as with last week’s Quickfire, this is a prize-earning challenge, with the winner receiving $15,000, courtesy of the Super 8 Motel Resort and Casino™.

Since there are still so many chefs, we only get a sampling of what they do here. Basically, no one gets either gets a twelve or a two. Kevin and Eve have to work with higher numbers of ingredients, while Chef Laurine (“Chef Who, Again?”) has to make something with only three items.

They'll have thirty minutes. Go!

Eve is making a salad with A-sparagus as one of her many items. BrotherMichael is making a liquid nitrogen-assisted, cloud-producing gazpacho with his eight ingredients. And BrotherBryan thinks he’d rather stick with more traditional techniques.

(Wow. What a rivalry! It’s a wonder these two don’t kill each other overnight!)

Jennifer’s making salmon with her nine items, while Jesse’s preparing scallops. But, too late, she realizes she picked the wrong pan and won’t be able to get a sear on her seafood without adding an extra ingredient.

Hands up! Utensils down!

Time to taste.  Laurine’s three-ingredient soup is deemed “interesting.” Chef Mattin (“Chef 'What Does A Red Hankie Mean Again?'”) tries to flirt with Padma by way of cleaver word play, (“I make ‘4’ you too!”) and gets an eye-roll from Chef DoucheMike (who clearly called dibs on the Pad').

Todd tastes Eve’s dish and also calls it “interesting.” When he gets to BrotherMichael’s nitro gazpacho, he calls it a “great twist on a tradition.” Kevin gets props. And Chef Ashley (“This Year’s Team Rainbow Co-Chair”) presents her lamb with moustarda and air quotes.

Todd delivers his verdict. The least favorite dishes were Eve’s A-sparagus salad, Jesse’s mushy-on-mushy scallops and BrotherBryan’s cod.

As for the favorites, he singles out BrotherMichael’s gazpacho, Kevin’s multi-item dish with a perfect egg and Jennifer’s “flavors really hit me right in the face” salmon. (Now we know how she makes those boys cry.)

And the winner of the incentivized poker chip? … Brother Michael! (Yeah! In your face, Bryan! Wooo!)

Elimination Challenge

And now it’s time for our next Vegas cliché! The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party!

Woo hoo.

Ashley mirrors my enthusiasm for this when she comes right out and comes out to us. As I would, she’s feeling a tinge irked that she’s going to have to participate in this ritual while at the same time knowing that she herself would not be allowed to marry the person of her choosing. (Unfortunately, as it goes with these things, this complaint will be repeated ad nauseum via the editing process, so much so that it seems whiney.)

“And,” Padma adds, “we’ve decided to make it a Battle of the Sexes!”

Double woo hoo.

The chefs are then divided by genitalia and informed that their two teams will be cooking for their opposite sex clients … as it has been ordained under God’s Law™. The winning team will receive immunity and a chef from the losing team will be going home.

The bachelor and bachelorette enter the kitchen bearing trays of alcohol shots which are to be paired with the dishes at the parties. (Speaking for myself, I get a tad nauseous here, since the mere thought of shots of liquor make me gag more than even the idea of bachelor/bachelorette parties.) The chef teams will have to pair at least two dishes with each of three flavored shots.

The couple explains that these are their “three favorite” shots. (Mom? What were your and Dad’s favorite shots? … On second thought, never mind.) One shot is something called a Moscow Mule, the second is straight tequila and the third is something else called a Golden Delicious. …

…

…

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Sorry, had to go puke. Thanks for holding my hair. Now, back to our show.

The teams have ten minutes to meet with the future divorcees to plan their meals.

While this happens, Chef Ash (“The Unfortunate Name”) explains that the Moscow Mule is some gingery concoction, the tequila is, well, tequila, and the Golden Delicious is some sort of sweet ick-ness.
The bachelorette explains that she’s a “pescetarian,” which means she’s a vegetarian who just can’t see her way to eschewing seafood. She does add that most of her friends do eat meat, but one is vegan … which should make the couple’s backyard cookouts delightfully fractious in years to come.

On the other side of the kitchen the vaginas question the bachelor. Eve asks him what he W-A-nts. He is not a “pescatarian.” (Note to self: Send shipment of Omaha Steaks as wedding present, set the hidden cameras on “record” and then watch the hilarity ensue.)

Once the consults are over, it’s off to the “I Got Mine; Screw You” Market for shopping. Absolutely nothing interesting happens here.

Well, except for the moment where Ash is put in charge of flowers for the event, since gay guys are supposed to know about those things.

Back in the kitchen, Jesse goes back to being worried. BrotherMichael goes back to his blood feud with BrotherBryan. And Chef Hector (“Cooking Been Berry, Berry Good To Me”) is making a tofu ceviche to pair with the tequila chot.

Taking a moment’s break from hocking loogies at each other, BrotherMichael explains that he’s making a sorbet version of the Golden Delicious shot while BrotherBryan will be offering a “very unique” guacamole meringue. (Indeed. I have seen dishes that were one-of-a-kind, but that truly seems so much more one-of-a-kind.)

Suddenly, we see that Ashley is conferring with Jesse. (Cue the ominous percussion.)  Ashely sees that she has time left and will waste it put it to use by also making a second dish, a bay leaf panna cotta. Jennifer, who actually has a brain, suggests that the time would be better spent perfecting her one dish.

But Ashley will have none of it and forges ahead with her plan. She says she wants to really please her customer. (She should know better than to pick this moment to make a first attempt at pleasing a man.)

As the time runs out on the day, Hector is scrambling and we are led to believe that the men are far less together than the women. DoucheyMike says something douchey about this. And then they head back to Casa Cuisine for some much needed rest.

Once there, we continue our gay marriage ban storyline with Ashley and Chef Preeti (“Chef Lesbonicurry”) commiserating about this whole inequality thing.

“I find it beyond comprehension, making us go do, like, effectively, a wedding challenge when, like, at least three of us (emphasis mine) in this challenge aren’t allowed in that institution.”

(At least three? I wonder who she could possibly be talking about? … As if it wasn’t obvious.)

Ashley acknowledges that, being in Vegas, she knew a wedding thing was going to come up. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Preeti, who has been with her partner for 12 years, is more bothered that this isn’t bothering her quite as much as it is Ashley.

No joke there. It’s just fascinating to see gay folks interacting with each other on national television about this. It’s not something you ever see. And that, in and of itself, is refreshing.

After the break, we see the chefs arriving poolside for the parties. They ooh and ah about how luxurious the setting is. But what’s most curious is that it’s most clearly not NOT like any bachelor/bachelorette parties I’ve ever been forced to witness from the next table at a restaurant or the apartment across the hall heard about. Not only are there no strippers, but, most importantly, the dual parties are separated by only a small hotel pool.

(Look, Bravo, if you’re going to force us to deal with the sturm und drang of this whole cliché, have the balls to actually deliver on it, OK? What we got was a poolside engagement party with penises to the left and vaginas to the right.)

The chefs have one hour to set up and they’re held up by BrotherMichael and BrotherBryan engaging in horseplay, punctuated by a steady round of “Mom! Make him stop!” and “Nah, nah, nah! I’m not touching you!!”

As time runs out Preeti mentions that she grabbed some leaves of some kind to use as a plate garnish for her eggplant serving. She thinks they look “awesome.”

Eve, meanwhile, is worried about the lack of flavor in her shrimp dish. The vinaigrette is n-A-t penetrating the shrimp and this is concerning.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Time’s up!

The guests arrive. Ashley reminds us that she’s gay. And the dining commences.

On the men’s side, Mattin (who is so Frooonch) is bothered that he doesn’t have the time to flirt with all the ladies. And then the judges, Padma, Tom, Gail and Todd, arrive.

They approach the women’s team first.

Paired with the Golden Not-Delicious shot are …

Chef Robin (“Chef 'Not In This Episode'”) and her duck mole and Laurine with a lamb chop.

Paired with the tequila shots are …

Eve and her unflavored shrimp with A-vocado ceviche with chili s-AL-sa and Jennifer with her still-mispronounced octopus “ceveech.”

The judges taste these all. They find Eve’s dish “nasty” (which, oddly enough, is actually appropriate for a bachelor party). Laurine’s and Robin’s dishes are praised.

Back at the tables, we hear a bachelor party guest who really sets off the gaydar. And when someone compliments Robin’s dish, she find that simply “awesome.”

Next are a few other chefs. Since Ashley did two dishes, we see them both here. One, a watermelon carpaccio, is paired with the tequila shot. The other, paired with the Moscow Mule, is a panna cotta.

Also paired with the Moscow Mule (gag) is Preeti and her coriander and sesame crusted tuna with spicy eggplant on a dried out, wilted leaf.

And then there’s Jesse, who, in a brave attempt to ward off recruitment into the “at least three”-member Team Rainbow, is now wearing a flower in her hair. With this shot, she’s paired a Thai chicken lettuce cup.

The judges taste these. They find Jesse’s dish to be messy and complicated. They really hate Preeti’s sad leaf. And while they like Ashley’s carpaccio, they really don’t like her dessert.

Then it’s time for the men’s team.

Paired with the Golden Delicious we have …

BrotherMichael’s apple sorbet with a goat cheese cookie and Kevin’s chilled almond soup with king crab.

The judges taste. They love Kevin’s dish, but really love BrotherMichael’s.

Paired with the tequila shot we have four different dishes …

DoucheyMike with his assholey arctic char, BrotherBryan with a novel sweet and sour macaroon filled with guacamole, Chef Ron (“CheFlotilla”) and his lobster cocktail and Hector’s tofu ceviche.

The judges love Hector’s tasty tofu ceviche concept. They’re not crazy about Ron’s lobster or DoucheyMike’s “flabby” char. They really do love BrotherBryan’s play on chips and guacamole, though.

Finally, paired with the Moscow Mule we have …

Chef Eli (“Chef Sorry-We-Didn’t-See-You-This-Week”) and his tuna tartare, Mattin’s bouillabaisse and Ash’s previously unseen Asian chicken wing.

Tasting. Eli’s tartare is a hit. Mattin’s dish gets mixed reviews. And Ash’s under-the-radar dish is also praised.

As the event winds down, some of the male chefs think this would be a good moment to act a fool, get half naked and cannonball into the pool. Naturally, with the exception of Mattin (who’s still mad that he couldn’t hit on the ladies all day), the boys are the ones you least want to see half undressed.

Even the straight girls think they’d rather not see that. (And, as much as a crush on him as I have, I’m proud of my Ash for not participating in that nonsense.)

Fakeout Scene!

Back at Casa Cuisine, we see DoucheyMike is the king of bad nicknames. In fact, he’s come up with what could be the world’s stupidest nicknames for his colleagues.

Fakeout Scene over!

Next, we’re back in the Stewed Room where Ashley provides us with our first “it is what it is” of the season. DoucheyMike asks her if she’s “bringing home the gold.” Jesse references Michael Phelps ...

And speaking of potheads, here comes Padma now!

She calls up BrotherBryan, Eli, Hector and BrotherMichael.

Judges’ Table

If it wasn’t totally obvious already, Padma informs the men that they were the winning team and that these four had the judges’ four favorite dishes.

The judges lavish praise on all four dishes and remind us that Hector likes to cook with his Puerto Rican testicles, something Tom thinks he achieved with his offering. But when it comes down to it, Gail says, this was a Battle Of The Brothers.

But they can’t be bothered to actually notice this, since they’re busy engaging in a noogie war in the back end of the kitchen. Once the fight is broken up, Padma announces that the winner of the challenge is … BrotherBryan!

They head back to the Stewed Room and call up … Eve, Jesse, Preeti and Ashley.

Padma tells them that they had the least favorite dishes. The questioning begins.

Jesse’s dish is criticized. They ask why she didn’t add ginger to her dish, yet chose to muddle it with ginger beer. This actually leads to tears from MetallicaMary and a nationwide wail of, “Crying!? There’s no crying in cooking!”

Eve talks about what she w-A-nted out of her dish. She didn’t get it. And she really doesn’t seem to have a clue as to how to deliver a tasty one. Clearly frustrated, Tom takes his head in his hand with a look of “How did this chick even get cast?” on his face.

Preeti’s wilted leaf is the next topic of discussion. And her contention that the leaves discombobulated as quickly as they did is greeted with a certain degree of cynicism. And Ashley gets raked over the coals for making a second so-so dish which detracted from her first, good one.

During the judges’ discussion of Ashley’s panna cotta, my head begins to explode as they begin to go into great detail about “tannins” and other chef-y things that my poor little microwave meal-eating noggin’ can’t fathom. (This is why I don’t cook. … OK, it’s one reason I don’t cook.)

The four are sent back so the judges can repeat everything they said before and so Preeti can tell the others how the diners found her dish “awesome.”

The four are called back in.

After a brief review …

“Eve, please pack your knives and go.”

“So I realize I’m n-A-t going to be named the T-A-p Chef,” she says.

No kidding? Wh-A-t gave you that impression?

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs will have to prepare a meal for 300 airmen. Cans are involved.