Top Chef Las Vegas: Waking Up In Vegas

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Waking Up In Vegas
August 19, 2009

Well, here we go. ... Watch as your gentle blogger completely loses his mind as a supersized debut of the sixth season of Top Chef comes right before .... the finale of Top Chef Masters. Which comes before the debut of the sixth season of Project Runway ... which is accompanied by an All-Stars Project Runway challenge and a Models of Project Runway hoo hah.

And now you know why I’m greying faster than Obama over the past nine months.

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Top Chef is back! And this time they’re in ... one of my most un-favorite cities ever, Las Vegas.

(Don’t get me wrong. The shows can be fun. The food can be extravagantly great. And there’s the Liberace Museum, too. But if you can’t stand gambling and REALLY can’t stand cigarette smoke, it’s NOT for you.)

This season we have a whopping 17 chefs starting out in the competition with a skill level (we are led to believe) far beyond previous seasons. And this year, we’re changing out some flavors, trading the previous years’ tired fauxhawks for ... tattoos! Lots and lots of tattoos.

This year, we’ll see more megastar chefs judging the dishes, more product placement than ever before and crazy twists inspired by the 12 obligatory Las Vegas clichés! The winner will get the big check, a lifetime supply of Rubbermaid™ products and, instead of being saddled with a kitchen of crappy GE™ Monogram appliances, they’ll be able to buy a ton of actual working ones from Gimbel’s™.

So, let’s meet meet our inky cheftestants!

• Michael Isabella, 34 (Washington, D.C.): Originally a South Jersey boy. Billed as “‘Rising Culinary Star’ Nominee.” Will be filling the stick role of douchebaggy, sexist, cocky asshole. Inky 1.

• Kevin Gillespie, 26 (Atlanta): Billed as “‘James Beard’ Nominee.” Super chef. Burly with an untamed beard. Looks like Sebastian Cabot if Sebastian Cabot were running a Tilt-A-Whirl. So brave he actually quit M.I.T., where he had a full scholarship, to become a chef. Inky 2.

• Jennifer Carroll, 33 (Philadelphia): Steely-eyed female chef with something to prove to the men. Bona fides: Chef de Cuisine under überchef Eric Ripert. Says she’s made “boys cry.” Looking forward to seeing her do that here. (Curiously, someone assumed she was a pastry chef, which struck me as a tad sexist. No?)

• Robin Leventhal, 43 (Seattle): Our first heart-tugger. Tough dame who battled cancer and can take you down too. The last fauxhawk of the season.

• Ash Fulk, 29 (New York City): This year’s gay and my new lust object. Mentions he’s the gay one before the credits even roll. Mentions he has a boyfriend. (Lucky boyfriend.) Still working on making him my new screen saver.

• Michael Voltaggio, 30 (Los Angeles): Originally from Frederick, Md. Michelin Star recipient. Inky 3. will be fulfilling the  how-will-a-preexisting-relationship-hold-up-to-a-reality-show-competition clause, since he will be competing against ...

• Bryan Voltaggio, 33 (Urbana, Md.): “James Beard” nominee. Michael’s older brother. And the one who stayed near home. Along with little brother, will be fulfilling my other fantasy. (Don’t ask.)

• Eli Kirshtein, 25 (Atlanta): Executive Chef of some grand restaurant which is likely located on some street named after a peach tree. (And friend of TC’s Chef Richard Blais.) The first one cursing. Gets bleeped in the first 60 seconds of the show. Chairman of the Fat-N-Proud club.

• Preeti Mistry, 33 (San Francisco): Androgyne #1. Is an Executive Chef back home. I’m just going to assume she’s a lesbian because my inner Kris Williamson is tingling. (Long story.) Probably gets tired of Cou-gays hitting on her, thinking she’s a teenage boy.

• Ron Duprat, 40 (Hollywood, Fla.): Originally from Haiti. A big hulk of a man. Comes off as the giant-who’s-candy-sweet-on-the-inside. Should Robin falter, will step in as the official heart-tugger, as he has a heartbreaking tale of coming to America on a leaky raft. Lou Dobbs' most un-favorite chef.

• Eve Aronoff, 40 (Ann Arbor, Mich.): The doe-eyed innocent. Is actually surprised that there aren’t other chefs here from Michigan. (??) Seems overwhelmed by big city lights and palm trees. ... I don’t give her too long.

• Mattin Noblia, 29 (San Francisco): Originally from France. Filling the role of The Cheftestant Who Needs Subtitles. Cute as a bug. Wears an odd red kerchief  about his neck which the other chefs think makes him look like he just came from running with the bulls in Pamplona. I think he may have escaped from the film Ratatouille, since he does have that Pixar look about him.

• Jesse Sandlin, 30: (Baltimore): Inky 3/Spiky 1. The obligatory “I’m not formally trained” chef. Has a nasty habit of poking metal spikes though parts of her face, leaving me to wonder if the taste of silver in one’s mouth affects your sense of taste for food. (Incidentally, when did the masculine/feminine spellings of this name switch? Here we have a female “Jesse” while on Big Brother there’s a male “Jessie.” Personally, I blame Rick Springfield.)

• Jennifer Zavala, 33 (Philadelphia): Inky 4. Super-Inky, even. She’s even tattooed her throat. The designated “I’m competing for my kid” contestant. We see the cute kid in a picture from home. Strangely, the child hast yet to get his first tribal tattoo.

• Ashley Merriman, 32 (Seattle): Androgyne #2. Originally from New Hampshire. Between the name and the look, I’d be hard pressed to pick a gender without hearing the voice. ... Ah, there’s the voice. Girl! Got it! Thanks.

• Laurine Wickett Hope, 38 (San Francisco): The designated caterer contestant. We meet her and then assume we’ll see her again the week she’s eliminated. (So long for now.)

• Hector Santiago, 41 (Atlanta): My Puerto Rican compatriota. Inky 5. Another giant. With a big ponytail and goatee, looks like the bad guy from every episode of Miami Vice.

The chefs each arrive at the Desert Dessert Ranch, bags in tow, and introduce themselves. As they ask where each of them are from, Ash thinks it’s “awesome” that two of the chefs are from Maryland. This is because he’s driven through Maryland.

(Sorry, I don’t care. He’s still adorable.)

The ladies unpack. (Jennifer Z., though is feeling superstitious and doesn’t unpack her clothes.) The gents get to know each other. And we get to see the brothers interact and everyone react to the news that they’ll have actual bros and not just “bromance” around this season.

We also learn that the three Atlanta chefs (Hector, Eli and Kevin) know each other from their restaurants all being very close to each others and that the two Michaels (the douchy one and the brotherly one) have worked together in the past.

The horde arrives at the brand new, luxurious Red Roof Inn™ Resort and Casino where they are greeted by their sponsor and are led to their mega-kitchen. There, they are greeted by Tom and (Actually)Padma.

Padma warns the chefs that the kitchen has been decked out with the newest GE™ Monogram equipment, so they better watch out for ovens that don’t heat up, refrigerators that don’t cool down and all manner of surprises!

Quickfire Challenge

Tom and Padma reveal that this season, rather than “surprise” the chefs by making them cook unexpectedly on a rooftop, garden or garage with found objects, they’re actually going to surprise by having them perform the Mis En Place Relay Race (which normally happens later in the season).

And, speaking of surprises, let’s introduce our first Vegas cliché! An incongruous row of dancing showgirls in headdresses, fresh from the Folies Bergère! Padma then pulls out a top hat filled with poker chips from which each chef will have to pick. The color of the chip will determine the teams.

Oooh, twisty! Screw the knife block, we’re in Vegas, baby!

And there’s one more twist! Since there are 17 chefs, and there are four teams, one chef will be left out. That chef is ... Robin, who pulls the gold chip.

She earns falls ass-backwards into getting a free pass from the Quickfire and immunity in the Elimination Challenge. (Huh? How’s this fair?)

For the relay, the chefs will have to, in turn, shuck 15 clams, peel 30 prawns, clean up five lobsters and butcher two chops from a huge prime rib.

The teams are:

• Team Green: Laurine, Ron, Ash, Jen Z.

• Team Blue: Jennifer C., Bryan, Jesse, Mattin

• Team Black: Mike I., Ashley, Hector, Eli

• Team Red: Kevin, Preeti, Eve, Michael V.

They get two minutes to determine which team member gets which task. The only drama here is when we learn that Preeti has never opened a clam before in her life (insert lesbian joke here) and, by default, has been handed this job. (This should work out nicely.) She asks Kevin if it’s the same as opening an oyster. He says it’s different. But now it’s too late; that’s the job she has.

The race starts ... now!

This whole thing goes so fast (and these faces are so new) it’s really hard to tell what’s happening.

Basically, Preeti spends all day and the bulk of the summer trying to pry open one clam. DouchyMike can’t believe that Jen C. (a girl!) is almost as fast as he is. Jen Z. slices her hands open and bleeds over everything.

And in the end, it’s Team Blue over Team Black by a nose, due to Mattin’s speedy lobster work and Ashley’s slowness with  the same critters.

But it ain’t over yet. Now, the four chefs of Team Blue will have to compete against each other in a cook-off. They will each have to prepare a dish using the ingredient they just prepared. And the winner get immunity a round piece of colored plastic entitling them to $15,000 courtesy of the Red Roof Inn™ Resort & Casino.

Robin, who has immunity, is given the opportunity to trade in her from-the-heavens gift for what’s behind door number two, a chance to compete for the poker chip. Wisely, she keeps what’s in the box and declines the zonker. DickheadMike thinks this shows that the “old lady” is “not confident in her skills.” (Did we mention he’s a dickhead?)

The challenge rather scares poor Jess(i)e, who’s never worked worked with prawns before. She’s going to try to make a (prawns) and grits dish, since that’s the first thing that came to mind.

Scurry!

Bryan works on something quick for his steak. Mattin is confident he’ll pull out a great lobster dish. And Jennifer C. wants to make a clam “ce-VEECH,” confounding everyone in the audience who would think that it’s actually a ceviche (ce-VEECH-eh). (Maybe fancy French chefs have a different pronunciation. What do I know?)

Time’s up!

Tom and Padma silently sample the four dishes (and don’t react to Jennifer C.’s odd pronunciation). We see Bryan and Jennifer C. worry that their dishes aren’t as complete as they’d like (which normally means that they win).

Tom declares that all four of the dishes were outstanding and is hard-pressed to pick a winner. As the least-good of the four, he singles out Bryan’s steak and Mattin’s lobster. And as the best, he picks Jennifer C.’s ceviche and Jesse’s (prawns)-n-grits. He’d like to declare a tie, but in the end he declares the winner to be ... Jennifer C.! (Enjoy your poker chip!)

We imagine DickheadMike is dumbfounded that a girl knows how to turn on an oven, much less win this challenge, and if he had been in it he would have smacked her down but good.

Elimination Challenge

For this challenge, the members of each team will be competing against each other in a head-to-head-to-head-to-head challenge. They will each have to make a dish inspired by our second Las Vegas cliché, Sin City. Yes, they will have to make a dish that stays in Vegas and reeks of Marlboros!

No. Wait. It’s actually something about picking their greatest flaw, or sin, or vice, or weakness, or just something that happened to them once and make a dish inspired by that. Got that?

From each crew, one chef will be eligible for the win and one will be eligible for elimination. Since Robin sat out the Quickfire, she gets to pick a team to cook alongside for no apparent reason. Wanting to be with winners, she picks Team Blue. OK then. See you next week, Robin!

Tom then announces that this week’s guest judge will be pioneer celebrity chef and frozen pizza maker, Wolfgang Puck. (Oooh, Wolfie! I reheat your microwave meals all the time! I’m enamored by your inventive use of reflective microwave-safe plastics!)

Fakeout Scene!

Back at the Desert Dessert Depot, Kevin wants to slosh  down a water slide into the tiny pool. No one seems crazy about seeing him shirtless. He does it. And suddenly Top Chef turns into BearFest 2009.

Fakeout Scene Over!

The chefs arrive at the Who-Needs-Health-Care-Anyway Mart™ for supplies. Nothing really important happens there, save for a reminder that in three of the past five seasons the winner of the first Elimination Challenge has won the whole shooting match.

Oh, and Ron fills us in on the touching tale about how he spent 27 days at sea trying to get to America and how the refugees went overboard to catch fish in order to survive. (And this is a vice, how exactly? ... Oh, wait, Lou Dobbs just said something. Carry on.)

The chefs arrive at Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant, Slice (or Dice or something like that) and are astounded at its cleanliness. (I arch my eyebrows in curiosity at that remark.) And my adorable Ash joins the odd pronunciation squad when he seems to think the Palazzo is pronounced PAL-a-so instead of pal-AH-zo.

So, in between the shopping and the cooking, we learn that ...

Jennifer Z.’s vice is her hot temper. So she’s planning a chile relleno using something called seitan (or Satan), which I gather is a form of wheat gluten ... from hell.

Kevin’s theme is procrastination, so he’ll be making Arctic char, taking the imaginative approach of slowly cooking things that are normally done quickly and quickly cooking things that are normally done slowly. (This is sure to impress people who know how to cook, I assume.)

Preeti’s one of several chefs who are apparently boozers, since she’s pouring Brand Name Redacted liquor into her dish.

Michael’s vice is ... well, we gather that he’s into boobs. (Say hi to Gail for me!) So, operating on the concept that Vegas and boob jobs go hand in cup, so to speak, he opts to go the (usually successful) visual pun route. He’s making a rack of lamb with juicy coconuts. Get it?

Laurine (oh, she actually gets to talk!) is going with ... I’m gonna guess gluttony? A sweet tooth? Because she’s making donuts. Bacon donuts. In a Belgian beer sauce. ... Odd, but curious in a cardiovascularly deadly kind of way.

Jennifer C.’s another boozehound. So she’s taking an entire liquor cabinet and pouring it over fish. Upside: Even if folks don’t like it, they won’t remember the next morning.

Speaking of Foster Brooks, Jesse is also riding the 100 Proof Wagon with her dish. She’s planning on some kind of chicken with egg made with firewater. Her problem, though, is that her chicken is drying out. Her other problem: She doesn’t know the proper use of “would have.” But then, I want to hurt people who say “would of.” (I have issues.)

Hector’s vice is smoking. (Oh, boooooo!) He plans to cook with his balls, which I think wouldn’t be covered under Bravo’s liability insurance. He’s going to deep fry a steak to give it a smokey flavor. (When he explains it later, it makes sense. But now, it just sounds nuts. .... Ah! That's how he’s incorporating his testicular skills!)

Eve squeaks at us that her vice is that she overcomplicates things. So she’s going to make something simple (a curried shrimp dish) and complicate it and then simplify it and ... oh, why bother?

Time is called and Robin is miffed that her gastrique didn’t make it to her plate. Like it matters.

Time for service!

Awaiting the dishes are Tom, Padma, the ever-lovely Gail Simmons and Wolfie Da Überceleb.

First up, Team Black. DouchebagMike tells us that it’s “awesome” to be cooking for the Puck. They serve.

DickfaceMike’s problem (well, number 37 on his list of problems) is his hot temper and foul mouth. To represent this, he’s made an olive oil poached halibut with eggplant purée, with the halibut dressed to look like the bar of soap his mom would use to wash out his mouth. Mikey’s clearly a gifted chef. And he knows that visual puns are always big hits in this game.

Eli’s effort is to put into his dish his jaded, angry, drunk, bitter and wholly unpleasant character. (Hey, he said it! Personally, I don’t see it. Yet.) To represent this, he’s made a “buttered Scotch” scallop dish. It seems accurate enough.

Ashley’s vice is -- here we go again -- the giggle juice. So she’s made three chicken liver ravioli with a red wine sauce. Feh.

And then there’s Hector’s fried ribeye steak.

The judges taste the dishes. They like Eli’s scallops and SchmuckwadMike’s halibut. They’re not keen on Hector’s and Ashley’s concepts.

Next out is Team Blue.

Brother Bryan’s vices are a steak, a bourbon and a cigar. (Is this Top Chef or Rescue Me? I forget.) He’s made a great steak and has added elements to the plate which are suggestive of the casks in which bourbon is aged.

Mattin’s vice is that he actually believes that one’s horoscope actually means shit, in his case, the month in which he was born makes him stubborn. And since buffalo are SORT of like bull, he’s made a buffalo rib eye steak with sushi-like servings of zucchini and mashed potatoes.

Jennifer C. introduces her all-you-can-drink poached halibut. (You eat that and you’ll be poached, all right.)

Jesse explains her hooch-infused Tipsy Chicken. But I can’t stop to hear anything about it since I’m distracted by the bandanna on her head which makes her look like Aunt Jemima, only white and with lots of problems getting through metal detectors.

Robin wastes everyone’s time introducing her dish. In case you’re interested, her vice is being a “bad Jew” who eats pork. It’s a pork dish. I’m sure it is very nice. I believe it’s called Pork Tenderloin ala Moot Point.

The judges taste. Brian’s dish is generally liked. Jennifer C.’s drunkenfish is a hit. Jesse’s tipsy chicken and Mattin’s buffalo aren’t.

Then comes Team Green.

Ash reveals that he’s on Team Procrastination, too. To illustrate this he’s made a halibut. But what’s really cute (aside from the chef) is that since he’s prone to procrastinate, he only put sauce on half the plate to suggest he didn’t have time to finish it.

Jennifer Z. introduces her (giant turd that was found in the sand) chili stuffed with wheat gluten. Yeah, what you’re imagining. It’s like THAT bad.

Ron gives the judges the lowdown on his immigrant story and explains his fish. It seems delicious. But, again, no one seems to get how that’s a vice.

And then Laurine (still here!) shows off the arterial flow stopper that is her bacon donuts with beer sauce.

Aaaaand taste! Wolfie thinks the donuts are tasty but dense. They like Ron’s story and dish as well as Ash’s fish. Jennifer Z.’s big poopie loaf, though, makes folks gag.

Last to serve is Team Red.

Brother Mike flashes his ta-tas, or rather introduces his artificial mammary gland dish.

Preeti’s vice is a specific cocktail. So she’s made a gender non-specific port tenderloin with bourbon sweet potato purée.

Eve goes off into na-na land trying to explain her complicated-not-complicated-complicated curried shrimp.

And Kevin (who I’m convinced was created by Gund) introduces his brilliant slow-fast/fast-slow fish dish.

The judges taste and Wolfie says that something looks like chicken testicles. (Considering the size of what it is that’s on his fork, I’m imagining he’s seen some 6 foot tall chickens in his day.) Everyone loves Kevin’s story and his dish and Brother Mike’s boobie dish. Eve’s mishegoss leaves them bored confused.

So, it’s off to ...

Judges’ Table

(Ah Judges’ Table. I’m so happy to have my apostrophe back.)

Padma arrives in the Stewed Room and calls up ... Ron, Kevin, DoucheyMike and Jessica C. as the top four.

The judges question them and enthuse over their dishes. And after some discussion, they say that the winner of the challenge is ... Kevin!

The plushie leads the rest of the winners back to the Stewed Room where they call up the bottom four, Eve, Jesse, Hector and Jessica Z.

Hector defends his deep frying of the steak as being chicharron-style. When he puts it that way, it makes sense. But, sadly, it doesn’t improve the dish.

Addressing her shrimp, Eve doubletalks with her flaaaat aaaaays and only confounds everyone.

Jennifer Z.’s defensive approach is to be defensive. And argumentative. She insists that she’s made that dish before and it’s popular at her restaurant. She impresses no one with this.

Jesse, to her credit, isn’t so much defensive but explanatory. She knows what happened and why. Wolfie tells her to work on that dish and it could be good one day.

The judges confer and, after some back and forth, come to their conclusion.

They call the bottom four back in.

“Jennifer, please pack your knives and go.”

Luckily she won’t need to pack her clothes. She never unpacked.

This season on Top Chef: Drama. Lots of it. And even more Las Vegas clichés. We’re now placing bets for how many episodes before we see ... a 24-hour wedding chapel, gangsters, Wayne Newton and an Elvis impersonator.