Top Chef Masters: Burgers And Bunny Food

Top Chef Masters
Episode: Burgers And Bunny Food
August 5, 2009

Previously on Top Chef Masters: Six Masters competed in what I foolishly thought was the final round. Apparently, this yummy snoozefest goes on for a few more weeks. The Masters competed in the mis en place challenge and later had to recreate each other’s signature dishes. In a tight race, personality-deficient robochef Suzanne Tracht was eliminated, leaving me to suffer serial name-dropper Art Smith for another week.

---

The five remaining masters enter the GE™ Monogram Kitchen of Doom where they are greeted by NotPadma.

To recap, the remaining chefs are ...

• Anita Lo: The lesbian flat-affect.

• Art Smith: The one I want to sauté with a light mustard sauce and serve to hyenas.

• Hubert Keller:  The Gallic wonder.

• Michael Chiarello: The charmer.

• Rick Bayless: The sweet one.

As they enter, they see a buffet table piled high with three feet of preservatives and bovine growth hormone, or as they are otherwise known, fast food burgers from a very litigious chain which shall remain unnamed.

Quickfire Challenge

NotPadma reveals that the masters will be recreating the burger challenge from Season Three, wherein they have to create a high-end burger. And judging this week are documentarian Morgan Spurlock (best known for eating nothing but the afore[not]mentioned fast food chain’s burgers for 30 days for a film), the winner of some best burger contest somewhere, and hat addict and D.C. rental house evictee, Season Four chef Spike “Da Douche” Mendelsohn.

Once the challenge has been revealed, all heads turn to Chef Hubert, who is known for the gourmet burgers he serves in his high-end eatery. In fact, he notes, they serve (and actually sell) a $5,000 burger ... which to my mind is why socialism is not such a bad idea after all.

Go!

Chef Anita is feeling worn down, despite having won the last round. She’s going the outside-the-box route and not making a burger. (That should go over well.) She’s making a cheddar soup with burger bits dropped in. ... Er, yum?

Chef Rick The Not-Mexican-But-Still-Really-Mexican Master plays to his strengths and makes a burger which is like a Mexican Queso Fundido.

Chef Art risks the warranty status on my flatscreen when he spouts that goddamned “food is love” crap again. He’s making love cakes to wrap around his love burger and serving them with fried green love tomatoes.

Chef Hubert is making the most popular gourmet burger in his restaurant, a yummy one stuffed with Roquefort cheese.

And Chef Michael is making a burger the size of a wagon wheel which sits between three burger buns. A curious concept, but I don’t see how one eats that without turning things into a weird beef-laden, three-way reenactment of the key scene from Lady And The Tramp. (And with Chef Spike involved, no one want to picture that before lunch.)

Time’s up!

First before the diners is Chef Rick’s Mexiburger with three guacamoles. The three don’t understand why there are three. Chef Rick looks like he’d like to go out there and smack them for their lack of guac’ sophistication.

Next is Chef “YOU get a coronary! YOU get a coronary! EVE-RY-BODY gets a coronary!” The three think it tastes like love.

Third is Chef Michael’s EnormoBurger. The three spare us the greasy make-out scene when they slice the massive piece of meat ... into three manageable jumbo burgers. (You thought I was was going to make a sex joke there, didn’t you?) The diners love it and think it tastes like a great steak.

Chef Anita’s Not-A-Burger follows. Spurlock calls it a “wish burger,” wishing there was a burger there. It is not a hit.

Last is Chef Hubert’s high-end Roquefort burger. I feel I can actually smell and taste it through the TV, it looks so good. The diners, though, don’t seem to get it. Gourmond Spurlock thinks the Roquefort taste overpowers the burger, which could be forgivable considering his standing in the culinary world. But when Spike Through My Eye says the dish lacks a “wow factor,” back in the kitchen, the normally unflappable DJ Jazzy French looks like he’s about to go wickety-wickety-wack on their noggins for that. He and Chef Rick make plans to throw him and his greasy hats off the roof later.

The diners rate the dishes.

Back in the kitchen, NotPadma reveals the scores.

• Chef Hubert earns ... 3 stars. (Ouch.)

• Chef Art of Love earns ... 3 1/2 stars. (Figures.)

• Chef Anita earns ... 1 1/2 stars. (Mega-ouch.)

• Chef Michael earns ... 4 stars. (Yea!)

• Chef Rick earns ... 4 stars. (Yea.)

So, will Chef Anita be able to do that which no other Master has been able to do thus far, namely, come back from the dead? Let’s find out.

Elimination Challenge

NotPadma explains that the Masters will have to cater a lunch party for the actress ZaSu Pitts, star of Elf and some other flick that’s in theaters now. (Chef Food = Emotional Sustenance smells a rat.)

It seems the young Miss ZuZu Petals has just returned from touring with her band and has a message for the Masters. “There are just a couple of things you should know,” she says in a televised message. (In anticipation, the hairs on Chef Harpo’s back stand on end.)

And then she reveals that not only is she a vegetarian, but she’s a vegan (meaning she doesn’t eat eggs or dairy of any kind). AND she’s also gluten intolerant, which I think means she’s a wheat-o-phobe. And she doesn’t eat soy.

With each revelation, Chef “Love Means Never Having To Say No To Seconds” smacks the table and gets more and more despondent and he doesn’t know what he’ll be able to do without his chicken and macaroni and cheese. (Hopefully, he’ll learn something that can get Oprah back in shape again.)

The Masters discuss which one of them will handle which course of the lunch. Chef “The Love Goes In Your Mouth” volunteers to make dessert, a move the others think suicidal.

And it’s off to Ralph’s for supplies!

There, the Masters face the challenge head-on. Chef Rick feels quite comfortable, since (say it along with us now) Mexican food has lots of vegan options. Chef Eat My Love is stumped and heads over to buy some ready-made rice milk ice cream, since he doesn’t know how to make it himself. (Paging Miss Sandra Lee! Paging Miss Sandra Lee to the frozen foods aisle!)

He asks himself if his dish will be reflective of who he is as a chef. He answers himself, “No, but I’m going to give it some love ...”

And an army of adjusters from my homeowners insurance burst through the door to tackle me to the ground to stop me from taking a ball-peen hammer to the LCD.

Meanwhile, Chef Michael reveals that, owing to a temporary wheat intolerance on the part of a family member, he’s familiar with a quinoa (ie. non-wheat) pasta which he used throughout that time.

With two hours to prep, the Masters arrive back in the booby-trapped kitchen. There, Chef Rick reveals that he’s had to cook for a child with food allergies and (only once) Chef Michael had to make a vegan meal, for then-First Lady Hillary Clinton. (Hey, celebrity name-dropping is Art’s gig! Back off, big guy!)

As he cooks, a composed Chef Hubert explains that he’s been cooking vegetarian and vegan meals for some time and is quite comfortable. On the flip side, Chef Food In The First Degree is sweating his dessert, a mix of strawberries, allergy-friendly almond brittle and store-bought ice cream.

Let’s check in with Chef Anita! How’s she doing?

Yep, still bored. Moving on.

Then, it’s off to the venue where they are greeted by the guest of honor, actress Zosh Duhamel. (You know, I really wanted to not like her, but DAMN she’s just freakin’ adorable and positively irresistible. Damn you, you sweet Zooey Deschanel! You got nice all over my snark!)

She’s darling towards all the Masters and thanks them (repeatedly) for cooking for her, since never gets anything more elaborate than bunny food.

The ingenue heads off to leave the Masters to finish their dishes. Chef Anita is having trouble with lentils which can’t be remedied with a bottle of Bean-O. Chef Michael is having trouble with his “weird” pasta, which requires each strand to be separated by hand.

The diners arrive and NotPadma introduces the critics, Ebenezer Scrooge, Jay Raynor: Mind Freak and Spike Mendelsohn Spirit Guide, Gael Greene.

Back in the kitchen, though, is where the action is. First, a GE™ Monogram Buffet Table does as expected and begins to collapse with all of Chef Michael’s dishes. Thankfully, Chef Hubert appears with a troupe of servers to prevent all  of Michael's plates from hitting the floor.

But the drama continues later as Chef Hubert hands his dishes to the servers. It seems he’s serving his gazpacho in tall, narrow shot glasses. And, despite his repeated warnings to the servers to be careful, one glass tips over and spills all over the rest of the plate. Thankfully, the man is prepared with another spare dish. But as we hear a crash, we learn that another server has lost his balance and let a shot glass go crashing to the floor. This time, it didn’t spill over the rest of the food and Hubert is able to pull out another shot glass of soup.

Let’s hear it for over-preparation! Woo hoo!

Once the crisis is over with, Chef Hubert’s dishes are before the diners. He’s made that white gazpacho alongside a French take on guacamole with asparagus and a roasted beet salad. The diners love it and it certainly looks more colorful and attractive than most vegan dishes. Zooey thinks it’s “mind-blowing.” Some diners think the franco-mole is like “eating dip.” But the critics adore it.

Next is Chef Anita with her brown-y, brown-brown eggplant with a brown square of brown lentils. It’s brown ... and perfectly reflects the chef’s effervescent personality. The diners choose to discuss matters other than the dish. When they do, it’s to declare it oily  and a bit over-seasoned.

Chef Michael’s pasta with salsa verde is up next. It’s an homage to tomatoes. Zooey and her mom say the dish is like coming home, mostly because Zooey hasn’t had pasta in forever. And Gael is amazed at the non-wheat pasta, not having been aware of its existence.

Third out is Chef Rick with his corn tamales with chili-braised beans, braised greens and glazed mushrooms. Zooey gushes over this dish as well. She’s just so nice. (Curiously, we don’t hear the critics’ take on the dish.)

Last, it’s Chef “Food Is A Many-Splendored Thing” and his fresh from the frozen foods aisle strawberry soup. It looks really icky. Which is not what one wants in a dessert. For the first time, Zooey is not thrilled with a dish, saying she’s had better vegan ice cream. In fact, just about everyone around the table has a suggestion as to how it could have been better. The only praise is from Gael who adored the almond brittle. And Ebeneezer whose praise is limited to saying that he finished it.

The critics leave the diners to rate the dishes. And, before you know it, we’re at ...

Fakeout Scene!

It’s The Best Of Rick! See Rick be a perfectionist. See Rick be compared to the Professor on Gilligan’s Island! See Rick tweak knobs on an oven. See Rick be completely unable to fix a hole in a boat!

Fakeout Scene over!

Critics Table

The Masters face the critics. Blah, blah, blah, questions. Blah, blah, blah, “Love.” Blah, blah, blah pre-made food.

After my nap, I awake to hear the results.

The top three Masters are ... Chefs Michael, Rick and Hubert.

And after the results are tallied, the scores are as follows.

• Chef Hubert earns a final total of ... 19 stars. (Well done!)
• Chef Michael earns a final total of ... 22 stars. (Bravo!)
• Chef Rick earns a final total of ... 19 stars. (Chef Michael wins the round!)

Now for the losers. After the ratings are tallied ...

• Chef Anita earns a total of ... 13 stars. (Ooooh.)
• Chef Art earns a total of ... 12 1/2 stars. (Yea!!!  "I food the smell of napalm in the morning!")

Ah, I can watch in peace now that that load’s gone.

Next time on Top Chef Masters: The Masters get “help” from come experienced chefs, namely previous Top Chef contestants. And Season Four Dickwad Dale gets all up in Chef Michael’s grill. Ack!

(Ed. I really didn’t expect to be doing a recap this week, what with another death in the family. But this is good therapy, I suppose. Thanks to those of you who knew about this and sent their condolences. They were most comforting.)