Top Chef Masters: Now Do It Standing On Your Head, Speaking Esperanto!

Top Chef Masters
Episode: Now Do It Standing On Your Head, Speaking Esperanto!
August 12, 2009

Previously on Top Chef Masters: We were finally rid of serial name dropper and all-round pill, Oprah Chef Art Smith. (Really. That’s all you need to know.)

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We’re (mercifully) nearing the end and I’m freaking out about how the hell I’m possibly going to do Top Chef Masters, Top Chef and Project Runway in one week. So, while I work out my issues and refill my prescriptions, let’s take a look at this, the penultimate TCM episode, shall we?

It’s down to the final four Masters. And the remaining leaders in the Food Court Sweepstakes from an Alternate Universe are ...

• Hubert Keller: Au Bon Pain

• Anita Lo: Panda Express

• Rick Bayless: Chipotle

• Michael Chiarello: Sbarro

The Masters enter the kitchen for the ...

Quickfire Challenge

NotPadma reminds everyone that for TCM, they’re reviving Quickfire Challenges from previous Top Chef seasons. And now it’s time for the one we’ve been so eagerly anticipating .... the blindfold taste test.

The Masters sweat perfectly-seasoned bullets.

The challenge: To accurately identify as many ingredients as they can from a selection of 20 common (and not-so-common) items. And to do it blindfolded.

The hostess mentions that in Season One, Chef Andrea won this challenge by accurately identifying the umeboshi plum. Blindfolded. Chef Hubert is visibly terrified. And Chef Michael doesn’t even know what an umeboshi plum is.

The chef who correctly names the most ingredients wins five stars for this challenge. The runner-up gets four stars. The next, three and a half. And the one in last place earns three stars.

The Masters wait out in the dining area until they are called into the kitchen one by one for the taste test.

Chef Michael goes first. He’s all about Italian cuisine and doesn’t feel he’d know most non-Italian ingredients. We see him accurately ID peanut butter, corn, hummus, oregano and coconut water and stumble over others.

Next is Chef Hubert. He makes a vaguely sexual comment about how he enjoyed NotPadma putting the blindfold on him and proceeds to taste. We see him get peanut butter, coconut water, ketchup and maple syrup and miss a few others.

Third is Chef Rick. His strategy is to think of this like a party game. (Is this another vaguely sexual reference to NotPadma?) We see him get a few items VERY wrong, identifying mango as plum, for instance. He predicts his chefs back home will be ribbing him for this for years to come.

Last is Chef Anita (who has no sexy come-ons for NotPadma). She employs the bad strategy of putting a lot of each ingredient in her mouth. This she realizes is a bad strategy because she can’t get the previous ingredient out her mouth when it’s time to taste the next one.

NotPadma gathers the Masters and reveals the results.

• Chef Hubert got five correct.

• Chef Rick got six right.

• Chef Anita got six right.

• And Chef Michael got ... seven right. He wins the challenge.

So, as a result, the ratings are ...

• Chef Michael: Five stars

• Chef Rick: Four stars

• Chef Anita: Four stars

• Chef Hubert: Three and a half stars

Elimination Challenge

NotPadma then announces that for this challenge, the Masters will be catering a lunch for a bunch of “Hollywood insiders.” And they will be getting some “help.” (I think we all know what that mean, don’t we boys and girls?)

And since being a chef means making good hiring choices and making sure the sous chefs execute their visions well, the Masters will have to pick which helpers they would like.

Now entering the GE™ Monogram Kitchen Of Death, twelve previous season Top Chef finalists (and one “winner”). They are ...

• Chef Fabio (Season Five): The Spicy Meat’a’ball

• Chef Dale (Season Four): The Big Brother Houseguest

• Chef Betty (Season Two): The Soup And Sandwich

• Chef C.J. (Season Three): What’s Six-Seven And Can Juggle One Ball?

• Chef Alex (Season Five): Who?

• Chef Antonia (Season Four): The Designated Mom

• Chef Jamie (Season Five): The Scallop

• Chef Richard (Season Four): The “Scallop”

• Chef Spike (Season Four): The Frozen Scallop

• Chef Elia (Season Two): The One Whose Hair Grew Back Nicely

• Chef Brian (Season Three): The Fishmonger Who Bequeathed His Hats To Spike

• Chef Ilan (Season Two): No Longer The Most Controversial Winner

The Masters then get to interviewing the Chefs. And what a contrast in styles it is.

First off, it seems that Chef Michael must have never seen an episode of Top Chef since he clearly seems to not have the first idea as to what these chefs can do. Adopting what we’ll call the Mussolini Management Style, he hammers the chefs with hard questions like “what’s my name, maggot?” and makes them sprint around the kitchen to find carrots and dice them properly. Oh, and they are to answer these questions while running and polishing his shoes.

It’s pretty damn humiliating for the chefs. Some begrudgingly accept the task. (After all, is it the role of a lowly private to question the angry drill sergeant?) Fabio, for instance, rather expected this kind of thing from a fellow Italian. But some, thinking they are far above such menial tasks, try to resist.

Spike, for one, adopts the smarmy used-car-salesman “don’t you know who I am?” approach and suggests he and Michael get to know each other rather than run around looking for orange veggies. (Partner in douchebaggery, Ilan, seems to encourage this approach.) I sense this is the same approach Spike uses when asked to pay his overdue rent.

Elsewhere, the other Masters, partly because they’re familiar with the chefs and partly because they don’t feel the need to be fascist dictators from the ‘30s for the viewers, take more subtle approaches to personnel management.

Chef Rick tries to find chefs who relate most to his Mexican flavors. He also informs C.J. that touristy Mexican resort towns are not, in fact, Mexico. Rick is particularly intrigued with Chef Richard (despite Richard’s lack of experience with this particular cuisine) because of what Rick saw when he judged Richard during his season.

Similarly, Chef Hubert tries to find which of the chefs have experience in French cuisine. He also looks for that rarity of TC contestants, one who will not reflexively spit out the line, “I am not a pastry chef.”

We learn that Chef Anita has worked with Jamie some nine years ago at the Michigan Women’s Music Festival when Anita’s restaurant was just starting out. So, she’ll use Jamie’s know-how about her colleagues to make her hiring choices.

After a fake-out scene involving Chef Michael’s neurotic need to ask people how to pronounce his name (It’s key-o-RELL-o, damnit!), we’re back to see the Masters pick their helpers.

Since Michael won the last challenge, he gets to pick first. And he picks Fabio. (This seems to disappoint Fabio somewhat, since he also wanted to work with Hubert.)

Betty seems to speak for everyone when she says that everyone’s goal is to work with Hubert and not with Michael.

As the schoolyard pick continues, the last chefs to be chosen are Betty and Spike. But evil genius that he is, Rick, picks Betty which leaves Hubert saddled with asshole extraordinaire, Spike.

Naturally, Spike makes it seem that the fact that no one wanted him on his team is some kind of compliment. He actually thinks this means that they’re frightened he will “outshine their food.” (Oh, to be able to see the twisted Rube Goldberg device that lives under that stupid hat.)

The teams work out as follows:

• Team Michael: Fabio, C.J. & Brian

• Team Hubert: Antonia, Elia & Spike

• Team Rick: Richard, Alex & Betty

• Team Anita: Jamie, Dale, Ilan

The teams get to planning, and again they are a contrast in styles.

Hubert consults with his chefs to see what their strengths are and how they can add their own twists to his menu.

Rick tries a similar approach, trying to incorporate the chefs’ strengths (and Richard’s molecular gastronomy fetish) into his menu.

Michael, staying true to form, issues his edicts and commands each chef to perform specific functions. (In his defense, he really seems totally unfamiliar with these chefs, since he seems to express regret that he doesn’t have time to learn what their strong points are. ... But maybe he might have if he didn’t waste it with that whole boot-shining task?)

And Chef Anita is basically lost, opting for a novel “safe-but-not-too-safe” cuisine.

Half of the folks head off to the Health Care Is Not A Human Right Grocery™ for supplies while the other half make their way to a restaurant supply shop.

Absolutely nothing interesting happens here.

The gang gets back to the kitchen with three and a half hours to cook. And, again, the contrast in styles is astounding.

Rick, the master of OCD, is obsessively organized and has his team label refrigerators and such. Meanwhile Michael instructs his team to stack stuff anywhere and he’ll figure out where it goes later.

This then leads to the preview clip of the season wherein Michael confronts Dale (having the audacity to refer to a lesser helper chef 15 years his junior as “young man”) about his taking up fridge space he thought he had already claimed.

Dale, Lord God King Dickwad, decides to channel his inner Bad Girls Club cast member, and get all up in Michael’s face about this. All that’s missing from the scene is a bad weave, slashed tires and Judge Judy to officiate.

Michael, who clearly would give as good a he gets under most circumstances, has the sense Dale does not. Seeing as he’s a grown man with a reputation and a thriving business, he stands and steams while the angry chihuahua jumps and yelps in his ear.

But, oh, how I’d love to have seen him vivisect and fricassee Dale and serve him as an entree.

Dale aside, though, it is more than clear that Michael’s domineering approach in the kitchen (and his lack of knowledge and appreciation for the chefs' talents) has earned him no friends, with all the chefs either expressing outright disdain or only begrudging support.

As for the other teams, Rick has decided to let Richard do his molecular gastronomy thing all over some avocado ice cream and Anita’s lack of imagination has her opting for a raw bar approach to the lunch.

As the preparations continue, we see that, robbed of a singular focus on scallops, Jamie  is very slowly working her way through cleaning and prepping the seafood. Anita then remembers that this was Jamie’s problem back when they worked together on all those Olivia cruises.

The next day, we see they have only 2 1/2 hours to prepare and everyone is picking up the pace ...

Until ...

NotPadma pops into the kitchen wearing what appears to be a top with no bottom. Surprise! There’s a twist! The lunch won’t be in the dining room there, but rather someplace clear across town!

The chefs have to now stop all their prep in mid-prep, pack up everything and move to the new venue. And since some menus (particularly Chef Michael’s) have some items actually on the stove at this point, this can’t be good.

Amusingly, it’s the cheftestants who predicted the twist which has left the Masters flat-footed. (And Richard takes this as another opportunity to take a swipe at Michael.)

They pack up and move. (Personally, I think this is just an excuse to showcase the versatility of Saran Wrap™ products.)

At the new locale, the chefs kick into high gear. Except for Jamie who’s still working on opening a clam. (Write your own joke here.)

Suddenly, NotPadma interrupts the progress again to command everyone follow her to the rooftop terrace where the lunch will be served. Surprise! This is where the event will be.

Anita’s heart drops as she realizes that she’s planned a raw bar, which is not best staged on a hot summer day in direct sunlight. That is, if you don’t plan on murdering your guests.

Michael, too, is worried, since some of his dishes are mayonnaise-based and could similarly lead to a scene right out of Airplane! The Movie.

Oh, and there’s one more surprise! Each Master will now have to cut one member of their team!

Grumbles all around. Fabio expounds on sweaty mountain goats at the beach and the cuts begin.

Chef Michael cuts Brian, since he finished all his prep already. Chef Hubert cuts Spike because he’s just too threatened that Hat Boy will outshine his food. Chef Rick cuts Betty since she was just going to be working on the table’s visual presentation. And Chef Anita cuts Jamie because she’s the slowest lesbian oyster shucker on Earth.

With only one hour left, the teams head back to the kitchen, reformulate their plans as best they can and sprint to the finish line. In a last-ditch attempt to show that she actually does have a personality, Anita spends her hours cursing a blue streak.

The teams set up their tables and Richard gets in another dig at Michael, saying his table looks like “a wedding from 1987,” specifically that of Pam Dawber and Mark Harmon.

The “Hollywood insiders” appear. And they’re so “inside,” there isn’t a single recognizable face. (Then again, you could look at Meg Ryan, Lara Flynn Boyle and Melanie Griffith and not see a recognizable face there, either.)

The critics then arrive. Joining NotPadma are the critics, famed World Eater Jay Raynor, Elvis conquest Gael Greene and some Gimbels floorwalker who teleported in from the 1940s.

They first arrive at Chef Anita’s station. She’s doing an Asian buffet with the previously mentioned, unfortunate raw bar. She also does offer what appears to be a delicious pork dish as well.

Next is Chef Michael’s messy Italian buffet. He has risotto and three kinds of antipasti along with swordfish and two desserts. Gael says she’s not impressed with the flavors but is impressed with the cooking. (Personally, I don’t understand that. But, I’m a moron about these things, so I’ll trust her.) They all think that the swordfish, while tasty, is “odd looking.”

Up third is Team Hubert. He has a menu of a whopping 17 (!!) items. It would be shorter to list the items NOT offered. Asked about all this by the gushing critics, the Master gives all credit to his amazing team of women. (No, not you, Spike.)

When they get to eating his dishes, the critics are so totally effusive that it’s pretty clear as to who’s winning this shooting match.

Last, it’s off to sample Chef Rick’s dishes. He’s prepared a selection of Mexican dishes, topped off with Richard’s liquid nitrogen-assisted, made-on-the-spot avocado ice cream. The critics find it all beautiful and delicious. “It takes like Mexico,” says the floorwalker.

Lou Dobbs then sweeps in, throws a bag over his head and shoves him into a waiting panel truck for a free trip back home.

Before you know it, we’re at ...

Critics Table

The chefs stand. The critics question. You know the drill.

(Incidentally, there’s a Bravo poll thrown in here amidst the commercials about who would win in a fist fight, Dale or Michael. My faith in America is restored for a moment when I see that 76% gave the belt to Michael. ... Eat it, Dale!)

After the discussions about good food, unfortunate choices and personnel management skills, the critics have made their decisions.

First NotPadma addresses the top two chefs, Rick and Hubert.

After the ratings are tallied ...

• Chef Rick earns a total of ...  21 1/2 stars

• Chef Hubert earns a total of ... 892 stars 22 stars (Hubert wins the challenge!)

And for the bottom two ...

• Chef Anita earns a total of  ... 17 stars

• Chef Michael earns a total of ... 19 1/2 stars

Anita is out. She leaves the kitchen with a bigger smile than she had the entire run of the show.

Curious. Who knew she had one?

Next time on Top Chef Masters: The finale! More “helpers,” it seems. I pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I don’t have to see Chef Art again. And five Top Chef winners (well, three winners and two “winners”) rate the dishes.