Top Chef Las Vegas: Dec Onst Ruc Tingd Ishes

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Dec Onst Ruc Tingd Ishes
September 23, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: Your gentle blogger had to do this fool thing from memory since he was blogging his way across America. As it was, the chefs cooked in the great outdoors in a challenge that was both picturesque and totally unnecessary. In the end, BrotherBryan won the challenge and Mattin got sent packing for making a ceviche sixteen ways, none of which were any good.

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When we last left this tale, we were writing recaps at 20,000 feet. Where were we heading? San Francisco, where we intended to (among other things) eat at Hubert Keller’s stellar Fleur De Lys and then stop in at Chef Mattin’s Iluna Basque. At the latter establishment, we hoped to meet the ousted Top Chef contestant and see this week’s show. Will have a complete recap of that evening for you next week (seeing as TC will be a re-run). But as a special treat, this week your recap will be as we saw it, sitting in a restaurant, watching the Pacific Coast feed. (This becomes pertinent later.)

Wow. Cute place. Oh, look! There’s Mattin now! I hope he remembers that I told him we were coming. And isn’t that cute? All the servers are wearing the little red neckerchiefs!

Aw, thanks, Mattin. Yes, we’d love a table where we can see the TV. (That’s ironic, since those who know me know that I loathe the expanding presence of TVs in restaurants. But in this case, it’s helpful.)

Show’s starting!

Oh, I see. There’s no audio and the show’s closed captioned. That makes sense, considering there are diners who probably don’t want to hear it.

Morning after footage. My, how cute is that? It looks like Mattin left behind about a hundred neckerchiefs when he left and all the chefs are putting them on the next day as a tribute to their fallen comrade! That’s so cute!

Mattin! Mattin! Look up! Do you see this? It’s about you! That’s odd. He’s not looking up. I thought the contestants never saw the episodes until they aired. Maybe someone told him about this already. Anyway …

Is Chef DoucheyMike trashing Chef Scatterbrain Robin again? Sheesh. Is this a motif this season, or what?

I can’t make out who’s saying what in this text. Why is someone talking about rattlesnakes all of a sudden?

Chef Honorary Dude Jennifer seems to be onboard with the whole Robin-doesn’t-deserve-to-still-be-here thing. Curious.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs all arrive in the GE Boobytraps™ Kitchen where they are greeted by Padma and superchef Michelle Bernstein. The ladies giggle at the chefs who are (almost) all wearing Mattin’s kerchiefs. (In fairness, I think Robin is using hers as an armband, perhaps?)

Padma explains something about another Vegas cliché, going back to the Sin City well for the second time this season. The way they’re making this make sense this time is that playing off the “devil” and “angel” on their shoulders, the chefs will have to create a duo of something or other, with one side being healthy and another being artery-clogging.

And on a menu, it’s sure not to be ordered for this very duality.

Oh, and the winner will get immunity in the elimination challenge, but no fancy p-p-p-poker chip.

Go!

Oh, I see they’re plugging that chicken stock again. Grand. Wow, this is going too fast. I can’t tell what’s going on. Is that …? Wait … what? Is this some kind of truncated version of the show we’re seeing?

I think that was Chef My Heart Be Still Ash saying something about a custard. And Robin’s bringing up her cancer experience somehow, though I can’t tell how that plays into this duo thing.

Hmm, I think Ash said something about “heated eggs.” Perhaps something’s wrong with his custard. Sad face.

Time!

Tasting. Chef BrotherMichael made a … what? Chef Kevin … Chef Ron … Damn! This is going too fast! What’s happening?

Chef Sad Ashley … Chef Gnomish Eli … Chef BrotherBryan ….

I totally don’t get what a “devil” or “angel” have to do with any of these. Maybe if I could hear this? But I doubt it.

Chef Jennifer … Chef Ash seems distraught. Not a good sign. I think he said something about time screwing things up for him here.

Oh, now it’s Robin’s turn. She’s telling her cancer story. She’s saying something about cooking healthy and sugar being her “devil.” I wonder if her story will automatically make her the winner here, or if her food’s good too?

Chef Laurine … Chef DoucheyMike The Eye-Roller … Did I see one of the judges say his dish was “too salty?” Ooh, he doesn’t look happy. Ha.

Judging.

The three worst? Ash’s unfinished custard, BrotherBryan’s high-concept something-er-other and Laurine’s “nothing new” thing.

And the favorites? BrotherMichael’s “bite,” Eli’s something-that-went-by-too-fast that was “awesome,” and Robin’s “simple” duo of lymphoma-tale.

And the winner is … Robin! The rest of the gang shoots daggers through their eyeballs which don’t need closed captioning to be read.

Golf claps.

Elimination Challenge

Now entering the kitchen, another Vegas cliché, your über-Libertarian magicians Penn and Teller! Chat, chat, chat. Magic trick. Balls. Clear cups. Surprise.

It’s really interesting the first three or four dozen times you see them do it. It really is. I think I passed that point some ten years ago, though. (Not that I could do it myself, mind you.)

And how does this create a theme for the challenge? Well, the chefs will have to make “magic” by deconstructing some classic dishes in such a way that when the dish is put back together on the fork, it tastes like the original dish.

Now that's a tie-in. (None of that “Go to the Magic Castle and make smoke for a wizard” shit that they did on Top Chef Masters for these guys.)

Out comes the knife block. The chefs pick knives/classic dishes.

• Jennifer: Meat Lasagna

• BrotherMichael: Caesar Salad

• Ash: Shepherd’s Pie

• Robin: New England Clam Chowder

• Eli: Sweet And Sour Pork

• Laurine: Fish And Chips

• Kevin: Chicken Mole Negro

• BrotherBryan: Reuben Sandwich

• DoucheyMike: Eggs Florentine

• Ashley: Pot Roast

• Ron: Paella

The chefs will be “serving in pairs” to the judges, though I’m not sure what that really means in terms of the challenge. Did I see her mention … Oh, drat, yes. That Asshole-Among-All-Assholes Toby “The Talking Scrotum” Young will be back. Well, at least I don’t have to HEAR him this week.

Time to get their supplies at the Sorry About Your Cancer, Tough Noogies Mart™. Did that shopping trip get two seconds of time? Now I’m sure we’re watching a truncated version of the show. Is this some special satellite feed I don’t know about?

I think DoucheyMike said something about being uncomfortable with this for some reason. And BrotherMichael seems to be in his element, though it’s hard to tell since he and his brother seem to possess exactly one facial expression between them.

Someone said something snotty about BrotherMichael baking his own bread. Who was that? Was that his brother?

Oh dear. I see that Jennifer seems to be stumped on this. That can’t be good.

And Ron got [bleep]ed a few times, so I can’t tell what he’s doing with his paella. Ah, Eli’s saying that Ron doesn’t know what “deconstructing” a dish means. I think I get it now.

Eli’s showing off his personal pressure cooker that looks like your random car in a lesbian neighborhood (i.e., held together with bumper stickers). And speaking of lesbians,  Ashley’s letting us know that when she grew up in the woods, they only ate nuts and berries and never HAD pot roast.

Or that’s what I think she said.

Now, I gather that we must have heard a sound here, since everyone is now looking surprised. Yep, Eli’s saying that his pressure cooker exploded and it may have injured a chef?

Over to RobinLand. She tells us that she doesn’t like clam chowder, so she’s making a flan instead. … And this has nothing to do with having immunity.

Again, I get confused. Someone’s saying things that don’t seem to make any sense. Who’s talking? Now someone’s saying (again) how Robin is annoying. More non sequiturs. Laurine seems pissed. Damn this non-audio thing!

But I get it. Robin is a pill. And it’s Laurine’s turn to be mad at her.

Hey, Tom’s here! When did that happen?

Ash describes his dish. Tom think Ash doesn’t know what exactly he’s doing.

Jennifer does that “one minute” gesture with her finger. Is she blowing off Tom?

Tom goes to Ashley’s table. Did he talk to her? Now he’s at Ron’s. Ron seems to be asking Tom what he should do. Is that a good idea?

Now Tom’s at Jennifer’s station. She seems hella-rushed and doesn’t seem the least bit like she wants to talk and I’m guessing the closed captioning couldn’t keep up with all she said in the span of two seconds. Tom speeds away.

Time’s up!

Hmm. Now they’re back home at Casa Cuisine. I guess they serve the next day.

Oh, now we get footage of the chefs sitting around talking about each other and their dishes.

Hey! Here's Mattin! (In person, not on TV.) Chat. Chat. Chat. Nice. Nice. Nice.

And I can’t see a damn thing that’s going on on the set. But this is more important.

Oh, Mattin, I was asked to find out if you had any questions for tonight’s eliminated chef?

“Oh, for Ron?”

Uh … yeah.

“Oh, sorry. We have a satellite and we saw what happened a few hours ago. I don’t know if you knew that he was the eliminated one already.”

Er, no. ... But now we do! … And we kind of figured. But it’s been great talking to you! We’ll chat some more after the show? Cool.

Now, where were we? Hmm. I gather that things have gotten heated in the house with folks coming down hard on Robin for her having won the Quickfire with a tale of woe and a simple dish and her general Robinness.

I’ll assume I’m now appropriately caught up.

Somehow it’s the next day and we’re in the kitchen someplace else. And I really have no idea what I missed. Perhaps overnight they all did displays of magic acts and Criss Angel: Mind Freak popped in to do a show wherein he made pork chops levitate. I don’t know.

I think someone’s saying something about “serving in pairs” but being judged individually, which seems to mean that they’ll be judged individually and the pairs thing means jack shit.

The guests, the fine judges and the Talking Scrotum arrive in the dining room.

Serving first are BrotherMichael and DoucheyMike. BrotherMichael’s deconstructed Caesar salad looks really interesting. DoucheyMike’s eggs Florentine looks messy.

The judges think the eggs dish is missing ingredients. And while they liked the Caesar salad creation, ScroteFace thinks it should explode. (??)

Then come Laurine and BrotherBryan. Laurine’s worried about how she only has a few workable chips for her fish and chips dish. They serve.

The judges do not enjoy Laurine’s fish and chips, finding the fish dry and the chips lacking. As for BrotherBryan’s robo-Reuben, the judges think it worked perfectly, but Penn and Teller both disagree.

In the kitchen, Ash and Jennifer prepare to come out next. I think Ash is saying something about something ELSE that’s gone wrong for him. (And we know how THAT always ends up for my favorite chef.) And Jennifer is disappointed in how her dish looks and fears she could face elimination for this.

They serve.

The judges positively gush over Jennifer’s deconstructed meat lasagna. But Poor Ash’s shepherd’s pie doesn’t fare well at all. The lamb seems underdone and the lack of potatoes in a potato-centric dish isn’t going over at all.

Then it’s time for Eli and Ron. Did Ron just say “it is what it is?”

If so, ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! If you had “It Is What It Is,” Chef Ron and Episode Six, come on down and claim your Make Your Own Kanye West Hedge Maze Hairstyle Kit now!

They serve.

Ron’s paella looks like, well, a paella served on a plate with the rice gathered in the middle. Eli’s sweet and sour pork dish looks like a serving of hush puppies.

No one seems to like the paella one bit. And when the judges taste Eli’s dish, someone says they look like “bull’s testicles.” I think Padma says that she’s had those before … and hilarity ensues. (Without the audio, this is worthless.)

Next, it’s Kevin and Ashley. As they carry their plates out, both of them think their dishes look awful.

They serve.

From what I can see past some dude’s back, I guess Kevin’s chicken mole went over well. And Ashley’s dish looks like it’s a home run.

And Robin serves last. She made flan. Padma says it tastes like some other soup. ScroteFace seems disgusted, much as if he was looking in a mirror, I assume.

Dinner over, it’s time for …

Judges’ Table

Padma enters the Stewed Room and calls up … Kevin, Ashley, Michael ... and Jennifer.

Here we totally crack up, since the on-screen graphic says, “[♫♫]  [suspenseful music] [♫♫]”.

Wasn’t Jennifer just saying something about her dish being awful? Or was that someone else?

Before the judges (and the talking skin pouch), the chefs hear how great each of their dishes were. And Jennifer gets singled out for having made such a great dish after having been such a mess the day before.

And the winner this week is … Kevin! (Yea!)

And, as the winner, Kevin wins a complete set of lead-coated Chinese-made cookware from the 99¢ store! Congratulations!

Meanwhile, back in the Stewed Room, someone is ragging on Robin for making “salad and crisps” and winning with that kind of thing. I think it was Ash (!). But without the audio, I get no sense of the tone of that statement.

The three losers are then called up. They are … Laurine, Ron and Ash.

“[♫♫]  [suspenseful music] [♫♫]”

You know, at this point, I could just get the check and go now, since a certain be-kerchiefed cheftestant already let the paella-making cat out of the bag, you know.

Anyway …

Ash is called out for his shepherd’s pie. He says he’s never tasted one he didn’t make himself. Laurine admits her fish was overcooked and explains her missing chips. And Ron is called out for his dry-yet-soggy rice which wasn’t deconstructed at all.

They are sent away so the judges can snark at each other.

There seems to be some kind of disagreement about someone’s pronunciation of paella and Barcelona. (The screen shows ScroteFace and something about “pie-ella” and “Bar-the-lona” so I gather he’s being his usual assholey self here.)

They call the chefs back in.

Ron’s sent back out to sea.

But we knew that already.

Check please!

Oh, and two red neckerchiefs, too!

Next time on Top Chef: Damn! Someone’s blocking the screen again. Oh well.