Top Chef Las Vegas: Thundercats, Go!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Thundercats, Go!
September 2, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The 62 remaining chefs were grouped by genitalia to cater what we were led to believe would be dueling bachelor/bachelorette parties. Ashley took the opportunity to speak up about marriage equality while, elsewhere, our “sibling rivalry” storyline progressed nicely. The chefs with two X chromosomes were determined to have made the lesser meals and Eve Of The Flat “A”s was sent packing.

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Morning-after footage. The female chefs ruminate on being the losing team last time. Chef Jennifer is pissed that she wasn’t among the top finalists this last time. Chef DoucheyMike finds it hysterical that he can subtract two from seventeen. And Chef Laurine speaks.

InvisiChefs speaking at this stage of the game is never a good thing.

Also on deck in the edit-of-doom batting box is Chef Jesse-Of-The-Masculine-Spelling. She’s really beating herself up since she’s been in the bottom of almost every challenge thus far. One more bottom-three finish and she may end up looking like a metallic Rhianna.

Quickfire Challenge

The Chef Caravan arrives at the Days Inn Resort & Casino™. What incongruous Vegas cliché will greet them in the kitchen today, pray tell? Shall we see a parade of Liberaces appear? Shall Cirque du Soleil acrobats be hanging from the rafters? Or will the kitchen simply be filled with this week’s mystery ingredient, cigarette smoke?

Let’s find out.

Once the chefs enter, they’re greeted by Padma and this week’s guest judge (and Top Chef Masters contestant) Mark Peel … and a table overflowing with … potatoes.

Yes, it’s the Slingblade challenge! The chefs will have 45 minutes to make an otherworldly dish involving potatoes. (And it is strongly recommended you make ample use of this week’s sponsored chicken broth if you know what’s good for you.)

Go!

 Jennifer grabs mussels and gets to work. Chef Ron (Wasn’t that a movie? With Kurt Russell? No?) chooses some yellowtail snapper because he’s a cooking Bob Marley or some such. (Don’t expect it to make sense. That ganja does stuff to your brains.)

Chef Ash figures potatoes are boring, so he’s got the idea to make a sweet potato ice cream for his dish. (Interesting.)

Jesse opts to make soup because it is “comforting.” (She may need lots of soup before this is all done.)

DoucheyMike gets all douchey as he condescends directly through the fourth wall to explain that risotto is not rice itself, but rather a rice-like style of preparing something. (Douchieness achieved. Carry on.)

Chef Ashley, meanwhile, is making the risky choice of making gnocchi in 45 minutes, setting up … well, you just wait, missie.

Chef Preeti, on the other hand, is preparing some kind of colorful potato and vegetable combo. And as she works, Chef Kevin does her a favor by telling her that one of two large pots sitting on the stove is blanch water which she can use for her asparagus.

(Personally, I don’t get this, since I would assume Blanche water has something to do with the toiletries used in A Streetcar Named Desire. But what do I know?)

But here’s where the drama happens. In the time it takes Preeti to go off and cut her veggies, someone has moved the specified pot of water, leaving only the other one there. And that was water which had been set to boil by Ashley for her time-crunch gnocchi. Preeti throws her asparagus in the pot.

Oooh, I sense a lesbian fist fight a-comin’!

Suddenly, Ashley arrives to use her water and sees it has been usurped by the competition. Understandably, she’s pissed off and … and … somehow manages to complete her dish.

Hey! Wha’? We were promised a fist fight!

Even Chef Jennifer notes that had Preeti done that to her, she wouldn’t have been nearly as understanding.

Curious. This must have something to do with that secret lesbian code of ethics I don’t know about.

Elsewhere, Ash’s sweet potato ice cream is not coming together, as the ice cream maker is not turning it into, well, ice cream. He figures that cursing at the machinery, calling it a “mother-flower” should help.

As time runs out, Jesse tastes her soup and notices that it’s really spicy. But she had no time to remedy this. (D'oh!)

Time!

Padma and Mark arrive to taste.

Up first, Ash’s dish. Wisely, the chef decides to call it “a chilled sweet potato custard” instead of ice cream. And, interestingly, they seem to like it.

Next, Chef BrotherBryan’s potato thank-you-spellchecker vichyssoise. Nice.

Over to Preeti and her someone-else’s-water potatoes and veggies. Very nice.

Then it’s Chef BrotherMichael’s confit take on a tuna fish sandwich. Mixed reviews there.

Off to Jennifer’s potatoes three ways with steamed mussels. It certainly looks delicious. And it sounds like it tastes good too.

Chef Robin made three different potatoes and dropped a fried egg on top because breakfast is “one of (her) favorite meals” of the day. It’s right up there with lunch and dinner.

Chef Hector also made three potatoes. (Or a three-way of potatoes. I don’t know anymore, since this is all making me dizzy.) He’s my compatriota boricua, but it is damn hard to understand him when he gets going really fast. Could he just talk in Spanish and have someone provide subtitles for everyone else?

Laurine’s prepared an “out of the world, vegetarian” dish. (Did I miss somewhere that she’s a vegetarian chef? Because I’m sensing a repeating theme here.) What she has made is a potato burger, with the potato as the meat and portobello mushrooms as the bun.

Chef Mattin has made a poached cod with (you guessed it) three different potatoes.

(Does anyone remember that Schoolhouse Rock ditty, “Three Is A Magic Number?” Because I can’t get it out of my head now and I need to infect someone else with it if I am to get it out.)

Kevin’s decided to be a rebel and only use two different potatoes for his bacon-y dish. It also looks delish.

Next is DoucheyMike with his potato risotto. (Or is it risotto’ed potatoes, oh great teacher of the kitchen? I bow to your wisdom.) Mark find it “a little salty.” Da Douche makes sad face. Pityingly, Padma calls it “a nice idea.” Da Douche smiles broadly, thinking he’s getting some.

Then it’s Ashley’s turn. It seems she was somehow able to finish her potato gnocchi with mushrooms. Not only was she able to complete it, but she was able to make her own ricotta cheese to go with it. (Wha? Wow.)

Last -- at least, I hope he’s last because this is getting crazy -- is Chef Eli who is “from the South,” in case you need reminding. As such, he’s made a yam purée with pistachios. Clearly speaking with something in her mouth, Padma asks the chef if he shelled the pistachios himself. He did not, he replies. All “14 million pistachios” were pre-shelled. Which makes it all the more painful when she spits out the one shell that made it onto her forkful.

Ron (Damn! There are too many chefs!) presents his Sunsplash Reggae Festival yellowtail potato thing. Whatever.

And Jesse (Aren’t we done yet?!) finally gets to present her cayenne soup. It’s spicy. Really spicy. As she realizes this Jesse prepares to sock herself in the eye. (I have $10 down that Jesse takes herself down by a K.O. in the fifth.)

At last, we get though the kazillion dishes and Mark reveals his decision. Since he was just a contestant in the Top Chef Masters and didn’t do too well in the Quickfire, he is most delicate in his critiques, blaming most missteps on the time element.

His least favorite dishes were Eli’s too-sweet yams, Ron’s bland yams on overcooked fish and … Jesse’s over-spiced soup.

Pow! She gives herself an uppercut to the jaw! … That’s gotta hurt!

As for the favorites, Mark picks Jennifer’s potatoes and mussels, Ashley’s gnocchi and … Ash’s sweet potato not-ice-cream-but-custard.

Having predicted his would be the worst disaster, Ash just about bites through his cheek to keep from laughing at this point.

And the winner is … Jennifer! (Yea!)

DoucheyMike, say something douchey now.

“And Jen gets the win! It’s favoritism to me, at this point! YaknowwhatImean? Whatever! Whatever! YaknowwhatI’msayin’, so if I put a little potato broth on my plate, I’M gonna win? But, I don’t care. I’ll get her.”

Thank you. That’s two for two. But will you be able to pull off the douchey hat trick this week?

Elimination Challenge

Padma then announces the arrival of a “special” guest. A man in a uniform enters. He’s a colonel in the Air Force and, it seems pretty clear, a pretty important guy as these things go.

He announces that the chefs will be transported out to a nearby Air Force base which is home to the world-famous Rankin/Bass squad Thundercats. There, they will be preparing a meal for some 300 airmen and women and their families, many of whom have just returned from or will soon be deploying to combat zones. Oh, and there’s a twist.

The chefs will all be working as one team. And they won’t know what ingredients they will get to use nor their cooking conditions until they get there.

This throws most of the chefs into a tizzy.

Back at Casa Cuisine, the chefs gather for an impromptu meeting. Seeing as they’re all one big team here, they take the proverbial knife block into their own hands. Without being told to divide up, the gang, led by spokesdouche Mike (being quite reasonable, actually), comes to the conclusion that they will divide into seven teams of two, each team getting to make one dish. And since Jennifer won immunity in the Quickfire, she can be in charge of the whole operation.

If it goes well, she can get the credit. And if it doesn’t she doesn’t have to worry about being eliminated. (Plus, whomever she would be paired with wouldn’t have to worry about being the only possible knife packer.)

Since Jennifer does this kind of thing every day, she’s happy with that job.

And with that, the chefs pick “teams.”

• Preeti teams up with Laurine because they are both from San Francisco. The shall be Team Rice-A-Roni.

• Kevin and Eli pair up because they are both from Atlanta. And fat. They shall be Team Sweet Tea.

• DoucheyMike goes with BrotherMichael because they’ve worked together before. They shall be Team M4M.

• Having been deprived the option of working with his brother, BrotherBryan matches up with Mattin. They shall be Team Frere Jacques.

• Ashley teams up with Ash. They shall be Team Too Ashy (a/k/a Team Sexual Tension).

• Hector joins forces with Robin. They shall be Team Giant & The Bad Jew.

• Which leaves Jesse and Ron to be the final team. They shall be Team Weakest Link.

Ron complains about this assignation, since unlike Jesse, he hadn’t been in the bottom of an elimination challenge yet. (Sorry. Deal with it.)

Early the next morning, we get to see the chefs get ready to go to the base. And we notice that Robin has the exact same hair as Eli and DoucheyMike. (How did I not notice this before?)

The caravan then arrives at the base and the chefs get to see the kitchen. Let the cursing begin!

The kitchen is a standard-issue military one. This means that there are no stoves, pots or pans, only industrial vats I couldn’t begin to know names of. As for the food, the kitchen is stocked with hundreds of canned and dried foods, all of which are of this mysterious Black-And-White-Adhesive-Tape brand.

Jesse asks if this one black tape-covered item is Spam™. We never hear an answer. But one wonders how Bravo let that one slide.

Later, Kevin tells us that he wasn’t at all surprised by the military kitchen because, while in high school, he was part of the Reserve Officers' Training Chefs and it’s the same as he saw there.

As the chefs inspect the ingredients, BrotherMichael find a side of bacon and decides to do something with that. His teammate DoucheyMike volunteers to make a Greek salad to go with it.

With four hours to cook, Jennifer fulfills her role as executrix while everyone remains flummoxed by the lack of blenders, etcetera. And while cooking commences, let’s have the obligatory “we’re doing it for the troops” moment.

Step one, BrotherMichael salutes the troops. (And we learn that his and BrotherBryan’s sister is actually in the Air Force now.)

Step two, Preeti salutes the troops. She says that the tragedy of 9/11 is actually what made her want to become a chef.

“We all experienced the events of that day in many ways,” she says, “and for me the only thing that made sense was to cook. And then I went to culinary school a few years later.”

Huh? … Like, she figured if she became a chef, eight years later she could be good enough that she could compete on a reality show and make a pasta salad for the troops. … Or is there something I’m missing?

Is this a San Francisco thing that I’m just not getting?

Anyhoo ….

Salute over. Back to cooking.

While BrotherMichael works on his pork bellies in lettuce cups idea, Douchehead goes to work on his Greek shrimp salad. Which he’s sure will be a winner, because his background is Greek.

And BrotherBryan and Mattin get cracking on their creation, which Mattin says will be Franco-American SpaghettiOs. (Perhaps I heard that wrong.)

Kevin and Eli, meanwhile, are making a Southern cooking spectacular with pork shoulder and potato salad. This should ensure that our troops are as fit and ready for combat as an Army of fightin’ Art Smiths.

Over on Team “Oh No, Not Again,” Jesse tells Ron that she wants to make a New England clam chowder because it will be “really easy.” Ron, who is some kind of prize-winning chowderhead, thinks he can do this well, even if it’s something of a risk to make a hot, hearty soup on a blazing hot day in the desert.

What the hell, he figures. He’s doing it “for the troops.”

Elsewhere, Hector is explaining something about the dish he and Robin are making to Jennifer, who is busily taking notes, pretending mightily to understand what it is he just said. I can only assume she looked at the chicken in front of him and was able to figure it out on her own.

When he talks to us, he says something about Mexicans eating chili even though it’s hot there. He explains that because the chili’s hot, it makes you sweat and it “pulls you down.” (Coos you crown? Woos you noun?)

Team Ash² works on their bread pudding, which they hope will invoke the spirit of “you got your chocolate in my peanut butter; you got our peanut butter in my chocolate.”

Oh, I guess we’re not done saluting the troops. Ash, you’re up.

Step three, Ash salutes the troops. Without being asked, he tells that us that his father was in the Navy and his brother was a Marine. (THAT should have made for some interesting dinner table conversations.)

Salute finished, we next look in on Laurine and Preeti. They’re making a vegetarian pasta salad. (Ruh-row, Shaggy. Don’t they know that the flavorless combo of lesbians and pasta salad don’t go well together on this show?)

As the cooking progresses, Ron tells us that he and Jesse are worried that they’re not going to be able to get in to use the mondo-skillet (or whatever it’s called) in time. He notes that Preeti and Laurine are using it and “Frenchy” is set to use it next.

... Said the Haitian.

But one need not have worried, as Super Jen is running the kitchen like a well-oiled machine. She’s masterful and on-point. (I so want to marry this woman and have her boss me around. … Really. … Don’t ask.)

Cooking flurry!

The food is loaded up into the carts and it’s off to the hangar for lunch.

At the venue, the tables are set up and after some concern about Preeti and Laurine’s pasta salad and Jesse and Ron’s clam chowder, it’s time for service.

Moments later, a Humvee pulls up, and out of it steps a set of legs a mile long. We’re instantly transported to a ZZ Top video.

Once the dust clears, we realize it’s Padma and the gang, ready to sample the dishes. And right behind them come the 300 some-odd airmen and their guests.

Wait! Time to salute the troops again.

Step four, BrotherBryan salutes the troops. He says it’s a “proud moment.”

Salute over. Time to eat.

Hold on. Not done yet. Jesse? Have you saluted the troops yet?

“It’s an honor to …”

OK, you’re taken care of. Now can we eat?

Finally, Padma and the gang arrive at the first station.

They get to Preeti and Laurine’s pasta salad and DoucheyMike’s Greek shrimp salad.

This is followed by Jesse and Ron’s clam chowder and Hector and Robin’s three-bean chili.

Without pause, we move on to Kevin and Eli’s “taste of the South” braised pork shoulder with potato salad. Kevin has a bonding moment with the colonel over being from the South.

Oops! We forgot to have Kevin salute the troops. Kevin, you’re up.

“I take the military very seriously. My grandfather fought in World War II on D-Day ...”

OK. Now we know why this is a supersized episode. We need 15 minutes for each person seen on camera to make individual salutes.

Now, back to the food.

Hold up. Nope. We have to see the colonel thank the diners/airmen individually for their service. Now, back to Kevin about the importance of the military and … Now, back to the food.

The judges arrive at DoucheyMike’s station where he presents BrotherMichael’s pork belly lettuce-taco things which is followed by BrotherBryan and Mattin’s roasted beef strip.

Finally, the judges get to taste the food. While they do, we get to hear the diners enthuse on how good everything is. One gets the impression that there were no real missteps, so the judging will have to be on imagination and choice of dishes, I figure.

BrotherBryan and Mattin’s dish is praised. Preeti and Laurine’s pasta salad is considered a “half job” which was “too salty.”

Hector and Robin’s chicken chili gets high marks. Jesse and Ron’s clam chowder raises the expected questions about appropriateness, but it seems to work well for what it is.

Kevin and Eli’s pork shoulder is a definite hit. And BrotherMichael’s bacon pork belly is “super-mega delicious.” But they can’t stand DoucheyMike’s accompanying Greek salad.

Finally, Ash and Ashley’s bread pudding gets mixed reviews. It’s “a bit dense” but works as a peanut butter cup.

And with no dish on which to judge, they’re called on to rate Jennifer’s performance as executive chef. Since everything went well, they say that she did well. (But, oh, if they could have seen the job she did behind the scenes!)

Once the dining is over, we see the chefs pack up. And then the colonel gathers the chefs to salute them for saluting the troops. He honors them and then honors the service members’ individual service and then we all salute them again.

Oh, and we have to stop again since we never got to see Robin salute the troops. Robin, go!

“I got teary-eyed … We made our country proud.”

Salute. Applause. Tears. Salute done.

Nope. We missed Ron. Ron, salute!

“This is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. … But when it became a reality, it hit home.”

OK. Are we done now? Or are we going to make Frenchy salute too? (‘Cause I’m pretty sure they’re not his troops. And Bill O’Reilly tells us that the French HATE our troops, so that would be pretty unexpected.)

Fakeout scene!

Watch the straight boy chefs enthuse over big planes and such.

Fakeout scene over!

At long last, we’re back in the Stewed Room. Ash is heard saluting the troops, despite his being “a crazy pacifist.” We cut to Ashley who we figure is having an inner monologue about not being able to be part of that institution either. And then Padma arrives to call up the winning four, BrotherMichael, DoucheyMike, Eli and Kevin.

DoucheyMike whips out another one of his “cute” nicknames for the two Southern boys, “Come on, pork brothers!” and it’s off to …

Judges’ Table

Padma begins the questioning as the judges try to discern who deserves the individual win. We hear everyone talk about how they adored Kevin and Eli’s dish. And they’re all crazy about BrotherMichael’s pork creation also.

But during the Q and A, DoucheyMike lets on that the great pork taco thingy was BrotherMichael’s alone. He, instead, spent his time working on his lame Greek salad. (Ominously, nothing more is said about that.)

Mark gets to announce that the winner of the challenge is … BrotherMIchael! (Yea!)

BrotherMichael reminds us that, despite it not being a storyline this week, the “sibling rivalry” thing will continue, since each of them now has one elimination challenge win under his belt.

Padma then tells the winners to send in the losers, Preeti, Laurine … and, er, … DoucheyMike will have to come back in for that, too.

His DoucheyJaw drops.

“I’m frickin’ livid. I’m livid right now,” he tells us.

He heads back and delivers the news to the remaining chefs. They express shock that DoucheyMike is headed back in. “I guess it wasn’t a team today, but whatever, whatever.”

Moments later, the three losers are before the judges.

Doom gong!

Tom explains to the three that this week’s challenge was for them all to be one team and notes that they took it upon themselves to split up into pairs. (This lack of knife block, clearly, is to be the explanation for DM’s trip from the top to the bottom here.)

Still, DM is “downright pissed.” He explains that he just threw the Greek salad in as an afterthought. And that seems to be just what the judges did NOT want to hear.

Called out on that, he stammers.

“I wasn’t even sure about serving it,” he shrugs.

“Then you shouldn’t have served it,” shoots Padma. (Ooh, snap!)

The judges then direct their fire at the women. They break out the rubber hoses and Guantanamo devices to get one of the women to point at the other as the one who first suggested serving a pasta salad. The women, though, refuse to play along, frustrating the judges.

So, all they have to go on here is, basically, attitude. Laurine is somewhat apologetic about the dish, saying she forgot this was a competition. But Preeti gets defensive, suggesting that other dishes (namely, the clam chowder) weren’t very inventive either.

Getting nowhere with the women, Padma asks them if they BOTH would like to go home. “I would like NO ONE to go home,” answers Preeti.

“That’s not going to happen. Because this is a competition,” snaps Padma.

(TOP CHEF GAME ALERT: If you had Episode Three for first use of “this is a competition,” come down and claim your lifetime supply of Swanson’s Chicken Broth In A Box™ now!)

The chefs are sent away for the judges to deliberate.

DM is pouty. And the women express pride that they wouldn’t incriminate each other.

Once the judges have rehashed what they said already (and Gail reminds us that “this is a competition”), they have their decision.

The losers are called back in.

Blah, blah, blah. “This is a competition.” Blah, blah, blah. “That’s just not going to cut it.” Blah, blah, blah.

“Preeti, please pack your knives and go.”

And the Lesbian Pasta Salad Curse strikes again.

Next time on Top Chef: Cooking for some of the best French chefs in the world. And at the end of the Quickfire (!) one chef will be eliminated!