Project Runway: A Celebration Of Failure!

Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: A Celebration Of Failure!
October 8, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: The designers were split into pairs and for an astoundingly creative and unbearably challenging task: To create not one but TWO dresses using the color blue. When all was said and done, Irina won her second challenge with a couple of dresses which were acceptable. And Louise, sandbagged by an immunity-carrying Nicolas, made a couple of sad little numbers with awkward ruffles and was eliminated.

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Yes, the pressure has gotten to me. That and the general boredom of this season. So here’s the Runway Express.

The designers are again stunned that people keep leaving every week. We’re informed that, at this stage, people aren’t leaving due to a lack of talent. (We’ll just see about that, missy.)

During the previous Models Of The Runway show, we saw what would go next. That is, the designers picked models and The One The Crazy One Hated was eliminated. Oh, the humanity.

Back on this week’s Runway show, we see that Heidi is still carrying her Button Bag O’ Doom. That’s because this week the designers will be getting “new” models.

(And by “new” we mean someone else’s cast-offs.)

This is when a parade of women in some seriously tacky wedding dresses march out onto the runway. But this traditional wedding dress challenge will have a twist. And that’s because these ladies are divorcees and need to have these reminders of failed relationships turned into new dresses they can sell on e-bay take into the next stage of their lives.

Since Irina won the last challenge, she picks first and wisely goes for the lady wearing enough fabric to cover 13 sister-wives on a compound in Utah. As the rest of the designers pick, it seems pretty clear that the amount of material in the divorcees’ dresses is the deciding factor.

As we get down to two designers and two divorcees with relatively skimpy outfits, Gordana picks one wearing a dress with an applique detail and Shirin (ever the last one to choose) is stuck with a lady wearing a very simple, very skimpy white frock.

Back in the workroom, Shirin is downright despondent. Not only is there only about one yard of fabric with which to work, the outfit is 100% polyester, meaning that it can’t really be dyed without running the risk that it’s going to look like total crap.

And it only gets worse when the divorcees come in to discuss what they would like. Shirin’s divorcee is a total whack job. The lady actually wants Shirin to take the yard of fabric and make her a Cher costume, resplendent with feathers. Poor Shirin.

Most of the others are graced with clients who are sane. Notice we said, “most.”

Because Nicolas had drawn the short straw having selected an aging flower child (and part-time beat poet) whose biggest concern is that her outfit be “cruelty-free,” meaning no wool and certainly no fur.

As if he’d be getting fur with his $25 at Mood in the first place.

Later, Tim takes the gang to Mood where they can buy only a very minimal amount of fabric and Shirin goes mental once more. I think it’s the feathers.

Back in the workroom, Gordana offers us a biographical moment, which normally would indicate imminent departure. But to reward/compensate her, the producers pick her for the corporate synergy moment where she gets to phone home on the sponsorrific cell phone.

But … since her hands are all blue from the dye she’s been using to tint her fabric, she doesn’t handle the phone and instead speaks into it while it rests on the arm of the couch. This does not enable the camera to get a good shot of the logo and shoots this corporate opportunity straight to hell.

As a response to this transgression, the wireless company takes her family hostage and makes sure they’re not there to take her call, leaving the sad Serb to leave a teary message on voicemail and get back to work.

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Ms. Gordana, and I won't have it! Is that clear?!

That’ll learn ‘er!

When Tim makes his “talk to me” visits, he’s immediately impressed with Irina’s outfit, which, despite being 100% acetate, managed to take a dye and is now an almost metallic, coppery color. And the dress is looking pretty nice, too.

Most of the others, though, seem to be having some kind of crisis or other. Epperson has opted to create a dress with as little of the original dress as possible, using it only to create some kind of lab coat-looking thing. Tim sets him straight and reminds him that the majority of the dress is supposed to have come from the original fabric. He sets out to start over.

At Christopher’s station, there’s another mess in process. Actually, there isn’t much of anything. All he has is a black quasi-garment made out of stretch fabric. Questioned about this, the designer explains that what’s there is only the undercarriage of some other mess which will be sitting on top.

I’m scared.

Logan is another one with a mess on his hands, since he’s decided to listen to his client and, rather than creating a dress, he’s making a really ugly pant suit with pants made from some wool (?) he bought at Mood. To his credit, though, he’s retaining elements of the dress to use for a really ugly, ruffly top.

Tim is concerned.

And Shirin is now in full meltdown mode, staring forlornly at what still looks like the original dress with three peacock feathers shoved randomly into the neckline. Here is where Tim delivers the mentoring which makes him (and his role) so invaluable on this show and sets him apart from anyone else on any other reality show. Because, while he doesn’t tell Shirin exactly what to do, he advises her to regroup and start over, blocking out the parts of the design to create something new.

Well, that’s just what the wee lass needed, because suddenly she realizes that she can do one thing to change the color of the all-white polyester schmata: create a color pattern with colored thread. She goes into overdrive to get everything done in time.

Some time after this, the divorcees come back in for their fittings. And, as we saw before, most of them are sane.

Notice I said “most of them.” Nicolas’ lunatic is agog for his hideous creation and (actually) says she would want to have a child with the fey Feather Prince, which causes the human hangnail to break the fourth wall and look at the camera with a  “not on your life” expression.

Seriously, in what universe would this one be in the position to turn down a sexual offer from anyone? ... On second thought, don’t answer that. I don’t want to picture it. Ever.

And when Shirin’s client appears, she proves why she’s This Year’s Hedda Lettuce, trying on the new outfit and asking what the designer’s been doing with all her work time. She also wants the dress to be a lot shorter so everyone can get a good view of her lady business.

Shirin (wisely) pretends she didn’t hear the lady.

Come the runway show, we see that Nina still isn’t back and, while we do have Mr. Tangerine Man, Michael Kors, we’re stuck with two more forgettable fill-ins. (Is this why this is “the most talked-about season of Project Runway ever”?)

The gals come down the runway.

• Althea’s made a cute blue number which is skipped down the runway by her model. Nice job.

• Logan’s pant suit is just about the most awful thing I have seen all season. And, in the words of The Kors, the crotch is insane.

• Epperson, to my feeble, feeble mind, has pulled off something pretty. It’s a flowing white dress which is largely unspectacular, but with what I see as an Asian-inspired pattern of wide black stripes across the midsection which I think make it interesting.

• Shirin’s sassy gal is rocking the new dress which (if you look really carefully) has been transformed by a slightly different shape and (more so) by the blue thread pattern she has created.

• Nicholas’ birdbrain comes out wearing what strikes me as a macrame plant holder. But, of course, she’s Lady GaGa for the whole thing. To his credit, Nicolas knows his outfit sucks.

• Gordana managed to make the most out of her applique’d fabric and made a somewhat asymmetrical sleeveless sheath which the punk-loving, shag-wearing client rocks with knee-high boots. Personally, I don’t like it. But that’s me.

• Carole Hannah’s model looks nice from a distance in the now lavender dress with a black shrug. But looking more closely at the dyed acrylic lace, I think it looks like Rit-dyed Spanish moss stapled to the skirt.

• Irina’s model totally rocks her metallic, lacy outfit. And, while it’s nice, all I can think is that she’s gone from failed bride to mother-of-the-bride in 24 hours flat.

• And Christopher. Oh dear. What a total mess. Obviously, the designer wanted to “push the envelope,” but the lady looks like she’s wearing an oven bag.

(Hey, give me credit for recognizing an oven bag when I see it. It comes from one of my two failed attempts at cooking. … You don’t want to know how it turned out. … Then again, looking at that outfit, I think you can picture it.)



Heidi calls out Nicolas, Althea and Carole Hannah as the middle-of-the-pack and sends them to safety. This leaves me stumped as to how Nicolas’ abomination managed to get past the judges yet again.

We quickly learn that the top three are Shirin, Irina and Gordana. Leaving Christopher, Epperson and Logan as the bottom three.

Upon questioning, the judges (and the two seat-fillers) agree that they adore just about everything about the top three. They are particularly proud of Shirin for being able to smack down her crazy client’s request for a “Half-Breed moment” and insistence on a virtually crotch-revealing miniskirt.

As for the bottom three, Christopher’s nonsense is called a “cinched garbage bag” (NO, OVEN bag! Garbage bags don’t look like crunchy metallics! … And you call yourselves snarky judges!)

And Heidi decides that she’ll get big yuks by describing both Epperson’s dress and Logan’s top as “Oktoberfest” moments.

Four. Separate. Times.

Michael chimes in with one “Oktoberfest” of his own. … Copycat.

As for myself -- and again, I don’t know shit about this -- I thought Logan’s top was very Biergarten, but didn’t think that at all about Epperson’s outfit. That is, I didn’t until I saw this a second time and focused on the voluminous white skirt.

Now, if you paired Logan’s top with Epperson’s skirt, that would indeed be the St. Pauli Girl (or Heidi’s high school summer internship), no doubt.

After the usual discussion (and Heidi’s recently amped up venom), the panel comes up with its decision.

Shirin is sent to safety.

And the winner is … Gordana! (Reeeeeeallly?)

Irina is sent to safety.

Christopher is also safe for another week.

Leaving Logan and Epperson to face another round of “Oktoberfest” criticism from the One Who Would Know.

Logan and his stupid knit caps are safe.

“Epperson … you’re out.”

Please pack your dreads and go.

Next week on Project Runway: Bob Muthafuckin’ Mackie! Spangly gowns! And a super-special celebrity client!