Top Chef Las Vegas: Bleepin’ Restaurant Wars!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Bleepin’ Restaurant Wars!
October 21, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The “We Hate Robin” traveling road show was in full effect. The Brothers rivalry moved into the cursing-at-each-other-stage. Kevin won for being piggy. And Ash was ousted for making the mistake of listening to someone else’s advice.

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Morning. Poolside. Chef Jennifer is in a bikini, which really does beg for commentary. Hence here ‘tis. Great chef. Great bod. No ass.

In contrast, Chef Laurine is being more modest in her pool garb as she reflects on how she’s not been doing to well in the competition so far. Which means she’s probably not going to do to well today, either.

Inside, Chef Kevin provides the Greek chorus for the week, informing us that Chefs BrotherBryan and BrotherMichael’s heightening interpersonal drama will be a theme for the week.

And then it’s off to the Best Western Resort and Casino for this week’s …

Quickfire Challenge

Padma and The Knife Block (look for their CD in stores this November!) greet the chefs. Padma introduces this week’s guest judge, “sustainable” food guru, celebrity chef and Top Chef Masters also-ran, Rick Moonen.

After some babble about people getting only so far on their individual skills, the chefs start pulling knives. But, whattayaknow? The first one’s blank. And so is the second one. And the third.

And everyone thinks it’s a mistake until Jennifer pulls one that reads “First Choice.” More blanks are pulled until it’s down to the two brothers.

Dickish Brother Scene #1: The bros snipe at each other over which knife each one wants. As if it matters.

BrotherMichael gets “Second Choice” and we see that it’s a schoolyard pick for teams.

After a second’s thought, Jennifer decides to not split up the brothers (and their touchy-feely dynamic) and picks Kevin for her team. Which means that BrotherMichael naturally picks BrotherBryan for his.

Chef DoucheyMike ends up on Jennifer’s team and Chef Eli lands on Team Bro. Laurine joins Jennifer’s squad. And, as expected, Chef Robin is the one nobody wants and lands by default on the boys’ team.

And here’s where Pads reveals the rules for this week’s unprecedented challenge:

The chefs will be working in a relay to create a dish, with each chef having only 10 minutes to complete their stage. But (and here’s the fun part) not only will the chefs not be able to communicate to each other what they’re doing, they’ll be blindfolded until it’s their turn to cook.

(Now, I have to admit. When I saw that blindfolds would be involved, I was wondering if they’d make the chefs all work to make their dishes while blindfolded -- a la Shear Genius. But I suppose they couldn’t afford the liability insurance for that.)

Robin reflects on her team of the Bros (who are “awesome”) and her “little buddy” Eli. Which makes me wonder if she doesn’t see how much they seem to despise her or if she’s just trying to take the high road for the audience on telly.

The groups get a few minutes to discuss how much they hate Robin  find a way to minimize Robin’s work  pick the order in which they’ll be cooking. And they are not to discuss their dishes.

Oh, and this is another of those “high stakes” Quickfires, so the winning team is promised cash and “a significant advantage” in the Elimination Challenge. (We’ll just see about that last bit, doll. And don’t even get me started on the scripted grammatical mistakes from Tom and Padma this week.)

The two teams each decide to put the designated “weakest links” in the second position,  so that whatever that person does can be changed by the third and finished well. So, I guess that makes Laurine her team’s low-man. Poor Laurine.

The challenge starts and, within seconds, I decide this is my favorite Quickfire ever!

Now, I doubt this has a thing to do with being a great chef, but boy is it entertaining! It really has to be seen to be fully appreciated. And if you’re reading this, I’m going to assume you did.

Jennifer and Eli each grab stuff and start the ball rolling for their teams. Time!

In interviews, Jennifer and Eli each tell us what we most need to know about what they did. Jennifer, we hear, wasn’t clear what kind of fish she was picking. And Eli has to explain that Robin’s taste is from somewhere “east of Mars.”

Robin and Laurine go next. Robin is amazed by how much Eli was able to get done. Laurine is a tad confused by some thyme which she finds simmering in oil, but finally guesses what it was for and puts it back. Time!

Next it’s DoucheyMike versus BrotherBryan. I fall over myself laughing at DM’s general disorientation when, after 20 minutes in a blindfold, he has to get his eyes used to the light, examine the in-progress items before him, figure out what to do and move things forward.

BrotherBryan, being mostly transistors and wires, has little of this difficulty and carries on ably (as expected) and sets his brother up for the big finish.

Time!

Batting cleanup are Kevin and BrotherMichael for their respective teams. Neither seems to be experiencing a major crisis over having spent a half-hour in a blindfold. Since he’s last, Kevin feels free to pick some elements of what he finds to finish things up and chooses to discard others.

BrotherMichael, meanwhile, does what he can do to complete the items before him as best as he can. And since I don’t know shit about any of this all I can say is that he does some magic stuff to make yum.

(Have I mentioned that my signature recipe is a delicious head of iceberg lettuce?)

Time!

Padma blows her disco whistle and it’s over. Time to taste.

First up is the Red Team (a/k/a Team Bro, Gno and Oh No!). They’ve made a New York strip steak with whipped miso and avocado puree. BrotherMichael does the presenting and explains that while one element (the miso) is quite salty, he under-salted the steak so that if it’s all eaten on one bite, it’ll work.

Chef Rick is willing to play along with this and tries to construct the “perfect bite.” (Is it me or does this sounds like pretty similar to what Ashley was told wouldn't work and went out for a few weeks ago?)

Serving second is the Blue Team (a/k/a Team Chicks With Brick and Dick). Jennifer gets shamed when she presents her fish dish as “trout” when it’s actually a “sustainable” fish called sable.

(Again, what do I know? I thought sable was something PETA people would douse you in blood for wearing.)

Jennifer thinks that getting this embarrassed on national TV is just “awesome.”

Chef Rick liked both dishes and after some thought declares the winning team to be … Team Blue! (Yea!)

Laurine is thrilled to finally be out from the bottom in a competition. And BrotherMichael’s sourpuss expresses angst for not having won cash for his team.

Padma gives the winning team one of those bullshit poker chips signifying a $10,000 prize. But, if they want, the team can “let it ride,” which means they can forfeit the 10K-split-four-ways and, if they win the Elimination Challenge, they’ll each win $10,000.

With barely a thought, the team lets it “ride.” Let’s see how that works out.

And now …

Elimination Challenge

It’s Muthafukin’ Restaurant Wars! Woo hoo!

Kevin thinks that’s “awesome” and is pumped about his “super shtrong team” without a particularly “shtrong” or weak link.

About this milestone, BrotherBryan’s words say he’s “really excited.” His face, however, says, “It’s Thursday.”

Chef Rick explains that, for the challenge, he’s giving up his two-level restaurant at the Knights Inn Resort & Casino. And the winning team will get the super duper advantage of getting to pick which of the two wildly different areas to serve as their restaurant.

Oooh.

The Blue Team picks the downstairs restaurant, leaving the other team with the total pit that is the downstairs. Good luck surviving that impossible setback, suckas!!

Padma explains that, since a.) Chef Rick doesn’t need to clear out his fancy, schmancy establishment for a day, and b.) Pier One probably didn’t want to pony up the cash to sponsor another “let’s grab wicker and pillows” scene this year, the chefs won’t be responsible for their restaurant’s decor.

They will, though, still be judged on their front-of-house management/service and, unlike previous seasons, whichever chef serves as the front-of-house person will also be responsible for the planning and execution of one dish.

(This, I suppose, is to avoid a circumstance like last year when Radhika was sent home for something that had zero to do with her cooking talent.)

With few minutes to plan, the Blue Team makes one thing perfectly clear. They are NOT doing dessert. Chefs go home for dessert. And they never go home for making a “safe” choice.

The next thing they need to decide is who’s doing the front-of-house. Laurine pipes up that she “know(s) quite a bit about running the front-of-house” and, voila, that decision’s been made.

They plan their all-savory dishes and we move over to the Red Team.

Ominous bass.

After some chit-chat about planning a “Modern American” dining experience, discussion turns to dessert. The Brothers point out that the judges loved an apple crisp Robin made earlier and they encourage her to make something like that now. She suggests a pear crisp and is thus neatly set up to take the fall if it fails. (I mean, if we’re to look at the history of the challenge, right?)

BrotherBryan is also planning on making a dessert and offers to make something like he made earlier as well. Which leads us to …

Dickish Brother Scene #2: BrotherMichael gets all up in BrotherBryan’s business saying that the dessert he made before sucked and was “grainy” and such. BrotherBryan says that BrotherMichael always shoots down his ideas. BrotherMichael says that he listens but speaks up when something goes wrong.

And we don’t get to see the dick measuring contest that follows.

Then, it’s off to shop for supplies. Half of each team heads to the Health Care Schmelthcare Mart while the other pairs go off to some restaurant supply store.

As with previous Restaurant Wars challenges, this split-up is done to save time, show how the teams can adequately manage resources and, most importantly, showcase those marvelous Jitterbug™ mobile phones they get to use to communicate with each other.

The only really interesting thing we see happen (aside from a lot of bleeped curses) is Robin getting all protective when the other team sees what she thinks will be the secret weapon which will earn her team the win: sparkling water.

“I wanted US to be the only ones with sparkling water,” says Robin. “It’s a competition, you know?”

DING! DING! DING! We have the trifecta! Robin scoring with “I didn’t come here to make friends” And two rounds of “It’s a competition.” … Wait! Please do not clear your cards. … Sorry, we can’t declare a winner until she claims the “There’s no room for error” space. Top Chef Bingo continues!

Back at Chez Chef, Eli The Mama’s Gnome tries on the big-boy jacket his mommy bought for him at T.J. Maxx. But, sadly, it looks like he’s been eating for two since she took him there to buy school clothes and new underwear and the jacket barely closes over his baby bump.

Seeing the sight of E in the getup instantly makes BrotherMichael come up with the name for their restaurant: REVOLT. Quickly covering up his nausea at seeing Eli playing dress-up, he says the name is “R” for Robin, “E” for Eli and “Volt” for the Voltaggio Brothers.

I’m supposed to buy that? Broth-ER!

Out on the deck, Kevin and Company decide that the name for their restaurant will be “Mission.” The name is inspired by the clean, simple architectural style and the two Mormons on bicycles who keep knocking on their door.

The next day, it’s off to the challenge! The Blues go upstairs to the impossibly superior dining establishment and the Reds go down into the black hole of Calcutta that is the downstairs casual dining hall.

Then the cooking starts. And so do the fireworks. Quickly, we see BrotherMichael is hounding/micromanaging Robin about her work. And, never one to respond well to this crap, she responds in her patented passive-aggressive fake-cheery manner..

On the Blue Team, we see that each of the members are focusing on their work. But for some reason, the time element is already causing major stress. And the diners haven’t even started arriving.

Back over to the Red Team. More cursing. More bleeping. And the front-of-housers break away to go change.

Aaack!! Eli! Changing! Averting my eyes! Call me when it’s done.

I hear Tom arrive for his mid-show stress inducement, so I gather it’s safe to look up. (This is also how I watch the mostly execrable Nip/Tuck, incidentally.)

Tom chats with Laurine. She claims partial ownership of the team’s lamb dish and promises to “throw back” any dish which isn’t great when it comes out of the kitchen. When he heads back to the kitchen, he sees that Kevin and Jennifer are stressed but confident.

He heads downstairs into the festering cesspool that is the casual dining restaurant to check in with the Red Team.

Up front, Eli’s confident. In the kitchen, BrotherMichael expresses that he’s the leader.

Tom leaves.

Laurine coaches the serving staff. Jennifer is “in the weeds.” And the Brothers go back to cursing/bleeping at each other.

BrotherMichael sums up his team’s progress. Robin seems to be doing well. Eli’s working hard. And  BrotherBryan is working “like a machine.”

More kitchen footage. BrotherMichael tells BrotherBryan, “Don’t be a dick.” And with those magical words, the guests begin to arrive.

Time!

Eli waddles into the kitchen to get things started while Laurine is still coaching her staff as her guests start filling in the bar area waiting to be seated.

Jennifer reflects on her team’s state of preparedness at this point.

“I’m like, ‘Fuck. We’re fucked.’”

Finally, the diners at R℈VOLT are seated. It takes less that a second for one of the diners to wonder what the hell they meant by that name. And then the judges arrive.

They are Padma and Her Frilly Ankles, Tom, Chef Rick and the Lacrimal Fistula (a/k/a Toby Young).

Padma expresses her revulsion at the restaurant name and the food starts to come out.

First on the table are BrotherBryan’s arctic char and BrotherMichael’s pressed chicken. Both are universally adored.

Then I get confused, since they say that the char was Eli’s (instead of Bryan’s) and that it didn’t “really pop.” (Like the buttons on Eli’s jacket?)

Then, as the judges comment on what appears to be a longer-than-expected wait between the first and second courses, we see that the Brothers are back to bleeping at each other over something not being done yet.

After the cussfest, the next course is finally ready: BrotherBryan’s duo of beef and BrotherMichael’s cod. The cod is deemed “brilliant,” but the beef isn’t because it’s now cold.

We head back to the kitchen where BrotherMichael is poking at Robin’s dessert. After what seems like hours of this, Robin has the nerve to yell, “Fuck” and tells him to get away from her “goddamned dessert.”

This audacious blasphemy sends BrotherMichael around the bend.

“Don’t cuss at me like that again!” chastises the noble paragon of rectitude. Three times.

The PeaceKeeper 5000™ steps into the fray and gets his brother out of Robin’s face and gets her back on task, showing us once again that technological wizardry can help decrease global conflict.

Oops. It seems the battle’s not over, since BrotherMichael feels the need to later get up in Robin’s grill and tell her that she doesn’t “respect anyone when (she) yells ‘fuck’ at anyone.”

He further seeks to calm her down by barking “Ree-lax” at her. Four times.

Frankie Says Get A Grip.

At last, the desserts come out, BrotherBryan’s ganache with spearmint ice cream and Robin’s pear pithivier. (Oh the words I have to learn to spell for this blog!)

Both dishes are loved, but Robin’s is really singled out for praise.

Eli pops over to the judges to try to get a read on what they’re thinking and the instant he’s out of earshot, Padma starts whispering about him behind his back. He’s judged to have done well in his job.

And it’s off to the Sinkhole of Doom which is the downstairs establishment.

At The Mission, Laurine greets and seats the panel. Tom inspires gasps from the gang when he points out that there are no desserts on the menu.

Then, without explanation, Laurine delivers DoucheyMike’s asparagus and eggwhateverthing. (Sorry, there was no explanation and, as you know, I only eat.)  Tom thinks it lacks salt and Padma passive-aggressively calls over Laurine to request salt for the table.

This freaks out DoucheyMike, since he salted the dishes. But he manages to comment on this without the dreaded and expected “It is what it is” cliché. So he wins points for that at least.

But this is when the wheels start to come off Team Mission.

Jennifer is butchering the fish to order and this is really delaying the second course. Laurine runs around apologizing to everyone in the dining room and a few curses from Jennifer later, Laurine manages to drop the dishes in front the judges before running off again.

Peeved, a pissed-off Padma peevishly pursues Laurine and asks for an explanation of the dishes, both Jennifer creations, a trout and a halibut served with clams.

The judges find both dishes disappointing and are sad that Jennifer, normally great,  has done so badly here.

And before we see it served to the judges, we see that Kevin’s having temperature problems with his (and Laurine’s) lamb dish, with some being overcooked and some being undercooked. Also, the two chefs seem to not be of one mind as to what constitutes “medium rare.”

When Laurine finally serves the last two dishes to the judges, Padma presumptively postpones the presenter’s parting and asks her what is being parlayed.

She explains that the dishes are hers and Kevin’s lamb and Kevin’s solo dish or pork bellies. The lamb dish is ruled too rare, though the pork is a hit.

Still, the panel feels that a dessert dish should have been offered. (So that decision was smart!)

Once service is over and the judges leave, the diners and chefs comment on the experience. The diners loved most of the food, but weren’t keen on Laurine’s service and Jennifer’s fish dishes. Back in the kitchen, Team Mission is pretty certain they tanked this one.

Fakeout scene!

Montage. Point/Counterpoint. Both from BrotherMichael. Point: BrotherMichael saying how he’s a honorable gentleman, is fair and treats everyone with respect. Counterpoint: BrotherMichael cursing a blue streak at everyone.

Moral: People being blind about how they are is funny.

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

In the Stewed Room, Kevin is sick at the job his team did. DoucheyMike can’t imagine that the other team could have done worse than his. And Padma enters to call up the winning team … Team R℈VOLT.

After some quick congrats, Tom tells the gang that theirs was the best Restaurant Wars restaurant they’ve experienced in six seasons. (Wow!)

The Fistula makes a point of reminding the team what a horrible name they picked and how stupid Eli looked in his Look What Mommy Got Me garb. Still, he’s really thrilled with the experience.

They loved the dishes and are particularly enthusiastic about Robin’s dessert. Asked about it, Robin notes that she was “offered some assistance” with the presentation. This leads BrotherMichael to chime in with his contribution to the dish … which continues the whole pissing match we saw before.

Snore.

But only one chef can win the challenge. And that chef is … BrotherMichael. And as the winner of the challenge, he gets … a book!

Oh, and the $10,000 chip that the other group forfeited when they “let it ride.” BM takes the chip and, without a thought, asks if he can split the money with the rest of the team, since they were part of the win. (They say he can.)

(Don’t ask me why, but I imagine Glenn Beck watching this at home yelling, “Socialist! Are you going to rip out the pages of the cookbook and share those with everyone else, too, comrade?!”)

Then it’s time for the losing  team to face the music.

But before they do, we get to hear DoucheyMike suggest that maybe HE should have run the front of the house since he has “experience running large restaurants.”

As the winners take their seats and the losers head off, we get …

Dickish Brother Scene #32: BrotherBryan tells BrotherMichael to keep his share of the winning money since he doesn’t like that his brother was just rewarded for “unprofessional” behavior.

(I swear, I listened to what the man had to say three times and I still don’t get it. He thinks his brother deserved to win. And deserved the money. But didn’t deserve it for his behavior. And … You know, perhaps it’s a bug they’ll work out in the next system upgrade.)

Once the losing chefs are before the judges, Tom and Padma pop off with their critiques and a few grammatical mistakes. Padma says that the chefs had the panel’s “least” favorite restaurant. And Tom says it’s a “badge of courage” to win Restaurant Wars.

DoucheyMike’s asparagus was under-salted. Jennifer’s fish was a mess. Kevin’s lamb was underdone. And Laurine’s service was horrible (and she didn’t send back the bad food like she promised she would).

The four are sent away to wallow in their shame while the judges deliberate.

A while later, the chefs are called back for the knifing.

Tom makes his “badge of courage” comment and Padma bows her head for the verdict.

“Laurine … please pack your knives and go.”

She heads back to say goodbye to her colleagues. She discusses being the rock. Being rocked. Or former pro wrestler The Rock.

And off she goes, crushed into pebbles.

Next time on Top Chef: Special Guest Natalie Portman. Likes and dislikes. “Awesome.” “In the weeds.” It could be anyone!