Top Chef Las Vegas: My Dinner With Padma

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: My Dinner With Padma
October 7, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: We all experienced deja vu seeing the previous week’s episode for the second time. It was like magic. Kevin won for a deconstructed chicken mole negro and Ron showed that he didn’t understand the concept of “deconstructed” when he made a middling, fully constructed paella. Oh, and everyone was wholly bothered by Robin, only partially because she won immunity in the Quickfire and was guaranteed to be sticking around another week.

---

Morning.

Chef Ash is nervous about being a bottom again (or something like that). He’s feeling insecure about his lack of formal training and is in awe of Chef BrotherMichael. (Methinks this shall be a theme.)

BrotherMichael, meanwhile, is giving us biographical information and showing us pictures of his family, which is never a good sign.

And Chef Jennifer is sick. Throwing up, even.

PAUSE. OK, walk with me for a moment. There is one thing I’ve learned from 40 some-odd years of watching scripted television: When a show starts with a young woman being sick (and throwing up) in the morning, you can pretty much guess what the rest of the episode and the next nine months of episodes are going to be about. So, you’ll forgive me if I had a suspicion about inter-chef hanky panky as a result of this, OK?

RESUME PLAY.

Once Jennifer’s cleaned herself up, the gang heads off to the Extended Stay America Resort & Casino™ for the …

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs are greeted by Padma and a fancy TV chef with two first names, one masculine and one feminine. It’s either Joshua Abigail, Tyler Florence, Ethan Courtney or Floyd Hortence. You guess.

(Hmm. Something tells me Douchey Chef Mike Isabella is going to have the edge in this challenge.)


Chef Kevin tells us he’s all excited because he’s seen the TV chef’s TV shows.

Here, I’ll assume the guy’s on the Food Network, since I’ve never watched anything on that channel and I don’t know of any other place where there are food shows.

Padma babbles on about the chef’s commercial sponsoriffic web site where people can find recipes that match random words picked out of the dictionary (or something like that). And, in that spirit, there’s a slot machine where the chefs will get to lose their life savings  be assigned three random words on which to base their quickie dishes.

This next part goes so fast, I got dizzy. Hence, I may have gotten a few of these combinations wrong.

• Chef Laurine: Beige, Impotent, Latin American

• Chef Kevin: Hairy, Inky, Asian

• Chef DoucheyMike: Snobbish, Umami, Massengill

• Chef Jennifer: Pickles, Enfamil, American

• Chef Eli: Doughy, Bitter, Latin American

• Chef BrotherMichael: Grumpy, Emotionless, Asian

• Chef Robin: Logorrheal, Lucky, Middle Eastern

• Chef BrotherBryan: Phlegmatic, Circuit-board, Asian

• Chef Ash: Opie, Bonaduce, Italian

• Chef Ashley: Dumpy, Tuxedo, Middle Eastern

Da Douche, again putting on his Condescending Chef Know-It-All toque, explains that “umami” is the “fifth flavor,” which is neither “salty” nor “sweet” nor “tart” nor “doorknob.”

You learn something new every day.

Go!

Instantly, all the Umamis run to grab the mushrooms.

(Hmm, sounds like a series. Look for All The Umamis this fall. Only on CBS!)

Next, it’s time for the complainin’ portion of the challenge. DoucheyMike complains that he never does Asian food. Sad Ashley complains that she never does Middle Eastern food. And Jennifer complains that her ankles are going to start swelling up any day now. (Well, that’s what _I_ heard.)

Time!

Before you can say “Scarred, Sultry, Rhubarb,” Padma and Chef Wilbur Martha are tasting the dishes.

Few of the chefs get any particular feedback. On the good side, Ash is complimented for his Italian pasta dish, as is Kevin for making a great Asian dish when he never cooks Asian food. On the negative side, BrotherBryan is told his scallops are “Asian in general, not Asian specifically,” whatever the hell that means.

And Robin is smacked down hard by Padma for trying to pass off curry as a Middle Eastern flavor. In fact, I think Padma made Robin sweat more than curry would make anyone perspire.

Oh, and BrotherMichael tells the judges, “I am not a pastry chef.”

Ding! Ding! Ding! If you had "BrotherMichael" and "Episode Seven" for “I am not a pastry chef,” come on down and claim your copy of Dressing Demurely For Any Occasion (with forward by Lady GaGa).

After the tasting, Chef Clarence Gertrude issues his verdict. The three worst dishes were Robin’s not-Middle Eastern curry, Eli’s drowned mushrooms and Jennifer’s not-adventurous scallops.

As for the three best, those were DoucheyMike’s “light and fresh” Summer’s Eve, Kevin’s “wow, I can do Asian, too!” dish and BrotherMichael’s “still not a pastry chef” dessert.

But the winner of the challenge is … Kevin! (Yea!)

And, as the winner, Kevin gets the choice of either a $15,000 poker chip to blow at the craps table at the Extended Stay America Resort & Casino™ … or immunity.

After about one second, Kevin decides to take the money. (Of course, normally this would spell certain doom for the cheftestant. But, then again, Kevin’s never been in danger of being de-knifed, so why not?)

At this point, Padma would normally tell the chefs about the elimination challenge. But since we’re doing a top-secret sponsoriffic thing this week involving “at home” dining, the diva sends the chefs back to their bungalow to await further instructions.

Once there, the chefs scamper to the kitchen to see what’s awaiting them. But all they see is that their pantry is stocked with the usual array of extras. So no real clues there.

This is when Padma arrives at the Casa Cuisine and asks them to come outside “where it’s less comfortable” to learn about the  …

Elimination Challenge

Outside, the chefs see five celebrity chef/restaurant owners, each holding a brown paper bag with his or her name on it. At their feet are bags from the challenge’s sponsor, Marshall Fields.

(Now, I’m sure these celebrity chefs are just grand. But I don’t really recognize most of them, so their respective specialties aren’t helping me here.)

Padma explains that the whole event will be centered around the concept of the “at-home dinner party.” And they will be throwing one within three hours.

The chefs will be working in pairs. Each pair will have to create one family-style dish which will be served at this dinner party. So out comes the knife block!

DoucheyMike instantly gets a Doucheache.

Once the picking is complete, we see that the chefs are to be paired as follows.

• Jennifer will be working with Kevin.

• Laurine will be working with BrotherBryan.

• Eli will be working with Sad Ashley.

• BrotherMichael will be working with Ash.

• And DoucheyMike will be working with …. yes, Robin.

His Doucheache turns into a Douche-graine.

Everyone speculates on how it will be to work with his or her mate. Ash is looking forward to working with BrotherMichael and his wondrous ideas. Ashley is keen on working with Eli, what with all his experience and all. And somewhere Robin is still talking about gawdknowswhat.

Chefscramble!

Everyone runs to claim space in the tiny kitchen, or the dining room, or the patio. Chef Hubert Keller isn’t here, so no one claims the shower. (Top Chef Masters reference.)

BrotherMichael and Ash find themselves working in the dining room. And since there’s no access to the stove, they’re using woks provided by the challenge’s sponsor, Burdines. BrotherMichael is stoked, since the woks probably boil water faster than the stove would.

As the teams examine the contents of their paper bags, menus are formulated.

Team BrotherMAsh opts to make a fennel ravioli with fish. Ash finds that whatever simple idea he suggests is instantly trumped by BrotherMichael’s more adventuresome concept and happily takes a supporting role.

Team Keviffer realizes that their ingredients are mostly Asian flavors, so they’re opting for an Asian barbecue concept.

Over on Team Sad Ali (pronounced: Sad Ally), they take up the idea of doing prawns, beets and, with Ashley’s propensity for making gnocchi, they’ll just stick everything on top of that.

Then it’s time for our comic relief. Let’s see if DoucheyMike can keep his head from exploding and getting YeastGard all over the kitchen. Robin, who’s been talking without taking a breath since the last episode, enters.

While he tells us that he’s already bothered because the bag contains a bunch of ingredients he’s not used to employing, Robin flits in and out discussing … oh, I don’t know, let’s say relative merits of string cheese versus Britney Spears.

Back in the actual kitchen Jennifer is now feeling better and develops a craving for sardines and pistachio ice cream. Seeing as those aren’t available, she notices some tomatoes and decides to use them to make a delicious sauce for the beef dish.

Still, seeing Jennifer and Kevin working is quite the contrast to the “let’s play Master and Servant” approach of Teams BrotherMAsh and DoucheMouth.

BrotherMichael is keen to tell us that Ash is a great “number 2” (eeeew) and DoucheyMike is so proud to tell us how he’s handing Robin busywork and is cheerily throwing out any of her contributions to the meal.

Then it’s time for the Tom-Around. The bear icon pops into the chateau and checks in with the chefs. At Eli and Ashley’s nook, he appears flummoxed that they’re planning on putting prawns on top of gnocchi. And they don’t seem to get why that’s a bad idea.

(Of course, I have no idea why that’s a bad plan. But, as I’ve said, I need a manual in order to make cereal in the morning.)

Once at DoucheyMike and Robin’s station, DM explains what HE’S doing and how HE’S not used to making Asian food. Robin says that she does make Asian food, but DM pipes up, “But I know how  to cook.”

Burn.

“Awesome,” says Robin as Tom moves on to BrotherMichael and Ash.

BM (not “number 2”) explains that he’s putting an egg in the ravioli which will be served atop his fish. And he tries to break out of his “grumpy talented guy” mold by trying out a pun on Tom.

In reference to their cooking vessel, he says he’ll “Wok it out to you.”

Er, stick to cooking. Please.

Once he’s gone BrotherMichael runs into a huge buzz-saw. That is, what with everyone plugging stuff into the residence’s various outlets, a circuit has blown in his robot head and the electricity to his planche has gone out. This means that his fish is not going to be cooked properly, no matter what they do now.

Then the diners arrive to the table which has been set up outside. In addition to Tom and Padma, we have guest Chef Elmer Josephine, the other celebrity chefs and Toby Young, The Talking Pustule.

As the chefs prepare to serve, Ashley gets to taste her gnocchi and discovers that they’re too salty. She figures she can hold back on salting other elements of the dish to overcome this.

And then it’s time for service.

But first, we get to hear from Chef Horace Lydia about some of the fine charity work being done by the sponsors, Hecht’s and Filene’s department stores.

More information is available at Robinsons-May.com

Bravo. Now, can we eat?

The teams present their dishes.

Eli talks for his team. DoucheyMike presents his dish as a soloist while Robin makes faces behind him. BrotherBryan presents for his team. Kevin does the honors for his. And, of course, BrotherMichael does his thing as well.

The diners eat.

As they eat, we get a mish-mosh of responses to the various dishes. Sifting though the critiques, we gather that BrotherMichael’s fish has suffered terribly and that the egg yolk ravioli isn’t going over well, either.

BrotherBryan (and Friend’s) halibut, though, is a hit. The Talking Pustule makes a funny about Eli and Ashley’s prawns and gnocchi, calling it “like a Monet - beautiful at a distance.”

Kevin and Jennifer’s kobe beef with cardamom broth is a smash. And DoucheyMike’s unassisted Asian is, on the whole, also well-received.

As they sit in the living room, BrotherMichael obsesses over what he’s sure is his failure. And Ash manages to blame himself for having been too starry-eyed to have asserted himself throughout the planning stages.

Fakeout scene!

We flash back to the Bronze Age and see that Robin’s already started talking. Fast forwarding though the epochs, we see she doesn’t take a breath until she joins the show and meets DoucheyMike. She takes a breath. And she starts talking again. She is expected to come up for air again In the Year 2525. If man is still alive. If woman can survive.

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

Padma arrives in the Stewed Room and calls up … Kevin and Jennifer and BrotherBryan and Friend.

Once before the panel, everyone is sweetness and light. Everything was wonderful. Everyone shares credit. But there can only be one winner.

And that is (pregnant pause) … Jennifer … and her suddenly tender breasts.

And not only does she win the challenge, but she gets a $10,000 gift card from Kaufmann's (to use towards a new bassinet?)

Now for the bottoms. Called up are Ashley and Eli, BrotherMichael and Ash.

As they’re going up, though, Kevin quizzes BrotherBryan about his sibling’s dish. BB is really tense and snaps at Kevin that he doesn’t care to dissect his brother’s dish for the competition.

Oh dear. Emotion. What. Is. This. Strange. Sensation? Does. Not. Compute.

Back before the judges, the four take their lumps.

BrotherMichael tries to explain about the power going out, but Chef Sidney Mildred is not having it. In (what seemed to me to be) an attempt to find some other reason to critique the fish, Tom suggests it was the wrong fish choice in the first place.

Here, Ash volunteers that he thought everything BM was doing was “awesome.” Which leads Padma to ask if he was comfortable taking a back seat to BM in the challenge.

Which leads to one of the dorkiest moments in Top Chef history when he gets a tad overly effusive about his colleague saying, “That’s sort of like saying, ‘Do you mind washing paint brushes for Picasso?’ in my opinion.”

Oh my. No. No, no, no. Even I’m cringing here and I adore Ash.

Instantly, the judges see this as a falling-on-his-sword moment from the big lug and ask if this means he thinks he can’t go all the way in the competition.

Ash gamely tries to backpedal just enough to get the focus off of his declaration. It seems to have worked, because the focus then turns to the other team.

The other pair gets questioned, but I can’t say I was able to focus at all on that since I was busy applying calamine lotion on my skin for the heebie-jeebies I got from Ash’s speech.

They’re all sent away so the judges can deliberate.

Back in the Stewed Room, Ash clearly knows he’s embarrassed himself.

“I may have talked my way into going home,” he says.

“Pretty embarrassing,” agrees Eli.

Once the deliberations are over, the four come back in.

After the usual shaming, Padma intones, “Ashley, please pack your knives and go.”

She cries all over her tuxedo t-shirt.

Awww. Now she’s Really Sad Ashley.

Next time on Top Chef: Drama! A huge event. Important people. BrotherBryan curses. And Eli and Robin bark at each other. Tune in, won’t you?