Top Chef Las Vegas: Porky’s Revenge

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Porky’s Revenge
October 14, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs made an “at-McMansion” meal for a bunch of celebrity cross-promoters. BrotherMichael blew a circuit and almost blew his chances. Jennifer won the challenge, despite experiencing “sickness” in the “morning.” And when all was said and done, Sad Ashley was sent packing for … well, something. I’m still not clear exactly what it was.

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Morning-after footage.

Chef BrotherMichael reflects on his near-elimination last week. Chef Robin does pilates in the back yard. And Chef Eli reveals that he still lives at home with his parents. He says it’s cool that he doesn’t have to pay rent.

Ladies and gents, your aspiring Top Chef.

Ya know, that explains a lot.

It still doesn’t account for the Crocs, though.

Speaking of moms, we check in with Robin who reminds us about her cancer survivor status (in case you missed it). Today’s theme will shift ever so slightly from “Robin: The One Who Can’t Shut Up” to the “Robin: The Meddlesome Mom.”

And it’s off to the …

Quickfire Challenge

At the Kitchen Of Endorsements, the chefs are greeted by Padma’s Go-Go Boots and this week’s guest judge, jazz great Charlie “Bird” Parker.

Parker is known for being one of the most influential of jazz musicians of all time, having pioneered the development of bebop and …

No? Palmer, not Parker? And everyone knows who this is and is really impressed?

Sigh. I sooo don’t know food. Seriously, if it wasn’t for this show I wouldn’t know a ham hock from a pork belly. … Those are different things, right?

Well, it seems that aside from being a super chef and Mr. Belvedere look-alike, Palmer has a history of having been a boss/mentor for both Chefs BrotherBryan and BrotherMichael.

And they still thought it was a wise move to have this man be a judge.

Despite this previous relationship (ten years in the case of BrotherBryan), Chef Palmer says that he’s going to be impartial in his judging.

Now, I’m sure his judging is/would be/was impartial, but isn’t it the appearance of impropriety that’s at issue here? Besides, isn’t it more likely that someone would judge their protégés MORE harshly in a situation like this in order to make it look like you’re not playing favorites? And isn’t that unfair to the two brothers?

Ah, but it isn’t simple favoritism that’s at play here, it’s marketing. But more on that later.

This week, the theme is “pairing,” as in “pairing” a wine to a dish, “pairing” a vegetable to a protein, or “pairing” a challenge concept to a corporate sponsor.

Hence, their challenge will be to create a dish which goes perfectly well with a bag of Sabor De Soledad chips.

The chefs smack themselves on the forehead for not seeing this coming, despite weeks of having nothing but these chips to snack on back at the Casa Cuisine.

They’ll have 45 minutes to create their dishes. Go!

As they cook, we get to hear BrotherBryan and BrotherMichael compare and contrast their relationships with The Palmer. Within seconds, it devolves into an old Smothers Brothers routine. I may or may not have heard one of them say, “Charlie DID always like you best!”

Now, now, boys, you’re both pretty. Now get cookin’.

During the preparations, we see that most of the chefs are picking the onion chips to pair their dishes with. Chef Jennifer’s very “shtressed” about cooking for such a famous chef.

And Eli explains for us the concept of pairing, saying that they can compliment or match perfectly. A bad pairing would be things that clash completely, like the title of Top Chef and a guy who still has his mom iron his shorts.

Meanwhile, Chef Ash reflects on how he still hasn’t come out on top in any challenge, mostly because he’s been so focused on what the other chefs are doing. So, this time, he’s going to be preparing his own style of food, which he predicts will be “awesome.”

As time runs out, Jennifer worries that her pork chops cooked too long and, unless the judges come to her first, they’ll be overcooked by the time they are tasted. Which can only mean they she will be last. (This is a corollary to the Immutable Law Of The Airport Shuttle that finds that your hotel will always be the first of 16 pick-ups and the last of 16 drop-offs.)

Time!

The judges go around tasting the various corporate synergy dishes and, as expected, Jennifer’s is not only NOT the first station to be visited, but we see her stewing in the background as nearly every other chef’s dish is tasted before hers. And, as expected, her pork chops are found to be overcooked.

Rats.

When The Palmer rules, he declares the three “least successful” dishes to be Robin’s badly paired creamy thingamabob, Ash’s cucumber/avocado dish, which was overpowered by the chips, and Jennifer’s overcooked pork chop.

As for the three best, he notes Eli’s “Mom! Can you knock next time?!” clams, BrotherBryan’s “safe,” but “good” steak (?) and Chef Kevin’s green bean casserole-inspired offering.

And the winner is … Eli. (Ugh.)

The gnome is overjoyed with what he feels is his overdue first win. I suspect he hasn’t been this excited since he was told that if he washed the car Sunday his parents MIGHT consider converting the basement into a private apartment for him.

Elimination Challenge

Here is where we get the answer to the grand mystery of why The Palmer is allowed to be a judge despite a longstanding relationship with two of the chefs. It seems that the superchef sponsors this annual event called Pigs and Pinot where pork (his favorite dish) is paired with several different types of Pinot Noir wine. So, I think it’s safe to assume that this challenge was planned before the BrotherChefs were cast and, rather than not cast them, the Powers That Be decided to simply explain away the conflict of interest with the aforementioned “I won’t be partial” nonsense and just go forward anyway.

So, there’s your challenge. Match a pork dish to a Pinot. And to help with that, out comes the knife block.

The chefs pull knives.

• Jennifer pulls “Wild.”

• BrotherMichael pulls “Cheeks.”

• BrotherBryan pulls “Ribs.”

• Ash pulls “Tenderloin.”

• Chef Laurine pulls “Butt.”

• Eli pulls “His Ample Belly.”

• Robin pulls “Center Cut Chops.”

• Chef DoucheyMike pulls “Shoulder.”

• Kevin pulls “Leg.”

And while the above would suggest that this challenge will be about sports injuries, it’s actually about making a dish using their assigned pig part. BrotherMichael is not at all surprised because he knows Palmer is crazy about pig, regaling us with a tale of the man having once shot a wild boar in his pajamas.

Kevin’s wild about the challenge, since he too is crazy for pork, even having a pig tattooed on his person. (Ya know, in certain circles that would mean something … er, different than pork. And it’s not about not being Halal.)

Speaking of “Wild,” since Jennifer got the “Wild” knife, she gets to choose whichever pig part she would like. She opts for the belly, since it has the most fat and, hence, has the least chance of getting dried out. Unlike the least-fatty tenderloin. Which Ash has.

Padma’s Go-Go Boots explain that the chefs will each be responsible for 150 tasting portions at the charity event. And, with that, the gang heads off to another Vegas glitz palace to pick Pinots with Palmer. (Alliterative much?)

After a quick informercial about the grand restaurant with its Mission Impossible-esque flying wine vixens in glass towers, it’s time to choose the booze with your master sommelier, William Cher. (Or was that Shere? I get confused. It IS Vegas, after all.)

We don’t see a Klum-style button bag pick, but somehow there’s a random draw for who gets to pick first. But since I know slightly less about choosing fine wines than I do nuclear physics, this doesn’t mean Jack Squab to me.

All I gather is that some folks picked lesser wines because they didn’t know any better and BrotherMichael snagged one of the best despite picking last.

Then, it’s off to the Heathcare Schelthcare Mart™ for supplies. There, we hear that Laurine’s planning to make some French peasant dish which sounds like “riette.”

(Damn you, Laurine, for making me have to go to the Bravo web site and click 18 times before finding that it’s spelled “Rillettes.”)

Anyway ... she’s making that. Whatever that is. She seems iffy about it.

Ash, meanwhile, is being adorable (as usual), being silly about folks not looking at his ingredients. He plans on making pork tenderloin atop a polenta with a cherry demi-glace.

Oh, you chefs. You sure know how to make me work the spellcheck, don’tcha?

BrotherBryan explains, as they leave the SponsorMarket and hop back in the SponsorMobiles, that he’s planning on doing something that will blow Palmer’s mind. Good old-fashioned Cookin’-N-Capitalism.

Before you know it, we’re back at Casa Cuisine where we resume our Robin Smackdown already in progress.

Kevin says he tries to get along with everyone. Which is immediately contrasted with Robin’s going-on-since-the-1830s ramble, which has now entered the “I’m making sweet potatoes” epoch.

What’s hysterical about it is the way every other chef in the room reacts non-verbally to her never-ending stooooory. (La-la-la, la-la-la.)

Nightfall arrives and she’s still going strong. At this point, Eli’s busy making food for himself and the others (just not Robin) and she decides he would respond really well to some passive-aggressive hovering topped with a nattering demi-glace.

He doesn’t.

He tries to ignore the woman, talking to BrotherMichael instead. But she won’t have any of that and keeps at him. Finally, he finishes his scallops and takes them, still in the pan, downstairs to everyone else while she tells him he’s not allowed to go play with his friends until he comes back here and cleans up his room.

“You’re not my real mom!”

“As long as you’re living under my roof-- You come back in here, young man!”

Ah, aren’t blended families the best?

After she breaks the fourth wall and discusses this with the camera crew, she finishes what she was doing in the kitchen, marches downstairs and steps into the center meeting of the Robin Haters Club to purposely snag one of Eli’s scallops.

“They’re rotten,” says one of the imps. She takes one anyway. DoucheyMike makes a funny, suggesting he (or Eli, I couldn’t tell) said, “They’re Robin.”

Once she’s made her “point,” they go back to filling their water balloons and wadding up their spitballs.

In interview footage, she says, “As much as I want people to like me, this is a competition.”

DING! DING! DING! If you had “Robin,” and Episode Eight for “This Is A Competition” come on down and claim your Meta Cannoli!

Next, we’re back in the kitchen and Ash is telling us how the previous night he had been talking about his planned dish with DoucheyMike. And DM “helpfully” suggested that, rather than serve it warm and run the risk of it drying out (tenderloin having a low fat content, and all), he should ditch his plan and serve it cold.

Oooh, hope that works out, bud.

Kevin explains that he’s making a simple pork leg pâté, which, being a simple dish, has to be great, adding that there is “no room for error.”

Sorry, Kevin. One is not allowed to use “no room for error” until the next-to-last episode of any competition show. You have one demerit. One more and you will be thrown “under the bus.”

Meanwhile, the BrotherChefs talk about each other in their secret monotonic sibling language. BrotherMichael thinks he’s more experimental, having traveled more, and BrotherBryan’s just good at one thing. BrotherBryan is ... Blee! Blorp! Bloop! (Unknown Error 303. Please Reboot.)

And how’s Robin doing?

“I didn’t come here to make friends.”

DING! DING! DING! If you had “Robin,” and Episode Eight for “I Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends,” come on down and collect your commemorative big bowl of gluten and high-fructose corn syrup, with trans-fat sauce!

Tom arrives for the chefs’ mid-show freak-out.

Ash says that he’s finally cooking “his” food. BrotherMichael’s eager to recover from last week’s stumble. And DoucheyMike’s busy being “a machine.”

A “machine” that runs on extra-mild vinegar and water.

He’s impressed with himself that he’s made a bunch of different world cuisines in this competition. And he “brings to the table” something “no other chef has” … and that is an unmatched level of smarm.

As the chefs start to pack up their dishes, the brothers get into their biggest noogie-fight yet, with BrotherMichael telling BrotherBryan to “fuck off” for rushing him. BrotherBryan says that BrotherMichael is being “a dick.”

“I’ll turn this kitchen around right now!” threatens Robin. (Or maybe I imagined that.)

Moments later, we see the chefs arriving at the outdoor venue for the Pigs And Pinot event they set up their stations and Jennifer gets “shtressed out” that everyone is arriving already.

Serve, serve, serve. Taste, taste, taste. Yum, yum, yum.

And here come the judges! Padma’s Giant Sun Bonnet! Tom! The Palmer! Food & Wine editor Dana Cowin … and the Turd In The Punchbowl Known As “Toby Young.”

First up, BrotherMichael’s pork cheeks. They get raves from the judges and a nasal, Nanny-esue “oh maaaah gaaaaaaaw” from a diner.

Ash’s cold pork tenderloin isn’t received very well, though, with Dana saying it’s “a little clammy.” It has, however, managed to make Padma’s oversized chapeau disappear, so there’s that.

Eli’s made his pork belly with air quotes. The judges love his dish, but The Palmer doesn’t think it goes particularly well with the wine, the gnomish one’s protestations at excellence in that aside.

Next comes Kevin’s pork leg pâté. Again, he’s incorporated a good deal of cooking complexity and made magic. Everyone seems to agree it’s a winning dish and a great pairing.

DoucheyMike presents his Lebanese pork dish and makes comical hand gestures in order to distract the judges. It doesn’t work, since Dana thinks the orange flavors in it are “overwhelming.”

BrotherBryan’s ribs come next. Everyone likes them. (As does one really cute diner.)

Jennifer’s braised her pork belly and it is also considered delicious.

Laurine has made her pork anus butt (but it looks like a pork anus) as rillettes. I still have no idea what that is. But it looks ghastly. And it sounds like it tastes just as good. A diner says, “It’s NOT a party in my mouth” and Dana goes so far as to call it “cat food.”

I imagine Toby smacked her around off-camera for using one of his patented/stolen put-downs.

The judges arrive at Robin’s station to find her now entering the “brined pork cut” portion of her epic poem. The diners don’t care for it, Palmer isn’t impressed and The Turd says the overall sensation is of “sliminess.” Much like what he sees when he shaves in the morning.

And it’s off to …

Judges’ Table

In the Stewed Room, DoucheyMike is acting as deluded as ever, saying that the diners told him he would be in the Winner’s Circle. Needing to top that delusion, Mama Robin pipes up that folks told her that hers was the best.

DoucheyMike makes dismissive throat sounds.

And Padma arrives to call up … BrotherBryan, BrotherMichael, Jennifer and Kevin.

Shocker.

Before the judges, we get more sweetness and light from the four obvious front-runners. Everyone loved everything, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, and Talking Fecal Matter makes a funny about European wine versus American wine as akin to a hairy armpit versus a shaved armpit. … Yeah. He’s a riot.

After more discussion, Palmer says that the winner is … Kevin! (Yea!)

Kevin reminds everyone that he has a pig tattoo and, if he looks hard enough, he can probably find one of a bottle of Pinot in there somewhere, too.

Kevin also wins a spot in next year’s P&P event. Oooh, Kevin you got such a purdy mouth. .... Soooo-eeeeeey!

The four head back to the Stewed Room and call up the bottom three … Ash, Laurine and Robin.

Ash curses a blue streak as he heads to his doom.

Once they’ve left, DoucheyMike thinks aloud that he hopes the judges “make the right decision this time.” When someone asks what that is, the Robin Haters Club is called to order.

“We all know what the right decision is. Big ‘R,” little ‘o-b-i-n.’ … I hope grandma goes.”

And she’s a doodiehead too! You forgot to add that. Now go back to formulating your flowchart about how you’ll put a tack on her chair while Eli sticks a frog in her desk.

Suspenseful music!

In front of the judges, Robin pretends she knew what she was doing. The judges say they thought her sauce was “a little gummy” and her pork was cut too thin.

When they question Ash, the Last Gay Standing once more shows that he’s really good at assessing exactly what went wrong after it’s gone wrong. Which is a shame, since in a real-world setting he’d probably take that and deliver some really great food without the pressure cooker environment and time constraints.

Alas, it may be too late for him here.

He explains the dish he originally planned on making (but was talked out of by DoucheyMike, though he doesn’t say that part). That dish, says Palmer, is something that he  WOULD have liked.

Ruh row.

The inquisition moves on to Laurine. And the question is, will someone have the nerve to mention Dana’s “cat food” comment, especially since Dana’s not at the table. Anyone? TurdFace, we’re looking at you.

Probably because he’s still sore from her stealing his putdown about someone’s dish last season, TurdFace demurs.

Palmer asks Laurine how one makes a rillette and she explains. She’s immediately schooled by the master who explains that she has it all wrong and, hence, was doomed to failure from the start.

Meanwhile, I munch on my own specialty recipe, a delicious concoction I call “California Seedless Grapes.”

The three are sent away.

Back in the Stewed Room, we see that Ash is pretty fed up with Padma (which is clarified in several post-show interviews). He’s particularly mad that she says he “forgot flavor” in making his dish. (It seems she’s never said a single positive thing about anything he’s made, something I hadn’t noticed until he pointed it out.)

“She always has such lovely things to say,” he says.

The judges deliberate and reiterate what they’ve said before. Feeling he hasn’t yet been the total TurdFace he was last season, Toby amps things up by saying Robin’s sauce was “like the gunk you get at the bottom of a cup of instant coffee.”

Tom looks at him with another of his “Boy, you’re being a total shit for the cameras!” looks, which we haven’t seen since last season.

No one liked Robin’s dish. Ash is slammed for never making “his” food and, now that he says he did, it wasn’t a winning dish. And Lauine’s just wasn’t good.

Fakeout scene!

Comedy music. In the Stewed Room, Eli is really stewed. He’s full of himself and rehashing his smackdown with Robin. And BrotherMichael shows us how to properly send the mama’s boy ‘round the bend by insisting that all of his interactions with the woman are failed attempts at flirting with her.

This drives the drunken gnome out of his Oedipal mind.

BM calls Eli everyone’s “little brother,” adding that he’s an “awesome” kid.

For the third time, Eli revisits the story and BM ends it with “… and then they have sex.”

“They did?” deadpans BrotherBryan.

“Seriously, are you fucking dysfunctional?”

“Did you get to second base?” chides BM.

“Seriously, can you fucking stop, because you’re pissing me off.”

Best Fakeout Scene Ever Over!

When we come back the three bottoms are back before the judges (and the Turd).

After another quick shaming …

“Ash, please pack your knives and go.”

I weep.

As he goes, he tells us that he feels that he should have made his original dish. And he’s going to invite everyone to a dinner party to taste it. Everyone … EXCEPT Padma.

Oooh, snap.

Next time on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars! Laurine in a dress! And how will The Brothers handle The Anchor Known As Robin?