Top Chef Las Vegas: Because Nickel Slots Are Just So Inspirational

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Because Nickel Slots Are Just So Inspirational
November 11,2009

Previously on Top Chef: Robin was still there. Everyone resented that fact. A pretty girl who made a few bad movies made everyone cook vegetarian dishes. And when it was over, Kevin won again, BrotherMichael was pissy about it and, hysterically, DoucheyMike took a hike.

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Morning. People are busy missing their loved ones and making ample use of the sponsor plastic products. And, as he gets to have a conversation with his toddler son, Chef BrotherBryan explains that this contest is a “very unique” opportunity. (Far more one-of-a-kind than other ones, which I guess are one-and-a-half-a-kind?)

The last ladies in the challenge, Chef Jennifer (looking more and more like a she was left out in the rain) and Robin (who is still, well, Robin), are worried that they’re the next to go.

And it’s off to …

No, not the sponsoriffic kitchen at the stellar Budget Inn Resort and Casino. Nope, this time, they’ve been sent to the room service kitchen, deep in the bowels of the Laughing Jackalope Motel.

And where’s Padma? … A phone rings. A stranger answers. “It’s for you.”

Robin finds this “awesome.”

Quickfire Challenge

On speaker phone, Padma tells the chefs that she’s in bed with another woman.

Yeah, we thought that would wake up the straight guys.

The other woman is another mega-hottie, one Nigella Lawson. (Again, I should know who this person is, but I don’t. But she does have quite the TV Q rating.) However, the two are pretty clearly fully dressed, wearing bathrobes over their clothes and in separate beds. There goes that lesbian fantasy right out the window.

Padma tells the chefs that they will have to create a room service breakfast to be served to the Sapphic buzzkills in bed.

The chefs will be serving in pairs. Cooking first, Robin and Chef “I’ll Always Love My Mama” Eli.

Right out of the gate, Robin goes back to being her usual, unfocused mess. (Being as I was once told I was this, I looked up the word once: Emergent.)

Eli works on his play on a corned beef Reuben, using hollandaise instead of Thousand Island dressing. Robin plans on making blintzes, but is, as we said, a mess, and she ends up with one blintz per plate. (It’s tragic, really.)

As Robin and Eli go off to follow the complicated treasure map to the ladies’ suite, Chef BrotherMichael The Pissy gets pissy about how Robin left her station a mess and how he has to spend a whole five minutes cleaning up after her, leaving him with only 20 minutes out of his allotted 30.

Which begs the question about what he did with the other five. … Pissed it away, I assume.

Robin finally makes it to the womens’ suite, having come all the way from the “dregs” of the hotel where the kitchen is located.

Somehow, I don’t think she meant that the kitchen was the most worthless part of the hotel. What would the hotel owners think of that sediment?

She serves her blinz with goat cheese. It gets no visible response.

Eli then serves his “Reuben benedict,” which he says he picked because he normally doesn’t eat breakfast because his mom doesn’t get him out of bed early enough.

Nigella says it’s a good “hangover” breakfast, I assume because the sight of Eli in one’s bedroom in the morning would naturally involve having been totally hammered the night before.

Serving next are BrotherMIchael and Chef Kevin. BrotherMichael is particularly pissy as Robin (who says she was “told” to go get her stuff) gets in his way as he struggles to put the finishing touches on his dish. And, true to form, Robin gets just as touchy when he barks at her to get out of his way.

It’s a drama unlike any other.

BrotherMichael eventually serves his “huevos Cubanos” and, to his surprise, it’s a hit.

Next, Kevin arrives with his play on steak and eggs. And that, too, is adored by the steamy, splayed starlets.

The last pair to cook are BrotherBryan and Jennifer, who seems to still be missing her brain stem. (All units are advised to be on the lookout for it, as it was last spotted leaving a backyard dinner party in October.)

Jennifer of the Missing Brain Stem proudly tells us that she makes room service breakfast all the time and will be preparing … chipped beef on toast, or as it is known in the military, Shit On A Shingle.

Oh, how I wish I was making that up.

As Jennifer serves her unfortunate dish,  Nigella is visibly reluctant to eat something that was just called “Shit on a Shingle.” BrotherBryan’s four-minute egg doesn’t go over too well, either, since it has a strong dessert-y aroma of vanilla.

Moments later, the ladies are de-robed, dressed and delivering the verdict on the dishes.

Nigella declares that the worst dishes were BrotherBryan’s vanilla thunder and Robin’s “one-note” blintz of unfocused cookery.

As for the best, she says those were Kevin’s steak and eggs and Eli’s take on the Reuben which “slapped” Nigella’s jet lag right out of her.

I understand tabasco in the eye and Eli’s face also have that same effect on people.

Still, Eli gets the win. And though he (thankfully) doesn’t win immunity, he does get the honor of being the only chef from this season to be placed in this holiday season’s 32nd Top Chef branded product.

Elimination Challenge

For their next challenge, the chefs will have to create a dish inspired by one of six Las Vegas casinos which ponied up big bucks for the product placement. And since they all can’t make smoked ham with smoked herring in a douchey vinegar reduction, they’ll have to dig deep this time.

Out comes the knife block and the chefs get a pickin’.

• BrotherBryan picks the Banal Mayday

• Eli picks the Best Western Circus City Inn of Peru, Indiana

• BrotherMichael picks the Gotham, Manhattan (and parts of Buffalo)

• Kevin picks the Oasis Palms

• Jennifer picks the Medieval Times Resort, and

• Robin gets the Bagel Oil (a/k/a Fountains! Fountains! Fountains!)

The chefs will be preparing catered dishes for 175 guests at some Las Vegas convention hall, which, if the sign with the burned-out letters is correct, is called the “World Market Cent.”

Padma wishes the “gentlemen” goodbye and says she will see them all for the judging. (Which I figure tells Robin and Jennifer that they can start packing now.)

Next, we get to see each of the chefs go visit their casino overlords to get that inspiration.

BrotherMichael is inspired by Gotham’s fake little Statue of Liberty, its little fake fire boat and its tiny, fake Mayor Bloomberg sitting atop his huge pile of real cash. So, naturally, he is inspired to make a twist on Buffalo chicken wings.

Jennifer then ambles about the Medieval Times where, strangely, there aren’t people running up to her asking what the time on her portable sundial says and shouting “huzzah!” She takes in a jousting show, tells us she has no idea what she’s going to make and takes her stein off to go find a beer wench.

BrotherBryan arrives at the Banal Mayday and decides he’ll go look at the hotel’s shark reef exhibit. He quickly decides to be inspired by a sign next to the sharks which discusses “sustainability." And since he has the same range of facial expressions as the underwater predators, he also decides to buy a toy stuffed shark for his son to remind him of his daddy.

Meanwhile, Robin is delivered to the Bagel Oil to take in the ambiance. There, she’s instantly struck by the overpowering glass artwork of Dale Chihuly.

(Note: I do not care for this art. Many do. I don’t. Never have. I shall strive not to say “figures” every time I see Robin enthuse about it. … Damn! I did it already. Sorry.)

As she examines the glasswork, Robin tells us that she’s actually an artist first. (So, maybe she’s good at _that_?) And that she wants to incorporate her food into her art, or maybe do it the other way around. Because you probably don’t want people licking your sculptures.

Kevin then arrives at the Oasis Palms where he gets to pet a dolphin and tell us about how he’s not a redneck (despite that mane of red fur all around the area of his … neck.)

He explains that he’s about simple food and is not about “style over substance.” Which makes one wonder what the hell he’s doing in Vegas.

Lastly, Eli’s mommy takes him to the circus. He makes a break for it. And before he can be corralled into the Lost Parents ring, he goes on a mad dash looking for ponies and elephants and bears! But Poor Eli is upset, for there are no ponies, elephants and bears! Nope, there are only claw machines, skee ball games, burned-out neon letters and a lot of scary carny folk with cups of quarters.

Next, we see the chefs back at the Casa Cuisine where they are comparing notes.

There, Eli tells the gang his harrowing tale about how he got separated from mommy and was frightened by a clown. It makes everyone vewy, vewy sad.

The next morning, the producers treat us to the mouth-watering view of … a shirtless, inky Kevin first thing in the morning.

Gah!! Show us the aquarium instead! … Thank you.

Well, now that I’ve lost any appetite I may have had, we head right past the sponsormart and straight into the kitchen.

There, Robin explains that she’s going to (once again) make something she’s never done before. This time, it’s making “glass” out of sugar, to be indicative of the hotel’s art work. And she thinks that sabotaging herself is just “awesome.”

Jennifer, meanwhile, is pouring several bottles of wine into a pot, presumably to make everyone so drunk they will forget how much she’s been sucking wind these past few weeks.

Over in EliLand, the gnome is pouring every food substance connected with the circus into a pot. And he plans to garnish his dish with some delightful “pulverized popcorn.” Because that sounds _delicious_. I’m choking on the imagined deliciousness, even.

And he even thinks he can get in a dig at Robin, saying how she’s managed to stay in the race week after week, despite delivering poor dishes. “Hopefully,” he says, “the buck’s about to run out on that one.”

Eli, the luck stops here.

Time runs out and they head to the World Market Cent, which Eli Who Never Paid Attention In English Class describes as a “massive, George Orwellian, 1984-style place” which he thinks is a “cool energy to try to showcase casinos.”

I so wanna kick this guy in the nuts.

As the chefs set up their stations, Robin discovers that her sugar “did not travel well” and now looks like so many broken beer bottles. (Myself, I think that could work. But maybe that’s how I most envision Chihuly’s artwork. … Drat! I did it again!)

And, a moment later, the throng arrives. Kevin makes a cute joke about giving people an imaginary dish (to go with his hotel’s illusionary theme). And then the judges arrive.

As always, we have Padma and Tom. There is the guest judge, the smokin’ hot Nigella (in honor of the casinos' most prominent feature?) and _again_ then there is the talking bunion known as Toby Young.

Where’s Gail, damnit!?

The judges first arrive at Jennifer’s station where she’s prepared a big hunk of New York strip steak with a “spear” sticking into it. She says it’s to signify the Sword and the Stone. Sadly, that’s what the judges think of it, since it seems hard as a rock and they could use a sword to cut it.

Poor Jennifer.

Next, it’s Kevin’s desert oasis-inspired dish of sockeye salmon with napa cabbage and cucumber. It’s a major hit.

This is followed by BrotherMichael’s Buffalo’s A Long Way From Da Bronx play on chicken wings with blue cheese. It, too, is adored by all.

Then, it’s on to Robin’s predictable mess. She’s made a panna cotta. And she helpfully explains to the judges what she made that didn’t work out, bringing out the broken sugar bits that she explains she didn’_ put on the plate. Tom makes a face that screams, “And why exactly did we keep her around, again?”

And while the dish smells OK, the judges all agree that the panna cotta is too solid and the inspirational aspect which would have helped, the “glass” shards, would have helped had they appeared on the plate.

This is followed by a trip to BrotherBryan’s station where he serves them an escabèche of halibut consommé and accent aigu. And the judges like it and its unexpected flavor of accent grave.

Lastly, they go to Eli’s basement to sample his Cup O’ Stuff I Found Under The Bleachers At The Circus. The gnome seems particularly excited to talk about the pretty pink dome he saw while he was lost and how he put that into his cup. The judges patiently listen to him like adults at a four-year old’s violin recital. But once they’re eating the dish, they gag on it, with Nigella barely able to bring herself to ingest the refuse.

As they clear the vile taste out of their mouths, The Talking Bunion trots out a simile he’s clearly been saving up for just the right moment, saying how Eli’s taken a gamble and lost, like so many Vegas visitors.

Oh, I can see why they brought him back!

Fakeout scene!

The chefs end their day with an appearance in an infomercial for Asti Spumante! Thrilling!

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

In the Stewed Room, Kevin tries to gauge how everyone did and both Jennifer and Robin give him the stink eye.

“That good, huh?”

Padma arrives. She calls up … Kevin, BrotherBryan and BrotherMichael.

Shocker.

Once in front of the judges (and The Bunion), the three chefs’ dishes are praised. Then, proving his worth once more, The Plantar Wart admires BrotherMichael’s cooking, saying it’s “delicate, and sometimes quite effeminate.”

effeminate |iˈfemənət|
adjective
(of a man) having or showing characteristics regarded as typical of a woman; unmanly.

Huh?

After the hosannas have all been sung, Nigella congratulates the winner of the challenge … BrotherMichael!

Of course, he rejoices by shrieking in girlish delight and mincing about the room madly.

And as his extra reward, Nigella awards him a giant box of Franzia wine and a two-day trip to the Franzia family vineyards! Woo hoo! Booze it up, boys (and Michael)!

Next, it’s time for the three bottoms to take their medicine.

On her way into the Chamber of Doom, Robin, already defeated, makes her third comment about being ready to be cut. (Did she just want to outlast DoucheyMike and then go home?)

Once in front of the judges, the chefs take their lumps.

Tom gives Jennifer hints on how she probably should have gone had she wanted to suggest medieval cooking. Nigella restates her witticism about “needing Excalibur” to cut the meat. And The Toenail Fungus consults his Pocket Metaphor Guide For Assholes and declares the dish “more Spamalot than Camelot.”

Really? Did someone actually want this fucker back for a second season?

When they turn their attention to Robin, the bottomest chef explains how _yet again_ she took to working with things with which she’d never worked before. Things like spun sugar. And panna cotta. Which was all there was to her dish.

Here the British Lady Hotness explains that a panna cotta should have the “quiver of a 17th Century courtesan’s inner thigh,” which makes me wonder two things. First, how old is she? And, hmm, maybe there could have been a girl-on-girl thing we missed.

Then they turned to Eli’s floor scrapings in a cup. Tom calls it a “failure” and Padma says she would “never want to eat that again.”

So, of course, he’s going home, right?

The chefs are sent away to go cry while they await the verdict.

As the judges discuss how Jennifer’s fallen so far and has seemingly lost her will to go on, we see her saying that she’s lost her will to go on.

As we see the judges discuss how Robin has been trying to live up to the showy skills of the competition when that’s not her style, we see her saying the same thing to her colleagues.

And as we see the judges discuss the retching mess that was Eli’s sawfust-y sideshow slop, we see Eli not saying anything while Kevin tells him he needs to make that dish several times before he’d be able to get it right.

Finally, they’re called back in.

While we wait through the commercial, let’s see what we _haven’t_ seen this week. No reference to Robin being a mom. No reference to Robin being a cancer survivor. No Robin-annoying-the-shit-out-of-everyone-by-gabbing-incessantly.

Yeah, Robin’s gone.

“Robin … please pack your knives and go.”

Didn’t see that one comin’.

She sobs and hugs the other chefs as she walks out.

You won’t have Robin to kick around anymore!

Next time on Top Chef: Chefs train for this for years. It’s the Chef-A-Lympics! Kevin’s upset that he’s made a mistake. And BrotherMichael gets all pissy (again) about Kevin’s food.