Top Chef Las Vegas: Presenting The Silver Platters!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Presenting The Silver Platters!
November 18, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were charged with making dishes inspired by a series of cheesy, smoke-filled places where people lose their life savings. BrotherMichael won the challenge by making a dish which seemed to confuse Buffalo with New York City. And, despite turning scrapings from a circus floor into an inedible dessert, Eli was spared and Robin was finally shown the door.

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It’s the morning of the chefs’ last challenge in Las Vegas. Chef BrotherBryan worries about how he’s going to pay his bills, Chef Kevin dons his Magic Jesus Amulet, Chef Jennifer hopes she’ll stop sucking and return to her former glory, and Chef Eli thinks he’s really clever quoting from The Princess Bride to make a stupid “I’m doing this to avenge Richard Blais” joke.

Did I mention this guy chafes my last nerve?

Moments later, the chefs arrive at the Laughing Jackalope Motel Resort And Casino and enter the Kitchen O’ Logos for the …

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs are greeted by Padma, seemingly fresh from doing the Paso Doble in a neighboring ballroom competition, and her wee celebrity chef friend, one Gavin Kaysen.

Kevin recognizes Gavin as someone who won some fancy foodie award for which he has (only) been nominated. (Which explains why he’s on the other end of the judging table, doesn’t it, mister?)

Gavin, Padma explains, represented the U.S. in some super, duper fancy foodie competition. I believe it’s called the Beaucoup D’Gorp (translation: Lots of Gorp). We see footage of this event and it seems much like the Olympics™®©, only with taller hats and wider waistbands.

(Side note: Also like the sporting events, the Brazilians seem to routinely wave their flag upside down. Check the tape if you think I made that up.)

For his shot at the Beaucoup D’Gorp, Gavin explains, he made a balanchine balance-shin ballotine, which was consisted of crayfish inside of chicken liver, inside of chicken. Think of it as the Russian nesting doll of food.

And it only took him four months to come up with that.

So, naturally, these chefs will have 90 minutes to make a similar protein inside a protein inside a protein.

Go!

Now, I know nothing of these things. So, all I could think when I heard this was “turducken.”

“So, I’m going to make a ‘turducken,’ ” quips Jennifer.

I knew I liked this one.

Of course, though, that’s not what she makes. Which is for the best, I suppose.

BrotherBryan says that the chefs who have made ballotines before will do better. But BrotherMichael insists that this isn’t about making a ballotine, but using three proteins, one inside another.

Kevin sees what the other chefs are doing and doesn’t see how they could pull it off in 90 minutes, so he’s making something more basic. Eli, similarly, is working on a version of a Scotch egg (minus the Scotch).

He thinks the judge may think it’s “awesome” … or he may not.

As they cook, Jennifer again shows her insecurity with something unfamiliar and we’re treated to BrotherMichael saying that he thinks she’s done for. Which, of course, means she's not.

Time!

Padma and Gavin first taste Eli’s bacon-crusted breakfast sausage with an egg center. They don’t comment on it.

Next is BrotherMichael’s “poultry terrine,” which is chicken with turkey and bacon. Again, no comment is made. (Myself, I couldn’t know a terrine from a meat loaf, but I don’t see the “inside of” requirement on the plate.)

Third up is Jennifer’s calamari steak inside scallops inside salmon. (Or perhaps I got that backwards. I may be food dyslectic.) They seem to instantly take to it, with Padma even saying “welcome back” to the prodigal cheftesant.

They then head to BrotherBryan’s station where they try his rack of lamb and sausage wrapped in caul fat. (Side note: I _really_ wish I didn’t just look up what “caul” is. I really do.) Again, the judges don’t comment on it.

Lastly, they taste Kevin’s fried fillet of catfish with scallop and shrimp. Once again, there’s no comment.

When Gavin issues his ruling, he declares Kevin’s dish to be too dry and BrotherMichael’s to not have fulfilled the “a protein inside of a protein inside of a protein” requirement.

Kevin disagrees with the assessment. And BrotherMichael makes poutyface over the judgment, snarking that had he been asked to make a ballotine he would have made a ballotine. And it would have been better than Gavin’s food-o-lympics one.

Pouty dickishness, it seems, will be the motif for the rest of the season.

Gavin says that the three best are the dishes from BrotherBryan, Eli and Jennifer. And the winner of the challenge is … Jennifer! (Yea!)

BrotherMichael makes poutyface. Again.

Elimination Challenge

Padma explains that for this final Las Vegas challenge, the chefs will be competing in their own faux food-o-lympics challenge, we’ll call it the Bow-Coo Door. They will have to create an elaborate protein dish with two elaborate side dishes to be served on an elaborate floor-length mirror and presented to a collection of 12 elaborate judges. I expect dangling medallions and appropriate anthems will also be required.

BrotherMichael makes poutyface.

Padma explains that, although she doesn’t win immunity, Jennifer has earned the advantage of having an extra 30 minutes in which to present her platter of pomp.

She thinks that’s “awesome.”

Oh, and one of the hoity toity judges will be yet another super-duper chef whose name reduces them all to a melted pool of Béarnaise sauce, one Thomas Keller.

The criteria for this challenge, Padma adds, will be taste, creativity and the ability to succeed without the use of performance-enhancing spices.

After the break, the chefs jump in their Yugos and head off to Albertson’s for supplies. Afterwards, it’s back to the Casa Cuisine for a night of stressing.

As soon as they return, though, BrotherMichael climbs into bed, still wearing all his clothes, including his chef smock. (??) Meanwhile, the rest of the gang sits around and looks at a DVD of the regular Beaucoup D’Gorp, which looks really strange, what with people waving flags and shaking tambourines over food. Food they can’t taste.

Once they finish watching the footage, Kevin grills BrotherBryan about how to properly sous-vide his meat. BrotherBryan proves he’s a stand-up guy by sharing this information with his more “down home” colleague/competitor, something he suggests he brother would probably not do.

Yay for Bryan. What he lacks in personality, he sure makes up for in character.

Next, we see the chefs arrive at the kitchen of the El Cortez Resort and Casino to start cooking.

But first … (thank you, Julie Chen) … Tom arrives to give the chefs additional freak-out fuel. He has with him the super-chef who makes all the world’s cooks tremble like a tower of flan, Thomas Keller. The super-chef greets them, and Tom bids them good luck with a hearty “awesome.”

That word has so many uses. Someday, it will be the only word used for any part of speech.

As they cook, the chefs explain their dishes and cream over Keller. And as Kevin makes his dish, BrotherMichael is trotted out to make poutyface and insist once more that Kevin’s food is good, but “is the food that I cook on my day off.”

Tom arrives for his mid-show stress inducements. The chefs explain their dishes and Tom exits to give us his thoughts.

Hey, it fills time.

Then, Tom returns with one more bit of pressure. The winner of the challenge, he explains, will also earn a prize of $30,000, courtesy of the Laughing Jackelope Motel Resort and Casino.

They’re all stunned. I imagine Eli pictures how he would use it to buy his mother a vacation (on the condition that he can still keep sleeping in her basement, of course).

After the break, the esteemed panel of palates arrives while back in the kitchen Kevin finishes up his dish. He tells us that while the Beaucoup D’Gorp is normally about elaborate food presented elaborately, he’s not doing that. Instead, he’s going to keep doing his home-style food with elaborate flavors and will present them in a nice, neat bundle.

What he puts on his door-size platter, though, doesn’t seem so much “nice” and “neat” to my eyes as it does a “loaf of meat.”

As his platter is carried out by a small army of waiters, Kevin points out for us this week’s judges, Padma, Tom and Gail. (No Toby! Yea!) Joining them are the previously mentioned Pocket Chef Gavin and a host of other lunching luminaries.

As Kevin presents his meal, he explains that he chose lamb (over salmon, the other available choice) for “sustainability” reasons. This leads Keller to ask if the lamb was from a “sustainable” farm.

Which leads me to wonder, is there a chance this would be _wild_ lamb, hunted to near extinction from a country wilderness? Or does “sustainable” mean a whole lot more than my feeble mind thinks it does?

Once they taste the food, everyone thinks it’s great, but from this competition’s hyper-critical viewpoint, it’s not as elaborate as one would expect.

Next up is sweaty BrotherMichael and his salmon platter with sides. As he serves, he explains that he wanted to present “Mediterranean” flavors. Once he’s gone, the chefs pick it apart, criticizing the flavors, adding that calling it “Mediterranean” “threw him under the bus.”

DING! DING! DING! We have achieved “under the bus!” Card down! If you had “stern lady guest judge” and Episode 12 for “under the bus” come on down and claim your very own, brand new, super-exciting Hula Chair!

Then someone finds a bone. And, for once, it’s not Padma. Imagine.

Back in the kitchen, time is running out for BrotherBryan and he’s struggling. Jennifer, who has an extra thirty minutes of cooking time, offers to help, which he thinks is “awesome.” She lends a hand and the land-mass-sized platter is carried out.

He presents his lamb dish (and sides) and everyone immediately remarks on his novel presentation of a garlic chip. But once they taste the dish, things turn ugly as they remark that the lamb was undercooked. Still, though, everyone thinks that had he had enough time, it could have been a winning dish.

Next comes Eli who presents his lamb loin (with sides). Once he’s gone, the judges tear apart the dish, noting that it’s not been carved evenly and is “unpleasant,” much like its cook.

Finally, Jennifer brings out her salmon preparation. It certainly _looks_ like the most remarkable dish of the day. She explains how she cooked the salmon “unilaterally” and pulled this all off without having ever cooked in competition before.

After she’s left, though, stern lady guest judge says that the dish isn’t very well thought-out, despite tasting good. And as for the salmon, some diners report having portions that were prepared perfectly and others say theirs is undercooked.

Overall, it gets mixed reviews.

The diners finish their meals, raise their glasses to Chef Beaucoup for whom the D’Gorp is named and then they call out the chefs to give them one last piece of news.

The winner of the challenge, will not only be going to the finals in Napa Valley and earning the $30,000 bonus prize, he or she will _also_ get a spot to compete for the U.S. at the 2011 Beaucoup D’Gorp.

Gorp for everyone!

The chefs head back to the kitchen for a series of sentimental shots of them cleaning up the kitchen. (Seriously, what other show would dare show us such gripping moments of people sponging down countertops?)

Fakeout scene!

Sitting in the Stewed Room, the final five deliver the answers to life’s most vexing mysteries. Jennifer tells us who was really on the grassy knoll. Kevin tells us where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. BrotherBryan explains how Stonehenge was created. BrotherMichael illustrates the island on Lost. And Eli tells us how he lost his virginity.

Nah. They just sit around and say how cool it has been to be here. … What? You thought someone would actually sleep with Eli?

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

Padma calls all five of the finalists before the judges.

[Dramatic music.]

BrotherMichael is slammed for calling cauliflower “Mediterranean.” He listens patiently. He’s called out for the bone someone found in his food. He makes poutyface.

BrotherBryan is slammed for presenting underdone lamb.

Kevin is criticized for not making something more complex.

Tom explains to Jennifer exactly what she did wrong and why her fish servings weren’t evenly cooked.

Eli gets it for serving fatty sausage and fatty lamb cuts.

And Tom ends it all by saying how good everyone is.

I’m sensing a disconnect here. And I’m left wondering if they’re _all_ going home and this season will be a lot shorter than I expected.

Still, I know this whole challenge was about a higher level of criticism, so it’s about who’s closest to perfect.

After the usual deliberation, the five are called back in for the final verdict.

Chef Gorp announces that the winner of the Showroom Showcase is … Kevin! (Yea!)

(To his credit, BrotherMichael does not react this time, as Kevin is presented with a pile of books and a XXXL Beaucoup D’Gorp chef smock.)

 Noting that the $30,000 prize is almost what he makes in a year, Kevin seeks to earn his keep by breaking into a testimonial for his new overlord, the Jackelope Motor Inn Resort And Casino.

Gooooo, Jackelope!

Then it’s time for the bad news (if it’s anyone but Eli).

Tom reminds us of each of the four presentations’ failings and Padma intones …

“Eli, please pack your knives and go.”

And the angels sing.

And new for an Eli-to-English primer.

What he says: “I could stomach that I got this far.”

What he means: “I’m glad I made it further than Robin did.”

What he says: “I’m not in a situation where I pooched it.”

What he means: “I didn’t ‘screw the pooch.’  Also, I’m a total moron who can’t even master slang terms, much less English.”

What he says: “It’s a mixed gamut of emotions.”

What he means: See above.

Next time on Top Chef: It’s time for the Final Four. And they’re in Napa. With different haircuts! Tune in!