Top Chef Las Vegas: Finally, Pt. 2 (Or, Three Chefs, Two Moms)

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Finally, Pt. 2 (Or, Three Chefs, Two Moms)
December 9, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The final four chefs arrived in Napa Valley for the first part of the final challenge. Onboard a train, they made grape-ish dishes and, for having the winning vineyard-y offering, Michael won a brand! new! car! Afterward, they catered a party for crush fetishists (or something like that) and, when it was all over, our dear Jennifer was sent packing.

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OK, kiddos. If you’re reading this, you no doubt watched the show and you know who won. And if you’re me, you’re thinking, “Damn it to all bloody hell. When it’s ‘all about the  food’ and ‘great chefs making great food’ it’s nearly impossible to be freakin’ entertaining.”

So, that’s my internal monologue.

And off we go …

We’re still in Napa Valley (no major troop movements since last week, thank goodness) and our three final chefs are still Chef Kevin Of Beardlandia, Chef Bryan Of Stäubli Robotics Corp. and Chef Michael Of Ferrari Le Tigra Blue Steel. And right out of the gate, Kevin decides to prove to us that he’s “stoked” to be in the finale by cursing a lot.

Oh, you never noticed the cherubic one had such a potty mouth, did ya? Maybe it’s because he doesn’t curse in anger. Or maybe it’s that whole cherubic thing.

The three chefs go on about how great they each are and it’s off to the vineyard to meet Tom and Padma-And-A-Half. Tom tells the three that they will each be preparing a three-course meal … with a twist! The twist: The chefs will each receive a box with identical ingredients. One of the three dishes must use all of the ingredients in this mystery box.

(I would make a joke about the movie Seven here. But I’ve never seen it. … But I know what’s in the box. Which is probably why I’ve never seen it. … Moving on.)

Tom says that for the second course, they can make anything they wish with anything they find in the pantry. And for the third course, they will have to make a dessert.

They will serve their dinners at the local two-star rated Applebee’s before some of the “preeminent restaurateurs in the country.”

After the requisite griping from the chefs about cooking constraints, we get the expected/unexpected “and here come your helpers now!” moment.

Out from the vines step each and every one of the chefs already eliminated this season, led by Jennifer, who bears the knife block of doom. Padma explains that each remaining cheftestant will get two of their fallen comrades to act as their sous chefs for the final challenge. One will cook with them on Day One and the other will cook with them on Day Two.

None of them will utter a word on camera. Which, considering how much I can’t stand one of the sous chef selectees, is just as well.

Michael speaks for the three finalists in saying how there are “some” names that no one wants to pull. (Everyone look at Robin and cough casually. Maybe she won’t notice.)

They get a knife-pullin’.

Kevin gets Preeti. He’s concerned.

Bryan gets Jennifer. He’s thrilled.

Michael gets Jesse. (Uh, who? I didn’t recognize her without the Aunt Jemima headgear and with the new blonde ‘do.)

Kevin gets Ash. Now, I’m thrilled.

Bryan gets Ashley. Which is making me wonder if this week’s knife block is sponsored by Team Rainbow© (Since Season Five).

Michael gets Eli The Basement-Dwelling Gnome. (Side note: I fully expect Eli to star in the second season of VH-1’s new hit show, Frank the Entertainer… in a Basement Affair. Pass it on.)

After the pickin’, Kevin expresses jealousy that his two competitors got the two chefs  with whom he was most familiar (Jennifer and Eli).

With fifteen minutes to plan, the chefs and their sous chefs head back to the Applebee’s kitchen to see what’s in the box. We see that it’s a collection of shit I wouldn’t recognize with a lifetime subscription to both Food & Wine and Field & Stream. So, I’m just gonna say that in there they find a rare fish, a rare mushroom, a rare lemon, a rare green vegetable and some other stuff.

After their time is up, the Day Two helpers say goodbye and the finalists get three hours to work. Jesse helps Michael. Ashley helps Bryan. And Preeti cuts some vegetables, much to the consternation of Kevin, who has to do 90 percent of the rest of the prep work.

That’s one pissed off lumberjack/chef you got there.

In the kitchen, we get more of compare-and-contrast Brothers Voltaggio action. Michael says he’s the risk taker and Bryan’s more programmed. To prove this, Michael asks Bryan for a nine-volt battery for some gizmo and Bryan produces one from behind his rear panel.

And, before you know it, Day One is over.

As Day Two dawns, the chefs are sitting around planning their meals when there is a knock at the door. Uh-oh, think the chefs. This has to be a final twist!

Kevin opens the door, expecting expecting Padma with the final monkey wrench, and is instead startled to see … his mother. And coming in right behind her is Michael’s and Bryan’s mom, too!

Hugs. Tears. And more brother drama, now with added which-one-does-mom-love-best flavor!

Once that’s done, it’s back to Applebee’s for more cooking. But wait! Tom’s stopping them to deliver the final twist.

Insert Bryan robot laugh here.

Tom tells the three that, in “honor” of their moms' totally unexpected and unplanned visit, they will have to add one more course to their menus. The now first-course-of-four will be something that's inspired by their moms and their favorite childhood dish.

Go!

While they cook, we get the requisite grainy pictures of the chefs as kids and a wealth of biographical information. From this, I learn that Michael and Bryan are actually brothers. Also, Kevin was really smart to grow that beard.

Bryan attempts a vocal exercise while he cooks, muttering “tuna noodle, tuna noodle, tuna noodle” to warm up his larynx. And work commences.

For the first course, Kevin’s making something involving fried chicken skin, Bryan’s being inspired by his mantra, and Michael’s making something with dehydrated broccoli, since he hated broccoli as a kid.

As for the mystery box dish, Kevin’s struggling a bit with the mushrooms, but is pleased that, unlike Preeti, Ash is able to take on a great deal of the prep work. (Goooo, Ash!)

For the third dish, Michael’s making squab, Bryan’s making venison, Kevin’s making pork belly … and I’m fresh out of funny for any of this. I just wanna eat.

Lastly, for their desserts, Michael has planned some sort of complicated chocolate cake creation, Kevin is making a roasted banana with chocolate bacon (chocolate bacon?!?) and Bryan is ready to go with a dulce de leche cheesecake.

OK, now I’m really hungry. And coming from someone who’s generally immune to the charms of desserts, that’s saying something.

Plating, plating, plating. Aaaaaand … time!

In the dining room, we see that the judges and guests are already seated. And we also see that (surprise!) the moms are also at the table. (OK, now that’s just mean. How are people supposed to be able to vivisect a chef right in front of his mom?)

Padma & The Decolletage instantly address the expected awkwardness by asking the moms to forgive anyone for saying that their sons’ dishes are akin to nuclear waste. (Everyone look at Toby Young and cough discreetly.) Once that’s been dealt with, it’s on to the food.

The chefs come out from the kitchen and are shocked to see their mothers there. “This isn’t fair,” says Bryan, stating the obvious.

Pads introduces the judges, Tom, Gail, the Walking Fungus Known As Toby Young and the various restaurateurs, a group which includes several men best known for their work modeling haircuts on the walls of Italian barber shops coast-to-coast.

The chefs present their first dishes. First up, Kevin’s fried chicken skin. Second is Bryan’s take on tuna noodle casserole, now transformed into sardines on toast. And third is “Champion Eater” Michael with his “I said I hate broccoli!” cream of dehydrated broccoli with prawn.

Kevin’s dish gets high praise. And not just from his mama.

The Walking Fungus loves Bryan’s sardine, but most of the others weren’t nearly as enthused.

And Michael’s broccoli creation gets mixed reviews.

After that course is finished, the mothers are dismissed. Everyone heaves a sigh of relief, as now they can be as mean as they wanna be without being seen as Jeffrey Sebelia-esque monsters.

Then, it’s time for the second course, the mystery box dish. (Again, I don’t know jack shit about these ingredients. So, screw the details.)

Kevin made his mystery ingredients in a broth and served the mushrooms largely whole. This, the judges feel, is a huge mistake, since this particular magic mushroom is very, very tough.

Bryan made his fish with curry. It doesn’t go over terribly well, either, with most folks feeling it was under-seasoned and rather “one-note.”

Michael, however, seems to have made magic with his ingredients, and everyone feels they’re finding new, fantastic flavors with every bite.

Out next is the third “chef’s choice” dish.

Kevin’s made a pork belly dish, Bryan a venison dish and Michael a complicated squab dish.

Bryan’s gets high praise for its taste and complexity. Michael’s does as well, though one guest finds his mushroom-shaped mushroom purée was an unnecessary “gimmick.” Here, though, it’s Kevin’s dish which seems to be the least popular.

Right before the fourth course comes out, Michael discovers that Eli The Barnacle has over-filled his tiny cake molds and, to make matters worse, the cakes are now a tad overcooked. Michael curses, upset that the quality of his final dish will be far from what he’d have liked.

They serve. Kevin presents his chocolate bacon banana (IMHO,  another great band name), Bryan his cheesecake with fig sorbet and Michael his slightly overcooked chocolate caramel coulant.

The judges aren’t really crazy about Kevin’s dish and one diner really doesn’t care for the idea of pork in a dessert. Michael’s cake is, as he feared, way too dry. Still, most of the diners feel they sense how it should have come out. Plus, they do adore everything else on the plate.

But here it’s Bryan’s cheesecake that blows everyone away, with Gail calling it “a pastry chef’s dish.”

Once the meal is over, the chefs hug and reflect on their chances.

Fakeout scene!

The chefs sit around waiting to be called before the judges. And … and … and that’s it.

I’m so glad I saw that!

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

Hey, you know how this went already, don’t you?

The chefs appear before the judges. The chefs explain themselves. And The Walking Fungus makes his usual pontifications of puffery.

Finally, before the chefs are sent off for the final judges' deliberations, they’re each asked the bullshit question of the season: “Why do you think you deserve to be named Top Chef?”

Does anyone really think a certain answer would change the judges’ minds at this stage? I mean, unless it’s one of those Carrie Prejean deals, of course.

Michael actually cuts through the bullshit best when he answers, “I just don’t want Bryan to win this.”

Aaaaaand, scene! Good one, boys! Way to put a button on this whole battle-of-the-brothers theme we’ve had going since minute one of this thing!

They’re sent away.

Blah, blah, blah. Deliberate, deliberate, deliberate.

The chefs get called back in.

Tom reviews each of the three’s merits. He praises Michael to the skies. He lauds Bryan mightily. And he says that Kevin “stayed true to (him)self.”

Pregnant pause.

Padma: “Kevin …  you are not Top Chef.”

Awwwww.

Kevin heads off to be consoled by his mama.

Which leaves us exactly where this whole thing was going from the start, with the two brothers standing side-by-side as the final two.

We get a moment of brotherly bonding and …

“Michael ... you are Top Chef.”

Hugs. Mama V enters and hugs her boys. Everyone gets really choked up. Even Michael, who actually weeps.

“There’s the emotion you were waiting for, Padma.”

My take on the outcome: Shrug. I figure Michael deserved it. Sure, he was cocky and dickish at times. But if there’s serious talent behind it (and it’s not really mean-spirited), I’m cool with that. As a viewer, I prefer winners with some personality to go along with their skill.

Which isn’t to say that I wouldn’t have been just as happy with any of the final four being named the winner. But I have to think that when two separate people call a chef a “Picasso,” there has to be something really, really special about their talents. No?

Well, until next season, this is Cliffie signing off!

Now can I get someone to make me a sammich?