Top Chef Las Vegas: Funny, This Doesn’t LOOK Like Vegas

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Funny, This Doesn’t LOOK Like Vegas
December 2, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The final five had their last-in-Vegas challenge, a quasi-recreation of some fancy, schmancy culinart Olympics (®USOC). Everyone spent a bundle and prepared platters which were served from huge floor-length mirrors. The complicated dishes were dissected and, when it was all over, Kevin Of The Simple Cooking beat out Michael Of The “I Cook That On My Day Off.” Oh, and Eli was finally sent off my TV.

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We’re down to the final four, Chefs Jennifer (Last Of The XX Chromosomes) and Kevin (Dr. Beardface, pronounced “beard-fah-SAY”) and Michael and Bryan (whom I suspect may be related somehow). It’s been weeks, if not months, since they were all in the kitchen in Las Vegas. Now, they’re gathering in the Napa Valley for the finale.

And just to mix things up, rather than show them gathering in the baggage claim at the airport, we get to see the cheftestants lugging their luggage onto a rainy train platform as they reminisce.

First up, Jennifer Of The Neglected Coiff. It seems that humidity is not her friend. She tells us that her mom would think that her making it to tenth place would be “awesome,” but she doesn’t want to settle for anything less than the title.

Next, Michael Poutface arrives. He tells Jennifer that during the off-time, he and Bryan have kept that “sibling rivalry” storyline alive in preparation for this very moment.

Out third is Kevin, looking exactly like a drowned rat. (I suspect he may have swum in from Atlanta somehow.)  Also, seeing as he hasn’t had a haircut in months, I suspect he may be earning a side income by performing in a local community theater production of Henry VIII.

Lastly, Bryan arrives, protecting his circuitry from the elements with a seven-foot gold umbrella. (Moisture voids  the warranty, doncha know.)

After they discuss their loved ones and their newfound fame, a train arrives. As each has an operating cerebellum, they know that this is where their next challenge will occur.

And when the train stops, out pops Padma sporting a new addition … some really horrible, severe bangs. Also with her, Top Chef Master vet (and stern daddy fantasy figure) Michael Chiarello.

BrotherMichael is enthused to be cooking for Chiarello, as he is an “awesome” chef.

Quickfire Challenge

For the chefs final Quickfire, they will be cooking with the area’s signature item, the grape. They’ll have 30 minutes, a selection or grapes and a full pantry. Oh, and they’ll be cooking on the moving train.

Also, this will be another one of these “high stakes” Quickfires. The prize this time, a brand new, super-exciting 1982 Plymouth Reliant! Oooooooh!

Jennifer finds this “awesome.”

And since we’re in need of some drama here, the producers try to create a tasty dish of “oh no!” out of Kevin’s tendency to motion sickness. It falls flatter than Sue Ann Niven’s soufflé after Phyllis slammed the oven door.

The chefs grab their coats, the train starts chugging along and the cooking begins. For the next half-hour, they work in the cramped quarters and Kevin tries to keep down his lunch.

The producers try to milk another drop out of this whole “sibling rivalry” thing by making a big deal of the fact that Michael snagged a prep table in the back before Bryan got to it.

Kevin worries that he chose a grape with less flavor than the others, particularly since he’s chosen to make a dessert dish. Bryan tells us he’s chosen the non-local Concord grape for his dish. Michael is jazzed that he’s using every part of the grape plant for his offering. And Jennifer chugs along muttering “I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!”

Woo! Woo! ... Time!

Kevin serves his grape-y dessert first. Chairello (naturally) likes the dish’s olive oil.

Second is Michael’s grapes on a grape twig skewer, scallops wrapped in grape leaves with a grape dressing. Or something like that. It’s just the sort of terrific, creative thing we’ve come to expect from him. (Hell. Where’s the drama in that?)

Bryan serves his roasted hen with Brussels sprouts and grapes. Of course, the choice of non-local Concord grapes causes Chairello to make a face.

Lastly, Jennifer serves her sauteed chicken livers with clams and grapes. It makes Chiarello smile. Awww.

Then it’s time for the judging. Chiarello says that Kevin’s dish didn’t have enough “grape love,” Michael’s was “very nice,” Bryan’s is doomed for not using local grapes, and he says that he’ll be stealing Jennifer’s recipe for his own restaurant.

But the winner who most celebrated the local grape culture is, of course … Michael. Woo hoo.

 The husband notices something here. It appears that Michael is actually capable of smiling. And has buck teeth. (Which may explain the poutyface in more ways than one.)

The next morning at the Best Western Motor Inn the chefs squeeze in time for a quick infomercial for Utz chips and Jitterbug mobile phones before heading off to …

Elimination Challenge

… the Hanging Gardens of Franzia. There, they are met by Padma and Chairello.

Padma tells the chefs that tonight the locals will be hosting their season-end “Crush Party.” This timeless tradition honors the end of the grape harvest by gathering all the winery workers for a celebration of food, wine and videotapes of sexy ladies in high heels crushing cockroaches.

The chefs will have to cater this bug-stomping jamboree and will be preparing dishes for 150 guests using only local ingredients. One dish will have to be “vegetarian,” (NOTE: “vegetarian” not “vegan”) and one will have to feature a local protein.

Since vegetarian dishes never have protein?

(I know, I know. I don’t know shit about the nuances of the culinary language here. But don’t eggs and beans and some tofu have protein? Why not say “meat or fish” instead of “protein?” I wonder about these things.)

The chefs head to the local, non-corporate sponsor market (at last!) and start picking their ingredients. There, while most of them quickly make their selections, Jennifer agonizes over what to choose for her protein. It seems she’s having a tough time picking just one thing. In the end, she picks duck.

Meanwhile, Michael has decided to pick out a few dozen eggs for his vegetarian (not vegan) dish. More on this later.

The chefs take their ingredients to the kitchen at the Night Train Express Winery and begin cooking. There, Bryan says he is stoked by the fact that the kitchen even has a wood-burning oven, something he feels is “awesome.”

As the cooking proceeds, Michael lists all the things he has to get done. He has to buy it, use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it. Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it, snap it, work it, quick - erase it.

Daft Punk - Technologic

Basically, it’s a lot of work.

Cooking continues and both Bryan and Kevin tell us that they’re big on cooking with local ingredients like this and think they’ll have an edge over Michael, who is more into that whole molecular thing.

Michael, again, tells us about some “sibling rivalry” we’re supposed to know about.

And Tom arrives for his walk-around. He learns that Kevin will be facing a time constraint with his proposed brisket. And for her protein dish, Jennifer will be serving “duck all over the plate.”

Tom finds this “awesome.”

Bryan will be making two dishes, each which seems to have 36 ingredients. And Michael’s going to work his complicated magic with eggs.

A bit later, Jennifer makes the unfortunate discovery that the wood-burning oven isn’t as warm as it should be and she’s going to have to ditch the idea of grilling the duck and will instead confit the bird.

Kevin’s brisket is still kind of tough. Michael’s worried about his eggs. And I sit and stare at the set wondering how the fuck I can make this shit funny.

Finally it’s time to get a-crushin’.

The chefs set up their tables and we see Michael stressing over his eggs. Will they work out? What ever will he do if they don’t? We wait with bated breath as he cracks the first one and … and … it’s OK.

Wow. I really don’t know how my heart survived that.

The guests begin to arrive. The chefs start to serve and the judges arrive. We have Tom, Gail, Michael Chairello, Padma and her kicky boots.

First up, Bryan and his two dishes, one a ravioli and the other fig-glazed short ribs offering.

Everyone seems to like them both, but they also agree that they are both a tad under-seasoned.

Next is Michael. He serves up his vegetarian dish, a vegetable pistou with a 63 degree egg, and his protein dish, a turnip soup with foie gras that looks like pear and a pear that looks like a turnip. As expected, it’s very conceptual.

The judges like both dishes, but think the vegetables are cut too small and the egg is a tad overpowering to its dish. Chiarello starts talking about the “finish in my mouth” and my mind wanders someplace else.

Serving third is Kevin, who tells us how he’s as focused on serving the guests as he is the judges. I don’t see what the hell this means in contrast to everyone else, but there it is. He presents his dishes to the judges. First is his vegetarian dish, a simple serving of beets and notorious prop comic Carrot Top. His protein dish is a grass-fed beef brisket atop a pumpkin polenta.

Gail adores the colors of the vegetarian dish. But, while they love the polenta, the judges feel the beef is a tad “rope-y.”

Lastly, it’s time for Jennifer’s offerings. She has as her vegetarian dish, a serving of chevre mousse with honey, mushrooms and braised radishes. And for her protein, she has a “whole duck,” some braised duck legs with a confit of duck breast and a squash purée.

She says that her dish is “nice and unctuous,” which she says is good for a woman in Padma’s condition. I take that to mean it will help those gawdawful bangs to grow out quickly.

The judges react quickly and strongly to the vegetarian dish, saying that it is very salty for some reason. And everyone loves the duck, noting that it is “very ducky.”

Ducky.

We hear the guests all raving over each of the chef’s dishes. We hear Michael do his usual cocky “I’m thinking I’ve got this in the bag” routine. And before you know it, it’s time for …

Fakeout scene!

The four chefs arrive in the bowels of the Franzia winery for a quick infomercial. Jennifer, who you may recall weeks ago was having a touch of morning sickness, says she shouldn’t be drinking. This, I think, isn’t helping dissuade us from the usual conclusion.

She drinks anyway.

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

Padma and The Peekaboo Cutouts (a great band name if I ever heard one) call up all four chefs before the judges.

They’re each praised for their incredible work both throughout the season and in this week’s challenge.

Kevin is lauded for daring to make a simple, yet elegant dish. (Quick shot of Michael. Make a face Michael! What? No poutyface? Hmph. Moving on.) And then the judges ask about the meat’s texture.

Kevin beats them to the punch, saying he knew his meat has a “toothsome” quality. We hear later that he said that preemptively.

toothsome |ˈtoōθsəm|
adjective
(of food) temptingly tasty : a toothsome morsel.
informal (of a person) good-looking; attractive.

 The beardy one has wiles we had not yet seen! Kudos on the strategy.

When they question Bryan, it’s more of the same critique. They’re not overly enthusiastic in their praise of the two dishes and do say they could have stood more seasoning. But, overall, they liked it.

When Michael is questioned, he remarks how he was challenged by not having his many molecular “tricks” at his disposal. Padma complains again about the egg in the vegetarian dish. And, for the most part, the pear/fois gras dish was a hit.

They question Jennifer last. The judges universally love both dishes, but, again, remark that the vegetarian dish was too salty. Chairello asks if she used the flake salt. When she says she did, he says how he’s had problems with that too, since it would sometimes take a while to dissolve and, when it does, it makes a dish too salty.

She winces.

They say that they loved the duck dish, but Tom then asks about why something she said she was going to do when he did his walk-around (the grilled breasts) didn’t make it to the table. She explains the problem with the oven not being hot enough, which led her to do the confit instead.

Tom asks that which way would she have preferred  to serve it. She says she would have preferred to serve the duck breast grilled, as she has originally intended.

Later, we see the (I think) unprecedented discussion where it seems Jennifer’s being penalized for not something that was on the plate, but rather for something Tom witnessed before service.

He says that in the kitchen Jennifer seemed unfocused.

I wince.

After the chefs are sent back to the anteroom, the judges do their usual discussion. And while the discussion ensues, the chefs comment on how the judges had good and bad things to say about each of them.

Finally, the four finalists are called back in.

A quick recap later, Chairello names the winner of the challenge … Bryan.

A stunner.

He smiles and emits an uncomfortable Kendra-From-The-Girls-Next-Door laugh.

Who knew he had it in him?

 Also now we know why he never laughs.

Then it’s time for the bad news. No matter which way it goes, an exceptionally talented chef is leaving. The three remaining chefs’ dishes’ flaws are called out (and Jennifer is criticized for having let the fire die down in the oven, which resulted in the duck-switcheroo). Finally, it’s doom time.

Pads, do the honors.

“Jennifer … please pack your knives and go.”


Ugh. Well, I can’t say I didn’t see it coming weeks ago. Still, it sucks duck eggs.

Poor Jennifer. Done in by her breasts.

Next time on Top Chef: The winner is named. A guy wins it.