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Top Chef: New York
Episode: Restaurant Wars (Or, About Last Night ...)
January 21, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs visited a farm and picked out the cheery farm critters which would get to become lunch. Jamie thought Stefan called her a "douchebag," but, in the end, the two of them, along with Carla, won the prize-less challenge. Stuck on a team with the joined-at-the-tonsils team of Saboteurs Hosea and Leah, Ariane got set up for the fall. And when she failed to prepare a lamb properly, her heartwarming journey from "worst-to-first" went back to "worst" and she was sent back to Jersey.
The morning after Ariane's de-knifification, the remaining cheftestants reflect on the fact that they're halfway done with the competition. Some clean. Some read. Chef Carla gets us all drinking early.
"Ariane was totally beat up over the lamb," says the googly-eyed one. "Hosea and Leah threw her under the bus."
Glug.
Chef Radhika becomes the next chef who must contractually hold up the crappy cell phone so we can all see the sponsor's logo while Chef Hosea sits outside with Chef Stefan (and his filthy, disgusting habit which you'd think would adversely effect his sense of taste). And just as Hosea tells Stefan that he's eager to get to see his girlfriend when he gets home, Chef Leah appears. Awk-ward!
Leah keeps us taking vodka shots when she pipes up that "this is a competition."
Glug.
And with that, we're off for the ...
Quickfire Challenge
The eight remaining chefs arrive in the Kitchen O' Logos to find Padma there with this week's guest judge, restaurateur Stephen Starr. Padma calls him a "restauranteur." Hosea calls him a ""restauranteur." And I wonder why there isn't an "n" in that word.
But that's not the news. The news is that the eight have made it to the much-anticipated ... Restaurant Wars challenge!
I believe the kids would say "w00t" at this point.
Padma explains that this Quickfire will be to create a tasting for a "prospective investor" for their (make-believe) restaurant. And the two chefs with the best concepts and tastings will get to lead the competing restaurant teams for the elimination challenge. Oh, and the two winners will not get immunity in the elimination challenge.
Yea! None of the rewards and all of the risk! Who wouldn't wanna win this one?
Chef Jamie, proving that she indeed has more sense than a wheel of cheese, tells us that she's not going to be trying too hard to win this one, since the leader of the losing team in Restaurant Wars is always the one sent packing.
Chef Fabio predicts this will be a bloody challenge, since "in love and in war you are allowed to do everything." Fabio, it would seem, is now looking for work, having just been sent off to Crawford with the rest of the departing Bush team.
In fact, he could actually be Bush in disguise, seeing as he has the same problem with the freezer door as Former Fearless Leader did with that one in China.
As they zip about, Leah picks up some snapper for her dish, but then regrets it because it smells "skanky." (Insert your own way-too-easy Leah joke here. ... Or did I just do that?)
Time runs out and the judges get to tasting.
- Carla's opened her crown chakra and heard that Twin Flame and Spirit Eagle were both telling her to create a concept that is "new American" with "rustic" ingredients. This translates to "serve under-seasoned cod."
- Hosea made seafood which leaves no impression.
- Leah seems to have abandoned the "skanky" fish and has prepared a Japanese soup with chicken which has some fancy name I had to look up. The judge says it's "tasty." Seeking attention, Leah leans over to Hosea and says she's sure the judge hated it. Which causes Hosea to console her and gives her a good excuse to hump his leg.
- Stefan steals Chef Jeff's gimmick and makes a trio of something-er-other. It's called "very good."
- Jeff, thus robbed of his three-plate shtick, resorts to making a "mushy" salmon.
- Radhika repeats her "I'm Indian, but I do all sorts of stuff" saw and presents her Indian/Latin/Mediterranean/Middle Eastern/Serbo-Croatian cod dish. It scores.
- Jamie reveals her please-don't-let-me-win-this sea bass plate and her concept of an All Scallops, All The Time Café. The judge says it's "refreshing" to taste something "so simple." You can almost see Jamie thinking that perhaps she should have salvaged Leah's "skanky" fish to be sure she wouldn't win.
- Fabio shows off his "launch" restaurant concept and his sandwich/soup/salad dish. The sandwich is Fillet Mignon, but the judge calls it "cheesesteak." This inflames the saucy Italian and he announces plans to deploy the 101st Airborne Division to take out Stephen Starr's bistro.
Once that's over, the judge makes his ruling. The "losers" were Jeff for his salmon and Fabio for his non-conceptual "launch" concept.
As for the winners, Starr says they offered the dishes which were the "most unique," which totally drives me to distraction. (I mean, were they more one-of-a-kind than the others? Could they have been less one-of-a-kind?)
And the "winners" of the challenge and a 50/50 shot at going home this week are ... Leah and Radhika.
W00t?
Elimination Challenge
The ladies then have to pick their teams for the upcoming challenge.
- Leah, who has a boyfriend at home, picks her "chemistry" partner, Hosea. He reminds us again that he has a girlfriend waiting for him at home.
- Radhika picks Carla for her all-girl team.
- As her last choice, Radhika picks Jeff, ostensibly for the haircare tips.
- Which leaves Leah to get saddled with the Ferocious Finn, Stefan.
So, to recap, the teams are ...
Radhika, Jamie, Carla & Jeff: Team "A Maharaja Cliff Kid, Jeer" ... and ...
Leah, Hosea, Fabio & Stefan: Team "Baa Loses! I Off A Heathen!"
The teams get thirty minutes to plan, and pick out fabrics before leaving for their shopping trips. Team Rad-Et-Al (accent on the "et al") decide to go with a "spice trade" theme. The name, Radhika's contribution, is "Sahana," which means "I abdicate all responsibility" in Hindi.
When it comes time to pick who does what, Carla says she's not comfortable doing the front of house work. Jeff says "I'm much more comfortable in the back." (Back home, Mrs. Jeff sighs, having heard that once too often.) Jamie doesn't even offer the suggestion that she perform this job, leaving Radhika to accept it by default.
Over on Team Lovebirds 2X, the team settles on an Asian food concept. Fabio freaks out a little, having no experience with that cuisine. Instantly, he's tapped to work his magic on the front of house where his accent can be put to good use.
They hang up their coats and head out to SponsorShopLandia for food and supplies. First stop, Wick-N-Sticks for some decor!
Team Rad' starts grabbing things that they deem "ethnic." And since it will be an Indian/Middle Eastern restaurant, they choose statues of giraffes to liven up the place. This is done in tribute to the wild Indian giraffes of the Himalayas.
Speaking of Himalaya, Hosea acts as pack mule for the 101 candles his team will be using in their establishment.
In a call-back to the Restaurant Wars of a few seasons back, we see that Stefan is making sure that these candles are unscented. This, however, is no guarantee that Madonna's brother won't be there to be bitchy again this time.
Once back at Casa Cuisine, the teams gather to plan their menu. At a meeting of Team Holeah Avec Eurotrash, Stefan gestures with his hands and says something about something being small, "tight and sexy." (We assume that, off-camera, Fabio then slaps Stefan for having revealed their "special secret.")
As the discussion continues, Leah, who has never worked with Stefan before, comes to realize why no one ever wants to work with him. Stefan claims the dessert portion of the meal and Leah heads off to indulge her filthy, disgusting habit (which you'd think would adversely effect her sense of taste).
Over with Women & The Wink, Jamie is taking charge, planning the menu with input from Carla and Jeff. Radhika, the "team leader" decides this would be a good time to practice her shorthand, since she's clearly planning a career in the steno pool after this.
Later, Leah and Hosea commiserate over how big a schmuck Stefan is being while he indulges his filthy, disgusting habit (which you'd think would adversely effect his sense of taste). In fact, they're so bothered about Stefan that, out of sheer frustration, they decide to "create the beast with two spatulas," as it were.
Cue the woka-chicka-woka-chika porno music.
Not realizing that they're being filmed though some kind of atrium window, the two "flirt" on the couch. Yes, they "flirt" in that special "No, honey, I was just 'flirting!' " way which gets your clothes doused with bleach, results in your couch being set on fire and earns you an appointment in front of Judge Judy.
The next morning the fornicating fry-cooks are hit with a serious case of the morning-after heebie jeebies. And not your regular morning after heebie jeebies. It's the kind you get when you really don't care that you were with someone, but you're really freaked out that you were being filmed and recorded, despite knowing there are cameras everywhere and you're wired with a live, cordless mike and wouldn't have expected the producers would be using the footage, except for the fact that they were asking you about it in your interviews and now it's starting to dawn on you that your significant other is going to see this when you get home and you'll need to take out a protection order to keep them from filleting your nether regions. That kind.
So Hosea looks into the camera and, again, says he has a girlfriend back home who he loves and wants to be back together with when this is all over.
And Taco Bell is known for its nutritious, healthy, fresh-from-the-farm flavors.
Then it's Leah's turn to explain that she has a boyfriend at home who she'd really like to be with when this is all over.
And a steady diet of Little Debbie snack cakes and Mr. Pibb will give you a body like Giselle Bundchen.
They all discuss what they're getting at the supermarket for their meals and Leah announces that she needs "a lot of lemon -- a lot of lime." (I wasn't aware that was a suitable substitute for the morning-after pill. Interesting.)
The two teams of four break into four sets of two, with one pair from each team hitting the grocery store and the other buying stuff at the restaurant supply shop. En route, Hosea and Fabio decide upon a name for their restaurant. It shall be called the Sunset Lounge, probably because "Free STD Tests Every Wednesday" won't fit on the sign.
We get about ten seconds of drama when Team Sahana is frustrated not to find lamb shanks in the store. But, seconds later, the crisis is averted when Jeff finds boxes of frozen lamb shanks in the shop's freezer.
The other not-really-a-crisis happens on the other team when they can't find any snapper and have to settle for black cod instead.
It's really a gripping drama.
The whole gang then arrives at the Fulton Fish Market, where they will have the entire top floor for their kitchen and faux restaurants.
Once in the kitchen, Leah goes over her team's menu and explains that while Fabio handles the entire front of house operation, the rest of them will be in the kitchen. And since Leah and Hosea don't want Stefan making things awkward for them (well, more awkward for them), Stefan will be segregated over in Stefan Land where he can make his desserts and leave them to their meaningful glances over the scaly cod.
Over on Team Sahana, Radhika reviews her team's menu, explaining that Jamie and Jeff will be handling the main dishes, Carla will be preparing the desserts and she'll be over in the corner working on her diary.
Cooking commences and so does the tension between Hosea and Leah and The Hose' again characterizes what happened as "flirting," as in "Wilt Chamberlain once claimed he had been 'flirting' with 20,000 women."
Later, Leah discovers that her cod is riddled with little bones. So now they'll have to get to down to some serious boning (of the fish) if they want to not end up as the losing team. Hosea is not impressed with her boning skills (which probably accounts for some of their awkwardness).
Carla, meanwhile, is hard at work on her desserts and starts to lose her mind over the kitchen's freezer. It seems it doesn't freeze things. Which doesn't make for a good frozen yogurt dish.
Stefan also seems to be having the same problem with the non-freezing freezer. (It doesn't look like the two teams are sharing a kitchen. Are they sharing a freezer?) But since he's Stefan The Mighty Finn, he has some magical Scandinavian/Californian/French/Czech/Sri Lankan/Middle Earthian trick with ice cubes and the (colder than the freezer) refrigerator which will force the desserts to freeze.
The servers arrive and Radhika has changed into her stress dress. Carla, who is starting to melt down over her dessert melt down, asks for input on the failing desserts from Radhika, but gets none.
It is at this point, we presume, Carla seeks guidance from Manipura, the Solar Plexus Chakra, since she's not getting any from Rad'.
As zero hour approaches, everyone runs around like crazy. Jeff says he feels like "a hummingbird on cocaine." (Being from Miami, he'd know, since all the hummingbirds there like that.) He chugs some wine to mellow out his buzz.
It is then that we see that Fabio has donned his best gigolo-wear and is ready to charm the pants/panties/undies/whateveryougot off the clientele.
"We can serve monkey ass an' empty clam shell, we gonna win this one!"
Speaking for, well, everyone, "Yes, Fabio. I believe there isn't a person of whatever orientation who wouldn't succumb to you at this stage." ... Moving on ...
It's time for the guests to arrive. In the initial "compare and contrast" shots, Poor Radhika is professional, but clearly tense, while Rico Suave is the portrait of charm and elegance.
In fact, it seems that Jamie is spending more time correcting the servers while Radhika is busy being curled up in the fetal position.
Then, the judges arrive at Sahana. And, damn it all, Judge Baldy McQuipperton is still with us. Grumble, grumble.
The judges get a curious flat bread. They seem to enjoy it.
Next is a curry soup and a chickpea cake with seared scallop. Both are greatly praised.
For the entree, they next get a seared snapper and also a braised lamb shank. Both dishes score, though the "tomato water" with the snapper is judged as a bad idea. Snippy McGee gets off his first forced dig of the evening comparing the liquid to "dish water."
Then it's time for Carla's desserts. She says she's not happy with them, but figures that if she does a ceremonial fire dance in the kitchen, Vishuddha, the Throat Chakra, will make it taste good to the diners anyway.
Finally, the judges get the desserts, a spicy chocolate cake and a non-frozen frozen yogurt dish. Here the train goes completely off the rails. The judges don't have the right cutlery and can't eat the runny mess. And what they do get to eat, they really do not enjoy. Snipey The Skinhead lobs his second "makes you wanna bite through the TV cable" wisecrack, comparing the dessert to the career of Elvis Presley, starting out well but ending on the crapper. (Seriously.)
Curiously, at precisely the same time the fro-gurt goes down on Top Chef, Neil "Fro-gurt" meets a similarly tragic end over on Lost. Who knew there would be a "cross" between those two?
But all of this seems to be lost (no pun intended) on Rad', who is getting wound tighter than Kenny Rogers' new face. Everyone is totally put off by it, actually, from the diners and the judges to the chefs and the crew of the international space station. And while the judges discuss her absence from the floor, Tom speculates that if they were to just get up and leave, they wouldn't even be acknowledged.
They do. And they're not.
I believe the kids here would say, "Epic FAIL."
Next, the judges head to Sunset Lounge. In the kitchen, Leah Of The Flat Affect is unhappy with her dishes and doesn't seem to care while Fabio busies himself providing excellent service and personalized Italian lap dances for each of his customers.
He greets the judges and seats them with his usual charm causing much tingling in the nether-regions for each of them.
Then comes the food. First up, an amuse bouche. It does not amuse.
Next is an appetizer of sashimi and radish salad. It does not appetize.
This is followed by the entrees of a braised short rib and Leah's nasty cod. And while Hosea's ribs are OK, Leah's cod is a huge disaster. The judges' fish is undercooked and they simply don't care to even get a replacement dish considering how bad it was aside from that.
And when Fabio informs the kitchen of this, Leah throws herself in to the deep fryer. (Or am I just wishing she would have?) She predicts that she will doubtlessly be going home.
Finally, it's time for Stefan's desserts, a chocolate rice parfait, a lemongrass and ginger panna cotta and, to finish off everything, some frozen mango, chocolate and mint "lollipops." These offerings make everyone wet themselves with delight, so much so that the judges wonder if Stefan's dishes will singlehandedly save his team from the chopping block.
As the evening ends, Radhika, who at this point must have noticed that the judges left without getting a "goodbye," is bereft. Carla feels she let her team down with her desserts. And after Fabio runs down the list of complaints about the food to Leah, she (presumedly) asks for a pity lay from Hosea in the walk-in.
In the dining room, the diners fill out their comment cards while the judges start deliberating on which team did better or worse, because where one team shone (main courses, service or desserts) the other failed miserably.
And before we get to Judges' Table, we get a 30-second fake-out, make-you-stop-your-DVR-and-watch-a-commercial scene. This one is set in the Stewed Room where we learn that, in addition to his magical powers of coiffure, Chef Jeff (aka: James At 15) is also a wizard with the power to divine which can of Aspartame Soda you have chosen. "He's a crazy-pants," says Stefan. "He's gooood," adds Fabio. It's about the cutest thing we've seen all season. ... Which says a lot about this season.
Judges' Table
Padma pops into the Stewed Room and calls up the winning team ... Team Sunset Lounge. Crap.
Once we're at Judges' Table, Tom reveals that the judges were pretty split as to which team was the winner, but in the end, it was decided by the diners' comment cards, which gave the edge to Sunset Lounge, based almost entirely on Fabio's service and Stefan's desserts. Gooooooo, Eurotrash™!
Still, everyone did agree that Leah's stanky cod was the worst thing they tasted all night. So, take that!
Reaction?... Nope. Still Flat Affect Sally.
And the winner of the challenge is ... Stefan. ... He'll be receiving a room of cooking appliances from the fine folks at Magic Chef™!
And now for ... Gong! ... the losers.
Radhika says she's "not sure" what went wrong. She reveals that while everyone else did their own thing, she "helped with the prep," mastered the lotus position and played a mean game of Sudoku.
Jeff and Jamie defend their dishes, which really needed no defending, since they were hits with everyone.
But then there were Carla's desserts. She admits that, while the dishes sucked, she was really proud of the fact that she "had a good time." (You have to cut the girl some slack there; that's probably the patchouli talking.)
Called on that cockamamie bullshit (which I know is redundant), she keeps going, saying that she was "sending out some love" alongside the crappy food, hoping that would mitigate the crappy food. For some reason, this argument doesn't seem to impress.
Asked how her enjoyment in the kitchen could work its way into the mouths of the diners, Carla snaps, "That is my belief, Tom!"
Here, I ask everyone to join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and respect my belief in his wondrous and magical powers as he looks down on us from his pasta throne on high.
Queried on why then she didn't just, on seeing that the yogurt wasn't freezing, ask Rad' to rename the dish "yogurt soup," she finally shuts her pie hole.
The judges then turn their fire on Radhika who didn't fix the dessert, didn't train the servers and, overall, didn't think to actually lead her team.
They're sent away for the judges to decide which of the two, Radhika or Carla, should be sent home.
And after the deliberation, they have their answer.
"Radhika, please pack your knives and go."
In her exit interview, she expresses disappointment for being sent home for non-cooking-related reasons. She second-guesses her decision to allow herself to passively be placed in the front of house. And then runs off to make some more non-Indian curry dishes.
Next time on Top Chef: It's time for some more corporate synergy. And what better pairing of concepts could there be than a Bravo reality show watched by foodies, fashionistas and style mavens and ... The Superbowl! ... But wait! What's this? Why, it's chefs from seasons gone by! And .. Yes! My Andrew! My sweet, sweet crazysexycool Andrew! (I promise no "culinary boner" references.)
Top Chef: New York
Episode: Down On The Farm (Or, Chicks And Ducks And Geese Better Scurry)
January 14, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: We were introduced to our new permanent judge, Baldy McQuipperton. Somehow, we managed to all keep our food down through his remarks. Jamie made scallops again and, having finally won a challenge with them, will hopefully retire them for a while. After we had to endure their presence for entirely too long, Melissa and Eugene were sent off to get a more acceptable hairdo and find space for a new tattoo, respectively.
It's the morning after the last elimination and no one can really recall who got de-knifed last time, it seems. Well, Chef Leah, perhaps. But she doesn't wanna see anyone go so she and showmance buddy, Chef Hosea, can live eternally in the Eden that is a Brooklyn condo.
Over at the breakfast bar, it seems that Hosea has been chosen to sport this week's cross-promotional garment: An "I ♥ Gail Simmons And Wish She'd Come Back Now" t-shirt. (Order yours today!) And Chef Stefan gets to be douche-y to Hosea in what I suppose is Mandalorian. (It's hard to tell, what with the accent and all.)
Quickfire Challenge
The chefs arrive downstairs at the Corporate Kitchen to find Padma standing next to America's favorite bisexual, Vietnamese, monkey-owning sushi chef, Season Three winner, Hung Huynh. And, since the chefs are all aware of The Hung Chef's predeliction for seafood, they naturally assume that the large, cloth-shrouded structure behind the pair is an aquarium.
Which, of course, is just what the producers wanted them to think because, this challenge will be all about not using the freshest ingredients.
Ta da! (Padma does the Carol Merrill move and snaps away the cloth.) They'll have to make a delicious dish using canned, boxed and otherwise un-fresh items.
(Please note that since these items have not paid for the privilege of being dissed on national TV, we have spent the last 16 hours covering over all of the product names.)
Not enthused, Jamie flatly declares this challenge "awesome."
Aaaaand, since Hung is known for being very fast (much to his various partners' distress), the chefs will have only 15 minutes to complete this challenge.
Go!
Instantly, the chefs make a mad dash for the packaged goods and throw elbows and haymakers just for the right to claim a jar of artichokes.
Blocked by Chef Fabio from claiming the prize artichokes, Hosea decides instead to go for the Spam™. Chef Jamie and Chef Radhika declare themselves above ever using such crap. And Chef Jeff again decides to make a trio of something-er-other.
The key moment, however, comes when Stefan runs out of Spam™ and Hosea, his bitter rival, decides to be generous and let him have his remaining canned meat with nitrates.
Before you can say "Hormel Spiced Ham," Padma and the prick arrive and call time.
Judging
- Leah's made fried, crunchy waffles; Hung is not impressed.
- Stefan's baked bean Spam™ soup with a grilled cheese sandwich with Spam™ is a hit.
- Chef Fabio's made some roasted artichoke mac and cheese. Hung enjoys it.
- Radhika's made a dip of some sort with Tahini (which, for the record, is not Indian). And we have some yummy toast! Mm-mm!
- Hosea has a sweet pea soup with Spam™ and crispy onion rings; It is also a hit.
- Jeff with his usual tapas trio, shows us how he likes piña coladas (and getting caught in the rain).
- Jamie's made a "leave me alone, I don't give a shit" Bruschetta. No one cares, least of all its creator.
- Chef Ariane sliced some turkey Spam™ (then how is it still Spam™?), thrown it on some toast and called it lunch. (Hung's monkey is clearly disgusted with this.)
- Chef Carla made her "take" on an Asian salmon cake. It elicits no reaction.
After the tasting, Hung rules that Jamie's "I give up" Can O' Stuff On Toast, Leah's Leggo-My-(Fried)-Eggo and Radhika's "But It Wasn't Indian!" dip with toast were the least inspired. As for the favorites, those are Hosea's Spammy soup, Stefan's Spammy Spam and Jeff's UnSpam x3 are declared tops.
And the winner of immunity who will get the right to coast through the next challenge though making cigarette butts a L'orange is ... Stefan.
Hosea fumes (smokes?) that he shouldn't have given the evil Stefan the processed meat he needed to win.
Elimination Challenge
Out comes the knife block again. Padma says the chefs will be going "back to basics," and the drawing of the knives begins. The knives this time are each labeled "Pig," "Chicken" or "Lamb."
The teams will consist of ...
- Team Pig: Jeff, Fabio and Radhika.
- Team Chicken: Stefan, Jamie and Carla.
- Team Lamb: Ariane, Hosea and Leah.
Each team will have to create a "seasonal" meal, served family-style around their designated protein. Conflict arises immediately when Ariane realizes she will be the third wheel between lovebirds Hosea and Leah and when Jamie learns that she'll be forced to work with the immunity-bearing Stefan The Lesbian-Loving Finn/Californian/Frenchman/Czech.
Later, up at Casa Cuisine, the teams gather to decide upon their menus.
Team Jersey Baa's starts the proceedings by choosing to make a lamb roast. Hosea and Leah figure that since Ariane won a challenge by cooking lamb, she should be in charge of doing that this time.
Over in the den, Team Cluck You is having issues right away when Stefan babbles something in Globish about serving a whole roast chicken. This gets Jamie in a lather, which (as you'd expect from a prize-winning douchebag) only serves to turn Stefan on. Meanwhile, Carla is concerned that this "bad mojo" is disturbing her aura and she wonders how she'll be able to create good food with her Ch'i un-centered.
And on Team Oink-N-Wink, Fabio informs us that they have decided to forgo all Indian (Radhika), Italian (Fabio) and Alberto VO5 (Jeff) flavors in creating their pork "launch" offering.
At 11 that evening, Jamie has second thoughts about the menu and how Stefan's commandeering of it could sink her. So, she heads out to the balcony where The Mighty Finn (wearing a Soviet-logo'ed t-shirt which is actually getting right-wingers in a tizzy) is indulging his disgusting, filthy habit which you'd think would adversely effect his sense of taste. The two butt heads and, in that moment we saw in the coming attractions weeks ago, Jamie interprets some remark as Stefan calling her a "douchebag."
She storms off without resolving the issue. Stefan stays outside and contemplates his erection.
Before you know it, it's five in the morning and the chefs get ready to face the day. Overnight, though, Hosea had had some second thoughts about his team's menu thinking it lacks enough "seasonal" and "air quote" items. He and Leah team up and Ariane, odd Ma out, goes along with their new plan for roasting the lamb. With that, Ariane returns to the "what-ever" stance we saw in the first few episodes.
The SponsorMobiles speed off into the early morning darkness. And, since they've been told to appear surprised when they realize that the grocery store is open before dawn, the chefs tell us they were surpised to find themselves zooming towards the upstate New York town of Ossining (Motto: We're A Gerund!).
Hours later, the chefs arrive at the bucolic setting of Blue Hill at Stone Barns, the farm/restaurant of noted chef and Rogaine spokesmodel Dan Barber.
Barber greets the contestants and introduces them to the team of farmers which provides his restaurant with the freshest ingredients possible. The challenge, he explains, will be to create their dishes using only items from his farm. They'll be serving the farmers, the chefs and the families of the farm-staurant workers.
The teams each head off to see the pretty little farm animals which someone else will (off-camera) kill and pluck/skin for them. It falls to Fabio to explain that though he's not a vegetarian, he still cares about the quality of life of the animals which will be his food.
Somewhere, PETA members throw vegan shoes at the screen and go off to tend to the "sea kittens" they have rescued from the local seafood restaurant.
Wandering the vegetable fields, Jeff spies some green tomatoes on the ground. He quickly picks them up, now inspired to prepare the fried green tomatoes of his Southern roots.
From there, we see the Team Baa frolic with their woolly beasts before (presumably) picking out a spunky one to have gutted and dressed. Team Oink also gets to hang out with their porkers before sending one to its death. And the members of Team Cluck, too, get to mingle with the chipper birds before selecting the ones who will get to be eaten.
(During our 30-second fake-out scene, we see that Stefan likes cock. ... Or saying "cock." ... Stefan is, we suppose, twelve.)
Once they arrive back in the kitchen, the animals have been slaughtered and are now lying, in pieces, on trays. (Did we mention this is the "Have you considered the vegan lifestyle?" episode?)
They get work.
On Team Oink, Fabio opts to make a pesto for his pork ravioli. Radhika is mad that there are no figs for her bread pudding and decides to spend two hours shucking corn. And Jeff is a opts to work with butt.
On Team Cluck, the trio has ironed out its differences and have come up with a compromise for their chicken dishes. And on Team Baa, Leah and Hosea hand over virtually all the work to Ariane so she'll be left to twist in the wind when the time comes.
After visiting with the chefs, Tom reports that he's a bit surprised that the pork and lamb teams aren't "honoring the protein" by leaving it on the bone, rather stripping it down into smaller parts. As for Team Chicken, he's concerned that they're making soup, considering it is a hot day, which is really odd since it's two weeks after Christmas, after all. (Upstate New York must have some really strange weather patterns.)
Back in the kitchen, Hosea and Leah are doing a lousy job of hiding their glee over Ariane's inability to tie the lamb roast. It looks like a complete mess and Leah jumps in to make sure it looks as bad as possible for the judges.
The clock runs out and it's time for service.
The teams present their food and the eating commences. The early impressions are that it's too hot for soup (on this 85-degree January afternoon). One of the diners must be feeling poorly because she identifies the season as "summertime," which we know is impossible if we had Christmas two weeks ago.
Wait. Is there a New York in Australia I don't know about?
Moving on ...
Still, the chicken dishes seem to score, particularly with one of the farmers who I'm convinced is Ellen Green (Little Shop Of Horrors, Pushing Daisies). The lamb, though, is judged to be "a mess." And Judge Sassypants make his obligatory smart-aleck-y remark about "mutton dressed as lamb."
They did not suffienctly "honor the protein," rules Chef Tom.
But back in the kitchen, Hosea blows smoke (he would be good at that) up Ariane's ass saying that their offerings were great and that their salad was "awesome."
Addressing the pork dishes, Judge Sassypants makes another forced analogy saying that the overpowering pesto atop Fabio's ravioli is "like the big bad wolf that ..." Ya know, it's not even worth completing his awful nonsense.
Tom again complains about the chefs having taken the meat off the bone and are even more upset at their having removed the fat. They all do agree, however, that Jeff's fried green tomatoes are grand, adding, "Towanda!"
Then, it's dessert time. The three teams bring out their non-pig/non-chicken/non-lamb/non-relevant desserts. Carla presents a fruit tart which everyone adores. The pork team made a creme bruleé, which isn't particularly good and prompts another stupid quip from the bald Brit. And the lamb team has prepared a trifle which the judges compare to prison/cafeteria/cruise-ship-buffet fare.
Judges' Table
Back in The 718, Padma pops into the Stewed Room and calls up Team Motherclucker. Jamie, having been threatening a Team Rainbow beatdown if she was eliminated this week, is all smiles.
The judges question the three for some reason about who did what for some reason that escapes me, because ... all three are declared the winners of this challenge. Now go enjoy your no-prize and send back everyone else for their tongue-lashing!
Jamie gives the the others the bad news "reluctantly," by which we mean "con brio."
The six remaining chefs stand before the judges and cover their privates for the verbal dodgeball which is to follow.
Jeff get slammed for removing the pig fat. Fabio gets burned for his overpowering pesto. Radhika gets reamed for not doing enough with her time in the kitchen.
On Team Siss Boom Baa, the issue is the removing of the meat from the bone, and who was responsible for the entire mess. Ariane gets the blame for the cooking, but Hosea and Leah each get blamed for being too passive and letting Ariane make a mess of the roast (not to mention helping make said mess messier).
Is it me, or is Leah working hard on her Big Brother/Survivor sabotage/villain skills?
The chefs head back to the Stewed Room to sit in front of strategically placed Sponsorboxes while the judges deliberate.
Back at the table, the four judges discuss who did what the worst and who should pay for it. Each one is eviscerated, though Jeff's tomatoes do seem to ensure his safety.
Still, Judge Smarmyface feels the need to, in discussing his feelings on the pork dish, instill in us the wonderful and beautiful vision of him having lusty, unprotected sex with bacon. Therapy bills may be forwarded to: Andy Cohen, c/o Bravo TV, 30 Rockefeller Center, New York, NY 10020.
When they get to Ariane's responsibility, Judge Quippy McGee snorts that she clearly can't cook, but is shot down by Padma who informs him that Ariane's made some really remarkable dishes in this competition.
And this is when Sassypants remarks that all history with a chef should go out the window and they should be judged solely on the one dish from the challenge in question.
And there he had them.
When the chefs return, the pork team is saved and of the lamb team, it is not Sabotage Susie who goes home, but rather Ariane of the Bridge & Tunnel.
Hosea and Leah immediatly drop to the floor and begin to fornicate wildly while Ariane packs her knives and imagines using them to make some delicious lovebird rémoulade.
Next time on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars! HoLeah's showmance heats up. And, if we're lucky, the medication will finally kick in so I can stop having this recurring vision of a certain quippy Brit porking Porky.
Top Chef: New YorkEpisode: Focus Group (Or, Two For The Road)January 7, 2009Previously on Top Chef: Everyone made believe it was Christmas. Everyone had to make something inspired by the Eleven Days Of Christmas. Everyone made believe that food could magically appear in a kitchen after all seemed lost. Hosea won the challenge for his let's-see-if-we-can-kill-off-the-competition-with-smoke-inhalation pork. And, after everyone made believe someone would be sent home, Chef Tom smacked the cheftestants around and told them they were all safe for a week. In the spirit of make-believe Christmas.
It's the morning after the non-elimination and the chefs are eager to share their feelings on their reprieve. Chef Eugene (Next Stop: Top Sushi), one of the bottom two last time, is pissed that anyone would question his mad skills. Perpetual bottom-dweller Chef Melissa (Next Stop: Top Cheez Whiz) is too busy perfecting her drowned rat look to be pissed.
Chef Hosea (Next Stop: Top Smoke Bomb) just thinks his win was "awesome." And totally-not-jealous Chef Stefan (Next Stop: Top Ego) responds by muttering something in (what I can only assume is) Klingon.
Quickfire Challenge
Padma greets the too-many cooks in the Sponsorship Kitchen and introduces them to their guest judge, some fancy French pastry chef who is here promoting his own upcoming Bravo show. Yes, folks, it's the you-should-have-seen-it-coming, "I am not a pastry chef" challenge!
The twist? Well, seeing as there's this whole movement towards food being healthier, the chefs will have to make a "guilt-free" dessert that is tasty and low in calories (which, of course, by implication must be healthier, right?).
Plus, the fact that there's a table piled high with all the sugar in the kitchen should give you an idea of what's up. Yes, to honor this week's corporate overlord, Dr Diet's Can O' Chemicals™, the chefs will have to create a dessert without using any sugar.
But fear not, kiddies, they can use all of the refreshing CARBONATED WATER, CARAMEL COLOR, ASPARTAME, PHOSPHORIC ACID, ARTIFICIAL AND NATURAL FLAVORS, SODIUM BENZOATE (PRESERVATIVE), CAFFEINE. PHENYLKETONURICS AND PHENYLALANINE they like! Why, it's practically an organic cooking challenge!
The chefs get to jogging and Chef Ariane (Next Stop: Top Shill) starts off the plug-fest by mentioning she's going to use some yummy Dr Diet's Carbonated Toxic Waste™ in her dish.
Chef Jeff (Next Stop: Top Dildo Dilido Coif) says something about having an edge because people in Miami Beach (where he works) are shallow, narcissistic and obsessed with being thin, or has he puts it "are concerned with their physique."
Chef Jamie (Next Stop: Top Edible Bivalve Mollusk) is mad she can't cop Richard Blaise's banana scallop dessert idea and decides to just get through this challenge and will wait to use scallops next time.
Chef Carla (Next Stop: Top Telepath) doesn't want to be known as a baker, a caterer or a rational human being; she's bananas. (Strike that. She's making bananas.)
While Hosea makes little fig turds, Stefan says something disparaging about them in (what I guess is) Esperanto.
Ariane makes her second reference to Dr Diet's Aluminum-Wrapped Aspartame™ and explains that she's making something with pears. The sweetness will come from the pears and the cans of Dr Diet's Recyclable Lymphoma-Bait™. (Is she getting a bonus check for every sponsor reference?)
Chef Radhika (Next Stop: Top Curry Not Curry! Curry!) tells us she, too, is not a pastry chef, but can pull together a mean bread pudding.
After Carla notices that everyone is using the freezer (and, thus, opening it a lot), she realizes her bananas aren't freezing and has to move on to Plan B. She's not happy with this.
Time runs out and it's time to judge.
Chef Fabio (Next Stop: Top Granma) has made a tart. The judge says the tart's cream wasn't cooked enough. Fabio thinks he's just saying this because of centuries of Franco-Italian conflict dating back to the Italian Wars of 1494.
The judge seems to like Jeff's do-it-yourself nuts, yogurt and baklava dish. Eugene's dessert "burger and fries" concept gets praise. Melissa's dessert "burrito" concept doesn't.
Stefan the Finn, who is also from California, jokes that he's actually from France in order to appear less of a douche. He also winks. (Nope. Still a douche.) Still, the judge seems intrigued by his dessert.
Ariane presents her "crep" (pronounced like "crap") and somehow manages to not throw in a fourth reference to Dr Diet's Six-Pack Of Food Additives™. It doesn't matter, though, in that the judge points out that she's over-whipped her cream to the point where it's now butter.
After a lot of "interesting(s)," zee judge rules. The bottoms are Carla for her bland bananas, Ariane for her crappy crepe, and Jamie for her un-scallop-y non-Napoleon.
The tops are Radhika's not-Indian bread pudding, Jeff's nuts and the something-er-other from Chef Leah (Next Stop: Episode Eight, airing on Bravo, Wed., Jan. 14 at 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST).
And the winner is ... Radhika, who will once again be able to serve spit in a bowl during the elimination challenge with impunity.
Elimination Challenge
For this challenge, the cheftestants will be judged by Padma and Tom along with Gail-Simmons-Is On-Her-Honeymoon-So-Chillax,-Folks Replacement Judge, Toby Young. Young will be providing a much needed perspective on the panel, that of a bald-headed critic ... with a British accent.
Look, if Bravo wants to play with the big boys, they need to have a snotty British judge. It's sort of a requirement for these things. Hell, if they had a snotty British judge on Project Runway, they probably wouldn't be in the mess they're in now, no?
Padma surprises the chefs by not giving them their challenge today, but rather sends them all back upstairs to their suite for some much-needed post-fake-Christmas relaxation.
Quickly, the gang kicks back and begin the necessary process of imbibing some delicious Dr Diet's Aspartic Acid & Phenylalanine™ and speculating on what kind of a Simon Cowell/Piers Morgan/Nigel Lythgoe/Len Goodman this Toby Young fella is. (Conclusion: The shaved-head kind.)
Eugene then gets the honor of getting to hold up some shitty mobile phone up to the camera for ten minutes while he learns of his daughter's bathroom habits so we all know what shitty mobile phone company is paying for this show.
The next morning Chef Tom "surprises" the chefs by popping into the suite first thing in the morning. Magically, a knife block has appeared on the coffee table and he proceed to again shame them for their dreadful performance last time.
This time, the chefs will get to cook whatever they want, so they can showcase who they really are for the panel. And speaking of the panel, they will be cooking for, not only the judges they know about, but a "focus group" of "food experts."
And, since they want Toby to meet the chefs "food first," the dishes will be judged by blind people blind, that is without knowledge of which chef cooked which dish. Oh, and since no one was eliminated last time, this time two chefs will be sent packing.
Now, seeing as the kitchen where they will be working is so small (wink, wink), the chefs will have to shop for and cook their individual dishes in two successive groups, hence the magical knife block. And, as winner of the Quickfire, Radhika will get to pick which group she'd like to join.
Knives are drawn and the groups work out like this:
Group A: Fabio, Hosea, Jamie, Melissa and Eugene
Group B: Stefan, Jeff, Leah, Ariane and Carla.
And since she can't stand Stefan, Radhika opts to join the Stefan-less Group A.
Group A heads to the Piggly Wiggly for their shopping trip while Group B gets to cool its heels in their Brooklyn digs for a spell.
At the grocery store, Melissa reveals that when called upon to make a dish that tells us who she is, she'll respond with a hearty, "I'm a fish taco!"
Eugene, meanwhile, tells everyone that he's going to prepare a red snapper, dykon style. Confused, Jamie thinks that should be her area of expertise.
They then head to the Astor Center to prepare their meals. Everyone is all smiles, seeing as nasty ole Stefan isn't around and the cooking goes along unremarkably.
Hosea's makin' bacon. Radhika thinks they'll swoon over her "nya nya nya, I have immunity" bisque. And Fabio's excited to be showing his true self by making pasta, comandeering a gondola and executing a mob hit.
Next, Group B gets to hit the Kwick Check for their supplies. There, Carla seeks inspiration by asking her spirit guides to speak to her, preferably through the bottles of extra virgin olive oil.
The bottles tell her to make a vegetarian dish and to add scallops to it, to make sure it's not vegetarian at all. (Olive oil bottles are known for being notoriously inconsistent with their advice.)
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, we see that Lil Jamie is fulfilling her legal obligation to make scallops for every challenge. She says it's to redeem herself over her scallop disaster last time, but it's pretty clear that she's gonna keep flogging that horse until she finally wins with the damn things.
Eugene updates us on his Xena, Warrior Princess-inspired fried fish and insists that no other chef would consider pairing his discordant flavors because they wouldn't "have the balls" to try such a crappy idea.
As time draws short, Fabio's "jar" drops when he extracts his lamb from its sous vide bag and discovers it is not cooked properly. His lamb may not be cooked, but he's pretty sure that his goose is.
Time expires and the chefs set about coaching the servers on how to present their dishes. The judges arrive and then (surprise!) the "focus group" pops in from the service elevator. It's Group B, slovenly and "fresh" from running around NYC in the summer post-Christmas heat.
Naturally, they freak over having to critique their competitors' food and the fact that the other team will be returning the favor.
As the servers present the dishes, the members of Group A come out to learn this joyous news. They, too, are flummoxed. Hosea, to his credit, realizes that, strategically speaking, in order to stay out of the bottom, Group B will have to be really harsh with their reviews of Group A's food.
And to add insult to injury, they learn upon re-entering the kitchen that they will be getting the "joy" of witnessing this vivisection on closed-circuit TV.
The butchery begins with Stefan zeroing in on Radhika's bisque and insisting it's the most vile thing ever. Taking this cue, Judge Toby consults his Simon Cowell manual and quips that Radhika's soup is akin to Saddam Hussein's missing anthrax.
Carla comments that the vegetables in Hosea's dish were better than the bacon-wrapped halibut he presented. Knowing it's his turn, Judge Toby turns to the Piers Morgan Appendix B of his manual and chirps some analogy about the dish being like a bad movie with great British supporting players wherein the leads were upstaged by the secondary characters. (Yeah, the Piers Morgan chapters have always been the lamest parts of that book. But what can ya do?)
Jamie's There's-No-Way-They-Could-Ever-Tell-It's-Me Scallops, however, are a pretty clear hit. She finds this "awesome."
When they get to Fabio's lamb and pasta, right away they note the rareness of the meat, though they are seriously impressed with the pasta. In the kitchen, Fabio is at least somewhat relieved.
Then they get to Eugene's crispy red snapper with tomato, basil and Melissa Etheridge fettuccine. Words can't really adequately describe how sad it looks to see the whole dead fish curled up around a bed of pasta and runny sauce. Oddly, Jeff says that the fish looks "awesome." But when the critics dig in, they report it tastes as good as (I feel) it looks.
Stefan is aghast that the radishes were served hot. And, with precision timing, Judge Toby flips to the Len Goodman entry in his judging manual and issues the there-noted simile, "It's like the bland leading the bland."
Lastly, they review Melissa's "I'm a fish taco!" offering. Everyone finds it bland. Ariane comments on the dish's fishy smell and ... Toby?
Hastily flipping pages under the table, he barely is able to read the entry under "Lythgoe, Nigel" before the camera find him. "Cat food!" he exudes, just in the nick of time.
The first group now adequately destroyed emotionally, it's now time to turn the tables with Group B getting to cook.
After stating the obvious (that they're lucky to know who the focus group members will be before cooking), they get to work. Jeff tells us he's making some collection of small plates, tapas style, and Stefan plays with some tiny breasts.
Today, Stefan The Finn From California Who Is (Wink, Wink) From France now tells us he's from the Czech Republic. And, being a true son of Prague, he's making cabbage and dumplings so that (and I hope I got this right) dead people from Germany and Austria will turn around in their graves.
Wunderbar!
Cooking finished, it's time for Group B's water boarding. And when they return from the table, they too express shock to see that they will be seeing the tasting on TV as it happens and then (eventually) realize that they were being spied on when they took apart their competition.
The first one to take a hit is Carla, whose non-vegetarian, vegetarian dish is hammered for being awash in garlic. Radhika examines the dishes, determines that the duck and cabbage is Stefan's offering and says that the accompanying dumplings were "a little dense." Fabio jumps to his Team Eurotrash partner's defense and says that, taken as a whole, the items all go together perfectly. ... And the judges seem to agree.
Jeff's collection of hors d'oeuvres gets heat from Eugene and Chef Tom, but is adored by Judge Toby. The bald Brit returns to the Piers Morgan repertoire of lame analogies and compares the dish's avocado sorbet to a wacky Scientologist's cameo in a movie everyone seemed to have loved, but which I have studiously avoided.
Ariane's skate wing with pineapple and cauliflower goes over well. And there's another split decision on Leah's fried fish, with Jamie calling it "greasy" and Judge Toby calling it a "pan-European" take on fish and chips. (Leah responds from the back with a look of, "Yeah, that's a thought.")
Once the chefs leave, the judges agree that the second group was much stronger than the first and hope that tasting each other's food this way will make the surviving chefs more aware of what it's like to judge these dishes.
After a quick check on which of Judge Toby's British Boilerplate sayings was found to be the most catty, it's time for ...
Judges' Table
Padma arrives in the Stewed Room and calls forth the chefs who made the scallops with fennel (Jamie), the duck with cabbage (Stefan) and the skate wing (Ariane).
In the judging room, Judge Toby offers a twist on the Simon Cowell, "It sounded like something you'd hear in a bad nightclub in Ibiza" by turning pompous travel references into praise for Stefan's dish. Calling it "unmistakably German," he says it tasted like something he's eaten several times stranded in a wood cabin in the Alps.
They all heap praise on Jamie's and Ariane's dishes and issue their ruling. The winner of the challenge is ... Jamie.
And, with that, we're robbed of seeing Lil Tatttooey getting passed over for Mama Ariane again. Pshaw.
Then it's time to call in the bottoms, Eugene, Carla and Melissa.
And in a development no one could have possibly seen coming weeks ago ... the judges finally kick Melissa and Eugene to the curb.
Let us all raise a glass of Dr. Diet's Fizzy C₁₈H₂₃O₉N₃S Drink™ in celebration!
Next time on Top Chef: Chef Hung arrives to give the kitchen some much needed dickishness. And the long-awaited Jamie/Stefan "douchebag" moment. Yea.
