skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Top Chef: New YorkEpisode: Finale, Pt. 2 (Or, Does It Even Matter?)February 25, 2009Previously on Top Chef: Now in New Orleans, the final four were startled to learn that one of the previous three ejected contestants would get a chance to compete for the prize. Jeff earned the spot, but would have to win the elimination challenge to make it to the finale. The gang had to cater a meal for a Mardi Gras krewe and all did well. But Carla did best (and won a car). So Jeff was out ... and Fabio followed him out the door.
Honestly. You know how this ended. I know how this ended. Mrs. O'Leary's cow knows how this ended. And while I can't speak for the cow, I know I'm bothered and chances are you're bothered too.
So, there isn't a whole lot of motivation to do this. Plus all the drama around this has taken place after the fact and most of that has to do with what wasn't seen. So here's what we've got.
New Orleans. The three finalists, Chef Stefan (schmuckface), Chef Hosea (suckface) and Chef Carla (eyeswithoutaface) board a riverboat to eat and reflect on the impending finale.
Later, they gather someplace important where Padma and Tom tell them that their final challenge will be to make the greatest three-course meal of their lives. Stefan finds this kind of freedom strangely limiting.
But for "help," the three will each get an assist from ... who exactly? It can't be previously ejected contestants, since that "surprise" was as spoiled as Carla's ... (hold up, we're getting ahead of ourselves). So who is it? Why, it's the last three second place finishers from the last three seasons, Chef Marcel O'Thefoam, Chef Casey Cursey and Chef "Richard" Crocington.
Knife block! They draw knives for sous chef-picking order.
The Hose picks first and, thinking Marcel is too much like his nemesis, Stefan, picks the un-Croc'ed Richard. Stefan picks the equally douchey Marcel. And Carla's enthused to have the assistance of fan favorite Casey.
We get a sequence where the Hosea/Stefan dick-measuring contest continues and Stefan grouses about Hosea's taking all the fois gras. It's nothing we haven't seen for 32 weeks running already.
In the midst of it all, Tom pops in with a "twist." The chefs react with their contractually obligated surprise. It seems they will also have to make an hors d'oeuvre with one of three ingredients: redfish, crab or alligator.
And to determine who gets which ingredient, the chefs have to eat their way out of a large snack cake. The first one to bite into a metal baby figurine hidden therein (and to loose a tooth in the process) will get the privilege of doling out the ingredients.
Hosea uses his magical gap-tooth skills to munch his way to golden baby victory and takes the redfish for himself. He assigns the crab to Darling Carla. And, predictably, he saddles Stefan with the alligator. (He also proves he's a really classy guy by delivering the news with a giant "fuck you" and accompanying one-finger salute, albeit for the cameras in interview footage.)
Stefan, to his credit, notes that he'd have done the same thing. (Though, I do wonder if he'd do it with the rude gesture.)
Carla freaks out over having to make another dish and decides to make a small salsa-ish concoction with the crab. Hosea breezes through making a redfish thingamajig on what looks like a tiny pancake. And Stefan, never having worked with alligator before, hacks off the tail and makes a soup with it.
As for the rest of the dinner, all that really matters is that Carla is seen taking a tip from Casey on how to "step up" her game by preparing her beef dish sous vide, or in a bag. It's not a method Carla has ever worked with before and Marcel finds it an odd choice. The other chefs, likewise, wonder why she'd be departing from her ususal style like this.
The chefs have been told that they are not being required to make a dessert, but Stefan thinks it would be wrong not to make one. (Plus, there's that whole "it's one of his strong suits -- along with that 'smelling like an ashtray' " thing.)
Hosea opts to make a venison dish for his final dish. And Carla wants to serve a cheese dish last. She had thought to make a tart, but it sure looks like Casey has suggested a soufflé would make for a more dramatic finish.
Before you know it, serving time has arrived. Tom, Padma and Gail are joined by a phalyx of noted chefs, last-ejected chef Fabio, a ballroom dancer with a cookbook deal and ... aaaaaaagh! I thought we were done with SimileMan, Cueball The BritQuip! Gack.
The hors d'oeuvres come out first. Hosea's redfish is a hit. Carla's crab scores. Stefan's alligator soup is lauded.
Dinner time.
Hosea's made a sashimi plate which looks good, but doesn't taste as good as it should. Carla made a red snapper which everyone just adores. And Stefan offers up a smoked salmon carpaccio.
We had seen earlier that in order to slice the fish very thin (ala carpaccio), the pan-global baldie has had to freeze it, a decison with which Marcel found confounding. The result of the fresh/frozen process is a melting, runny fish which most of the diners find nasty. (A certain quippy diner rather liked it, but he doesn't count.)
The next course brings Carla's "take" on meat and potatoes. And while everyone loves her sauce, it's agreed that the meat is tough. And a sous vide is the last preparation they would have expected from the "food with heart" chef.
Hosea serves up a scallop dish with that fois gras that Stefan so wanted and a foam which must have been made just to taunt Marcel. Everyone seems to love it, though the restaurant-deficient ballroom dancer feels fois gras is soooo overdone. The other diners point at him and laugh.
Stefan's dish is a pigeon with schadenfreude. Everyone raves that this is the greatest fresh-from-the-ledge fowl they have had in ages.
Then, it's time for the last course. And, for Carla, everything goes right off the rails.
America's favorite Fraggle Rock character is distraught. It seems she forgot to lower the temperature on the oven housing her soufflés. And they've curdled.
So, with two minutes before service, she decides the soufflé must be left off the now-sparse plate.
Presenting her dish to the judges, she explains what happened. What's left, an apple tartlet coin, isn't much. The judges are kind and appreciate the explanation, not that it will save her bacon.
Stefan's dessert seems to be an amalgam of seven different desserts. The judges are clearly not impressed and think it couldn't be more "1982" if it stood up on the table and warbled "Ebony And Ivory."
Hosea's last dish is the venison plate and it is considered the best of the three by a mile.
Once dinner is over, the chefs retreat to the Stewed Room Of Twain Cobalt Toile where emotions are running high.
They are called before Judges' Table for the final inquisition. And while the questioning goes pretty much as we expected, as it's nearing its conclusion, Carla makes an earnest declaration. She starts to break down and Stefan breaks character. He comforts her as a single tear runs down her face, Iron Eyes Cody-style.
The judges deliberate. And in less time than it takes to consume an amuse bouche, they agree Carla ain't winnin' this thing.
Cue the viewer poll graphic: 67% of responders think Carla deserves to win.
So, it's down to a choice between douche and douchier. And I really can't say I give a shit at this point. (Don't give me that look. If I cared about the food, I'd know how to do more than boil water and pour cereal.)
Did Stefan deserve credit for making a dessert? When a dessert wasn't required? When his dessert made everyone wanna wear Members Only jackets and dance around to "Tainted Love"?
But wasn't Stefan's urban game hen just smashing, though?
"Congratulations ... Hosea. You are Top Chef."
Wow. I haven't been this thrilled since Ilan won Season Two.
Next Time on Top Chef: Reunion! Will Fabio and Stefan finally consummate their relationship before the cameras? Will Casey come screaming from backstage and throw a spatula at Carla's noggin'? Will Padma down a whole bag of Carls, Jr. burgers to prove she actually eats that rot? Will Tom go into a siezure from all the aspartame in the Diet Coke he's been drinking? And is there a chance in the universe that we'll be spared an exhaustive blow-by-blow on HoLeah-gate? Tune in Wednesday on Bravo to find out. ... Or we'll make you watch Make Me A Supermodel.
-30-
Top Chef: New YorkEpisode: Finale, Pt. 1 (Or, Aw Shucks!)February 18, 2009Previously on Top Chef: Carla won the Quickfire with green eggs and ham (hold the ham). The gang had to create last meals for a bunch of culinary apostles before their (anticipated) executions. Fabio made the winning dish, despite busting up his hand. And Leah finally got the boot. There was rejoicing across the land for we shan't have to ever see her again. ... Right?
It's down to the final four! And we're in New Orleans for the finale!
The chefs appear at the airport one by one. Chef Hosea (The Lumbering Lothario) is mad that he's never been to New Orleans before. Chef Fabio (The Prince of Pesto) is now sproting a crazy lesbian Mohawk and a pink scarf. Chef Carla (The Teetotalling Tortoise) straightened her hair, but still carries herself like Olive Oyl.
And Chef Stefan (The No-Hair Hare) is all slobified, chewing gum and being as cocky as ever.
The four travel though the city and discuss their suitcases full of gumbo. They arrive at a luxurious plantation where they are greeted by the (surprisingly ill-thought-of) Padma, Tom and bam-meister Emeril Lagasse. Before them are three tables. Three tables.
This leads to speculation as to what that means.
Quickfire Challenge
Padma explains. The four chefs ... will not be competing in this challenge. Instead, the contestants will be ... the last three chefs eliminated! And here they come now!
Chef Jamie ("Newer! Blonder! More Rainbow-y!"), Chef Jeff ("Still Desperately Needing Xanax!"), and ... Chef Leah ("Just Back From The Clinique Counter at JC Penny!"). Ugh. I Thought I'd wouldn't have to endure that woman for another week.
So, it works like this. The three will compete for a chance to compete for the title again. Naturally, the final four are none too pleased about this. (And Hosea has that whole "Um, sorry I didn't call you after that, um, thing the other night, but, um, I've been really busy" look on his face when he spies Leah.)
The three rejects will have to create a dish for Mr. Kick-It-Up-A-Notch using cajun staple, crawfish. Leah says she's nervous since she's never worked with crawfish before. (Insert horrid joke about crabs here.)
Go!
Unpack. Cut, cut, cut. Cook, cook, cook.
Leah's making a gumbo for the first time. Jeff is making shrimp and grits (and is still resentful about how he was sent packing before). And Jamie thinks it would be "awesome" to get back in the game.
Jamie's making not-gumbo. Jeff's schizophrenia is acting and he's having trouble making the monkeys in his head shut up while he cooks. And mid-challenge, one of the crawfish decides to make a break for it. Run, little critter, run!
Time!
Emeril tastes the dishes. He tries Leah's gumbo, Jeff's grits and Jamie's corncake. Jeff and Jamie note that they've worked with crawfish before. Leah hasn't. But Emeril has a poker face and isn't letting on what he's thinking.
Lady GaGa - Poker Face 
Sorry, I can't get that out of my head now.
Emeril likes them all, but picks ... Jeff!
And now, the catch. In order to make it to the finale, Jeff will have to win the next challenge to avoid re-elimination.
Now, they all get to check into their sumptuous digs before heading to dinner at Emeril's famed "Didn't I Once Have A Sitcom?" restaurant.
Hosea thinks this is "awesome."
While they all enjoy dinner, Fabio tells us about his sick mama, Carla is restrained and Stefan acts extra-dickish towards Hosea.
At this point, Stefan declares, "This is a competition ..."
"This is a competition?" Bingo! Aaaaaah! I have Bingo! What did I win!?
GE™ appliances.
Swell. Well, there's always E-Bay.
The next morning, the five leave the hotel and arrive at a warehouse which is used for storing Mardi Gras parade floats.
Elimination Challenge
Padma reveals that the next night chefs will be catering a big party for a New Orleans Mardi Gras organization (a/k/a "krewe" in Cajun, "posse" in hip-hop, "school" in whale, or "Crüe" in hair metal). And they will each have to create two dishes and one cocktail for the cast of Eyes Wide Shut II: Electric Boogaloo. One dish will have to be in the Creole style of cooking. The other will also have to be in the Creole style of cooking, only we're not going to tell the chefs. Just for giggles.
Hosea informs us that, unlike other types of cooking, Creole cooking is about flavor. (For instance, Irish cooking is all about flatulence.)
Oh, and one more thing. The winner of the challenge wins .. a Brand. New. Car!
Yes, it's a still-in-its-original packaging 1983 Chrysler K Car! Oooooooh!
Fabio tell us that the car he drives now, a Toyota Venza, is a "piece of ... poop," so he really wants to win this.
Fakeout Scene! We fooled ya not having one last week, didn't we? Well, now you'll have to pause that DVR for a hot second. ... Today on our menu we have Stefan regaling the gang with how he went to visit Fabio over Halloween (which somehow involves Lost-like time-travel since we already had Thanksgiving, Christmas and the Superbowl). And Stefan was disgusted at seeing Fabs in drag, something the spicy Italian does for all major holidays. This leads to Hosea discussing how he finds it difficult to fit his large testicles into his man-ty hose. Fakeout Scene Over!
The chefs arrive at Emeril's world famous "Show Us Your Tits" Bar & Grille. Everyone is mightily impressed with the place, but mostly with the fact that they won't have to use those crappy GE™ Monogram appliances anymore.
Hosea reveals that he plans on making a gumbo for one dish, a pecan-crusted catfish for his second and a Hurricane cocktail for his drink.
Carla tells us that she'll be preparing an oyster stew and a shrimp and andouille beignet. Carla also reveals that she doesn't drink (one figures that she fears that booze might cause her peepers to dislodge from her eye sockets and roll clear under the stove). So, her drink will be a non-alcoholic cranberry spritzer, or as it's known in the culinary world, a "Shasta."
The next surprise is that the oysters that are in the kitchen are not of the genus pre-shucked. This could pose a problem for our Carla, seeing as she shucked her first oyster a week ago.
Meanwhile, Fabio still hasn't wrapped his head around the concept of electric appliances and is mixing items in a blender by holding the appliance aloft and shaking it violently. This being "a competition," no one has the heart to point out the power button on the thing to him.
Stefan then reveals his menu, a duck and rabbit gumbo with grits along with an apple beignet. For his cocktail ... (Get it? Cocktail? Stefan funny.) ... Mr. Clean will be serving a black cherry and rum creation.
Then, Jeff tells us what he's making: a fried oyster with homemade sausage and a crawfish pot de crème with a cucumber mojito for his cocktail.
They cook. They rib Jeff for having to win to stay in. And they make the astute observation that this would have been the first Top Chef season without a fauxhawk had Fabs not gone and fucked up everything. (Still, one doubts we'd see a douchebag-free season anytime soon, either.)
Lastly, Fabio tells us that he's going to really surprise the judges by not making two dishes and a cocktail. He's making three dishes and a cocktail. (Bread does count as a dish, right?) He's making a sausage and rabbit max shoe mack chew maque choux with grits, a crawfish and crab stew with pasta, a bread and ending it all with a bell pepper martini.
Carlal wrestles with her oysters. Stefan gets all dickish about the fact both he and Hosea are making gumbo. And while Hosea works on his roux (as in, "Roux McClanahan"), Stefan goes out into the alley to feed his filthy, disgusting habit. (And he goes out to smoke, too.)
Jeff sees this and notes that The Translucent Eyebrow Man is slacking off, using prepared sausage while Jeff is working hard to make his own. When he returns from polluting Lousiana, Stefan tries to deflect the criticism by making dick jokes using his Kielbasa as a prop.
Carrot Top's got nothin' on this one.
Tom arrives for his mid-show freakout. He makes a face when Fabs tells him how he's planning on mixing Italian and Creole flavors. Jeff tells Tom he's working hard, not hardly working. Stefan wonders why everyone is so worked up. Tom makes a panicked face at Hosea's roux (as in, "You'll roux the day you messed with the Hose', Stefan!"). And Carla's still having trouble opening up her oysters.
Scramble! Pack! And Carla's going to McGruber it!
The gang arrives at the event venue and Carla's still not done shucking her oysters. Fabio isn't trusting anyone else to mix his drink. And Stefan goes out to make himself and the world around him just that much more toxic.
The masked denizens of the dining hall arrive. We have Padma, looking a tad like Dominatrix Barbie Goes To The Ball; Tom, looking like Lex Luthor-Goes-As-Robin-For-Halloween; Emeril, dressed as Bird Man of the Marvel Universe; and ... Gail!!! Gaaaaaail!!! At last, our long quippy nightmare is over!! All hail the boobies!
In the final moments before the diners arrive, Jeff asks Carla for extra cream, Hosea asks Carla for an extra whisk, and Carla manages to keep from hurling oyster shells right at their plump noggins. Properly chagrined, Stefan take a break from his 23rd cancer break and agrees to help Carla finish shucking those damn oysters.
The masked revelers show up and start to chow down. I think I overhear one tell a joke that starts, "A snake, a cactus and a kangaroo walk into a bar ..."
The judges start out at Jeff's station. Jeff proves he doesn't know how to pronounce the word "chipotle." Emeril proves to be the sweetest guest judge ever. And everyone seems to love all of the offerings from Jeff At 15.
Stefan the Entitled is next. The judges and the diners seem to like his dishes, but are more restrained in their praise. The primary complaint is that his roux (as in, "Roux 222") is not dark enough.
Then it's time for Zee Fabio. Fabio's food is called "nice," but it's considered to be lacking in "heat."
Before the judges get to Carla's table, we see that a few episodes have already aired when this was filmed, since everyone in the hall is all about doing the "hootie hoo" call-and-response with Carla & Her Spirit Guides. When the judges get to sample her goods, they don't say much directly to her. But once they taste her dishes, the judges are unanimously wowed by her truly New Orleans-inspired offerings.
Last up, is Hosea. After he presents his dishes to the judges, he actually winks at Gail. (That must be the wicked charm that knocked the knickers of Leah earlier.) The New Orleans crowd and Emeril love his dishes, but are particularly effusive about his gumbo.
The diners gush over the chefs and grace them each with strands of tit-less bread. They clean their stations and discuss the night's events. Stefan and Hosea go back to comparing dick sizes. And Stefan has to say he tasted Hosea's and wasn't impressed. (His gumbo, that is.)
Judges' Table
All five are called before the judges. And since Toby's not there now, the chefs are all eager to hear what the panel has to say this time.
Jeff is the first to face the inquisition. The judges say that Jeff's cocktail was their favorite. Jeff slyly references the fact that (unlike Stefan) he made his own sausage.
Fabio is next. The criticism is that his smack shoo mock shoe Cajun stew lacked enough "heat." Discussing his drink, Padma fills in for Toby in the snippy put-down department saying "the taste did not deliver what the smell promised." (And I'm starting to see why darling Pads' is being so roundly slammed by the chefs in interviews this week.) Fabio tries to dig himself out of the hole by saying the drink could have been more "zweet," since he like-a da "zweet."
The judges say the drink was quite sweet enough already. (And so's the hunky chef. But we digress.)
Then it's Stefan's turn. Emeril praises him for his audacious choice of mixing grits and gumbo. Stefan turns the praise into another chance to ask them to just hurry up and crown him the winner already. This does not go over well. So, the critique gets a bit more pointed. Seemingly shaken by the less-than-glowing adoration, Mr. Finnster quickly goes from a posture of, "Just crown me, already" to one of, "Feh, who wants your lousy trophy anyway?"
That does not go over well, either.
Carla's the next to be questioned. Continuing our poker face theme, Tom flatly asks Carla what she thought of her dishes. Carla, ever the self-critical one, starts to say she thought she could have made one element better. Before she can bury herself, though, Tom stops her and says that everyone loved all her offerings. She wisely stuffs a sock in her yapper and takes the praise with poise and grace.
Lastly, they turn to Hosea. Hosea is apologetic over his drinks being watery. But, ever the sweetheart, Emeril is all forgiveness. (Honestly, I never much cared for the man, but after tonight, I could be an Emeril fan.) Emeril is the Anti-Toby.
All the judges agree that Hosea made the best of the three gumbos of the night. And Gail says it provided "that 'tang that I was really excited to get at the end of the night." (Gail! I didn't know you swing that way!)
The chefs are sent away for the judges' deliberations. Emeril discusses each chefs "idears" as they recap everything we already knew, that Carla, Hosea and Jeff had the best offerings of the night ... and that Stefan is a douche, or, as they put it, has a "laissez-faire" atttude ... and is a douche.
The chefs are called back in.
Once they're back in, Emeril announces the winner ... Carla! Hootie hoo!!! Look for Carla's K Car on the streets of D.C. soon!
Which also means ... Jeff's hitting the bricks again.
Still, despite his repeat departure, this time the shaggy chef is more comfortable with his axing this time since it wasn't as besotted with bullshit as it was last time.
Hosea, having made some great dishes is then told he'll be joining Carla in the finale and is sent off.
Which means that this is the end of Team Eurotrash. Which of the two, Stefan or Fabio, will be going home?
"Fabio, please pack your knives and go."
Noooooooooooo! Inhale. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Grumble, grumble, grumble. As the Flying Spaghetti Monster is my witness, I'll never eat herring again!
Look for Fabio's Restaurant Makeover coming on Bravo this fall.
Next time on Top Chef: The final three have to cook the best three-course meal of their lives. Hosea informs us that "this is a competition." Hosea showcases his education at Mrs. Haversham's Finishing School for Celebrity Chefs by shooting Stefan the bird on camera. We are promised three surprise "helper" guests. And one person will be crowned Top Chef!
Top Chef: New York
Episode: The Last Supper (Or, Padma And Her Apostles Of Cookery)
February 11, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: Stefan pounded a nail through an eel's head. Things got fishier from there when Stefan won the elimination challenge over Carla. Jamie and Leah each messed up their fish dishes, but in the end it was Jamie who was de-knifed leaving us all just a little less ... inky.
The morning after Jamie's departure, Chef Stefan ("St. Stefan, Patron Saint of Albino Fry-Cooks") is outside feeding his filthy habit alongside Chef Fabio ("St. Fabio, Patron Saint of Grandmamas and Alka-Seltzer Pitchmen") and Chef Hosea ("St. Hosea, Patron Saint of Cuckolders and Amish Buggy Salesmen"). They all agree that Jamie needed to go (since she could have probably beaten them all in the end).
Meanwhile, Chef Leah ("St. Leah, Patron Saint of Dull Surprise") busies herself with making the beds, making the breakfast and covering up the logos of all the companies who didn't pony up the funds to sponsor this clam bake. She provides the first funny of the day when she says cooking is the first thing she's done really well. And as they wait to leave for the day, we see that Chef Carla ("St. Carla, Patron Saint of Dy-No-Mite!") is acting extra goofy, even saying at one point that she used to be a model.
It's then that we see why she's acting this way: Fabio seems to have snatched off and is playing with the antennae she uses to communicate with her spirit guides. This has left her dangerously ungrounded.
Quickfire Challenge
The chefs arrive in the basement logo showroom where they are greeted by Padma and noted hair model Wylie Dufresne. He is the owner of the STP-themed restaurant, WD-40, and a famed "molecular gastronomist." He is seemingly not the owner of a pair of clippers.
(Seriously, if you have that much chest hair, either trim it or show it off proudly, Magnum P.I. style. When it pokes out from under your t-shirt like that, it makes me wanna molecularize all over your gastronomy.)
And since Wylie is obsessed with eggs, the chefs will have to "surprise and delight" Wylie with something edgy and eggy for him. (Secret side note to all current and former Apple retail employees: Did you think Padma's use of that particular phrase was intentional? Discuss.)
The winner of the challenge will get a "serious" advantage in the elimination challenge. Go!
Fabio says he really wants to win this because the "sticks" are high. He channels departed Chef Jeff and decides to make a trio of eggish things using the mol-gast ethic of changing the nature of things with chemicals and such. Sounds marvelously artificial!
Hosea's plan is to take eggs and turn them into something they are not. In his case, he's doing several things, including a sushi roll using egg whites instead of seaweed.
Flat-Affect Sally says she needs to win this. Stefan previews his duo of egg/not-egg hoo ha. And Carla ... Well, Carla's just not down with the whole fake food idea. So she decides to go for whimsy and makes some Seussical green eggs and ham. Without the ham.
Everyone runs around like crazy while Carla concentrates on talking to her eggs in a calm and steady voice.
Time!
Truckstop stylee Wylie and Padma taste the dishes.
Stefan's two-way sweet and savory eggs and "eggs" thing is "clever." Leah's "I'm bored" egg thing is ruled "nice."
Carla's ham-less green-eggs-and-ham is ... very green. Hosea's trio of Japanese dinner items ala Egghead is OK. And Fabio, who is "not big in breakfas'," has a trio of non-breakfast-y eggs and "eggs." One item, a lichee soup served in an egg shell, isn't so much a dessert as a "dessert."
It's all very "confusing." And "pretentious."
In the final assessment, Wylie of the Trailer-Park 'Do didn't think Fabio did too well, leaving the spicy Italian "pissed." He wasn't terribly impressed with HoLeah either.
But since only one person focused on one item and did it well, Carla wins. Yea, Carla!
Elimination Challenge
Knife block! The chefs pull knives and on each knife (does Bravo keep someone employed simply for sticking vinyl stenciled letters on knives?) is the name of some grand poobah of the culinary world. The matchups are ...
- Fabio: Lidia Bastianich. Fabs is crazy mad for her, since she's the Italian cooking goddess, it seems.
- Hosea: Susan Ungaro, some grand diva of cooking competitions. Bow down.
- Stefan: Marcus Samuelsson. Needs no introduction, so he doesn't get one. So I'll just assume he's the lead singer of Fine Young Cannibals.
- Leah: Wylie Dufresne, since one can't get enough of eggs and chest hair in one day.
- Carla: Jaques Pépin, lord master of all that is cookery.
(There's an anecdote hidden in here about overweening fame in one field often meaning nothing outside it. But I'd guess that, from my tone, you can tell I have no idea who these people are. Of course, throw me a faded pop star from 1966 and I'm all over that.)
And what ever will the chefs be cooking? Well, they've asked each of the Culinary Apostles what he or she would want to eat for his or her last meal. And each contestant will have to make this meal for their assigned Disciple of Padma.
The meals will be ...
- For Jaques Pépin, Carla will be making roast pigeon peas. Or is that roasted pigeon with peas? Or squab with peas? No matter, as she's vibrating over the concept.
- For Susan Ungaro, Hosea will be making shrimp scampi with tomatoes provençal.
- For Marcus Samuelsson, Stefan will be charged with Eurotrashing roasted salmon and spinach.
- For Lidia Bastianich, Fabio will be making roast chicken with roasted potatoes and a "leafy" salad (as opposed to a Libby's™ fruit cup).
- And for Wylie Carny-Hair, Leah will be making Eggs Benedict.
Carla's "advantage" is that she gets to swap dishes with someone else if she would like; she doesn't.
The chefs will get two hours to cook before being magically transported to the dining hall at Santa Maria delle Grazie in Milan where they will be serving their meals.
After Stefan regales us with some commentary comparing being eliminated at this stage (right before the finale) to licking feces off a thin piece of wood, they all head off to shop? No, we actually get to go to Perilla, the SoHo restaurant of season one winner Harold. (It's really good. Go there.)
There, the five compare notes with the paunchified/paunchifying first winner about the competitions. Leah repeats her catchphrase, "I didn't know it was gonna be this hard," and all the men in the room nod in recognition.
Once that plug is over, it's the next day and they all race off to Publix™ for supplies. Carla is lucky enough to find pigeon at the meat counter and peas (out of season, I presume). Thus, we are spared the sight of Crazy-Eyes with a butterfly net catching her prey off ledges in midtown. (Damn.)
While everyone shops, Stefan decides to employ the strategy of personally douching up the joint as a means of sabotaging his competition. But it doesn't seem to be working.
"Hosea'sabeenaroundlokenough," he says. "Youcanchopmylegsoffandmyarmsoffandyoustillruncircleundathadude. Idon'tthinhehasdaballsferbeinachef."
Then, it's off to cook. Carla focuses on her simple plate. While Leah starts work on her egg plate.
And since what she says doesn't bring the necessary funny in English, we provide for you the Spanish translation for sexual double entendre purposes.
"Me encantan los huevos," dice la chica floja, "pues como los huevos a cualquier hora del dia."
She also says something about "sucking ass" last time out.
Moving on ...
Stefan gets all cocky about his cooking skills. And Hosea tells us he's Hoseifying or as he puts it, adding his "thing" to the shrimp scampi. Since he hasn't been able to add his "thing" to Leah for a couple of weeks, it's been building up.
"I'm not sure if they're gonna love that part or not be so down with that," he says.
Oh, I can taste the foreshadowing already!
Then, tragedy strikes. Crash! It seems that Fabio has somehow bent back and broke his pinkie finger and is in need of immediate medical attention. But when the medic asks if he wants to go to the hospital, Fabio offers his best Fabism to date.
"Hospital?" he sneers. "I'll chop it off, an' sear it on the flat-top so it doesn't bleedanmore. An' tomorrow, I deal with nine finger."
Still, despite his Rocky-esque ethic, Fabs struggles to cook one-handed. Also, for some reason, he invokes the name of pop siren Madonna when he curses. (Hmm. Must be a Kabbalah thing.)
Over in CzechFinnCaliforniPrussiaAustria-HungaryLandOfOz, Stefan decides that rather than make spinach one way, he'll make it two ways. And the pungent aroma of foreshadowing doom fills the air.
As they near completion, each of the chefs discusses his or her own wishes for a last meal. Strangely, Fabio would not want his prepared by cheftestants, but would rather stick his dead grandma in front of a stovetop and have her start cooking again.
I don't really see how that would work.
Tom pops into the kitchen to ask that the chefs not embarrass him in front of the Apostles Of Cuisine. When they say they won't, Tom thinks that's "awesome."
With that, just as it was revealed in the The DaVinci Code, the Apostles show up to to take their seats for their Last Supper. (The guillotines are tastefully kept just out of camera range. Those are for dessert.)
First up is Leah and her Eggs Benedict. She thinks her hollandaise sauce is a bit too thick and, at the last minute, she thins it out some. She serves.
The Apostles dig into her dish, hampered only by the luminescent glow of their halos. They seem to enjoy the dish, but find the sauce too runny and lacking in texture.
Next is Stefan and his Cocky Salmon. He serves and attempts to ingratiate himself to the "She Drives Me Crazy" singer by recognizing that he grew up in Scandinavia. But it doesn't help. Everyone agrees the salmon is overcooked and no one can tell that there are indeed two different preparations of spinach on the plate.
Then, it's Hosea's turn to show everyone his shrimp. It doesn't impress. (Perhaps that's why he and Leah haven't been "flirting" for three episodes.) Apostle Lidia doesn't seem particularly impressed with the Hosea "thing" he added to his dish, insisting she doesn't like cream in her food.
Fourth up is Fabio and his Italo-Magnifico Chicken. He's still having trouble working one-handed, but is finding a way to butcher his chicken with a "clever."
He serves. They all totally worship the chicken and toast to Lidia's last moments on earth. But there's one sticking point: Fabio's salad, which Wylie Of The Renaissance Faire compares to a salad you'd get on an airplane. (Um, do they have salads in those air-packed peanut bags? I forget.)
Still, he thinks the chicken is "awesome," adding, "absolutely awesome."
And lastly, it's time for Carla's fresh-from-crapping-on-my-car Pigeon-N-Peas. She's a bit concerned about the temperature of her bird and that it's now not as rare as she'd like it to be. Still, she must serve.
Everyone goes crazy nuts for the peas, which no one imagined she'd be able to find at this time of the year (When? February? August? I lose track.) As for the bird, some think it's not rare enough, while others think it's perfect. In the end Tom (conveniently placing himself on the "younger" side of things) chalks up the difference to a generational taste as to how squab should be prepared.
Yet, Jacques is happy to go to his beheading after the meal. And that's all that matters.
The chefestants are called back out, Tom rises and says, "Tonight, one of you will betray me!" (Or maybe I'm remembering this wrong.)
The cheftestants leave, the Apostles make a final toast and, in a surprise twist, the room starts to fill with a poison gas.
Judges' Table
In the Stewed Room, the chefs rib each other and Fabio quips, "It's Top Chef, not Top Pussy." Leah shoots him a look that either means, a.) "It's not?", or, b.) "Shh, that's our little secret." A second later, they kiss and make up.
A pair of raisins modesly draped in red fabric appears in the room. The voice from about a foot higher them calls all the chefs to face the judges.
Gong!
It seems the judges have survived their attempted mass slaughter and are ready to rule.
Apostle Jacques says he likes Leah's eggs, but they could have used two or three more minutes of "cocaine." (Oh those Frenchmen!)
The Apostles (and that annoying British twit) all agree that Stefan's fish was overcooked and the spinach was a mess. And Hosea's shrimp, again, didn't impress. Apostle Jacques also notes that the tomato wasn't prepared properly.
Everyone adored Fabio's clever one-handed chicken. Fabio just wanted to know if the Apostle Lidia liked it. She did.
But, his salad is deemed "airline food."
He offers to go back to the stew room and commit hara-kiri as punishment. Tom says that won't be necessary, but does point out that the airlines are always looking for chefs to whip up those lovely box lunches you can order on board for the low fee of $25.50, plus tax.
Carla volunteers that her bird was overcooked, but the Apostles renew their "generational" disagreement about the proper cooking of urban wildlife.
The chefs head back to the stewed room to rehash the critiques. Hosea takes this moment to again bring up the subject of fecal matter on a thin piece of wood. Yum.
Discuss. Discuss. Discuss.
And we're back.
The winner of the challange and going on to the finale is ... Fabio. (Bravo, Bravo!)
Also earning a place in the finale, Crazy-Eyes Carla! (Hootie Hoo!)
They head back to the stewed room, Carla declaring this news "awesome."
This leaves the remaining three to face the final judgement.
Blah, blah, blah ... Leah's out.
And there is rejoicing across the land.
"Peace out, bitches!"
Yes, "peace out, bitches," indeed.
Next time on Top Chef: The finale begins. New Orleans! Emeril Lagasse! Masks! And Fabio with a lesbian fauxhawk?!
Top Chef: New York
Episode: Le Bernadin (Or, Something Fishy This Way Comes)
February 4, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: Corporate synergy abounded, we celebrated Superbowl Sunday, late summer-style. Everyone stood around as they cooked to the tunes of Hall & Oates. Afterward, Cheftestants Of Seasons Past appeared to challenge the remaining contestants in NFL-related face-offs. Stefan was a total schmuck, picked a challenger he thought would be an easy mark and went down hard. Carla won the challenge and tickets to the Superbowl. Stefan, Fabio and Jeff ended up on the losing end of things. And after a serious assessment of how telegenic they each are their dishes, Jeff was sent packing.
It's morning at Casa Cuisine. And after the requisite last-time-almost-loser footage (Chef Stefan {"the one with the translucent eyebrows"} ruminating on how he unexpectedly was in the bottom three and Chef Fabio {"the one who will be fan favorite"} holding the crappy cellphone up to the cameras), we move directly to ...
Quickfire Challenge
The chefs arrive in Logoland™ for the challenge and are met by Padma and renowned French accent, Chef Eric Ripert. He also knows a thing or two about sea kittens fish, it would seem. And for their challenge, the chefs will be tested on precision and speed with a three-round fish filleting tournament.
Round 1: Sardine. Sardines are small and delicate. And, as such, are hard to fillet, so this should be a tough one. Chef Eric had already prepared one for comparison. The cheftestants will have to fillet two others in five minutes. Go!
Most everyone freaks. Chef Hosea ("the one who doesn't know the meaning of 'flirting'"), who will never stop talking about how he works in a seafood restaurant, says he's never worked with sardines before. Chef Leah ("the one who's seen Hosea's tonsils up close"), who we've seen wrestle with fish constantly, says she wants to redeem herself, but spends the five minutes cursing at her fish instead.
Time!
Chef Carla ("the one who cooks though her third eye") massacred her fishy and is wholly disgusted with how she did. This causes her to adopt a severe accent for some reason. Chef Jamie ("the one who would rather be working with scallops"), who has also never cleaned a sardine, has made a fishy mess of things.
Fabio reveals that as an infant, instead of a security blanket, he was given a fillet knife and a bucket of sardines to gut and clean. So, naturally, he has some experience with this.
Chef Eric calls out the two tops at this as Fabio and, surprisingly, Leah. The bottom two who are eliminated from the challenge are, not surprisingly, Carla and Jamie.
Round 2: Arctic Char. They have five minutes to fillet the fish. Go!
Everyone starts cutting and, for some reason, Leah freaks out mid-challenge. And she just just gives up.
Time!
Leah is cavalier about her surrender. Stefan is dickish about how he did. Fabio did well, but wasted a lot of fish. And seafood Hosea is judged to have done a great job.
The tops: Hosea and Stefan. Out of the challenge: Fabio and Surrender Sally.
Round 3: EEL! It's a shocker (though it's probably not an electric eel). Still, even though the fish has been killed already, the creature's nervous system is such that it still twitches, writhes and even gapes at the cameras after it's dead. This, in addition to being kind of gross, should make things tough for the skinheaded rivals.
After the two blow kisses at each other, they tell us how they feel about this. Hosea notes that there are no eels in Colorado. Stefan who has gone from being Finnish, to Californian, to French, to Czech, to Austrian, to Malamute ... is now German. And in Germany children grow up butchering eels in their playpens. So, this should be a breeze for him.
As such, Stefan Of The U.N. instantly knows to secure the critter by (literally) nailing it's head to the cutting board and then ripping its skin off. Hosea, who has been wrestling with his snake (and working with his eel) cribs Stefan's technique, grabs a hammer and does the same thing.
At this point, I'm pretty sure the vegan viewership has dropped to zero.
Hosea makes a valiant effort, but Stefan is so dominating this one that he even takes time out to (prickishly) clean off his work station.
Time!
Yeah, you know how this one is gonna end. Both fillets are great, but Stefan wins for having a cleaner work station.
Everyone groans that Stefan Of The Intergalactic Council has won yet another one.
And here the chefs get a "surprise." They will all get to have lunch with The Great French Fish Chef at his award-winning restaurant, Le Bernadin. This, of course, will have nothing at all to do with the expected upcoming elimination challenge.
Fakeout time! In this week's "please stop for a moment to enjoy a commercial that's not included within the show itself" scene, Stefan leads the cheftestants back at the suite through a mock Quickfire. The chefs offer a hysterical impression of the judging and (tellingly) the most entertaining moment of the episode. Fakeout over!
After Stefan shows off his package for the cameras back at the suite, everyone arrives at Le Bernadin for their lunch which will have nothing at all to do with the expected upcoming elimination challenge. Hosea helpfully explains to us that the restaurant's calling card is food that looks very simple, but is actually quite complicated.
(Since, to me, microwave pizza is complicated, I'll take his word on this one.)
The six chefs will just coincidentally be tasting six different fish dishes. The dishes are served one by one. Everyone (except Jamie, who obviously wanted scallops) is impressed. Leah is most impressed and now wants to mount Chef Eric (now that her "flirting" with Hosea has run its course).
Tom thinks the food is "awesome." And Carla, age 44, wants to be one of Chef Eric's dishes when she grows up. (Since we're both 44 and still speculating on what we wanna be when we grow up, I choose "Hugh Jackman's trousers.")
And for the seventh course (wink, wink), we have ... The Knife Block Of Doom!
Betcha didn't see that one comin'.
Elimination Challenge
It's simple. Since they should have all been paying attention, they should have realized what was coming. They each will have to recreate one of the six fancy fish dishes they just sampled. (Clearly, this is one of those "it's a lot harder than it looks" things.)
And since Stefan won the Quickfire, he gets to choose which one he wants.
He surprises no one by picking the lobster dish, since he loves cooking lobster and thinks it's one of his specialties (along with seducing lesbians and being able to make seventeendifferentwordssoundlikeonehugethingthatneedssubtitles).
Without getting into the details of each dish, the pairings are ...
Of the, chefs, Jamie is most bummed out since she didn't care for the food in the first place and ended up with the dish she liked the least. She mutters something about not understanding braised celery, as if it was Ulysses.
The chefs head back to the Le Bernadin kitchen for their two hours of testing and prep work. Here, they will have to experiment with the supplied ingredients to discern exactly how to put the dishes together.
Carla, who has the escolar, is nervous because she's never oil-poached a fish before. And Jamie gets to play Flat-Affect Annie this week, since she hasn't a clue about how to braise celery or make a sauce out of ham.
Suddenly, Leah blurts out that at her last restaurant she was the lead fish cook and that she's super-duper confident around fish. It was just a total fluke that she surrendered to the char in the last challenge and made a total mess of fish in two previous challenges. (I imagine it was all that sexual tension with Hosea that was inhibiting her boning skills before.)
Hosea's challenge is that he has to work with some unfamiliar spice called "za'tar." This should prove difficult because, in addition to being rare, the spice has the peculiar flavor of apostrophes.
And Fabio's issue with his snapper is that he's up against the centuries-old conflict between the Italians and the French which dates back to the Italian Wars of 1494. (Who knew that was all about the delicate flavors of marine life?)
Elsewhere, Leah's next issue is figuring out her miso. Since the flavor is way too "schtrong," she decides to cut it with butter. (This, apparently, was not the right choice. ... Like I'd know this.)
Chef Eric arrives to Tim Gunn up the place. He advises Stefan that the asparagus should not be cooked. He tells Leah her miso is too oily and intense. She humps his leg anyway.
Carla seems to be doing well. And Eric feels that Hosea still has too many zithers on his fish. (Or something like that.)
And, in a scene that in no way is indicative of the eventual outcome, there wasn't time for Eric to taste Jamie's dish.
The judges arrive for their meal. Padma, Tom, Chef Eric and, of course, Mr. Snippy Strained Simile.
Service!
Up first, Fabio and his sourdough crusted red snapper. It's judged to be reasonably close to the original.
Second is Leah's mahi-mahi. She has trouble with how well her fish is cooked. And when she serves it the miso is way off. As for the fish itself, Judgey McRazorburn makes some comment about Leah's tasting like some random fish he's had on holiday in the Caribbean.
Next is Stefan and his Icoulddothisinmysleep lobster. It's ruled to be just about a perfect match, the only difference being that Stefan's hand-whipped sauce is thicker than the blenderized original.
Carla's escolar with potato chips follows and she's having timing issues with her chips. Everyone helps Carla out in plating, which is really very nice. And not only because it spares us the cliché moment where someone has to say, "This is a competition. I didn't come here to make friends."
Once it's served, it's deemed probably the most difficult dish to recreate and she's seen as having done a remarkable job with it.
Hosea, who works in a seafood restaurant, is afraid he's off with his monkfish. And when it's served to the judges, they think the fish isn't really cooked properly and is a bit heavy on the Zuzu petals.
Tom points out that Hosea has a lot at stake since he works in a seafood restaurant, a tidbit about Hosea which had heretofore been a closely guarded secret.
Lastly, it's time for Jamie's "I couldn't care less" black bass. But as she's plating her braised celery, she realizes that it's too salty. And since there's nothing she can do about it at this stage, she just sends it out. But her bass is cooked. And so is her goose.
When it gets out to the judges, they all remark on how salty the dish is. Judge Jibes-N-Hornrims opines that Tom is being "too kind" about the dish and that it is "remarkably poor."
Tom, who does not seem to enjoy the little man, mutters that "it's not as easy as it looks." Judge O'Schmuckface continues his rant with an awful analogy about going on a high wire and then (I presume) being anally penetrated without proper lubrication. Everyone smiles awkwardly with that "I'm so gonna kill Andy Cohen over this fucker" look that people get from time to time.
Judges' Table
Padma pops into the Stewed Room and calls up the top three, Fabio, Stefan and Carla.
Before the judges, Stefan all but says it was really easy for him. Fabio is praised for what he presented. And Carla enthuses over the challenge.
She impresses the judges by explaining in great detail how she detected so many elements of the dish which (I would presume) would stump most chefs. The Judge I Want To Fillet endangers the continuing state of repair of my flatscreen in saying that he would name the dish "Pablo Escolar," since, you see, there was once this big-time drug kingpin named Pablo Escobar and Carla had a fish called "escolar" and the names sort of sound sort of the same and he's been working all day on that pun, and ... oh, yeah ... he's a fuckhead.
Chef Eric gets to name the winner, who is .... Stefan.
Whoopee.
Stefan wins a book. ... And gets to apprentice under Chef Eric in three of his restaurants for a week's time.
Grumble, grumble, grumble.
And he gets housing for that time from the Ritz-Carlton.
OK, that tears it!
And when that's done, he gets to go to a food and wine festival with the noted chef.
God freakin' damnit! He picked the easiest one and gets rewarded like this when Carla had to be freakin' Miss Marple and loses out? Agh!
Now for the bottoms, Hosea, Jamie and Leah. Gong!
Hosea, who works in a seafood restaurant, is criticized with how he cooked his monkfish. It seems he worked it on the treadmill for too long and just wouldn't let the damn thing rest. Oh, and he went too heavy on the Zasu Pitts.
Leah is slammed for totally missing the mark on how Chef Eric made his miso broth. Judge Achin' Fer-A-Shankin' makes some witty remark about her fish still being caught in his teeth. Asked if she wants to now give up (like she did in the Quickfire), she says that she "want(s) to be here."
Drink.
Jamie says she's not surprised to be in the bottom. She knows the problem was that her celery over-reduced and was too salty. Judge Why-Am-I-Still-Employed-When-There-Are-People-Being-Laid-Off-Right-And-Left calls her dish "toxic." She looks at the other judges with a "You have to hang out with this dude?" expression.
They head back to the Stewed Room where Leah and Jamie argue over which one of them had a worse dish and got a more pained critique from Judge Quippy The Pinhead.
After the judges deliberate, the losers are called back in.
"Jamie ... please pack your knives and go."
And, with that, Team Rainbow is officially toast. Oversalted toast.
Next time on Top Chef: Who gets to be in the final four? It has to be perfect. Fabio is injured! And someone doesn't cook from his or her guts.
Top Chef: New York
Episode: Super Bowl Chef Showdown (Or, We're Just Here To Do The Super Bowl Shuffle)
January 28, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs got to compete in the long-awaited Restaurant Wars challenge. Hosea and Leah "flirted" to the point the shared couch needed a serious disinfection. Radhika led a team which served great food, but was dragged down by her poor service and Carla's runny desserts. Fabio's extra-sexy service and Stefan's desserts helped their team prevail, despite Hosea's and Leah's crappy food. Stefan's head grew three sizes larger with another win. And Radhika was told to pack her curries and go.
The chefs wake to find themselves still surrounded by corporate logos, which overnight have been tattooed onto their foreheads. After reviewing their contracts, they each decide to carry on anyways.
Reflecting on the previous challenge, Chef Leah (aka "Chef Dull Surprise") tries to sell us on the premise that the other night she and Chef Hosea (aka "Chef How'd My Tongue End Up In Your Trachea?") just had too much too drink, only shared one kiss ... and both know exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
Chef Carla (aka "Chef Uri Geller") feels she dodged a bullet in not getting eliminated in the last round. And over the breakfast table, Leah and Hosea discuss the finer points of scatological put-downs with Chef Stefan (aka "Chef Nicotine") and Chef Fabio (aka "Chef Faaaaabio").
Also, for those of you playing the home game, if you chose "Episode Ten," "Minute 2" and "Hosea" for our first "there's no room for error," come on down and collect your prize!
Quickfire Challenge
The chefs arrive downstairs in the "Your Ad Here!" Kitchen, where they are greeted by Padma and this week's guest judge, the just-too-damn-sexy-for-words chef Scott Conant. Padma reveals that the corporate overlords at NBC had a big meeting about synergy.
The suits figured that since the parent network is airing the Superbowl in late January, and we're promoting the fantasy that this is all happening live, and we have to pay homage to another of our beloved sponsors, and there's no better pairing than football and a women-and-gay-men-centric cable network devoted to foodies, fashion and style, the producers have to to mash up all these ideas to create a challenge for Top Chef.
Reveal "Football Squares, Top Chef style!" ... Now wipe that puzzled look off your face.
It's a chalkboard, divided into squares, with the column and row headings all covered by black tape. The chefs will each write their name in a square from a different row and column. Then, Padma will reveal which corresponding food group (left column) and "secret ingredient" (top row) they will each have to use in their dish.
As they write their names down, Padma reveals the food groups, but not the "secret ingredients."
- Chef Jamie (aka "Chef Inky") gets Fruits, since she's the last remaining member of Team Rainbow.
- Leah gets Seafood, since everyone here can come up with their own joke on that one.
- Fabio gets Vegetables, since he's a meat-eater and we love to see people struggle.
- Stefan gets Dairy, since he's hot for anything that produces milk.
- Hosea gets Meat, since he's a tubesteak.
- Chef Jeff (aka "Chef Winky") gets poultry, since he most resembles chicken.
And then Padma reveals which "key ingredient" they each will be using. And, wonder of wonders, they all get the same one! Yes, they will have to prepare a dish incorporating the music of '70s/'80s soft rock icons Hall & Oates!
Go!
The chefs rush past a hastily prepared store display for a bunch of Hall & Oates products they will not be using and get to work. Jamie decides to avoid the obvious fruit/oats combo and go for something savory instead. Hosea goes for wiener schnitzel. And Jeff works out his frustrations by pounding the hell out of a chicken with a frying pan.
Carla says this is because Jeff has trouble reining in his monkeys. (These must be the monkeys whose asses Fabio is always considering cooking up.)
Stefan says he's doing a fancy dessert while Leah is her usual mess, once again wrestling with her boning technique. Hosea reminds us the she wasn't good at boning last week either.
Since Carla is the number one Hall & Oates fan, she knows that hers will need to be cooked like pasta to achieve the best tasting dish. Meanwhile, Poor Fabio has some cockamamie idea about coating eggplant in oats.
AND THEN ...
And then, Cliffie got fed up with the cold weather in Columbus, threw up his hands and went to Hawaii to learn to surf. ... Hence, the following abbreviated remainder. As Kathy Griffin would say, "Suck on it." ... With love.
Fabio lost. And Stefan won. He got even more cocky, if that's even possible.
Then came time for the Elimination Challenge. The chefs put on jerseys. Leah didn't know that the "5" on them indicated this is the fifth season.
They emerged to see that they were to play against a team of all-stars from previous seasons (and someone named Camille).
I wet myself seeing Andrew return.
Each Season Five chef was put head-to-head against an all-star using food suggestive of a city/NFL team.
Stefan picked Organica Annie (yes, her name isn't "Annie," I'm just too zoned on Mai Tais to remember it now) from Season One, figuring she'd be the easiest one to beat. He was wrong. His cock got that much smaller. If that's possible.
Jamie beat someone. Jeff lost to someone narrowly. Hosea and Leah beat their competition.
And there was some chick named Camille in there somewhere.
Fabio got stuck with Wisconsin food (for the Green Bay Packers™) and, after overcooking venison, was tagged for elimination along with Jeff and Stefan.
Oh, and Wackadoodle Carla beat out my Andrew. And as much as I love me some Andrew, I was really happy for her.
In the end, the Season Five cheftestants beat out the cheftestants of seasons past. As punishment, the old cheftestants were wrapped in Gladware and sent back to their respective restaurants with nary a trace of freezer burn.
At Judges' Table, Carla was awarded the grand prize which, along with bragging rights, included two tickets to the SuperBowl (which I missed due to my aforementioned "I'm gonna surf, damnit" moment).
Facing elimination, Jeff, Fabio and Stefan made things really hard for the judges, since they've generally been three of the best chefs this season.
Would they punish Fabio for the overcooked venison and send the ratings through the floor by 86ing probably the most entertaining chef ever?
Would they do what they say they do all the time, that is judge the chefs only by their last dish and not their previous performances and get rid of overarching favorite Stefan?
Or would they get rid of cute-but-unfocused Jeff, despite his only narrowly being beat by his all-star competition, Chef Josie and her warm ceviche?
You had to ask?
Jeff, we hardly knew ye. ... And it wasn't just because of any alleged lack of personality. Was it?
Next time on Top Chef: Cliff returns to Columbus and cries as he looks wistfully at images of himself catching a wave as the ice piles up on top of the hybrid.
