Top Chef Masters Episode: Dropping Names And Drooping Eyelids July 22, 2009
Previously on Top Chef Masters: After a moment of Bravo cross-promotion, hunky daddy chef Michael Chiarello narrowly beat out the Swedish Chef, a pretty up-and-comer and the designated dark-smock-wearer to win the the a spot in the finals.
It’s the final round of the semi-finals to see which Master Chef can make the best food and the worst TV. Competing this week are ...
Jonathan Waxman: This week’s obligatory “old vet with something to prove.” Master chef from New York. Trained other master chefs. Will constantly remind everyone how old he is and misjudge how young they are. And, seeing as he’s nearly blind (his words, not mine), will need someone to read this to him. Playing for Meals on Wheels.
Roy Yamaguchi: This episode’s ethnic flavor. Hawaiian Master chef. Invented Hawaiian fusion. Owner of Roy’s, which, it seems, has 856 locations. Since he spends all his time running from one to another, hasn’t had the time to set foot in a grocery store in 30 years. Playing for a local family services group.
Art Smith: (I’ll put this out there right now. I have a visceral, chemical reaction to this man. And it’s not a good one. If this bothers you, run away now.) Oprah’s chef. Noted name dropper and huge priss, in personality and size. Owns restaurants in Chicago and Washington. Knows everyone and cries each time the wind changes direction. Noted humanitarian. Playing for his kids charity which teaches underprivileged to cook.
Michael Cimarusti: This episode’s “youngster chef with something to prove.” Los Angeles Master chef. Specializes in seafood. When he got started, worked with lots of people with long, French names. Playing for the Grameen Foundation, which helps women in poverty.
Enter NotPadma to introduce the ...
Quickfire Challenge
After Chef Jonathan gets a dig in about Chef Art being a fatty-fatty-two-by-four, NotPadma directs the Masters to pull knives from the knife block. Each knife has a number. She explains that this challenge will be a revival of the Top Chef “aisle challenge,” wherein each chef can only shop from one aisle in the grocery store.
And they’ll only have $20 with which to shop.
Chef Art thinks this would be a good time to mention that he’s cooked for Julia Child, Mikhail Baryshnikov the King of Sweden and (he says blushing girlishly) President Barack Obama.
The Masters head off to the Kroger’s to shop.
Chef Jonathan is a bit at a loss, since his aisle is all cans, bottles and jars. He doesn’t open cans, bottles or jars. And he can’t see to read the labels.
Chef Michael is in the bakery aisle. This means he’ll be making dessert. His wife is the pastry chef in the family. He’s like his wife to do this challenge for him.
Chef Roy is in the pasta and “international foods” aisle and is bothered that soy sauce isn’t there. Somehow he’s managed to remember what grocery stores are like after 30 years.
Chef Art is in the beans and grains aisle. This tells him that he’ll be making a risotto. Because that’s a favorite of John Tra-VOLTA!
Chef Art takes a moment to call Chef Michael “chicken” (wink, wink), says he can teach him “a few things” (wink, wink) and they all head back to the Kitchen of Booby-Trapped GE™ Monogram Appliances.
Once back, NotPadma tells them that their dishes will be judged by quasi-foodies, or, more specifically, Safeway employees. (Because who better to judge a dish than the guy who collects the shopping carts and keeps them from denting your SUV?)
Chef Roy’s trying to make an Asian-style pasta, but is stuck without his soy sauce. He settles on putting a cooked egg on it and calling is an “Asian twist.”
Chef Jonathan and Chef Art can’t figure out how to work a pressure cooker and are saved by Chef Michael who knows how to work the fancy gizmo. Chef Art mentions Oprah and the president again. And ... time’s up!
Service
First up is Chef’s Roy’s pasta aisle pasta with fried egg. A few diners say the egg-and-pasta combo is “weird” and “strange.”
Next, is Chef Jonathan’s lentil salad. Someone says it has an Eastern European flavor. Someone else thinks it’s too heavy on the onion.
Third, is Chef Teddy Ruxpin’s multi-grain risotto with a crispy rice salad. The bagger likes the crunch. The check casher likes it too.
Lastly, it’s Chef Michael’s chocolate parfait with ginger. It’s a home run.
NotPadma reveals the results:
Chef Jonathan earns ... 3 1/2 stars.
Chef Roy earns ... 4 stars.
Chef Art earns ... 4 1/2 stars. (He squints, wets himself and thinks of when he had a brief encounter with Princess Diana.)
Chef Michael earns ... 5 stars.
(It sure looks like Piggly Wiggly employees are a whole lot more generous with their ratings than cross-promotional Bravolebrities.)
Elimination Challenge
Out comes the knife block again. Each Master picks one, but is instructed to keep secret what’s on it. NotPadma then reveals that the challenge this week will be to go to the Albertson’s and shop for their one, designated competitor.
Ooh, drama! Will there be cutthroat sabotage? Will one chef fill his competitor’s box with offal, pet food and laundry detergent?
As if.
Nope, they’re all professionals and friends. So, if you were looking for drama, I suggest you switch over to I Love Money 3 on VH1; there’s nothing for you here.
They head back to the Food Lion to shop. While they do so, Chef Bert Lahr weeps into his tail and regales us with tales of Will Smith, Gianni Versace and Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Chef Jonathan explains that the word “sabotage” in “professional chef” does not exist. ... Which seems rather elementary. I mean, the words “caffeine slosh pro” are in “professional chef,” but “sabotage,” never.
Chef Jonathan mentions that Chef Michael was once his young student and he could always see his bright eyes “checking me out,” Chef Art begs for chicken ...
And Chef Michael starts looking really nervous.
As they leave the Ralph’s, Chef Art says something about “taking up the rear” to Chef Jonathan and all of America hollers, “T.M.I.!”
Fake-Out Scene!
The four Masters head to NotPadma’s house and make a meal together. Most boring Fake-Out-Scene ever.
Fake-Out Scene over!
Back in the kitchen, the Masters get to trade boxes. Chef Captain Kangaroo is all a-twitter over what he’s getting. He’s afraid that inside this two foot by two foot square wooden box is an ibex or such which he’ll have to butcher. Again, he asks for chicken ... making Chef Michael nervous.
Instead, he gets a collection of routine ingredients. He particularly creams over the white yams, for some reason.
In fact, the box trade is sooo dull (there was nothing unusual or challenging in any of the boxes), that we’ll move on to ...
Cooking
.... which is also amazingly dull. In fact, it’s so dull, we spend about half our time discussing the Masters’ charities and backgrounds. And how Chef Jonathan is working blind. Because he’s old.
Chef Precious Precious plugs away at his chicken dish and explains that, growing up, he was taught that “food is love.” ... Uh, yeah. The man’s had too much love. In fact, I’m pretty sure I know understand Oprah better now. She is very loved.
Chef Roy has trouble cooking extemporaneously. Chef Michael doesn’t have time to sauce all his plates and, before you know it, it’s time for service.
The diners (a collection of culinary students) and the critics arrive. Judging today will be Chef Gael “Cappy” Greene, The Critic Of Sleepy Hollow and the ever-delightful Gail Simmons.
Serving first is Chef Frank Bielec. He explains his whole love = food theory to the diners. “You feed people and they will come,” he declares in his surreptitiously lewd-and-creepy way. He produces his fried chicken two ways with mango cobbler chaser and the eating commences. Gail says the food “oozes Art Smith,” which grosses me out immensely.
Next is Chef Roy. He serves his short ribs with mahi-mahi. The dish gets very mixed reviews. No one seems to think they work together, and the ribs aren’t done very well. But Hat Lady does love the fish.
Moving on.
Third is Chef Michael. He’s serving a loin of lamb with cauliflower. The whole business of some dishes being sauced and others not is what passes for drama here. We bite off what remains of our fingernails wondering if Gail will deduct points for having to sample the sauce off another diner’s plate. Beyond that, no one feels particularly strongly about the dish.
Serving last is Chef Jonathan. He serves his pork chops on a plate the size of the Great Barrier Reef. And, as a result, his sauce smears all over the plate making it look like something I’d make. (That’s not a good thing, incidentally.) He says the dish is a “retro ‘80s” meal. This, to me, means you eat it making “wocka-wocka-wocka” sounds while invading a small island nation. But the diners seem to take his meaning.
Speaking of the ‘80s, Chef Jonathan does a certain thing that folks “of a certain age” do which drives me to distraction: In talking about his coming up in the ‘80s, he says to the diners that that was probably “before some of you were born.”
Honestly. Is it that his eyesight is really that bad or does he genuinely think there are 19-year-olds at the table?
Anyway, his pork chop with truffle is a real hit. Even if it looks messy as hell.
The diners calculate their scores and the critics head off for ...
Critics Table
The apostrophe-challenged judges question the Masters about their dishes.
Chef Kenny Rogers Roasters reminds us again that food is love. And how he’s shared this love with the likes of Ricki Lake, Brigitte Nielsen and a bus-and-truck tour of Porgy & Bess.
Then, the chefs explain their choices and how no one purposely selected difficult items for his competitor.
This leads to a long back-and-forth about how the chefs are all friends and colleagues and would never stab each other in the back. How they have pet names for each other like “honey bear,” “sweet blindness,” “chicken britches” and “the Asian one.” How they’re all going to move to Vermont and get married. And how, once there, they'll set up a quaint B&B and make little chef babies out of arugula and broccoli.
The critics get all weepy over this show of camaraderie while strains of “The Wind Beneath My Wings” swell in the background. It’s a scene right out of the Jerry Lewis Telethon. All that’s missing are the telephone operators and an appearance by Mitzi Gaynor.
After the critics confer, the Masters come back in for their final scores.
Once the ratings are tabulated ...
Chef Jonathan earns a total of ... 20 stars.
Chef Roy earns a total of ... 15 stars. (Aloha, Roy.)
Chef Michael earns a total of ... 17 1/2 stars. (Michael is out.)
Chef Art earns a total of ... 22 stars. (Chef Pepperpot wins. ... Ugh.)
And ... here come the waterworks.
Sadly, there will be no finale, since the cast and crew drowned in a sea of oozing Art Smith tears. They shall be missed.
Next time on Top Chef Masters: The six winning Masters compete in the Champions Round for bragging rights. We count how many times one can say “there is no room for error.” And I suffer Chef Oprah for another week.
The fine folks at Bravo would like you to watch the show tonight.
And to makes sure you do, they've named it Trick In A Box. Really. (No word whether Justin Timberlake and his motherlovin' trick will make appearances.)
So, while you wait, check out these delicious previews of the show!
Top Chef Masters Episode: Bonsai Food July 15, 2009
Previously on Top Chef Masters: Four Masters made one-handed eggs. One screwed up royally and never recovered. In the magic-themed elimination challenge, an excellent chef showed how she can make all the personality in the room disappear. In the end, she won a spot in the finals.
Welcome back to another week of great cooking, great food and not a whole lot of charm with your Top Chef Masters! Competing this week are ...
Rick Moonen: Master chef of New York and Las Vegas. Specializes in seafood. This week’s designated dark-smock-wearer. Has ADD and will be distracted by shiny things. Playing for a fish conservation charity.
Nils Norén: The Swedish Chef. Known for his very human hands, bushy mustache, unfathomable accent and tendency to chase chickens around the kitchen with a cleaver. When he’s not bork-borking around, he plays in a Swedish reggae band. He’s playing for the Friends of the French Culinary Institute.
Lachlan M. Patterson: The obligatory young'un -with-something-to-prove of the bunch. As does everyone here, he has a boatload of cooking awards. From Boulder, Colorado. Specializes in Northern Italian cooking. As his child was in crisis at birth, he’s playing for the local children’s hospital in order to to thank them for their good deeds.
Michael Chiarello: The veteran back in the ring for another shot at greatness. From the Napa Valley. Hasn't been in a restaurant for some time. Oh, and he’s as hot as an oven. Yow. ... Jus’ sayin’. Playing for a local charity which helps underprivileged Latinos with health care.
NotPadma arrives to introduce the ...
Quickfire Challange
This week, the Masters will be competing in a challenge from back in Season One of Top Chef, wherein they must make a fine dining dish inspired by a specific junk food selection. In comes a cart covered in what most Americans call food. The Masters look upon it quizzically, not really sure what these items are.
After the usual knife block pick, the Masters, in turn, approach the table of crap and pick their inspirations.
Chef Michael the Sexy gets first pick and selects ... fish sticks and tartar sauce.
Chef Lachlan the Twink goes next and picks ... hot dogs.
Chef Rick is bothered his two top picks are taken, but settles for ... a corn dog.
And lastly, Chef Niels Bohr of Denmark picks ... fried shrimp.
NotPadma then reveals that the judges for this week’s Quickfire will be the cast of Bravo’s hit TV show Flipping Out. (Which was nice to see, since it could have just as easily been the cast of one of those dreadful RealHousewives shows.) The premise here is cross-promotion that Jeff Lewis and crew are always eating junk food on the show, which makes them experts. The fact that a whole new season of Flipping Out returns August 17, only on Bravo! has nothing to do with this.
The Masters get to cooking.
Chef Lachalan loves making sausage. Chef Rick is very focused ... until he sees a butterfly and forgets what he was doing. Chef Nils Lofgren figures that he’ll just make a high-end shrimp dish (which isn’t fried at all). And Chef Michael opts for making a curious fish meatball dish.
But as time ticks by, Chef Rick realizes that what with spending too much time assembling a bookcase, changing his oil and giving the camera crew mani-pedis, he’s run out of time to prepare his high-end corndog. As a result, when time runs out, he has absolutely nothing on his plates. Baaaaad move, Master.
They serve.
Up first is Chef Lachlan’s prosciutto stufado with pork sausage, or in lay terms, a fancy broth with sausage chunks. Other than there being sausage in it, nothing really suggests “hot dog.” And Jeff notices that the sausage is undercooked.
Next is Chef Michael’s swordfish meatballs with fisherman’s sauce. Jeff’s assistant, The New Adventures Of Old Christine, is excited by “anything fried.” She loves the three “perfect balls.” Being six years old, Jeff finds that lewdly funny. No word on how he reacted to the term “fisherman’s sauce.” The dish is a major hit.
Third out, comes Chef Nils of Greenland’s poached shrimp dish. Proving that they actually have taste buds, the diners notice that the shrimp doesn’t taste fried at all (because it wasn’t). The chef thinks it just went over the diners' heads.
And lastly, comes ... nothing. NotPadma reveals that the fourth chef didn’t finish and there is nothing more for them to judge. Jeff protests that the Masters had plenty of time and, had he known there was nothing else, he would have had more of Chef Michael’s Schweddy Balls.
Once they’re all done, the hostess reveals the scores.
Chef Lachlan earned ... 3 stars.
Chef Saab earned ... 3 stars.
Chef Rick earned ... 0 stars. (Yeah, that’s just sad.)
Chef Michael earned ... 4 1/2 stars.
Rather than end the episode there, NotPadma makes believe that anyone could still win this and introduces the ...
Elimination Challenge
For this challenge, the Masters will have to prepare a three-course meal for 100 guests all by themselves. After the chefs are collected off the floor, the spokestron reveals that the three courses are actually to be hors d'oeuvres, inspired by an appetizer, main course and a dessert.
The Masters head off to the Publix to shop for ingredients. Once there, the original lead singer of Roxette tells us he’s going to be using salmon, since he wants everyone to know he’s from the volcanic island of Jan Mayen.
Chef Rick is putting a lot of pressure on himself to pull off an upset win after his crushing misstep and is picking up some fish when he spies a hummingbird flying through the store and chases it out into the parking lot before forgetting what he was doing out there in the first place. He comes back in and buys some pretty flowers.
Back to the kitchen.
Chef “Waterloo, baby my Waterloo” now tells us he’s from the Arctic archipelago of Svalbard. And, as such, will be serving three different preparations of whale blubber.
Chef Michael reveals that one of his dishes will be “pissed off prawns.” We gather that this means they will be spicy, rather than freshly water-boarded.
Chef Rick is determined to resist the urge to assemble a model train set, fold origami swans and swim the English Channel and puts his head down long enough to actually prepare his dishes.
And Chef Lachlan gets the honor of being this week’s personality of wallpaper.
Day one ends and day two begins with the Masters coming back into the kitchen to make their last-minute adjustments before service. But the first order of business for Chef Michael will be to overcome the Curse of the GE™ Monogram appliances. It seems that the shitty appliances have screwed him over (as they have so many others). His cross to bear: the fridge did not adequately freeze his basil gelato.
Thankfully, youngster Chef Lachlan knows how to work some fancy kitchen contraption which magically reverses a sponsor product’s damage. (Oh, these kids and their gadgets, their long hair, big pants and rock and roll!)
With 30 minutes to go, the Masters head to their tables to set up. Since most of them aren’t accustomed to catering large events (particularly all by themselves), it’s curious to see how they manage.
Everyone scrambles mightily, except for Chef Dolph Lundgren who’s done most of his work the day before and gets to spend his spare time decorating his table with Ikea accents. (I believe the table unit is called the Äta Min Mat Bord. Allen wrenches, not included.)
The diners, one-hundred of Top Chef’s biggest fans (where was my invite?!) arrive along with the critics, Gael Green (from TV’s hit show Lidsville), Jay Raynor (Penn Jillette’s creepy British cousin) and Doctor Dillamond (a goat, and Shiz University's only animal professor).
Up first, the appetizer course.
Chef Michael has prepared a shaved Brussels sprouts and asparagus salad. The diners love it, as do the critics, though they don’t think it works very well standing up at a cocktail party.
Chef Lachlan offers up a fried pineapple wrapped in Richard Speck, lightly battered. Everyone finds it odd.
Chef Rick serves a ceviche dish with Opa-Locka and Coati Mundi. I wouldn’t think that a dish with those components would work, but it seems to be quite popular.
Chef Ace Of Base presents a scallop with smoked potato cream with curry oil. It’s very caviar-like.
Next, the main courses.
Chef Michael serves his “pissed off prawns” and a hot and spicy presentation to go with them. Everyone seems to like the shrimp, but the critics are very put off by the need to use a knife to cut the tail off the shrimp while standing at a table.
Chef Rick’s second course is a brandade of scallop and shrimp with a fennel salad. I have no idea what it is, but it’s so good it makes everyone weep.
Chef Lachlan offers his grilled short rib which (it seems) is to be eaten wrapped in a lettuce leaf. Gael The Red Chapeau loves it, though scary British guy thinks his was too salty.
Chef Dag Hammarskjöld’s second course is a slow-cooked salmon with napa cabbage with chorizo. Another hit. Plus, it looks beautiful too, with its concealed storage compartments, slide out tables and sleek, modern lines.
Lastly, it’s the dessert course.
Chef Lachlan serves a strawberry frangipane tart. The diners like it, but the critics think that since it vaguely looks like steak tartare, it also tastes like it. And that doesn’t scream dessert.
Chef Michael’s dessert, a basil gelato concoction, is very, very complicated and takes forever to put together. But with his sexy charm and dashing good looks, he easily convinces some female diners to help him put on the finishing touches. (Michael, call me. I’m in the book.) The diners swoon over the dish. And so do the critics, even Gael Headgear who started out saying that she’s not a fan of “grass clippings” in her dessert.
Chef Rick (who gives us our first “I’m not a pastry chef” of the season) presents a lemon panna cotta with ginger. The critics don’t know how he pulled off such a complicated dish under these circumstances. And the creepy Brit mutters something about panna cotta giggling like a a woman’s breasts. ... Aaaaaand there goes the appetite. But first ...
Chef Bergman must offer his dish, a chocolate goat cheese ganache with a sprinkling of socialized medicine and cara cara orange gel. This seems to be the one true dud with the diners and critics who think it’s way too smokey.
Later, at Critics Table, the nitpickers pick at the Masters’ nits. They enthuse over the successes and slam the dishes they disliked.
During the Q and A, we learn that Chef Nils is actually from Sweden and has been known to smoke things before.
And then come the scores. After consulting the Top Chef Masters GE™ Monogram Abacus, the results are in.
Chef Rick earns a total of ... 17 stars. (A tremendous comeback!)
Chef Lachlan earns a total of ... 15 1/2 stars. (Chef Viva Lachlan is out!)
Chef Nils earns a total of ... 17 stars. (A tie with Chef Rick!)
And Chef Michael earns a total of ... 19 1/2 stars! (Chef Michael wins!)
Chef Michael moves on to the Champions’ Round to compete against four other Masters and a Hubert Keller silhouette to be named later.
Tune in next week when ... a chef enters a supermarket for the first time in 30 years. And a queen needs a drink.
Top Chef Masters Episode Five: Ho, Ho, Ho, It's Magic July 8, 2009
Previously on Top Chef Masters: Cliff went on vacation. While he was out, four masters made food from cow parts and convinced folks at Knott's Berry Farm to eat them. A French guy cursed a whole lot and was only censored when he did so in English. And one more Master moved on to the apostrophe-less Champions Round.
Welcome back to another week where four really great chefs who have incredible skills are made to do really challenging work and create a show that is both foodie and reality-y. And welcome back to another week where they succeed greatly at the former and only marginally succeed at the latter.
Competing this week in our all-star math-is-required competition are ...
Douglas Rodriguez: Chef/proprietor of marvy establishments in Miami, Philadelphia and Scottsdale. As does everyone here, has a boatload of awards. Specializes in "tortilla-free" Latin American cuisine. (Which, being Cuban, is, well, pretty standard since Latin Caribbean food doesn't use tortillas in the first place.) Playing for a Hispanic culinary scholarship fund.
Anita Lo: From New York, chef and owner of a couple noted establishments in the city. More awards. Is considered to have an edge since she "works on the line" regularly, unlike the others. (Seriously. I only know what that means from watching these shows. Don't ask me to cook anything or you could be subject to food poisoning.) This episode's super-talented-but-entirely-lacking-in-TVQ chef. Playing for a breast and ovarian cancer charity.
John Besh: New Orleans master chef. Mega dreamboat. I don't care if he can cook. I don't care that he has a dozen awards. I kind of care that he fed hungry people after Hurricane Katrina. I just wanna watch him. Shoot me if that makes me shallow.
Mark Peel: Los Angeles master chef. Feels really strongly about this bloody, corpse-ridden blood feud between East Coast and West Coast chefs. (In case you didn't know, this is what really did in 2Pac and Biggie.) Cute in a quirky way, but am really distracted by the icky smoker's teeth. (Well, they're awfully yellow anyway.) This episode's dash of personality. Playing for Doctors Without Borders.
Quickfire Challenge
NotPadma arrives, again explains who the hell she is, again explains this whole "we're bringing back Quickfire Challenges from previous Top Chef seasons" and reveals that, this week, they'll have to cook a perfect egg ... with one hand behind their back. To judge the challenge will be the boobalicious Gail Simmons (since she sobs uncontrollably at the mere sight of a less than perfect egg), the world's most famous chicken rancher and the owner of a famed diner.
The chefs grab their single Arby's™ oven-mitts, place them on their non-cooking hand and start cooking. Chef Douglas is going for an arepa. Chef Mark is making egg noodles (which is really challenging with one mitt). Chef Anita is creating a small egg dish, served inside a hollow egg shell. And Chef John is making a slow-cooked (baked?) egg, which is something he says he does every day.
What we didn't know is that Chef Mark's father was born with one arm and the chef's been studying his every move just for this very occasion.
We get lots of shots of people dropping things, and otherwise working hard to overcome the handicap when Chef John falls victim to the dreaded Curse of the GE™ Monogram. He foolishly trusts that the oven will actually work and, too late, he discovers that it didn't. At all. He grabs one dish, sticks it on a burner and hopes for a miracle.
Time is called and Chef Mark is also mad that he wasn't able to do what he wanted done, being forced to present one dish without even wiping off the messy plate.
First up is Chef Douglas' arepa with scrambled egg. The critics like it.
Next is Chef Mark's egg noodles dish. They like it, are impressed at the one-handed pasta making, but think it's under-seasoned. Chef Mark then realizes he left off the olive oil and kicks himself.
Third is Chef Anita's soft scrambled egg with shitaake mushrooms. It's stellar.
Lastly is Chef John's sad little egg. The critics have to share the one dish and it's more than enough. We fully expect Gail to fall to the ground in a weeping fit over the raw-yet-burnt ovum.
Time to deliver the scores to the Masters. (Scores are out of five possible stars. Which will be added to the 20 possible stars in the elimination. Which will be divided by the square root of the imaginary unit and tabulated by the accounting team of Ernst & Young.)
Chef Mark's dish earns ... 3 1/2 stars.
Chef John's abortion earns ... 1/2 star. (The poor thing is grateful to have gotten that much.)
Chef Douglas' dish earns ... 3 stars.
Chef Anita's dish earns ... the maximum 5 stars!
OK, do they really have to do the elimination challenge now? I mean, is there a chance in hell Anita is going to screw up sooo badly that she could lose this thing and John could impress soooo wildly as to overtake her?
Well, I guess we do, since it's on to ...
Elimination Challenge
NotPadma explains that the Masters will be cooking for Gay Posterboy Of The Millenium, HIMYM (pronounced "HIM-yim") star Neil Patrick Harris and his posse of magician friends. (Read: His adorable beau and two noted magicians.)
She then introduces to the kitchen creepmaster extraordinaire, noted magician and star of VH-1's Celebracadabra (yes, I was the person who watched that mess), Max "I'll Haunt You In Your Nightmares" Maven.
Magic Max explains that there are four elements to any successful magic act, Surprise, Illusion, Spectacle and Mystery. He produces a pack of magic cards, has each Master pick one and, voila, they have been assigned a word which will serve as the inspiration for their respective dishes.
They are ...
Mystery: Chef Mark
Spectacle: Chef Douglas
Illusion: Chef Anita
Unbelievable Surprise If He Pulls This Off: Chef John
The Masters head off to the Winn-Dixie to collect their goods. Here, we learn that, using the word "mystery," Chef Mark is making a fish en papillote, or in a paper bag. Chef John is excited about using nitrous oxide (or liquid nitrogen, I get confused). Chef Douglas mutters something about the '60s rock band Canned Heat. And Chef Anita is the proposed target of a salt shaker-wielding saboteur Chef Mark. (It's that East Coast/West Coast, Cribs/Bloods thing again, you know.)
Once they get back to the kitchen we're treated to glorious photos of Chef John as a marine in full military gear ... and I get a new screen saver. (Thank you, Bravo.)
Otherwise, nothing of any note happens in the kitchen. So, in lieu of drama, we get more biographical footage of the chefs. Until ...
Tom-Around!
No, he's not a critic. And he's rather miffed that he won't get to eat the food. But he does go around and have the chefs explain what they're doing. It's not the slightest bit entertaining, but it is pleasant to see him chatting with his colleagues.
Tom-Around over!
Here is where we discover what is Chef Douglas' big secret. With "spectacle" as his word, he's setting fire to the coconut shells which will house one of his duck preparations. But since he can't find the high-octane (?) liquor which would be used for this kind of thing, he's smearing the shells, by hand, with pink Sterno™. It is not a pretty sight.
The Masters head off to the location of the challenge, Los Angeles' famed Magic Castle. (As before, see entry: Celebracadabra. Also: Wilson, Carnie.) They mutter the magic password, "Abra-abra-cadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya," and the bookcase opens to allow them entry.
They make it to the kitchen, where Chef John is pleased to find that, magically, these ovens work. He pulls out of his hat his wondernitrogen tank, which Chef Anita finds "awesome."
Chef Mark is ready five minutes before service and is nervous that his dish will continue to cook while he waits.
The guests arrive. The magicians and NPH (and his dear darlin') are joined by NotPadma; president of the Susquehanna Hat Company, critic Gael Greene; Petticoat Junction's Homer Bedloe; and our darling Gail Simmons. They all sit around the narrowest table in the universe and food is served.
First is Chef Mark's dish, which was inspired by VH1's The Pickup Artist, Mystery. It's a Thai snapper served en papillote. It's a surprise. And folks like it.
Next, is Chef John's dish, which is inspired by the word "surprise." The offering is a trio of seafood The wow factor is provided by a table-side preparation of an ultra-cold horseradish using liquid nitrogen, a pair of thermal gloves and a frozen-fingered Neil Patrick Harris. The whole thing causes brain freeze. (Something your gentle blogger has never experienced, by the way. I think it's a genetic mutation.)
Third, is Chef Anita's "illusion" inspired dish. Since I'm really culinarily challenged, I'm at a loss here. What I gather is that she's made what appears to be a scallop on a plate of sand, but is actually a bed of crackling rice crispies atop which sits a steak tartare hidden inside a braised daikon somethingerother. It looks cool, even if the "scallop" "bleeds" when you cut into it. It's a hit.
Lastly comes Chef Douglas and his "spectacle" of four duck preparations avec flaming coconut shell. The diners make quick calls to the Magic Castle's insurance carrier and dig in. Still, some are rightfully afraid that they'll go up faster than Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial. (Too soon?) Still, the food is enjoyable.
The diners rate the dishes and it's time for ...
Critics Table
We shall not be discussing the disgusting fakeout scene with a man making a bunny appear out of his hair. It's sickmaking.
The Masters appear before the apostrophe-loathing critics. And, since this is the dullest part of this entire show, we move to the results. After the Quickfire, diners' and critics' scores are totaled, things add up thusly:
Chef John ends up with a total of ... 12 stars.
Chef Mark ends up with a total of ... 18 1/2 stars. John is out. He may come to me for consolation.
Chef Douglas ends up with a total of ... 13 stars. Douglas is out. Hasta luego, compatriota.
Chef Anita ends up with a total of ... 22 1/2 stars. Mark is out. Anita wins and she moves on to the Champions Round to compete against the three already-chosen Masters and two other Hubert Keller silhouettes to be named later.
But it's Chef Anita's overwhelming response that is most memorable.
"I feel great about winning $10,000," she deadpans.
And that's what makes great television.
Next time on Top Chef Masters: Cook three-course meal for 100 people by yourself.
Top Chef Masters Episode Five: Ho, Ho, Ho, It's Magic July 8, 2009
Previously on Top Chef Masters: Cliff went on vacation. While he was out, four masters made food from cow parts and convinced folks at Knott's Berry Farm to eat them. A French guy cursed a whole lot and was only censored when he did so in English. And one more Master moved on to the apostrophe-less Champions Round.
Welcome back to another week where four really great chefs who have incredible skills are made to do really challenging work and create a show that is both foodie and reality-y. And welcome back to another week where they succeed greatly at the former and only marginally succeed at the latter.
Competing this week in our all-star math-is-required competition are ...
Douglas Rodriguez: Chef/proprietor of marvy establishments in Miami, Philadelphia and Scottsdale. As does everyone here, has a boatload of awards. Specializes in "tortilla-free" Latin American cuisine. (Which, being Cuban, is, well, pretty standard since Latin Caribbean food doesn't use tortillas in the first place.) Playing for a Hispanic culinary scholarship fund.
Anita Lo: From New York, chef and owner of a couple noted establishments in the city. More awards. Is considered to have an edge since she "works on the line" regularly, unlike the others. (Seriously. I only know what that means from watching these shows. Don't ask me to cook anything or you could be subject to food poisoning.) This episode's super-talented-but-entirely-lacking-in-TVQ chef. Playing for a breast and ovarian cancer charity.
John Besh: New Orleans master chef. Mega dreamboat. I don't care if he can cook. I don't care that he has a dozen awards. I kind of care that he fed hungry people after Hurricane Katrina. I just wanna watch him. Shoot me if that makes me shallow.
Mark Peel: Los Angeles master chef. Feels really strongly about this bloody, corpse-ridden blood feud between East Coast and West Coast chefs. (In case you didn't know, this is what really did in 2Pac and Biggie.) Cute in a quirky way, but am really distracted by the icky smoker's teeth. (Well, they're awfully yellow anyway.) This episode's dash of personality. Playing for Doctor's Without Borders.
Quickfire Challenge
NotPadma arrives, again explains who the hell she is, again explains this whole "we're bringing back Quickfire Challenges from previous Top Chef seasons" and reveals that, this week, they'll have to cook a perfect egg ... with one hand behind their back. To judge the challenge will be the boobalicious Gail Simmons, since she sobs uncontrollably at the mere sight of a less than perfect egg, the world's most famous chicken rancher and the owner of a famed diner.
The chefs grab their single Arby's™ oven-mitts, place them on their non-cooking hand and start cooking. Chef Douglas is going for an arepa. Chef Mark is making egg noodles (which is really challenging with one mitt). Chef Anita is creating a small egg dish, served inside a hollow egg shell. And Chef John is making a slow-cooked (baked?) egg, which is something he says he does every day.
What we didn't know is that Chef Mark's father was born with one arm and the chef's been studying his every move just for this very occasion.
We get lots of cuts shots of people dropping things, and otherwise working hard to overcome the handicap when Chef John falls victim to the dreaded Curse of the GE™ Monogram. He foolishly trusts that the oven will actually work and, too late, he discovers that it didn't. At all. He grabs one dish, sticks it on a burner and hopes for a miracle.
Time is called and Chef Mark is also mad that he wasn't able to do what he wanted done, being forced to present one dish without even wiping off the messy plate.
First up is Chef Douglas' arepa with scrambled egg. The critics like it.
Next is Chef Mark's egg noodles dish. They like it, are impressed at the one-handed pasta making, but think it's under-seasoned. Chef Mark then realizes he left off the olive oil and kicks himself.
Third is Chef Anita's soft scrambled egg with shitaake mushrooms. It's stellar.
Lastly is Chef John's sad little egg. The critics have to share the one dish and it's more than enough. We fully expect Gail to fall to the ground in a weeping fit over the raw-yet-burnt ovum.
Time to deliver the scores to the Masters. (Scores are out of five possible stars. Which will be added to the 20 possible stars in the elimination. Which will be divided by the square root of the imaginary unit and tabulated by the accounting team of Ernst & Young.)
Chef Mark's dish earns ... 3 1/2 stars.
Chef John's abortion earns ... 1/2 star. (The poor thing is grateful to have gotten that much.)
Chef Douglas' dish earns ... 3 stars.
Chef Anita's dish earns ... the maximum 5 stars!
OK, do they really have to do the elimination challenge now? I mean, is there a chance in hell Anita is going to screw up sooo badly that she could lose this thing and John could impress soooo wildly as to overtake her?
Well, I guess we do, since it's on to ...
Elimination Challenge
NotPadma explains that the Masters will be cooking for Gay Posterboy Of The Millenium, HYMYM (pronounced "HIM-yim") star Neil Patrick Harris and his posse of magician friends. (Read: His adorable beau and two noted magicians.)
She then introduces to the kitchen creepmaster extraordinaire, noted magician and star of VH-1's Celebracadabra (yes, I was the person who watched that mess), Max "I'll Haunt You In Your Nightmares" Maven.
Magic Max explains that there are four elements to any successful magic act, Surprise, Illusion, Spectable and Mystery. He produces a pack of magic cards, has the Masters pick one and, voila, they have been each assigned a word which will serve as the inspiration for their respective dishes.
They are ...
Mystery: Chef Mark
Spectacle: Chef Douglas
Illusion: Chef Anita
Unbelievable Surprise If He Pulls This Off: Chef John
The Masters head off to the Winn-Dixie to collect their goods. Here, we learn that, using the word "mystery," Chef Mark is making a fish en papillote, or in a paper bag. Chef John is excited about using nitrous oxide (or liquid nitrogen, I get confused). Chef Douglas mutters something about the '60s rock band Canned Heat. And Chef Anita is the proposed target of a salt shaker-wielding saboteur Chef Mark. (It's that East Coast/West Coast, Cribs/Bloods thing again, you know.)
Once they get back to the kitchen we're treated to glorious photos of Chef John as a marine in full military gear ... and I get a new screen saver. (Thank you, Bravo.)
Otherwise, nothing of any note happens in the kitchen. So, in lieu of drama, we get more biographical footage of the chefs. Until ...
Tom-Around!
No, he's not a critic. And he's rather miffed that he won't get to eat the food. But he does go around and have the chefs explain what they're doing. It's not the slightest bit entertaining, but it is pleasant to see him chatting with his colleagues.
Tom-Around over!
Here is where we discover what is Chef Douglas' big secret. With "spectacle" as his word, he's setting fire to the coconut shells which will house one of his duck preparations. But since he can't find the high-octane (?) liquor which would be used for this kind of thing, he's smearing the shells, by hand, with pink Sterno™. It is not a pretty sight.
The Masters head off to the location of the challenge, Los Angeles' famed Magic Castle. (As before, see entry: Celebracadabra. Also: Wilson, Carnie.) They mutter the magic password, "Abra-abra-cadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya," and the bookcase opens to allow them entry.
They make it to the kitchen, where Chef John is pleased to find that, magically, these ovens work. He pulls out of his hat his wondernitrogen tank, which Chef Anita finds "awesome."
Chef Mark is ready five minutes before service and is nervous that his dish will continue to cook while he waits.
The guests arrive. The magicians and NPH (and his dear darlin') are joined by NotPadma; president of the Susquehanna Hat Company, critic Gael Greene; Petticoat Junction's Homer Bedloe; and our darling Gail Simmons. They all sit around the narrowest table in the universe and food is served.
First is Chef Mark's dish, which was inspired by VH1's The Pickup Artist, Mystery. It's a Thai snapper served en papillote. It's a surprise. And folks like it.
Next, is Chef John's dish, which is inspired by the word "surprise." The offering is a trio of seafood The wow factor is provided by a table-side preparation of an ultra-cold horseradish using liquid nitrogen, a pair of thermal gloves and a frozen-fingered Neil Patrick Harris. The whole thing causes brain freeze. (Something your gentle blogger has never experienced, by the way. I think it's a genetic mutation.)
Third, is Chef Anita's "illusion" inspired dish. Since I'm really culinarily challenged, I'm at a loss here. What I gather is that she's made what appears to be a scallop on a plate of sand, but is actually a bed of crackling rice crispies atop which sits a steak tartare hidden inside a braised daikon somethingerother. It looks cool, even if the "scallop" "bleeds" when you cut into it. It's a hit.
Lastly comes Chef Douglas and his "spectacle" of four duck preparations avec flaming coconut shell. The diners make quick calls to the Magic Castle's insurance carrier and dig in. Still, some are rightfully afraid that they'll go up faster than Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial. (Too soon?) Still, the food is enjoyable.
The diners rate the dishes and it's time for ...
Critics Table
We shall not be discussing the disgusting fakeout scene with a man making a bunny appear out of his hair. It's sickmaking.
The Masters appear before the apostrophe-loathing critics. And, since this is the dullest part of this entire show, we move to the results. After the Quickfire, diners' and critics' scores are totaled, things add up thusly:
Chef John ends up with a total of ... 12 stars.
Chef Mark ends up with a total of ... 18 1/2 stars. John is out. He may come to me for consolation.
Chef Douglas ends up with a total of ... 13 stars. Douglas is out. Hasta luego, compatriota.
Chef Anita ends up with a total of ... 22 1/2 stars. Mark is out. Anita wins and she moves on to the Champions Round to compete against the three already-chosen Masters and two other Hubert Keller silhouettes to be named later.
But it's Chef Anita's overwhelming response that is most memorable.
"I feel great about winning $10,000," she deadpans.
And that's what makes great television.
Next time on Top Chef Masters: Cook three-course meal for 100 people by yourself.
Top Chef Masters
First is Chef Mark's dish, which was inspired by 
