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Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: She’s Dressing For Three Now
August 27, 2009
Previously on Project Runway: We braced ourselves as Project Runway made the transition to the network of feisty women fighting off their abusive husbands. And while we were prepared for an attack of the Meredith Baxters, we were blindsided by an attack of the Lindsay Lohan. In the end, a Samantha Ronson look-alike was sent packing by the judges for making a shiny baked potato dress that the firecrotch found “inappropriate.”
Morning! And now it’s time for the ordained, “Oh, now that so-and-so’s gone, I’m aware this is a competition” moment. I assume we’ve all placed bets on who gets to deliver the line this week.
Althea (“The Midwestern Girl”): “It definitely is a wake-up call that Ari’s gone. I didn’t think she was gonna go home and it definitely woke everyone up, like, can’t slack on any challenge.”
Althea? Did anyone have Althea? If so, come down and collect your American Apparel bag o’ scraps!
Later, while Logan (“The Token Straight Guy”) gets something to eat, we see that Malvin (“The Loon”) eats breakfast standing up against the wall, wrapped in the drapes, with only his mohawk’ed head sticking out. What? It’s conceptual! You’re just not smart enough to understand!
And before everyone heads off to the set, the guys sit around and discuss how Mitchell (“The Puck”) will now be famous for having sent a naked model down the runway. (See last challenge.)
Moments later, we’re on the runway …
(And here is what we don’t see: On the episode of Models of the Runway last week, we got to see that, as with the first season or two, this year there will be a full button-bag-assisted model pick each week. As a result, while most designers kept their models, some switched. And, in the end, Ari’s redheaded model was saved, but the model who bravely walked nearly nude for Mitchell was eliminated.)
Back to what we do get to see. Heidi congratulates Christopher (“The Amish Beard”) for winning the last challenge and tells him he has immunity this week. Then, she explains this week’s challenge. The designers will be creating an outfit for an actual celebrity. Heidi cleverly describes the celeb as a woman who is a model and a TV star, which, naturally, makes everyone think they’ll be designing too-short skirts for her.
Psych! … As if Heidi would wear something down the red carpet that some Project Runway contestant made! (See entry, Heidi Screws Over Season One Winner Jay McCarroll On The Red Carpet.)
Nope, the star is … (former) Ugly Betty featured he/she, Rebecca Romijn-NotStamos-But-Not-Adding-O’Connell-So-As-To-Not-Have-To-Snip-A-Hyphen-Again. And, she is “with child.” Or rather, “with litter.” (That Jerry O’Connell sperm must be mighty potent.)
After the two models bond over their blonde-ness, height and natural fertility, Heidi explains that the designers are to create a “pregnancy chic” outfit for Rebecca which can be for any occasion. Nicolas (“The Unfortunate Hair”) curses and freaks, since he’s never been in the room with a pregnant woman before.
The designers walk back into the workroom and see that by their dress forms are rather large pregnancy pillows which are to be tied to the forms. All but one of the designers spend the next half-hour trying to figure out where on the body the baby bump goes. The young women are convinced it goes on the front while the gay guys think it just HAS to be on the back. Logan just looks the other way, since babies scare him.
Ra’mon (“The Misplaced Apostrophe”) thinks the size of the belly suggests a woman in her “second semester,” since it smells strongly of Algebra 102.
Finally, Gordana (“The Slav”) has to clear this up for everyone, since she’s the only one who’s actually been through childbirth. (I could make a joke here about having seen other women go through it, too, before their babies were taken away by gypsies. But that would be wrong.)
Tim arrives. He mentions that the design is to be form-fitting, and that the winner will get immunity next week. They get thirty minutes to sketch.
Malvin explains to us that, having been through the last challenge, he now has a perfect handle on things. He now knows that the judges want to see a combination of function with complete lunacy. And he has a plan to deliver just that.
Once sketching time is up, Tim takes them to Mood to shop.
Go! Go! Go!
While at Mood, we hear Shirin (“The Convertible Coat Cutie”) is planning to, well, make something with a coat.
Qrystil (“The Problem Speller”) provides our the season’s first running gag by again running through Mood, panicked that she won’t get what she needs in time.
Time’s up! Thank you, Mood!
Back in the workroom, Ra’mon notes that most of the other designers are opting for drape-y, goddess-y dresses. And, since he was urged to “step it up” last week, he’s going to be daring and try for something tailored and fitted instead. Let’s see how that works out.
Louise (“This Year’s Retro Chick”), naturally, is doing a ‘20s-inspired negligee-looking dress. Meanwhile, Malvin clucks that his concept will be, well, a high-concept involving fertility, a mother hen, a nest and an oversized egg.
Hurry-up footage!
After various nanoseconds of looking at other designers, we land on Mitchell. He’s worried that he could make the same sheer fabric mistake again this week. So, to be on he safe side, he’s lining his casual wear outfit with t-shirt material. This should ensure he stays out of the bottom two this week.
Oh, and he’s making some “cute” shorts to go with the outfit. They’ll sit low on the model, have an elastic “belly band” … and will be big enough to have two designers stand in them at once.
But it’s the t-shirt material that will save him.
Day One ends and suddenly it’s wake-up time on Day Two.
After some brief chit-chat, it’s back to the workroom for more sewing.
Gordana is happy that, overnight, her mental block has been broken. Mitchell breaks a needle. And Ra’mon expounds on how he’s playing with perspective, sewing what he may think is the equivalent of slimming racing stripes into the dress.
Tim arrives for his “talk to me”s.
First stop, Althea. He asks her to explain her gown and she says it some sort of day look. The sort of daytime luncheon one would attend wearing a dress with a train. Stunned, the mentor suggests she give up that line of thought, since it’s clearly an elegant evening gown. (Really. How can one be the dress’s creator and not see that?)
Next, Louise. Tim likes her dress, but is concerned it looks like a nightie.
Mitchell next gets Tim’s “talk to me.” They discuss the t-shirt material and Tim’s glad that this time the model’s nipples will not appear on national television.
Over to Shirin. He loves the braiding detail on her dress. And he loves the idea of adding a jacket, but insists it be the “right” jacket.
And then there’s Malvin. This week’s whack job expounds on his maternal avian concept, complete with a feather mimicking a hand cradling the “egg” that is the belly. And as the cherry on top, he wants to add jodhpurs so as to give his model “chicken thighs.”
I wish I was making this up.
Tim is flabbergasted at the ludicrous concept. “What woman wants her thighs to look bigger?” he asks. Still, he says the design is “very interesting,” adding that he’s “not bored.”
Personally, I wouldn’t be bored by a root canal either, but I wouldn’t want to experience one.
Last, Tim heads over to Ra’mon and his purple, color-blocked, tailored dress-thing. Tim acknowledges that the designer wants to “celebrate” the pregnancy, but suggests he’s giving it “a fanfare.” He advises Ra’mon to not “be safe,” but to get there without “being cuckoo.”
Somewhere a German clock starts ticking.
After Tim’s visit, we see some designers altering their looks based on his feedback. Louise is adding more layers to her dress to mitigate the nightgown look. And Malvin looks inward towards his inner Colonel Sanders for inspiration.
Over at Ra’mon’s station, Mitchell pays a visit to school his friend in the fine art of Sarc 101 (or, would that be Backhanded Compliments 301, I can never tell). He says the design looks “cute,” adding casually, “Your bowling bag looks good.”
A look of shocked awareness hits Ra’mon’s face. “What?!”
“It’s looks a little bit like a bowling ball bag,” Mitchell says under his breath. “It looks good. You’ll probably win. … It looks really good.”
“I have to go. I have to leave the room.”
As Ra’mon runs from the room aghast at what he has made, Mitchell continues his clever undermining strategy saying that it looks a lot better from far away.
“No, it looks good. … It looks very (pause) streamlined.”
Ra’mon collapses.
Mission accomplished! Mitchell really should go on Big Brother. … No, that’s good! He would win. … He’d do really well.
Tim arrives to send in the models for fittings. And in seconds, America gets to see a bunch of gay guys get a bunch of models pregnant.
Since no one really gives a crap about the models, how one has a two-year old kid, how Johnny (“This Week’s Invisible Designer”) can teach his model how to walk and such, we’ll skip ahead.
Now it’s time for Moments In Cross-Designer Smack-Talk!
Qrystil thinks the jacket on Johnny’s dress is outdated. Nicolas thinks a bunch of the other dresses are neither fitted nor chic.
Cross-Designer Smack Talk over!
And, with that, Day Two is done.
The next morning, we check in with the boys over breakfast. Malvin seems to have commiserated with his Egg McMuffin and is now having second thoughts about his cholesterol-enriched design.
We see Qrystil scramble out the door. (Did we mention this would be a running gag?) And it’s back to the workroom.
In the last minutes, we see Mitchell worried that his shorts aren’t coming together, Ra’mon channel Christian Siriano, stealing his tired “hot mess” line. And when Logan pounds a grommet into something, someone summons up the spirit of Leatha Stella.
Tim sends in the models. (Again. We don’t care about the models. Skip.)
Scurry, scurry, scurry! Malvin makes a pun about the other designers not “having cracked the egg, so to speak.” Aaaaand … time!
To the Runway!
Heidi comes out, recaps the challenge and introduces the judges. This week, we have Nina (now of “Mary Claire” Magazine, as Heidi pronounces it), and, sitting in for Michael Kors (who is off getting re-oranged), is a third experienced mommy, guest judge, fashion designer Monique Lhullier. And, of course, the client, the TV-star-way-back-when-this-was-filmed Rebecca Romijn.
Why, it’s a regular hen party!
Now, on with the show!
- Logan’s Outfit: A sporty fitted dress over cropped leggings. Cute. (Though I had no idea his model was insane! … Tune in next week for details.)
- Shirin’s Outfit: A lovely scarlet, sleeveless dress with a braided detail about the top end of the belly. She’s paired it with an elegant long coat with a lovely, patterned lining.
- Nicolas’ Outfit: A cute, black cocktail dress which happens to have a pregnancy belly. The skirt is short and quite tight, though, and it rides up as the model walks the runway.
- Christopher’s Outfit: Another cute number. A plum-colored, asymmetrical, flow-y top over black, cropped leggings.
- Mitchell’s Outfit: An exceedingly casual number. She appears to be wearing a white, torn wife-beater with an oatmeal-colored sweater over the most poorly sewn shorts ever made. I imagine this is what a pregnant Amy Winehouse would look like.
- Qrystil’s Outfit: A drape-y coral-colored dress with a darker panel at the bottom. Pretty. But the pregnancy factor is incidental.
- Epperson’s Outfit: (Epperson, incidentally, is one of the designers on this show.) He’s made what looks like a variation on Björk’s famous swan gown. Only without the swan and the feathers. Wait. That’s a coat. Underneath is a Lauren Hutton-in-American Gigolo, satin halter-top jump suit. With a pregnant belly.
- Louise’s Outfit: Red. Shiny. Pretty. But really looks like lingerie. The perfect outfit in which to shoplift items out of Victoria’s Secret.
- Gordana’s Outfit: Navy blue (or is it indigo?). A short, pretty, flow-y dress paired with a more gray sweater and leggings. Nice. Next.
- Johnny’s Outfit: Elegant day dress. Black with a nice piping detail. I could totally see this on Rodeo Drive. And the pregnancy part is neither avoided or overly enhanced. (Note: previously scorned jacket is not worn.)
- Malvin’s Omelette: What appears to be a feather-accessorized black leotard is highlighted by a eggshell white baby sling about the midsection. Some would suggest it’s a Baby Björn. I think it’s more akin to the baby-carry-alls I see worn by Liberian women waiting at the international check-in line at the airport.
- Ra’mon’s Gutter Ball: Indeed. It looks like the woman’s wearing a bowling ball bag. But the color blocking made me think it was made from the remains of the Eastern Airlines first class lounge, circa 1978. Oh, and rather than making the woman look like she’s pregnant, it makes her look like she has some kind of massive tumor instead.
- Carol Hannah’s Outfit: (Yes, Carol Hannah is also a designer on this show.) Nice dress.Teal (?) on the bottom. Metallic grey mini-jacket on top. Next.
- Althea’s Outfit: Elegant black evening gown. The only problem is that I’m afraid that what passes for boobs on this model may pop out any moment.
- Irina’s Outfit: (Damn! There are still too many designers!!) Lovely sky blue dress with a pretty baby blue satin detail about the hem and waist. One of the “pregnancy element is incidental” outfits.
Finally, we get though the parade and Heidi sends the middle-of-the-pack to safety. Once that’s done, we’re left with the tops and bottoms as …
Althea, Malvin, Mitchell, Louise, Shirin and Ra’mon.
I think I have a handle on who’s a top and who’s a bottom.
They bring out the models and the questioning begins.
Ra’mon goes first. The judges find it sloppy, think the design is “too confusing” and draws arrows toward the baby.
Next is Louise. Rebecca thinks it looks like lingerie, but would wear it out on a date with her husband-of-the-moment.
Althea says she imagined herself pregnant and (wisely) has decided to sell it as an evening gown. And her sales job works. The guest judge does notice that the boobs are only barely covered.
And then there’s Malvin. He goes on about a “mother hen” and a “precious” egg. He proudly points out the feather detail. Nina says that she rather likes the black aspect, but the eggshell white sling is disturbing.
When Mitchell gets the third degree, the judges slam his shorts and say the model looks like “a pregnant mess.”
Finally, they question Shirin and they are all crazy about her braiding detail, the multi-layered hem and the elegant coat. They think she should get into making maternity wear, something she has never done before.
They send the designers away.
While they discuss, Rebecca uses the words “bowling ball bag” more than once to describe Ra’mon’s mess. And, while they can see SOME (trashy) women wearing Mitchell’s sloppy get-up, Heidi thinks the shorts look like something she could have sewn herself.
And then there’s Malvin. They all agree that they got the concept. A bizarre concept.
As for the best, they thought Shirin’s was the most wearable. They loved the back of Althea’s gown. And Louise’s day/nightie gets mixed reviews.
They call the designers back out.
(Commercial! … Hey! Why the fuck do they think I would be the least bit interested in seeing some half-baked sitcom starring that homophobic flat-earther from The View? … Idiots.)
Louise is in. She leaves the runway.
Now for the winner.
Congratulations ... Shirin! (Yea!!)
Althea is in. She heads back, too.
Ra’mon is in. He heaves a sigh of relief and leaves the runway.
Heidi shames Malvin and Mitchell, Malvin for his “bizarre” outfit and Mitchell for his “sloppy” offering.
Malvin … you’re out.
Mitchell … you are hanging by a thread. (No. Wait. Isn’t that the line...? Where am I getting this from?)
As he heads back to say goodbye, Malvin The Martian thinks that he’s being sent home because he’s a “philosopher” who is “too conceptual for America.”
For some reason, in my mind, this evokes a design involving a tin-foil hat.
Next time on Project Runway: The designers will be working in teams of two … Save, Delete or Restart?
Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Proposition Ate
August 26, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: 101 Chefs descended on Las Vegas for a rip-roaring orgy of feathers, showgirls and lucky poker chips, which will be occasionally interrupted for trips to the Get Your Own Damn Health Care™ Market, the local tattoo parlor and some light cooking. In the end, one overly inked lady was sent packing for making a stuffed pepper that looked like Great Dane droppings.
Credits!
Seeing them for the first time, we see that the Powers That Be have created a curious approach to having two pairs of chefs with the same first name. As such, we have (Douchebag) Mike and (BrotherChef) Michael and (Disappeared) Jen and (Favorite) Jennifer.
Morning After Footage!
As it has been written in the Book of Elimination Shows in ancient Sanskrit, we are required to check in with our contestants so they can express shock and dismay that someone was sent home, and amazement that “this is a competition.”
Chef Jesse (“Chef Ink-N-Steel”) is worried that she was in the bottom three last time. Also, if she cries again, she's scared she may rust up like the Tin Man.
Similarly Chef Eve (“The bAt-Am Dweller”) is concerned about her performance. She wonders if she should cook badly-prepared food that she likes or ineptly made things she that thinks the judges will like. Decisions, decisions. She decides to go "Al-out" and do her best and see where that takes her.
Now, let’s check in with our sibling rivalry storyline with Chef BrotherMichael (“The Edgy One”) and Chef BrotherBryan (“The Conservative One”). Still brothers? Yep. Both in the competition? Yep. … Moving on.
Quickfire Challenge
The chefs arrive at the Super 8 Motel Resort and Casino™ where they are met by this week’s Incongruous Las Vegas Cliché In A Kitchen: A craps table.
Behind it are Padma and this week’s guest judge, dashing chef/restaurateur Todd English. I am aware of this because I can read the on-screen credits.
Chef Kevin (“Chef InkyBear”) recognizes him instantly and couldn’t imagine anyone not doing so. Chef Jennifer (“Chef 'Making Boys Cry' Since ’99”) notices that Sir Todd is hot.
Padma explains the challenge. The chefs will have to roll the dice and whatever number they roll will determine the number of ingredients (aside from salt, pepper and oil) they can use to make their quickie dish.
One by one, the chefs step up to the table. As they do so, they tell us that they wouldn’t want to be limited to only two ingredients, but would be equally freaked out if they had to use twelve. Also, as with last week’s Quickfire, this is a prize-earning challenge, with the winner receiving $15,000, courtesy of the Super 8 Motel Resort and Casino™.
Since there are still so many chefs, we only get a sampling of what they do here. Basically, no one gets either gets a twelve or a two. Kevin and Eve have to work with higher numbers of ingredients, while Chef Laurine (“Chef Who, Again?”) has to make something with only three items.
They'll have thirty minutes. Go!
Eve is making a salad with A-sparagus as one of her many items. BrotherMichael is making a liquid nitrogen-assisted, cloud-producing gazpacho with his eight ingredients. And BrotherBryan thinks he’d rather stick with more traditional techniques.
(Wow. What a rivalry! It’s a wonder these two don’t kill each other overnight!)
Jennifer’s making salmon with her nine items, while Jesse’s preparing scallops. But, too late, she realizes she picked the wrong pan and won’t be able to get a sear on her seafood without adding an extra ingredient.
Hands up! Utensils down!
Time to taste. Laurine’s three-ingredient soup is deemed “interesting.” Chef Mattin (“Chef 'What Does A Red Hankie Mean Again?'”) tries to flirt with Padma by way of cleaver word play, (“I make ‘4’ you too!”) and gets an eye-roll from Chef DoucheMike (who clearly called dibs on the Pad').
Todd tastes Eve’s dish and also calls it “interesting.” When he gets to BrotherMichael’s nitro gazpacho, he calls it a “great twist on a tradition.” Kevin gets props. And Chef Ashley (“This Year’s Team Rainbow Co-Chair”) presents her lamb with moustarda and air quotes.
Todd delivers his verdict. The least favorite dishes were Eve’s A-sparagus salad, Jesse’s mushy-on-mushy scallops and BrotherBryan’s cod.
As for the favorites, he singles out BrotherMichael’s gazpacho, Kevin’s multi-item dish with a perfect egg and Jennifer’s “flavors really hit me right in the face” salmon. (Now we know how she makes those boys cry.)
And the winner of the incentivized poker chip? … Brother Michael! (Yeah! In your face, Bryan! Wooo!)
Elimination Challenge
And now it’s time for our next Vegas cliché! The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party!
Woo hoo.
Ashley mirrors my enthusiasm for this when she comes right out and comes out to us. As I would, she’s feeling a tinge irked that she’s going to have to participate in this ritual while at the same time knowing that she herself would not be allowed to marry the person of her choosing. (Unfortunately, as it goes with these things, this complaint will be repeated ad nauseum via the editing process, so much so that it seems whiney.)
“And,” Padma adds, “we’ve decided to make it a Battle of the Sexes!”
Double woo hoo.
The chefs are then divided by genitalia and informed that their two teams will be cooking for their opposite sex clients … as it has been ordained under God’s Law™. The winning team will receive immunity and a chef from the losing team will be going home.
The bachelor and bachelorette enter the kitchen bearing trays of alcohol shots which are to be paired with the dishes at the parties. (Speaking for myself, I get a tad nauseous here, since the mere thought of shots of liquor make me gag more than even the idea of bachelor/bachelorette parties.) The chef teams will have to pair at least two dishes with each of three flavored shots.
The couple explains that these are their “three favorite” shots. (Mom? What were your and Dad’s favorite shots? … On second thought, never mind.) One shot is something called a Moscow Mule, the second is straight tequila and the third is something else called a Golden Delicious. …
…
…
…
Sorry, had to go puke. Thanks for holding my hair. Now, back to our show.
The teams have ten minutes to meet with the future divorcees to plan their meals.
While this happens, Chef Ash (“The Unfortunate Name”) explains that the Moscow Mule is some gingery concoction, the tequila is, well, tequila, and the Golden Delicious is some sort of sweet ick-ness.
The bachelorette explains that she’s a “pescetarian,” which means she’s a vegetarian who just can’t see her way to eschewing seafood. She does add that most of her friends do eat meat, but one is vegan … which should make the couple’s backyard cookouts delightfully fractious in years to come.
On the other side of the kitchen the vaginas question the bachelor. Eve asks him what he W-A-nts. He is not a “pescatarian.” (Note to self: Send shipment of Omaha Steaks as wedding present, set the hidden cameras on “record” and then watch the hilarity ensue.)
Once the consults are over, it’s off to the “I Got Mine; Screw You” Market for shopping. Absolutely nothing interesting happens here.
Well, except for the moment where Ash is put in charge of flowers for the event, since gay guys are supposed to know about those things.
Back in the kitchen, Jesse goes back to being worried. BrotherMichael goes back to his blood feud with BrotherBryan. And Chef Hector (“Cooking Been Berry, Berry Good To Me”) is making a tofu ceviche to pair with the tequila chot.
Taking a moment’s break from hocking loogies at each other, BrotherMichael explains that he’s making a sorbet version of the Golden Delicious shot while BrotherBryan will be offering a “very unique” guacamole meringue. (Indeed. I have seen dishes that were one-of-a-kind, but that truly seems so much more one-of-a-kind.)
Suddenly, we see that Ashley is conferring with Jesse. (Cue the ominous percussion.) Ashely sees that she has time left and will waste it put it to use by also making a second dish, a bay leaf panna cotta. Jennifer, who actually has a brain, suggests that the time would be better spent perfecting her one dish.
But Ashley will have none of it and forges ahead with her plan. She says she wants to really please her customer. (She should know better than to pick this moment to make a first attempt at pleasing a man.)
As the time runs out on the day, Hector is scrambling and we are led to believe that the men are far less together than the women. DoucheyMike says something douchey about this. And then they head back to Casa Cuisine for some much needed rest.
Once there, we continue our gay marriage ban storyline with Ashley and Chef Preeti (“Chef Lesbonicurry”) commiserating about this whole inequality thing.
“I find it beyond comprehension, making us go do, like, effectively, a wedding challenge when, like, at least three of us (emphasis mine) in this challenge aren’t allowed in that institution.”
(At least three? I wonder who she could possibly be talking about? … As if it wasn’t obvious.)
Ashley acknowledges that, being in Vegas, she knew a wedding thing was going to come up. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Preeti, who has been with her partner for 12 years, is more bothered that this isn’t bothering her quite as much as it is Ashley.
No joke there. It’s just fascinating to see gay folks interacting with each other on national television about this. It’s not something you ever see. And that, in and of itself, is refreshing.
After the break, we see the chefs arriving poolside for the parties. They ooh and ah about how luxurious the setting is. But what’s most curious is that it’s most clearly not NOT like any bachelor/bachelorette parties I’ve ever been forced to witness from the next table at a restaurant or the apartment across the hall heard about. Not only are there no strippers, but, most importantly, the dual parties are separated by only a small hotel pool.
(Look, Bravo, if you’re going to force us to deal with the sturm und drang of this whole cliché, have the balls to actually deliver on it, OK? What we got was a poolside engagement party with penises to the left and vaginas to the right.)
The chefs have one hour to set up and they’re held up by BrotherMichael and BrotherBryan engaging in horseplay, punctuated by a steady round of “Mom! Make him stop!” and “Nah, nah, nah! I’m not touching you!!”
As time runs out Preeti mentions that she grabbed some leaves of some kind to use as a plate garnish for her eggplant serving. She thinks they look “awesome.”
Eve, meanwhile, is worried about the lack of flavor in her shrimp dish. The vinaigrette is n-A-t penetrating the shrimp and this is concerning.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Time’s up!
The guests arrive. Ashley reminds us that she’s gay. And the dining commences.
On the men’s side, Mattin (who is so Frooonch) is bothered that he doesn’t have the time to flirt with all the ladies. And then the judges, Padma, Tom, Gail and Todd, arrive.
They approach the women’s team first.
Paired with the Golden Not-Delicious shot are …
Chef Robin (“Chef 'Not In This Episode'”) and her duck mole and Laurine with a lamb chop.
Paired with the tequila shots are …
Eve and her unflavored shrimp with A-vocado ceviche with chili s-AL-sa and Jennifer with her still-mispronounced octopus “ceveech.”
The judges taste these all. They find Eve’s dish “nasty” (which, oddly enough, is actually appropriate for a bachelor party). Laurine’s and Robin’s dishes are praised.
Back at the tables, we hear a bachelor party guest who really sets off the gaydar. And when someone compliments Robin’s dish, she find that simply “awesome.”
Next are a few other chefs. Since Ashley did two dishes, we see them both here. One, a watermelon carpaccio, is paired with the tequila shot. The other, paired with the Moscow Mule, is a panna cotta.
Also paired with the Moscow Mule (gag) is Preeti and her coriander and sesame crusted tuna with spicy eggplant on a dried out, wilted leaf.
And then there’s Jesse, who, in a brave attempt to ward off recruitment into the “at least three”-member Team Rainbow, is now wearing a flower in her hair. With this shot, she’s paired a Thai chicken lettuce cup.
The judges taste these. They find Jesse’s dish to be messy and complicated. They really hate Preeti’s sad leaf. And while they like Ashley’s carpaccio, they really don’t like her dessert.
Then it’s time for the men’s team.
Paired with the Golden Delicious we have …
BrotherMichael’s apple sorbet with a goat cheese cookie and Kevin’s chilled almond soup with king crab.
The judges taste. They love Kevin’s dish, but really love BrotherMichael’s.
Paired with the tequila shot we have four different dishes …
DoucheyMike with his assholey arctic char, BrotherBryan with a novel sweet and sour macaroon filled with guacamole, Chef Ron (“CheFlotilla”) and his lobster cocktail and Hector’s tofu ceviche.
The judges love Hector’s tasty tofu ceviche concept. They’re not crazy about Ron’s lobster or DoucheyMike’s “flabby” char. They really do love BrotherBryan’s play on chips and guacamole, though.
Finally, paired with the Moscow Mule we have …
Chef Eli (“Chef Sorry-We-Didn’t-See-You-This-Week”) and his tuna tartare, Mattin’s bouillabaisse and Ash’s previously unseen Asian chicken wing.
Tasting. Eli’s tartare is a hit. Mattin’s dish gets mixed reviews. And Ash’s under-the-radar dish is also praised.
As the event winds down, some of the male chefs think this would be a good moment to act a fool, get half naked and cannonball into the pool. Naturally, with the exception of Mattin (who’s still mad that he couldn’t hit on the ladies all day), the boys are the ones you least want to see half undressed.
Even the straight girls think they’d rather not see that. (And, as much as a crush on him as I have, I’m proud of my Ash for not participating in that nonsense.)
Fakeout Scene!
Back at Casa Cuisine, we see DoucheyMike is the king of bad nicknames. In fact, he’s come up with what could be the world’s stupidest nicknames for his colleagues.
Fakeout Scene over!
Next, we’re back in the Stewed Room where Ashley provides us with our first “it is what it is” of the season. DoucheyMike asks her if she’s “bringing home the gold.” Jesse references Michael Phelps ...
And speaking of potheads, here comes Padma now!
She calls up BrotherBryan, Eli, Hector and BrotherMichael.
Judges’ Table
If it wasn’t totally obvious already, Padma informs the men that they were the winning team and that these four had the judges’ four favorite dishes.
The judges lavish praise on all four dishes and remind us that Hector likes to cook with his Puerto Rican testicles, something Tom thinks he achieved with his offering. But when it comes down to it, Gail says, this was a Battle Of The Brothers.
But they can’t be bothered to actually notice this, since they’re busy engaging in a noogie war in the back end of the kitchen. Once the fight is broken up, Padma announces that the winner of the challenge is … BrotherBryan!
They head back to the Stewed Room and call up … Eve, Jesse, Preeti and Ashley.
Padma tells them that they had the least favorite dishes. The questioning begins.
Jesse’s dish is criticized. They ask why she didn’t add ginger to her dish, yet chose to muddle it with ginger beer. This actually leads to tears from MetallicaMary and a nationwide wail of, “Crying!? There’s no crying in cooking!”
Eve talks about what she w-A-nted out of her dish. She didn’t get it. And she really doesn’t seem to have a clue as to how to deliver a tasty one. Clearly frustrated, Tom takes his head in his hand with a look of “How did this chick even get cast?” on his face.
Preeti’s wilted leaf is the next topic of discussion. And her contention that the leaves discombobulated as quickly as they did is greeted with a certain degree of cynicism. And Ashley gets raked over the coals for making a second so-so dish which detracted from her first, good one.
During the judges’ discussion of Ashley’s panna cotta, my head begins to explode as they begin to go into great detail about “tannins” and other chef-y things that my poor little microwave meal-eating noggin’ can’t fathom. (This is why I don’t cook. … OK, it’s one reason I don’t cook.)
The four are sent back so the judges can repeat everything they said before and so Preeti can tell the others how the diners found her dish “awesome.”
The four are called back in.
After a brief review …
“Eve, please pack your knives and go.”
“So I realize I’m n-A-t going to be named the T-A-p Chef,” she says.
No kidding? Wh-A-t gave you that impression?
Next time on Top Chef: The chefs will have to prepare a meal for 300 airmen. Cans are involved.
Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: Welcome To Lifetime!
August 21, 2009
Aaaaaand we’re back.
Yes, Project Runway is back. We’re not "hanging by a thread" and we’re not going, "Buh-bye, darling." ... But there is the ever-present fear that Valerie Bertinelli or Nancy McKeon will pop up somewhere trying to escape their abusive husbands or such. So we must be very, very watchful.
Oh, and we’re in Los Angeles now, so keep an eye out for coked-up, vajayjay-flashing, car-crashing former starlets. They can invade a show in mere seconds ‘round these parts.
Now, on with the show!
The new batch of designers begin appearing at the Not-Atlas. They are ...
- Ra'mon-Lawrence, 30 (Chicago): Designated sassy black guy. Must be a brilliant designer and really brave since he gave up studying neurosurgery to become a designer. OK, either brave or reckless.
- Logan Neitzel, 26 (Seattle): The ponytail. Looks like he could be a refugee from The Hills. Or maybe he’s just drunk. Too soon to tell.
- Johnny Sakalis, 30 (Los Angeles): The “story.” Tried out for the show three times before but didn’t make it because he was a meth addict. Now clean and sober, will try to keep it together long enough to survive at least the first challenge.
- Gordana Gelhausen, 45 (Charleston, S.C.): Originally from the former Yugoslavia. I wasn’t aware there was this whole trend of designers leaving emerging nations and populating the American South. (See entry, Korto Momolu.)
- Malvin Vien, 24 (Brooklyn): This Year’s Androgyne. Asymmetric hair. Stuns no one when he says he likes to mix the masculine and the feminine.
- Carol Hannah Whitfield, 24 (Charleston, S.C.): The Pixie. Actually remembers Gordana from back home when she gave the younger designer a place to sell her wares. Gets an unfortunate edit when she talks about how people don’t associate being blonde and from the South with being smart ... and then stumbles over her next line.
- Qristyl Frazier, 42 (Brooklyn): I instantly think I’ll be loving this woman. Doesn’t say she specializes in “plus-sized” models, but it looks like she does. We only hope she sticks around long enough for the requisite “real woman” challenge.
- Shirin Askari, 24 (Richardson, Tex.): Her name means “sweet” in Farsi. Beyond adorable, she looks like she may live up to her name. She likes to make clothes that turn into other things. Should do well in the “Transformers” challenge.
- Nicolas Putvinski, 27 (New York): Bills himself as the “feather prince.” Winner of the Worst Hair Award. Reminds me too much of Suede. I quickly go hunting for my TV Brick.
- Mitchell Hall, 26 (Savannah): The Recent Grad. Cute little gayboy with tons of book-learnin’. But will technique be enough to win?
- Rodney Epperson, 50 (New York): Goes by simply Epperson. The Senior of the bunch. Ten feet tall and skinny with long cornrows. Soft-spoken. Stuns the younger designers showing pictures of his kids which are older than they are.
- Christopher Straub, 30 (Shakopee, Minn.): The Fish-Out-Of-Water. Also, The Self-Taught One. Overcame a lot to be here. Hopes he can compete without the fashion school know-how of some of the others.
- Ari Fish, 26 (Kansas City): The Designer From Alpha Centauri. She talks to her fabric and asks it what it wants. Wants to make clothes that double as tents with water purification systems inside. (I wish I was making that up.) Is likely trailed closely by a team of men in white coats with a large butterfly net.
- Althea Harper, 24 (Dayton, Ohio): Blonde. Pretty. Looking to leave the Midwest for the big city lights.
- Irina Shabayeva, 27 (New York): Uses her toy poodle for inspiration. The puppy doesn’t seem quite so into it. Looks a bit too much like Shirin. It will be tough telling them apart.
- Louise Black, 32 (Dallas): I’m willing to bet money that this isn’t her real name, since she has gone out of her way to look like ‘20s actress Louise Brooks. Mentions that ‘20s, ‘30s and ‘40s movie star fashions are her inspiration. It shows.
The designers get their HeidiGram and head off to the roof to meet Tim and the soon-to-be-re-impregnated Heidi. Tim explains that, now that they’re in L.A., they’ll be working out of the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising or FIoDaM, which is really too many letters).
They finish their drinks and Tim sends them back downstairs to get some rest before the morning’s trip to the location of their first challenge. (Alas, all that time spent examining how the apartment’s curtains would look as evening wear has clearly gone to waste.)
In the morning, the designers are all stressed. None more so than Johnny, who tells us his stomach is in knots. (Foreshadowing!)
Before you know it, the designers are in front of the NotShrine Auditorium, on the red carpet. It’s the morning of last fall’s Emmy awards. And Tim tells them that, since this is L.A., home of the red carpet (more foreshadowing!), they will have to create an evening gown which is red carpet-ready. (He notes that this could be for any such event, the Oscars™, the Emmys™, the VMAs™ ... or the AVN Awards™, we presume.) The dress is to represent innovation and the designer’s point-of-view.
Everyone cheers ... and it’s off to the workroom to sketch.
Tim tells the designers that they have each been assigned a model and they each have a card with (what’s supposed to be) their model’s measurements.
Ari From Another Planet seems impressed that her model has “big feet like me!”
“Yeah,” Tim responds flatly.
They get 30 minutes to sketch.
Christopher sketches what appears to be a lovely gown on a Bratz doll. Malvin says he doesn’t differentiate between different colored carpets, earning my first eye roll of the season. And Ari Of The Crab Nebula says she doesn’t sketch. She takes the time to walk like a robot and do a hand stand for inspiration. (Again, I wish I was making this up.)
Time’s up, and it’s time to go-go-go to Mood West!
Ari says she’s making something bulbous. Mitchell says he loves pressure. And Qristyl freaks out that she’s going to have to cut her own fabric if she’s going to get what she needs in time.
Thank you, Mood!
Back at the workroom, the designers get crackin’. There, though, Johnny starts to melt down. Immediately, he questions his design and thinks to start over.
Elsewhere, Mitchell says he’s “smocking” something on his gown. Poor Christopher, not having gone to fashion school doesn’t know what that is and feels bad about that.
Cut back to Johnny and we see he’s now abandoned his second idea and is considering scrapping that and going back to his first idea. He tells us that the addiction thing is really in play here and he is in real need of his support structure about now.
Finally, he heads off to the lobby to freak out and cry. It’s actually very sad.
Epperson tries to talk to him, but it doesn’t do the trick. Already Johnny is thinking about quitting.
Finally, SuperTim arrives to console and counsel Johnny. He gives the designer one of his patented pep talks and talks him through his big cry. A bit later, after we’ve dried our eyes, SuperTim has done his job and Johnny cheers up and heads back to the workroom.
Never underestimate the power of a good “make it work.”
Carol Hannah seems to be working on something delightful and quite complicated. Malvin, meanwhile, is proud that his is indescribable.
The day ends, which someone finds “awesome.” And before we know it, it’s the next morning.
Johnny is now optimistic. And back in the workroom, we continue the storyline of Christopher not knowing about many of these fancy techniques and feeling bad about that.
Tim arrives for his “talk to me”s.
First, he stops by Christopher’s table. He rather likes what the designer has, but is worried that not styled correctly, it could go terribly wrong.
He next visits Ari of The Thetans to inquire about her “geodesic dome.” She doesn’t understand the basic question of “what is this going to look like?” Once described, he thinks it’s going to look like a “halter diaper.”
Tim worries that Ra’mon’s gown will have too much of the “big butt” factor and only appeal to the Sir Mix-A-Lotts of the Red Carpet. And when he checks in on Mitchell, we see that he’s made a heavily contoured gown with a bit too much of an Elizabethan/Victorian feel.
Over at Qristyl’s table, she’s having some trouble. She says she’s switched from the Oscars™ to the Emmys™ for some reason. She thinks it’s dramatic. So does Tim. But when asked if it’s dramatic “in a good way,” he stares at it in silence for a looooong time. Not a good sign.
Tim sends the models in for their fittings. And here, Mitchell gets his booby prize. It seems the measurements he got for his model are way off. And since he has a very complex, very body-contoured gown, he’s totally screwed. All he can salvage is the gown’s collar.
The models leave and the designers have four hours left to “make it work.”
Next, it’s the morning of the runway show. And after a brief stop for chat and cereal, the designers are back at work.
But Mitchell is the most stressed, seeing as he has no dress. All he has is a very, very, very sheer fabric to attach to his fancy collar. The others put it simply: He’s going to be sending a nude model down the runway. I’m scared.
The models arrive. Hair! Makeup! (And XenuAri decides to jump in and rat-tease her model’s hair herself.)
Time’s up! Off to the show!
We’re on the runway and out pops the ever-out-popping Heidi to introduce our judges, Michael Kors (the one who says, “Hey guys.”), Nina Garcia (the one who says, “Hi, everyone.”) and our guest judge ...
The Red Carpet herself ... Lindsanity Lohan!
(To be said in raspy, Brenda Vaccaro voice.) "It’s Lindsay."
On with the show!
- Althea’s gown: Silvery evening gown. Achieves its stated intent of having an old Hollywood glamour look. Elegant and pretty.
- Gordana’s gown: Looks more like a cocktail dress to me. Has curious geometric boxes about the bust for visual interest. Nice, though.
- Malvin’s gown: Pretty, but looks like elegant daywear rather than red carpet. Must be that whole not-discriminating-between-red-carpet-and-low-pile-berber-shag thing.
- Mitchell’s not-a-gown gown: Well, the collar’s nice. Beyond that, she’s basically covered in see-though panty-hose fabric. I imagine the producers went to great lengths to make sure she had very thick undergarments on under there.
- Louise’s gown: As expected, very retro-inspired. Would work beautifully in glorious black-and-white. But, as the designer notes, the two-toned color scheme washes out under the lights and looks like grey on also-grey.
- Christopher’s gown: Young and sexy, the dress has a very textured top part over a flow-y lower third. The only problem is that the bottom part’s color is drab enough to look dirty (in an unwashed way, not in Lindsey Lohan way).
- Ra’mon’s gown: A lovely deep purple red carpet dress. Has a surprising lack of apostrophes.
- Shirin’s gown: Pretty, elegant. But, again, looks more elegant cocktail than red carpet. Still, it does have some kind of multi-purpose shrug which I gather is her trademark.
- Epperson’s gown: Dark brown and VERY dramatic evening gown, mostly owing to a large gathering of fabric about the neck and shoulder.
- Irina’s gown: To my mind, exactly what one would see on the red carpet. Flow-y, cream colored and featuring a rather long train. I imagine the whole “this is exactly what is expected” thing could work against her.
- Ari’s gown: A top with no bottom. (There are actually hot pants there.) I’ll say now what Michael Kors says during the judging since it’s what I thought too: “Disco soccer ball.” Still, in a way, I could see some wacked-out rocker chick wearing this to the VMAs. Not that it makes it any better.
- Johnny’s gown: Long, lovely and with a plunging neckline and interesting silhouette. It’s very, very red, though. And that’s a tad distracting.
- Carole Hannah’s gown: Exceptionally detailed. Visually interesting. And different. Was my pick for the win.
- Qristyl’s gown: Purple on the left side and featuring a very busy purple and green print on the left. Looks like two dresses sewn together. The designer’s miffed that the judges were too busy taking notes to look at the dress’s dramatic back.
- Logan’s gown: (Damn. It looks like we’ve found another hat-fetishist designer.) The dress is silver and black and long and totally unremarkable.
- Nicholas' gown: Black and really short. Our top candidate for the AVN™ awards. ‘Nuff said.
Heidi lines up the designers and sends off everyone but ...
Johnny, Ari, Qristyl, Ra’mon, Mitchell and Christopher.
The Inquisition
Qristyl’s clearly on the bottom. She mentions that she could see Miley Cyrus in this dress. (And I can too. This is actually why it’s not very good.)
Christopher’s obviously a favorite. He says it’s for the VMAs™. I see it. As I thought, they like it, but the color on the bottom is problematic. Kors calls it both “cute” and “edgy.”
Ra’mon’s dress is praised, but is considered a tad “safe,” which is always a bad sign on Project Runway.
Then we get to BarbarellAri. She says her dress is for the VMAs™ of 2080. And for accepting the Nobel Peace Prize at the same time. (Again. Not making this up. ... And I can’t top that.)
Lindsay then provides us with our Soup™ moment of the week when she lectures the designer that she has to be aware about what’s “acceptable and appropriate” ... before she heads offstage to do another line, flash her cooch and engage in a high-speed car chase before passing out behind the wheel.
Johnny’s dress is then praised greatly. The only complaint is the color. The fire-crotch-red is a bit much. Most of the judges think it would be just perfect in black.
Finally, they address Mitchell and his naked model. He mentions the whole bad-model-info thing. The judges respond with some nonsense about models always lying about their measurements. (Personally, I call bullshit on this, since there was obviously no way he could start all over to make that detailed garment from scratch without new fabric.)
At least, Nina realizes that the “dress’s” attitude suggests that the designer could, under the right circumstances, make something interesting.
They send the designers away so they can talk behind their backs. They like Johnny’s and Christopher’s dresses. They wonder if maybe they’re just not smart enough to enter Ari’s addled world.
Once they’re done, they call the designers back.
First for the winners:
Johnny ... is safe.
Christopher ... is the winner and gets immunity in the next challenge! (Tears!)
Ra’mon ... is safe.
Now for the losers:
Qristyl ... is safe.
Leaving Ari and Mitchell as the last two standing. Heidi offers her Teutonic tongue-lashing and tells Ari something about “it’s one thing to aim outside the of box and another thing to miss it completely.”
All this talk about boxes makes Lindsay perk up.
Heidi turns her steely gaze to Mitchell and says some bullshit about “no excuses.”
“Mitchell .. you are in. You can leave the runway.
“That means, Ari, you are out. Auf’wiedersehen”
Ari packs up her oxygen tanks, fabric samples and Tang for her long flight home.
Next week on Project Runway: The designers create a look for an “actual celebrity.” Malvin sees a future in chicken thighs. Johnny makes an old-fashioned jacket. And, again, Mitchell’s request for more pressure is fulfilled.
Top Chef MastersEpisode: The Actual Finale
August 19, 2009
Previously on Top Chef Masters: Lots of super chefs were narrowed down to three, Chefs Hubert Keller (French super-chef), Michael Chiorello (Italian super-chef -- and hot, hot tempered dude) and Rick Bayless (not-actually-Mexican, Mexican super-chef).
OK, I debated and debated with myself. And in the end I had me. Yes, I need to have a life and not develop a huge peptic ulcer over having to blog Top Chef, Top Chef Masters, and Project Runway in the amount of time I usually allow for one of these. Hence, what you see here is an express review, written in between trips to the pharmacy for refills on nervous pills.
Act One: The Chefs reflect on how far they came. They're gathered in front of a TV screen. A twist? A Quickfire? No!It's video greetings from their three sous chefs back home. How nice.
Aaaaaaand, cue the sous chefs walking into the kitchen! (And I heave a sigh of relief that load-o-pork-fat Art Smith isn't back to inflict himself on me.) Whew!
Elimination Challenge
The chefs will have to create a super dinner in three dishes. One shall reflect the chef's first food memory not associated with mammary glands. One shall reflect the moment they decided to dedicate themselves to cooking. One shall represent when they opened their first restaurant. And one shall reflect where they are now and where they see themselves in the future.
Hubert reminisces about being a wee French DJ in Frenchy Frenchlandia. He talks about how the Monday was laundry day and how this translates to stew or something. He pictures that in the future everyone who wants fillet mignon will have to settle for beef cheeks, what with the recession and all. (Trust me, he makes it make sense.)
Michael goes on about being a storyteller. And how he worked in a Miami multi-ethnic restauant once. And how burning grape vine clippings adds atmosphere to the kitchen.
And Rick talks about Mexico some more.
During our Fakeout Scene, we see that the fact that The Critic From The Frank Capra Flicks has had it in for Michael is not lost on the Italian-American Master. As such, he's flambéing pages of the critic's magazine to use as doilies for one of the dishes. (Myself, I'd like to flambé the critic, but there's that whole "it's illegal to roast someone on an open flame -- unless it's at Guantanamo" thing. What can you do?)
Finally, when the meals are all served, we see that the critics are joined by the winners of each of the previous seasons of Top Chef (and Hosea and Ilan, too) as well as Tom, Padma and Gail from the regular show.
Each of the Masters presents his dishes and, by and large, they are huge hits. But, as you'd expect, each Master has one dish which, for one reason or another, is considered less than perfect.
Finally, it's time for ...
Critics Table
There, the critics gush over each of the dishes and mention each chef's one slight misstep.
First, they rate Hubert's dishes. He gets high marks.
Next, they rate Michael's. He would get the highest marks if the pencil-necked geek critic didn't clearly hate him so much. Still, it's higher than Hubert's score.
Finally, Rick's dishes get scored and he wins the whole shooting match and the title of ... Top Chef Master!
Rah. They're all great. The mistakes are so very minor that it shows why this show was just not nearly as interesting as the regular Top Chef.
Thankfully, that's back now.
Now, off to take more nervous pills so I can face doing a Project Runway blog next, not to mention dealing with the concept of actually watching Lifetime.
Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Waking Up In Vegas
August 19, 2009
Well, here we go. ... Watch as your gentle blogger completely loses his mind as a supersized debut of the sixth season of Top Chef comes right before .... the finale of Top Chef Masters. Which comes before the debut of the sixth season of Project Runway ... which is accompanied by an All-Stars Project Runway challenge and a Models of Project Runway hoo hah.
And now you know why I’m greying faster than Obama over the past nine months.
Top Chef is back! And this time they’re in ... one of my most un-favorite cities ever, Las Vegas.
(Don’t get me wrong. The shows can be fun. The food can be extravagantly great. And there’s the Liberace Museum, too. But if you can’t stand gambling and REALLY can’t stand cigarette smoke, it’s NOT for you.)
This season we have a whopping 17 chefs starting out in the competition with a skill level (we are led to believe) far beyond previous seasons. And this year, we’re changing out some flavors, trading the previous years’ tired fauxhawks for ... tattoos! Lots and lots of tattoos.
This year, we’ll see more megastar chefs judging the dishes, more product placement than ever before and crazy twists inspired by the 12 obligatory Las Vegas clichés! The winner will get the big check, a lifetime supply of Rubbermaid™ products and, instead of being saddled with a kitchen of crappy GE™ Monogram appliances, they’ll be able to buy a ton of actual working ones from Gimbel’s™.
So, let’s meet meet our inky cheftestants!
- Michael Isabella, 34 (Washington, D.C.): Originally a South Jersey boy. Billed as “‘Rising Culinary Star’ Nominee.” Will be filling the stick role of douchebaggy, sexist, cocky asshole. Inky 1.
- Kevin Gillespie, 26 (Atlanta): Billed as “‘James Beard’ Nominee.” Super chef. Burly with an untamed beard. Looks like Sebastian Cabot if Sebastian Cabot were running a Tilt-A-Whirl. So brave he actually quit M.I.T., where he had a full scholarship, to become a chef. Inky 2.
- Jennifer Carroll, 33 (Philadelphia): Steely-eyed female chef with something to prove to the men. Bona fides: Chef de Cuisine under überchef Eric Ripert. Says she’s made “boys cry.” Looking forward to seeing her do that here. (Curiously, someone assumed she was a pastry chef, which struck me as a tad sexist. No?)
- Robin Leventhal, 43 (Seattle): Our first heart-tugger. Tough dame who battled cancer and can take you down too. The last fauxhawk of the season.
- Ash Fulk, 29 (New York City): This year’s gay and my new lust object. Mentions he’s the gay one before the credits even roll. Mentions he has a boyfriend. (Lucky boyfriend.) Still working on making him my new screen saver.
- Michael Voltaggio, 30 (Los Angeles): Originally from Frederick, Md. Michelin Star recipient. Inky 3. will be fulfilling the how-will-a-preexisting-relationship-hold-up-to-a-reality-show-competition clause, since he will be competing against ...
- Bryan Voltaggio, 33 (Urbana, Md.): “James Beard” nominee. Michael’s older brother. And the one who stayed near home. Along with little brother, will be fulfilling my other fantasy. (Don’t ask.)
- Eli Kirshtein, 25 (Atlanta): Executive Chef of some grand restaurant which is likely located on some street named after a peach tree. (And friend of TC’s Chef Richard Blais.) The first one cursing. Gets bleeped in the first 60 seconds of the show. Chairman of the Fat-N-Proud club.
- Preeti Mistry, 33 (San Francisco): Androgyne #1. Is an Executive Chef back home. I’m just going to assume she’s a lesbian because my inner Kris Williamson is tingling. (Long story.) Probably gets tired of Cou-gays hitting on her, thinking she’s a teenage boy.
- Ron Duprat, 40 (Hollywood, Fla.): Originally from Haiti. A big hulk of a man. Comes off as the giant-who’s-candy-sweet-on-the-inside. Should Robin falter, will step in as the official heart-tugger, as he has a heartbreaking tale of coming to America on a leaky raft. Lou Dobbs' most un-favorite chef.
- Eve Aronoff, 40 (Ann Arbor, Mich.): The doe-eyed innocent. Is actually surprised that there aren’t other chefs here from Michigan. (??) Seems overwhelmed by big city lights and palm trees. ... I don’t give her too long.
- Mattin Noblia, 29 (San Francisco): Originally from France. Filling the role of The Cheftestant Who Needs Subtitles. Cute as a bug. Wears an odd red kerchief about his neck which the other chefs think makes him look like he just came from running with the bulls in Pamplona. I think he may have escaped from the film Ratatouille, since he does have that Pixar look about him.
- Jesse Sandlin, 30: (Baltimore): Inky 3/Spiky 1. The obligatory “I’m not formally trained” chef. Has a nasty habit of poking metal spikes though parts of her face, leaving me to wonder if the taste of silver in one’s mouth affects your sense of taste for food. (Incidentally, when did the masculine/feminine spellings of this name switch? Here we have a female “Jesse” while on Big Brother there’s a male “Jessie.” Personally, I blame Rick Springfield.)
- Jennifer Zavala, 33 (Philadelphia): Inky 4. Super-Inky, even. She’s even tattooed her throat. The designated “I’m competing for my kid” contestant. We see the cute kid in a picture from home. Strangely, the child hast yet to get his first tribal tattoo.
- Ashley Merriman, 32 (Seattle): Androgyne #2. Originally from New Hampshire. Between the name and the look, I’d be hard pressed to pick a gender without hearing the voice. ... Ah, there’s the voice. Girl! Got it! Thanks.
- Laurine Wickett Hope, 38 (San Francisco): The designated caterer contestant. We meet her and then assume we’ll see her again the week she’s eliminated. (So long for now.)
- Hector Santiago, 41 (Atlanta): My Puerto Rican compatriota. Inky 5. Another giant. With a big ponytail and goatee, looks like the bad guy from every episode of Miami Vice.
The chefs each arrive at the Desert Dessert Ranch, bags in tow, and introduce themselves. As they ask where each of them are from, Ash thinks it’s “awesome” that two of the chefs are from Maryland. This is because he’s driven through Maryland.
(Sorry, I don’t care. He’s still adorable.)
The ladies unpack. (Jennifer Z., though is feeling superstitious and doesn’t unpack her clothes.) The gents get to know each other. And we get to see the brothers interact and everyone react to the news that they’ll have actual bros and not just “bromance” around this season.
We also learn that the three Atlanta chefs (Hector, Eli and Kevin) know each other from their restaurants all being very close to each others and that the two Michaels (the douchy one and the brotherly one) have worked together in the past.
The horde arrives at the brand new, luxurious Red Roof Inn™ Resort and Casino where they are greeted by their sponsor and are led to their mega-kitchen. There, they are greeted by Tom and (Actually)Padma.
Padma warns the chefs that the kitchen has been decked out with the newest GE™ Monogram equipment, so they better watch out for ovens that don’t heat up, refrigerators that don’t cool down and all manner of surprises!
Quickfire Challenge
Tom and Padma reveal that this season, rather than “surprise” the chefs by making them cook unexpectedly on a rooftop, garden or garage with found objects, they’re actually going to surprise by having them perform the Mis En Place Relay Race (which normally happens later in the season).
And, speaking of surprises, let’s introduce our first Vegas cliché! An incongruous row of dancing showgirls in headdresses, fresh from the Folies Bergère! Padma then pulls out a top hat filled with poker chips from which each chef will have to pick. The color of the chip will determine the teams.
Oooh, twisty! Screw the knife block, we’re in Vegas, baby!
And there’s one more twist! Since there are 17 chefs, and there are four teams, one chef will be left out. That chef is ... Robin, who pulls the gold chip.
She earns falls ass-backwards into getting a free pass from the Quickfire and immunity in the Elimination Challenge. (Huh? How’s this fair?)
For the relay, the chefs will have to, in turn, shuck 15 clams, peel 30 prawns, clean up five lobsters and butcher two chops from a huge prime rib.
The teams are:
- Team Green: Laurine, Ron, Ash, Jen Z.
- Team Blue: Jennifer C., Bryan, Jesse, Mattin
- Team Black: Mike I., Ashley, Hector, Eli
- Team Red: Kevin, Preeti, Eve, Michael V.
They get two minutes to determine which team member gets which task. The only drama here is when we learn that Preeti has never opened a clam before in her life (insert lesbian joke here) and, by default, has been handed this job. (This should work out nicely.) She asks Kevin if it’s the same as opening an oyster. He says it’s different. But now it’s too late; that’s the job she has.
The race starts ... now!
This whole thing goes so fast (and these faces are so new) it’s really hard to tell what’s happening.
Basically, Preeti spends all day and the bulk of the summer trying to pry open one clam. DouchyMike can’t believe that Jen C. (a girl!) is almost as fast as he is. Jen Z. slices her hands open and bleeds over everything.
And in the end, it’s Team Blue over Team Black by a nose, due to Mattin’s speedy lobster work and Ashley’s slowness with the same critters.
But it ain’t over yet. Now, the four chefs of Team Blue will have to compete against each other in a cook-off. They will each have to prepare a dish using the ingredient they just prepared. And the winner get immunity a round piece of colored plastic entitling them to $15,000 courtesy of the Red Roof Inn™ Resort & Casino.
Robin, who has immunity, is given the opportunity to trade in her from-the-heavens gift for what’s behind door number two, a chance to compete for the poker chip. Wisely, she keeps what’s in the box and declines the zonker. DickheadMike thinks this shows that the “old lady” is “not confident in her skills.” (Did we mention he’s a dickhead?)
The challenge rather scares poor Jess(i)e, who’s never worked worked with prawns before. She’s going to try to make a (prawns) and grits dish, since that’s the first thing that came to mind.
Scurry!
Bryan works on something quick for his steak. Mattin is confident he’ll pull out a great lobster dish. And Jennifer C. wants to make a clam “ce-VEECH,” confounding everyone in the audience who would think that it’s actually a ceviche (ce-VEECH-eh). (Maybe fancy French chefs have a different pronunciation. What do I know?)
Time’s up!
Tom and Padma silently sample the four dishes (and don’t react to Jennifer C.’s odd pronunciation). We see Bryan and Jennifer C. worry that their dishes aren’t as complete as they’d like (which normally means that they win).
Tom declares that all four of the dishes were outstanding and is hard-pressed to pick a winner. As the least-good of the four, he singles out Bryan’s steak and Mattin’s lobster. And as the best, he picks Jennifer C.’s ceviche and Jesse’s (prawns)-n-grits. He’d like to declare a tie, but in the end he declares the winner to be ... Jennifer C.! (Enjoy your poker chip!)
We imagine DickheadMike is dumbfounded that a girl knows how to turn on an oven, much less win this challenge, and if he had been in it he would have smacked her down but good.
Elimination Challenge
For this challenge, the members of each team will be competing against each other in a head-to-head-to-head-to-head challenge. They will each have to make a dish inspired by our second Las Vegas cliché, Sin City. Yes, they will have to make a dish that stays in Vegas and reeks of Marlboros!
No. Wait. It’s actually something about picking their greatest flaw, or sin, or vice, or weakness, or just something that happened to them once and make a dish inspired by that. Got that?
From each crew, one chef will be eligible for the win and one will be eligible for elimination. Since Robin sat out the Quickfire, she gets to pick a team to cook alongside for no apparent reason. Wanting to be with winners, she picks Team Blue. OK then. See you next week, Robin!
Tom then announces that this week’s guest judge will be pioneer celebrity chef and frozen pizza maker, Wolfgang Puck. (Oooh, Wolfie! I reheat your microwave meals all the time! I’m enamored by your inventive use of reflective microwave-safe plastics!)
Fakeout Scene!
Back at the Desert Dessert Depot, Kevin wants to slosh down a water slide into the tiny pool. No one seems crazy about seeing him shirtless. He does it. And suddenly Top Chef turns into BearFest 2009.
Fakeout Scene Over!
The chefs arrive at the Who-Needs-Health-Care-Anyway Mart™ for supplies. Nothing really important happens there, save for a reminder that in three of the past five seasons the winner of the first Elimination Challenge has won the whole shooting match.
Oh, and Ron fills us in on the touching tale about how he spent 27 days at sea trying to get to America and how the refugees went overboard to catch fish in order to survive. (And this is a vice, how exactly? ... Oh, wait, Lou Dobbs just said something. Carry on.)
The chefs arrive at Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant, Slice (or Dice or something like that) and are astounded at its cleanliness. (I arch my eyebrows in curiosity at that remark.) And my adorable Ash joins the odd pronunciation squad when he seems to think the Palazzo is pronounced PAL-a-so instead of pal-AH-zo.
So, in between the shopping and the cooking, we learn that ...
Jennifer Z.’s vice is her hot temper. So she’s planning a chile relleno using something called seitan (or Satan), which I gather is a form of wheat gluten ... from hell.
Kevin’s theme is procrastination, so he’ll be making Arctic char, taking the imaginative approach of slowly cooking things that are normally done quickly and quickly cooking things that are normally done slowly. (This is sure to impress people who know how to cook, I assume.)
Preeti’s one of several chefs who are apparently boozers, since she’s pouring Brand Name Redacted liquor into her dish.
Michael’s vice is ... well, we gather that he’s into boobs. (Say hi to Gail for me!) So, operating on the concept that Vegas and boob jobs go hand in cup, so to speak, he opts to go the (usually successful) visual pun route. He’s making a rack of lamb with juicy coconuts. Get it?
Laurine (oh, she actually gets to talk!) is going with ... I’m gonna guess gluttony? A sweet tooth? Because she’s making donuts. Bacon donuts. In a Belgian beer sauce. ... Odd, but curious in a cardiovascularly deadly kind of way.
Jennifer C.’s another boozehound. So she’s taking an entire liquor cabinet and pouring it over fish. Upside: Even if folks don’t like it, they won’t remember the next morning.
Speaking of Foster Brooks, Jesse is also riding the 100 Proof Wagon with her dish. She’s planning on some kind of chicken with egg made with firewater. Her problem, though, is that her chicken is drying out. Her other problem: She doesn’t know the proper use of “would have.” But then, I want to hurt people who say “would of.” (I have issues.)
Hector’s vice is smoking. (Oh, boooooo!) He plans to cook with his balls, which I think wouldn’t be covered under Bravo’s liability insurance. He’s going to deep fry a steak to give it a smokey flavor. (When he explains it later, it makes sense. But now, it just sounds nuts. .... Ah! That's how he’s incorporating his testicular skills!)
Eve squeaks at us that her vice is that she overcomplicates things. So she’s going to make something simple (a curried shrimp dish) and complicate it and then simplify it and ... oh, why bother?
Time is called and Robin is miffed that her gastrique didn’t make it to her plate. Like it matters.
Time for service!
Awaiting the dishes are Tom, Padma, the ever-lovely Gail Simmons and Wolfie Da Überceleb.
First up, Team Black. DouchebagMike tells us that it’s “awesome” to be cooking for the Puck. They serve.
DickfaceMike’s problem (well, number 37 on his list of problems) is his hot temper and foul mouth. To represent this, he’s made an olive oil poached halibut with eggplant purée, with the halibut dressed to look like the bar of soap his mom would use to wash out his mouth. Mikey’s clearly a gifted chef. And he knows that visual puns are always big hits in this game.
Eli’s effort is to put into his dish his jaded, angry, drunk, bitter and wholly unpleasant character. (Hey, he said it! Personally, I don’t see it. Yet.) To represent this, he’s made a “buttered Scotch” scallop dish. It seems accurate enough.
Ashley’s vice is -- here we go again -- the giggle juice. So she’s made three chicken liver ravioli with a red wine sauce. Feh.
And then there’s Hector’s fried ribeye steak.
The judges taste the dishes. They like Eli’s scallops and SchmuckwadMike’s halibut. They’re not keen on Hector’s and Ashley’s concepts.
Next out is Team Blue.
Brother Bryan’s vices are a steak, a bourbon and a cigar. (Is this Top Chef or Rescue Me? I forget.) He’s made a great steak and has added elements to the plate which are suggestive of the casks in which bourbon is aged.
Mattin’s vice is that he actually believes that one’s horoscope actually means shit, in his case, the month in which he was born makes him stubborn. And since buffalo are SORT of like bull, he’s made a buffalo rib eye steak with sushi-like servings of zucchini and mashed potatoes.
Jennifer C. introduces her all-you-can-drink poached halibut. (You eat that and you’ll be poached, all right.)
Jesse explains her hooch-infused Tipsy Chicken. But I can’t stop to hear anything about it since I’m distracted by the bandanna on her head which makes her look like Aunt Jemima, only white and with lots of problems getting through metal detectors.
Robin wastes everyone’s time introducing her dish. In case you’re interested, her vice is being a “bad Jew” who eats pork. It’s a pork dish. I’m sure it is very nice. I believe it’s called Pork Tenderloin ala Moot Point.
The judges taste. Brian’s dish is generally liked. Jennifer C.’s drunkenfish is a hit. Jesse’s tipsy chicken and Mattin’s buffalo aren’t.
Then comes Team Green.
Ash reveals that he’s on Team Procrastination, too. To illustrate this he’s made a halibut. But what’s really cute (aside from the chef) is that since he’s prone to procrastinate, he only put sauce on half the plate to suggest he didn’t have time to finish it.
Jennifer Z. introduces her (giant turd that was found in the sand) chili stuffed with wheat gluten. Yeah, what you’re imagining. It’s like THAT bad.
Ron gives the judges the lowdown on his immigrant story and explains his fish. It seems delicious. But, again, no one seems to get how that’s a vice.
And then Laurine (still here!) shows off the arterial flow stopper that is her bacon donuts with beer sauce.
Aaaaand taste! Wolfie thinks the donuts are tasty but dense. They like Ron’s story and dish as well as Ash’s fish. Jennifer Z.’s big poopie loaf, though, makes folks gag.
Last to serve is Team Red.
Brother Mike flashes his ta-tas, or rather introduces his artificial mammary gland dish.
Preeti’s vice is a specific cocktail. So she’s made a gender non-specific port tenderloin with bourbon sweet potato purée.
Eve goes off into na-na land trying to explain her complicated-not-complicated-complicated curried shrimp.
And Kevin (who I’m convinced was created by Gund) introduces his brilliant slow-fast/fast-slow fish dish.
The judges taste and Wolfie says that something looks like chicken testicles. (Considering the size of what it is that’s on his fork, I’m imagining he’s seen some 6 foot tall chickens in his day.) Everyone loves Kevin’s story and his dish and Brother Mike’s boobie dish. Eve’s mishegoss leaves them bored confused.
So, it’s off to ...
Judges’ Table
(Ah Judges’ Table. I’m so happy to have my apostrophe back.)
Padma arrives in the Stewed Room and calls up ... Ron, Kevin, DoucheyMike and Jessica C. as the top four.
The judges question them and enthuse over their dishes. And after some discussion, they say that the winner of the challenge is ... Kevin!
The plushie leads the rest of the winners back to the Stewed Room where they call up the bottom four, Eve, Jesse, Hector and Jessica Z.
Hector defends his deep frying of the steak as being chicharron-style. When he puts it that way, it makes sense. But, sadly, it doesn’t improve the dish.
Addressing her shrimp, Eve doubletalks with her flaaaat aaaaays and only confounds everyone.
Jennifer Z.’s defensive approach is to be defensive. And argumentative. She insists that she’s made that dish before and it’s popular at her restaurant. She impresses no one with this.
Jesse, to her credit, isn’t so much defensive but explanatory. She knows what happened and why. Wolfie tells her to work on that dish and it could be good one day.
The judges confer and, after some back and forth, come to their conclusion.
They call the bottom four back in.
“Jennifer, please pack your knives and go.”
Luckily she won’t need to pack her clothes. She never unpacked.
This season on Top Chef: Drama. Lots of it. And even more Las Vegas clichés. We’re now placing bets for how many episodes before we see ... a 24-hour wedding chapel, gangsters, Wayne Newton and an Elvis impersonator.
Top Chef Masters
Episode: Now Do It Standing On Your Head, Speaking Esperanto!
August 12, 2009
Previously on Top Chef Masters: We were finally rid of serial name dropper and all-round pill, Oprah Chef Art Smith. (Really. That’s all you need to know.)
We’re (mercifully) nearing the end and I’m freaking out about how the hell I’m possibly going to do Top Chef Masters, Top Chef and Project Runway in one week. So, while I work out my issues and refill my prescriptions, let’s take a look at this, the penultimate TCM episode, shall we?
It’s down to the final four Masters. And the remaining leaders in the Food Court Sweepstakes from an Alternate Universe are ...
- Hubert Keller: Au Bon Pain
- Michael Chiarello: Sbarro
The Masters enter the kitchen for the ...
Quickfire Challenge
NotPadma reminds everyone that for TCM, they’re reviving Quickfire Challenges from previous Top Chef seasons. And now it’s time for the one we’ve been so eagerly anticipating .... the blindfold taste test.
The Masters sweat perfectly-seasoned bullets.
The challenge: To accurately identify as many ingredients as they can from a selection of 20 common (and not-so-common) items. And to do it blindfolded.
The hostess mentions that in Season One, Chef Andrea won this challenge by accurately identifying the umeboshi plum. Blindfolded. Chef Hubert is visibly terrified. And Chef Michael doesn’t even know what an umeboshi plum is.
The chef who correctly names the most ingredients wins five stars for this challenge. The runner-up gets four stars. The next, three and a half. And the one in last place earns three stars.
The Masters wait out in the dining area until they are called into the kitchen one by one for the taste test.
Chef Michael goes first. He’s all about Italian cuisine and doesn’t feel he’d know most non-Italian ingredients. We see him accurately ID peanut butter, corn, hummus, oregano and coconut water and stumble over others.
Next is Chef Hubert. He makes a vaguely sexual comment about how he enjoyed NotPadma putting the blindfold on him and proceeds to taste. We see him get peanut butter, coconut water, ketchup and maple syrup and miss a few others.
Third is Chef Rick. His strategy is to think of this like a party game. (Is this another vaguely sexual reference to NotPadma?) We see him get a few items VERY wrong, identifying mango as plum, for instance. He predicts his chefs back home will be ribbing him for this for years to come.
Last is Chef Anita (who has no sexy come-ons for NotPadma). She employs the bad strategy of putting a lot of each ingredient in her mouth. This she realizes is a bad strategy because she can’t get the previous ingredient out her mouth when it’s time to taste the next one.
NotPadma gathers the Masters and reveals the results.
- Chef Hubert got five correct.
- Chef Anita got six right.
- And Chef Michael got ... seven right. He wins the challenge.
So, as a result, the ratings are ...
- Chef Hubert: Three and a half stars
Elimination Challenge
NotPadma then announces that for this challenge, the Masters will be catering a lunch for a bunch of “Hollywood insiders.” And they will be getting some “help.” (I think we all know what that mean, don’t we boys and girls?)
And since being a chef means making good hiring choices and making sure the sous chefs execute their visions well, the Masters will have to pick which helpers they would like.
Now entering the GE™ Monogram Kitchen Of Death, twelve previous season Top Chef finalists (and one “winner”). They are ...
- Chef Fabio (Season Five): The Spicy Meat’a’ball
- Chef Dale (Season Four): The Big Brother Houseguest
- Chef Betty (Season Two): The Soup And Sandwich
- Chef C.J. (Season Three): What’s Six-Seven And Can Juggle One Ball?
- Chef Alex (Season Five): Who?
- Chef Antonia (Season Four): The Designated Mom
- Chef Jamie (Season Five): The Scallop
- Chef Richard (Season Four): The “Scallop”
- Chef Spike (Season Four): The Frozen Scallop
- Chef Elia (Season Two): The One Whose Hair Grew Back Nicely
- Chef Brian (Season Three): The Fishmonger Who Bequeathed His Hats To Spike
- Chef Ilan (Season Two): No Longer The Most Controversial Winner
The Masters then get to interviewing the Chefs. And what a contrast in styles it is.
First off, it seems that Chef Michael must have never seen an episode of Top Chef since he clearly seems to not have the first idea as to what these chefs can do. Adopting what we’ll call the Mussolini Management Style, he hammers the chefs with hard questions like “what’s my name, maggot?” and makes them sprint around the kitchen to find carrots and dice them properly. Oh, and they are to answer these questions while running and polishing his shoes.
It’s pretty damn humiliating for the chefs. Some begrudgingly accept the task. (After all, is it the role of a lowly private to question the angry drill sergeant?) Fabio, for instance, rather expected this kind of thing from a fellow Italian. But some, thinking they are far above such menial tasks, try to resist.
Spike, for one, adopts the smarmy used-car-salesman “don’t you know who I am?” approach and suggests he and Michael get to know each other rather than run around looking for orange veggies. (Partner in douchebaggery, Ilan, seems to encourage this approach.) I sense this is the same approach Spike uses when asked to pay his overdue rent.
Elsewhere, the other Masters, partly because they’re familiar with the chefs and partly because they don’t feel the need to be fascist dictators from the ‘30s for the viewers, take more subtle approaches to personnel management.
Chef Rick tries to find chefs who relate most to his Mexican flavors. He also informs C.J. that touristy Mexican resort towns are not, in fact, Mexico. Rick is particularly intrigued with Chef Richard (despite Richard’s lack of experience with this particular cuisine) because of what Rick saw when he judged Richard during his season.
Similarly, Chef Hubert tries to find which of the chefs have experience in French cuisine. He also looks for that rarity of TC contestants, one who will not reflexively spit out the line, “I am not a pastry chef.”
We learn that Chef Anita has worked with Jamie some nine years ago at the Michigan Women’s Music Festival when Anita’s restaurant was just starting out. So, she’ll use Jamie’s know-how about her colleagues to make her hiring choices.
After a fake-out scene involving Chef Michael’s neurotic need to ask people how to pronounce his name (It’s key-o-RELL-o, damnit!), we’re back to see the Masters pick their helpers.
Since Michael won the last challenge, he gets to pick first. And he picks Fabio. (This seems to disappoint Fabio somewhat, since he also wanted to work with Hubert.)
Betty seems to speak for everyone when she says that everyone’s goal is to work with Hubert and not with Michael.
As the schoolyard pick continues, the last chefs to be chosen are Betty and Spike. But evil genius that he is, Rick, picks Betty which leaves Hubert saddled with asshole extraordinaire, Spike.
Naturally, Spike makes it seem that the fact that no one wanted him on his team is some kind of compliment. He actually thinks this means that they’re frightened he will “outshine their food.” (Oh, to be able to see the twisted Rube Goldberg device that lives under that stupid hat.)
The teams work out as follows:
- Team Michael: Fabio, C.J. & Brian
- Team Hubert: Antonia, Elia & Spike
- Team Rick: Richard, Alex & Betty
- Team Anita: Jamie, Dale, Ilan
The teams get to planning, and again they are a contrast in styles.
Hubert consults with his chefs to see what their strengths are and how they can add their own twists to his menu.
Rick tries a similar approach, trying to incorporate the chefs’ strengths (and Richard’s molecular gastronomy fetish) into his menu.
Michael, staying true to form, issues his edicts and commands each chef to perform specific functions. (In his defense, he really seems totally unfamiliar with these chefs, since he seems to express regret that he doesn’t have time to learn what their strong points are. ... But maybe he might have if he didn’t waste it with that whole boot-shining task?)
And Chef Anita is basically lost, opting for a novel “safe-but-not-too-safe” cuisine.
Half of the folks head off to the Health Care Is Not A Human Right Grocery™ for supplies while the other half make their way to a restaurant supply shop.
Absolutely nothing interesting happens here.
The gang gets back to the kitchen with three and a half hours to cook. And, again, the contrast in styles is astounding.
Rick, the master of OCD, is obsessively organized and has his team label refrigerators and such. Meanwhile Michael instructs his team to stack stuff anywhere and he’ll figure out where it goes later.
This then leads to the preview clip of the season wherein Michael confronts Dale (having the audacity to refer to a lesser helper chef 15 years his junior as “young man”) about his taking up fridge space he thought he had already claimed.
Dale, Lord God King Dickwad, decides to channel his inner Bad Girls Club cast member, and get all up in Michael’s face about this. All that’s missing from the scene is a bad weave, slashed tires and Judge Judy to officiate.
Michael, who clearly would give as good a he gets under most circumstances, has the sense Dale does not. Seeing as he’s a grown man with a reputation and a thriving business, he stands and steams while the angry chihuahua jumps and yelps in his ear.
But, oh, how I’d love to have seen him vivisect and fricassee Dale and serve him as an entree.
Dale aside, though, it is more than clear that Michael’s domineering approach in the kitchen (and his lack of knowledge and appreciation for the chefs' talents) has earned him no friends, with all the chefs either expressing outright disdain or only begrudging support.
As for the other teams, Rick has decided to let Richard do his molecular gastronomy thing all over some avocado ice cream and Anita’s lack of imagination has her opting for a raw bar approach to the lunch.
As the preparations continue, we see that, robbed of a singular focus on scallops, Jamie is very slowly working her way through cleaning and prepping the seafood. Anita then remembers that this was Jamie’s problem back when they worked together on all those Olivia cruises.
The next day, we see they have only 2 1/2 hours to prepare and everyone is picking up the pace ...
Until ...
NotPadma pops into the kitchen wearing what appears to be a top with no bottom. Surprise! There’s a twist! The lunch won’t be in the dining room there, but rather someplace clear across town!
The chefs have to now stop all their prep in mid-prep, pack up everything and move to the new venue. And since some menus (particularly Chef Michael’s) have some items actually on the stove at this point, this can’t be good.
Amusingly, it’s the cheftestants who predicted the twist which has left the Masters flat-footed. (And Richard takes this as another opportunity to take a swipe at Michael.)
They pack up and move. (Personally, I think this is just an excuse to showcase the versatility of Saran Wrap™ products.)
At the new locale, the chefs kick into high gear. Except for Jamie who’s still working on opening a clam. (Write your own joke here.)
Suddenly, NotPadma interrupts the progress again to command everyone follow her to the rooftop terrace where the lunch will be served. Surprise! This is where the event will be.
Anita’s heart drops as she realizes that she’s planned a raw bar, which is not best staged on a hot summer day in direct sunlight. That is, if you don’t plan on murdering your guests.
Michael, too, is worried, since some of his dishes are mayonnaise-based and could similarly lead to a scene right out of Airplane! The Movie.
Oh, and there’s one more surprise! Each Master will now have to cut one member of their team!
Grumbles all around. Fabio expounds on sweaty mountain goats at the beach and the cuts begin.
Chef Michael cuts Brian, since he finished all his prep already. Chef Hubert cuts Spike because he’s just too threatened that Hat Boy will outshine his food. Chef Rick cuts Betty since she was just going to be working on the table’s visual presentation. And Chef Anita cuts Jamie because she’s the slowest lesbian oyster shucker on Earth.
With only one hour left, the teams head back to the kitchen, reformulate their plans as best they can and sprint to the finish line. In a last-ditch attempt to show that she actually does have a personality, Anita spends her hours cursing a blue streak.
The teams set up their tables and Richard gets in another dig at Michael, saying his table looks like “a wedding from 1987,” specifically that of Pam Dawber and Mark Harmon.
The “Hollywood insiders” appear. And they’re so “inside,” there isn’t a single recognizable face. (Then again, you could look at Meg Ryan, Lara Flynn Boyle and Melanie Griffith and not see a recognizable face there, either.)
The critics then arrive. Joining NotPadma are the critics, famed World Eater Jay Raynor, Elvis conquest Gael Greene and some Gimbels floorwalker who teleported in from the 1940s.
They first arrive at Chef Anita’s station. She’s doing an Asian buffet with the previously mentioned, unfortunate raw bar. She also does offer what appears to be a delicious pork dish as well.
Next is Chef Michael’s messy Italian buffet. He has risotto and three kinds of antipasti along with swordfish and two desserts. Gael says she’s not impressed with the flavors but is impressed with the cooking. (Personally, I don’t understand that. But, I’m a moron about these things, so I’ll trust her.) They all think that the swordfish, while tasty, is “odd looking.”
Up third is Team Hubert. He has a menu of a whopping 17 (!!) items. It would be shorter to list the items NOT offered. Asked about all this by the gushing critics, the Master gives all credit to his amazing team of women. (No, not you, Spike.)
When they get to eating his dishes, the critics are so totally effusive that it’s pretty clear as to who’s winning this shooting match.
Last, it’s off to sample Chef Rick’s dishes. He’s prepared a selection of Mexican dishes, topped off with Richard’s liquid nitrogen-assisted, made-on-the-spot avocado ice cream. The critics find it all beautiful and delicious. “It takes like Mexico,” says the floorwalker.
Lou Dobbs then sweeps in, throws a bag over his head and shoves him into a waiting panel truck for a free trip back home.
Before you know it, we’re at ...
Critics Table
The chefs stand. The critics question. You know the drill.
(Incidentally, there’s a Bravo poll thrown in here amidst the commercials about who would win in a fist fight, Dale or Michael. My faith in America is restored for a moment when I see that 76% gave the belt to Michael. ... Eat it, Dale!)
After the discussions about good food, unfortunate choices and personnel management skills, the critics have made their decisions.
First NotPadma addresses the top two chefs, Rick and Hubert.
After the ratings are tallied ...
- Chef Rick earns a total of ... 21 1/2 stars
- Chef Hubert earns a total of ... 892 stars 22 stars (Hubert wins the challenge!)
And for the bottom two ...
- Chef Anita earns a total of ... 17 stars
- Chef Michael earns a total of ... 19 1/2 stars
Anita is out. She leaves the kitchen with a bigger smile than she had the entire run of the show.
Curious. Who knew she had one?
Next time on Top Chef Masters: The finale! More “helpers,” it seems. I pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I don’t have to see Chef Art again. And five Top Chef winners (well, three winners and two “winners”) rate the dishes.
