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Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: This Episode Is Not Yet Rated
September 24, 2009
Previously on Project Runway: Again, the drama of travel and a life kept me from doing a proper recap. This tale is surely no longer new to you. The designers made paper dresses and Johnny told a big fat lie which even got the unflappable Sir Tim in a lather. In the end, the recovering meth-head was sent off to recover from being a really bad liar, too.
Yes, gentle reader. I was traveling and had no time for this this week either. Instead, I went to the movies.
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From the sewing needles of Lifetime and The Weinsteins comes a tale of fashion! intrigue! and bitchy models!
It all began last year. Irina had been granted Double Immunity and got to pick a genre.
"Film Noir!" she said with a slight cackle in her voice. It was the kind of choice a gal like that would make. Tough. Hard as nails. And with a set of legs you could use to walk a runway in Milan.
And then there was that other dame, Louise. Oh, she had an idea this idea that she could be subtle. The kind of subtlety that you could only see close-up, not through the whiskey-soaked peepers of a couple of no-account replacement judges.
And what had they done with Michael and Nina? Had they been Shanghaied in some back alley somewhere? No one was talking, but something tells me that shifty-eyed house-of-style-frau Heidi knows something. Look at her. She has the look of a lady who's got a bun in the oven and still hasn't told the stork. She's got to be hiding something.
"I can' stand it anymore," said Althea, the midwestern blonde with the body for the carnal and an eye for couture. "I don't care if I win another elimination! Just let me keep my model!"
But in the end, it was Louise who had to face the fickle fakes on the judging panel.
"What's that outfit?" asked the goon squad.
"That," said Louise. "It's the stuff that Fashion Week dreams are made of,"
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In a world where fashion and crime know no bounds, two designers face off in an epic battle. And only one will live to see the sunrise.
Carol Hannah may look like the girl next door, but she's a hired sewing assassin sent from South Carolina to stitch up the competition.
But one man stands in her way.
His name is Logan. With looks that can make women weep and gay men shiver, he's got the killer face that is set to take. her. down.
She doesn't know why he's after her, but it's her he's after.
And no one can help her. Except one. dapper. mentor.
They came to fight. For the Bryant Park show.
See what happens this summer when Tim Gunn is ... The Patternmaker.
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In a time of tradition ... in a place of privilege ... Designer Christopher lived his life on his own terms. Not bound by the cumbersome constraints of fashion school, he chose to carve out his own path. A path of innovation. And elegant design.
Until he met a slav who worked by her own rules. This is Gordana. She wants to make the Roaring Twenties come alive again. But only to a point.
Will she be able to put aside the conventions of the costume shop and make a flapper dress which is truly unique, or will she be sentenced once again to face the brutal barbs of the pretending three?
This Christmas, Lifetime proudly presents Heidi Klum, Christopher and Gordana and a cast of a thousand replacement judges in ... The Age of Insouciance.
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From the thrilling pages of Marie Claire magazine! Come two designers with a will to win as great as the grand, untamed West!
Epperson ... and Shirin.
Epperson, who had a rare kind of courage. The kind that would make a dread-locked strip-sewer throw away his comfort zone and make a frilly number for a gunslinging woman who knew when she had to walk the catwalk and when she had to protect the only family she has left.
And Shirin. Here is the tale of a designer, lost in this vast fashion wilderness. Unable to imagine making anything out of denim. Watch as she realizes that a saloon girl costume is all that can save her from certain eliminaton!
This is a drama of searing complexity! And comedic costuming! Of frills and thrills!
Adventure ... from the spray-tanned hills of Studio City! To the snow-swept VIP booths of Le Deux!
Epperson ... and Shirin
In ... The Sergers! (In Velvetvision™.)
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Here. In the far reaches of the galaxy. In a world of model swaps and button bags. Out where Botox flows like the waters of the River Styx come two designers from a distant nebula.
Ra'mon of Apostroph and Nicolas from the outer rings of Featherprincia.
And to these men, a visitor has come. A Gunn. And he is armed with steely "make it works" and "go, go, gos."
With one "talk to me" he can reduce Ra'mon's lizard-skin creation to mere shards which can only be salvaged by forces from the farthest galaxy.
Will he be able to buck up the man with hair like hedge maze and bring him back to Earth in time? Or will he be sent out into the silent void of life at the Fashion Bug outlet?
And what of Nicolas? With one blast from a deep space ray, see this bottom dweller usurp the Throne of Kors and steer his icy model ship through a sea of cake frosting conditioner to steal the prize which he does not deserve.
But will Ra'mon survive?
No.
Because in space ... no one can hear you stitch.
Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Dec Onst Ruc Tingd Ishes
September 23, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: Your gentle blogger had to do this fool thing from memory since he was blogging his way across America. As it was, the chefs cooked in the great outdoors in a challenge that was both picturesque and totally unnecessary. In the end, BrotherBryan won the challenge and Mattin got sent packing for making a ceviche sixteen ways, none of which were any good.
When we last left this tale, we were writing recaps at 20,000 feet. Where were we heading? San Francisco, where we intended to (among other things) eat at Hubert Keller’s stellar Fleur De Lys and then stop in at Chef Mattin’s Iluna Basque. At the latter establishment, we hoped to meet the ousted Top Chef contestant and see this week’s show. Will have a complete recap of that evening for you next week (seeing as TC will be a re-run). But as a special treat, this week your recap will be as we saw it, sitting in a restaurant, watching the Pacific Coast feed. (This becomes pertinent later.)
Wow. Cute place. Oh, look! There’s Mattin now! I hope he remembers that I told him we were coming. And isn’t that cute? All the servers are wearing the little red neckerchiefs!
Aw, thanks, Mattin. Yes, we’d love a table where we can see the TV. (That’s ironic, since those who know me know that I loathe the expanding presence of TVs in restaurants. But in this case, it’s helpful.)
Show’s starting!
Oh, I see. There’s no audio and the show’s closed captioned. That makes sense, considering there are diners who probably don’t want to hear it.
Morning after footage. My, how cute is that? It looks like Mattin left behind about a hundred neckerchiefs when he left and all the chefs are putting them on the next day as a tribute to their fallen comrade! That’s so cute!
Mattin! Mattin! Look up! Do you see this? It’s about you! That’s odd. He’s not looking up. I thought the contestants never saw the episodes until they aired. Maybe someone told him about this already. Anyway …
Is Chef DoucheyMike trashing Chef Scatterbrain Robin again? Sheesh. Is this a motif this season, or what?
I can’t make out who’s saying what in this text. Why is someone talking about rattlesnakes all of a sudden?
Chef Honorary Dude Jennifer seems to be onboard with the whole Robin-doesn’t-deserve-to-still-be-here thing. Curious.
Quickfire Challenge
The chefs all arrive in the GE Boobytraps™ Kitchen where they are greeted by Padma and superchef Michelle Bernstein. The ladies giggle at the chefs who are (almost) all wearing Mattin’s kerchiefs. (In fairness, I think Robin is using hers as an armband, perhaps?)
Padma explains something about another Vegas cliché, going back to the Sin City well for the second time this season. The way they’re making this make sense this time is that playing off the “devil” and “angel” on their shoulders, the chefs will have to create a duo of something or other, with one side being healthy and another being artery-clogging.
And on a menu, it’s sure not to be ordered for this very duality.
Oh, and the winner will get immunity in the elimination challenge, but no fancy p-p-p-poker chip.
Go!
Oh, I see they’re plugging that chicken stock again. Grand. Wow, this is going too fast. I can’t tell what’s going on. Is that …? Wait … what? Is this some kind of truncated version of the show we’re seeing?
I think that was Chef My Heart Be Still Ash saying something about a custard. And Robin’s bringing up her cancer experience somehow, though I can’t tell how that plays into this duo thing.
Hmm, I think Ash said something about “heated eggs.” Perhaps something’s wrong with his custard. Sad face.
Time!
Tasting. Chef BrotherMichael made a … what? Chef Kevin … Chef Ron … Damn! This is going too fast! What’s happening?
Chef Sad Ashley … Chef Gnomish Eli … Chef BrotherBryan ….
I totally don’t get what a “devil” or “angel” have to do with any of these. Maybe if I could hear this? But I doubt it.
Chef Jennifer … Chef Ash seems distraught. Not a good sign. I think he said something about time screwing things up for him here.
Oh, now it’s Robin’s turn. She’s telling her cancer story. She’s saying something about cooking healthy and sugar being her “devil.” I wonder if her story will automatically make her the winner here, or if her food’s good too?
Chef Laurine … Chef DoucheyMike The Eye-Roller … Did I see one of the judges say his dish was “too salty?” Ooh, he doesn’t look happy. Ha.
Judging.
The three worst? Ash’s unfinished custard, BrotherBryan’s high-concept something-er-other and Laurine’s “nothing new” thing.
And the favorites? BrotherMichael’s “bite,” Eli’s something-that-went-by-too-fast that was “awesome,” and Robin’s “simple” duo of lymphoma-tale.
And the winner is … Robin! The rest of the gang shoots daggers through their eyeballs which don’t need closed captioning to be read.
Golf claps.
Elimination Challenge
Now entering the kitchen, another Vegas cliché, your über-Libertarian magicians Penn and Teller! Chat, chat, chat. Magic trick. Balls. Clear cups. Surprise.
It’s really interesting the first three or four dozen times you see them do it. It really is. I think I passed that point some ten years ago, though. (Not that I could do it myself, mind you.)
And how does this create a theme for the challenge? Well, the chefs will have to make “magic” by deconstructing some classic dishes in such a way that when the dish is put back together on the fork, it tastes like the original dish.
Now that's a tie-in. (None of that “Go to the Magic Castle and make smoke for a wizard” shit that they did on Top Chef Masters for these guys.)
Out comes the knife block. The chefs pick knives/classic dishes.
- BrotherMichael: Caesar Salad
- Robin: New England Clam Chowder
- Kevin: Chicken Mole Negro
- BrotherBryan: Reuben Sandwich
- DoucheyMike: Eggs Florentine
The chefs will be “serving in pairs” to the judges, though I’m not sure what that really means in terms of the challenge. Did I see her mention … Oh, drat, yes. That Asshole-Among-All-Assholes Toby “The Talking Scrotum” Young will be back. Well, at least I don’t have to HEAR him this week.
Time to get their supplies at the Sorry About Your Cancer, Tough Noogies Mart™. Did that shopping trip get two seconds of time? Now I’m sure we’re watching a truncated version of the show. Is this some special satellite feed I don’t know about?
I think DoucheyMike said something about being uncomfortable with this for some reason. And BrotherMichael seems to be in his element, though it’s hard to tell since he and his brother seem to possess exactly one facial expression between them.
Someone said something snotty about BrotherMichael baking his own bread. Who was that? Was that his brother?
Oh dear. I see that Jennifer seems to be stumped on this. That can’t be good.
And Ron got [bleep]ed a few times, so I can’t tell what he’s doing with his paella. Ah, Eli’s saying that Ron doesn’t know what “deconstructing” a dish means. I think I get it now.
Eli’s showing off his personal pressure cooker that looks like your random car in a lesbian neighborhood (i.e., held together with bumper stickers). And speaking of lesbians, Ashley’s letting us know that when she grew up in the woods, they only ate nuts and berries and never HAD pot roast.
Or that’s what I think she said.
Now, I gather that we must have heard a sound here, since everyone is now looking surprised. Yep, Eli’s saying that his pressure cooker exploded and it may have injured a chef?
Over to RobinLand. She tells us that she doesn’t like clam chowder, so she’s making a flan instead. … And this has nothing to do with having immunity.
Again, I get confused. Someone’s saying things that don’t seem to make any sense. Who’s talking? Now someone’s saying (again) how Robin is annoying. More non sequiturs. Laurine seems pissed. Damn this non-audio thing!
But I get it. Robin is a pill. And it’s Laurine’s turn to be mad at her.
Hey, Tom’s here! When did that happen?
Ash describes his dish. Tom think Ash doesn’t know what exactly he’s doing.
Jennifer does that “one minute” gesture with her finger. Is she blowing off Tom?
Tom goes to Ashley’s table. Did he talk to her? Now he’s at Ron’s. Ron seems to be asking Tom what he should do. Is that a good idea?
Now Tom’s at Jennifer’s station. She seems hella-rushed and doesn’t seem the least bit like she wants to talk and I’m guessing the closed captioning couldn’t keep up with all she said in the span of two seconds. Tom speeds away.
Time’s up!
Hmm. Now they’re back home at Casa Cuisine. I guess they serve the next day.
Oh, now we get footage of the chefs sitting around talking about each other and their dishes.
Hey! Here's Mattin! (In person, not on TV.) Chat. Chat. Chat. Nice. Nice. Nice.
And I can’t see a damn thing that’s going on on the set. But this is more important.
Oh, Mattin, I was asked to find out if you had any questions for tonight’s eliminated chef?
“Oh, for Ron?”
Uh … yeah.
“Oh, sorry. We have a satellite and we saw what happened a few hours ago. I don’t know if you knew that he was the eliminated one already.”
Er, no. ... But now we do! … And we kind of figured. But it’s been great talking to you! We’ll chat some more after the show? Cool.
Now, where were we? Hmm. I gather that things have gotten heated in the house with folks coming down hard on Robin for her having won the Quickfire with a tale of woe and a simple dish and her general Robinness.
I’ll assume I’m now appropriately caught up.
Somehow it’s the next day and we’re in the kitchen someplace else. And I really have no idea what I missed. Perhaps overnight they all did displays of magic acts and Criss Angel: Mind Freak popped in to do a show wherein he made pork chops levitate. I don’t know.
I think someone’s saying something about “serving in pairs” but being judged individually, which seems to mean that they’ll be judged individually and the pairs thing means jack shit.
The guests, the fine judges and the Talking Scrotum arrive in the dining room.
Serving first are BrotherMichael and DoucheyMike. BrotherMichael’s deconstructed Caesar salad looks really interesting. DoucheyMike’s eggs Florentine looks messy.
The judges think the eggs dish is missing ingredients. And while they liked the Caesar salad creation, ScroteFace thinks it should explode. (??)
Then come Laurine and BrotherBryan. Laurine’s worried about how she only has a few workable chips for her fish and chips dish. They serve.
The judges do not enjoy Laurine’s fish and chips, finding the fish dry and the chips lacking. As for BrotherBryan’s robo-Reuben, the judges think it worked perfectly, but Penn and Teller both disagree.
In the kitchen, Ash and Jennifer prepare to come out next. I think Ash is saying something about something ELSE that’s gone wrong for him. (And we know how THAT always ends up for my favorite chef.) And Jennifer is disappointed in how her dish looks and fears she could face elimination for this.
They serve.
The judges positively gush over Jennifer’s deconstructed meat lasagna. But Poor Ash’s shepherd’s pie doesn’t fare well at all. The lamb seems underdone and the lack of potatoes in a potato-centric dish isn’t going over at all.
Then it’s time for Eli and Ron. Did Ron just say “it is what it is?”
If so, ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! If you had “It Is What It Is,” Chef Ron and Episode Six, come on down and claim your Make Your Own Kanye West Hedge Maze Hairstyle Kit now!
They serve.
Ron’s paella looks like, well, a paella served on a plate with the rice gathered in the middle. Eli’s sweet and sour pork dish looks like a serving of hush puppies.
No one seems to like the paella one bit. And when the judges taste Eli’s dish, someone says they look like “bull’s testicles.” I think Padma says that she’s had those before … and hilarity ensues. (Without the audio, this is worthless.)
Next, it’s Kevin and Ashley. As they carry their plates out, both of them think their dishes look awful.
They serve.
From what I can see past some dude’s back, I guess Kevin’s chicken mole went over well. And Ashley’s dish looks like it’s a home run.
And Robin serves last. She made flan. Padma says it tastes like some other soup. ScroteFace seems disgusted, much as if he was looking in a mirror, I assume.
Dinner over, it’s time for …
Judges’ Table
Padma enters the Stewed Room and calls up … Kevin, Ashley, Michael ... and Jennifer.
Here we totally crack up, since the on-screen graphic says, “[♫♫] [suspenseful music] [♫♫]”.
Wasn’t Jennifer just saying something about her dish being awful? Or was that someone else?
Before the judges (and the talking skin pouch), the chefs hear how great each of their dishes were. And Jennifer gets singled out for having made such a great dish after having been such a mess the day before.
And the winner this week is … Kevin! (Yea!)
And, as the winner, Kevin wins a complete set of lead-coated Chinese-made cookware from the 99¢ store! Congratulations!
Meanwhile, back in the Stewed Room, someone is ragging on Robin for making “salad and crisps” and winning with that kind of thing. I think it was Ash (!). But without the audio, I get no sense of the tone of that statement.
The three losers are then called up. They are … Laurine, Ron and Ash.
“[♫♫] [suspenseful music] [♫♫]”
You know, at this point, I could just get the check and go now, since a certain be-kerchiefed cheftestant already let the paella-making cat out of the bag, you know.
Anyway …
Ash is called out for his shepherd’s pie. He says he’s never tasted one he didn’t make himself. Laurine admits her fish was overcooked and explains her missing chips. And Ron is called out for his dry-yet-soggy rice which wasn’t deconstructed at all.
They are sent away so the judges can snark at each other.
There seems to be some kind of disagreement about someone’s pronunciation of paella and Barcelona. (The screen shows ScroteFace and something about “pie-ella” and “Bar-the-lona” so I gather he’s being his usual assholey self here.)
They call the chefs back in.
Ron’s sent back out to sea.
But we knew that already.
Check please!
Oh, and two red neckerchiefs, too!
Next time on Top Chef: Damn! Someone’s blocking the screen again. Oh well.
Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: YOU LIE!
September 17, 2009
Previously on Project Runway: In a stunning departure from the norm, the designers had to design dresses for their models. We learned that the models' taste is all in their mouths. Johnny made a bridesmaid dress. Althea made a three-piece suit that the judges loved and the designers hated. Althea won, Johnny almost lost and poor Qrystil was sent to the great spellcheck in the sky.
OK, if you've been paying any attention, you know I am having serious time issues. And this week, it's been exacerbated by a vacation. So here's what you get.
So, the morning after the last elimination once again we get to see these folks express dismay that one designer is sent home each week. Heidi announced that the challenge will be "in black and white"
Naturally, the cast thought this would have something to do with old Hollywood.
Tim greeted the designers at the printing plant of the Los Angeles Times.
Paper. The challenge will be to make dresses from newspaper.
Finally, a use for newspapers. Surely, this will keep them from going out of business now.
The gang grab giant stacks of newsprint, bravely daring to get that icky stuff all over their hands, and go to work.
Everyone gamely attempts to make their paper dresses. Gordana thinks this would be a good time to make two dresses, one which works for the challenge and one that is a political statement, calling for the election of this John Kerry guy who at the time of this filming was running for President. Tim suggests that she should just work on making a good dress and leave the politics out of it. Besides, how could this Kerry guy not win?
Irina is a bit stumped until Tim arrives and gives her the idea that a paper raincoat could work. She takes the idea and makes a rather elaborate trench coat with a '20s feel with crumpled paper taking the place of a fur collar and cuffs.
But the drama is all about Johnny. At the start of the challenge, the methy designer (sorry, formerly methy designer) has an idea involving orgami birds holding up a horrible wet mess of red paper which we'll call a "dress."
Tim arrives and declares it awful. The other designers see this and laugh heartily. After that, Johnny crumples up his mess and starts again, this time opting to create a lazy artsy-crafty mini-dress which is so bad I could imagine making it myself.
But once the workday is over, we see that Johnny has fabricated a story in his own mind about how some previously unseen steamer ruined his first dress and that's what made him toss it out. And it's the same magical steamer that ate his brain and made him metaphorically sit on his hands and work on a crossword puzzle instead.
Come the runway show, we see that Michael Kors and Nina Garcia are still M.I.A. and we're saddled with lame replacement judges. And Eva Longoria (Parker, for now). Oh, and star of The Cut, Tommy Hilfiger.
Yeah, I said it. I watched The Cut. And I lived to tell the tale.
Once we see the dresses, we see that, for the most part, the outfits are actually pretty damn cool.
The top three are Irina for her novel paper trench coat, Althea for a cute "print" made from a repeated image of a building used to make a cocktail dress, and Christopher for his dramatic evening gown which has a hard top and a soft feather-like newsprint bottom.
But the winner is Irina, who feels it's about damn time.
As for the losers, the bottom three are Johnny with his godawful crap dress, Nicolas for his "punk" dress which replacement judge lady thinks looks like a cockroach, and Gordana for having the nerve to make a dress which is deemed "wearable."
When the judges question Johnny, he repeats his bullshit story about the mystery steamer. And Nicolas, knowing the story is bullshit, calls him out on this. Johnny The Liar is terribly offended at this "under the bus" throwing and calls Nicolas a "jerk."
And the judges really don't know what to make of any of this.
When they deliberate, the judges aren't too sure about the veracity of Johnny's flimsy story. And Ms. Longoria (Parker, for now) thinks that she should pull out a painful pun about her backside being her best "asset" and dishes that Tommy "doesn't iron."
Finally, the wait is over. And Johnny is out.
He acts like he's chagrined, but (on the Models show) we see that he's just pissed that Nicolas called him out.
But it isn't until after he's sent away that the drama really happens when Tim joins the designers again and says how stunned he was by Johnny's "fiction."
Oh, my. ... I don't think even the most Vincent Libretti of shitty designers ever got Tim that pissed.
It makes me wish I had time to really get into this.
Alas.
Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Ceviches Of The Ooooooold West
September 16, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: Two chefs went home in one week. First, Jesse Piercyface was told to “pack your knives and leave” (or “go,” if you are to believe this week’s opening) when she didn’t make a great snail dish. After a veritable Mont Rushmore of French chefs gathered for a meal, Hector was sent away for making a badly hacked-up chateaubriand.
Note: Gentle reader, be advised that your overtaxed blogger, is at this writing, winging his way across the U.S. of A. to San Francisco and has not had a moment to blog properly. So, what you have before you is a slapdash recap cobbled together from memories of watching this fool thing twice and what I am able to recollect after not enough sleep and hours of being crammed into a 1 X 1 American Airlines coach seat.
Morning. Las Vegas. The chefs are once again startled to realize that each week someone else is being sent packing. The guys gather (in what I can only assume is mandatory outdoor chaise time) in their undershirts and bemoan the fact that Hector went home last week. Especially when Useless Chef Robin is still hanging out.
Chef BrotherMichael, appearing this week in the wrong aspect ratio (someone at Bravo must have forgotten the HD camera for some of the interviews this week!), is most miffed at Hector’s eviction and makes predictions for the end, seeing himself, Chef DoucheyMike and Chef BrotherBryan as the only really talented chefs there.
One wonders what Chefs Kevin Beardy McBearderson and Jennifer The Honorary Dude think of that assessment.
Moments later, we’re in the kitchen at the Super 8 Motel Resort & Casino™ for this week’s ...
Quickfire Challenge
The chefs are greeted by Padma and the (oddly un-hatted) self-taught, Southwestern Chef Extraordinaire Tim Love. And a table of cacti.
Here, Pads stands around and looks pretty while her recorded-in-post-production voice informs the chefs that this time, the Bravo viewers (last season) voted on which of three odd ingredients would be used in this challenge: kangaroo, snake or cactus.
And you’ll never guess which one the viewers picked.
Go!
Chef flurry.
DoucheyMike feels mighty confident of this challenge and retakes his DoucheyCrown (which was abdicated last week) by getting all Mr. Know-It-All on us again. See, he’s the only chef in the whole wide world of chefdom who knows that cactus is gooey and needs to be seared or blanched or some other fancy chef-y thing to de-goo it.
(Have I mentioned that I need instructions on how to boil water?)
The other chefs are, however, somewhat stumped on what to do with the succulent. Chef Picture Not Available Laurine admits to not knowing enough about cactus to make it the “star of the show” and makes a pork dish with cactus salsa.
Chef Cliffie’s CrushObject Ash says he has Hector in his head and, hence, is of a mind to make some kind of cactus tortillas. (Because everyone KNOWS Puerto Rican food is all about the tortillas.)
Chef I Have To Be Really Nice About Him Because I May Meet Him In A Few Days Mattin also knows little about cactus, but feels pretty confident nonetheless. He’s making one of the 37 ceviches we will see in the next hour. His will involve tequila, which should properly adjust the judges’ judgment in his favor.
Chef Sad Ashley, meanwhile, is making a cactus donut hole, which sounds ... not good, actually.
And Chef Ron Of The Crocs informs us that in his homeland of Haiti cacti are QUITE deadly and, as such, he’s making soup.
Here, we get to see BrotherMichael continue what is to become a theme this episode: He complains about being out of his element. Despite his prediction of another Quickfire win here, his manner suggests that he’s a cinch for a bottom three slot at the end of the show.
Oh, and he’s making some kind of a sushi-like roll with cactus.
When time is called, Tim and Padma taste the various dishes. Tim thinks Kevin’s dish is “slimy, but nice,” which describes a boss I once had.
When asked to single out the bottom three, he points out Ash’s, BrotherMichael’s and Ron’s creations. As for the winners, he loved DoucheyMike’s, Laurine’s and Mattin’s.
In the end, the winner is ... DoucheyMike. He enthuses about winning his first $15K poker chip from the Super 8 Motel Resort and Casino and, before we know it, it’s time for the ...
Elimination Challenge
Padma reveals that the chefs will be cooking for lunch for a bunch of cowboys and may or may not have said it would be in the “great outdoors.” They can make whatever they want, but it has to be “high-end.” Oh, and they won’t know a thing about their cooking conditions and such until the next day.
Clearly, this is a carefully calculated attempt to have some of the chefs pick stuff that really won’t work once they see where they’ll be cooking. You know, that whole “Watch What Happens” shit.
Well, after a quick trip to the Healthcare Shmealthcare Market™, we see that none of the chefs have taken the bait. They’re wise to your sneaky ways, Bravo, and will not have any of that.
It’s ceviches all ‘round.
If they’re not going to know if they’ll be stuck cooking with matches and blow-driers while riding sidesaddle, they’re damn sure not going to be planning dishes that involve a deep fryer, liquid nitrogen or Waring blenders.
You’ll have citrus-cured seafood and you’ll like it!
The chefs pile into their SponsorMobiles and are driven out into the desert where they are left for dead.
Or are dropped off before a small circle of teepees amidst the sand.
Same diff.
Some of the chefs take to this well, with Ashley explaining how she’s SUPER EXCITED to see an outhouse, since she was raised on food stamps by a single mother with her twin brother and other brother “literally in the middle of the forest.”
I really don’t know what to say about that. Except maybe it explains why she referred to her brother’s newborn as an “it” during her turn shilling the SponsorPhone for the weekly Sad Call Home Moment.
But then again, I think of those things as “it”s too. And I’d sooner peel and eat a giant cactus with my bare hands than experience an outhouse.
Also on Team Outdoors, Yea! is Mattin, who explains how he grew up in a small Basque hamlet of two dozen red-kerchiefed separatist villagers and is completely comfortable with this.
On the other hand, we have Chef Gnome Eli who eagerly tries to get production to let him sleep in the SponsorMobile and is stressed that this whole thing will make his girlfriend think that he’s OK with going camping.
BrotherMichael is also pissed off, continuing our theme. Oddly, his increasingly emotionless brother seems OK with this whole thing.
Or maybe he isn’t. He does only have one facial expression, after all.
As the day ends, we see that Ron is dissecting a tree in order to strategically place branches around the opening of his teepee as part of what we learn is a voodoo ritual to ward off snakes. (Is there a voodoo ritual to get the judges to think you have made good food too? Because that would be handy.)
Night falls and the chefs sit around the campfire and Ash continues being totally adorable, discussing his fictional past as a film director, firefighter, ringmaster and personal valet to Sir John Gielgud.
Or maybe he just said that bears were nice? I forget. (And did I mention I haven’t gotten enough sleep?)
The next morning, the chefs get to the “kitchen” site and they see that they’ll be working with three fire pits, with only the supplies available on the back of a chuck wagon.
(Here, I have to admit that I cheated a little and saw that Tom mentioned in his blog that the pits weren’t charcoal or firewood-lit, but rather propane-powered. Which makes this entire challenge just a sorry excuse to see the chefs camp in the desert.)
Seeing the pits, Ashley and Laurine go right at them with confidence, with Ashley even having a plan to mitigate (what would have been) the uneven flame cooking conditions of the pit.
But the rest of them, for the most part, don’t come near the flames at all, since we’re all about the raw fish out here in the ooooold west.
BrotherMichael grouses some more as he makes his Asian concoction, Ron runs around looking for a sword and splashes coconut juice in everyone’s eyes and Mattin dances around like a little Basque elf.
Fakeout scene!
Kevin loves horseshoes. He’s particularly in love with the horseshoe pit at the site. He actually grew up with a regulation horseshoe pit in his backyard. ... Which could explain the Deliverance look.
Fakeout scene over!
Finally, the judges and the (attractiveness challenged) cowpokes arrive for lunch.
The food is served and the parade of ceviche is on. As the dishes are sampled, we see that Robin’s “drunken prawns” seem to be drunk on Clorox, which makes everyone gag.
Then they get to the ceviche served 17 ways made by Poor Mattin. (Did I mention that I need to be nice since I may be seeing him soon?) It’s an unmitigated disaster. In fact, it’s so bad that the diners fear that the seafood may be too deadly to actually eat. Tom even gets up from the table and tosses his mouthful of Mattin under a prickly pear.
Ouch.
Otherwise, the dishes seem anywhere from ordinary and acceptable (Ash, Jennifer, Eli) to marginal with a side order of godawful coconut mojito (Ron).
Judges’ Table
Back in civilization, Padma calls up the chefs with the four top dishes: BrotherBryan, BrotherMichael (a-gain) and Ashley and Laurine.
The women get their attagirls from the judges who congratulate them on a.) being just about the only chefs to actually use the firepits b.) finally making something that gets them out of their perpetual bottom-dweller status. And, as good as that is, it seems a foregone conclusion that the two have just gotten their A for Effort award and will go no further today.
It’s the Brother Show again before the judges. Bryan The Cooking Automaton and Michael The Sourpuss have yet again made the best dishes, with Bryan wowing everyone with his fish dish and Michael with his Asian creation.
But in the end, the winner of the useless challenge is ... BrotherBryan! (Yea.)
We expect the noogies and wet willies to continue off-camera.
Then it’s time for the losers ... Mattin, Robin and Ron.
During the Q and A, the judges express their dismay at Mattin and Robin for having served what amounted to inedible food. But while Robin admits that her shrimp were awful (having tasted them only after having served), Mattin, incredulously defends his offering as having been good.
As for Ron, the judges feel that his ceviche was a tad too sweet, but otherwise OK. It was his unnecessary coconut mojito which was so painful that it put him in the bottom three. Asked about this, he admits to two completely idiotic moves. One, he made the drink as a a throwaway item since he had a lot of leftover coconut juice. And, two, he has no idea how to make a drink, since he doesn’t drink.
(Er, excuse me, mister, but I was an expert bartender at age seven when I was mixing highballs for family guests, Mad Men-style. And I didn’t start tossing those back myself for at least another year or two.)
After the usual deliberations, Padma calls the losers back up.
“Mattin, please pack your cute little neckerchief and go.”
And, with that, he was gone. Voila.
Next time on Top Chef: Er, you expect me to remember that, too? Did I mention I’m writing this at 20,000 feet with little sleep. ... Aaaaa! There’s someone out on the wing!!
Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: What (Emaciated) Women Want
September 10, 2009
Previously on Project Runway: Your gentle blogger decided that he needed to get away from the computer for five minutes and punted a recap. The designers made dresses which were supposed to be beachwear and avant-garde, but ended up being generally dull. Ra’mon was saddled with Mitchell The Anchor and still managed to win. And despite friction between Qrystil and Epperson, Mitchell was sufficiently useless that he was sent home despite having been on the winning team.
Ok, so here’s the thing. I just can’t deal. So here’s what happened as well as I can remember.
We still have too many designers to follow. The designers (as seen on the previous week’s model show) trade models and some skinny chick who worked with either Qrystil or Epperson took a hike which made her BFF cry.
This week, Mistress Heidi announces that, waiting back in the workroom, are their clients who will need dresses made for them. This leads Nicolas to think that they could be anything from mail ladies to circus freaks. But, since this is not the mostly model-less Season Five, we’re not surprised to learn that the models are the clients. Think of it as the bizarro "real women" challenge.
They have some kind of artificial “model party” to attend and will need dresses that will make them stand out. Whoopee.
During their consultations, we learn that some of these chickies are clearly out of their minds. Most notably, Epperson’s model who wants something that’s punk-romantic-tiger-fierce-algebraic-chickensalad.
Irina’s model also proves that while she may look good in clothes, she has no idea what makes clothes look good. She wants some kind of head-to-toe royal blue nonsense. Thankfully, the designer manages to disabuse her of this notion. (Or maybe this was Shirin. I have such trouble telling these Persian beauties apart.)
Logan (this season’s shirtless designer) has a model who clearly wants Kenley Collins as her designer, since she’s desperate for a ‘50s dress. Logan barely has the first clue what to do with that, but is up for the challenge. The model complicates matters further, saying she’d also like it to incorporate some Stevie Nicks “Leather and Lace.” Foolishly, Logan attempts to comply with this request.
When Tim makes his Tim-around he breaks the record for most “talk to me”s in one show. He worries that Carol Hannah’s look may age her model. He seems happy that Epperson managed to get his wacky model’s requests under control. And he’s REALLY concerned that Logan’s cursed himself by suggesting his dress could be deemed ready for the “Smurf Prom.”
(There’s a dirty joke in there about crinoline gathered about Smurfette’s ears, but I’m not making it.)
When Tim sees Qrystil’s creation, which isn’t altogether awful, he’s worried that it looks like an unmade bed. Taking the hint, The Q decides to, very late in the game, scrap her dress entirely and make some quickie black jersey number.
The day of the runway show, Logan dons his lucky shiny jeans which are meant to distract the judges from his dress, but only serve to turn on Johnny.
Come time for the Runway show, we see that Ra’mon (who was barely seen this time out) has made a bright blue number sporting a rosette the size of a Buick LeSabre. Gordana’s dress looks like something Heidi would wear to greet the designers (if she were to wear something that wasn’t quite sewn properly). And Althea’s pulled off a rather sexy take on a three-piece suit, with a jacket, shorts and a top.
Naturally, all the other designers thought it was a mess before it hit the runway.
Oh, and did I mention that Michael Kors is still M.I.A.? And it seems he’s taken Nina Garcia with him, since she’s nowhere to be found either. In their place, we have a Gillian look-a-like, some other random fashion chick … and Jackie Rogers, Jr.
It’s actually very sad.
When the tops and bottoms are pulled out, I honestly can’t tell which ones the judges are going to like and which ones they’re going to hate.
Carol Hannah’s dress, which earlier Tim thought might have looked too old for the model, is praised. (Personally, I neither hated nor loved it.)
Heidi gets gay gasps all around when she utters the dreaded “bridesmaid” word about Johnny’s purple party dress. He’s told that the dress is disgustingly “wearable.” Surprisingly confident, the designer welcomes the critique, saying he’ll learn from it “next time.” (I imagine he’ll take the criticism and make an outfit that bears a sharp resemblance to a prickly pear next time.)
Epperson’s Stripperella dress is actually praised saying it looks “like it was painted on.” Considering you could say the same thing about a muffin-topped mallrat in stretch jeans, I don’t see how that specific critique is a compliment. But what do I know?
Qrystil’s number is a total snooze. And as “don’t bore Nina” is the most important all-purpose advice any designer has ever gotten on this show, the fact that it’s so dull seems like it’s going to be the kiss of death for our cheery bad speller. Even if Nina is off big game hunting for orange-tinged fashion designers this week.
Within seconds of the questioning starting, it seems pretty clear that Althea’s walked away with this. I mean, when all four judges threaten to mug your model, strip her bare and fight like Carringtons over the remains of her undergarments, you know you have won this round.
In the end, it’s La Q who is auf’ed. Which is rather sad.
On the bright side, though, this gives her more time to shop for vowels.
Next time on Project Runway: It’s all in black-and-white. Yes, dresses made out of newspaper and magazines. See, there’s hope for dead tree media after all!
Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Cooking For Le Unicorn (Or, What Gaul!)
September 9, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs cooked for airmen. Mike went from being part of the top team (alongside challenge winner BrotherMichael) to the bottom three. There, Mike, Preeti and Laurine learned that it’s never a good idea to make a salad on this show. In the end, Team Rainbow took its first hit and Preeti was sent packing.
Morning after footage.
Chef Hector makes Cuban Puerto Rican coffee for Chef Ash. This is to put (more) hair on the sexy chef’s chest. Feeling left out Chef DoucheyMike (who, for today, shall be less Douchey), says that he could use more hair on his chest. (Like I really wanted to know that.)
Chef Dizzy Robin ruminates on the fact that the first three chefs to head out the door have been women. This worries her … and sets up this week’s loser edit.
With that, the chefs head off to … not the Red Roof Inn Resort & Casino™. Instead, they’re delivered to another palace of one-armed bandits (even if they don’t have arms anymore). There, they are greeted by Tom and famed French chef Daniel Boulud.
Quickfire Challenge
They’re at the Gaul’s restaurant at said chinka-chinka palace. And, in homage to their guest judge, this week’s Quickfire will be French-themed and will require appropriate French Foreign Legion headgear.
Oh, and one more thing. It’s another “high stakes” Quickfire.
“Whee!” think the chefs.
But instead of winning a $15,000 poker chip to be lost at the tables within hours, this time the high stakes will be that the winner will get immunity in the Elimination Challenge … and the loser will go home.
“Gulp,” think the chefs.
And the challenge will be to create a dish using a typical French cuisine ingredient which hasn’t really caught on stateside. Namely, escargot, or as you SVINE call zem, “snails.”
Mike (who has a Greek/Cretin Cretian background) and Chef Mattin (our resident snail eater) grin big, knowing that they have this one in the bag, owing to their personal histories.
Chef Jennifer, meanwhile, explains to us that snails are not the easiest thing in the world to cook well. And she shows that she can curse just as well as the boys.
Tom makes his first grammatical mistake of the hour and they’re off!
Kitchen flurry!
Chef Sad Ashley is worried. Chef Kevin explains some technical flavor issues involved which, naturally, go completely over my head. And Hector reminds us that French cooking is about the furthest thing from what he normally does.
Suddenly, Chef Ron and Robin have this week’s kitchen mix-up when they disagree about whose snails were where and who took them and such. (Not that this is particularly important, but we have this loser edit storyline we have to work, ya know.)
Mike explains that food from Crete will often incorporate snails. Mattin also expresses his familiarity with it, saying that in addition to “snips” and “puppy dog tails,” snails are one of the main things he remembers about his childhood.
(Personal aside: Pardon the interruption. But I had to share. See, when I was a kid, my dad said I could refuse to eat anything as long as I actually tried it first. For some reason, I tried escargot and fell in love with them. For years afterwards, I would confuse waiters far and wide who couldn’t understand how the snails were for the kid in short pants and not for his dad. … Ironically, having some really horribly prepared ones atop the Eiffel Tower a few years back made me stop craving them altogether.)
Now, back to our show.
As they cook, Ashley tells us that it would be “awesome” if she could win this Quickfire. (And it would be grand if Rush Limbaugh fell into a volcano tomorrow, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen either.)
Time!
The first three chefs, Ron, Jennifer and Chef Jesse (who this week is dressed as the train conductor from Conjunction Junction) present their dishes.
(Since each of the chefs made snails -- and I couldn’t tell you what’s in a Provençal over what’s in a McDLT -- I’ll skip the details of each snail dish.)
Daniel likes the yuzu in Jennifer’s dish. Ron’s evokes no comment. And Jesse’s “E.L.T.” (which I totally don’t get) merits an “interesting.”
Next come InvisiChef Laurine, Hector, Robin and Ash.
Laurine’s is “very nice.” Hector’s Caribbeanails gets no comment. Robin’s “play on bagels and lox” (??) earns a simple nod. Ash, I suppose, doesn’t matter, since we don’t even see what he made.
The next batch of snails come from Chef Eli, Kevin, Mattin and Ashley.
Mattin’s “I know snails” snails gets no comment. Ashley’s escargot soup gets another “interesting.” Kevin’s bacon jam-assisted dish elicits an intriguing “how’d you do that?”-type question from Daniel. And it’s Eli’s turn not to count here.
Lastly, dishes are served by Chef BrotherBryan, Chef BrotherMichael and Mike.
BrotherBryan’s foamy dish gets no comment. BrotherMichael’s gets another “interesting.” And Mike’s also earns an “interesting.”
The chefs are all gathered to hear the results. It’s agreed that, all in all, the dishes were “interesting.”
Thank you. Now go home.
But seriously … the three best dishes were from … Mike, Kevin and (oooh, favoritism! thinks Mike) Jennifer. And the winner is … Kevin! (Yea!) He wins immunity and a “special treat” to be announced later.
Now for the losers. The three least favorite (or least "interesting”) dishes were from … Robin The Unfocused, Ashley The Forlorn and Jesse The Perennial Loser.
But there’s a catch. Each of these three will get one more shot, a SYTYCD “Dance For Your Life” as it were. They will have 20 minutes to run back to the kitchen and prepare an amuse bouche. We’ll see if they know what “one-bite dish” means and the one with the worst one will go home.
Go!
Kitchen Gynoflurry!
Ashley spends her time cursing. Jesse makes one every night at her restaurant and is cool with this. And Robin has had them, but has never made one and is worried … and unfocused.
Time’s up!
Robin’s made an avocado soup with (today’s secret ingredient) yuzu. Jesse made a tuna tartare which looks suspiciously like it’s more than one bite. And Sad Ashley made a fois gras with pineapple.
We have to wait until everyone’s gathered out front again before Tom delivers the verdict. He says he and Daniel liked all three, but each one could have been just slightly better, each for very small, technical reasons. But in the end, there has to be one loser.
Appropriate to her headgear, Jesse is again riding the caboose.
“Jesse, please pack your knives and leave.”
(“Leave?” Not, “Go?” Hasn’t Tom been watching this show? Or does Padma have the patent on that particular turn of phrase?)
Elimination Challenge
Out comes the knife block. And, as the winner of the Quickfire, Kevin doesn’t draw.
As the chefs pull knives, they see that on each of them is the name of either a traditional French protein or a traditional French sauce. The challenge will be that, working in teams of two, the chefs will create a dish marrying their chosen protein to another’s chosen sauce.
(No, this is not another Las Vegas wedding-themed challenge. Besides, marriage is between one man and one woman. Marriage of sauce to protein is an abomination.)
Mattin is sure that, in this challenge, all eyes are on him. (This may or may not be owing to the fact that he played Frenchy in his high school production of Grease.)
Tom explains that for this challenge, the chefs will be preparing their dishes for a bunch of super-famous, world-renowned French chefs. In fact they’re so famous that one isn’t even allowed to use their names on the internet for fear of disclosing their top secret whereabouts. (Who am I kidding? I just don’t want to have to figure out how to spell these guys’ names.)
But the most famous of these super-chefs is the legendary Joël Robuchon. Tom tells us that Robuchon was named the Chef of the Century. This which makes me wonder. Since this century’s kind of new, was he the chef of the last century or are we expecting that no one in the next 91 years can rise to his greatness? Just curious.
Now, no one really knows if this Robuchon actually exists, as there are only grainy black-and-white photographs of this “man,” mostly taken by drunk ice fishermen and souvenir-hawking salesmen in the South of France. But if anyone can conjure him up, I’m sure Tom and Padma can.
Kevin, as the winner of the Quickfire, will not need to compete and will, instead, get to eat alongside these titans of cuisine. Naturally, he is bowled over. He worships Chef Robuchon, and tells us that he owns every cookbook, notebook, file-o-fax and toilet stall graffiti the man has ever written, in English, French and Klingon.
Immediately, the chefs begin to pair up into the most logical protein/sauce pairings.
Those work out to be:
- Laurine and Eli: Lobster avec sauce Américaine.
- Mike and BrotherBryan: Trout avec sauce Bearnaise.
- Jennifer and BrotherMIchael: Rabbit avec sauce chasseur (which I thought would be “sauce of socks” until I remembered that that would be sauce chausettes. That would be quite a nifty challenge, though.)
- Ash and Hector: Chateaubriand avec sauce au Poivre.
- Ashley and Mattin: Young chicken avec sauce Velouté.
- Robin and Ron: Frog legs avec sauce Meuniére.
They head off to the Must Defeat Obamacare Market™ to shop. There, we see Mattin disabusing Ashley from using asparagus in her sauce, which she tells us is a fancy version of “gravy.” Ashley, now wearing her fancy tuxedo t-shirt from the Blake Lewis Collection™, tells us she’s letting FrenchyMattin take the lead on this, since he should know what he’s doing.
Oh, and we also get more “loser edit” shots of Robin being wild and unfocused, accompanied by the obligatory “comic relief” score. I believe the piece’s official name is “Le Hareng Rouge.”
As they shop, we see the overwhelming favorites, Teams BroChick and BroDouche engage in some sibling horseplay in the market, racing carts down the aisles, smacking each other and dangling loogies inches from each others faces. (I fully expect Tom to arrive and threaten to turn this show around right now.)
The chefs get back to the kitchen and start to work. Ash makes a joke about a “Puerto Rican and a gay guy” who have to cook a meal, which makes me wonder why I can’t cook since I’m both.
Ash and Hector get to work on their steak and sauce. Jennifer and BrotherMichael work like a well-buttered machine. And Mattin schools Ashley on the inherent superiority of all things French. (I suspect he’ll have her wearing a “I ♥ Jerry Lewis” t-shirt before the hour is up.)
Over on team BroDouche, BrotherBryan describes his novel approach to preparing his trout while Mike tells us that he wants to approach his Bearnaise sauce in a new fashion. As such, Mike works on a “deconstructed” Bearnaise sauce, taking his cues from Bryan, who has made this before.
When we hear the comedy theme come back up, we can tell it’s time for More Fun With Loopy Robin and Sour Ron! In a craftily edited segment we’re made to think that Robin manages to talk for three minutes solid without needing a breath. (You doubt? Look at it again and see if you can spot the edit points.)
And before you know it, it’s time to pack their food in Tupperware™ and head back to Casa Cuisine for some R&R.
Fakeout Scene!
It’s Mattin’s 29th birthday! And in typical French fashion, he celebrates it by gallivanting about in his tiny red underwear and getting his face pushed into his cake. After too much l’alcool, he climbs into the hot tub where he removes his moist sauce chausettes for your viewing pleasure.
Fakeout Scene over!
The next morning, the inky chefs try not to freak out over their upcoming brush with greatness. The chefs (minus Kevin, who won’t be competing) head off to the Loch Chef Monster’s kitchen to make the dish of their lives.
Risée cuisinière!
Eli tells us how he’s excited to finally get confirmation that the mythical Robuchon is actually a real person. “I pretty much was under the impression that he didn’t actually exist and that me might be a unicorn.”
That gives me an idea. Next week’s challenge: Cooking unicorn. Let’s see you pull that one off.
We check back in with this week’s comedy duo and see that Robin’s sauce is exceedingly vinegary. This makes Ron make a face. We can’t really tell, though, if it’s because of Robin, her sauce or his deep-seated resentment of the French, his being a Hatian and all.
“We don’t like them. They don’t like us.”
(You know, this rather explains his offhanded “Frenchy” put-down towards Mattin last week.)
With a half-hour to cook, Mike make a brave attempt at being actually likable (which almost works), Eli and Laurine worry about their lobster getting overcooked and Mattin gets a tad overconfident about his bacon-y sauce.
Elsewhere, Hector and Ash start to go into panic mode. It seems their meat isn’t as hot as it needs to be and time is running out. Fast.
Next, we see the mythical pantheon of palates arrive. Kevin swoons before their greatness and then it’s time for …
Let’s Dish The Dishes!
This week’s player is Chef Eli! He describes Robin and Ron’s dish as “sitting on top of a beautiful wilted salad of dead greens and overly caked frog legs.” He adds that it looks “awesome.”
Good play! Now, service!
Padma introduces Tom, Gail and the rest of Le Mount Rouchmoure of food and here we learn that Bigfoot Robuchon doesn’t speak English and will be assisted by le beau traducteur.
First up, Ron and Robin’s frog legs. How awful will they be? Considering the edit, they must be awful. But the judges don’t have much bad to say about it, saying that at least it shows some originality and creativity. Plus, they make allowances for how hard it is to cook frog legs.
Next is Mike and BrotherBryan’s trout with deconstructed Béarnaise. Everyone loves it. The sauce is impressive and the trout is exceptional. And Robuchon’s French makes Gail feel all tingly downstairs. (Or so it seems.)
Serving third are Eli and Laurine with their lobster dish. Generally, it’s liked. But it loses on the details, what with the lobster being slightly overcooked. Still, it gets the backhanded compliment of being good “for someone with no classical French training.”
After that come Mattin and Ashley with their young chicken with “I’m the French guy here” sauce. Cue the Hubris Violoncello. Mattin presents his dish IN French which, oddly, gets praise from Robuchon who notes that Mattin speaks French very well. (Er, wouldn’t he be able to tell that the youngster is French, or does his dish belie that fact?)
The diners find the chicken bland and the sauce really bacon-y. Tom says that it’s so bacon-y that it disproves the adage that “everything is better with bacon.”
Ouch.
Next out are Jennifer and BrotherMichael with their rabbit. Here they note that rabbit is very hard to cook well, but this one is prepared perfectly. Tom notes that while the two chefs are young, this is “very mature” work. High praise indeed!
Back in the kitchen, though, the wheels are coming off for our last team, Hector and Ash. Hector finally gets to pull his meat out of the oven and, without having time to let it “rest,” he starts cutting it frantically while Ash sauces those he can in the brief time left.
The two march into the dining room of doom. “Where’s the sauce?” “The cooking is so bad … “ “It looks like it’s been hacked with an axe.”
Oh dear.
In the final analysis, the superchefs have high praise for the dishes and expect to see (some of) these chefs among the greats of the future with Gail adding that this is the first season where such greatness could be achieved this early in the season.
Awww, we love Gail. … And now I’m hungry.
Back in the Stewed Room, Kevin joins his colleagues and shows off his p-p-p-poker face. Asked which of the dishes were the diners’ most and least favorite dishes, he pleads total ignorance. (I now dub thee SlyBear.)
Judges’ Table
Padma appears and calls forth Mike and BrotherBryan, Jennifer and BrotherMichael. As if you didn’t see that coming.
Before the judges, the four are shining examples of camaraderie, professionalism and teamwork. They say what they each did and praise their teammates for what they did.
It’s heartwarming.
And it makes for shitty comedy.
At least BrotherMichael pulls out an “awesome” somewhere in there.
After the love-fest, Daniel declares that the winner is … BrotherBryan! (Yea!) There’s a tinge of disappointment on Jennifer and BrotherMichael’s faces, but they’re good sports about it.
As the winner, Bryan will earn not only immunity, but will also get to stage (look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls) for a week with Chef Robuchon. (Wow. Seriously. Wow.)
Now, for the losers. Calling up … Ash and Hector, Mattin and Ashley.
(Hold up! We were fed this whole Robin and Ron are toast bit for the last hour!)
Doomgong!
Under the heat lamp, Mattin and Ashley are slammed for their too-bacon-y, too gravy-ish sauce. And upon questioning, Mattin becomes peevish. He quickly tries to blame Ashley for the asparagus on the plate, but suddenly develops amnesia when it’s suggested that asparagus in the sauce would have helped and they ask if he shot down that idea.
He makes some pathetic comment about this being “his first shot,” as if it wasn’t everybody’s. And then the interrogation turns to Team GayRican.
Ash attempts to explain how his sauce was actually on the plate, but the unrested meat soaked it all up. Then it’s Hector’s turn to hang his be-capped head in shame over his poor cooking job on the meat.
He attempts to defend himself, saying that he shouldn’t have relied on the thermometer to gauge the meat’s readiness. But the judges actually feel it was more of matter of poor planning, since there would have been plenty of time to prepare the beef.
The four head back to the Stewed Room and Ash reflects on that being “the most unpleasant thing in the world,” when the judges point out just exactly what is wrong with things and the chefs know it.
As the judges work to come to their decision, I sit and wonder just what I thought before this whole thing started. On these shows, the person who is finally working in his or her own specialty, be it dance, song or cooking, is always gets tossed into the bottom since they’re judged more harshly for not being extraordinary when operating in their wheelhouse. So I fully expected Mattin to get the short end of the baguette this week before the show even started.
But what do the judges say?
As they deliberate, Tom notes that Mattin threw Ashley “under the bus” on the asparagus and …
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! If you had "Episode Four" and "Tom" for “under the bus” come on down and claim your Top Chef Designer Snuggie!
The chefs come back in.
Aaaaand … “Hector, please pack your knives and go.”
Awwww. Your gentle blogger makes the sound of the sad coquí for our fallen fast-talking compatriot.
Co-quí. Co-quí.
Next time on Top Chef: Cooking, dude ranch style! That Top Chef Master with the cowboy hat! Sand and 100 degree weather! Sucking on a piece of chlorine and Tom spitting his food out!
Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: Rumble On The Runway
September 3, 2009
Previously on Project Runway: The two dozen designers made maternity fashion. Malvin laid an egg and was sent crackin'.
OK, folks, it's like this. I can't cope. Between Top Chef, Project Runway, nice weather and a generally foul mood (despite the nice weather) I need to have a life. Hence, I can't do a real recap this week.
So this is what happened, mini-format-style.
The designers went to the beach. Tim Gunn was in flip-flops. Everyone was stunned.
The designers were split into teams of two. Qrystil and Epperson were a match made in hell and fought all the time. Mitchell The Model Jumper picked Ra'Mon Apostrophé to carry him through the challenge.
The producers attempted to have us believe that a woman in an Angela Davis 'fro was actually a surfer and not a model they picked up somewhere. Meanwhile Tim told the gang that they were to design beach wear.
Once they got going, Tim showed up to "surprise" them with the news that they'd have to make a second, avant-garde look to pair with the beach number.
Ra'Mon did more work. Mitchell sat around and was "funny."
Ra'Mon tried to make a scuba suit which Tim found ridiculous. Ra'Mon sent it to Davy Jones' Locker and started on something new. Later, Tim suggested he bring it back. "That's not helpful," deadpanned Ra'Mon.
Ra'Mon worked until the last second while Mitchell found new, sassy ways to say "Auf wiedersehen."
Carol Hannah's model left the competition because she was thinking Arby's. (Don't ask.)
Carol Hannah led the "awesome" sweepstakes, muttering that gawdawful word some four times in fifteen minutes.
On the runway ...
Nicolas made an avant-garde look that looked like it was straight from the Rock Of Love Bus.
Irina and Johnny made lovely macrame-inspired outfits.
When all was said and done, Ra'Mon and Mitchell were stunned to find themselves as one of the top two teams. And Ra'Mon really freaked out when he learned he was the winner.
But when it came to the questioning Epperson and Qrystil got all snappy with each other, Epperson proving that he's quite the prickly dickhead.
As folks were sent off to safety, we notice that Mitchell hadn't been sent back. The fact that he admitted to only having made a bathing suit which isn't even seen could be a factor here.
In the end, it's Qrystil (undeservedly) and Mitchell (most deservedly) on the runway.
And Heidi makes show history, sending one member of a winning team home, telling Mitchell "three strikes and your out."
Oh, and the models manage to provide all kinds of drama behind the scenes.
But, like I said, I don't have the time for this.
Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Thundercats, Go!
September 2, 2009
Previously on Top Chef: The 62 remaining chefs were grouped by genitalia to cater what we were led to believe would be dueling bachelor/bachelorette parties. Ashley took the opportunity to speak up about marriage equality while, elsewhere, our “sibling rivalry” storyline progressed nicely. The chefs with two X chromosomes were determined to have made the lesser meals and Eve Of The Flat “A”s was sent packing.
Morning-after footage. The female chefs ruminate on being the losing team last time. Chef Jennifer is pissed that she wasn’t among the top finalists this last time. Chef DoucheyMike finds it hysterical that he can subtract two from seventeen. And Chef Laurine speaks.
InvisiChefs speaking at this stage of the game is never a good thing.
Also on deck in the edit-of-doom batting box is Chef Jesse-Of-The-Masculine-Spelling. She’s really beating herself up since she’s been in the bottom of almost every challenge thus far. One more bottom-three finish and she may end up looking like a metallic Rhianna.
Quickfire Challenge
The Chef Caravan arrives at the Days Inn Resort & Casino™. What incongruous Vegas cliché will greet them in the kitchen today, pray tell? Shall we see a parade of Liberaces appear? Shall Cirque du Soleil acrobats be hanging from the rafters? Or will the kitchen simply be filled with this week’s mystery ingredient, cigarette smoke?
Let’s find out.
Once the chefs enter, they’re greeted by Padma and this week’s guest judge (and Top Chef Masters contestant) Mark Peel … and a table overflowing with … potatoes.
Yes, it’s the Slingblade challenge! The chefs will have 45 minutes to make an otherworldly dish involving potatoes. (And it is strongly recommended you make ample use of this week’s sponsored chicken broth if you know what’s good for you.)
Go!
Jennifer grabs mussels and gets to work. Chef Ron (Wasn’t that a movie? With Kurt Russell? No?) chooses some yellowtail snapper because he’s a cooking Bob Marley or some such. (Don’t expect it to make sense. That ganja does stuff to your brains.)
Chef Ash figures potatoes are boring, so he’s got the idea to make a sweet potato ice cream for his dish. (Interesting.)
Jesse opts to make soup because it is “comforting.” (She may need lots of soup before this is all done.)
DoucheyMike gets all douchey as he condescends directly through the fourth wall to explain that risotto is not rice itself, but rather a rice-like style of preparing something. (Douchieness achieved. Carry on.)
Chef Ashley, meanwhile, is making the risky choice of making gnocchi in 45 minutes, setting up … well, you just wait, missie.
Chef Preeti, on the other hand, is preparing some kind of colorful potato and vegetable combo. And as she works, Chef Kevin does her a favor by telling her that one of two large pots sitting on the stove is blanch water which she can use for her asparagus.
(Personally, I don’t get this, since I would assume Blanche water has something to do with the toiletries used in A Streetcar Named Desire. But what do I know?)
But here’s where the drama happens. In the time it takes Preeti to go off and cut her veggies, someone has moved the specified pot of water, leaving only the other one there. And that was water which had been set to boil by Ashley for her time-crunch gnocchi. Preeti throws her asparagus in the pot.
Oooh, I sense a lesbian fist fight a-comin’!
Suddenly, Ashley arrives to use her water and sees it has been usurped by the competition. Understandably, she’s pissed off and … and … somehow manages to complete her dish.
Hey! Wha’? We were promised a fist fight!
Even Chef Jennifer notes that had Preeti done that to her, she wouldn’t have been nearly as understanding.
Curious. This must have something to do with that secret lesbian code of ethics I don’t know about.
Elsewhere, Ash’s sweet potato ice cream is not coming together, as the ice cream maker is not turning it into, well, ice cream. He figures that cursing at the machinery, calling it a “mother-flower” should help.
As time runs out, Jesse tastes her soup and notices that it’s really spicy. But she had no time to remedy this. (D'oh!)
Time!
Padma and Mark arrive to taste.
Up first, Ash’s dish. Wisely, the chef decides to call it “a chilled sweet potato custard” instead of ice cream. And, interestingly, they seem to like it.
Next, Chef BrotherBryan’s potato thank-you-spellchecker vichyssoise. Nice.
Over to Preeti and her someone-else’s-water potatoes and veggies. Very nice.
Then it’s Chef BrotherMichael’s confit take on a tuna fish sandwich. Mixed reviews there.
Off to Jennifer’s potatoes three ways with steamed mussels. It certainly looks delicious. And it sounds like it tastes good too.
Chef Robin made three different potatoes and dropped a fried egg on top because breakfast is “one of (her) favorite meals” of the day. It’s right up there with lunch and dinner.
Chef Hector also made three potatoes. (Or a three-way of potatoes. I don’t know anymore, since this is all making me dizzy.) He’s my compatriota boricua, but it is damn hard to understand him when he gets going really fast. Could he just talk in Spanish and have someone provide subtitles for everyone else?
Laurine’s prepared an “out of the world, vegetarian” dish. (Did I miss somewhere that she’s a vegetarian chef? Because I’m sensing a repeating theme here.) What she has made is a potato burger, with the potato as the meat and portobello mushrooms as the bun.
Chef Mattin has made a poached cod with (you guessed it) three different potatoes.
(Does anyone remember that Schoolhouse Rock ditty, “Three Is A Magic Number?” Because I can’t get it out of my head now and I need to infect someone else with it if I am to get it out.)
Kevin’s decided to be a rebel and only use two different potatoes for his bacon-y dish. It also looks delish.
Next is DoucheyMike with his potato risotto. (Or is it risotto’ed potatoes, oh great teacher of the kitchen? I bow to your wisdom.) Mark find it “a little salty.” Da Douche makes sad face. Pityingly, Padma calls it “a nice idea.” Da Douche smiles broadly, thinking he’s getting some.
Then it’s Ashley’s turn. It seems she was somehow able to finish her potato gnocchi with mushrooms. Not only was she able to complete it, but she was able to make her own ricotta cheese to go with it. (Wha? Wow.)
Last -- at least, I hope he’s last because this is getting crazy -- is Chef Eli who is “from the South,” in case you need reminding. As such, he’s made a yam purée with pistachios. Clearly speaking with something in her mouth, Padma asks the chef if he shelled the pistachios himself. He did not, he replies. All “14 million pistachios” were pre-shelled. Which makes it all the more painful when she spits out the one shell that made it onto her forkful.
Ron (Damn! There are too many chefs!) presents his Sunsplash Reggae Festival yellowtail potato thing. Whatever.
And Jesse (Aren’t we done yet?!) finally gets to present her cayenne soup. It’s spicy. Really spicy. As she realizes this Jesse prepares to sock herself in the eye. (I have $10 down that Jesse takes herself down by a K.O. in the fifth.)
At last, we get though the kazillion dishes and Mark reveals his decision. Since he was just a contestant in the Top Chef Masters and didn’t do too well in the Quickfire, he is most delicate in his critiques, blaming most missteps on the time element.
His least favorite dishes were Eli’s too-sweet yams, Ron’s bland yams on overcooked fish and … Jesse’s over-spiced soup.
Pow! She gives herself an uppercut to the jaw! … That’s gotta hurt!
As for the favorites, Mark picks Jennifer’s potatoes and mussels, Ashley’s gnocchi and … Ash’s sweet potato not-ice-cream-but-custard.
Having predicted his would be the worst disaster, Ash just about bites through his cheek to keep from laughing at this point.
And the winner is … Jennifer! (Yea!)
DoucheyMike, say something douchey now.
“And Jen gets the win! It’s favoritism to me, at this point! YaknowwhatImean? Whatever! Whatever! YaknowwhatI’msayin’, so if I put a little potato broth on my plate, I’M gonna win? But, I don’t care. I’ll get her.”
Thank you. That’s two for two. But will you be able to pull off the douchey hat trick this week?
Elimination Challenge
Padma then announces the arrival of a “special” guest. A man in a uniform enters. He’s a colonel in the Air Force and, it seems pretty clear, a pretty important guy as these things go.
He announces that the chefs will be transported out to a nearby Air Force base which is home to the world-famous Rankin/Bass squad Thundercats. There, they will be preparing a meal for some 300 airmen and women and their families, many of whom have just returned from or will soon be deploying to combat zones. Oh, and there’s a twist.
The chefs will all be working as one team. And they won’t know what ingredients they will get to use nor their cooking conditions until they get there.
This throws most of the chefs into a tizzy.
Back at Casa Cuisine, the chefs gather for an impromptu meeting. Seeing as they’re all one big team here, they take the proverbial knife block into their own hands. Without being told to divide up, the gang, led by spokesdouche Mike (being quite reasonable, actually), comes to the conclusion that they will divide into seven teams of two, each team getting to make one dish. And since Jennifer won immunity in the Quickfire, she can be in charge of the whole operation.
If it goes well, she can get the credit. And if it doesn’t she doesn’t have to worry about being eliminated. (Plus, whomever she would be paired with wouldn’t have to worry about being the only possible knife packer.)
Since Jennifer does this kind of thing every day, she’s happy with that job.
And with that, the chefs pick “teams.”
- Preeti teams up with Laurine because they are both from San Francisco. The shall be Team Rice-A-Roni.
- Kevin and Eli pair up because they are both from Atlanta. And fat. They shall be Team Sweet Tea.
- DoucheyMike goes with BrotherMichael because they’ve worked together before. They shall be Team M4M.
- Having been deprived the option of working with his brother, BrotherBryan matches up with Mattin. They shall be Team Frere Jacques.
- Ashley teams up with Ash. They shall be Team Too Ashy (a/k/a Team Sexual Tension).
- Hector joins forces with Robin. They shall be Team Giant & The Bad Jew.
- Which leaves Jesse and Ron to be the final team. They shall be Team Weakest Link.
Ron complains about this assignation, since unlike Jesse, he hadn’t been in the bottom of an elimination challenge yet. (Sorry. Deal with it.)
Early the next morning, we get to see the chefs get ready to go to the base. And we notice that Robin has the exact same hair as Eli and DoucheyMike. (How did I not notice this before?)
The caravan then arrives at the base and the chefs get to see the kitchen. Let the cursing begin!
The kitchen is a standard-issue military one. This means that there are no stoves, pots or pans, only industrial vats I couldn’t begin to know names of. As for the food, the kitchen is stocked with hundreds of canned and dried foods, all of which are of this mysterious Black-And-White-Adhesive-Tape brand.
Jesse asks if this one black tape-covered item is Spam™. We never hear an answer. But one wonders how Bravo let that one slide.
Later, Kevin tells us that he wasn’t at all surprised by the military kitchen because, while in high school, he was part of the Reserve Officers' Training Chefs and it’s the same as he saw there.
As the chefs inspect the ingredients, BrotherMichael find a side of bacon and decides to do something with that. His teammate DoucheyMike volunteers to make a Greek salad to go with it.
With four hours to cook, Jennifer fulfills her role as executrix while everyone remains flummoxed by the lack of blenders, etcetera. And while cooking commences, let’s have the obligatory “we’re doing it for the troops” moment.
Step one, BrotherMichael salutes the troops. (And we learn that his and BrotherBryan’s sister is actually in the Air Force now.)
Step two, Preeti salutes the troops. She says that the tragedy of 9/11 is actually what made her want to become a chef.
“We all experienced the events of that day in many ways,” she says, “and for me the only thing that made sense was to cook. And then I went to culinary school a few years later.”
Huh? … Like, she figured if she became a chef, eight years later she could be good enough that she could compete on a reality show and make a pasta salad for the troops. … Or is there something I’m missing?
Is this a San Francisco thing that I’m just not getting?
Anyhoo ….
Salute over. Back to cooking.
While BrotherMichael works on his pork bellies in lettuce cups idea, Douchehead goes to work on his Greek shrimp salad. Which he’s sure will be a winner, because his background is Greek.
And BrotherBryan and Mattin get cracking on their creation, which Mattin says will be Franco-American SpaghettiOs. (Perhaps I heard that wrong.)
Kevin and Eli, meanwhile, are making a Southern cooking spectacular with pork shoulder and potato salad. This should ensure that our troops are as fit and ready for combat as an Army of fightin’ Art Smiths.
Over on Team “Oh No, Not Again,” Jesse tells Ron that she wants to make a New England clam chowder because it will be “really easy.” Ron, who is some kind of prize-winning chowderhead, thinks he can do this well, even if it’s something of a risk to make a hot, hearty soup on a blazing hot day in the desert.
What the hell, he figures. He’s doing it “for the troops.”
Elsewhere, Hector is explaining something about the dish he and Robin are making to Jennifer, who is busily taking notes, pretending mightily to understand what it is he just said. I can only assume she looked at the chicken in front of him and was able to figure it out on her own.
When he talks to us, he says something about Mexicans eating chili even though it’s hot there. He explains that because the chili’s hot, it makes you sweat and it “pulls you down.” (Coos you crown? Woos you noun?)
Team Ash² works on their bread pudding, which they hope will invoke the spirit of “you got your chocolate in my peanut butter; you got our peanut butter in my chocolate.”
Oh, I guess we’re not done saluting the troops. Ash, you’re up.
Step three, Ash salutes the troops. Without being asked, he tells that us that his father was in the Navy and his brother was a Marine. (THAT should have made for some interesting dinner table conversations.)
Salute finished, we next look in on Laurine and Preeti. They’re making a vegetarian pasta salad. (Ruh-row, Shaggy. Don’t they know that the flavorless combo of lesbians and pasta salad don’t go well together on this show?)
As the cooking progresses, Ron tells us that he and Jesse are worried that they’re not going to be able to get in to use the mondo-skillet (or whatever it’s called) in time. He notes that Preeti and Laurine are using it and “Frenchy” is set to use it next.
... Said the Haitian.
But one need not have worried, as Super Jen is running the kitchen like a well-oiled machine. She’s masterful and on-point. (I so want to marry this woman and have her boss me around. … Really. … Don’t ask.)
Cooking flurry!
The food is loaded up into the carts and it’s off to the hangar for lunch.
At the venue, the tables are set up and after some concern about Preeti and Laurine’s pasta salad and Jesse and Ron’s clam chowder, it’s time for service.
Moments later, a Humvee pulls up, and out of it steps a set of legs a mile long. We’re instantly transported to a ZZ Top video.
Once the dust clears, we realize it’s Padma and the gang, ready to sample the dishes. And right behind them come the 300 some-odd airmen and their guests.
Wait! Time to salute the troops again.
Step four, BrotherBryan salutes the troops. He says it’s a “proud moment.”
Salute over. Time to eat.
Hold on. Not done yet. Jesse? Have you saluted the troops yet?
“It’s an honor to …”
OK, you’re taken care of. Now can we eat?
Finally, Padma and the gang arrive at the first station.
They get to Preeti and Laurine’s pasta salad and DoucheyMike’s Greek shrimp salad.
This is followed by Jesse and Ron’s clam chowder and Hector and Robin’s three-bean chili.
Without pause, we move on to Kevin and Eli’s “taste of the South” braised pork shoulder with potato salad. Kevin has a bonding moment with the colonel over being from the South.
Oops! We forgot to have Kevin salute the troops. Kevin, you’re up.
“I take the military very seriously. My grandfather fought in World War II on D-Day ...”
OK. Now we know why this is a supersized episode. We need 15 minutes for each person seen on camera to make individual salutes.
Now, back to the food.
Hold up. Nope. We have to see the colonel thank the diners/airmen individually for their service. Now, back to Kevin about the importance of the military and … Now, back to the food.
The judges arrive at DoucheyMike’s station where he presents BrotherMichael’s pork belly lettuce-taco things which is followed by BrotherBryan and Mattin’s roasted beef strip.
Finally, the judges get to taste the food. While they do, we get to hear the diners enthuse on how good everything is. One gets the impression that there were no real missteps, so the judging will have to be on imagination and choice of dishes, I figure.
BrotherBryan and Mattin’s dish is praised. Preeti and Laurine’s pasta salad is considered a “half job” which was “too salty.”
Hector and Robin’s chicken chili gets high marks. Jesse and Ron’s clam chowder raises the expected questions about appropriateness, but it seems to work well for what it is.
Kevin and Eli’s pork shoulder is a definite hit. And BrotherMichael’s bacon pork belly is “super-mega delicious.” But they can’t stand DoucheyMike’s accompanying Greek salad.
Finally, Ash and Ashley’s bread pudding gets mixed reviews. It’s “a bit dense” but works as a peanut butter cup.
And with no dish on which to judge, they’re called on to rate Jennifer’s performance as executive chef. Since everything went well, they say that she did well. (But, oh, if they could have seen the job she did behind the scenes!)
Once the dining is over, we see the chefs pack up. And then the colonel gathers the chefs to salute them for saluting the troops. He honors them and then honors the service members’ individual service and then we all salute them again.
Oh, and we have to stop again since we never got to see Robin salute the troops. Robin, go!
“I got teary-eyed … We made our country proud.”
Salute. Applause. Tears. Salute done.
Nope. We missed Ron. Ron, salute!
“This is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. … But when it became a reality, it hit home.”
OK. Are we done now? Or are we going to make Frenchy salute too? (‘Cause I’m pretty sure they’re not his troops. And Bill O’Reilly tells us that the French HATE our troops, so that would be pretty unexpected.)
Fakeout scene!
Watch the straight boy chefs enthuse over big planes and such.
Fakeout scene over!
At long last, we’re back in the Stewed Room. Ash is heard saluting the troops, despite his being “a crazy pacifist.” We cut to Ashley who we figure is having an inner monologue about not being able to be part of that institution either. And then Padma arrives to call up the winning four, BrotherMichael, DoucheyMike, Eli and Kevin.
DoucheyMike whips out another one of his “cute” nicknames for the two Southern boys, “Come on, pork brothers!” and it’s off to …
Judges’ Table
Padma begins the questioning as the judges try to discern who deserves the individual win. We hear everyone talk about how they adored Kevin and Eli’s dish. And they’re all crazy about BrotherMichael’s pork creation also.
But during the Q and A, DoucheyMike lets on that the great pork taco thingy was BrotherMichael’s alone. He, instead, spent his time working on his lame Greek salad. (Ominously, nothing more is said about that.)
Mark gets to announce that the winner of the challenge is … BrotherMIchael! (Yea!)
BrotherMichael reminds us that, despite it not being a storyline this week, the “sibling rivalry” thing will continue, since each of them now has one elimination challenge win under his belt.
Padma then tells the winners to send in the losers, Preeti, Laurine … and, er, … DoucheyMike will have to come back in for that, too.
His DoucheyJaw drops.
“I’m frickin’ livid. I’m livid right now,” he tells us.
He heads back and delivers the news to the remaining chefs. They express shock that DoucheyMike is headed back in. “I guess it wasn’t a team today, but whatever, whatever.”
Moments later, the three losers are before the judges.
Doom gong!
Tom explains to the three that this week’s challenge was for them all to be one team and notes that they took it upon themselves to split up into pairs. (This lack of knife block, clearly, is to be the explanation for DM’s trip from the top to the bottom here.)
Still, DM is “downright pissed.” He explains that he just threw the Greek salad in as an afterthought. And that seems to be just what the judges did NOT want to hear.
Called out on that, he stammers.
“I wasn’t even sure about serving it,” he shrugs.
“Then you shouldn’t have served it,” shoots Padma. (Ooh, snap!)
The judges then direct their fire at the women. They break out the rubber hoses and Guantanamo devices to get one of the women to point at the other as the one who first suggested serving a pasta salad. The women, though, refuse to play along, frustrating the judges.
So, all they have to go on here is, basically, attitude. Laurine is somewhat apologetic about the dish, saying she forgot this was a competition. But Preeti gets defensive, suggesting that other dishes (namely, the clam chowder) weren’t very inventive either.
Getting nowhere with the women, Padma asks them if they BOTH would like to go home. “I would like NO ONE to go home,” answers Preeti.
“That’s not going to happen. Because this is a competition,” snaps Padma.
(TOP CHEF GAME ALERT: If you had Episode Three for first use of “this is a competition,” come down and claim your lifetime supply of Swanson’s Chicken Broth In A Box™ now!)
The chefs are sent away for the judges to deliberate.
DM is pouty. And the women express pride that they wouldn’t incriminate each other.
Once the judges have rehashed what they said already (and Gail reminds us that “this is a competition”), they have their decision.
The losers are called back in.
Blah, blah, blah. “This is a competition.” Blah, blah, blah. “That’s just not going to cut it.” Blah, blah, blah.
“Preeti, please pack your knives and go.”
And the Lesbian Pasta Salad Curse strikes again.
Next time on Top Chef: Cooking for some of the best French chefs in the world. And at the end of the Quickfire (!) one chef will be eliminated!
