Top Chef Las Vegas: Meatless Amidala

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Meatless Amidala
October 28, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The long-awaited Restaurant Wars episode took place. Team Brothers, Eli & Robin rose to the challenge and delivered the best restaurant in six seasons, despite BrotherMichael getting all dickish and Robin being … well, Robin. Team Kevin, Jen, DoucheyMike and Laurine fell apart and the Laurine The InvisiChef went home for her panicked front-of-house duties.

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OK, kiddies. I have a costume to pick out. (There’s nothing like waiting until the very last second, is there?) So, we’ll make this quick,

The chefs wake up and go back to their favorite topic of discussion: Why is Robin still here? Robin, meanwhile lives in her own little world where she’s really confident that she can win this thing.

Well, that’s the way I remember it.

And it’s off to the Howard Johnson’s Resort & Casino™ for the …

Quickfire Challenge

In the Kitchen O’ Logos, Padma introduces the chefs to some fancy, schmancy Italian food chef who I’m sure I would recognize if I knew about foodie things aside from this show. I’ll just call him Chef Boyardee.

Oh, and there’s a couch, TV tables and an archaic TV set up in the kitchen too. (How ancient is it? … It’s American made.)

The challenge, Padma reveals, is to honor this week’s archaic sponsor, TV Guide Magazine. (How ancient is it?  … It’s a magazine. On actual paper, even.) And in their honor, the chefs are to create a TV dinner inspired by a classic TV show.

Out comes the knife block and the chefs get a’pickin’.

• Chef Kevin gets … The Sopranos.

• Chef Jennifer gets … The Flintstones.

• Chef Robin gets … Sesame Street.

• Chef DoucheyMike gets … Seinfeld.

• Chef BrotherBryan gets … M*A*S*H.

• Chef Eli gets … Gilligan’s Island.

• Chef BrotherMichael gets … Cheers.

As they zip around and discuss their meals, allow me to suggest more apt pairings.

• Chef Kevin gets … The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin.

• Chef Jennifer gets … Wonder Woman.

• Chef Robin gets … My Mother, The Car.

• Chef DoucheyMike gets … Entourage.

• Chef BrotherBryan gets … The Six-Million Dollar Man.

• Chef Eli gets … The Teletubbies.

• Chef BrotherMichael gets … L.A. Ink.

But that’s me.

Robin babbles something about Sesame Street and thinks about Big Bird and big eyes. Eli thinks he’s cooking for a Jimmy Buffett concert. Kevin is concentrating on the “family” element of his show.

And DoucheyMike has never seen Seinfeld.

Really. In 20 years. I think he may be the only straight guy in the world who can say that.

(Oh, have I mentioned lately how much I hate it when people who want us to watch them on TV routinely say they don’t watch it themselves? I’m looking at you, Oprah.)

Come time to serve, we see that they aren’t so much making TV dinners, but rather regular dinners served in funky flatware with TV dinner-like compartments.

Kevin’s made a spicy meat’a’ball, which makes Chef Boyardeee happy.

Jennifer, who wanted to make something with a big bone, ended up making chicken. And not particularly well. (I suppose BrontoBurgers weren’t an option?)

Robin’s made the usual collection of random things on a plate, and that doesn’t go over well at all.

DoucheyMike, who I bet would make a mean knish with a black and white cookie (or even a tasty muffin-top), is stymied by not knowing a thing about the show. Hence, his sausage and peppers are irrelevant.

BrotherBryan, as expected, put thought into his dish and delivered a meat loaf and mom’s apple pie which he says would be the kind of down-home thing the soldiers on the show would want. (What? No kimchee?)

Eli seems to have actually delivered on the show concept, with a very island-centric offering with bananas and coconut.

And BrotherMichael made a grand take on bar food.

Chef Boyardee rules Robin and Jennifer had the two weakest dishes and Kevin and BrotherBryan had the best. And the winner is … Kevin! (Yea!)

And as his reward, Kevin will get to have his dish made into an actual frozen Swanson meal. (Did I miss them saying that the dishes would have to be the kind of things that could be frozen and reheated? Something tells me that would have been an important consideration here.)

Elimination Challenge

Padma tells the chefs that for the elimination challenge, they’ll be cooking at Tom’s Colicchio’s BeefHaus. So they better go back to the Casa Cuisine and prepare to cook all manner of steaks and flanks.

Later, we see the chefs rush into the kitchen at Tom’s Black Angus and drool over all the neatly chopped dead animals. And once we’ve gotten enough shots of them calling dibs on the animal parts, Robin calls out that Chef Tom has appeared in the kitchen.

And he has a special guest. Yes, it’s the star of such blockbusters as Domino One, Free Zone and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, Miss Natalie Portman.

We’ll pause here a moment to let DoucheyMike put eyeballs back in his sockets.

Naturally, Eli feels it’s his job to remind us that the actress was in the three far-superior Star Wars prequels. (If I’m not mistaken, I believe she essayed the role of Jar Jar Binks.)

The chefs, it seems, will be cooking for her and her hot friends. Oh, and did we mention she’s a vegetarian?

(I think I missed the part where Ashton Kutcher popped out from behind the meat locker here.)

Now, we all know we saw something like this on Top Chef Masters a few weeks ago, so I was bracing for another set of dietary limitations. But, no. She’s just a lacto-ovo vegetarian, not a vegan. And she doesn’t have a parade of Zooey Deschanel-like food allergies.

So, how will our merry troupe (and Robin) cope with this?

They all then make a mad dash for the produce locker and start fighting over their ingredients. DoucheyMike says he’ll make “scallops” out of leeks. Jen and Eli have to flip a dehydrated plant item to see who gets the big eggplant and who gets the small ones. (Eli wins.) And Robin just starts grabbing a few dozen different items she’s never used before because they look interesting.

While cooking, DoucheyMike lets on that he’s got this in the bag because not only does he have a host of vegan dishes on his restaurant’s menu, he was raised by a vegan mama.

(I imagine at hearing this reference to mom, Eli starts to get all homesick and goes off to write a note asking for a shipment of clean undies.)

As cooking proceeds, however, we see that DM is struggling. A pot he had set to boil earlier is barely warm. Eventually he realizes it’s because the pot (or the stovetop) is buckled and is not providing an even heat. Still, he decides to proceed with his boiled leeks-as-scallops plan.

Kevin The Meatmaster explains that he actually understands the challenge of a meatless meal, since he and his wife routinely go meatless for Lent every year.

(I’ve had people explain the psychological “benefits” of this practice. And, being a wicked, evil atheist, I certainly don’t get the supernatural ones. But I still don’t get it.)

BrotherMichael plans out a really complex battle plan. Jen says she would never be a vegetarian and is at something of a loss here. And Robin bounces around the kitchen like an out-of-control Roomba.

Come time for service, the star of Anywhere But Here and her hot friends (and one gay guy I swear I’ve seen on another one of these shows) take their seats.

BrotherMichael’s complicated dish involving a banana polenta is a serious hit with most everyone except Chef Boyardee, who thinks the combination is enough to make’a da’ mama cry.

Eli’s eggplant dish is also a success, I assume mostly for its dramatic look. (Call me a nut, but, while I’ll eat most anything, I really have a strong aversion to eggplant.)

Robin’s collection of random items on a plate does about as well as one would expect. Plus, the fact that she didn’t get superfluous garbanzo beans on all the plates causes some consternation.

When Jen serves her eggplant dish she is so rattled that she literally shakes as she sauces each of the diners’ plates, offering them each a lovely sauce design on their dinner outfits. Once the meal is eaten, the dish is considered too small to be considered an entree and gets slammed for being the usual collection of sides which vegetarians are normally offered.

DoucheyMike’s “scallop” leeks arrive with a thud. (How sad that he had to make such a poor impression on Natalie’s hot friends.)

Kevin’s kale and mushrooms dish, however, is considered hearty and delicious, despite the smokey kale being a tad strong.

And when it’s time for BrotherBryan to serve, he, for the first time, is seriously flustered. He doesn’t have enough time to put everything on his plate and is even reduced to tossing his garlic onto his plates all willy-nilly.

When the diners taste BrotherBryan’s dish, the Girls Go Wild. Padma talks about the garlic being a “prick on the tongue,” someone else says that it starts small “but gets big in your mouth” and a third finishes the fellatory triad with “as it should.”

My goodness!

(It’s such a shame DoucheyMike wasn’t in the room for that. I’m sure he’d have passed out from the blood rushing away from his head, he would have gotten  a concussion and I wouldn’t have to hear him speak again.)

But, as it was, we still have …

Judges’ Table

Padma arrives to call up the top three, Kevin, BrotherMichael and … Mommy’s Favorite Little Man, Eli.

The panel enthuses over the three dishes and, finally, Chef Boyardee names the winner: Kevin! (Yea!)

BrotherMichael is pissed. He even goes so far as to say (in interviews) that he could have made Kevin’s dish on his day off or in his second year of training. (I get the sense that he’s been building up to this for a while in the event that the cast will be one douche short soon.)

But the joke is on Kevin, since he’s saddled with a kitchen full of routinely malfunctioning GE™ Monogram appliances for having won this challenge.

Then it’s time for the losers … Robin (duh), DoucheyMike (yea) and … Jen (uh oh).

Despite being worried he could be making his first visit to the bottom three, BrotherBryan is safe.

The judges lambaste the three bottoms for their offerings. Poor Jen seems to have totally lost her early confidence over the past few weeks and it shows. Robin’s her usual mess and begins her usual word salad when asked about her dish.

And DoucheyMike can only respond with “whatever, whatever” and “it is what it is” when told that his dish wasn’t any good, even IF his leeks as “scallops” HAD worked out.

In fact, it’s pretty clear from his words and his stance that he feels that, as long as Robin’s still around, he’s in no danger of ever leaving.

Which makes it all the richer when Padma intones …

“Mike, please pack your knives and go.”

“Whatever, whatever.”

Whatever, whatever, indeed.

At least I can stop having to identify the brothers as Brothers now.

Next time on Top Chef: With DoucheyMike Bravo is needing to fill their douche quota for the week, so they’ve brought back some winning (and losing) chefs for a dinner (and week of competition?) and made sure to have Marcel come back to be extra douchey. Mmm, vinegary!

Top Chef Las Vegas: Previews

Hey gang! Check out this delicious pair of previews in advance of tonight's episode!

From Bravo: This week on a new Top Chef: Las Vegas, the chef'testants are faced with a TV dinner Quickfire Challenge -- inspired by a list of TV shows compiled by the editors of TV Guide! The remaining chef'testants visit Tom's restaurant, Craft Steak at the MGM Grand, and are tasked with cooking for Oscar winner Natalie Portman and friends -- but are met with an interesting twist that makes their mouths drop.

Now, why can't I stop humming this old ZZ Top song called "TV Dinners?"




TV Dinners



It's Natalie Portman

Project Runway: Around The U.S.A. (And Parts Of The Mediterranean) In Two Days

Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: Around The U.S. (And Parts Of The Mediterranean) In Two Days
October 22, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: The legendary Bob Mackie made an appearance. And he brought the formerly slutty, now Tony Bennett-approved Christina Aguilera along with him. And to honor him, the contestants made a series of really boring spangle dresses. Carole Hannah won for making a feather-bedecked gown which was the least boring outfit. And Poor Shirin wasn’t able to “make it work” and was sent packing to the gasps of the audience.

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Zip, zip, zip. Here goes.

After last week’s stunning ousting of Shirin, the designers are doing the whole “anyone could go” dance that happens at this stage of these things.

Heidi makes her appearance on the runway and makes some cryptic comment about “around the world” and some fancypants world-famous designer waiting for them on Rodeo Drive.

We get the obligatory, “Oh, this could mean anything!” nonsense before we see the gang march their little designer asses into Michael Kors’ Rodeo Drive store.

Well, considering he’s barely been on this season, the now-uncharacteristically pale Kors could qualify as a “special guest” at this stage.

Kors proves that he’s really awful at reading cue cards (see entry, Heidi Klum, Season One) and with Tim Gunn he says some rot about global appeal. Hence the challenge will be for each of the designers to pick one of seven global locales (presumably where Kors has stores) and design a dress inspired by them.

Yes, it’s an “Around The World” challenge. And by “The World” we mean five U.S. cities, the Mediterranean playground/‘70s disco act of St. Tropez and the nation of Greece.

Hell, Americans don’t know geography, so maybe they think “Aspen” and “Palm Beach” are exotic overseas locales too.

Anyway, the designers pick cities and the match-ups go like this:

• Carol Hannah picks Palm Beach (Florida, U.S.A.)

• Irina picks Aspen (Colorado, U.S.A.)

• Gordana picks New York City (New York, U.S.A.)

• Nicolas picks Greece (a foreign country)

• Althea picks St. Tropez (France, or a shade of Ban De Soleil tan)

• Christopher picks Santa Fe (New Mexico, U.S.A.)

• Logan is left with Hollywood (California, U.S.A.).

“I know I’m gonna be O.K. Yea, It's a party in the U.S.A.”

After two days of the usual workroom drama and Tim’s “talk to me”s, we see that …

• Irina is still in the running to be the show’s all-time snottiest smack-talker,

• Gordana is worried that she’s only made a fancy necklace and doesn’t have an actual “dress” made,

• Nicolas isn’t really aware what a “Greece” is,

• Christopher (who has does a great Michael Kors impression) is focusing on making a cool belt to be paired with a dress that would fit in nicely at the Juniper Creek compound on Big Love,

• Carol Hannah is making a variation on the dress she’s wearing,

• Logan is trying to make a coke-and-clubbing outfit for Lindsay Lohan,

• And Althea is still on this show.

When the runway show gets underway, we see that not only do we have an actually FUN guest judge in actress/fashionista Milla Jovovich, but for the first time since Dick Cheney shot that guy, we have Michael Kors and Nina Garcia in the judging chairs.

The Fashion Show Runway show starts!

Gordana’s made a gorgeous necklace which is attached to a very sheer, yet elegant short gray dress (which makes me wonder if they used the model’s nipples to cut the gemstones in the necklace). The judges think it does reflect New York City, Park Avenue glamour.

Still, when they praise her outfit, she almost manages to talk them out of liking it, saying that it wasn’t as good as she would have liked it to be. (Great strategy, Gordana!)

Christopher made a pretty late decision to cut 20 inches off the bottom of his prairie dress. As a result, he presents an intricate belt attached to a dress appropriate for your average modern, fun-loving, street-walking sister-wife. The judges don’t think it says “Santa Fe,” but they do like the belt.

Irina Of The Shitty Personality shows (again) that she’s really far-and-away the most talented designer left. In interviews, she had sniped that the rest of the designers spend all their time yakking and then complain that they don’t have time to finish their outfits and that she spends it sewing.

She shows off an outfit with well-made pants, a cowl-neck sweater and a faux fur vest. The judges agree that her look is detailed and it does suggest Aspen. (And while I agree, I think it looks more “Chrissy Snow Visits Aspen In 1978” than anything current.)

Carol Hannah (who has a model who really could sell ANY outfit) presents a green-patterned maxi-dress with a braided/knotted detail along the bust and back. The judges think it really does suggest Palm Beach and could work for a variety of women, dressed down for the beach or up for a more elegant look.

Logan, meanwhile, has made a look I could SWEAR I saw Lindsay Lohan wearing in some mug shot someplace. It’s white denim pants with a striped top and suspenders. There is nothing bad about it. There is also nothing even remotely interesting about it. The judges feel pretty much the same way.

Nicolas’ look leaves me a tad confused. It features a white top which features a series of curious cross-chest strips of fabric (which is actually somewhat interesting). And it’s paired with gray slacks. It’s pretty clear that he didn’t know the first thing about Greece.

(On the Models show, we find out that his model had been to Greece and had mentioned to him that the heat is so bad there that women never wear slacks there. And he still went ahead with his pants plan.)

Kors thinks the look is more Grease the movie than Greece the country. (It’s so nice to have Mr. Tangerine Man back!) And the others think that if the concept of the top was carried through to a skirt, it could have worked.

And Althea made another nice outfit.

After the judges look at everything, Althea is sent off as the sole middle-of-the-pack’er.

This leaves me to guess who’s a top and who’s a bottom this week. As usual, I’m wrong again.

The judges think Irina’s, Gordana’s and Carol Hannah’s looks were the best and Christopher’s, Logan’s and Nicolas’ were the worst.

(OK. I was close. I actually thought they’d like Nicolas’ and dislike Gordana’s.)

Side note: Throughout the judging Gordana and Nicolas have an odd non-verbal bonding thing going with Milla. Must be that secret Eastern European mind meld.

After the deliberations, Carol Hannah is sent away.

And the winner of the challenge is … Irina!

(Not that she didn’t deserve it, but OY how that’s gonna make her that much more snotty next week!)

Gordana is told to grow a pair and have confidence in her design before she’s sent away. She gives the guest judge a secret Slavic hand signal (Translation: “We attack at dawn!”) and she heads away.

Logan is told to design something interesting next time and is sent away.

Leaving Christopher and Nicolas as the Last Gays Standing.

OK, I’m pretty sure Christopher hits the road this week, so let me get up and get some Scooby Snacks.

From the other room I hear …

“Nicolas … You are out.”

Wha?? The Feather Prince went down?

If I knew he’d’a been goin’ I’da baked a cake.

Next time on Project Runway: We get an answer to the question we’ve all been asking for weeks. “What do the backs of the designers’ heads look like?”

Top Chef Las Vegas: Bleepin’ Restaurant Wars!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Bleepin’ Restaurant Wars!
October 21, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The “We Hate Robin” traveling road show was in full effect. The Brothers rivalry moved into the cursing-at-each-other-stage. Kevin won for being piggy. And Ash was ousted for making the mistake of listening to someone else’s advice.

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Morning. Poolside. Chef Jennifer is in a bikini, which really does beg for commentary. Hence here ‘tis. Great chef. Great bod. No ass.

In contrast, Chef Laurine is being more modest in her pool garb as she reflects on how she’s not been doing to well in the competition so far. Which means she’s probably not going to do to well today, either.

Inside, Chef Kevin provides the Greek chorus for the week, informing us that Chefs BrotherBryan and BrotherMichael’s heightening interpersonal drama will be a theme for the week.

And then it’s off to the Best Western Resort and Casino for this week’s …

Quickfire Challenge

Padma and The Knife Block (look for their CD in stores this November!) greet the chefs. Padma introduces this week’s guest judge, “sustainable” food guru, celebrity chef and Top Chef Masters also-ran, Rick Moonen.

After some babble about people getting only so far on their individual skills, the chefs start pulling knives. But, whattayaknow? The first one’s blank. And so is the second one. And the third.

And everyone thinks it’s a mistake until Jennifer pulls one that reads “First Choice.” More blanks are pulled until it’s down to the two brothers.

Dickish Brother Scene #1: The bros snipe at each other over which knife each one wants. As if it matters.

BrotherMichael gets “Second Choice” and we see that it’s a schoolyard pick for teams.

After a second’s thought, Jennifer decides to not split up the brothers (and their touchy-feely dynamic) and picks Kevin for her team. Which means that BrotherMichael naturally picks BrotherBryan for his.

Chef DoucheyMike ends up on Jennifer’s team and Chef Eli lands on Team Bro. Laurine joins Jennifer’s squad. And, as expected, Chef Robin is the one nobody wants and lands by default on the boys’ team.

And here’s where Pads reveals the rules for this week’s unprecedented challenge:

The chefs will be working in a relay to create a dish, with each chef having only 10 minutes to complete their stage. But (and here’s the fun part) not only will the chefs not be able to communicate to each other what they’re doing, they’ll be blindfolded until it’s their turn to cook.

(Now, I have to admit. When I saw that blindfolds would be involved, I was wondering if they’d make the chefs all work to make their dishes while blindfolded -- a la Shear Genius. But I suppose they couldn’t afford the liability insurance for that.)

Robin reflects on her team of the Bros (who are “awesome”) and her “little buddy” Eli. Which makes me wonder if she doesn’t see how much they seem to despise her or if she’s just trying to take the high road for the audience on telly.

The groups get a few minutes to discuss how much they hate Robin  find a way to minimize Robin’s work  pick the order in which they’ll be cooking. And they are not to discuss their dishes.

Oh, and this is another of those “high stakes” Quickfires, so the winning team is promised cash and “a significant advantage” in the Elimination Challenge. (We’ll just see about that last bit, doll. And don’t even get me started on the scripted grammatical mistakes from Tom and Padma this week.)

The two teams each decide to put the designated “weakest links” in the second position,  so that whatever that person does can be changed by the third and finished well. So, I guess that makes Laurine her team’s low-man. Poor Laurine.

The challenge starts and, within seconds, I decide this is my favorite Quickfire ever!

Now, I doubt this has a thing to do with being a great chef, but boy is it entertaining! It really has to be seen to be fully appreciated. And if you’re reading this, I’m going to assume you did.

Jennifer and Eli each grab stuff and start the ball rolling for their teams. Time!

In interviews, Jennifer and Eli each tell us what we most need to know about what they did. Jennifer, we hear, wasn’t clear what kind of fish she was picking. And Eli has to explain that Robin’s taste is from somewhere “east of Mars.”

Robin and Laurine go next. Robin is amazed by how much Eli was able to get done. Laurine is a tad confused by some thyme which she finds simmering in oil, but finally guesses what it was for and puts it back. Time!

Next it’s DoucheyMike versus BrotherBryan. I fall over myself laughing at DM’s general disorientation when, after 20 minutes in a blindfold, he has to get his eyes used to the light, examine the in-progress items before him, figure out what to do and move things forward.

BrotherBryan, being mostly transistors and wires, has little of this difficulty and carries on ably (as expected) and sets his brother up for the big finish.

Time!

Batting cleanup are Kevin and BrotherMichael for their respective teams. Neither seems to be experiencing a major crisis over having spent a half-hour in a blindfold. Since he’s last, Kevin feels free to pick some elements of what he finds to finish things up and chooses to discard others.

BrotherMichael, meanwhile, does what he can do to complete the items before him as best as he can. And since I don’t know shit about any of this all I can say is that he does some magic stuff to make yum.

(Have I mentioned that my signature recipe is a delicious head of iceberg lettuce?)

Time!

Padma blows her disco whistle and it’s over. Time to taste.

First up is the Red Team (a/k/a Team Bro, Gno and Oh No!). They’ve made a New York strip steak with whipped miso and avocado puree. BrotherMichael does the presenting and explains that while one element (the miso) is quite salty, he under-salted the steak so that if it’s all eaten on one bite, it’ll work.

Chef Rick is willing to play along with this and tries to construct the “perfect bite.” (Is it me or does this sounds like pretty similar to what Ashley was told wouldn't work and went out for a few weeks ago?)

Serving second is the Blue Team (a/k/a Team Chicks With Brick and Dick). Jennifer gets shamed when she presents her fish dish as “trout” when it’s actually a “sustainable” fish called sable.

(Again, what do I know? I thought sable was something PETA people would douse you in blood for wearing.)

Jennifer thinks that getting this embarrassed on national TV is just “awesome.”

Chef Rick liked both dishes and after some thought declares the winning team to be … Team Blue! (Yea!)

Laurine is thrilled to finally be out from the bottom in a competition. And BrotherMichael’s sourpuss expresses angst for not having won cash for his team.

Padma gives the winning team one of those bullshit poker chips signifying a $10,000 prize. But, if they want, the team can “let it ride,” which means they can forfeit the 10K-split-four-ways and, if they win the Elimination Challenge, they’ll each win $10,000.

With barely a thought, the team lets it “ride.” Let’s see how that works out.

And now …

Elimination Challenge

It’s Muthafukin’ Restaurant Wars! Woo hoo!

Kevin thinks that’s “awesome” and is pumped about his “super shtrong team” without a particularly “shtrong” or weak link.

About this milestone, BrotherBryan’s words say he’s “really excited.” His face, however, says, “It’s Thursday.”

Chef Rick explains that, for the challenge, he’s giving up his two-level restaurant at the Knights Inn Resort & Casino. And the winning team will get the super duper advantage of getting to pick which of the two wildly different areas to serve as their restaurant.

Oooh.

The Blue Team picks the downstairs restaurant, leaving the other team with the total pit that is the downstairs. Good luck surviving that impossible setback, suckas!!

Padma explains that, since a.) Chef Rick doesn’t need to clear out his fancy, schmancy establishment for a day, and b.) Pier One probably didn’t want to pony up the cash to sponsor another “let’s grab wicker and pillows” scene this year, the chefs won’t be responsible for their restaurant’s decor.

They will, though, still be judged on their front-of-house management/service and, unlike previous seasons, whichever chef serves as the front-of-house person will also be responsible for the planning and execution of one dish.

(This, I suppose, is to avoid a circumstance like last year when Radhika was sent home for something that had zero to do with her cooking talent.)

With few minutes to plan, the Blue Team makes one thing perfectly clear. They are NOT doing dessert. Chefs go home for dessert. And they never go home for making a “safe” choice.

The next thing they need to decide is who’s doing the front-of-house. Laurine pipes up that she “know(s) quite a bit about running the front-of-house” and, voila, that decision’s been made.

They plan their all-savory dishes and we move over to the Red Team.

Ominous bass.

After some chit-chat about planning a “Modern American” dining experience, discussion turns to dessert. The Brothers point out that the judges loved an apple crisp Robin made earlier and they encourage her to make something like that now. She suggests a pear crisp and is thus neatly set up to take the fall if it fails. (I mean, if we’re to look at the history of the challenge, right?)

BrotherBryan is also planning on making a dessert and offers to make something like he made earlier as well. Which leads us to …

Dickish Brother Scene #2: BrotherMichael gets all up in BrotherBryan’s business saying that the dessert he made before sucked and was “grainy” and such. BrotherBryan says that BrotherMichael always shoots down his ideas. BrotherMichael says that he listens but speaks up when something goes wrong.

And we don’t get to see the dick measuring contest that follows.

Then, it’s off to shop for supplies. Half of each team heads to the Health Care Schmelthcare Mart while the other pairs go off to some restaurant supply store.

As with previous Restaurant Wars challenges, this split-up is done to save time, show how the teams can adequately manage resources and, most importantly, showcase those marvelous Jitterbug™ mobile phones they get to use to communicate with each other.

The only really interesting thing we see happen (aside from a lot of bleeped curses) is Robin getting all protective when the other team sees what she thinks will be the secret weapon which will earn her team the win: sparkling water.

“I wanted US to be the only ones with sparkling water,” says Robin. “It’s a competition, you know?”

DING! DING! DING! We have the trifecta! Robin scoring with “I didn’t come here to make friends” And two rounds of “It’s a competition.” … Wait! Please do not clear your cards. … Sorry, we can’t declare a winner until she claims the “There’s no room for error” space. Top Chef Bingo continues!

Back at Chez Chef, Eli The Mama’s Gnome tries on the big-boy jacket his mommy bought for him at T.J. Maxx. But, sadly, it looks like he’s been eating for two since she took him there to buy school clothes and new underwear and the jacket barely closes over his baby bump.

Seeing the sight of E in the getup instantly makes BrotherMichael come up with the name for their restaurant: REVOLT. Quickly covering up his nausea at seeing Eli playing dress-up, he says the name is “R” for Robin, “E” for Eli and “Volt” for the Voltaggio Brothers.

I’m supposed to buy that? Broth-ER!

Out on the deck, Kevin and Company decide that the name for their restaurant will be “Mission.” The name is inspired by the clean, simple architectural style and the two Mormons on bicycles who keep knocking on their door.

The next day, it’s off to the challenge! The Blues go upstairs to the impossibly superior dining establishment and the Reds go down into the black hole of Calcutta that is the downstairs casual dining hall.

Then the cooking starts. And so do the fireworks. Quickly, we see BrotherMichael is hounding/micromanaging Robin about her work. And, never one to respond well to this crap, she responds in her patented passive-aggressive fake-cheery manner..

On the Blue Team, we see that each of the members are focusing on their work. But for some reason, the time element is already causing major stress. And the diners haven’t even started arriving.

Back over to the Red Team. More cursing. More bleeping. And the front-of-housers break away to go change.

Aaack!! Eli! Changing! Averting my eyes! Call me when it’s done.

I hear Tom arrive for his mid-show stress inducement, so I gather it’s safe to look up. (This is also how I watch the mostly execrable Nip/Tuck, incidentally.)

Tom chats with Laurine. She claims partial ownership of the team’s lamb dish and promises to “throw back” any dish which isn’t great when it comes out of the kitchen. When he heads back to the kitchen, he sees that Kevin and Jennifer are stressed but confident.

He heads downstairs into the festering cesspool that is the casual dining restaurant to check in with the Red Team.

Up front, Eli’s confident. In the kitchen, BrotherMichael expresses that he’s the leader.

Tom leaves.

Laurine coaches the serving staff. Jennifer is “in the weeds.” And the Brothers go back to cursing/bleeping at each other.

BrotherMichael sums up his team’s progress. Robin seems to be doing well. Eli’s working hard. And  BrotherBryan is working “like a machine.”

More kitchen footage. BrotherMichael tells BrotherBryan, “Don’t be a dick.” And with those magical words, the guests begin to arrive.

Time!

Eli waddles into the kitchen to get things started while Laurine is still coaching her staff as her guests start filling in the bar area waiting to be seated.

Jennifer reflects on her team’s state of preparedness at this point.

“I’m like, ‘Fuck. We’re fucked.’”

Finally, the diners at R℈VOLT are seated. It takes less that a second for one of the diners to wonder what the hell they meant by that name. And then the judges arrive.

They are Padma and Her Frilly Ankles, Tom, Chef Rick and the Lacrimal Fistula (a/k/a Toby Young).

Padma expresses her revulsion at the restaurant name and the food starts to come out.

First on the table are BrotherBryan’s arctic char and BrotherMichael’s pressed chicken. Both are universally adored.

Then I get confused, since they say that the char was Eli’s (instead of Bryan’s) and that it didn’t “really pop.” (Like the buttons on Eli’s jacket?)

Then, as the judges comment on what appears to be a longer-than-expected wait between the first and second courses, we see that the Brothers are back to bleeping at each other over something not being done yet.

After the cussfest, the next course is finally ready: BrotherBryan’s duo of beef and BrotherMichael’s cod. The cod is deemed “brilliant,” but the beef isn’t because it’s now cold.

We head back to the kitchen where BrotherMichael is poking at Robin’s dessert. After what seems like hours of this, Robin has the nerve to yell, “Fuck” and tells him to get away from her “goddamned dessert.”

This audacious blasphemy sends BrotherMichael around the bend.

“Don’t cuss at me like that again!” chastises the noble paragon of rectitude. Three times.

The PeaceKeeper 5000™ steps into the fray and gets his brother out of Robin’s face and gets her back on task, showing us once again that technological wizardry can help decrease global conflict.

Oops. It seems the battle’s not over, since BrotherMichael feels the need to later get up in Robin’s grill and tell her that she doesn’t “respect anyone when (she) yells ‘fuck’ at anyone.”

He further seeks to calm her down by barking “Ree-lax” at her. Four times.

Frankie Says Get A Grip.

At last, the desserts come out, BrotherBryan’s ganache with spearmint ice cream and Robin’s pear pithivier. (Oh the words I have to learn to spell for this blog!)

Both dishes are loved, but Robin’s is really singled out for praise.

Eli pops over to the judges to try to get a read on what they’re thinking and the instant he’s out of earshot, Padma starts whispering about him behind his back. He’s judged to have done well in his job.

And it’s off to the Sinkhole of Doom which is the downstairs establishment.

At The Mission, Laurine greets and seats the panel. Tom inspires gasps from the gang when he points out that there are no desserts on the menu.

Then, without explanation, Laurine delivers DoucheyMike’s asparagus and eggwhateverthing. (Sorry, there was no explanation and, as you know, I only eat.)  Tom thinks it lacks salt and Padma passive-aggressively calls over Laurine to request salt for the table.

This freaks out DoucheyMike, since he salted the dishes. But he manages to comment on this without the dreaded and expected “It is what it is” cliché. So he wins points for that at least.

But this is when the wheels start to come off Team Mission.

Jennifer is butchering the fish to order and this is really delaying the second course. Laurine runs around apologizing to everyone in the dining room and a few curses from Jennifer later, Laurine manages to drop the dishes in front the judges before running off again.

Peeved, a pissed-off Padma peevishly pursues Laurine and asks for an explanation of the dishes, both Jennifer creations, a trout and a halibut served with clams.

The judges find both dishes disappointing and are sad that Jennifer, normally great,  has done so badly here.

And before we see it served to the judges, we see that Kevin’s having temperature problems with his (and Laurine’s) lamb dish, with some being overcooked and some being undercooked. Also, the two chefs seem to not be of one mind as to what constitutes “medium rare.”

When Laurine finally serves the last two dishes to the judges, Padma presumptively postpones the presenter’s parting and asks her what is being parlayed.

She explains that the dishes are hers and Kevin’s lamb and Kevin’s solo dish or pork bellies. The lamb dish is ruled too rare, though the pork is a hit.

Still, the panel feels that a dessert dish should have been offered. (So that decision was smart!)

Once service is over and the judges leave, the diners and chefs comment on the experience. The diners loved most of the food, but weren’t keen on Laurine’s service and Jennifer’s fish dishes. Back in the kitchen, Team Mission is pretty certain they tanked this one.

Fakeout scene!

Montage. Point/Counterpoint. Both from BrotherMichael. Point: BrotherMichael saying how he’s a honorable gentleman, is fair and treats everyone with respect. Counterpoint: BrotherMichael cursing a blue streak at everyone.

Moral: People being blind about how they are is funny.

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

In the Stewed Room, Kevin is sick at the job his team did. DoucheyMike can’t imagine that the other team could have done worse than his. And Padma enters to call up the winning team … Team R℈VOLT.

After some quick congrats, Tom tells the gang that theirs was the best Restaurant Wars restaurant they’ve experienced in six seasons. (Wow!)

The Fistula makes a point of reminding the team what a horrible name they picked and how stupid Eli looked in his Look What Mommy Got Me garb. Still, he’s really thrilled with the experience.

They loved the dishes and are particularly enthusiastic about Robin’s dessert. Asked about it, Robin notes that she was “offered some assistance” with the presentation. This leads BrotherMichael to chime in with his contribution to the dish … which continues the whole pissing match we saw before.

Snore.

But only one chef can win the challenge. And that chef is … BrotherMichael. And as the winner of the challenge, he gets … a book!

Oh, and the $10,000 chip that the other group forfeited when they “let it ride.” BM takes the chip and, without a thought, asks if he can split the money with the rest of the team, since they were part of the win. (They say he can.)

(Don’t ask me why, but I imagine Glenn Beck watching this at home yelling, “Socialist! Are you going to rip out the pages of the cookbook and share those with everyone else, too, comrade?!”)

Then it’s time for the losing  team to face the music.

But before they do, we get to hear DoucheyMike suggest that maybe HE should have run the front of the house since he has “experience running large restaurants.”

As the winners take their seats and the losers head off, we get …

Dickish Brother Scene #32: BrotherBryan tells BrotherMichael to keep his share of the winning money since he doesn’t like that his brother was just rewarded for “unprofessional” behavior.

(I swear, I listened to what the man had to say three times and I still don’t get it. He thinks his brother deserved to win. And deserved the money. But didn’t deserve it for his behavior. And … You know, perhaps it’s a bug they’ll work out in the next system upgrade.)

Once the losing chefs are before the judges, Tom and Padma pop off with their critiques and a few grammatical mistakes. Padma says that the chefs had the panel’s “least” favorite restaurant. And Tom says it’s a “badge of courage” to win Restaurant Wars.

DoucheyMike’s asparagus was under-salted. Jennifer’s fish was a mess. Kevin’s lamb was underdone. And Laurine’s service was horrible (and she didn’t send back the bad food like she promised she would).

The four are sent away to wallow in their shame while the judges deliberate.

A while later, the chefs are called back for the knifing.

Tom makes his “badge of courage” comment and Padma bows her head for the verdict.

“Laurine … please pack your knives and go.”

She heads back to say goodbye to her colleagues. She discusses being the rock. Being rocked. Or former pro wrestler The Rock.

And off she goes, crushed into pebbles.

Next time on Top Chef: Special Guest Natalie Portman. Likes and dislikes. “Awesome.” “In the weeds.” It could be anyone!

Top Chef Las Vegas: More Video!

Hey folks!

The fine folks at Bravo are letting us on some behind-the-scenes video, not seen on the show.

So, as you sit back and prepare for this season's Restaurant Wars, dig these!


Snake in the House


Puff Piece

Top Chef Las Vegas: Previews!

Hey folks! As you probably know already, tonight's episode is the always-exciting Restaurant Wars episode.

Here's a lovely amuse bouche (or two) to get tickle your tongue!

Enjoy!


Blindfolded Relay Race


Michael V vs. Robin

Project Runway: Baubles, Bangles and Beads

Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: Baubles, Bangles and Beads
October 15, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: The designers turned wedding dresses into something that failed brides could (theoretically) actually use in their daily life. Gordana climbed out of the basement and won her first challenge. Christopher wrapped  a divorcee in an oven bag and survived. Epperson didn’t get the idea of “remake” in “remake a wedding dress” and didn’t. Oh, and Nina was still M.I.A.

---

You know the drill. Two recaps. One week. Half a life. Cliff-thru. Let’s go.

Oh no! Another designer left! What’s happening?

Heidi delivers tree mail. Something about shiny things. Everyone goes to a “spectacular” place to meet Tim.

The “spectacular” place is another room at FiDM (pronounced: Fid’m). There Tim introduces them to fashion legend, Bob Muthafuckin’ Mackie.

Nicolas wets himself.

The challenge: The designers will have two days to create a stage design “in the manner of” Bob Mackie. (I wonder why they made the conscious decision to not say “in the style of” instead. But since I know zip about fashion, I’m sure it’s over my head.)

And one more thing. The designers will be making said stage design for a multiple Grammy® winning artist, former Mouseketeer and onetime Dirrty, body-piercing addict, Christina Aguilera.

Nicolas becomes turgid.

The designers make sketches of their designs while examining some of the exhibited outfits which Mackie designed for the likes of Cher, Madonna and Tina Turner. (I guess the Carol Burnett curtain-rod outfit is hiding in the next room.)

Shirin freaks out, since this isn’t the kind of thing she does.

And once they get Nicolas to stop humping Mackie’s leg, the gang is off to Mood to shop.

While this happens, we see that (once) sweet Irina is in the middle stages of completing her transformation into Kenley. She rips on everyone else’s fabric choices, because she clearly is so much better than they are.

Back in the workroom, things progress slowly (or maybe it seemed to take forever, since this season is such a snooze).

As I come in and out of consciousness, I see that …

Gordana is losing her Slavic mind, as every element of her dress keeps coming apart. (No cracks about Gypsy curses, please.)

Irina directs her next barbs at Shirin, saying that she doesn’t deserve to still be here. (I now await her story about her tugboat captain daddy and a flying cat.)

Carole Hannah is actually on screen, which normally means doom. She horses around with her lust object, Logan, and acts generally darling. But, despite the attempts to make her seem quirky as they show her making some pretty random things, the fact of the matter is, she’s actually quite dull. Capable, but dull.

Logan has no idea what a “costume” or a “Christina Aguilera” is, so he decides to make an outfit which is equal parts zebra and Wilma Flintstone. During their playtime, Carole Hannah decides to don the designer’s furry vest and do her best Yeti impression.

(This is what passes for entertainment this season.)

And Nicolas is experiencing an erection which is lasting more than four hours and will need to consult his medical professional.

Eventually, Tim arrives for his “talk to me”s.

Christopher is making what looks to be two separate outfits, with the idea to have one break away to reveal the other, a la Cher circa 1975. Tim, though, thinks the “ta da” should reveal something more “slutty.”

(Personally, I never thought I’d hear Sir Tim actually encouraging someone to make something “slutty,” but … well, we know Christina.)



Althea, too, is making a two-stage stage outfit. And, again, Tim’s not too excited by what he’s seeing.

In the case of Nicolas, however, the mentor is startled by the designer’s white, feather-laden garment. Tim says he thought for sure that what he was seeing was Nicolas' ice-princess garment, which (undeservedly) won the challenge a few weeks back, being rolled it over for inspiration.

Tim is worried that the judges will think that they’re seeing the same outfit they’ve saw before, completely forgetting that the judges never saw that abomination creation in the first place, three random replacement people (and Heidi) did.

And Tim is particularly concerned about Shirin’s outfit, which looks to be a big ole’ Ursula in The Little Mermaid mess. He’s worried that it doesn’t reflect her usual level of sophistication and more reflects the fact that she’s totally stumped on this one.



When she asks if he likes anything about the garment, Tim can’t say that he does. (And here I get worried and hope that, like last week, she can pull something off at the last minute.)

Carol Hannah gets some good notes from the mentor. And she shows herself to be thoughtful about her black-on-black, feather-laden plans when she admits that the dress is too long, but she can’t think of a way to transition it into something shorter without having it look like an ice skating outfit.

As for the rest, I can’t say I really remember (or care) much.

Cut, cut, cut. Sew, sew, sew.

And then it’s time for another stage in Irina’s Kenley metamorphosis.

When the models arrive for their fittings, Irina decides to fire her smacktalk towards Carol Hannah, and this time it’s in the workroom, mere feet away from the other designers. Irina says to her own model that she doesn’t even consider Carole Hannah “a designer” and that the girl doesn’t even have a good personality to make up for that failing.

What. A. Bitch.

In the words of Googie Gomez in The Ritz, “An’ I tot ju gwere nice!”

I think Nicolas speaks for everyone when in interview footage he says that Irina may be a good designer, but is a really mean one.

Anyhoo, before you know it, we’re at the Runway show and we see that Mackie and Christina Aguilera (with an unfortunate haircut and an expanding décolletage) are on board as judges, and Nina Garcia has been released from her secret, black site fashion detention center. But this time we're missing Michael Kors.

And the angels sing.

The show begins.

Christopher’s made a two-part outfit which is now comprised of a somewhat interesting short coat and a somewhat boring, second look of a poorly made corset and spangly panties beneath.

Althea offers a sparkly gown with a 30-foot train, which I really can’t see anyone parading around on stage without additional liability insurance.

Irina’s made a short sparkly number which leaves no impression.

As Logan’s model arrives on the runway in an Animal-Planet-Meets-Tina-Turner-In-Beyond-Thunderdome outfit, the personality-deprived designer says it’s “on the verge” of being a costume. (Er, wasn’t the challenge to make a costume? Do those stupid knit caps cover your pretty little ears too?)



Shirin’s model comes down the catwalk and the top half of the dress now looks like something I would have expected from her. But the bottom is still the mess of spangled seaweed it was before. So sad.

Gordana’s look is a total disaster. From the concept to the execution, it wouldn’t even get her cast on the show in the first place. It’s six flavors of sad.

Nicolas’ model pops out wearing what the husband agreed was a full-on Ice Capades look. Still, I suppose it is appropriate to the challenge. (Side note: The model clearly does not have the boobage to pull this off. So, I have to imagine Aguilera in it for it to work for me.)

Finally, Carol Hannah’s dress appears. And I really don’t know what to make of it. It’s an elegant evening gown, but, to my eyes, the model has trouble even walking it down the runway and I can’t see how it would work practically on the stage. The feather detail is pretty, but I can’t stop thinking, again, how the model isn’t helping the cause here.

After the scores are totaled, Irina is declared the sole middle-of-the-packer. (Take that, missy!) And, having won the final immunity of the season last week, Gordana is sent away. Heidi mentions that Gordana is very lucky to have immunity since she surely likely would have been going home for that horrid mess.

Gordana admits to her disaster and leaves the stage.

Here, I have to admit to (again) not being really sure as to which are the top three and which are the bottom three. (Maybe I’m just stupid.)

Upon questioning, though, we see that Shirin, Christopher and Logan are the three bottoms and Althea, Carol Hannah and Nicolas are the tops.

The questioning points out various details I hadn’t really noticed before, like how Logan’s supposed-to-be-extravagant stage look had three lonely chains across the back, which is hardly extravagant. And the “pop of color” in his design was something that one would only see if one was to reach into the model’s (supposed) cleavage and pull out an inch of purple fabric.

Nina says she sees a “glimmer” of promise in the top half of Shirin’s outfit, but sees the bottom half as a “Carmen Miranda moment.”

And Christopher’s look(s) get slammed for looking a.) not very good and b.) too much like the look Christina rocked in 2001 during the whole Moulin Rouge/“Lady Marmalade” group sing experience.

As for the looks the judges liked … well, they liked them. Nicolas’ would let Miss A move around on stage. Althea’s had a lot of thought behind it, even if it had that massive train back there, too. And Carol Hannah’s was elegant.

After the judges deliberate, and we all have a good laugh about Bob Mackie wanting diamonds on the crotch (you had to see it to get it), the designers are called back.

Althea is safe.

And the winner of the challenge is … Carol Hannah! (Yea!)

She’s thrilled to have finally won something in this contest.

Nicolas is safe.

Logan is safe. (Oh, rats.)

So, it’s down to Christopher and Shirin.

Heidi does her usual shaming and then …

“Shirin … you’re out.”

Jaws drop.

I can’t say I heard anything after that, since everything went dark.

When I came to again, the models were presenting some kind of infomercial for Clairol Herbal Essence hair products and some chick was having trouble walking and talking at the same time.

I suspect I fell on the remote and accidentally flipped over to VH-1.

Next time on Project Runway: Irina completes her Kenley metamorphosis and starts wearing hair pets and using lots of floral prints.

Top Chef Las Vegas: Porky’s Revenge

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Porky’s Revenge
October 14, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs made an “at-McMansion” meal for a bunch of celebrity cross-promoters. BrotherMichael blew a circuit and almost blew his chances. Jennifer won the challenge, despite experiencing “sickness” in the “morning.” And when all was said and done, Sad Ashley was sent packing for … well, something. I’m still not clear exactly what it was.

---

Morning-after footage.

Chef BrotherMichael reflects on his near-elimination last week. Chef Robin does pilates in the back yard. And Chef Eli reveals that he still lives at home with his parents. He says it’s cool that he doesn’t have to pay rent.

Ladies and gents, your aspiring Top Chef.

Ya know, that explains a lot.

It still doesn’t account for the Crocs, though.

Speaking of moms, we check in with Robin who reminds us about her cancer survivor status (in case you missed it). Today’s theme will shift ever so slightly from “Robin: The One Who Can’t Shut Up” to the “Robin: The Meddlesome Mom.”

And it’s off to the …

Quickfire Challenge

At the Kitchen Of Endorsements, the chefs are greeted by Padma’s Go-Go Boots and this week’s guest judge, jazz great Charlie “Bird” Parker.

Parker is known for being one of the most influential of jazz musicians of all time, having pioneered the development of bebop and …

No? Palmer, not Parker? And everyone knows who this is and is really impressed?

Sigh. I sooo don’t know food. Seriously, if it wasn’t for this show I wouldn’t know a ham hock from a pork belly. … Those are different things, right?

Well, it seems that aside from being a super chef and Mr. Belvedere look-alike, Palmer has a history of having been a boss/mentor for both Chefs BrotherBryan and BrotherMichael.

And they still thought it was a wise move to have this man be a judge.

Despite this previous relationship (ten years in the case of BrotherBryan), Chef Palmer says that he’s going to be impartial in his judging.

Now, I’m sure his judging is/would be/was impartial, but isn’t it the appearance of impropriety that’s at issue here? Besides, isn’t it more likely that someone would judge their protégés MORE harshly in a situation like this in order to make it look like you’re not playing favorites? And isn’t that unfair to the two brothers?

Ah, but it isn’t simple favoritism that’s at play here, it’s marketing. But more on that later.

This week, the theme is “pairing,” as in “pairing” a wine to a dish, “pairing” a vegetable to a protein, or “pairing” a challenge concept to a corporate sponsor.

Hence, their challenge will be to create a dish which goes perfectly well with a bag of Sabor De Soledad chips.

The chefs smack themselves on the forehead for not seeing this coming, despite weeks of having nothing but these chips to snack on back at the Casa Cuisine.

They’ll have 45 minutes to create their dishes. Go!

As they cook, we get to hear BrotherBryan and BrotherMichael compare and contrast their relationships with The Palmer. Within seconds, it devolves into an old Smothers Brothers routine. I may or may not have heard one of them say, “Charlie DID always like you best!”

Now, now, boys, you’re both pretty. Now get cookin’.

During the preparations, we see that most of the chefs are picking the onion chips to pair their dishes with. Chef Jennifer’s very “shtressed” about cooking for such a famous chef.

And Eli explains for us the concept of pairing, saying that they can compliment or match perfectly. A bad pairing would be things that clash completely, like the title of Top Chef and a guy who still has his mom iron his shorts.

Meanwhile, Chef Ash reflects on how he still hasn’t come out on top in any challenge, mostly because he’s been so focused on what the other chefs are doing. So, this time, he’s going to be preparing his own style of food, which he predicts will be “awesome.”

As time runs out, Jennifer worries that her pork chops cooked too long and, unless the judges come to her first, they’ll be overcooked by the time they are tasted. Which can only mean they she will be last. (This is a corollary to the Immutable Law Of The Airport Shuttle that finds that your hotel will always be the first of 16 pick-ups and the last of 16 drop-offs.)

Time!

The judges go around tasting the various corporate synergy dishes and, as expected, Jennifer’s is not only NOT the first station to be visited, but we see her stewing in the background as nearly every other chef’s dish is tasted before hers. And, as expected, her pork chops are found to be overcooked.

Rats.

When The Palmer rules, he declares the three “least successful” dishes to be Robin’s badly paired creamy thingamabob, Ash’s cucumber/avocado dish, which was overpowered by the chips, and Jennifer’s overcooked pork chop.

As for the three best, he notes Eli’s “Mom! Can you knock next time?!” clams, BrotherBryan’s “safe,” but “good” steak (?) and Chef Kevin’s green bean casserole-inspired offering.

And the winner is … Eli. (Ugh.)

The gnome is overjoyed with what he feels is his overdue first win. I suspect he hasn’t been this excited since he was told that if he washed the car Sunday his parents MIGHT consider converting the basement into a private apartment for him.

Elimination Challenge

Here is where we get the answer to the grand mystery of why The Palmer is allowed to be a judge despite a longstanding relationship with two of the chefs. It seems that the superchef sponsors this annual event called Pigs and Pinot where pork (his favorite dish) is paired with several different types of Pinot Noir wine. So, I think it’s safe to assume that this challenge was planned before the BrotherChefs were cast and, rather than not cast them, the Powers That Be decided to simply explain away the conflict of interest with the aforementioned “I won’t be partial” nonsense and just go forward anyway.

So, there’s your challenge. Match a pork dish to a Pinot. And to help with that, out comes the knife block.

The chefs pull knives.

• Jennifer pulls “Wild.”

• BrotherMichael pulls “Cheeks.”

• BrotherBryan pulls “Ribs.”

• Ash pulls “Tenderloin.”

• Chef Laurine pulls “Butt.”

• Eli pulls “His Ample Belly.”

• Robin pulls “Center Cut Chops.”

• Chef DoucheyMike pulls “Shoulder.”

• Kevin pulls “Leg.”

And while the above would suggest that this challenge will be about sports injuries, it’s actually about making a dish using their assigned pig part. BrotherMichael is not at all surprised because he knows Palmer is crazy about pig, regaling us with a tale of the man having once shot a wild boar in his pajamas.

Kevin’s wild about the challenge, since he too is crazy for pork, even having a pig tattooed on his person. (Ya know, in certain circles that would mean something … er, different than pork. And it’s not about not being Halal.)

Speaking of “Wild,” since Jennifer got the “Wild” knife, she gets to choose whichever pig part she would like. She opts for the belly, since it has the most fat and, hence, has the least chance of getting dried out. Unlike the least-fatty tenderloin. Which Ash has.

Padma’s Go-Go Boots explain that the chefs will each be responsible for 150 tasting portions at the charity event. And, with that, the gang heads off to another Vegas glitz palace to pick Pinots with Palmer. (Alliterative much?)

After a quick informercial about the grand restaurant with its Mission Impossible-esque flying wine vixens in glass towers, it’s time to choose the booze with your master sommelier, William Cher. (Or was that Shere? I get confused. It IS Vegas, after all.)

We don’t see a Klum-style button bag pick, but somehow there’s a random draw for who gets to pick first. But since I know slightly less about choosing fine wines than I do nuclear physics, this doesn’t mean Jack Squab to me.

All I gather is that some folks picked lesser wines because they didn’t know any better and BrotherMichael snagged one of the best despite picking last.

Then, it’s off to the Heathcare Schelthcare Mart™ for supplies. There, we hear that Laurine’s planning to make some French peasant dish which sounds like “riette.”

(Damn you, Laurine, for making me have to go to the Bravo web site and click 18 times before finding that it’s spelled “Rillettes.”)

Anyway ... she’s making that. Whatever that is. She seems iffy about it.

Ash, meanwhile, is being adorable (as usual), being silly about folks not looking at his ingredients. He plans on making pork tenderloin atop a polenta with a cherry demi-glace.

Oh, you chefs. You sure know how to make me work the spellcheck, don’tcha?

BrotherBryan explains, as they leave the SponsorMarket and hop back in the SponsorMobiles, that he’s planning on doing something that will blow Palmer’s mind. Good old-fashioned Cookin’-N-Capitalism.

Before you know it, we’re back at Casa Cuisine where we resume our Robin Smackdown already in progress.

Kevin says he tries to get along with everyone. Which is immediately contrasted with Robin’s going-on-since-the-1830s ramble, which has now entered the “I’m making sweet potatoes” epoch.

What’s hysterical about it is the way every other chef in the room reacts non-verbally to her never-ending stooooory. (La-la-la, la-la-la.)

Nightfall arrives and she’s still going strong. At this point, Eli’s busy making food for himself and the others (just not Robin) and she decides he would respond really well to some passive-aggressive hovering topped with a nattering demi-glace.

He doesn’t.

He tries to ignore the woman, talking to BrotherMichael instead. But she won’t have any of that and keeps at him. Finally, he finishes his scallops and takes them, still in the pan, downstairs to everyone else while she tells him he’s not allowed to go play with his friends until he comes back here and cleans up his room.

“You’re not my real mom!”

“As long as you’re living under my roof-- You come back in here, young man!”

Ah, aren’t blended families the best?

After she breaks the fourth wall and discusses this with the camera crew, she finishes what she was doing in the kitchen, marches downstairs and steps into the center meeting of the Robin Haters Club to purposely snag one of Eli’s scallops.

“They’re rotten,” says one of the imps. She takes one anyway. DoucheyMike makes a funny, suggesting he (or Eli, I couldn’t tell) said, “They’re Robin.”

Once she’s made her “point,” they go back to filling their water balloons and wadding up their spitballs.

In interview footage, she says, “As much as I want people to like me, this is a competition.”

DING! DING! DING! If you had “Robin,” and Episode Eight for “This Is A Competition” come on down and claim your Meta Cannoli!

Next, we’re back in the kitchen and Ash is telling us how the previous night he had been talking about his planned dish with DoucheyMike. And DM “helpfully” suggested that, rather than serve it warm and run the risk of it drying out (tenderloin having a low fat content, and all), he should ditch his plan and serve it cold.

Oooh, hope that works out, bud.

Kevin explains that he’s making a simple pork leg pâté, which, being a simple dish, has to be great, adding that there is “no room for error.”

Sorry, Kevin. One is not allowed to use “no room for error” until the next-to-last episode of any competition show. You have one demerit. One more and you will be thrown “under the bus.”

Meanwhile, the BrotherChefs talk about each other in their secret monotonic sibling language. BrotherMichael thinks he’s more experimental, having traveled more, and BrotherBryan’s just good at one thing. BrotherBryan is ... Blee! Blorp! Bloop! (Unknown Error 303. Please Reboot.)

And how’s Robin doing?

“I didn’t come here to make friends.”

DING! DING! DING! If you had “Robin,” and Episode Eight for “I Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends,” come on down and collect your commemorative big bowl of gluten and high-fructose corn syrup, with trans-fat sauce!

Tom arrives for the chefs’ mid-show freak-out.

Ash says that he’s finally cooking “his” food. BrotherMichael’s eager to recover from last week’s stumble. And DoucheyMike’s busy being “a machine.”

A “machine” that runs on extra-mild vinegar and water.

He’s impressed with himself that he’s made a bunch of different world cuisines in this competition. And he “brings to the table” something “no other chef has” … and that is an unmatched level of smarm.

As the chefs start to pack up their dishes, the brothers get into their biggest noogie-fight yet, with BrotherMichael telling BrotherBryan to “fuck off” for rushing him. BrotherBryan says that BrotherMichael is being “a dick.”

“I’ll turn this kitchen around right now!” threatens Robin. (Or maybe I imagined that.)

Moments later, we see the chefs arriving at the outdoor venue for the Pigs And Pinot event they set up their stations and Jennifer gets “shtressed out” that everyone is arriving already.

Serve, serve, serve. Taste, taste, taste. Yum, yum, yum.

And here come the judges! Padma’s Giant Sun Bonnet! Tom! The Palmer! Food & Wine editor Dana Cowin … and the Turd In The Punchbowl Known As “Toby Young.”

First up, BrotherMichael’s pork cheeks. They get raves from the judges and a nasal, Nanny-esue “oh maaaah gaaaaaaaw” from a diner.

Ash’s cold pork tenderloin isn’t received very well, though, with Dana saying it’s “a little clammy.” It has, however, managed to make Padma’s oversized chapeau disappear, so there’s that.

Eli’s made his pork belly with air quotes. The judges love his dish, but The Palmer doesn’t think it goes particularly well with the wine, the gnomish one’s protestations at excellence in that aside.

Next comes Kevin’s pork leg pâté. Again, he’s incorporated a good deal of cooking complexity and made magic. Everyone seems to agree it’s a winning dish and a great pairing.

DoucheyMike presents his Lebanese pork dish and makes comical hand gestures in order to distract the judges. It doesn’t work, since Dana thinks the orange flavors in it are “overwhelming.”

BrotherBryan’s ribs come next. Everyone likes them. (As does one really cute diner.)

Jennifer’s braised her pork belly and it is also considered delicious.

Laurine has made her pork anus butt (but it looks like a pork anus) as rillettes. I still have no idea what that is. But it looks ghastly. And it sounds like it tastes just as good. A diner says, “It’s NOT a party in my mouth” and Dana goes so far as to call it “cat food.”

I imagine Toby smacked her around off-camera for using one of his patented/stolen put-downs.

The judges arrive at Robin’s station to find her now entering the “brined pork cut” portion of her epic poem. The diners don’t care for it, Palmer isn’t impressed and The Turd says the overall sensation is of “sliminess.” Much like what he sees when he shaves in the morning.

And it’s off to …

Judges’ Table

In the Stewed Room, DoucheyMike is acting as deluded as ever, saying that the diners told him he would be in the Winner’s Circle. Needing to top that delusion, Mama Robin pipes up that folks told her that hers was the best.

DoucheyMike makes dismissive throat sounds.

And Padma arrives to call up … BrotherBryan, BrotherMichael, Jennifer and Kevin.

Shocker.

Before the judges, we get more sweetness and light from the four obvious front-runners. Everyone loved everything, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, and Talking Fecal Matter makes a funny about European wine versus American wine as akin to a hairy armpit versus a shaved armpit. … Yeah. He’s a riot.

After more discussion, Palmer says that the winner is … Kevin! (Yea!)

Kevin reminds everyone that he has a pig tattoo and, if he looks hard enough, he can probably find one of a bottle of Pinot in there somewhere, too.

Kevin also wins a spot in next year’s P&P event. Oooh, Kevin you got such a purdy mouth. .... Soooo-eeeeeey!

The four head back to the Stewed Room and call up the bottom three … Ash, Laurine and Robin.

Ash curses a blue streak as he heads to his doom.

Once they’ve left, DoucheyMike thinks aloud that he hopes the judges “make the right decision this time.” When someone asks what that is, the Robin Haters Club is called to order.

“We all know what the right decision is. Big ‘R,” little ‘o-b-i-n.’ … I hope grandma goes.”

And she’s a doodiehead too! You forgot to add that. Now go back to formulating your flowchart about how you’ll put a tack on her chair while Eli sticks a frog in her desk.

Suspenseful music!

In front of the judges, Robin pretends she knew what she was doing. The judges say they thought her sauce was “a little gummy” and her pork was cut too thin.

When they question Ash, the Last Gay Standing once more shows that he’s really good at assessing exactly what went wrong after it’s gone wrong. Which is a shame, since in a real-world setting he’d probably take that and deliver some really great food without the pressure cooker environment and time constraints.

Alas, it may be too late for him here.

He explains the dish he originally planned on making (but was talked out of by DoucheyMike, though he doesn’t say that part). That dish, says Palmer, is something that he  WOULD have liked.

Ruh row.

The inquisition moves on to Laurine. And the question is, will someone have the nerve to mention Dana’s “cat food” comment, especially since Dana’s not at the table. Anyone? TurdFace, we’re looking at you.

Probably because he’s still sore from her stealing his putdown about someone’s dish last season, TurdFace demurs.

Palmer asks Laurine how one makes a rillette and she explains. She’s immediately schooled by the master who explains that she has it all wrong and, hence, was doomed to failure from the start.

Meanwhile, I munch on my own specialty recipe, a delicious concoction I call “California Seedless Grapes.”

The three are sent away.

Back in the Stewed Room, we see that Ash is pretty fed up with Padma (which is clarified in several post-show interviews). He’s particularly mad that she says he “forgot flavor” in making his dish. (It seems she’s never said a single positive thing about anything he’s made, something I hadn’t noticed until he pointed it out.)

“She always has such lovely things to say,” he says.

The judges deliberate and reiterate what they’ve said before. Feeling he hasn’t yet been the total TurdFace he was last season, Toby amps things up by saying Robin’s sauce was “like the gunk you get at the bottom of a cup of instant coffee.”

Tom looks at him with another of his “Boy, you’re being a total shit for the cameras!” looks, which we haven’t seen since last season.

No one liked Robin’s dish. Ash is slammed for never making “his” food and, now that he says he did, it wasn’t a winning dish. And Lauine’s just wasn’t good.

Fakeout scene!

Comedy music. In the Stewed Room, Eli is really stewed. He’s full of himself and rehashing his smackdown with Robin. And BrotherMichael shows us how to properly send the mama’s boy ‘round the bend by insisting that all of his interactions with the woman are failed attempts at flirting with her.

This drives the drunken gnome out of his Oedipal mind.

BM calls Eli everyone’s “little brother,” adding that he’s an “awesome” kid.

For the third time, Eli revisits the story and BM ends it with “… and then they have sex.”

“They did?” deadpans BrotherBryan.

“Seriously, are you fucking dysfunctional?”

“Did you get to second base?” chides BM.

“Seriously, can you fucking stop, because you’re pissing me off.”

Best Fakeout Scene Ever Over!

When we come back the three bottoms are back before the judges (and the Turd).

After another quick shaming …

“Ash, please pack your knives and go.”

I weep.

As he goes, he tells us that he feels that he should have made his original dish. And he’s going to invite everyone to a dinner party to taste it. Everyone … EXCEPT Padma.

Oooh, snap.

Next time on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars! Laurine in a dress! And how will The Brothers handle The Anchor Known As Robin?

Top Chef Las Vegas: Previews!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Previews!
October 14, 2009

Hey gang! The fine folks at Bravo are really eager to make sure that you see tonight's episode of Top Chef: Las Vegas.

So, check out these keen previews!

And we'll see you in a few days for your regularly scheduled snark.

Cheers!

Not a Family Affair


All About Charlie

Project Runway: A Celebration Of Failure!

Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: A Celebration Of Failure!
October 8, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: The designers were split into pairs and for an astoundingly creative and unbearably challenging task: To create not one but TWO dresses using the color blue. When all was said and done, Irina won her second challenge with a couple of dresses which were acceptable. And Louise, sandbagged by an immunity-carrying Nicolas, made a couple of sad little numbers with awkward ruffles and was eliminated.

---

Yes, the pressure has gotten to me. That and the general boredom of this season. So here’s the Runway Express.

The designers are again stunned that people keep leaving every week. We’re informed that, at this stage, people aren’t leaving due to a lack of talent. (We’ll just see about that, missy.)

During the previous Models Of The Runway show, we saw what would go next. That is, the designers picked models and The One The Crazy One Hated was eliminated. Oh, the humanity.

Back on this week’s Runway show, we see that Heidi is still carrying her Button Bag O’ Doom. That’s because this week the designers will be getting “new” models.

(And by “new” we mean someone else’s cast-offs.)

This is when a parade of women in some seriously tacky wedding dresses march out onto the runway. But this traditional wedding dress challenge will have a twist. And that’s because these ladies are divorcees and need to have these reminders of failed relationships turned into new dresses they can sell on e-bay take into the next stage of their lives.

Since Irina won the last challenge, she picks first and wisely goes for the lady wearing enough fabric to cover 13 sister-wives on a compound in Utah. As the rest of the designers pick, it seems pretty clear that the amount of material in the divorcees’ dresses is the deciding factor.

As we get down to two designers and two divorcees with relatively skimpy outfits, Gordana picks one wearing a dress with an applique detail and Shirin (ever the last one to choose) is stuck with a lady wearing a very simple, very skimpy white frock.

Back in the workroom, Shirin is downright despondent. Not only is there only about one yard of fabric with which to work, the outfit is 100% polyester, meaning that it can’t really be dyed without running the risk that it’s going to look like total crap.

And it only gets worse when the divorcees come in to discuss what they would like. Shirin’s divorcee is a total whack job. The lady actually wants Shirin to take the yard of fabric and make her a Cher costume, resplendent with feathers. Poor Shirin.

Most of the others are graced with clients who are sane. Notice we said, “most.”

Because Nicolas had drawn the short straw having selected an aging flower child (and part-time beat poet) whose biggest concern is that her outfit be “cruelty-free,” meaning no wool and certainly no fur.

As if he’d be getting fur with his $25 at Mood in the first place.

Later, Tim takes the gang to Mood where they can buy only a very minimal amount of fabric and Shirin goes mental once more. I think it’s the feathers.

Back in the workroom, Gordana offers us a biographical moment, which normally would indicate imminent departure. But to reward/compensate her, the producers pick her for the corporate synergy moment where she gets to phone home on the sponsorrific cell phone.

But … since her hands are all blue from the dye she’s been using to tint her fabric, she doesn’t handle the phone and instead speaks into it while it rests on the arm of the couch. This does not enable the camera to get a good shot of the logo and shoots this corporate opportunity straight to hell.

As a response to this transgression, the wireless company takes her family hostage and makes sure they’re not there to take her call, leaving the sad Serb to leave a teary message on voicemail and get back to work.

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Ms. Gordana, and I won't have it! Is that clear?!

That’ll learn ‘er!

When Tim makes his “talk to me” visits, he’s immediately impressed with Irina’s outfit, which, despite being 100% acetate, managed to take a dye and is now an almost metallic, coppery color. And the dress is looking pretty nice, too.

Most of the others, though, seem to be having some kind of crisis or other. Epperson has opted to create a dress with as little of the original dress as possible, using it only to create some kind of lab coat-looking thing. Tim sets him straight and reminds him that the majority of the dress is supposed to have come from the original fabric. He sets out to start over.

At Christopher’s station, there’s another mess in process. Actually, there isn’t much of anything. All he has is a black quasi-garment made out of stretch fabric. Questioned about this, the designer explains that what’s there is only the undercarriage of some other mess which will be sitting on top.

I’m scared.

Logan is another one with a mess on his hands, since he’s decided to listen to his client and, rather than creating a dress, he’s making a really ugly pant suit with pants made from some wool (?) he bought at Mood. To his credit, though, he’s retaining elements of the dress to use for a really ugly, ruffly top.

Tim is concerned.

And Shirin is now in full meltdown mode, staring forlornly at what still looks like the original dress with three peacock feathers shoved randomly into the neckline. Here is where Tim delivers the mentoring which makes him (and his role) so invaluable on this show and sets him apart from anyone else on any other reality show. Because, while he doesn’t tell Shirin exactly what to do, he advises her to regroup and start over, blocking out the parts of the design to create something new.

Well, that’s just what the wee lass needed, because suddenly she realizes that she can do one thing to change the color of the all-white polyester schmata: create a color pattern with colored thread. She goes into overdrive to get everything done in time.

Some time after this, the divorcees come back in for their fittings. And, as we saw before, most of them are sane.

Notice I said “most of them.” Nicolas’ lunatic is agog for his hideous creation and (actually) says she would want to have a child with the fey Feather Prince, which causes the human hangnail to break the fourth wall and look at the camera with a  “not on your life” expression.

Seriously, in what universe would this one be in the position to turn down a sexual offer from anyone? ... On second thought, don’t answer that. I don’t want to picture it. Ever.

And when Shirin’s client appears, she proves why she’s This Year’s Hedda Lettuce, trying on the new outfit and asking what the designer’s been doing with all her work time. She also wants the dress to be a lot shorter so everyone can get a good view of her lady business.

Shirin (wisely) pretends she didn’t hear the lady.

Come the runway show, we see that Nina still isn’t back and, while we do have Mr. Tangerine Man, Michael Kors, we’re stuck with two more forgettable fill-ins. (Is this why this is “the most talked-about season of Project Runway ever”?)

The gals come down the runway.

• Althea’s made a cute blue number which is skipped down the runway by her model. Nice job.

• Logan’s pant suit is just about the most awful thing I have seen all season. And, in the words of The Kors, the crotch is insane.

• Epperson, to my feeble, feeble mind, has pulled off something pretty. It’s a flowing white dress which is largely unspectacular, but with what I see as an Asian-inspired pattern of wide black stripes across the midsection which I think make it interesting.

• Shirin’s sassy gal is rocking the new dress which (if you look really carefully) has been transformed by a slightly different shape and (more so) by the blue thread pattern she has created.

• Nicholas’ birdbrain comes out wearing what strikes me as a macrame plant holder. But, of course, she’s Lady GaGa for the whole thing. To his credit, Nicolas knows his outfit sucks.

• Gordana managed to make the most out of her applique’d fabric and made a somewhat asymmetrical sleeveless sheath which the punk-loving, shag-wearing client rocks with knee-high boots. Personally, I don’t like it. But that’s me.

• Carole Hannah’s model looks nice from a distance in the now lavender dress with a black shrug. But looking more closely at the dyed acrylic lace, I think it looks like Rit-dyed Spanish moss stapled to the skirt.

• Irina’s model totally rocks her metallic, lacy outfit. And, while it’s nice, all I can think is that she’s gone from failed bride to mother-of-the-bride in 24 hours flat.

• And Christopher. Oh dear. What a total mess. Obviously, the designer wanted to “push the envelope,” but the lady looks like she’s wearing an oven bag.

(Hey, give me credit for recognizing an oven bag when I see it. It comes from one of my two failed attempts at cooking. … You don’t want to know how it turned out. … Then again, looking at that outfit, I think you can picture it.)



Heidi calls out Nicolas, Althea and Carole Hannah as the middle-of-the-pack and sends them to safety. This leaves me stumped as to how Nicolas’ abomination managed to get past the judges yet again.

We quickly learn that the top three are Shirin, Irina and Gordana. Leaving Christopher, Epperson and Logan as the bottom three.

Upon questioning, the judges (and the two seat-fillers) agree that they adore just about everything about the top three. They are particularly proud of Shirin for being able to smack down her crazy client’s request for a “Half-Breed moment” and insistence on a virtually crotch-revealing miniskirt.

As for the bottom three, Christopher’s nonsense is called a “cinched garbage bag” (NO, OVEN bag! Garbage bags don’t look like crunchy metallics! … And you call yourselves snarky judges!)

And Heidi decides that she’ll get big yuks by describing both Epperson’s dress and Logan’s top as “Oktoberfest” moments.

Four. Separate. Times.

Michael chimes in with one “Oktoberfest” of his own. … Copycat.

As for myself -- and again, I don’t know shit about this -- I thought Logan’s top was very Biergarten, but didn’t think that at all about Epperson’s outfit. That is, I didn’t until I saw this a second time and focused on the voluminous white skirt.

Now, if you paired Logan’s top with Epperson’s skirt, that would indeed be the St. Pauli Girl (or Heidi’s high school summer internship), no doubt.

After the usual discussion (and Heidi’s recently amped up venom), the panel comes up with its decision.

Shirin is sent to safety.

And the winner is … Gordana! (Reeeeeeallly?)

Irina is sent to safety.

Christopher is also safe for another week.

Leaving Logan and Epperson to face another round of “Oktoberfest” criticism from the One Who Would Know.

Logan and his stupid knit caps are safe.

“Epperson … you’re out.”

Please pack your dreads and go.

Next week on Project Runway: Bob Muthafuckin’ Mackie! Spangly gowns! And a super-special celebrity client!