Project Runway: Finally! Finally! Finally!

Project Runway, Season Six
Episode: Finally! Finally! Finally!
November 19, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: The three finalists, Irina, Carol Hannah and Althea, made it to Bryant Park for the final runway show. Carol Hannah was vomitous (even without having heard what Irina’s been saying about her) but managed to pull herself together just enough to make it through the day. Some strangers named “Michael” and “Nina” offered final advice. And Heidi “surprised” the gang with the news that they’d have to create a 13th look.

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When we last left our not-so-merry troupe, poor Carol Hannah had her head in the toilet, which she suggests is not going to help her win this thing.

The next morning, the three finalists and their three helpers (ie. the last three eliminated designers) arrive in the workroom to work and to console a clearly broken Carol Hannah.

As they work, we see that Althea has now taken to wearing one of those idiotic knit caps Logan loves so, and they then head off to Infomerciallandia for their hair and makeup consultations.

Fast forward … blip, blip, blip.

“It’s based on gothic architecture ...”

Blip, blip, blip.

“We’re on the same page …”

Blip, blip, blip.

Model fitting.

“The fittings are going great …”

Blip, blip, blip.

Tim arrives. He advises Irina to be careful that her model’s helmet-y hats don’t look too costume-y. She mentions that her models’ makeup will have a “muddy” look.

He heads to Althea’s corner. She mentions that her models’ looks will have a messy look to them.

“That sounds like what Irina was telling me,” Tim says.

Cue the stare of death from Irina.

“That’s Althea,” she mutters.

(You know, as much as this whole ‘Althea’s stealing Irina’s ideas’ meme is a trumped up drama intended to keep us from falling asleep completely, I’m starting to wonder if the woman really has any original ideas herself. … Check out her latest, post-Runway collection online if you don’t believe me.)

Tim’s “talk to me” with Carol Hannah is mostly about her health. But he’s impressed with her teal goddess-looking 13th look.

The day ends and they head back to the hotel. The next morning, Carol Hannah is a mite better and they go back to the salt mines for their final day of work.

I go get a sandwich. It’s a turkey club. It’s very tasty. I cut off the crusts because I think that makes it all classy.

Is anything interesting happening on the show? No? Back to the sandwich.

I decide to pour another glass of seltzer over ice. I’ve never liked the flavored kind, but the supermarket never seems to have enough of the plain kind and I have to settle for the lemon-lime.

Is anything happening on the show again? … Oh, it’s the last gather-round.

Tim pulls the ladies away from their last-minute work. Oh, that must be so stressful, what with them only having (looking at the clock) fifteen minutes to go. It’s odd that they seem so collected this close to deadline.

A moment later, we see that we’ve gone back in time by a half-hour (that’s what you get for putting a clock on camera) and we see Irina and Gordana stressing out over not having enough time to finish everything.

Ah, editing.

The day ends and they head back to the hotel for a few minutes of sleep. Before we know it, it’s 3 a.m. and the three are getting up and getting ready for the big day.

“I definitely have every emotion you can possibly think of,” says Irina.

Indeed. She looks quizzical and constipated, mournful and frustrated, bored and lusty all at the same time. Strange, that is.

After having to figure out how a door works, they head off to the tents at Bryant Park to look at the show space.

It’s montage time! Hair! Makeup!

Hold on. Something’s wrong. Tim’s concerned that people aren’t nearly ready to go. He’s very upset. He’s downright concerned. He’s “about to lose it.” What is happening?!

“This is crazy!” He adjusts his glasses.

OK, I guess that’s what Tim “losing it” looks like.

I’m so glad I got to witness that. It made this whole season worthwhile.

The crowd pours in. And we get to see … Nina. Michael. And the rest of this season’s contestants. And no one else.

See what happens when you have to cut loose five seasons of people you can interview when you change networks, Weinsteins?

You could have had us see what Jeff Lewis and the Real Housewives of Orange County think about the designs, but noooooooooo! You had to have your precious Lifetime, didn’t you?

Finally, it’s time for the (magically edited) show. Heidi comes out and greets the crowd and the we see the crowd responding to something else.

Heidi introduces the judges, the elusive Michael Kors and Nina Garcia (brought together for this one-time-only appearance under court order, it seems) and this season’s guest judge Not Fern Mallis. This chubby British lady, the symbol of all the loser seat fillers judging this season, wears the traditional hairstyle of the distracting guest judge, the lone beer-can hair curler stuck right on her noggin.

That said, let’s start the (magically edited) show!*

* By “magically edited,” we mean that, since the show taped before the season even started to air, the producers couldn’t have the designers appear on stage, lest the audience all know who the top three were before the season even started. Hence, we have since learned, the designer walkouts were filmed without the huge audience and were edited in to make it look like they appeared before the crowd as they normally wold.

First, Althea comes out and addresses an empty room and we see the audience respond to something else. She says flatly that her design was inspired by sci-fi (or is it SyFy now?) and is about what the “woman of tomorrow” would wear.

Out come the models.

So it seems that in the future, women will not need the use of their hands, since they will be wearing sweaters with sleeves that are a good six inches longer than their arms. Also, in the future, big black headbands will be hot, hot, hot!

Althea tells us she’s proud of herself for “stepping it up” as we see her collection of black, beige and white sportswear with an emphasis on knits and pants. We also see her boyfriend, who looks suspiciously like the unfortunately ubiquitous Levi Johnston.

Overall, her looks are better than anything I’ve seen from her before. Which is a plus. But there is this one look with a skirt so tight around the knees that I don’t see how the model made it down the runway.

Again, we get a spliced-in scene of Althea on the runway, walking behind her models, and then it’s time for Carol Hannah’s greeting to the “audience.”

Once she’s done spreading her germs to the production staff, it’s on with her collection.

She presents a series of really pretty looks. There are skirts and pants, gowns and dresses. They’re all lovely and seem to show off a great deal of thoughtfulness and detail. If I have one criticism of the collection, it’s that it doesn’t seem to be so much a collection as a series of great, unconnected looks.

Finally, it’s time for Irina to pop in and speak to us from another dimension. The crowd applauds in the direction of where she would be standing.

She explains that her collection was about New York City and “comforting and shielding” yourself. So, women need battle gear to make it down Fifth Avenue without being assaulted by construction workers, it seems.

Out come the dresses. The collection was, as expected, very black.

But, boy is it black.

“It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.”

The looks are edgy and dramatic, with a definite commonality which allows the collection to hold together. It’s heavy on pants, and some of the models are wearing these curious hats which suggest a military look. (That military look which was so popular years ago when this was filmed.)

The problem with the black, though, is that it’s really hard to see the details of the work. And when one of the models comes out wearing a beige oversized sweater (that thing that she invented and no one can ever use without giving her credit), it really stands out.

But overall, it’s really pretty stunning. And it’s just what I expected when I saw the pictures months ago.

We get quick shots of the other season six castoffs telling us what they thought and then it’s off for the judging.

Heidi, Michael, Nina and NotFern With The Spermy ‘Do reflect on what they saw. And out come the designers.

Heidi recaps everything that’s happened so far and … she springs on them the news that they’ll have to create a 14th look. NOW!

Nah, she tells us Irina won. Whoopee.

Did you think I wanted to go on for another half-hour about this snoozer?

Irina cries. Her family comes out and congratulates her. And the girl finally gets the approval she’s always wanted from her daddy.

Which makes me think she could be a character on Lost.

Do you see how my mind wanders during this show? It’s sad, actually.

Tim congratulates Irina and gives her the invisible keys to the invisible Bravo sponsormobile which she’s won and she drives off into the sunset.

And once that’s over, America braces for the super-exciting final episode of Models of the Runway! How ever will that end?

Now let’s all hope that the next season wakes us up again.

Until then, you all can leave the Runway.

Top Chef Las Vegas: Presenting The Silver Platters!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Presenting The Silver Platters!
November 18, 2009

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were charged with making dishes inspired by a series of cheesy, smoke-filled places where people lose their life savings. BrotherMichael won the challenge by making a dish which seemed to confuse Buffalo with New York City. And, despite turning scrapings from a circus floor into an inedible dessert, Eli was spared and Robin was finally shown the door.

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It’s the morning of the chefs’ last challenge in Las Vegas. Chef BrotherBryan worries about how he’s going to pay his bills, Chef Kevin dons his Magic Jesus Amulet, Chef Jennifer hopes she’ll stop sucking and return to her former glory, and Chef Eli thinks he’s really clever quoting from The Princess Bride to make a stupid “I’m doing this to avenge Richard Blais” joke.

Did I mention this guy chafes my last nerve?

Moments later, the chefs arrive at the Laughing Jackalope Motel Resort And Casino and enter the Kitchen O’ Logos for the …

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs are greeted by Padma, seemingly fresh from doing the Paso Doble in a neighboring ballroom competition, and her wee celebrity chef friend, one Gavin Kaysen.

Kevin recognizes Gavin as someone who won some fancy foodie award for which he has (only) been nominated. (Which explains why he’s on the other end of the judging table, doesn’t it, mister?)

Gavin, Padma explains, represented the U.S. in some super, duper fancy foodie competition. I believe it’s called the Beaucoup D’Gorp (translation: Lots of Gorp). We see footage of this event and it seems much like the Olympics™®©, only with taller hats and wider waistbands.

(Side note: Also like the sporting events, the Brazilians seem to routinely wave their flag upside down. Check the tape if you think I made that up.)

For his shot at the Beaucoup D’Gorp, Gavin explains, he made a balanchine balance-shin ballotine, which was consisted of crayfish inside of chicken liver, inside of chicken. Think of it as the Russian nesting doll of food.

And it only took him four months to come up with that.

So, naturally, these chefs will have 90 minutes to make a similar protein inside a protein inside a protein.

Go!

Now, I know nothing of these things. So, all I could think when I heard this was “turducken.”

“So, I’m going to make a ‘turducken,’ ” quips Jennifer.

I knew I liked this one.

Of course, though, that’s not what she makes. Which is for the best, I suppose.

BrotherBryan says that the chefs who have made ballotines before will do better. But BrotherMichael insists that this isn’t about making a ballotine, but using three proteins, one inside another.

Kevin sees what the other chefs are doing and doesn’t see how they could pull it off in 90 minutes, so he’s making something more basic. Eli, similarly, is working on a version of a Scotch egg (minus the Scotch).

He thinks the judge may think it’s “awesome” … or he may not.

As they cook, Jennifer again shows her insecurity with something unfamiliar and we’re treated to BrotherMichael saying that he thinks she’s done for. Which, of course, means she's not.

Time!

Padma and Gavin first taste Eli’s bacon-crusted breakfast sausage with an egg center. They don’t comment on it.

Next is BrotherMichael’s “poultry terrine,” which is chicken with turkey and bacon. Again, no comment is made. (Myself, I couldn’t know a terrine from a meat loaf, but I don’t see the “inside of” requirement on the plate.)

Third up is Jennifer’s calamari steak inside scallops inside salmon. (Or perhaps I got that backwards. I may be food dyslectic.) They seem to instantly take to it, with Padma even saying “welcome back” to the prodigal cheftesant.

They then head to BrotherBryan’s station where they try his rack of lamb and sausage wrapped in caul fat. (Side note: I _really_ wish I didn’t just look up what “caul” is. I really do.) Again, the judges don’t comment on it.

Lastly, they taste Kevin’s fried fillet of catfish with scallop and shrimp. Once again, there’s no comment.

When Gavin issues his ruling, he declares Kevin’s dish to be too dry and BrotherMichael’s to not have fulfilled the “a protein inside of a protein inside of a protein” requirement.

Kevin disagrees with the assessment. And BrotherMichael makes poutyface over the judgment, snarking that had he been asked to make a ballotine he would have made a ballotine. And it would have been better than Gavin’s food-o-lympics one.

Pouty dickishness, it seems, will be the motif for the rest of the season.

Gavin says that the three best are the dishes from BrotherBryan, Eli and Jennifer. And the winner of the challenge is … Jennifer! (Yea!)

BrotherMichael makes poutyface. Again.

Elimination Challenge

Padma explains that for this final Las Vegas challenge, the chefs will be competing in their own faux food-o-lympics challenge, we’ll call it the Bow-Coo Door. They will have to create an elaborate protein dish with two elaborate side dishes to be served on an elaborate floor-length mirror and presented to a collection of 12 elaborate judges. I expect dangling medallions and appropriate anthems will also be required.

BrotherMichael makes poutyface.

Padma explains that, although she doesn’t win immunity, Jennifer has earned the advantage of having an extra 30 minutes in which to present her platter of pomp.

She thinks that’s “awesome.”

Oh, and one of the hoity toity judges will be yet another super-duper chef whose name reduces them all to a melted pool of Béarnaise sauce, one Thomas Keller.

The criteria for this challenge, Padma adds, will be taste, creativity and the ability to succeed without the use of performance-enhancing spices.

After the break, the chefs jump in their Yugos and head off to Albertson’s for supplies. Afterwards, it’s back to the Casa Cuisine for a night of stressing.

As soon as they return, though, BrotherMichael climbs into bed, still wearing all his clothes, including his chef smock. (??) Meanwhile, the rest of the gang sits around and looks at a DVD of the regular Beaucoup D’Gorp, which looks really strange, what with people waving flags and shaking tambourines over food. Food they can’t taste.

Once they finish watching the footage, Kevin grills BrotherBryan about how to properly sous-vide his meat. BrotherBryan proves he’s a stand-up guy by sharing this information with his more “down home” colleague/competitor, something he suggests he brother would probably not do.

Yay for Bryan. What he lacks in personality, he sure makes up for in character.

Next, we see the chefs arrive at the kitchen of the El Cortez Resort and Casino to start cooking.

But first … (thank you, Julie Chen) … Tom arrives to give the chefs additional freak-out fuel. He has with him the super-chef who makes all the world’s cooks tremble like a tower of flan, Thomas Keller. The super-chef greets them, and Tom bids them good luck with a hearty “awesome.”

That word has so many uses. Someday, it will be the only word used for any part of speech.

As they cook, the chefs explain their dishes and cream over Keller. And as Kevin makes his dish, BrotherMichael is trotted out to make poutyface and insist once more that Kevin’s food is good, but “is the food that I cook on my day off.”

Tom arrives for his mid-show stress inducements. The chefs explain their dishes and Tom exits to give us his thoughts.

Hey, it fills time.

Then, Tom returns with one more bit of pressure. The winner of the challenge, he explains, will also earn a prize of $30,000, courtesy of the Laughing Jackelope Motel Resort and Casino.

They’re all stunned. I imagine Eli pictures how he would use it to buy his mother a vacation (on the condition that he can still keep sleeping in her basement, of course).

After the break, the esteemed panel of palates arrives while back in the kitchen Kevin finishes up his dish. He tells us that while the Beaucoup D’Gorp is normally about elaborate food presented elaborately, he’s not doing that. Instead, he’s going to keep doing his home-style food with elaborate flavors and will present them in a nice, neat bundle.

What he puts on his door-size platter, though, doesn’t seem so much “nice” and “neat” to my eyes as it does a “loaf of meat.”

As his platter is carried out by a small army of waiters, Kevin points out for us this week’s judges, Padma, Tom and Gail. (No Toby! Yea!) Joining them are the previously mentioned Pocket Chef Gavin and a host of other lunching luminaries.

As Kevin presents his meal, he explains that he chose lamb (over salmon, the other available choice) for “sustainability” reasons. This leads Keller to ask if the lamb was from a “sustainable” farm.

Which leads me to wonder, is there a chance this would be _wild_ lamb, hunted to near extinction from a country wilderness? Or does “sustainable” mean a whole lot more than my feeble mind thinks it does?

Once they taste the food, everyone thinks it’s great, but from this competition’s hyper-critical viewpoint, it’s not as elaborate as one would expect.

Next up is sweaty BrotherMichael and his salmon platter with sides. As he serves, he explains that he wanted to present “Mediterranean” flavors. Once he’s gone, the chefs pick it apart, criticizing the flavors, adding that calling it “Mediterranean” “threw him under the bus.”

DING! DING! DING! We have achieved “under the bus!” Card down! If you had “stern lady guest judge” and Episode 12 for “under the bus” come on down and claim your very own, brand new, super-exciting Hula Chair!

Then someone finds a bone. And, for once, it’s not Padma. Imagine.

Back in the kitchen, time is running out for BrotherBryan and he’s struggling. Jennifer, who has an extra thirty minutes of cooking time, offers to help, which he thinks is “awesome.” She lends a hand and the land-mass-sized platter is carried out.

He presents his lamb dish (and sides) and everyone immediately remarks on his novel presentation of a garlic chip. But once they taste the dish, things turn ugly as they remark that the lamb was undercooked. Still, though, everyone thinks that had he had enough time, it could have been a winning dish.

Next comes Eli who presents his lamb loin (with sides). Once he’s gone, the judges tear apart the dish, noting that it’s not been carved evenly and is “unpleasant,” much like its cook.

Finally, Jennifer brings out her salmon preparation. It certainly _looks_ like the most remarkable dish of the day. She explains how she cooked the salmon “unilaterally” and pulled this all off without having ever cooked in competition before.

After she’s left, though, stern lady guest judge says that the dish isn’t very well thought-out, despite tasting good. And as for the salmon, some diners report having portions that were prepared perfectly and others say theirs is undercooked.

Overall, it gets mixed reviews.

The diners finish their meals, raise their glasses to Chef Beaucoup for whom the D’Gorp is named and then they call out the chefs to give them one last piece of news.

The winner of the challenge, will not only be going to the finals in Napa Valley and earning the $30,000 bonus prize, he or she will _also_ get a spot to compete for the U.S. at the 2011 Beaucoup D’Gorp.

Gorp for everyone!

The chefs head back to the kitchen for a series of sentimental shots of them cleaning up the kitchen. (Seriously, what other show would dare show us such gripping moments of people sponging down countertops?)

Fakeout scene!

Sitting in the Stewed Room, the final five deliver the answers to life’s most vexing mysteries. Jennifer tells us who was really on the grassy knoll. Kevin tells us where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. BrotherBryan explains how Stonehenge was created. BrotherMichael illustrates the island on Lost. And Eli tells us how he lost his virginity.

Nah. They just sit around and say how cool it has been to be here. … What? You thought someone would actually sleep with Eli?

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

Padma calls all five of the finalists before the judges.

[Dramatic music.]

BrotherMichael is slammed for calling cauliflower “Mediterranean.” He listens patiently. He’s called out for the bone someone found in his food. He makes poutyface.

BrotherBryan is slammed for presenting underdone lamb.

Kevin is criticized for not making something more complex.

Tom explains to Jennifer exactly what she did wrong and why her fish servings weren’t evenly cooked.

Eli gets it for serving fatty sausage and fatty lamb cuts.

And Tom ends it all by saying how good everyone is.

I’m sensing a disconnect here. And I’m left wondering if they’re _all_ going home and this season will be a lot shorter than I expected.

Still, I know this whole challenge was about a higher level of criticism, so it’s about who’s closest to perfect.

After the usual deliberation, the five are called back in for the final verdict.

Chef Gorp announces that the winner of the Showroom Showcase is … Kevin! (Yea!)

(To his credit, BrotherMichael does not react this time, as Kevin is presented with a pile of books and a XXXL Beaucoup D’Gorp chef smock.)

 Noting that the $30,000 prize is almost what he makes in a year, Kevin seeks to earn his keep by breaking into a testimonial for his new overlord, the Jackelope Motor Inn Resort And Casino.

Gooooo, Jackelope!

Then it’s time for the bad news (if it’s anyone but Eli).

Tom reminds us of each of the four presentations’ failings and Padma intones …

“Eli, please pack your knives and go.”

And the angels sing.

And new for an Eli-to-English primer.

What he says: “I could stomach that I got this far.”

What he means: “I’m glad I made it further than Robin did.”

What he says: “I’m not in a situation where I pooched it.”

What he means: “I didn’t ‘screw the pooch.’  Also, I’m a total moron who can’t even master slang terms, much less English.”

What he says: “It’s a mixed gamut of emotions.”

What he means: See above.

Next time on Top Chef: It’s time for the Final Four. And they’re in Napa. With different haircuts! Tune in!

Top Chef Las Vegas: Previews!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Previews!
November 18, 2009

It's Wednesday night. Do you know where your chefs are?

While you figure that one out, here are a couple Bravo-selected previews to whet your appetite for tonight's penultimate episode! (And why am I suddenly thinking Turducken? ... Hey! Whattayaknow? I nailed it!)

From Bravo:

Tonight on a new episode of Top Chef: Las Vegas, things get heated in the kitchen with just FIVE chefs remaining! Tonight the LAST elimination challenge is ahead of them before the finale and the "steaks" (haha, I punned) are higher than ever for our Vegas Chef’testants. With no immunity left, the chefs must make a classically difficult dish involving many different proteins in one, and must make it taste delicious.  Will they be able to pull together a cohesive dish?  And when the chefs must cook for notable chef Thomas Keller in the elimination round, Tom throws them a curve ball.  Who will make it to the finale and who will be forced to pack their knives?

Enjoy!


More Pressure:


Protein Inside a Protein Inside a Protein:

Project Runway: Finally, Part 1

Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: Finally, Part 1
November 12, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: We had a totally worthless episode where the designers got inspiration from a great museum and made some pretty dresses. Those were critiqued and then totally ignored, allowing the standard partial judging panel to put forward three designers to the finals based on work they did earlier. In the end, Christopher and Gordana, who made two of their best dresses, were sent packing, and Irina, Carol Hannah and Althea moved on to the finals.

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Hey, kiddies. This is the episode where we see the designers go home, work on their designs, Tim comes to visit, they come to New York for Fashion Week and are startled to learn they have to make one last dress.

That’s what happens.

So, after the (only seen on last week’s Models show) elimination of Christopher and Gordana’s models, Heidi sends everyone home to await the court ruling on the Weinsteins/Bravo lawsuit work on their 12-outfit collections for Fashion Week.

And before you know it, it’s a snowy winter’s day and Sir Tim of Gunn arrives at the Long Island home which is now home base for Carol Hannah.

It seems our favorite pixie (who still insists on that unfortunate raccoon makeup) has moved from Charleston, S.C., to New York state to further her design career. Now she has taken up residence at a friend’s lovely home (which the husband had wondered how she could afford on her own until this was explained).

She then shows the mentor her work, which was inspired by a tour she took of the Duke University campus on her seven-month trek up from South Carolina to New York. (OK, maybe it wasn’t seven months, but I do suspect she may have walked there, considering how long it took.)

Generally, her collection appears lovely. And we see that she’s stretched (for once) and has finally opted to make pants and separates in addition to her usual evening wear. And, as he has in previous episodes, Tim disabuses her of certain design choices.

After that quick look-see, Carol Hannah “surprises” Tim by having him meet her family and friends. We meet the designer's positively stunning mother, get some biographical info on the lass, see Tim baking while wearing his blazer under an apron (natch) and then it’s time to move on.

He bids her adieu while standing in about three feet of snow. It’s quite touching. All that’s missing are the big, furry Doctor Zhivago hats, a train and “Lara’s Theme.”

Next, Tim heads into Manhattan to check in on Irina’s progress. On his way, we see a bus bench ad for the then-upcoming Grammy award telecast. I believe that was the one where Christopher Cross ran off with all those golden statuettes. (Did we mention this was taped a long time ago?)

At Irina’s studio/apartment, Tim is greeting by a cute, but really yappy Princess who I fear could bite passers-by. Oh, and Irina has a cute dog, too. (Oh, relax! I kid because I love.)

Irina shows Tim her mostly black-and-gray collection which she says is a love letter to New York, the city where she was raised and that has been her inspiration. Her really gray inspiration.

The collection also has a fair amount of that knitwear that she personally invented and Althea totally stole a few weeks back. I believe they are called “sweaters.” She also has incorporated a few slouchy “boyfriend” t-shirts with images of Coney Island.

After Tim’s critique, they head off to another “surprise” dinner with friends and family. There, Irina explains having been born in the Republic of Georgia (the one the Russians attacked, not the one with the unfortunate history with …. avery-slay). She also tells us that while her mother has always been supportive of her career choices, papa hasn’t.

So, at dinner, when Mama Irina makes a touching speech (which is “helpfully” subtitled by the producers, despite her clear English), Irina makes a big gesture of kissing her mother … and nearly forgetting her father was sitting there. Sitting there being all judge-y about this “women having shoes and not popping out babies” thing.

(Side note: During her voiceover, Irina makes me want to break things when she manages to misuse the words “me,” “myself” and “I” no less than four times in one minute. … I focus on these things. Sue me.)

After that, we see Tim put on his battlegear and head into the heart of darkness that is Dayton, Ohio. (Oh, again, I kid!) After a quick tour of the closed factories and soup kitchens, Tim arrives at the post-apocalyptic  warehouse which is home base for Althea.

She explains to Tim that she’s been watching a lot of bleak sci-fi movies and that is where she has turned for inspiration for her collection. (Tim can barely stop himself from breaking it to her that she’s hasn’t been looking at a Mad Max/Blade Runner double-feature, but has only been looking out her window.)

Althea is overjoyed to see the mentor in order to get an opinion from outside her “bubble.” Her sad, overcast, bubble. She shows off her collection and we see that she has incorporated more of those knit “sweater” thingys that she stole from Irina.

We eagerly await the anticipated knitting needle-assisted cat fight once these two meet again. Actually, we anticipate anything that would pass for drama here.

After Tim gets a look at her work (which appears to include a black-spangled jacket from the Liza Minnelli Collection), it’s time for another “surprise” visit with friends and family. Wine is imbibed. “Ohio” is mentioned repeatedly. Mostly as a place the designer will have to leave in order to develop.

Here, we leave our usual narrative and have a quick scene where Tim calls up Irina to give her the bad news that, after a consultation with the lawyers, he’s learned that she’s not going to be allowed to incorporate images of Coney Island in her graphic t-shirts, since those are someone else’s designs. She stresses but figures a way around it.

Oh, the angst.

And before we know it, it’s Fashion Week and the designers start arriving in New York for the obligatory “let’s have them all live in the same hotel room for a few days and see if we can get them to fight” footage.

Irina, who seems to have abandoned her trademark designer smacktalk, arrives first and checks out the hotel room. Then, it’s Althea’s turn to show up and we see that she’s assumed the Irina’s mantle of the bitchiest designer, reminding us how Irina started it, adding, “Nanny, nanny boo-boo.”

After a whole lot of awkward silence, the two start wondering where the hell is Carol Hannah, since these two aren’t too keen on being alone together.

Knock. Knock.

It’s Tim. He has news. “You may be asking yourselves, ‘Where’s Carol Hannah?’” he says. Well, it seems the poor girl is sick. Really sick. It’s some kind of stomach bug. And she’s really contagious.

So, so much for that product placement moment where the three drink up the sponsoriffic champagne around the table and act like they don’t really hate each other. Will Lifetime ever catch a break?

The next morning, we see the two non-sickly designers arrive in their new workspace and unpack their designs. And, after a while, a wee, ashen, raccoon-eyed sickly face pops in the door. It’s Carol Hannah.

Yes, she’s feeling a mite better. No, she’s still sick. But she has to really “make it work.” So she greets the ladies from a safe distance and gets to work herself.

Here is where (once again) like the virus-impacted designer, I drift in and out of consciousness over the boredom of what follows.

Althea talks shit about how she’s not impressed with Irina’s designs. Althea talks shit about how Carol Hannah’s outfits can’t compete with hers. And everyone starts wondering if the modifier “Meana” can be married to the proper noun “Althea.”

After Tim pokes around the collections and makes more recommendations, the designers get a visit from a pair of total strangers.

I believe they are called “Michael Kors” and “Nina Garcia.”

The designers tell us these two mythical individuals will be judging the final competition and, while they’re glad to have their input, they would really rather these two not see their work before the outfits come down the runway.

Althea asks a pretty good question about the order in which outfits should walk the runway. But when the subject turns to color, Nina explains how it’s hard to sell an all-black collection. Here the camera zooms in on Irina for “emphasis.”

Oh no! Irina’s made an all black-and-gray collection! And Nina doesn’t like that! What ever will Irina do?

Will she ditch everything she’s been doing and start over again? Will she suddenly decide to throw chartreuse and purple trim on her outfits?

Basically, Irina decides she’s going forward with what she’s made. Imagine that!

Hey, we take what drama we can get at this point.

And after that’s out of the way, Heidi and Tim arrive in the workroom for the “shocking” revelation that the designers are going to have to … make a 13th design!!

Oh no! Who could have ever foreseen that?!

But they’ll have some help!

Whew! Who? Who? Who? Have they hired an army of Salvadoran seamstresses? Are they bringing in a small phalanx of old, bespectacled tailors? Or are they really going for a left-field choice and saddling them with blind double-amputees?

No! It’s the last three eliminated designers, Logan, Christopher and Gordana.

Wow! Now we know why this is the “most talked-about season of Project Runway!”

Out comes the button bag and the designers pick their helpers.

• Althea picks … Logan (thus depriving Carol Hannah of that whole awkward sexual tension distraction),

• Irina picks … Mama Gordana, and

• Carol Hannah is left with Christopher.

The three pairs get a few minutes to sketch and I nod off again.

When I wake up, they’re shopping for fabric at the real Mood and saying goodbye to the resident pooch, Swatch.

How cute.

Not so cute, though, is how Carol Hannah is feeling.

It’s not pretty. Not one bit.

Sort of like how I feel about this whole season, if you must know.

Next time on Project Runway: Carol Hannah cries. The dresses come down the final runway. And this season is FINALLY over.

Top Chef Las Vegas: Because Nickel Slots Are Just So Inspirational

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Episode: Because Nickel Slots Are Just So Inspirational
November 11,2009

Previously on Top Chef: Robin was still there. Everyone resented that fact. A pretty girl who made a few bad movies made everyone cook vegetarian dishes. And when it was over, Kevin won again, BrotherMichael was pissy about it and, hysterically, DoucheyMike took a hike.

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Morning. People are busy missing their loved ones and making ample use of the sponsor plastic products. And, as he gets to have a conversation with his toddler son, Chef BrotherBryan explains that this contest is a “very unique” opportunity. (Far more one-of-a-kind than other ones, which I guess are one-and-a-half-a-kind?)

The last ladies in the challenge, Chef Jennifer (looking more and more like a she was left out in the rain) and Robin (who is still, well, Robin), are worried that they’re the next to go.

And it’s off to …

No, not the sponsoriffic kitchen at the stellar Budget Inn Resort and Casino. Nope, this time, they’ve been sent to the room service kitchen, deep in the bowels of the Laughing Jackalope Motel.

And where’s Padma? … A phone rings. A stranger answers. “It’s for you.”

Robin finds this “awesome.”

Quickfire Challenge

On speaker phone, Padma tells the chefs that she’s in bed with another woman.

Yeah, we thought that would wake up the straight guys.

The other woman is another mega-hottie, one Nigella Lawson. (Again, I should know who this person is, but I don’t. But she does have quite the TV Q rating.) However, the two are pretty clearly fully dressed, wearing bathrobes over their clothes and in separate beds. There goes that lesbian fantasy right out the window.

Padma tells the chefs that they will have to create a room service breakfast to be served to the Sapphic buzzkills in bed.

The chefs will be serving in pairs. Cooking first, Robin and Chef “I’ll Always Love My Mama” Eli.

Right out of the gate, Robin goes back to being her usual, unfocused mess. (Being as I was once told I was this, I looked up the word once: Emergent.)

Eli works on his play on a corned beef Reuben, using hollandaise instead of Thousand Island dressing. Robin plans on making blintzes, but is, as we said, a mess, and she ends up with one blintz per plate. (It’s tragic, really.)

As Robin and Eli go off to follow the complicated treasure map to the ladies’ suite, Chef BrotherMichael The Pissy gets pissy about how Robin left her station a mess and how he has to spend a whole five minutes cleaning up after her, leaving him with only 20 minutes out of his allotted 30.

Which begs the question about what he did with the other five. … Pissed it away, I assume.

Robin finally makes it to the womens’ suite, having come all the way from the “dregs” of the hotel where the kitchen is located.

Somehow, I don’t think she meant that the kitchen was the most worthless part of the hotel. What would the hotel owners think of that sediment?

She serves her blinz with goat cheese. It gets no visible response.

Eli then serves his “Reuben benedict,” which he says he picked because he normally doesn’t eat breakfast because his mom doesn’t get him out of bed early enough.

Nigella says it’s a good “hangover” breakfast, I assume because the sight of Eli in one’s bedroom in the morning would naturally involve having been totally hammered the night before.

Serving next are BrotherMIchael and Chef Kevin. BrotherMichael is particularly pissy as Robin (who says she was “told” to go get her stuff) gets in his way as he struggles to put the finishing touches on his dish. And, true to form, Robin gets just as touchy when he barks at her to get out of his way.

It’s a drama unlike any other.

BrotherMichael eventually serves his “huevos Cubanos” and, to his surprise, it’s a hit.

Next, Kevin arrives with his play on steak and eggs. And that, too, is adored by the steamy, splayed starlets.

The last pair to cook are BrotherBryan and Jennifer, who seems to still be missing her brain stem. (All units are advised to be on the lookout for it, as it was last spotted leaving a backyard dinner party in October.)

Jennifer of the Missing Brain Stem proudly tells us that she makes room service breakfast all the time and will be preparing … chipped beef on toast, or as it is known in the military, Shit On A Shingle.

Oh, how I wish I was making that up.

As Jennifer serves her unfortunate dish,  Nigella is visibly reluctant to eat something that was just called “Shit on a Shingle.” BrotherBryan’s four-minute egg doesn’t go over too well, either, since it has a strong dessert-y aroma of vanilla.

Moments later, the ladies are de-robed, dressed and delivering the verdict on the dishes.

Nigella declares that the worst dishes were BrotherBryan’s vanilla thunder and Robin’s “one-note” blintz of unfocused cookery.

As for the best, she says those were Kevin’s steak and eggs and Eli’s take on the Reuben which “slapped” Nigella’s jet lag right out of her.

I understand tabasco in the eye and Eli’s face also have that same effect on people.

Still, Eli gets the win. And though he (thankfully) doesn’t win immunity, he does get the honor of being the only chef from this season to be placed in this holiday season’s 32nd Top Chef branded product.

Elimination Challenge

For their next challenge, the chefs will have to create a dish inspired by one of six Las Vegas casinos which ponied up big bucks for the product placement. And since they all can’t make smoked ham with smoked herring in a douchey vinegar reduction, they’ll have to dig deep this time.

Out comes the knife block and the chefs get a pickin’.

• BrotherBryan picks the Banal Mayday

• Eli picks the Best Western Circus City Inn of Peru, Indiana

• BrotherMichael picks the Gotham, Manhattan (and parts of Buffalo)

• Kevin picks the Oasis Palms

• Jennifer picks the Medieval Times Resort, and

• Robin gets the Bagel Oil (a/k/a Fountains! Fountains! Fountains!)

The chefs will be preparing catered dishes for 175 guests at some Las Vegas convention hall, which, if the sign with the burned-out letters is correct, is called the “World Market Cent.”

Padma wishes the “gentlemen” goodbye and says she will see them all for the judging. (Which I figure tells Robin and Jennifer that they can start packing now.)

Next, we get to see each of the chefs go visit their casino overlords to get that inspiration.

BrotherMichael is inspired by Gotham’s fake little Statue of Liberty, its little fake fire boat and its tiny, fake Mayor Bloomberg sitting atop his huge pile of real cash. So, naturally, he is inspired to make a twist on Buffalo chicken wings.

Jennifer then ambles about the Medieval Times where, strangely, there aren’t people running up to her asking what the time on her portable sundial says and shouting “huzzah!” She takes in a jousting show, tells us she has no idea what she’s going to make and takes her stein off to go find a beer wench.

BrotherBryan arrives at the Banal Mayday and decides he’ll go look at the hotel’s shark reef exhibit. He quickly decides to be inspired by a sign next to the sharks which discusses “sustainability." And since he has the same range of facial expressions as the underwater predators, he also decides to buy a toy stuffed shark for his son to remind him of his daddy.

Meanwhile, Robin is delivered to the Bagel Oil to take in the ambiance. There, she’s instantly struck by the overpowering glass artwork of Dale Chihuly.

(Note: I do not care for this art. Many do. I don’t. Never have. I shall strive not to say “figures” every time I see Robin enthuse about it. … Damn! I did it already. Sorry.)

As she examines the glasswork, Robin tells us that she’s actually an artist first. (So, maybe she’s good at _that_?) And that she wants to incorporate her food into her art, or maybe do it the other way around. Because you probably don’t want people licking your sculptures.

Kevin then arrives at the Oasis Palms where he gets to pet a dolphin and tell us about how he’s not a redneck (despite that mane of red fur all around the area of his … neck.)

He explains that he’s about simple food and is not about “style over substance.” Which makes one wonder what the hell he’s doing in Vegas.

Lastly, Eli’s mommy takes him to the circus. He makes a break for it. And before he can be corralled into the Lost Parents ring, he goes on a mad dash looking for ponies and elephants and bears! But Poor Eli is upset, for there are no ponies, elephants and bears! Nope, there are only claw machines, skee ball games, burned-out neon letters and a lot of scary carny folk with cups of quarters.

Next, we see the chefs back at the Casa Cuisine where they are comparing notes.

There, Eli tells the gang his harrowing tale about how he got separated from mommy and was frightened by a clown. It makes everyone vewy, vewy sad.

The next morning, the producers treat us to the mouth-watering view of … a shirtless, inky Kevin first thing in the morning.

Gah!! Show us the aquarium instead! … Thank you.

Well, now that I’ve lost any appetite I may have had, we head right past the sponsormart and straight into the kitchen.

There, Robin explains that she’s going to (once again) make something she’s never done before. This time, it’s making “glass” out of sugar, to be indicative of the hotel’s art work. And she thinks that sabotaging herself is just “awesome.”

Jennifer, meanwhile, is pouring several bottles of wine into a pot, presumably to make everyone so drunk they will forget how much she’s been sucking wind these past few weeks.

Over in EliLand, the gnome is pouring every food substance connected with the circus into a pot. And he plans to garnish his dish with some delightful “pulverized popcorn.” Because that sounds _delicious_. I’m choking on the imagined deliciousness, even.

And he even thinks he can get in a dig at Robin, saying how she’s managed to stay in the race week after week, despite delivering poor dishes. “Hopefully,” he says, “the buck’s about to run out on that one.”

Eli, the luck stops here.

Time runs out and they head to the World Market Cent, which Eli Who Never Paid Attention In English Class describes as a “massive, George Orwellian, 1984-style place” which he thinks is a “cool energy to try to showcase casinos.”

I so wanna kick this guy in the nuts.

As the chefs set up their stations, Robin discovers that her sugar “did not travel well” and now looks like so many broken beer bottles. (Myself, I think that could work. But maybe that’s how I most envision Chihuly’s artwork. … Drat! I did it again!)

And, a moment later, the throng arrives. Kevin makes a cute joke about giving people an imaginary dish (to go with his hotel’s illusionary theme). And then the judges arrive.

As always, we have Padma and Tom. There is the guest judge, the smokin’ hot Nigella (in honor of the casinos' most prominent feature?) and _again_ then there is the talking bunion known as Toby Young.

Where’s Gail, damnit!?

The judges first arrive at Jennifer’s station where she’s prepared a big hunk of New York strip steak with a “spear” sticking into it. She says it’s to signify the Sword and the Stone. Sadly, that’s what the judges think of it, since it seems hard as a rock and they could use a sword to cut it.

Poor Jennifer.

Next, it’s Kevin’s desert oasis-inspired dish of sockeye salmon with napa cabbage and cucumber. It’s a major hit.

This is followed by BrotherMichael’s Buffalo’s A Long Way From Da Bronx play on chicken wings with blue cheese. It, too, is adored by all.

Then, it’s on to Robin’s predictable mess. She’s made a panna cotta. And she helpfully explains to the judges what she made that didn’t work out, bringing out the broken sugar bits that she explains she didn’_ put on the plate. Tom makes a face that screams, “And why exactly did we keep her around, again?”

And while the dish smells OK, the judges all agree that the panna cotta is too solid and the inspirational aspect which would have helped, the “glass” shards, would have helped had they appeared on the plate.

This is followed by a trip to BrotherBryan’s station where he serves them an escabèche of halibut consommé and accent aigu. And the judges like it and its unexpected flavor of accent grave.

Lastly, they go to Eli’s basement to sample his Cup O’ Stuff I Found Under The Bleachers At The Circus. The gnome seems particularly excited to talk about the pretty pink dome he saw while he was lost and how he put that into his cup. The judges patiently listen to him like adults at a four-year old’s violin recital. But once they’re eating the dish, they gag on it, with Nigella barely able to bring herself to ingest the refuse.

As they clear the vile taste out of their mouths, The Talking Bunion trots out a simile he’s clearly been saving up for just the right moment, saying how Eli’s taken a gamble and lost, like so many Vegas visitors.

Oh, I can see why they brought him back!

Fakeout scene!

The chefs end their day with an appearance in an infomercial for Asti Spumante! Thrilling!

Fakeout scene over!

Judges’ Table

In the Stewed Room, Kevin tries to gauge how everyone did and both Jennifer and Robin give him the stink eye.

“That good, huh?”

Padma arrives. She calls up … Kevin, BrotherBryan and BrotherMichael.

Shocker.

Once in front of the judges (and The Bunion), the three chefs’ dishes are praised. Then, proving his worth once more, The Plantar Wart admires BrotherMichael’s cooking, saying it’s “delicate, and sometimes quite effeminate.”

effeminate |iˈfemənət|
adjective
(of a man) having or showing characteristics regarded as typical of a woman; unmanly.

Huh?

After the hosannas have all been sung, Nigella congratulates the winner of the challenge … BrotherMichael!

Of course, he rejoices by shrieking in girlish delight and mincing about the room madly.

And as his extra reward, Nigella awards him a giant box of Franzia wine and a two-day trip to the Franzia family vineyards! Woo hoo! Booze it up, boys (and Michael)!

Next, it’s time for the three bottoms to take their medicine.

On her way into the Chamber of Doom, Robin, already defeated, makes her third comment about being ready to be cut. (Did she just want to outlast DoucheyMike and then go home?)

Once in front of the judges, the chefs take their lumps.

Tom gives Jennifer hints on how she probably should have gone had she wanted to suggest medieval cooking. Nigella restates her witticism about “needing Excalibur” to cut the meat. And The Toenail Fungus consults his Pocket Metaphor Guide For Assholes and declares the dish “more Spamalot than Camelot.”

Really? Did someone actually want this fucker back for a second season?

When they turn their attention to Robin, the bottomest chef explains how _yet again_ she took to working with things with which she’d never worked before. Things like spun sugar. And panna cotta. Which was all there was to her dish.

Here the British Lady Hotness explains that a panna cotta should have the “quiver of a 17th Century courtesan’s inner thigh,” which makes me wonder two things. First, how old is she? And, hmm, maybe there could have been a girl-on-girl thing we missed.

Then they turned to Eli’s floor scrapings in a cup. Tom calls it a “failure” and Padma says she would “never want to eat that again.”

So, of course, he’s going home, right?

The chefs are sent away to go cry while they await the verdict.

As the judges discuss how Jennifer’s fallen so far and has seemingly lost her will to go on, we see her saying that she’s lost her will to go on.

As we see the judges discuss how Robin has been trying to live up to the showy skills of the competition when that’s not her style, we see her saying the same thing to her colleagues.

And as we see the judges discuss the retching mess that was Eli’s sawfust-y sideshow slop, we see Eli not saying anything while Kevin tells him he needs to make that dish several times before he’d be able to get it right.

Finally, they’re called back in.

While we wait through the commercial, let’s see what we _haven’t_ seen this week. No reference to Robin being a mom. No reference to Robin being a cancer survivor. No Robin-annoying-the-shit-out-of-everyone-by-gabbing-incessantly.

Yeah, Robin’s gone.

“Robin … please pack your knives and go.”

Didn’t see that one comin’.

She sobs and hugs the other chefs as she walks out.

You won’t have Robin to kick around anymore!

Next time on Top Chef: Chefs train for this for years. It’s the Chef-A-Lympics! Kevin’s upset that he’s made a mistake. And BrotherMichael gets all pissy (again) about Kevin’s food.

Top Chef Las Vegas: Previews!

Top Chef: Las Vegas
Previews!
November 11, 2009

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Watch 'em. You know you want to.

From Bravo:

Tonight British cook Nigella Lawson guest stars on an all-new episode of Top Chef: Las Vegas where the remaining 6 chef'testants must scramble to whip up a delectable breakfast in bed for both Nigella and Padma! Will be able to satisfy their cravings?

For the elimination challenge, the chefs must find inspiration for their dish from a famous Vegas Hotel & Casino. With such a lavish inspiration and such high stakes, will these chefs craft a winning dish or fall short of expectation?

Catch the episode in full tonight @ 10/9c only on BRAVO.

Personally, breakfast in bed has always had the unfortunate byproduct of crumbs in the sheets.

See you this weekend for the recap!


Breakfast In Bed


Casino Inspiration

Project Runway: The Art Of Ambien

Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: The Art Of Ambien
November 5, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: The designers were charged with the unenviable task of making a dress which is sort of like a dress they made before. And when all was said and done, we lost designer Shiny Pants Logan. His words said he was disappointed to have been eliminated. His face said the same thing it’s said since day one.

---

As we get closer and closer to the euthanizing of this season, we feel as forlorn as does Poor Christopher as he sits all alone in the boys’ room, ruminating on his status as last XY chromosome standing.

He tells us for the umpty-umpth time how he’s the odd duck here, how he’s never been to design school and and how this is his dream and such. I had hoped we’d heard the end of it, but nooooo. In fact, we’ll hear this a few dozen times before the hour’s up.

As they say back home, “Que disco guayado.” (Translation: “Dude’s a broken record with that shit.”)

They head to the runway for the (unseen on _this_ show) dismissal of another model, in this case, Logan’s chickie. I believe her name was Bangy.

Heidi sends the remaining designers to Los Angeles’ Getty Museum where they are greeted by Tim and L.A. Mayor Tom Bradley. (Did we mention this was filmed a while ago?)

After a message from the city boosters, Tim sends the designers (and their models) into the museum to look around. Once inside, they are to seek out some art piece which will serve as the inspiration for their outfit in this, their final elimination challenge.

Now, _that’s_ how inspiration works. None of this, “Here’s a picture of some random place you’ve never visited. Get inspired by that place,” stuff.

They scatter through the halls to seek out their inspiring art.

Disclaimer: I’d say I know more about art than your average schlub in line at Target. But far less that your average Project Runway fan. So forgive me if I screw this up royally.

Carol Hannah becomes focused on this elaborate 17th century French canopy bed which is luxurious, flowing and features a blue fabric with a gold brocade.


Irina picks out Godward’s painting of Mischief and Repose, (which I wouldn’t know had they not mentioned it by name). It features two women in diaphanous robes lying on a marble floor. The designer is enchanted by the sheer fabric of the women’s clothes and the color of the marble.


Gordana, meanwhile, becomes enchanted with a impressionistic Monet painting of Rouen Cathedral. The painting causes the designer to get really emotional and expound on her secret spirituality and such.



The other two designers seek their inspiration from the art and architecture outside.




Althea decides that she wants to create something reminiscent of the building’s architecture, and Christopher The Odd Duck is naturally drawn to the water.

Hence, he seeks his inspiration in a fountain out front. He sees himself as a big gray rock. With algae.

Off to Mood.

They buy fabric. They run around. And Irina skins an alpaca with her teeth.

As blood drips from her fangs, Tim says something about Irina’s carcass looking like a Mongolian rabbit or something …

And it’s back to the workroom.

After the requisite inter-designer backbiting for the cameras, Tim shows up.

He’s impressed with Gordana’s Monet-inspired flowing strapless creation, but reminds her that he never knows what the judges (or the 101  judges’ seat-fillers) will think. All weepy, she says that she’s making this one for herself.

He seems to also like Christopher’s rock-and-algae inspired look but is distressed that the designer wants to attach some kind of stalactites to the outfit. Now the question comes, will Christopher, for once in this competition, listen to the Tim or go off and do his own thing and lose again?

Irina’s goddess-inspired dress is looking good, but she mentions that, due to the transparency of the dress in the painting, she’s adding a lot of lining to hers. And then there’s the carcass on her second dress form. She says she wanted it because the color is like the marble in the painting. Tim says it looks a bit like roadkill.

She thinks about it for about a second before opting to ditch it entirely.

Carol Hannah seems to be doing well with her golden gown. And while the color doesn’t seem to recall the bed inspiration, there is this golden brocade on one shoulder which does. At some point, she mentions to Tim that she wants to drape something across it and he recoils. Being the show’s second smart cookie, the girl knows that’s her cue to 86 that idea.

And then there’s Althea. She’s hard at work on another complicated quilt-work skirt which, in a manner of speaking, does mirror the modern brickwork of the museum’s exterior. But when Tim points out that it’s a “panel of puckering,” I realize that that’s this girl’s entire aesthetic. Virtually everything she’s made has made me think, “Hmm, I wonder how that would look if it was made well and didn’t look like I sewed the damn thing?”

A few snipes later, we’re off to the show. There, Heidi informs us that AGAIN we’re not getting both Michael Kors and Nina Garcia. (This week, we only get Nina.)

What the what?! It’s the week where we decide which THREE go to Fashion Week. It’s the week that TWO of the remaining designers go home. And we STILL don’t get the two primary judges for this?

Fuck that.

The models walk. The outfits are as they appeared, all basically good (except for Althea’s complicated, unfinished mess). On questioning, the panel complains that Irina’s look isn’t done any favors by her chunky heels, bracelet and headpiece.

They have her model remove them and stand on the runway barefoot.

Oh dear. It looks like someone didn’t use the Macy’s accessory wall thoughtfully.

Since they need to fill time and provide some drama (or, in this case, “drama”), we’re treated to the designers having to explain why they “deserve” to go to Fashion Week and to name which other two designers should go with them.

Basically, it’s another excuse to see Christopher cry buckets.

When it’s all over, the panel decides that the dresses each had flaws, but were all basically good (except for Althea’s complicated, unfinished mess). So (I presume) they decided to just ignore everything they just saw and send the three they’ve liked throughout the competition though to the finals.

Congrats Irina, Carol Hannah and … Althea.

So sorry, Gordana and Christopher.

So sorry you had to create some of your best work this week for nothing since it didn’t matter anyway.

See you next week for the finals when we’ll get closer to … getting to see a different season when they’ll hopefully have fixed the “panel of puckering” that this show has become.

Top Chef Reunion Dinner: Previews

Top Chef
The Reunion Dinner
October 4, 2009

In case you didn't know already, this week's episode of Top Chef: Las Vegas is being preempted by a curious reunion dinner (involving a "surprise" cooking challenge) between a bunch of previous season contestants.

From Bravo:

Tonight on a special episode of Top Chef, your favorite chef'testants from seasons 1 – 5 are back to reunite and hash out some of Top Chef's most heated moments! Season 5's Fabio Vivani hosts this exclusive dinner where some of past seasons most familliar faces let it all out on the table.  What will happen when old rivals like Ilan and Marcel confront each other?  And what was the real story behind season 5’s finale between Casey's role in Carla’s failed dishes?

So check out these previews and see what they're cookin' up ... and we'll catch you next week for another go-round with the final six in Vegas! (Cuz I needs me some time off!)

Top Chef'testant Overload


Marcel vs. Everyone


An Angry Dinner


 

Project Runway: Let’s Yawn Again (Like We Did Last Summer)

Project Runway: Season Six
Episode: Let’s Yawn Again (Like We Did Last Summer)
October 29, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: Something happened. I think it involved pictures of places. For the first time since Janet Jackson’s “NippleGate,” both Michael AND Nina were on the judging panel. Irina won again and was just charming about everything. Christopher and Nicolas delivered more awfulness. Despite all indications to the contrary, Christopher was safe and Nicolas was sent back to Featherprincia (where we hope he finds an actual hair stylist).

---

Ack! There’s sun outside. Since this only happens 2.5 days a year ‘round these parts, I need to get out there. So here goes …

The two remaining boys, Christopher and Logan, sit around and discuss how men are getting scarce. Over in the women’s dorm, Irina, Althea and Carol Hannah agree that they’re the three best. Gordana lays on the bed wondering if she’s somehow invisible.

On the runway, the designers sit with their backs to the catwalk and wonder what “surprise” awaits them when they turn around. They hear rustling, turn around and see … Heidi!

Shocker.

And she’s standing next to dress forms holding the remaining designers' challenge-winning outfits (and some random dress from Logan, who has never won anything).

The challenge, Heidi explains, will be to create a companion dress to go with their winning looks.

Oh, sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster in the sky, are we recycling challenges from THIS season already? Are we THAT devoid of ideas now?

Irina gets to design a look to go with her winning Aspen outfit from last week.

Althea gets to make something inspired by her paper bag-waisted shorts/suit look from that week she really shouldn’t have won, had we had regular judges.

Carol Hannah is to make something to go with her black, feather-and-sparkles “Bob Mackie” gown.

Christopher gets to make something to go with his black crinkle-petaled dress from early this season (when we thought he could be a contender).

Gordana’s assigned inspiration is her reworked wedding dress from the divorcées challenge a few weeks back.

And Logan, who’s never won a thing around here, is thrown some random dress we saw for all of two seconds in the first episode.

They go to Mood. Tim yells, “Go! Go! Go!” They shop.

Carol Hannah is concerned that she makes too many dresses, but Tim advises her to stay in her comfort zone for this challenge. Irina changes her plans in the store when she finds a fancy brocaded fabric.

And Logan buys every zipper in the store.

Back in the workroom, they start sewing.

When Tim arrives for his “talk to me”s, Carol Hannah is still stumped. And after Mentor Tim once again works through her stumpage, she is well on her way.

But during the consultations, something unusual happens.

Off in a side room, we see Irina and Althea having lunch (?) where they are both ragging on Logan. And while they are obviously miked, one has to assume they didn’t know they would be on camera since Tim was busy talking to Logan at the time and they were, well, in a side room eating lunch.

Althea mentions that Logan’s collar of zippers looks an awful lot like the collar we didn’t really notice from her dress last week. She adds that she “hates” Logan.

Uh oh.

(Side note: Althea, clearly an actual class act, sent a message to Blogging Project Runway the morning after this aired, apologizing for the out-of-character outburst, saying she was overtired and stressed. Yea for Althea. … Side note over.)

Work progresses and I fall in and out of consciousness.

As the runway show approaches, the sniping from Althea and Irina directed at Logan is replaced by far more predictable sniping from Irina. (Or, as Logan calls her “Mean-a Irina.”)

This time, Kenley 2.0 is upset that the slouchy sweater Althea is designing is an awful lot like her slouchy sweater from the Aspen look.

Hey, it’s what passes for drama this season. We take what we can get.

Finally (and I DO mean “finally”), it’s time for the show.

And whattayaknow, we lost Michael this week. I swear, keeping those two in the same place at the same time is like herding Roombas. Well, at least we have Nina. Sigh.

Christopher presents a gown which is long, black and sleek until it hits mid-thigh when it  explodes in black petals which, in turn, explode 30 yards of white liner fabric. The “judges” say it looks like a bed skirt.

Irina, again, delivers an actually interesting outfit. It has a variation of the pumpkin-colored cowl-necked sweater from her Aspen look which opens to reveal a sexy cocktail dress in that brocaded fabric she selected. All the members of the panel love it, save Nina, who finds the dress a tad “cheap.” The others strongly disagree with that assessment.

Althea sends down something I totally don’t get. She has her controversial sweater (in grey in her outfit) over another too-sheer top and a paper-bag waisted pair of (what look like) harem pants.

On questioning, we have a moment of “drama” when one of the judges asks which of the ladies had the “big sweater idea” first. Guest judge Nick Verreos, a contestant from Season Two, comments offhandedly that cross-pollination is just one of those things that happen in the workroom.

Great job, Nick! Way to eliminate the only tension in the episode. Now we’ll have to cook up something else!

Carol Hannah’s made another dress (to the consternation of the others). It’s a cheery party dress which has the dramatic, totally youthful addition of … wait for it … pockets!! But it is a lovely dress.

Gordana’s on the other hand … She’s delivered a sad, grey, long coat (dress?) over a very utilitarian black skirt. It does match the “inspiration” dress in its color and some detail on the waist. But it has the distinct feel of a worker in a some Iron Curtain factory.

Does anyone else remember this Wendy’s commercial from the ‘80s. It’s like that.



And then there’s Logan. He’s made an outfit that’s really more Halloween costume than fashion. It’s all zippers and (from its look) safety pins. Think “punk girl” at an ‘80s party.

After the questioning, it’s clear Althea, Irina and Carol Hannah are the three best and Christopher, Logan and Gordana are the worst.

And when they are called back, we see Carol Hannah sent away to safety. And the winner of the challenge is … Althea.

Er … yay? I mean, I really don’t get it.

But at least it wasn’t as totally insane as the shiny-shorts look Heidi is sporting.

Once Irina is sent off to safety, Gordana is also given her reprieve.

Leaving Logan and Christopher on the runway.

And after the requisite re-shaming …

“Logan … you’re out.”

Yep. Your shiny pants didn’t save you this time.

(Bonus side note: How sad is it that the Models show is the only interesting thing this season. I mean, has anything we’ve seen so far been nearly as entertaining as Boob-Tape-Gate?)

Next time on Project Runway: We’re a step closer to the end.