Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: The Ass Flap (Or, Sack Up!)
January 21, 2010
Previously on Project Runway: 126 designers descended on New York City in an attempt by the producers to make us forget that the last gawdawful season ever happened. The contestants ran through Central Park to collect fabric to make dresses showcasing their individual styles. One of them named Emilio won for making a snappy little number and another one, whom we won’t soon forget, was sent packing for making an awful mess. Her name might have been Christina. Or Christa. Or Couldn’carelessa.
Be advised, gentle reader. Columbus, Ohio, has some seriously icky weather in winter. As such, the beaches of Mexico proved to be irresistible and I got the hell out of here for most of this past week.
Why do I mention this? Well, I have piles of crap on which to catch up and can’t really wrap my head around PR this week. Plus, I’m still feeling the margaritas.
Morning. Cue the “Wow, I can’t believe someone’s gone home. I now realize this is a competition” footage.
Jesus, The Designated Bottom Feeder, who was in the bottom three last week, is amazed that his faux crocodile-as-evening gown was so poorly received. He insists that he will now “step up.”
After the designers are all seen discussing how they’re looking forward to a trip to Mood and some random unexpected twist, they head off to the runway for the (as seen on the Models show) models pick.
Spoiler alert: The one who was paired with last week’s loser went home. I know. I was crushed, too.
Once that’s over, Heidi sends everyone off to meet Tim at some secret location. And that location proves to be …
A farm. A very muddy farm.
There, Tim, who is clearly very concerned about manure on his couture, is standing in front of all the models, who are each resplendent in the latest model of burlap sack.
Yes, it’s the I Love Lucy "Lucy Wants A Paris Gown" episode!
Tim informs the designers that they will each be charged with making a dress for their models out of these potato sacks. And the models (who by now we’ve learned have horrible taste in clothes) will be their clients.
Sadly though, feed bags will not need to be incorporated into the designs. (Again, Lucy reference. I shouldn’t need to be explaining this.)
One really interesting wrinkle to the challenge (though burlap doesn’t wrinkle) will be that the models will be choosing the designers.
One by one, the walking coat hangers pick the dressmakers. And surprisingly, a couple of them actually pick designers other than the ones who had picked them.
Of course, since not only do I not give a crap about the models but I also haven’t had time to process who any of them are, I’ll just say that Mila’s model threw her over for Miss Anthony Bouvier.
This sets in motion a cataclysm which ripples through the fashion world to this day.
Or it just makes a few of the other girls pick different designers too.
Back in the workroom, Mila, The Elder Of The Bangs, is still whining about how her model dumped her and she’s determined to show her how she just doesn't care. She doesn’t care at all about it! Not one bit! And she makes a point of stopping everyone who walks by to impress on them exactly how much she doesn’t care.
Miss Anthony Bouvier, who was picked by the evil, evil model, is on the receiving end of much of Mila’s bangy bitterness. Still, he understands. After all, “This is a competition.”
As work proceeds, we see that most of the designers are working to dye their burlap, which we learn is a time-consuming process. Some others though, such as Ping Who Came From Planet Claire, are letting the fabric stay all rustic-y.
Then, Tim arrives earlier than he normally would for his walk-around.
He greets Pamela Of The Vowel-Deprived Last Name. She explains that she’s making her dress look like denim. (Because she wanted her dress to get away from an association with a farm?) This, Tim doesn’t mind. What concerns him is that she’s insisting on making it all one piece.
Mila explains that she’s going to try to turn her sack into an ultra-modern dress. Asked about why she’s adding some particular frippery to the dress, the haggard one explains that it’s something her model wanted. Tim tells her to forget about the model, since, as we’ve said before, they’re not what we’d call “good” at fashion.
Jay The Cockatiel makes Tim have a petite mal seizure when he explains how much work he’s planning on putting into his work. And Ping, surprisingly, doesn’t make Tim writhe on the floor with her design style.
Still, he does tell her to be aware that her dress may be a tad too short. And with the judges looking up at the models who will standing on the runway, the fact that they could look up at the poor girl’s lady business could prove “vulgar.”
Ping responds with a look that says, in no uncertain terms, “Hmmm. What should I have for dinner?”
Actually, she says she’ll lower the hem. And considers the duck for her entree.
Tim checks in with Amy The Persian Wonder and learns that she too is faced with a model who is requesting a dress that looks like poo. Tim reminds her that the models aren’t the judges. (Again, models’ tastes are all in their mouths. Which is ironic, since they don’t eat.)
Checking in with Jesus Of The Deep, Tim learns that the designer’s plan is to fulfill the requirements of this challenge by using the burlap as scratchy underwear onto which he will affix the usual boring evening gown he wanted to make anyway. The mentor is not pleased. And it makes him resort to … a pun. Yes, an actual pun.
It wasn’t pretty.
And neither is the outfit. But more on that later.
Tim tosses off his usual list of catchphrases and sends in the models.
We see the designers try to sell the models on their designs. Ping works to make sure her model’s “buttocks are covered.” And Jesus proves he has never seen this show before, since he thinks that if his model “backs him up” on the runway, the fact that he totally ignored Tim’s advice will not be noticed.
Miss Anthony Bouvier complains about his model’s shitty taste. Mila, gleeful that her old model is giving another designer headaches, is totally glad, glad you hear?! that she was dumped and is having just a perfect, perfect time with her new model. See? Watch us laugh! We’re having such good time over here!
And the day ends.
The next morning, we see the designers performing their morning regimens and it’s off to the workroom again for a few hours of sewing and product placement before the show.
During the scramble, designer Jonathan (there’s a designer Jonathan?) says that he doesn’t see why Ping’s so excited about her dress, since it leaves the model’s ass totally exposed.
“Maybe there’s supposed to be an ass flap,” he says. “I don’t know. It’s very strange.”
Scramble, scramble, scramble … aaaand time!
On the runway, Heidi greets the designers, welcomes the (thankfully still here) Michael and Nina and introduces this week’s guest judge, the star of American Gigolo, Lauren “Yes, I Like My Tooth Gap” Hutton!
On with the show!
(OK, we still have way too many designers to even bother considering all of these looks. So, I won’t even bother. Yet.)
After the show, Heidi calls out the three tops and three bottoms.
The tops are Persian Amy, Cockatiel Jay and Bangy Mila.
Amy’s outfit looks remarkable, flirty and fun. Plus, the fabric manages to retain its original character.
Jay’s look is also a sexy party dress, only this time in dark shades of blue with a very textured skirt. The outfit manages to transform the fabric and even tricks the judges into thinking that maybe he cheated by using some other fabric instead. He didn’t. And that gets him high praise.
And Mila gets laurels, too, for managing to overcome the terrible, wretched insult of being dumped by her original model ... Oh, and for managing to make a really, really sexy, ultra-modern dress which serves up enough side-boob to keep most teenage boys in need of a daily supply of tissues and hand cream.
The bottoms are ruled to be Jesus The Jorrible, Pamela Ptkqwrty and The Bottomless Ping.
Jesus gets raked over the coals for making a boring, mostly brown evening dress. And he really gets it for sidestepping the challenge by covering up the burlap almost completely.
Pamela, meanwhile, has made her burlap sack look like a denim miniskirt that looks just like it stepped off the Rock Of Love Bus. The less said about it the better. But, seriously, if someone can make a runway model look like someone who would get the attention of Sir Mix-A-Lot, that’s saying something. Even the model can’t bring herself to say something nice about it. (And we’ve established that models have shitty taste.)
In fact, we learn later that the model thought the dress made her look like a cowgirl. Or a reverse cowgirl. I can never tell those two things apart.
And, lastly, there’s Ping. Oh, Ping. Poor, crazy, Ping.
This season’s wackadoo did manage to keep the dress looking like burlap. And she did manage to “create an interesting silhouette” (which is what I always hear whenever someone makes a dress which makes a woman look like she has wings where her hips would be). But she also allowed everyone in the room to see What The Proctologist Saw.
Which I think was the name of an old Mack Sennett silent picture, if I’m not mistaken.
Anyhoo, after the usual back and forth, (and a Seacrest-esque fake-out from Heidi) the winner is … Cockatiel Jay! Yea!
So, after the three tops are gone, Ping is then sent off to safety as well. (Yea! She’s a fun crazy.)
Which leaves Jesus and Pamela.
A moment later, Heidi delivers the verdict. And the auf’ed designer is … Pamela.
And so she heads off down that dusty fashion trail. Yee haw.
Next time on Project Runway: Teams! Sniping! And someone will have to work with Ping!