Project Runway: Big, Ole Ruby Red Dress

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: Big, Ole Ruby Red Dress
February 4, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: The designers worked in teams to make two dresses, one that mattered and one that didn’t. This ensured that we’d get one decent dress and one worthless dress out of each team. It also guaranteed a decent amount of backbiting and drama. Jesse wore a hat and ragged on Ping. Jonathan snarked about Mila, but she won anyway. On the runway, a model actually thought someone would want to hear from a model. In the end, the judges said that, no, they didn’t wanna put a Ping on it.

---

Morning. The ladies' suite is down one more designer. Everyone is sad to see poor Ping’s bed all empty and unmade. Or maybe that’s just one of her dresses she’s left behind on it. It’s hard to tell.

Over with the fellas, Jesus El Jodido is “really, really excited” to still be here, despite being one of the worst designers whose solo work invariably puts him in the bottom two. It’s part of his bizarro winning strategy. “I think that I’m already showing the judges I’m capable of designing amazing stuff!”

If by “amazing stuff” he means “really vertical hair.”

Back with the ladies, we see Mila (“Chitty Chitty”) and Maya (“Bang Bang”) working on their matching ‘dos and we begin to wonder if this odd dynamic will take on an All About Eve flavor before too long.

And it’s off to the runway!

There (on last week’s Models show) we see that the Annoyed Asian Valley Girl Model Who Just Can’t Be Bothered is cut. Heidi makes her usual Sphinx-ish  comment about the upcoming challenge. She tells them they will be designing a look for a Fashion Week gala and says they’ll be meeting “a group of very inspiring women.”

The designers then move back to the workroom to meet Tim. The mentor introduces them to the president of Progresso™ Soups (or something like that). It seems the makers of so many delightfully sodium-laden treats are working with the American Heart Association to sponsor a heart disease awareness gala. And the designers will be working with women who have been personally affected by heart disease.

Cue the inspiring ladies.

These women, Tim explains, will be the models for the designers' looks. In keeping with the event’s theme, the dresses will have to have red as a primary color. And, in keeping with the “we need to associate our corporate brand with something really honorable so you keep buying our product” theme, the designers will also have to incorporate the Progresso™ logo into their design.

He also mentions that not only will the winning designer accompany his or her model to the Fashion Week gala, but the winning dress will be put into limited production and sold online.

Mila explains that she’s really excited to be working with “a real woman,” since they’ve been working with drag queens up until this moment and tucking is such a challenge.

The designers and inspirational women pair off, and the models begin relating their stories of inspiration to the designers so as they may become more inspired. Somehow, through their inspiration, the contestants manage to sketch out their outfits.

The inspiration, naturally, makes several of the designers get all weepy. It also seems to have made Seth Aaron (“The Bandana Holds My Brain In”) really congested.

Jesus is excited that his model is “really, really tiny.” Amy (“The Pierced, Petite Persian”)  is going to make a long, flowing evening gown. And Mila saw some stars on the Progresso™ logo someplace, so she’s inspired to make another large graphic piece the centerpiece of her design.

Anthony (“The Refugee From RuPaul’s Drag Race”) is particularly inspired, owing to his mother’s battle with heart disease. Sadly, we never learn what inspired him to wear a Member’s Only jacket anywhere outside of an ‘80s party.

Then, once sufficiently inspired, they’re off to Mood!

There, Tim introduces them to buckets of red, Progresso™-approved fabric and sets them loose to shop. The designers each say that they’ll be making a red dress. Anna (“A Carbon-Based Life Form”) gets excited about boning. Seth Aaron find it “awesome” that he stayed under budget. Aaaaaand, time!

Thank you, Mood!

Back in the workroom, Tim tosses off his catchphrase and it’s time to get sewing.

Maya explains she’s incorporating a subtle, halfhearted half-heart into her design. We get (what is edited together to appear to be) some construction drama with Amy’s dress. And there appears to be some guy in the workroom named “Ben.”

Everyone expounds on how other designers aren’t used to working on non-model-shaped women. Seth Aaron’s model suggests he design something very outside of his usual style. And the women continue to fulfill their Lifetime obligation by being inspirational to help the designers though it all.

Janeane (“The Sad Trombone”) then discovers her mortal enemy: Water. Somehow her dress took a dunk into a trash can filled with the dress-killing liquid (?) and she’s totally at a loss as to what to do now.

Tim arrives for his cliché-a-round.

First up, Jesse (“The Pirate Booty”). Tim doesn’t think that the designer has much fashion happening without adding a jacket to his look.

Next, Anna. We totally ignore her horrible dress and focus on her inventive tracing of the Progresso™ logo onto some chiffon (where it doesn’t register on camera, much like the designer herself).

Over to Mila. Something about chicken and stars. Tim thinks it’s mm-mm good.

Jesus. Tim makes a face at his dress and only mentions that he’s impressed that he got his model to fit into the … we’ll call it a "dress."

Zip over to Maya. She explains her half-heart concept, but hasn’t done her mandatory Progresso™ corporate branding. Tim agrees that making a clutch purse papered in the logo would help fulfill that annoying requirement.

Amy’s doing well and is planning on leaving the model’s chest scar exposed. Tim likes the idea.

Over to Seth Aaron. Tim’s perplexed that the designer is doing something drape-y and Grecian when that’s totally not his thing. This gets Seth Aaron’s head to exploding which, again, is only prevented by the aforementioned bandana.

So, you can assume that the other designers are the middle of the pack.

Speaking of which, we get to hear from Emilio (“The Early Leader Who Fades Fast”). He slams, let’s see … Anna’s dress’s construction, Jay’s “train wreck” of a dress, and pretty much everyone else’s outfits, too.

Ding! The day ends and, before you know it, it’s the morning of the runway show. More boys breaking out the bow ties and girls working the flat-iron. And, back to the workroom!

There, this alleged “Ben” says he’s worried for Seth Aaron, since he’s scrapped his entire look and has started a new one from scratch.

Everyone is worried that they don’t have enough time. Maya thinks that since they’re all doing red dresses, it’ll be like comparing oranges to oranges, or apples to apples. Or more appropriately, tomatoes to tomatoes.

Cue this season’s emerging designated smack-talker.
 
“What is that?” asks Emilio of Mila’s graphic-print dress. “It looks like a cheap flag at the Thanksgiving Day parade.”

Wow. He really must have the world’s greatest dress in the works on his table, right?

A few minutes for a hair-product infomercial, Jonathan (“Not In This Episode”) making it sound like something dramatic is actually happening, aaaaaand time!

On the runway, Heidi ∓ Eight appears, recaps the challenge and introduces regular judges “Hey guys” and “Hello everyone” and guest judge, Noted Lady With Long, Brown Hair.

Let’s start the show!

• Jonathan’s made a long evening gown with several tiers. It’s pleasant. And notable in that it’s the only one which doesn’t use the Bloody Mary color on all the others.

• Emilio’s made a red, strapless cocktail dress, notable in that it’s a big steaming pile of yawn coming from a designer who thinks he’s sooooo much better than everyone else.

• Maya’s heart-thingy dress is curious. The heart shape is in a bronze-y colored fabric and the dress is a work of draping. Something about it is intriguing. And something about the dress hurts my eyes. I can’t tell which feeling is stronger.

• Anthony’s model totally rocks the runway in her sassy, full-figured yet fashionable corporate logo dress with matching vest.

• Amy’s model then comes out in her long, Grecian, chiffon strapless evening gown. It floats down the runway. It’s very pretty. It just isn’t anything we haven’t seen a million times before.

• Jesus then vomits his latest creation all over the stage. Perfect for any Vegas whore or Brett Michaels reality show, your skank will look just stunning in this tight, shiny red mini-dress with side panels and cheap, sparkly doodads about the neck. Toot, toot! Heeeeey, beep, beep!

• And speaking of vom, here comes Anna’s outfit. Now, seriously, we saw that her model is a lovely looking woman, the size and shape of a regular person. Sadly, the designer has made her look like a linebacker in a red cocktail dress. It’s just really, really unfortunate.

• Jay’s model, though, does look lovely. She’s wearing a well-tailored evening dress with a sweetheart neckline and a pleated (?) bodice. Again, very pretty. Just not at all inventive.

• Jesse’s model comes out wearing his red dress, but it’s covered by a short, shiny off-white jacket with the logo fabric thrown on as what appears to be a soupy fabric brooch. When the jacket comes off, it reveals a pretty cocktail dress. This, I suspect, will save him.

• This Ben person appears to have snuck a model into the show. She looks pleasant enough in a long, Jessica Rabbit evening gown with a slit up to her lady business. That’ll stop some hearts.

• Then, Mila’s starriffic design comes out. It’s a perfect fit and the model works it like nobody’s business. Yes, it’s a tad “Turkish Flag As Evening Wear,” but it’s really the one dress that seemed the slightest bit unique.

• Next, it’s Janeane’s dress. Ugh, ugh, ugh. A thousand times ugh. She says she “made a pretty dress.” I beg to differ. She says it has a nice hem. I disagree. The hem looks like it’s been pinned up to reveal a slip, and the neckline looks like the model’s shoved tissues into her cleavage and left them there. Who knew one bucket of water could do such damage?

• Finally, it’s Seth Aaron’s two-minute design. It’s nice, though totally unremarkable. It’s a red top over a black skirt made to look like a one-piece dress. It looks like it was the best design he could come up with in ten minutes. Which, considering the competition, is still a heap of a lot better than some of the others.

Once the show’s over, the judges send away the middle-of-the-pack, or as they are otherwise known, the designers who didn’t get noticed at any point earlier in the hour.

This leaves … Amy, Mila, and Maya as the three tops, and Jesus, Anna and Jesse as the three bottoms.

The judges basically say they like Mila’s since it was special, though it probably wouldn’t work on a variety of body shapes. Jesse’s dress looked OK, they think, but with the jacket, it looks like “a majorette.”

While Jesus feeds the judges a load of B.S., I decide I’ll just focus on the random shots which catch Jesse’s eyecatching backside. This spares me from having to listen to Jesus' “I made something that’s really elegant” crap.

The judges adore Amy’s look and don’t have a single negative thing to say about it.

Anna attempts to explain away why she would make a lovely lady look like a defensive tackle.

Everyone seems confused by Maya’s creation. They seem drawn to it, but don’t know why. The consensus: It’s “interesting.”

The designers are sent away for the usual chit-chat and dish. For some reason that escapes me,  the judges agree that Jesus is good with construction. Someone mentions “bosoms.” (How very "Match Game '75"!) And we all get to count how many times the judges can mention the Progresso brand in three minutes.

The designers are brought back in.

Maya is in. She heads off to claim dibs on the flat-iron.

Amy is … the winner of the challenge! (Yea!) She heads off to come up with something else remarkable (and hopefully develop some personality).

Mila is in. She heads off to wrestle Maya for the hair product.

Jesse is in. He heads off so we can watch him walk away.

Leaving Anna and Jesus.

Heidi shames the pair before delivering the verdict.

Anna … is in. She heads off to occupy space until next week.

Which means Jesus is out.

Y jodido.

Next time on Project Runway: An unprecedented reward! Clown clothes! And Tim is worried!