Project Runway: Washer Wear

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: Washer Wear
March 4, 2010

Previously on Project Runway: All sorts of people from countries where it snows gathered in the one place in Canada where it doesn’t ever snow, for a few days of frozen slip-n-slide. Janeane was eliminated after the final ice dancing competition. And Seth Aaron won immunity for his performance in the two-model luge. (I may have missed a detail in there somewhere.)

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Morning. The boys rejoice in their successes, seeing as the women have been decimated. Jay (“Who Wears Short Shorts? We Wear Short Shorts!”) shows that he’s mastered the art of subtraction and runs off to don his ridiculous leather fringe vest.

Over at the ever-shrinking Team Gyno, things aren’t quite so festive as they’re reduced to somber rituals involving flatirons and French presses.

Off to the runway! There (on the unseen Models show), some other model no one cares about was eliminated, which saved this anonymous chickie from having to hear more whining about who’s not taking out the trash back at the suite.

Heidi The Fertile Crescent makes her vague proclamation about the next challenge and sends the designers off to meet Tim and “one of America’s favorite designers.”

Shocked. Shocked we are when we see that they’re meeting Tim at ... Michael Kors’ SoHo store. There, the designer with the world’s most disturbing “outie” (If you haven’t seen the picture, don’t click. Really. It’ll scar you for life.) informs them that this is the long-awaited “unconventional materials” challenge! (Yay!) He tells them that they’ll have to “push the envelope” and “think outside the box” because it’s time that they “step up to the plate” and “bring something new to the table” so they can “raise their game” and not be “pitchy, dawg.”

So it’s off to … a hardware store!

Oooo!

Amy (“The Farsi Fashonista”) is excited at this prospect, presumably because her lower lip has hardware experience. Emilio (best known for his work as Fat Albert’s friend, Mushmouth) is not thrilled, as he only makes glamorous evening gowns and can’t be bothered to do something “crafty.”

Now, not only will they have to be making their outfits from materials purchased at the hardware store, but they’ll also have to make “a fabulous accessory” to go with their look. (I’m hoping this has a major effect on their thoughtful use of the ruelala.com accessory wall.)

The designers get $150 and 35 minutes to spend it in the store. They immediately grimace at that prospect, since hardware is apparently a lot more expensive that fabric. (Like I would know.)

Maya (“La Femme Nikita”) is excited about the challenge, since she’s worked with unusual objects before. (Presumably, these would include lipstick cases that double as switchblades, poison-filled pendants and suspenders which double as grappling devices.)

While most of the designers grab things that can, in bulk, cover a human body, Wrong Way Emilio decides to “go the other route” by buying washers and cording instead. Once at the register, he realizes he’s gone way over budget and is left with very little cording and very few washers. (Remember, last time he “went the other way” by purposely being a non-imaginative as he could be. And yet, he remains.)

Jay, meanwhile, is busy buying garbage bags, daring to laugh in the face of the Curse Of The Daniel Franco. We’ll see how that goes.

And, in an attempt to present a model completely free of epidermis, Amy snags a bunch of sandpaper for her outfit.

Time!

Back in the workroom, Tim arrives to tell the designers how much time they’ll have and to toss off some contractually obligated catch phrases.

With that, the workroom goes Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Dead Or Alive - “My Heart Goes Bang (Get Me To The Doctor)”

Jay explains that his master plan with the garbage bags is to try to make an outfit that looks like leather. Plus, unlike everyone else, he’s making pants instead of a dress. (OK, this one is talented AND smart.)

Seth Aaron (“Not In This Episode”) goes Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Jesse (“The Cute One With The Ninth-Grader’s Mustache”) says he’s hoping someone else screws up more than he’s expecting to screw up.

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Maya’s making a necklace out of keys.

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Anthony (“The Supposedly Fashionable One Who Wears Uncle Junior’s Members Only Jacket”) will be trying to make something hard look soft. (Insert dirty joke here about how unappealing I find this guy.)

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Jonathan (“The One With The ‘Terrorist Scarf’”) admits he’s clueless and bonds with Amy over copper.

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Emilio pooh-poohs everyone else’s tired “give the models something to wear” concept and tells us that he’s instead going for a Paco Rabanne approach by having his model walk the runway wearing only cologne.

As the day proceeds, Emilio is “fustrated” by his attempt to fashion a macrame plant holder into a Day-Glo stripper outfit. And Mila (“You're wrong when it's right.
It's black and it's white.”) reveals that she’s stretching yet again by creating a mod color-blocked outfit. Only this one’s made out of black and white paint tray liners.

Katy Perry - Hot N Cold

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Jesse wrestles with his “fabric,” which he’s discovered is actually a bolt of sticky tape. And Jay tells us that it has been his lifelong dream to break the Curse of the Franco. And he sobs over ... having to endure having older siblings?

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Next, it’s time for Tim’s CatchphraseRoutlette!

First up, Mila. He’s intrigued by her dress. And moreso by her accessory, a set of paint can labels which she’ll be fashioning into cuffs.

Next, it’s Jesse’s turn. He’s making an “Elizabethan mini” which looks like an elementary school play costume made out of copper flashing. His accessory will be ... a hairpiece.

Emilio feeds Tim a load of bullcrap to cover up the fact that he’s basically preparing to send down the runway a naked model wearing a metal mobile. He says it may end up being a bikini. His accessory is … nothing.

Tim’s concerned that whatever mess Anthony’s making is “not pretty.” So, Mr. Sassypants decides to scrap his metal and start over.

Once at Jay’s station, Tim is amazed. He’s particularly stunned that Jay has managed to turn the clichéd garbage bag concept into something really dazzling. But he does remind Jay that he’s going to have to make an accessory, as that is a requirement of the challenge.

With Maya, Tim drools over her key-necklace accessory and marvels at what’s shaping up to be a pretty cool dress with a collar made out of Venetian blind cording.

Seth Aaron and Ben (“The One From The Milk Carton”) run off to cash their checks for their work as extras in this episode.

Tim sends in the models.

Jonathan explains that his accessory is … a clutch. Jay struggles to with his “leather” pants, since the polyethylene fabric has contracted significantly and now won’t fit the model’s big toe. And Emilio works on cooking up a new bullshit story about how his look is very Valley Of The Dolls, 2009. (If Neely O’Hara has now developed a fondness for romping the beaches naked with plumbing utensils dangling from her nipples, I presume.)

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Jay works on his accessory … a molded “leather” belt made from the same garbage bags.

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Jesse, worried about how his copper looks like everyone else’s copper, decides to paint his outfit a sad battleship grey.

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Before you know it, the day of the runway show arrives and everyone’s freaking out over their bleeding fingers and halfway done outfits. For the boys, Jonathan pulls out another spot-on impression (this time it’s Heidi) and predicts they’ll all be bottoms this time. And for the ladies … Maya makes her bed.

(Have I mentioned lately how impossible it is to joke about these women since they seem to be, while talented, totally devoid of personality?)

Back in the workroom, we get more Dead or Alive.

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Jesse discovers the joys of duct tape.

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Tim shows up for the usual commercial endorsements and …

Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Then, the models arrive to have their skin ripped off with the new DeWalt DW680K 3-1/4" Heavy Duty Planer Kit 5.2A 15000 RPM. Fashion is pain, folks.

In the final moments, Emilio struggles with how he’s going to keep from revealing the season-long mystery of whether his model has boy parts or girl parts on the runway. See, his “bikini bottom” is made of 20 metal washers. Which, when coupled with pink string and gravity doesn’t make for a combination compatible with FCC standards.

So, he decides to tie the top part to the bottom part, call it a one-piece bathing suit, and say this was his plan all along.

Now, about that accessory …

Anthony, meanwhile, observes that Seth Aaron’s look looks tortured. And Jesse’s look looks tortured. And Ben’s look looks tortured. Much like Anthony’s Motor-Mouth Mabel routine is tortured.

After the final nips and tucks (the tucks, I assume, are on the part of Emilio’s model), it’s time for the show!

Heidi The Seed Pod arrives and introduces the judges, “Hey, guys,” “Hi, everyone” and guest judges, This Jewelry Guy and That Lady Who Covered Up Michelle Obama’s Guns.

On with the show!

• Mila’s paint-tray look is, as expected, black-and-white and mod all over. It looks cool, but I keep imagining that the model is being sliced up by that plastic pretty nicely under there.

• Jesse’s look is … well, not the worst thing in the world. The skirt is a poofy grey thing which, as the judges say later, looks like a dirty air filter. (Actually, they said it was a dirty vacuum cleaner bag. But, since I’m sure none of them has ever actually touched a vacuum cleaner bag, I’ll forgive the error.) The top part of the dress, though, looks quite exactly like the gladiator outfit I wore in seventh grade Latin class. (I still have the helmet, if you wanna see.)

• Jonathan’s look is a coppery dress and is generally ... acceptable.

• Anthony’s dress is purple and meshy and sleep-inducing. It looks exactly like something he threw together after he sent his first outfit into the recycling bin.

• Ben. Something metal. No one cares. Not this week anyway.

• Emilio. Oh my gaw. Worse even than I imagined. Electric Barbarella as the walking contradiction of a naked person who still will make you wait two hours while they try to get through airport security.

• Jay’s model comes out in what is arguably the coolest outfit ever. “Leather” pants, a stripe-patterned strapless top with a very intricate woven belt. And all made of garbage bags and tape? Brilliance.

• Seth Aaron of the Bang Bang Boutique finally gets to show off what all that noise was about: An occupant of interplanetary craft encased in a sheet metal party dress. Perfect for next year’s Miss Galaxy competition. Bleep bloop blorg.

• Amy’s model emerges wearing the Cocktail Dress O’ Sandpaper. It’s marvelous and totally in keeping with her whole napkin-y design aesthetic. I’m assuming it’s a lock for the top three.

• Maya’s model comes out in her lavender-grey shift dress, but it’s the structured made-from-cording jacket with a high collar that stands out. And the necklace made of keys _ remember that accessory requirement? _ is stunning.

Once the show’s over, Heidi calls out … I’ll let the husband do this one.

“If we didn’t show you during Tim’s ‘talk-to-me’s, please step forward.”

Thanks, hon.

Ben. Jonathan. Amy. (Amy? Really?) Seth Aaron. Off you go! Maybe next time you’ll remember to be featured during work time!

At first, what with Amy not being in the top three, I’m a tad confused as to who’s in the top and who’s in the bottom. But a second later, I realize the three tops are Mila, Maya and Jay. And the bottoms are Emilio, Anthony and Jesse.

During the questioning, the judges ooh and aaah (rightfully) over the tops and note Mila as what I’ll consider the “honorable mention” after Jay and Maya’s stunners.

One kind of comical moment comes when, while creaming over Jay’s design, Michael Kors marvels over Jay’s “bias-cut trash bags,” as if there exist any woven plastic trash bags in the first place. (See definition: bias.)

But on questioning Emilio, not only do they not ask about his non-existent accessory (clearly the reason we have a jewelry designer as a guest judge), but they let him get away with his bullcrap about having initially intended to make a metal bathing suit which left his model Naked On Lifetime.

Anthony is called out for making a “boring prom dress” and Jesse gets it for making something his model look like a Hershey kiss. Or “the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz.” (Well, maybe the Tin Man’s saucy sister.)

Once the designers are sent away, the judges deliberate. As usual, they basically recap what they said before, with Michael Kors adding that with Maya’s look you could “dissemble” what she did. Well, I don’t know why you’d want to hide it under a false appearance. But you certainly could disassemble it and wear each piece separately.

The designers are called back in.

Maya is in. She heads off to to receive her next covert assignment.

Jay is … the winner of the challenge.

He wets his Hammer Pants out of excitement.

Mila is in. She severely sashays away.

Anthony makes 17 goofy faces, is declared safe. He heads off back to Sugarbaker Designs before he’s docked for another day’s pay.

Which leaves Emilio and Jesse.

After the usual shaming … Jesse … is out.

What the poo?

I mean, Jesse’s look was no great shakes, but a naked model and totally avoiding one of the requisites of the challenge entirely? And he’s safe?

I call shenanigans.

Anyhoo, Jesse promises we’ll see him … and not back among the Castmembers, I assume.

Next time on Project Runway: Tim is worried! A cat in a baby sling! It’s bizzah!