Top Chef D.C.: Setting Presidents

June 16, 2010

Hey kids! Welcome back to Cliffieland and another season of Top Chef. Let's see if I can get through a whole season without totally losing my mind, shall we?


It's our seventh season of Top Chef! And this time Padma, Tom, Gail (and new regular judge Chef Eric Ripert!) have landed in my old stomping ground, the D. of C.! And even before the show actually starts, we hear our first "under the bus." (Ooh, we'll be drinking a lot this season; I can tell.)

(Personal aside: Having lived in D.C. for 16 years, one thing I was regularly surprised by was the lack of really great restaurants. Now, either I'm seeing things I missed before or - more likely - there has been an explosion of great restaurants there which have appeared in the past five years since I left. ... In fact, I was just there a month ago and ate at Chef Spike Mendelsohn's and Chef Art Smith's restaurants and both were great. Also, there are dozens more I wasn't able to get to. So, maybe they were just waiting for me to leave. ... Aside over.)

It's a new season, with a new city and new sponsors we will studiously try to avoid. Plus, the winner of the season will get a beefed up cash prize along with bragging rights. So, let's meet our new players!

• Tiffany Derry, 26 — Resides in Dallas (Hometown: Beaumont, Texas): She thinks it would be "awesome" to be the first African American winner of Top Chef. I think it would be "awesome" if people expanded their vocabularies.

• Stephen Hopcraft, 40 — Resides in Las Vegas (Hometown: Cleveland): Buckeye. Dad. Left his kids to compete on this thing for a couple weeks before he's inevitably sent back home.

• Tracey Bloom, 33 — Resides in Atlanta (Hometown: Rochester, New York): This year's Chef Rosie O'Donnell.

• Kenny Gilbert, 36 — Resides in Telluride, Colorado (Hometown: Cleveland): The contestant who answers the question, "When you look and sound like Isaac Hayes, are you predestined to become a Chef?" Gets bonus points for saying his confidence level is at at ten on a ten-scale. As opposed to, say, 26.

• Kelly Liken, 33 — Resides in Vail, Colorado (Hometown: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania): Takes pride in all things Colorado. Also notes that she's been named a "one of" the top chefs in the country. Only she mentions that she was named one of the "top, young, female" chefs in the country. This makes me kind of sad. I expect she will also be one the top short-haired, brunette chefs under 5'7". on this show.

• Lynne Gigliotti, 51 — Resides in Hyde Park, New York (Hometown: Philadelphia): Cooking instructor. Here to teach some folks a thing or two. Has no tattoos or crazy hair. But does have  that distinct Jodie Foster accent. Wink, wink.

• Arnold Myint, 32 — Resides in Nashville: The chef with a serious case of the FAB-u-lous!! The child of Southeast Asian parents, is a mix of Nashville, Thailand and Tommy Tune. In preparation for the show, made up an interpretive dance, got a facial and hired a personal stylist to help him pick out nifty scarves. ... Oh, how I wish I was making this up.

• Kevin Sbraga, 30 — Resides in Willingboro, New Jersey: Representin' Jersey. Will be working hard to make Jersey proud. And to dispel all those icky Jersey stereotypes: works at a restaurant named "Rat's."

• Jacqueline Lombard, 33 — Resides in Brooklyn (Hometown: Boston): The obligatory newbie. Wide-eyed, self-taught caterer. Deluded enough to think she has an actual shot at this thing. Which is just a-dorable.

• Timothy Dean, 39 — Resides in Baltimore (Hometown: Washington, D.C.): Robin Harris look-a-like. Will likely provide sour, down-to-earth counterpoint to egotistical super-chefs. Stay tuned.

• Angelo Sosa, 34 — Resides in New York City (Hometown: Durham, Connecticut): The requisite name-dropping, cocky asshole. Will give you his celebrity chef bona fides within the first ten seconds of any conversation.  The test will be if he's a pretty insanely talented douchebag or just a pretty douchebag. (Also .. Is there something about that last name that makes people act this way? See entry, Project Runway.)

• John Somerville, 42 — Resides in West Bloomfield, Mich. (Hometown: Hackysacklandia, Ohio): Scary-lookin' giant with huge, brown teeth and four feet of greying dreadlocks under a blue bandanna. Desperately in search of a cultural identity (and I would assume, a bath). Most likely to be found trying to have a conversation with you about the value of hemp while you're looking around the room for rescue.

• Amanda Baumgarten, 27 — Resides in Los Angeles: The hot chef. Cleans up mighty nicely. I'd call her this season's Chef Leah, but I wouldn't want to insult the young lady this early.

• Andrea Curto-Randazzo, 39 — Resides in Miami Beach (Hometown: Vero Beach, Fla.): The chef who makes absolutely no first impression.

• Ed Cotton, 32 — Resides in New York City (Hometown: Boston): Quiet guy with a remarkable resume. Assumedly has a heck of a time arguing with his friends and colleagues during baseball season. And football season. And Quiddich season.

• Alex Reznik, 33 — Resides in Hollywood, Calif. (Hometown: Brooklyn, New York): Russian born chef. Enjoys beets. Could be distant relative of the creepy, dancing guy from those Six Flags commercials. From the taller part of the family.

• Tamesha Warren, 24 — Resides in Washington, D.C. (Hometown: Barbados): The chef who doesn't so much as merit a mention in this episode.

The contestants arrive on the roof of the (relatively) recently relocated Newseum, now near the federal center of the city, as opposed to the Siberia of Northern Virginia. Shiny Tom and Padma (still workin' off that baby weight) emerge to greet the chefs and present the first ...

Quickfire Challenge

For their first test, the chefs will be performing the mis en place challenge. But, instead of the usual (and more fun) relay, this time the challenge will be a series of heats. After each heat, several chefs will be eliminated, leaving four to cook a dish with the ingredients for the judges.

In Heat One, the chefs will have to peel ten potatoes. The 12 fastest will go on to brunoise 10 cups of onions. The eight fastest will move on to see who can break down a chicken. And the four fastest of those will get to cook for the surprise "high stakes" prize of ... $20,000. (Damn, those folks at Dove Body Wash ponied up some cash for this season! Take that, Glad Family of Products!)

Peel! Peel Peel!

Chop! Chop! Chop!

Dissect! Dissect! Dissect!

Quickly, we see that this whole shootin' match is going to be a season-long feud between the able (and damn fast) Chef Kenny and the speedy (and douchey) Chef Angelo, with Kenny's real-life pal Chef Kevin playing a strong third.  When this particular contest is over, as expected, those three take the top slots with Chef Tim taking the last of the four slots.

The cooking starts and the four make their dishes. Throughout, Kenny reminds us that it is his job here to "represent." ... I front thee not. Straight trippin', boo.

The chefs present their dishes and Tom and Padma issue their rulings. They didn't much care for Tim's messy garlic roasted chicken with mushrooms or Kevin's boneless chicken wing with hot and sour broth, but they did like Angelo's roasted chicken wing with potato noodles and Kenny's duo of chicken with Moroccan rice.

But the winner of the challenge and the $20,000 is ... Angelo. And before we can say "congratu--," he tells us that he wants to be the first contestant to win every single challenge.

Yes. That is a.) so very likely, and, b.) would make for such an entertaining season.

Elimination Challenge

For this challenge, Padma explains, the chefs will have to prepare a dish for some 300 guests at the opening of this year's Cherry Blossom Festival. And as there must be a theme, the chefs will have to create a dish which best illustrates where they're from. (It's a constituency motif. Work with us here.)

And to make things interesting (and to keep our heads from exploding, what with so many chefs), the chefs will serve in four teams of four. (Well, three teams of four and one team of five.) One person from each team will be eligible for the win and one person from each team will be at risk for de-knifing.

The four Quickfire challengers will serve as team leaders. And as the winner, Angelo gets to pick first.

Here, we get the usual schoolyard pick action. Only this time, it's in reverse, as the pickers would theoretically want to pick the weakest competitors first, leaving the strongest for last.

And not really having anything besides what they've just witnessed of each other (and what they learned during their brief chit-chat before Tom and Padma arrived), what are they basing this on? So, let's just say I found it a mite jarring to see Angelo jump up and eagerly pick Tiffany first.

(Note that of the first eight chefs picked, we have six of the seven female chefs and the one obviously gay guy. That, I'm pretty sure, is more than just chance.)

The teams fall out as follows:

• Team Angelo: Tiffany, Kelly and John

• Team Kenny: Tracey, Lynne and Stephen

• Team Kevin: Arnold, Amanda and Jacqueline

• Team Tim: Alex, Tamesha and Andrea

With one chef left (the presumed strongest one left), it's up to Angelo to assign him to a team. He sends Ed to compete against Kenny, Angelo's presumed strongest competitor.

They get their budgets and marching orders and it's off to the D.C. Manse du Chefs. They pick bedrooms and Arnold laments having to share room with snorers. John curls up with his journal and promises to give the judges "a piece of who I am." I expect this will involve tie-dye and/or head lice.

Next, it's off to Safeway for supplies. We see the weaker chefs dropping items across the floor while expressing great confidence in their plans. For Jacqueline, this involves chicken livers, which are indigenous to New York state. For John, this involves picking pre-made pastries which he read in the newspaper were good.

(Local note: I have to wonder why they'd hike everyone all the way up to Silver Spring to shop when there's a sponsoriffic grocery store much closer to where the chefs will be cooking, near Dupont Circle. But I obsess about stupid shit like this.)

That out of the way, the chefs head off to the John Hinckley Resort and Suites where their booby-trapped kitchen awaits!

Arnold brought a plant.

At this stage, and with this many chefs, it's pretty damn obvious that the eight chefs we hear about are the eight chefs who will be the four tops and four bottoms for this competition. So, let's just suspend our cynicism about such things and sit back while Alex regales us with a tale about his mother's borscht.

Kevin is excited about lamb, since it's a Pennsylvania specialty. And Jacqueline is thrilled to tell us that she's making her chicken liver pate in a specifically non-French style, that is, without butter. This will end well for her, no doubt.

Angelo's making a douchey salmon while John expounds on the marvel that is the maple that flows through the trees of Detroit every spring. 

Elsewhere, Stephen is preparing a culinary ode to Ohio. Rosie Tracey calls Stephen a "hick" from "some country town" who could not possibly know how to cook. ... 

(A.) He well could be from some town near Cleveland, so I don't know for sure about that comment, but B.) I secretly wish she was wrong about the not-knowing-how-to-cook thing. I mean, we have some great restaurants here, not that anyone knows it.)

Kenny's making a marvy trout dish. And John burns his macadamia nuts. This stresses him, since he still has to cook up heat up his pre-made, store bought pastry.

Elsewhere in Disasterland, Jacqueline decides that the pate would best be served unstrained, since nothing is quite as tasty as grainy, fat-free chicken liver puree. Mmm-mm-good!

Next, it's off to the Andrew Mellon Auditorium to prepare for their guests. But when they get there, Jacqueline sees that her liver is a mess. Surely cooking it some more at this late stage will still get her a win.

The crowd arrives. As do the judges, Padma; Tom; Gail Simmons, host of the upcoming Top Chef: Just Desserts; and new judge Eric Ripert, host of the upcoming Top Chef: Just Au Jus.

The judges eat all 17 dishes. But no one wants a detail on all this.

Just know that ... Gail is flummoxed by Jacqueline's decision to make low-fat chicken liver pate and the judges loved Kevin's lamb; Kenny's trout was a smash and Stephen had made a horribly unfortunate and OSU scarlet-and-grey themed fried meat and potatoes dish. Even TV's The Bachelor wouldn't serve it to his kids. (EDIT: After posting this, I found this article. As I suspected, Stephen just couldn't resist the blasted need to go all OSU pep rally over his food.)

(Something in me thinks that Poor Stephen will single-handely set back the premiere of Top Chef: Columbus from the 2025 to the year 2525. If man is still alive. If woman can survive.)

Alex's deconstructed borsht scores, while Tim's rockfish falls flat for having a thick skin and contrasting sauces. And Angelo's Arctic char is adored, while John's Detroit Maple Mousse is deemed not so much maple-y as just sugary. Or is that Phish-y?

Judges' Table

To absolutely the surprise of no one in the audience, Padma calls up as the top four: Alex, Kenny, Angelo and Kevin.

The judges enthuse about all four of the top chef's dishes. But in the end, the winner of the challenge is ... Angelo.

He cackles. And insists he will "set the presidents."

Well, at least he can cook.

Then it's his job to call the four bottom chefs to face the judges: Jaqueline, John, Poor Stephen and Tim. (Cue the "whaaaaaaa?" from the Timster.)

Stephen offers an idiotic explanation for his fried O-H-I-O meat. Jaqueline says she's served her abomination hundreds of times, but can't be brought to answer Tom's question about whether she's cooked it hundreds of times. Also, she still seems to need a recipe for it.

Which, makes me wonder if I could get cast on this show, since I have about the same skill level.

But I digress.

John posits that the store-bought puff pastry which was one third of his dish was just "an instrument" to deliver the mediocre not-maple-y maple mousse to the mouth. And Tim just can't understand why the hell he's standing next to these losers.

After the deliberation, the judges are ready to deliver the bad news.

But first ...

Fakeout scene!

Back in the No-Longer-Glad-N-Stewed Room, some chefs pass the time by fashioning large cardboard boxes as dice and playing a pick-up game of craps. Stephen reveals himself as a clueless buffoon while Ed and Tiffany want no part of this silliness.

Fakeout scene over!

The four bottoms are called back in. Chefs, while at least three of you totally sucked the air out of the room, only one of you can go home tonight.

John, please pack your macrame belts and Matisyahu CDs and go.

This season on Top Chef: Is that wok seasoned? Holy shitballs, I need to freakin' bring it. The money's mine. No question about that. There is definitely a lot of of great chefs. Everybody is a threat. Angelo! I got the eggs! I'm literally gonna be a sniper. I'm here not to fuck around; I'm here for business. This challenge is just crazy! Make a dish that is literally out of this world. Who got high and came up with this idea? You know what I think about these things? It's pressure and stress all the time. Woo! Fuck! It's a complete nightmare. That's coming from you; It's yo carrots. There's no crying in the kitchen; I fire people for that. It's just ... There's no need to attack. Bullshit! Your ass should be going! You didn't do a fucking thing! I'm trying to be polite, but I was like, "You can't cook for shit." The White House Chef, Sam Cass. Jonathan Waxman. Joe Scarborough. For Top Chef, your shit better be legit. How are you gonna freeze dry this? That was a horrible drink. Reminds me of home, with all the natural products. The only reason why this team is here is because of those two dishes!