Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were turned into conjoined cookers for a sandwich-making challenge. Angelo and his apron-mate, the jet-skiing, craft-making, former TV talk show hostess chef, won the challenge (and immunity). Later, in teams of four, the chefs were charged with making healthy school lunches for middle-schoolers. Angelo conveniently tanked the elimination challenge to try to force his nemesis, Kenny, out of the competition. But it was Sad Jacqueline who took the hit for making a "healthy" dessert ... with two pounds of sugar.
The morning after the totally-on-schedule knifing of Jacqueline has Amanda (The Eye Candy For The Female Oriented), who was on the bottom last week, saying how she doesn't plan on being there again. Which means she'll either be leaving this week or she'll win.
Kenny (The Chef From South Park, Just Not the Kenny From South Park) reminds us of this season's theme: The eternal struggle between good and evil. Or in this case, his consternation to coming in behind Angelo (The Resident Douche) every time.
Meanwhile, Angelo is being all mopey because big bad Kenny didn't volunteer to go home last week after Angelo tanked the Elimination Challenge. So he goes and sits all alone in the backyard and wallows in his douchieness.
And did we mention he provides us with our first "under the bus?" ... Drink!
Quickfire Challenge
Tracey, the chef with the Broadway fetish and a penchant for song parodies and audience giveaways, oddly does not chime in with, "Mmm, pie!"
Actually, what does happen is that the all 37 chefs start singing various renditions of the by now ultra-clichéd "I am not a pastry chef." In rounds. Sort of like "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat." Only with spatulas.
Leading the whine brigade is the über-fabulous Arnold, who complains that he doesn't make pies, that his sous chef isn't here and that this kitchen makes his ass look fat.
Kenny and Angelo, naturally, are the two most secure ones here and they each bring their own approach to the challenge. Kenny strives to make a really good pie while Angelo tries to find a way to meld the concept of "pie" with a savory curry creation.
Over in loserland, Tracey (who should know a thing or two about pie -- you can take that any way you like) admits to never having made one before. And, hence, she has to keep her ideas totally secret from the others. It will involve lots of butter, though. It's sort of a half-baked idea.
A loserland neighbor, Stephen (Brutus Buckeye to his friends) has some pie-ish idea in mind. And I'll be damned if he doesn't end up having one of the best pies, along with Kelly (The One With The Nerve To Take Credit For Her Own Dish).
But it's Kenny who wins the challenge and immunity. At last.
We're left to wonder if Angelo left to eat his heart out over this one.
Elimination Challenge
For the next challenge, the chefs are to cater a picnic for 1,001 Washington interns ... and the sexual harassment jokes commence.
"Why are the books of congressmen always all dogeared?"
"Because they like their pages bent over."
That one's free.
There's one other wrinkle in this challenge, though. The chefs will be cooking their dishes on grills.
And, complaints about "not being a grill chef" in 3 ... 2 ... 1.
True to form, Arnold provides the whine.
Others, though, like chefs Kevin (Chef Friend-Of-Kenny) and Timothy (Chef Oh No, He Di'n't!), are confident in their grill master skills, Timothy for his experience with charcoal and Kevin for his by-marriage Puerto Rican connection.
The gang runs off to the Giant Eagle for supplies and chaos ensues. Amanda threatens to run over children and old people (making me like her, for once).
And Poor Tracey announces that she'll be making her own sausage, which should be really easy. (Now, if she couldn't do pie, I don't imagine she'd do a whole lot better with sausage. But maybe I'm projecting for some Freudian reason.)
They head back to the kitchen where Tracey reveals herself to be quite mad, grinding her meat and constantly babbling to herself and yelling, "Put your back into it!"
This, naturally, scares everyone. You never want to be in a locked room with a schizophrenic who has access to knives. And a meat-grinder.
Back at Brownstone Of Basters (or the Tollhouse Townhouse, if you prefer), the chefs, in turn, come out of the closet as people with a disgusting habit which you'd think would inhibit their sense of taste.
Amanda, in between puffs, talks about her plan to make ribs. Tracey, sucking on over 2000 burning chemicals, begins to doubt her sausage-and-peppers plan. And Stephen takes over departed Jacqueline's role as the irrationally overconfident as he shows everyone why his skin looks like that.
Oh, I'm being mean. To steal a joke from Hal Sparks, I shouldn't be so mean to people in the last ten years of their life.
Anyhoo, the next day, they all head off to Mount Vernon in Virginia to cook. (Local note: I had to laugh when, back at the house, one of the chefs described Mount Vernon as being "30-45 minutes away" from where they were, near Dupont Circle in the District. I had to laugh and exclaim, "Maybe at 2 in the morning." ... D.C. traffic is epic. Last time I tried that exact trip, I had to bag out of it after two hours in traffic. No lie.)
As they set up, Ed (Chef dEDpan), complains how he's going to have to make chit-chat with the diners when he'd really rather just fling the food into their gullets from across the lawn. (For some reason, I start developing a crush right then and there. Maybe I'm just partial to anti-social people. ... Maybe I should address this in therapy.)
Kevin has made his Puerto Rican barbecue with rice and beans, which normally would have me dancing in the street. But the judges don't seem to think it has much flavor to it.
Meanwhile, Arnold, who had to mimic grillmaster Kenny's moves in order to light his "coal," scores with his not-visually-appealing-but-tasty-nonetheless Asian-themed lamb meatballs.
And while Angelo is, as always, cocky about his (Asian barbecue) offering, it's Amanda's rib which seems to score the highest with the diners (who declare every action of the chefs "awesome"), the judges and even the other chefs.
Judges' Table
Breaking with last week's breaking of tradition (follow that, if you can), Padma calls the top four before the judges. They are: Angelo, Amanda, Arnold and Ed.
The judges loved Angelo's dish but seemed somewhat dismissive of it, calling it a "magazine cover" dish. Amanda's rib was a favorite, but the side dishes got mixed reviews. Ed's anti-social meal was also a hit. But in the end it's getting-on-my-last-nerve Arnold who gets to do his sassy happy dance after being given the win.
And then it's time for the bottoms to face the music.
Stephen, Tracey, Kevin and Timothy get the ritual shaming this time. Stephen, who was so damn sure that his sea bass wrapped in bacon was perfect, is lambasted for his dish. Tracey is told that her not-sausage was a messy lump of over-fennelled meat on bread which anyone could make. Timothy is smacked for delivering not enough meat and lackluster side dishes. And Kevin is raked over the briquettes for making bland Puerto Rican food.
(Local note: Being Boricua myself, there's one food I really, really know about. And that's the food of Puerto Rico. Most people not familiar with the cuisine tend to expect it to be spicy, since they expect Latin food to all be like Mexican food. In reality, Puerto Rican food is actually notoriously bland in comparison. Which isn't to say it isn't tasty as hell. And as Gail Simmons rightly mentions, it was Kevin's job to make what a chef would make, not what your average PR home cook would. ... Note over.)
During our fakeout scene, we see that Tracey fancies herself a psychic of sorts. Aww, girl. I don't hate ya, but nothing gets me want to roast and baste people faster than invocations to make-believe.
Thankfully, it's brief.
And before you can say "Crocs and bandanas," Tracey's out.
She saw that coming, no doubt.
1 comments:
haha, Love the way you wrapped up this entry.
I was actually surprised that Rosie Jr. went home. Her dish seemed equally bad to Stephen's, but his was inedible to them despite using bacon and sea bass.
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