Top Chef All-Stars: Aaaand We're Back!

December 1, 2010

Hey kids! I know, it's been ages.  In the event you're one of the few who noticed our absence over the past few months, here's what's been going on.

When we left off, your gentle blogger was actually losing his shit over spending so much brainpower and time on this silly thing. Top Chef: DC was ending and I had already decided that there was no way I could possibly do it and Project Runway at the same time, as I had done last time.

And while it killed me to not blog what was arguably one of the most entertaining seasons of Runway in years, seeing the way it ended I figured it's probably just as well. I didn't wanna be another voice calling for  the vivisection of those responsible for the outcome anyway.

Then there was Top Chef: Just Desserts. Amazing assemblage of lunatics that, again, it killed me to not write about. Even if the ending was about as anticlimactic as it could get.

And now we have the massively entertaining The Fashion Show on Bravo, which is far improved from last season's abomination.

So, I've decided to go tweet-form on these which you can see, comment on and what have you through our Facebook page or Twitter feed. Feel free to share your feelings there if you're of a mind to do so. (Insert smiley face emoticon here.)

On the personal front (not that this is that kind of blog) I've been wrestling with matters professional and otherwise and have really not been in the mood for it. Have taken up running (and will likely do a marathon or something like that at some point), but have been sidelined with injuries which have sucked the life out of me. (Thankfully, that part seems solved for now.)

And now we're in the dreary season of eternal twilight in Central Ohio. So, armed with my light-therapy bulbs let's soldier on, shall we?

Now where were we? Oh yes, Top Chef: All-Stars!

We're in our eighth season and that can only mean one thing: It's time to forget about casting new talent when there are a bunch known quantities with their own fan base who can pump life into any aging reality competition series. So, after getting a bunch of "Thanks, but no thanks" from a number of Top Chef contenders (who never won), the producers landed on 18 (!) dicers and choppers to compete for the prize which eluded them all once before.

And with this kind of talent, each elimination should be heartbreaking (with a couple exceptions, of course). No obvious early elimination cannon fodder this season folks.

Oh, I should add that in order to maintain my sanity (and in feeble attempts to make this more readable) I'm going to try to eschew my usual play-by-play approach, instead doing a more express-y recap. We'll see how long that works.

As for the episode itself, you saw it, right? Eighteen chefs, all of whom know each other already, reconnect, go to the Kitchen O'Logos and do a ...

Quickfire Challenge

Divided by seasons, they work to create a dish which represents the cities where their seasons were hosted.

They run and yell a lot. Richard (we'll recap the cast in a minute) makes a mustard sorbet for his team's Chicago hot dog and the team wins immunity. The non-winning teams mope.

Then, it's time for the ...

Elimination Challenge

Here, the chefs are presented with covered plates. When uncovered they see the ingredients of the dishes which were the very dishes that got each one eliminated in his or her season. Things get dicey here (no pun intended) since there is no equality at all to be had. Some folks made it to the end and never really got eliminated per se, they only failed to win when someone made a better dish. Others did get cut when they made a dish that was actually bad, either in conception or in execution.

The chefs cooked and served. Having the chefs serve in two separate shifts, this allows producers to inject some drama into the proceedings by putting a monitor in the kitchen where half the chefs could listen in on the other half criticizing their dishes. And when the first half discovers they were spied on, well, "Woo hoo, Katie bar the door!"

Seriously, a couple people were mildly miffed.

Anyway, Richard went over time and got disqualified from winning the challenge. Angelo won for making a dish that only barely lost him the win a few weeks before this filmed.

And after a heartbreaking plea to not be cut, my darling Elia was sent packing. Much sadness.

With that out of the way, here's who we're dealing with this season.

From Season One (San Francisco), The Season Of The Katie Lee Joel:

▪ Tiffani Faison (Runner-Up): Kill me if you want to, but despite her bad attitude, I was always a fan of the lesbonic gingerchef and really wanted her to win. Yes, I was in the 1% in a Bravo poll that wanted her to take the prize. She seems as feisty as ever and she's even matured, too. So, I'm hoping I won't be the only one rooting for her this time around. (No snake hisses, please.)

▪ Stephen Asprinio (5th Place Finisher): This guy is only here for the personality and potential drama, right? Are they just hoping to see him get shitfaced and fall face-first into the béarnaise? Seemingly less of a raging dickhead than before, but still insists on wearing designer shirts and ties in the kitchen. Runs an award-winning restaurant, so yay for him. But, really? Even teammate Tiffani points out that he hasn't been in the kitchen for a while. Had he not been saved this first round, I would have made him the easy pick for first one out. Fully expect him to hit the road sooner rather than later.

From Season Two (Los Angeles), The Season Of The Head-Shave Assault: 

▪ Elia Aboumrad (4th Place Finisher): My sweet, sexy Latina. Full of all the confidence in the world coming into this. Looks much better with hair. Sabotaged both by the challenge and by a (too?) strict adherence to (or lack of understanding of) the rules. Or was it really just the way she cooked her fish. Wept for her elimination.

▪ Marcel Vigneron (Runner-Up): Still as oddly douchey as ever. Still rockin' the Wolverine 'do. Never bought him as a "villain," despite the continual insistence on casting him as such in his season. Still found him to be a total creep. His tete-a-tete with Fabio over Fabio's bringing up the head-shaving incident and a fan's having attacked him with a bottle still remains a sore point between the two. Should be interesting to see the mini molecular man battle with überwizard Richard here.

From Season Three (Miami), The First Season Of The Fauxhawk: 

▪ Dale Levitski  (Runner-Up): I feel like such a moron. I totally forgot he was the runner-up. Maybe it was the fact that Hung gobbled up all the attention his season. Or maybe it was the (now thankfully gone) fauxhawk. Great chef. (Loved dining at his Sprout restaurant in Chicago, BTW.) Seems to have filled out a bit in the ensuing years.

▪ Casey Thompson (Runner-Up): Ah, her I remember getting that close. Fan favorite and all that stuff. Took a huge tumble off the pedestal after the debacle where she mentored Season Five's Carla right out of the running and was, er, less than Fan Favorite-y about the whole incident online. We'll see how she fares this time around.

▪ Tre Wilcox (8th Place Finisher): An eighth place finisher? Really? My money is on him being a last-minute replacement when Kevin from Season 6 opted not to participate. Not to say the man isn't incredibly talented. It was a shock when he was eliminated when he was, considering his early lead. But I'll be damned if I remember anything aside from his winning the charmed first Elimination Challenge (which usually signaled a win in the finale) and his elimination a few weeks later. Doesn't make much of an impression this first week here.

From Season Four (Chicago), The Second Season Of The Fauxhawk, The First Season Of The Bromance:

▪ Richard Blais (Runner-Up): The Mad Scientist. Every dish is required to have quotes somewhere in the name, since there always has to be something that looks like one thing but is actually something else. The "Winner" of his season. Best remembered for dominating season-long and then choking at the finish line. Has (finally) lost the silly hairdo and is looking much more fit and trim. Still has that prickly personality. We'll see how that serves him here.


▪ Antonia Lofaso (4th Place Finisher): Her season's dark horse. Went from "who's that again?" status to near-finalist. Could it happen again? Counting the seconds until we're reminded that she's a mom.


▪ Spike Mendelsohn (5th Place Finisher): As much as an insufferable dick as ever. Still sporting hats, which makes him the Hipster Chef now. But with a few years since his season, has seemingly matured some. Plus, he's got a couple of restaurants in D.C. and makes the best burger you will ever taste in your lifetime. So, there's that. Managed to break the curse of the frozen scallops and nearly won the first Elimination Challenge here.

▪ Dale Talde (6th Place Finisher): The chef I least wanted to ever see again. Even in a room with some prizewinning assholes, is in a class by himself. Naturally, this means he'll make it all the way to the end. The universe (and Bravo) works that way.

From Season Five (New York), The Season Of The Scallop: 

▪ Carla Hall (Runner-Up): Chef Hootie Hoo. Took only three seconds to remind us of this. Will probably be the eternal winner of everyone's favorite for her adorable personality, general spunkiness, great from-the-heart food ... and heartbreaking loss in her season. (See entry, Chef Casey). After being asked about it every day for the past few years, has memorized speech saying that she doesn't blame Casey for the loss. Is probably tied with Richard for title of most-in-need-of-redemption.

▪ Jamie Lauren (7th Place Finisher): Is probably sick of people talking about scallops. Was good in her season. Seems to have grown in self-confidence 100-fold since then. Maybe it was fending off advances from Stefan. Guess we'll see if The Littl'est Lesbian will get to the end this time.

▪ Fabio Viviani (4th Place Finisher): Wasn't  he supposed to get his own show? What happened to that? With Carla, the winner of the personality sweepstakes, though for a totally different reason. It seems his head-butting with Marcel may become a motif this season. We'll see if the co-chair of Team Eurotrash does his fans proud and wins or if he'll instead focus on fighting back against the judges when they don't like his spicy meat-a-ball and they bounce him out the door.

From Season Six (Las Vegas), The Season Of The Tattooed Love Boys:

▪ Jennifer Carroll (4th Place Finisher): Another one who stumbled right at the end. Still, she arguably faced the strongest competition of any fourth place finisher in any season. Her presence is (likely) the reason that her mentor, Eric Ripert, isn't judging this season. Proved that she is an amazing presence in the competition, but also badly lost momentum last time. Will it happen again? Has many fans among the chefs, but didn't seem to do terribly well in the first challenge. Here's hoping for the best for this one.

▪ Mike Isabella (7th Place Finisher): Re-wrote the book on Top Chef douchery last time. Don't expect him to be any less an ass this time.

From Season Seven (Washington, DC), The Season Of Forced Political Metaphors: 

▪ Tiffany Derry (5th Place Finisher): Everyone's darling. The one who made everyone cry when she didn't make it to the finals. Just had enough time to get married in between seasons. Facing some crazy serious competition this time. How will she fare this time out?

▪ Angelo Sosa (Runner-Up): Lost his season mere weeks earlier after getting sick in Singapore. Has likely been mainlining Tony Robbins motivational tapes in the intervening two and a half weeks. Even managed to win the normally foreshadowing first challenge here. Don't expect this gang will be as susceptible to his subtle sabotage as the last crew, seeing as there's no one to "mentor" here.

So, there you have it. Tune in next week to see who's going home next ... and to see if there actually is life after Top Chef for one special guest judge.