Project Runway: The Flowchart Of Fashion

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: The Flowchart Of Fashion
January 28, 2009

Previously on Project Runway: Everyone ran off to a muddy potato farm to get their challenge, which was to create party dresses for their models made entirely from potato sacks. Jay won for making a feathery-looking number which didn’t look like burlap. Ping managed to survive despite putting her model’s nude backside on display. Jesus stayed in it too, despite obliterating the burlap entirely. And Pamela got the boot for making her model look like she had a actually had an ass.

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Morning. The designers are groggy and decide to start their day with strong coffee, a healthy teeth brushing and a hearty of ragging on Ping (The Ziggy Stardust of Designers). Jesus (The Jysterically Jopeless), who has taken upon himself to start referring to himself in the third person, reveals his magical plan of winning by perpetually being the one in the bottom two who gets to stay.

Meanwhile, we set the stage for the rest of the hour with Jesse (Jack Sparrow Of The Bobbins) explaining how much he can’t stand Ping and thinks she really should have been the one to go home last week. I’m sure this won’t be any kind of harbinger of what is to come.

On the runway, The Fertility Goddess Heidi pops out. (And, as seen on last week’s Models show, the designers pick models, leaving Ping’s multi-lingual, ass-exposed girl eliminated from the competition.) Once that’s over, it’s off for another field trip.

The designers are then delivered to the Metropolitan Museum Of Art. There, Tim greets them while standing before a collection of ten of the greatest works of fashion ever. He explains that for the next challenge, the designers will be working in teams of two.

[Dramatic music.]

They will be charged with creating a high-end signature look which, supposedly, would fit in with these classic pieces.

And since it will be hard work to pretend that that would even be possible, the producers  are giving the designers $500 with which to buy materials, the highest ever in the series’ history. Because with that kind of money, the dresses will _have_ to be museum ready, right?

Also, they’ll have two days in which to create this look, so they can go as slowly as they’d like since there’s _no way_ they’d be called upon to do anything but create one masterful gown.

Since Jay (The Sewing Budgie) won the last challenge, he’s automatically a team leader. Tim picks the rest of the leaders from the Crown Royal Bag O’ Buttons.

They are …

Jesus. Anthony (Miss Sassafras 2009). Janeane (The Waterworks). Mila (Ms. Fisher Price Hair, Sr.). Ping. And Emilio (The Eventual Winner).


The leaders get to picking their partners.

• Jay picks … Maya (Miss Fisher Price Hair, Jr.).

• Jesus picks … Amy (The Eventual Runner-Up).

• Anthony picks … Seth Aaron (The One Who Is Hungry Like The Wolf).

• Janeane  picks … Ben (The One Who Doesn’t Register On Film).

• Mila picks … Jonathan (The Frustrated Quipper).

• Which leaves as the last two, Jesse and Anna (A Designer On Project Runway).

Jesse explains  to us that the very last thing he’d want in the world is to be paired with Ping. Being paired with Ping would make him draw a scabbard across his side bow.

So, naturally …

• Ping picks … Jesse.

Aaarrrrrrgh!

This leaves …

Emilio with … Anna.

Since this “Anna” does not cast a shadow, this is the last we will see of Emilio and Amy this episode. I’m sure they did a fine job and we’ll tune in next week to see what happens then.

The designers get a few minutes to drool over the classic outfits to draw their inspiration and then it’s back to the workroom to sketch and watch Ping v. Jesse, Round One:The Awakening.

Ping babbles about how she wants to make something that’s flow-y and drape-y and how she wants to combine this with Jesse’s precise, tailored and knows-how-to-sew-shit look.

Anthony tells Seth Aaron he wants his look to have a surprise “yella.” Jonathan sardonically says that Mila has “no problem making decisions.” And somewhere on the screen there appear the faint outlines of two designers which, through process of elimination, I take to be Janeane and Ben. I assume this has to do with some dress they’re making.

Elsewhere, we see Maya and Jay collaborating. Maya explains that since Jay has immunity*, she’s going to be taking the lead on the design here.

(*Note: As Tim Gunn himself noted in his blogs, no one said anything last week about the winner of that last challenge getting immunity in this challenge, probably since it was to be a team one. But everyone in the room is talking like Jay got immunity. And even on the runway at the end, Heidi suggests he did. So, maybe he did? Look for this situation as the Tiebreaker Trivia Question 52 in the 2014 version of Project Runway: The Home Game.)

And off to their first-this-season visit to Mood!

There, the designers swoon over being able to pick out expensive fabrics and we get to see Ping v. Jesse, Round Two: The Drape Warriors.

She spends her time draping fabric over her body and when he asks if she’s going to be able to sew all that, she tells him to not worry, since he’ll be doing all the sewing. He punches his hand in frustration while she spends the rest of their time running around the shop looking for her missing sketch book and even manages to misplace her money.

At this point, Jesse is clearly thinking of hanging Ping from the highest yardarm.

Thank you, Mood!

Back in the workroom, they all start creating and we go right into Ping v. Jesse, Round Three: The Re-Pants-ening. She wants 1,001 pieces sewn together and wants Jesse to do the work while she concentrates on her liturgical dance. Jesse thinks, “Avast!"

Meanwhile, we also get a taste of our supporting quibblers du jour, Jonathan and Mila. Mila’s plan is to create some retro-yet-modern, space-age-yet-millennial thingamajig, yet let Jonathan do most of the heavy lifting and heavy snarking.

Elsewhere, Anthony is coming to the realization that their color palette (yellow, red and black) is better suited to a clown on a drive-though menu than it is to a fashion runway. Still, he manages to make me actually laugh for the first time this season. So there’s that.

Before you know it, day one ends and day two begins. And since they will have all day to finish their looks I’m sure it will be a leisurely one where _ absolutely nothing unexpected could possibly take place. _

Enter Tim with the announcement that something unexpected is about to take place.

Gather ‘round, kiddies!

Yes, in a development none of you could have possibly seen coming, you will now have to create a second look!

Gasp.

But, wait! There’s more! This look will have to be a budget look, made with a budget which is only 10% of what you spent on your high-end look, that is $50.

Aaaaaaaand …

Aaaaaaaand?

And the low-end dress will need to be inspired by the high-end look of a competing team!

Out comes the Crown Royal bag and the teams get to picking their “inspirations.”

Here’s where the need for a flowchart comes in.

Ping/Jesse pick … Emilio/Somebody.

• Janeane/Ben pick … Mila/Jonathan.

• Jay/Maya pick … Janeane/Ben.

• Mila/Jonatha pick … Anthony/Seth Aaron.

• Anthony/Seth Aaron pick … Jesus/Amy.

• Jesus/Amy pick … Ping/Jesse.

• So, Emilo/That Other Girl are left with … Maya/Jay.

The designers then get 20 minutes in which to kvetch about having to make another look, figure out how they can be “inspired” without copying before one member from each team rushes off to Mood for fabric.

(At this point, I wonder how Irina from last season would have taken to this “be inspired but don’t copy” concept. … Sorry. I promise that will be the last time I bring up that misbegotten saga.)

Once they all get back from their fashion scramble, we go back to the workroom for Ping v. Jesse, Round Four: The Curse Of Ping. Ping shows off the _ fabulous _ fabric she chose for the second look and Jesse remarks that it looks like something more appropriate for Patty, The Daytime Hooker.

Our second supporting storyline also gets some play here when Maya (Mila? No, Maya!) complains that, since Jay has immunity (?), he’s being a big slacker, letting Lil Miss Bangface do all the work.

Moving back to our first supporting storyline, we check back in with Jonathan who’s now complaining that Mila is spending all her time on the main look’s coat while he has to do everything else.

And we get to see that Anthony and Seth Aaron are also having their share of sassy conflict over the creative process.

(You know what? I finally realized what these team challenges always remind me of. A bicycle built for two. Have you ever been on one? With someone else? Have you ever noticed that whoever’s in front will always complain that the person in back isn’t pedaling hard enough? It’s like that.)

Moving on …

The models arrive for their fittings. They include … The Jaded, Dour Lesbian Model; The Unique-Looking, Bi-Racial Model; The Newbie Model; The Scottish Taylor Swift Model; and The Sour, Asian, Valley Girl Model Who Just Can’t Be Bothered.

During the fittings, we get Ping v. Jesse, Round Five: The Revenge Of Jesse. While Jesse wants to see how the primary dress looks on the model, Ping wants to focus on making sure the girl knows how to perform a proper demi-plié in the gown.

Emilio reminds us he’s still here, by snarking that he really hates Ping. (Yes, dear. You established that in the first 30 seconds of the show. Now get back to your appliques.)

As work continues, Anthony shows some Ping love, telling her she’s doing an “awesome” job. And when she says nothing more than thank you, he shames the loon into saying something nice about him in return. Because that’s how the codependent rolls.

Time for Tim’s Walkaround And Catchphrase Bombardment!

Tim’s concerned that Maya (Mila? No, Maya!) and Jay won’t have time to finish both looks.

Tim’s concerned that the fabric Ping chose for the second outfit looks like “cheap and cheerful wrapping paper.”

Over at Anthony and Seth Aaron’s station, the two re-enact a domestic sitcom for the mentor, ending with Anthony telling Seth Aaron to “not act up in front of company.” If memory serves, I believe the scene was a mash-up of "227" and "I Married Joan."

Tim likes what Mila and Jonathan are doing. And we don’t really need to look in on the rest, since it’s pretty obvious that that they’re going to be safe this week.

Work! Work! Work!

And finally, it's the day of the runway show. The boys make sure their hair is appropriately pointy, the girls make sure they look properly funereal and it’s back to the workroom for the cross-designer smacktalk!

Emilio rags on another team’s construction. Maya rags on Jay’s immunity-inspired slacking. And … oh, yes, please. More of Ping v. Jesse. It’s Round Six, The Resurrection.

Jesse wants to, at this late hour, redo one of the dresses. Ping thinks that there may be a chance that Jesse is more concerned with his not being sent home than he is with helping her reach the third level of astral projection.

Mila and Jonathan negotiate how they’re going to sell each other out on the runway if they’re on the bottom, the primary bickerers continue their friction, the models head off for their sponsoriffic hair and makeup session and ….

Ping! Ding! Time!

On the runway, Heidi appears, recaps the challenge, introduces Michael and Nina (who have now been hermetically sealed to their judges seats) and this week’s guest judge, noted British bald spot Matthew Williamson.

On with the show!

(OK, we still have too many outfits to describe here. So, blah, blah, blah. The signature looks come out. Then the budget looks come out. Some are great some are odd. Some are horrible. This should be pretty easy, except that some teams had one good/great dress and one boring/hideous dress.)

Heidi calls out the top and bottom teams.

The tops are … Mila/Jonathan (or, Team BangWhine) and Jay/Maya/Maya/Jay (Team Who’s On First?).

The bottoms are … Ping/Jesse (or, Team LoonDubloon) and Anthony/Seth Aaron (Team Wild SassyBoys).

The questioning begins with Jay and Maya. After insisting that immunity didn’t mean anything to him and insisting that he didn’t slack off (cut to Maya looking peeved), the pair describe their outfits.

Their high-end look is very structural and, to my mind, really interesting. With one bare shoulder and the other being covered in a dramatic layered piece, it does look like something that could be in a museum. Their budget look also looks remarkable. When the judges call out the model wearing the other team’s high-end dress (the one that served as the inspiration), we see that their budget look looks ten times better than that other squad’s expensive look. Bravo! (I mean, Lifetime!)

The questioning then turns to Mila and Jonathan. Their signature look is a modernistic Wild, Wild World Of Batwoman-Goes-To-A-Track-Meet coat over some fancy leggings. It, too, is dramatic. It’s sold really well by the model and, seeing as it’s the only thing that involved pants, stands out even more. The judges love it.

The team’s budget look, inspired by Anthony/Seth Aaron’s golden arches look, is a yellow and black baby doll dress. It puts me to sleep.

And then the bottoms come out.

Ping and Jesse get the grilling first. The team’s signature look, for me, is one of those love-it-or-hate-it things. I’m sure that most everyone hates it. It is, after all, a nicely detailed, Jesse-tailored top with a bottom consisting of draped, loose fabric which is carried on one arm by the model. But, once again, for a reason that totally escapes me, I like it.

The budget look, though, is pure crap. There’s nothing to it. There’s less than nothing to it. It’s  the −√2 of fashion.

Jesse calls out Ping, saying he had to spend most of his time teaching Ping how to sew and Jesse’s model (The Newbie) even pipes up to say that Ping didn’t even bother to fit her, spending all her time instead on teaching the model how to perform an arabesque while remaining draped.

Burn!

Turning to Anthony and Seth Aaron, Michael describes their signature look as the “cotillion party in the South from hell.” Basically, it’s a tacky, yellow and black prom dress with enough black tulle on the bodice to make Morticia Addams cackle in delight.

As for their budget look, it’s … it’s a dress. It boring. Nina calls both dresses “really ugly” and expresses her disappointment that Seth Aaron didn’t make something better.

The designers and models are sent away for the usual deliberations. Once that’s over, the designers are called back in.

Jonathan is in. He’s sent away.

Mila is … the winner! (Er, yea?) She (explicitly) wins immunity in the next challenge.

Maya is in. She’s sent away.

Jay is in. He’s set away to buy more hair gel.

Now for the losers.

Seth Aaron is in. He’s sent away to look for the New Moon On Monday.

Jesse is in. He’s sent off to shiver his timbers.

Leaving Anthony and Ping.

Anthony is … in.

Which means Ping is out.

So, Ping got dinged.

Next time on Project Runway: They design for a “very inspiring group of women.” A fashion emergency of Chernobyl proportions!

Project Runway: The Ass Flap (Or, Sack Up!)

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: The Ass Flap (Or, Sack Up!)
January 21, 2010

Previously on Project Runway: 126 designers descended on New York City in an attempt by the producers to make us forget that the last gawdawful season ever happened. The contestants ran through Central Park to collect fabric to make dresses showcasing their individual styles. One of them named Emilio won for making a snappy little number and another one, whom we won’t soon forget, was sent packing for making an awful mess. Her name might have been Christina. Or Christa. Or Couldn’carelessa.

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Be advised, gentle reader. Columbus, Ohio, has some seriously icky weather in winter. As such, the beaches of Mexico proved to be irresistible and I got the hell out of here for most of this past week.

Why do I mention this? Well, I have piles of crap on which to catch up and can’t really wrap my head around PR this week. Plus, I’m still feeling the margaritas.


Morning. Cue the “Wow, I can’t believe someone’s gone home. I now realize this is a competition” footage.

Jesus, The Designated Bottom Feeder, who was in the bottom three last week, is amazed that his faux crocodile-as-evening gown was so poorly received. He insists that he will now “step up.”

After the designers are all seen discussing how they’re looking forward to a trip to Mood and some random unexpected twist, they head off to the runway for the (as seen on the Models show) models pick.

Spoiler alert: The one who was paired with last week’s loser went home. I know. I was crushed, too.

Once that’s over, Heidi sends everyone off to meet Tim at some secret location. And that location proves to be …

A farm. A very muddy farm.

There, Tim, who is clearly very concerned about manure on his couture, is standing in front of all the models, who are each resplendent in the latest model of burlap sack.

Yes, it’s the I Love Lucy "Lucy Wants A Paris Gown" episode!

Tim informs the designers that they will each be charged with making a dress for their models out of these potato sacks. And the models (who by now we’ve learned have horrible taste in clothes) will be their clients.

Sadly though, feed bags will not need to be incorporated into the designs. (Again, Lucy reference. I shouldn’t need to be explaining this.)

One really interesting wrinkle to the challenge (though burlap doesn’t wrinkle) will be that the models will be choosing the designers.

One by one, the walking coat hangers pick the dressmakers. And surprisingly, a couple of them actually pick designers other than the ones who had picked them.

Of course, since not only do I not give a crap about the models but I also haven’t had time to process who any of them are, I’ll just say that Mila’s model threw her over for Miss Anthony Bouvier.

This sets in motion a cataclysm which ripples through the fashion world to this day.

Or it just makes a few of the other girls pick different designers too.

Back in the workroom, Mila, The Elder Of The Bangs, is still whining about how her model dumped her and she’s determined to show her how she just doesn't care. She doesn’t care at all about it! Not one bit! And she makes a point of stopping everyone who walks by to impress on them exactly how much she doesn’t care.

Miss Anthony Bouvier, who was picked by the evil, evil model, is on the receiving end of much of Mila’s bangy bitterness. Still, he understands. After all, “This is a competition.”

As work proceeds, we see that most of the designers are working to dye their burlap, which we learn is a time-consuming process. Some others though, such as Ping Who Came From Planet Claire, are letting the fabric stay all rustic-y.

Then, Tim arrives earlier than he normally would for his walk-around.

He greets Pamela Of The Vowel-Deprived Last Name. She explains that she’s making her dress look like denim. (Because she wanted her dress to get away from an association with a farm?) This, Tim doesn’t mind. What concerns him is that she’s insisting on making it all one piece.

Mila explains that she’s going to try to turn her sack into an ultra-modern dress. Asked about why she’s adding some particular frippery to the dress, the haggard one explains that it’s something her model wanted. Tim tells her to forget about the model, since, as we’ve said before, they’re not what we’d call “good” at fashion.

Jay The Cockatiel makes Tim have a petite mal seizure when he explains how much work he’s planning on putting into his work. And Ping, surprisingly, doesn’t make Tim writhe on the floor with her design style.

Still, he does tell her to be aware that her dress may be a tad too short. And with the judges looking up at the models who will standing on the runway, the fact that they could look up at the poor girl’s lady business could prove “vulgar.”

Ping responds with a look that says, in no uncertain terms, “Hmmm. What should I have for dinner?”

Actually, she says she’ll lower the hem. And considers the duck for her entree.

Tim checks in with Amy The Persian Wonder and learns that she too is faced with a model who is requesting a dress that looks like poo. Tim reminds her that the models aren’t the judges. (Again, models’ tastes are all in their mouths. Which is ironic, since they don’t eat.)

Checking in with Jesus Of The Deep, Tim learns that the designer’s plan is to fulfill the requirements of this challenge by using the burlap as scratchy underwear onto which he will affix the usual boring evening gown he wanted to make anyway. The mentor is not pleased. And it makes him resort to … a pun. Yes, an actual pun.

It wasn’t pretty.

And neither is the outfit. But more on that later.

Tim tosses off his usual list of catchphrases and sends in the models.

We see the designers try to sell the models on their designs. Ping works to make sure her model’s “buttocks are covered.” And Jesus proves he has never seen this show before, since he thinks that if his model “backs him up” on the runway, the fact that he totally ignored Tim’s advice will not be noticed.

Miss Anthony Bouvier complains about his model’s shitty taste. Mila, gleeful that her old model is giving another designer headaches, is totally glad, glad you hear?!  that she was dumped and is having just a perfect, perfect time with her new model. See? Watch us laugh! We’re having such good time over here!

And the day ends.

The next morning, we see the designers performing their morning regimens and it’s off to the workroom again for a few hours of sewing and product placement before the show.

During the scramble, designer Jonathan (there’s a designer Jonathan?) says that he doesn’t see why Ping’s so excited about her dress, since it leaves the model’s ass totally exposed.

“Maybe there’s supposed to be an ass flap,” he says. “I don’t know. It’s very strange.”

Scramble, scramble, scramble … aaaand time!

On the runway, Heidi greets the designers, welcomes the (thankfully still here) Michael and Nina and introduces this week’s guest judge, the star of American Gigolo, Lauren “Yes, I Like My Tooth Gap” Hutton!

On with the show!

(OK, we still have way too many designers to even bother considering all of these looks. So, I won’t even bother. Yet.)

After the show, Heidi calls out the three tops and three bottoms.

The tops are Persian Amy, Cockatiel Jay and Bangy Mila.

Amy’s outfit looks remarkable, flirty and fun. Plus, the fabric manages to retain its original character.

Jay’s look is also a sexy party dress, only this time in dark shades of blue with a very textured skirt. The outfit  manages to transform the fabric and even tricks the judges into thinking that maybe he cheated by using some other fabric instead. He didn’t. And that gets him high praise.

And Mila gets laurels, too, for managing to overcome the terrible, wretched insult of being dumped by her original model ... Oh, and for managing to make a really, really sexy, ultra-modern dress which serves up enough side-boob to keep most teenage boys in need of a daily supply of tissues and hand cream.

The bottoms are ruled to be Jesus The Jorrible, Pamela Ptkqwrty and The Bottomless Ping.

Jesus gets raked over the coals for making a boring, mostly brown evening dress. And he really gets it for sidestepping the challenge by covering up the burlap almost completely.

Pamela, meanwhile, has made her burlap sack look like a denim miniskirt that looks just like it stepped off the Rock Of Love Bus. The less said about it the better. But, seriously, if someone can make a runway model look like someone who would get the attention of Sir Mix-A-Lot, that’s saying something. Even the model can’t bring herself to say something nice about it. (And we’ve established that models have shitty taste.)

In fact, we learn later that the model thought the dress made her look like a cowgirl. Or a reverse cowgirl. I can never tell those two things apart.

And, lastly, there’s Ping. Oh, Ping. Poor, crazy, Ping.

This season’s wackadoo did manage to keep the dress looking like burlap. And she did manage to “create an interesting silhouette” (which is what I always hear whenever someone makes a dress which makes a woman look like she has wings where her hips would be). But she also allowed everyone in the room to see What The Proctologist Saw.

Which I think was the name of an old Mack Sennett silent picture, if I’m not mistaken.

Anyhoo, after the usual back and forth, (and a Seacrest-esque fake-out from Heidi) the winner is … Cockatiel Jay! Yea!

So, after the three tops are gone, Ping is then sent off to safety as well. (Yea! She’s a fun crazy.)

Which leaves Jesus and Pamela.

A moment later, Heidi delivers the verdict. And the auf’ed designer is … Pamela.

And so she heads off down that dusty fashion trail. Yee haw.

Next time on Project Runway: Teams! Sniping! And someone will have to work with Ping!

Project Runway: Aaaand We’re Back!

Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: Aaaand We’re Back!
January 13, 2010

Mommy! Mommy! I had this terrible dream! Project Runway was in Los Angeles, instead of New York. Everything was really boring and for some reason the only thing anyone wanted to talk about was who invented the sweater. Michael and Nina had been replaced with a rotisserie of random people plucked right off Hollywood Boulevard. And you wanna know the craziest part? Heidi wasn’t pregnant at all!

Wow. That was the stupidest dream ever. It was even worse than that time I dreamed that there was this big lawsuit between Bravo and these two really fat brothers.

So, we’re back in New York for an all-new season of Project Runway! And the entire population of the tri-state area has been narrowed down to these 62 designers. Let’s get to know them!

• Amy Sarabi, 26, Plano, Texas, via Oakland, Calif.: This season’s designated Persian. Says she “likes being different.” Just like everyone else.

• Anna Marie Lynett, 23, Whitefish Bay, Wisc.., via Milwaukee, Wisc.: Fulfills contractual obligation that all fashion design contest shows feature a minimum of one cheddarhead.

• Anthony Williams, 28, Birmingham, Ala., via Atlanta, Ga.: Sassy, zoftig, black gay guy who’s quick with a quip. Uses “honey” in conversation with effortless ease. Speaks of himself in the third person. A truly unique creature, the likes of which have never been seen before.

• Ben Chmura, 30, Meriden, Conn., via Tampa, Fla.: Likes comic books. Emulates them. Will essay the role of Invisidude.

• Christiane King, 30, Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, via Los Angeles: An innovator. Likes color and texture. Actually comes from a place where there is color “24/7.”  May actually be one of the models from Season Six incognito.

• Emilio Sosa, 43, Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, via New York, N.Y.: Worked in costume design, but would rather have his outfits ride the subway instead.

• Janeane Marie Ceccanti, 28, Willows, Calif,. via Portland, Ore.: The designated sob sister. Has trouble with revolving doors.

• Jay Nicolas Sario, 31, Manila, The Philippines, via San Francisco, Calif.: Missed the memo about fauxhawks being passé. Weighs 145 pounds. Does not want to be a millionaire.

• Jesse LeNoir, 25, Painesville, Ohio, via Orlando, Fla.: This season’s designated crush object for most viewers. Part hipster, part Disney World cast member. Does a mean Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.

• Jesus Estrada, 21, Mazatlan, Mexico: The one who is all about evening gowns. Will also do double duty as the sassy Latino contestant.

• Jonathan Peters, 29, Woonsocket, R.I.: Thinks he’s an “animal,” makes comical throat noises and attempts sassy sound bites. Also missed the fauxhawk memo. Could possibly be gay. Also, could be a carbon-based life form.

• Maya Luz, 22, Santa Fe, N.M., via New York, N.Y.: Punk rock girl. Bangface, junior.

• Mila Hermanovski, 40, Dallas, Texas via Los Angeles, Calif.: The one I’m sure is either lying about her age or is spending way too much time in the sun. This season’s costume designer. Bangface, senior.

• Pamela Ptak, 47, Pittsfield, Mass., via Pucks County, Penn.: The one who had another career before this. Should spend the rest of the season searching for her missing vowel.

• Ping Wu, 34, Chengdu, People's Republic of China, via Chicago, Ill.: Physical therapist by day, designer by night. The requisite loon.

• Seth Aaron Henderson, 38, Vancouver, Wash.: The best-preserved member of Duran Duran.

Now, these first episodes are always such a blur, since we don’t know any of these people. And what design we do see goes by so fast, we can barely process any of it. So, here’s an express trip through what happens.

Heidi and Tim invite the gang for the traditional rooftop champagne toast, the traditional “I’m pregnant with my 16th baby Seal, so I’ll just have apple cider” from Heidi and the “never before have we had such (talented designers, people with a spirit of innovation, raging wackjobs with bad hairstyles)” from Tim. Everyone says how they can’t believe they’re actually here. Someone needs help with identifying the Empire State Building.

The next morning, the mob arrives in Central Park where the designers discover that it has been littered with bolts of fabric and an incongruous Project Runway catwalk. After Anthony makes a mandatory sassy remark, Tim informs the gang that they are to each make an outfit which best reflects who he or she is as a designers. And they’ll have three minutes in which to make a mad dash for the fabrics.

Cue the designer scramble footage.

Once that’s done, Tim springs the “twist” on them. They’ll have to learn to edit and will have two minutes to drop all but five fabrics. Ping provides comic relief when she has trouble unfurling her fabric.

To the workroom!

Once at Parsons, Tim pimps out the show’s new sponsor, the fantabulous multi-media tablets from Kaypro, and work begins.

The designers work and discuss their plans. But, seeing as there are so many, I just can’t focus on them. When Tim shows up for his “talk to me”s, things get a bit more clear.

Christiane’s making some mess involving blue fabric sewn together with a blue and yellow print. Tim tells her to finish it “impeccably.” I’m doubtful that that will happen.

Ping beams in from her galaxy and Tim discovers her draped in what appears to be all of her fabrics. He asks is she’s cold. She says that this is how she designs. He asks if she can be objective when she uses her own body instead of a dress form. She receives a message from her home planet and can’t really process both stimuli simultaneously.

Seth Aaron has seemingly stepped away from the Duran Duran pose to give us a bit of Bruce Springsteen with a headband in ’85. While I go hunting in my iTunes for “I’m On Fire,” I hear him telling Tim something about zippers.

Janeane Marie tells Tim how she’s making a little black dress. Tim is concerned that it’s looking like a puckered mess. Janeane Marie starts crying again, thinking salty tear stains can only improve the look.

Anthony tells Tim how Anthony is “wonderfully well” as he presents his six dresses, six fabrics glued together concept. Tim is concerned that Anthony is upstaging one dramatic fabric with another, lesser one. Anthony tells him how Anthony will be changing the dress before anyone else sees it. Now if only someone could tell Anthony how Anthony’s full of it.

Off to Jesus’s station where we see that El Sassypantalon has taken his faux reptilian mini-skirt and turned it into a long evening gown with more brown faux reptile fabric tacked on. Tim is concerned that the seam doesn’t seem intentional. In fact he’s downright “disturbed.”

Lastly, Tim is seen at Emilio’s station, where the designer’s made a fantastically complicated top by appliqueing white stripes of patterned fabric over a plum-colored fabric. While Tim loves what he sees, he’s concerned that the designer could be the first in the show’s history to not finish in time for the runway show.

Really, Tim. Have we already forgotten that clown who sent down the runway a model who, save for an intricate collar, was naked? That was last season, right. … Oh, wait. I forgot. That was part of my NyQuil fever dream. Carry on.

Tim leaves the workroom, telling everyone how he’s concerned that they’ll need to recalibrate their designs if they are to finish on time.

And, look, Janeane Marie’s crying again. It seems she’s scrapping her entire outfit and starting over. The tear-stained look just wasn’t cutting it.

Next, it’s the day of the runway show and we have the obligatory cross-designer smack-talk footage, the “I think I’m going to win this” footage, the contractually obligated plug for the Psst, Your Hair Smells Terrific Hair and Makeup Room and the demand that everyone use the Ruelala.com Accessory Wall thoughtfully.

Snip, snip, snip! Sew, sew, sew! Quip, quip, quip! Aaaaand … time!

At the show, Heidi Of The Fertile Loins emerges to introduce us to the erstwhile runway strangers Michael and Nina and our guest judge, thesmokinggun.com’s Nicole Richie.

Really? Wasn’t the appearance of Lindsey Lohan last season the equivalent of the cursed Tiki idol on The Brady Bunch? Do they really want to risk that again?

Anyhoo, Heidi almost says that Nicole will Launch Her Line, risking another Bravo lawsuit and it’s on with the show!

Now, since there still 132 designers and we only get 12.2 microseconds in which to assess each outfit, there’s no way I’m mentioning them all. All that matters is that the six that we saw Tim check in on are the tops and bottoms. Oh, and that Janeane Marie stopped sobbing long enough to create a decent outfit which landed somewhere in the middle of the pack.

After Heidi sends away the middle 126 designers, we’re left with … Seth Aaron, Emilio, Ping, Jesus, Anthony and Christiane.

The questioning begins.

Anthony presents his hastily slapped together flowered print dress with the matching three foot bow attached at the hip. It looks like hell. And on close inspection it REALLY looks like hell. Mr. Refugee From Designing Women is relieved that the judges didn’t make him cry or some such.

The judges all seem to really love Seth Aaron’s dress, which he calls “Little Tokyo.” It’s a  cute little dress in a neutral checked pattern with braces and a huge red zipper up the back. It’s really cool and the husband thinks it deserves the win.

Then, it’s time for the Ping show! The loony tune babbles about her design aesthetic while her model looks positively miserable. I picture a sad puppy which has just discovered that someone had dumped a bag of laundry on its head. Still, for some reason that totally escapes me, I like the outfit. And it looks that it’s really intrigued the judges too.

This is followed by Jesus, who shows off his Samsonite-as-evening wear gown. Immediately, the judges zero in on the seam which reveals that the dress had gone from mini to maxi in one easy step. Nina calls it a “chocolate bar.” Michael makes a reference to crocodiles. … Oh, how we missed you guys!

Next, the judges turn to Christiane. Her dress is an unmitigated disaster. From afar, it looked bad. Up close, it looked like something from The Fashion Show. It’s puckering, ugly, tacky, unfinished, ugly, poorly constructed … and also ugly. Naturally, the designer calls it “sophisticated,” “elegant” and “sexy.”

Lastly, they question Emilio. The dress came out wonderfully and the man modeling it is very handsome indeed. Michael notes that it is “deceptively simple,” which is one of the many things that really is so cool about the woven, segmented, complicated outfit.

The designers are sent away for the “let’s talk behind their backs” footage and Michael Kors Makes Catty Analogies moments. Once those are over, the six are called back out.

Ping is safe. She teleports off the runway.

Emilio is … the winner! He gets immunity in the next challenge and is sent off to tell us how he now has a target on his back.

Seth Aaron is safe. He heads off to join the rest of the Wild Boys and Girls on Film.

Anthony is … safe. He gets the vapors and makes a total ass of himself before he finally leaves the runway under threat that Heidi just might change her mind and auf’ him.

Which leaves Christiane and Jesus. As it was prophesied in the Book of Revelation.

After a quick fake out, Heidi declares Jesus to be safe. Christiane is out.

Cue the “this won’t be the last you hear of me” footage from a designer no one will remember in 14 days.

Next time on Project Runway: Mud! Tim makes a pun! And someone’s actually made a runway model look heavy!