skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: Toddlers And Tiaras
February 18, 2010
Previously on Project Runway: Your gentle blogger went on vacation. While he was out, the designers competed to design a dress for a magazine cover. Anthony climbed out of the bottom of the pack to win bragging rights. And some girl whose name I already forgot was sent packing.
Morning. Atlas Apartments. And aside from the fact that Seth Aaron Of The ‘80s manages to avoid giving the cameras another shirtless shot of him in the a.m., I can’t help but notice that … the man sleeps with a stuffed sheep. Really. Watch it again.
Elsewhere, Anthony The Church Lady declares that it feels “awesome” to finally win something.
Over in the girls’ apartment, Janeane The Droopy is reflecting on how she finally got her wish last time to be critiqued by the panel. And they really didn’t like what they saw. This will clearly have no impact on how this hour will end.
Jesse The Swashbucklin’est is interviewed. This, too, will in no way reflect on the final outcome of the judging.
And it’s off to the runway for the (seen only on the Models show) picking of the models and a quick round of Cryptic Clues from Heidi. This time, however, rather than send them off to have Tim deliver the challenge, she presents the news herself.
They will be using new models. Everyone groans.
And here they come now!
We see silhouettes of tiny people. And not tiny people like you see on that TLC show about tiny people. Tiny people like you see on every other show on TLC. I believe they are called children. Seeing as there are 11 of them, I assume they are all the fruit of the hostess’s loins.
Naturally, everyone “awww”s all over them.
Warning: I hated children when I was one. My attitude towards them has barely improved since then. I shall attempt to keep the snark to a minimum, seeing as folks get really touchy about this. But it shan’t be easy.
As if it wasn’t obvious, Heidi explains that the challenge will be to create a fashionable, yet age-appropriate look for their toddler models.
It seems that before they came out onto the runway, the kids were randomly assigned to their designers, which spares us the sight of the schoolyard pick and crushed little egos. There will be enough time for that when they get back to school and the cameras aren’t rolling.
The kids make everyone at home squeal (I assume) by (after several takes, I’m sure) saying their names and the name of the designer with whom they are paired.
I suffer through this much as I do an airport departure lounge. By silently waiting for it to end. (Looks at watch, sees we have 56 minutes to go. Groans.)
Still-congested Seth Aaron explains he has a daughter at home, so he has an advantage, knowing what little girls like. This, too, will have no bearing on who is in the top or bottom group at the end of this.
Jonathan The Suddenly On Camera Again gamely attempts to explain how he doesn’t care for kids (in a way that won’t make the audience hate him). Again, don’t take this appearance to mean anything.
The knee-high squad marches out and the designers head back to the workroom to discuss their mini dress forms and “adorable” models. Joy.
As they sketch, Anthony delivers more of his not-tiresome-at-all sass and Jesse tells us how he’s designing something based of the Madeline character of Parisian children’s book fame.
Then it’s time for Emilio Marble Mouth to declare how he’s so much better than everyone else and how he has the perfect strategy to win this. He feels that the rest of the designers are putting too much imagination into their outfits and he’s going “the opposite way,” putting as little imagination into the outfit as possible.
Yeah, that’s what we wanna see.
Then it’s off to Mood for fabric! And while the designers race around, let’s just you and me focus on Bolt, the shop’s pooch. Awwww.
Shopping done? Yes! Shots of one designer freaking out that they may not find the fabric they want? Yes! More shots of one designer swiping at another one’s fabric choices? Yes!
Thank you, Mood!
Back in the workroom, Jay Of The Hot Pants informs us that kids today are very fashion forward and by age eight are already demanding sophisticated, high-fashion designer labels and six-inch CFM pumps. Methinks Jay is either an avid watcher of Little Miss Perfect or has too many kid-laden friends on the board at Goldman Sachs.
Elsewhere, Jonathan officially moves off my “don’t care for him” list when he launches into a dead-on impression of Michael Kors judging on the runway. “She looks like a seven year-old waitress working for Benihana! … It’s as if Memoirs of a Geisha met Barney!”
OK, I officially love Jonathan now. I reserve the right to change my mind later.
Breaking with our exclusive focus on the designers who will comprise the top and bottom three, we take a look at Mila The Severe. She tells us that “when (she) first got here” she wasn’t too popular. (Cut to a scene from, oh, two days ago where she’s hating on folks and they hate on her right back.) Now, she assures us, she is universally liked and admired. Sort of like Jay Leno.
Janeane, meanwhile, is planning on recreating a two-dollar romper her mom bought for her sister at Zayre back when she was a kid. This, she imagines, is what will make her stand out on the runway.
With two hours left in the day, folks start wondering why Tim hasn’t popped in for his traditional catch-phrase-toss-around. Mila, smart cookie that she is, realizes that this means a twist is coming. Mila has a strong command of the obvious. This actually makes her stand out. Which is a little sad.
The next morning, we see the designers performing their morning rituals. For Jonathan, this means applying voluminous amounts of product to his coif. For Janeane, this involves being today’s designated weepy shill for a wireless company.
Back in the workroom, Tim arrives to deliver his “surprise.” It’s good news, he says. The mini dresses won’t be walking the runway this day. They’ll be walking the next day. Alongside a full-sized dress for the designers’ (slightly) more mature regular models.
Mila nods knowingly. Emilio wonders how he can make a dress for a seven-foot-tall woman which corresponds with his snoozefest pink “cupcake” kiddie Easter dress. And Janeane’s excited to make something that will be a larger piece of crap.
And it’s back to Mood! And the MoodPooch! Woof!
Back in the workroom, Amy The Petal Lady explains how she’s purchased 16 fabrics in 16 conflicting colors and she’s working out how she can throw them all together to make a grown-up look that is as jarring as her kids’ outfit.
Now, it’s time for … Isn’t Anthony Just Hysterical?!
He yaks. He annoys folks. They challenge him to shut the hell up for five minutes. They all place bets. Answering my prayers, Anthony gags himself. Sadly, it only lasts 15 minutes before he gives up and resumes gabbing.
Proving again, there is no god.
Also, no. No, he Anthony is not hysterical.
(Yes, I know everyone just loooooves him. … Pffffft.)
Tim arrives for his usual “talk to me”s.
Tim loves what Jonathan’s doing with the kid’s look. And he’s excited about what he says the adult dress will be … eventually.
Janeane’s though gives him a Halloween feel. The designer, though, sees the orange-red fabric paired with black as “pink and black and white.” The fact that she sees the burnt-orange color as “pink” concerns me and I think she may be in need of immediate medical attention.
Over at Land Of Amy, the Persian Princess has laid out her now-26-color palette as 101 petals on the floor. She explains that she wishes to affix them to some pants and Tim worries that she’s making Clothes For Clarabell.
Next, it’s Seth Aaron’s turn. His kid’s look is finished and looks fab and modern. And the adult look seems edgy and cool, too. The designer explains how he’s made a tiny handbag for his kid and that his actual offspring (who is 11, mind you) has over 200 handbags.
And they say people overindulge their kids these days.
Tim says he’s “profoundly wowed” and sends in the models, both prepubescent and undernourished. The little girls act all “cute” and “charming” … and I go back to biting my tongue. Hard.
I’m bleeding quite profusely now and may speak with a hard lisp from here on out.
Tho, the dethigners do their latht-minute work while the kidth torture me. (/lisp)
It all makes me feel quite stabby.
Hair and makeup infomercial. Emilio smacktalk session. And … off to the runway!
Once there, Seed Pod Heidi arrives, recaps the challenge and introduces the judges, “Hi guys,” and “Hello,” as well as guest judge Tory Burch.
The looks walk the runway.
- Anthony’s made two wholly unmemorable red-tinged looks. A kids one and a grown-up one. They make zero impression.
- Amy’s looks are startling. And not in a good way. They’re a mishmash of turquoise, orange, pink, black and brown and ohmahgaw. The adult model’s pants are covered in those petals we saw before. And somewhere a calliope plays.
- Ben (The Cheshire Cat Designer), who apparently went missing this episode again, made two dresses.
- Seth Aaron’s looks come out and immediately floor me. The kid’s outfit is a sassy little houndstooth hoodie with a skirt complete with grommets. And the adult outfit is a really edgy, complicated black and white houndstooth-suggestive modern jacket with a black detailed pant. Zexy!
- Jesse’s models come out and the kid looks very cute. It’s the French schoolgirl outfit he described with a wool jacket. (The lines on the dress, while intentionally askew, look like a mistake to me.) The grown-up model sports a sexy mini dress with a very sexy silhouette in the same grey, red and black color scheme. They’re both good, but they don’t say “mother and daughter” as much as they say, “Supermodel finds lost girl wandering the runway and is returning her to lost-and-found.”
- Next it’s Jonathan’s looks. And I really don’t know what to make of this. The kid’s dress is cute and yellow and oddly complicated. But a toddler in a bolero jacket just looks strange. The adult model is covered in petals of white organza and seems vaguely Lady GaGa-esque. But not in a good way.
- Maya (a/k/a The Lady Vanishes) seems to have also gone missing this challenge. Hence, her outfits are of no consequence.
- Mila’s looks are pure Carnaby Street. The little girl’s look is color-blocked (natch) in pink and green with a black and white detail. And the adult one is a white jacket with black trim and black capri-length pants. Personally, I loved them both.
- And then it’s time for Emilio The Mushmouth’s looks. They are pink. Very Pepto pink. The little one is fresh from her first communion and the adult looks like she’s 18-going-on-40 in this stunning maid-of-honor number. Clearly, I think, this has to be in the bottom three, since he really did succeed in using as little imagination as humanly possible.
- Then, it’s Janeane’s turn. The girl looks like she stepped out right of the J.C. Penney’s catalog, c. October 1984. And the grown-up is wearing an equally imaginative ensemble. She says they look like they belong together. … Shopping the blue-light special perhaps.
- Finally, Jay’s models. They are each in purple and black and look fresh, modern, appropriate and the outfits each have interesting ruffle details which are echoed in each other’s garments. Lovely.
Once that’s done, the tops and bottoms are called out.
The bottoms are Jonathan, Janeane and Amy. The tops are Jay, Seth Aaron and Jesse.
The questioning commences, which makes me wonder how the hell they got the little girls to stand still without endless rounds of “Mommy! Mommy! Look at me!” and assorted whines. Somehow, they got the footage they needed.
And the judges make the little girls feel like they did a great job, despite their criticism of some of the looks. Yea, judges.
Again, there’ll be time for the kids to get destroyed emotionally for their outfits once they get back to school.
Discussion. The good is praised. The bad is dissed. Michael says Jonathan’s adult model looks like a tornado of toilet paper. His kid model feels uncomfortable in her bolero jacket. And Amy’s kid model sticks up for her designer, saying she would “trust her fashion sense.”
Wow. OK, what kid says “I would trust her fashion sense?” Maybe they really do grow up faster these days.
They’re sent away for deliberation and then it’s time for the final judgement.
Jesse is safe.
And the winner of the challenge is … Seth Aaron. (Yea!)
Jay is safe.
Jonathan is safe. Leaving Amy and Janeane as the bottom two.
And, shocking exactly no one, Janeane is sent home.
She says we’ll hear from her. Maybe not in this country. And maybe not much. But we’ll hear from her.
I’m assuming it’ll be as the winner of Miss Self-Esteem 2011.
Next time on Project Runway: Methinks we’re looking at the long-awaited unconventional materials challenge. At last!
Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: We DON'T Have It Covered
February 11, 2010
Previously on Project Runway: There was a challenge involving sodium-laden tomato soup and dresses for heart disease or something or other. Amy made a flow-y gown which was nice enough. She won. Jesus made another outfit which showed he is totally out of hid depth. He was eliminated. ... Despite this, he swears we'll be hearing from him. Just like we've heard from ... that guy. And that girl. You know? Them?
It's like this. This is super late. And isn't a recap.
Why?
Well, for one thing, your gentle blogger went on a Valentine's Day/President's Day/Melissa Manchester's Birthday trip out of town to Chicago. I did get to eat at (Top Chef Masters winner) Rick Bayless' Frontera Grill and Top Chef finalist Dale Levinski's Sprout Restaurant.
And I got to meet American Idol runner-up and current dance chart hitmaker Blake Lewis.
There may be blogging on this. Later. Maybe.
So, blogging wasn't at the top of my list of things to do.
Naturally, if you're reading this, you already know what happened.
Seth Aaron punched the card for "first designer to be seen shirtless."
The gang went to the stately headquarters of Meade Publishing and got to meet the British Wilhelmina Slater who informed them that the winner of the challenge would be creating an outfit which would be worn by none other than Fertility Goddess Heidi on the cover of Mode Magazine.
Everyone wet themselves.
Anna got a lot of camera time, which could only telegraph one thing.
Ben got a lot of camera time, which could only mean the opposite.
Emilio continued his quest to be the smack-talkingest designer this season while showing us less and less about why he should be so damn cocky.
Mila made a color-blocked nearly-nude number which was really, really sad.
Anthony bashed someone with the Big Book of Bronze Age Fairytales and managed to pull out a win with a lovely, textured teal (?) dress for The Divine Uterus.
On the runway, the judges had Emilio totally redesign his red jersey nighty right in front of them and nearly gave him an undeserved win.
Janeane sobbed when she made the bottom three.
Janeane sobbed when she found herself in the bottom two.
And Janeane sobbed when she was declared safe and, as predicted Anna was sent off to be the same sweet, pretty and totally forgettable designer she's been for five episodes.
Next time on Project Runway: Designing for ... children!!?!?! Oh no!!
Project Runway: Season Seven
Episode: Big, Ole Ruby Red Dress
February 4, 2009
Previously on Project Runway: The designers worked in teams to make two dresses, one that mattered and one that didn’t. This ensured that we’d get one decent dress and one worthless dress out of each team. It also guaranteed a decent amount of backbiting and drama. Jesse wore a hat and ragged on Ping. Jonathan snarked about Mila, but she won anyway. On the runway, a model actually thought someone would want to hear from a model. In the end, the judges said that, no, they didn’t wanna put a Ping on it.
Morning. The ladies' suite is down one more designer. Everyone is sad to see poor Ping’s bed all empty and unmade. Or maybe that’s just one of her dresses she’s left behind on it. It’s hard to tell.
Over with the fellas, Jesus El Jodido is “really, really excited” to still be here, despite being one of the worst designers whose solo work invariably puts him in the bottom two. It’s part of his bizarro winning strategy. “I think that I’m already showing the judges I’m capable of designing amazing stuff!”
If by “amazing stuff” he means “really vertical hair.”
Back with the ladies, we see Mila (“Chitty Chitty”) and Maya (“Bang Bang”) working on their matching ‘dos and we begin to wonder if this odd dynamic will take on an All About Eve flavor before too long.
And it’s off to the runway!
There (on last week’s Models show) we see that the Annoyed Asian Valley Girl Model Who Just Can’t Be Bothered is cut. Heidi makes her usual Sphinx-ish comment about the upcoming challenge. She tells them they will be designing a look for a Fashion Week gala and says they’ll be meeting “a group of very inspiring women.”
The designers then move back to the workroom to meet Tim. The mentor introduces them to the president of Progresso™ Soups (or something like that). It seems the makers of so many delightfully sodium-laden treats are working with the American Heart Association to sponsor a heart disease awareness gala. And the designers will be working with women who have been personally affected by heart disease.
Cue the inspiring ladies.
These women, Tim explains, will be the models for the designers' looks. In keeping with the event’s theme, the dresses will have to have red as a primary color. And, in keeping with the “we need to associate our corporate brand with something really honorable so you keep buying our product” theme, the designers will also have to incorporate the Progresso™ logo into their design.
He also mentions that not only will the winning designer accompany his or her model to the Fashion Week gala, but the winning dress will be put into limited production and sold online.
Mila explains that she’s really excited to be working with “a real woman,” since they’ve been working with drag queens up until this moment and tucking is such a challenge.
The designers and inspirational women pair off, and the models begin relating their stories of inspiration to the designers so as they may become more inspired. Somehow, through their inspiration, the contestants manage to sketch out their outfits.
The inspiration, naturally, makes several of the designers get all weepy. It also seems to have made Seth Aaron (“The Bandana Holds My Brain In”) really congested.
Jesus is excited that his model is “really, really tiny.” Amy (“The Pierced, Petite Persian”) is going to make a long, flowing evening gown. And Mila saw some stars on the Progresso™ logo someplace, so she’s inspired to make another large graphic piece the centerpiece of her design.
Anthony (“The Refugee From RuPaul’s Drag Race”) is particularly inspired, owing to his mother’s battle with heart disease. Sadly, we never learn what inspired him to wear a Member’s Only jacket anywhere outside of an ‘80s party.
Then, once sufficiently inspired, they’re off to Mood!
There, Tim introduces them to buckets of red, Progresso™-approved fabric and sets them loose to shop. The designers each say that they’ll be making a red dress. Anna (“A Carbon-Based Life Form”) gets excited about boning. Seth Aaron find it “awesome” that he stayed under budget. Aaaaaand, time!
Thank you, Mood!
Back in the workroom, Tim tosses off his catchphrase and it’s time to get sewing.
Maya explains she’s incorporating a subtle, halfhearted half-heart into her design. We get (what is edited together to appear to be) some construction drama with Amy’s dress. And there appears to be some guy in the workroom named “Ben.”
Everyone expounds on how other designers aren’t used to working on non-model-shaped women. Seth Aaron’s model suggests he design something very outside of his usual style. And the women continue to fulfill their Lifetime obligation by being inspirational to help the designers though it all.
Janeane (“The Sad Trombone”) then discovers her mortal enemy: Water. Somehow her dress took a dunk into a trash can filled with the dress-killing liquid (?) and she’s totally at a loss as to what to do now.
Tim arrives for his cliché-a-round.
First up, Jesse (“The Pirate Booty”). Tim doesn’t think that the designer has much fashion happening without adding a jacket to his look.
Next, Anna. We totally ignore her horrible dress and focus on her inventive tracing of the Progresso™ logo onto some chiffon (where it doesn’t register on camera, much like the designer herself).
Over to Mila. Something about chicken and stars. Tim thinks it’s mm-mm good.
Jesus. Tim makes a face at his dress and only mentions that he’s impressed that he got his model to fit into the … we’ll call it a "dress."
Zip over to Maya. She explains her half-heart concept, but hasn’t done her mandatory Progresso™ corporate branding. Tim agrees that making a clutch purse papered in the logo would help fulfill that annoying requirement.
Amy’s doing well and is planning on leaving the model’s chest scar exposed. Tim likes the idea.
Over to Seth Aaron. Tim’s perplexed that the designer is doing something drape-y and Grecian when that’s totally not his thing. This gets Seth Aaron’s head to exploding which, again, is only prevented by the aforementioned bandana.
So, you can assume that the other designers are the middle of the pack.
Speaking of which, we get to hear from Emilio (“The Early Leader Who Fades Fast”). He slams, let’s see … Anna’s dress’s construction, Jay’s “train wreck” of a dress, and pretty much everyone else’s outfits, too.
Ding! The day ends and, before you know it, it’s the morning of the runway show. More boys breaking out the bow ties and girls working the flat-iron. And, back to the workroom!
There, this alleged “Ben” says he’s worried for Seth Aaron, since he’s scrapped his entire look and has started a new one from scratch.
Everyone is worried that they don’t have enough time. Maya thinks that since they’re all doing red dresses, it’ll be like comparing oranges to oranges, or apples to apples. Or more appropriately, tomatoes to tomatoes.
Cue this season’s emerging designated smack-talker.
“What is that?” asks Emilio of Mila’s graphic-print dress. “It looks like a cheap flag at the Thanksgiving Day parade.”
Wow. He really must have the world’s greatest dress in the works on his table, right?
A few minutes for a hair-product infomercial, Jonathan (“Not In This Episode”) making it sound like something dramatic is actually happening, aaaaaand time!
On the runway, Heidi ∓ Eight appears, recaps the challenge and introduces regular judges “Hey guys” and “Hello everyone” and guest judge, Noted Lady With Long, Brown Hair.
Let’s start the show!
- Jonathan’s made a long evening gown with several tiers. It’s pleasant. And notable in that it’s the only one which doesn’t use the Bloody Mary color on all the others.
- Emilio’s made a red, strapless cocktail dress, notable in that it’s a big steaming pile of yawn coming from a designer who thinks he’s sooooo much better than everyone else.
- Maya’s heart-thingy dress is curious. The heart shape is in a bronze-y colored fabric and the dress is a work of draping. Something about it is intriguing. And something about the dress hurts my eyes. I can’t tell which feeling is stronger.
- Anthony’s model totally rocks the runway in her sassy, full-figured yet fashionable corporate logo dress with matching vest.
- Amy’s model then comes out in her long, Grecian, chiffon strapless evening gown. It floats down the runway. It’s very pretty. It just isn’t anything we haven’t seen a million times before.
- Jesus then vomits his latest creation all over the stage. Perfect for any Vegas whore or Brett Michaels reality show, your skank will look just stunning in this tight, shiny red mini-dress with side panels and cheap, sparkly doodads about the neck. Toot, toot! Heeeeey, beep, beep!
- And speaking of vom, here comes Anna’s outfit. Now, seriously, we saw that her model is a lovely looking woman, the size and shape of a regular person. Sadly, the designer has made her look like a linebacker in a red cocktail dress. It’s just really, really unfortunate.
- Jay’s model, though, does look lovely. She’s wearing a well-tailored evening dress with a sweetheart neckline and a pleated (?) bodice. Again, very pretty. Just not at all inventive.
- Jesse’s model comes out wearing his red dress, but it’s covered by a short, shiny off-white jacket with the logo fabric thrown on as what appears to be a soupy fabric brooch. When the jacket comes off, it reveals a pretty cocktail dress. This, I suspect, will save him.
- This Ben person appears to have snuck a model into the show. She looks pleasant enough in a long, Jessica Rabbit evening gown with a slit up to her lady business. That’ll stop some hearts.
- Then, Mila’s starriffic design comes out. It’s a perfect fit and the model works it like nobody’s business. Yes, it’s a tad “Turkish Flag As Evening Wear,” but it’s really the one dress that seemed the slightest bit unique.
- Next, it’s Janeane’s dress. Ugh, ugh, ugh. A thousand times ugh. She says she “made a pretty dress.” I beg to differ. She says it has a nice hem. I disagree. The hem looks like it’s been pinned up to reveal a slip, and the neckline looks like the model’s shoved tissues into her cleavage and left them there. Who knew one bucket of water could do such damage?
- Finally, it’s Seth Aaron’s two-minute design. It’s nice, though totally unremarkable. It’s a red top over a black skirt made to look like a one-piece dress. It looks like it was the best design he could come up with in ten minutes. Which, considering the competition, is still a heap of a lot better than some of the others.
Once the show’s over, the judges send away the middle-of-the-pack, or as they are otherwise known, the designers who didn’t get noticed at any point earlier in the hour.
This leaves … Amy, Mila, and Maya as the three tops, and Jesus, Anna and Jesse as the three bottoms.
The judges basically say they like Mila’s since it was special, though it probably wouldn’t work on a variety of body shapes. Jesse’s dress looked OK, they think, but with the jacket, it looks like “a majorette.”
While Jesus feeds the judges a load of B.S., I decide I’ll just focus on the random shots which catch Jesse’s eyecatching backside. This spares me from having to listen to Jesus' “I made something that’s really elegant” crap.
The judges adore Amy’s look and don’t have a single negative thing to say about it.
Anna attempts to explain away why she would make a lovely lady look like a defensive tackle.
Everyone seems confused by Maya’s creation. They seem drawn to it, but don’t know why. The consensus: It’s “interesting.”
The designers are sent away for the usual chit-chat and dish. For some reason that escapes me, the judges agree that Jesus is good with construction. Someone mentions “bosoms.” (How very "Match Game '75"!) And we all get to count how many times the judges can mention the Progresso brand in three minutes.
The designers are brought back in.
Maya is in. She heads off to claim dibs on the flat-iron.
Amy is … the winner of the challenge! (Yea!) She heads off to come up with something else remarkable (and hopefully develop some personality).
Mila is in. She heads off to wrestle Maya for the hair product.
Jesse is in. He heads off so we can watch him walk away.
Leaving Anna and Jesus.
Heidi shames the pair before delivering the verdict.
Anna … is in. She heads off to occupy space until next week.
Which means Jesus is out.
Y jodido.
Next time on Project Runway: An unprecedented reward! Clown clothes! And Tim is worried!
